A random moment that's been rattling around in the back of my brain for awhile - inspired by a gleeincorrectquotes post on tumblr. Not sure what universe this takes place in, so just leaving it as a standalone. Please enjoy - let me know what you think!
"You're so pretty," Sam says as he slings his arm around her shoulders and there's just the slightest hint of drunken slurring manifesting as southern drawl in his voice as he keeps talking, "you're like the prettiest girl I've ever seen."
Mercedes is just drunk enough that she just laughs and tells him, "And you're like the drunkest boy I've ever seen."
"Don't care, s'my birthday."
"It's not your birthday, it's Quinn's birthday. Some other drunken idiot decided you were her twin brother and people started buying you birthday drinks too." Mercedes shakes her head, amused. "It's September, your birthday's in April."
He just shrugs at this as her phone pings that the Uber has arrived and she maneuvers him towards the small SUV that has pulled up for them.
"Bye, Samcedes!" someone yells – she thinks maybe it's Rachel – and a few other farewells echo from their friends waiting on their own rides.
"Good-bye, my dear friends!" Sam practically bellows. "I love you guys! Especially you, little sister!" he adds, pointing at Quinn.
"She is older than you –" Mercedes starts to say and then cuts herself off. "You know what? Never mind. Bye, Q, happy birthday!"
"You Mercedes E?" The driver asks through the open passenger window.
"Yes," Mercedes replies. "And you are?"
"Jamie S." A quick glance at her phone confirms that this is correct and she opens the back door of the vehicle and pushes Sam inside.
"Hello, my good sir!" Sam says to Jamie. "We are so glad we can avail ourselves of your services."
Jamie glances back at Mercedes as she gets in. "He's not gonna get sick, is he?"
Mercedes shakes her head. "No. He's an idiot drunk, but never a sick drunk. He's got, like, a cast-iron stomach."
Jamie nods, looking a little dubious, but pulls off from the curb anyway.
"It's true," Sam confirms. "'Specially if 'Cedes tells you something. You know it's true. 'Cause she's super smart. And awesome. And so pretty."
"Sam –" Mercedes starts to protest and Sam lays his index finger over her lips.
"Shh. You are. You're gorgeous. Hey," he says, directing his attention to Jamie again, "Isn't she, like, the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen?"
Jamie appears to be struggling to maintain his composure, but he nods. "She is very pretty, yes. And she seems to like you pretty well. Maybe you should, like, marry her or something."
Sam's eyes grow wide at this suggestion. "'Cedes! Did you hear that? That's a great idea! We should get married! You should marry me."
Mercedes laughs. "I have excellent news for you – I already did, like two years ago." She holds up her left hand in Sam's face. "See? You bought me this ring, remember?" she asks, pointing at the diamond. Then she reaches for his left hand, holding that up in his face too. "And then we picked out the matching bands. Remember?"
"Ohh, yeahhh!" Sam responds, clearly delighted. Then he claps his hands, his face lighting up as he has obviously has an IDEA. "We should get married again!"
"I don't think that's how it works," Mercedes says, frowning as she tries to consider the idea.
"Oh," Sam says, a little deflated. Then he brightens. "Well, whatever. If I could, I would marry you again so hard."
Mercedes just stares at him for a moment before bursting into giggles at this statement that really doesn't totally make sense, even to her just slightly tipsy brain.
"I hate to interrupt the wedding planning – or re-wedding – or whatever," Jamie says as he pulls up to the curb, "But I think this is your house."
Sam leans across Mercedes' lap to peer out the window. "It is our house!" he says happily. "You brought us home!"
"Kind of the point," Jamie mutters as Mercedes gives him an apologetic look before she gets out of the car.
"I'm so sorry. I promise I'll give you a good tip when I can actually focus on my phone tomorrow."
Jamie nods. "Appreciate it. You were entertainment, at least."
"And I didn't puke!" Sam declares, raising his fists in victory as he gets out of the car and Mercedes laughs.
