A/N: This story is set in the universe of the theatrical LotR films – not the extended ones where Saruman dies at Isengard or the books where he dies after the Scouring of the Shire.

I do not own The Lord of the Rings.

March 4, T.A. 3019

Last night a bunch of Ents came and started tearing Isengard apart. Saruman's having a conniption because he somehow lost his Palantír in the process. If only the Ents would let us outside I'd be happy because the area around the Tower of Orthanc is flooded now, which is sorta like that inground pool I've always wanted Saruman to invest in.

March 5, T.A. 3019

Today at around noon those jerks who came to Edoras last week and kicked me out showed up, and thankfully those accursed Hobbits who have been outside since the Ent attack left with them. Saruman tried persuading the Ents to let us leave but this didn't work.

March 6, T.A. 3019

This morning we realized that we only have a weeks' worth of groceries left in the Tower and then we'll run out. Saruman cut my rations until I find a solution to the problem.

March 7, T.A. 3019

This morning I set up an Instacart delivery for tomorrow – I ordered a lot of salted pork, it's Saruman's favorite and those accursed Hobbits ate all of it when they were here. With nothing else to do, Saruman and I started a game of "Risk: The Middle-Earth Edition." Who will win remains to be seen.

March 8, T.A. 3019

Dammit, Ents! Those lumbering oafs intercepted our Instacart delivery and claimed they actually ordered the food, then took it all for themselves! It's looking like I might win the game of Risk – I've taken over Eriador and Mirkwood, but Saruman keeps repelling my attacks on the Mines of Moria and Rohan.

March 9, T.A. 3019

Well, no more Risk for us. I managed to capture Isengard from Saruman this morning, and he had a meltdown and threw the entire game out the window. I set up another Instacart delivery to come tomorrow at the crack of dawn – maybe it'll get past the Ents unnoticed.

March 10, T.A. 3019

Last night I slept on the cold, hard floors of Orthanc, as Saruman threw my bed into Lake Isengard in retribution for me taking Isengard from him in Risk. Then this morning the Ents once more stole our food. We only have three days of food left. I tried phoning the Witch-King of Angmar to airlift us out of here on a Fellbeast, but he said, "My Fellbeast isn't your personal Uber, you sniveling coward!" and then hung up. How rude of him.

March 11, T.A. 3019

Only two days of food left – this is getting unbearable. It would be better if we had TV, but that cut out when Isengard flooded, so now I can't even keep up on The Real Housewives of Minas Tirith. Tomorrow is Saruman's birthday, and I really don't know what to get him this year. He keeps dropping hints that he'd love an authentic morgul blade, but I don't know how the heck to get my hands on one of those.

March 12, T.A. 3019

Today was a disaster. Saruman had yet another conniption this morning when he woke up to find that I hadn't procured a morgul blade for him, and then that combined with his high blood pressure gave him a heart attack. He died shortly after, and I offered up his corpse to the Ents in exchange for letting some food get through their blockade. They agreed, and this afternoon they sent up some food. My wine smelled a bit odd, but I had become desperate and drank it and ate it all anyway. Oh…oh God, something feels wrong….