"Oh my God. C'mon, get in the house before you wake all the neighbors. Thanks again," she says over her shoulder to Jamie as she starts trying to get Sam up the driveway.
"But, man, look up at the sky, all the stars, the stars is beautiful tonight – "
"Sam, I swear if you start trying to sing – OR rap – Ghetto Superstar, I am leaving you out here to sleep in the driveway."
Sam grins, but doesn't keep singing. "You wouldn't do that," he says instead. "You love me."
"I do love you," Mercedes agrees. "But try me," she adds sternly. And then ruins the effect by bursting into cackling laughter.
"Ha!" Sam says as they finally reach the front door and Mercedes fumbles for the house key. "I knew it."
"Whatever," she says as she finally gets the door open and Sam wanders ahead of her into the kitchen. She goes to set her purse on the stairs and then heads to the kitchen, stopping short in the doorway when she's greeted by the sight of her husband stepping out of his pants.
"Oh, hell no," she says, shaking her head. "I do love you, but sex is not happening tonight, not in the kitchen or anywhere else in this house. The only thing happening in our bed tonight is you sleeping this off."
Sam looks at her, confusion on his face. "What are you talking about?" he asks and somehow, she can tell the innocence of the question is real. "I have to put my underwear in the freezer."
She just stares at him, not entirely sure if she's heard him right, and he elaborates, "Because it will confuse me so much in the morning."
She considers this, shrugs, and then grabs his arm as he goes to take off the boxer-briefs he has on. "Oh, honey, no, don't put the underwear you're WEARING right now in the freezer, not when you've been dancing and sweating and everything in them. Let me get you a clean pair from the dryer."
Sam grins as he follows her to the laundry room where she grabs a clean pair and hands it to him.
"You're the best wife EVER," he says, giving her a quick kiss before going back to the kitchen and shoving the underwear in the freezer beside the Eggos and then heading for the stairs.
Mercedes laughs, shaking her head and follows him up. In the brief head start he has on her, he had pulled his shirt off as he went up the steps and by the time she makes it to their bedroom, he has crawled into bed in just his underwear and is nearly half-asleep already. It doesn't take her long to get out of her going-out clothes, find an old t-shirt of his to wear and crawl into bed beside him. As she does, he mumbles, "Really, best wife ever. Love you."
"Love you too," she says, leaning over to kiss his forehead and getting comfortable beside him.
-x-
Mercedes is, pretty obviously, up before Sam the next morning, enjoying a large cup of coffee with her frozen waffle when Sam shuffles into the kitchen in pajama pants and an old McKinley t-shirt, his hair a rumpled bed-heady mess, a look that she secretly really loves. So often Sam gets hung up on his appearance and how people look at him and it gives her a warm fuzzy feeling to know how truly comfortable he is around her. Plus, the messy hair is just kind of hot, if she's being truthful.
"How're you feeling this morning?" she says brightly and he groans a little.
"Coffee," is his only actual spoken answer and she pops a K-cup in the machine and gets it started for him.
"Thank you." He spots her plate. "Ooh, waffles!"
She pulls the plate out of his reach and slides the coffee mug in his direction. "Leggo my Eggo, bud. There's more in the freezer. You can get that for yourself," she says, hiding her smirk as he walks towards the freezer and opens the door. He stands there looking into it for a moment and then shuts the door and turns back to look at her.
"'Cedes?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"Why is my underwear in the freezer?"
"You said 'this is gonna confuse me so much tomorrow'," Mercedes explains. "You insisted."
As Sam keeps looking at her, contemplating this statement, she adds, with a shrug, "Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you."
Sam considers this and then he too shrugs. "That explains so much. Huh." He shakes his head and opens the freezer again, pulling out the box of Eggos and his underwear.
"They look clean, at least," he says, tossing them into the laundry room sink to thaw out.
"Oh, I insisted on that," Mercedes explains, laughing. "I was not about to let you put the nasty pair you were wearing in there with our food."
Sam laughs too. "What would I do without you?" he says, popping two Eggos in the toaster and then going to give her a kiss.
Mercedes shakes her head again. "I do not even want to know."