A/N - I've written quite a bit for Fullmetal Alchemist in the past, but it's been a few years since I've written for this fandom! I am excited to get back into it, and I may be editing and updating some of my older fics.

This fic takes place a few years pre-canon. Everything is canon for the manga and Brotherhood, but I've messed with the timeline a little bit so Roy is still a Major when Ed becomes a State Alchemist. This fic is mostly Ed and Roy friendship and Roy whump. It will be seven chapters.

Title is from "That Unwanted Animal" by the Amazing Devil.

Roy was just one step away from his promotion. He was so close he could taste it. Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang - that sounded pretty good. Much better than Major Mustang. Major Mustang sounded like a child, but Lieutenant Colonel Mustang...that was completely different. He was moving up in the world.

He just had to get through the party tonight, and...a few other nights, and then the promotion would be his. He was doing a great job, and he was going to continue to do a great job, and there was no reason at all to think about the other stupid Major who was up for the same promotion, because he wasn't going to get it and Roy was.

Roy carefully buttoned his vest over his long-sleeve shirt, and arranged his hair into something that he thought looked both dashing and professional. He and Fullmetal had been sent to collect an alchemist from a town outside of West City, made famous by housing one of the largest schools of alchemy that Amestris had to offer. There was a party there tonight, and supposedly everyone of note would be there. That most likely included Roy's mark, and so it included Roy and Ed as well.

They were deep undercover, so instead of attending the party as Flame and Fullmetal, State Alchemists of Amestris, they were going as two academics, interested in the field of alchemy. Roy hadn't spent much time in the academic sphere, so he wasn't entirely sure what to expect. Still, he thought he could pull it off.

He wondered if he looked scholarly enough. The vest was helping, certainly. But what about glasses? Glasses didn't really make Maes look scholarly, but Roy thought that he was the exception that proved the rule. Roy could probably make some glasses out of the hotel windowpanes, and put the whole thing back together after the party, before anyone from the hotel noticed. Or maybe...elbow patches? Roy had had a teacher when he was younger who wore a jacket with elbow patches, and he had looked very scholarly indeed.

Pens. Academics always had to have pens with them, Roy was pretty sure. That was how they...took notes and things. Roy glanced around the hotel room where he and Ed were staying, but it was pretty barren. No pens to be found. Roy himself didn't carry pens on a typical mission, but he thought there was a chance that Ed did. Once Ed was ready for the party too, Roy would ask….

Or maybe he was taking this too far. The promise of the promotion had had him pretty strung out for the last week - Riza had told him so. He just needed to focus tonight, not on glasses or pens, but on the alchemist they were supposed to find. And the sooner he managed that, the sooner he'd be able to introduce himself as Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang.

Ed trudged down the hall towards the room that he was sharing with Major Mustang, wondering if the vain bastard was finally ready. He'd started preparing for the party at least an hour ago, and Ed had finally left to get food after thirty minutes of watching the soldier pick through his suitcase and make faces. It had only taken Ed about ten minutes to get ready, even with all of Roy's dumb rules about what was "appropriate" for a party and what was "utterly horrifying." They'd finally managed to compromise on a long sleeve shirt and vest, although Ed insisted on wearing the vest unbuttoned, because it clearly looked cooler that way.

Ed pushed the door to their room open without bothering to knock. He found Roy preening in the mirror, pushing one single strand of hair back and forth across his forehead.

"It looks stupid both ways," Ed told him, stomping in and flopping down on Roy's bed, just to annoy him.

Roy scowled at him in the mirror, then turned around, crossing his arms. "Fullmetal."

"Major," Ed said, mimicking his tone as much as he could. "Are you finally ready, or do you need another hour to stare at yourself in the mirror?"

Roy growled. "Just because you seem to enjoy looking ridiculous does not mean that everyone does. Now, are you finished? This is a serious mission-"

"I know it's a serious mission," Ed snapped. "I read the briefing."

And he had. Possibly just because he was bored on the train out here and needed something to do, but he'd read it nonetheless. He and Roy were going undercover in an academic town because during the Ishval conflict, one of the State Alchemists had deserted after committing a series of war crimes. The man went by the codename of the Bone Alchemist and he'd been missing for almost five years. The military had received intelligence that he'd settled here, in a town called Avanra, and Roy, as the Major in charge of State Alchemist recruitment and affairs, had been sent out to collect him. Ed had been told to go with him, in case the Bone Alchemist proved to be dangerous - which Ed thought likely, given his status as a war criminal. Ed had asked that Al be allowed to come along too, but the military was treating this as a top secret mission, and apparently a gigantic, talking suit of armor was "too conspicuous." So now he was stuck with the aggravating Major Mustang, and his own plans were on hold because the Amestrian military couldn't even keep track of its alchemists.

But hopefully, it would all be over by tonight. Ed and Roy had wasted a few days by asking around Avanra, but unsurprisingly, no one recognized the name "Bone Alchemist" or the excruciatingly vague description the military had provided. Finally, a few people had suggested that they go to the annual academic conference-slash-dinner party held by the university, since all alchemists of note in the area attended.

Part of Ed hoped that they'd find the guy quickly, and Roy could take him off somewhere and Ed could continue enjoying the party. A room full of famous alchemic scholars would be fascinating, and Ed had a few researchers he'd been following closely. All in all, Ed supposed that it could be a worse mission. Although it would have been improved if they didn't have to be undercover - Ed hated the idea of having to pretend to be a scholar, instead of one of the most powerful alchemists in the world.

With a sigh, Roy finally stopped trying to fix his hair. "Yes," he said. "I suppose I'm ready."

"Finally. Let's go."

The party was being held in the Academy's library, which also doubled as a function hall. The walk there took longer than Roy had expected. By the time they had arrived, the party already seemed to be in full swing. That wasn't what Roy had intended, and he supposed he had to admit that perhaps Ed had been right - he could have gotten ready a little faster. Not that he would ever say that to Ed.

They had to show their invitations at the door - Roy had sent into HQ once he found out about the party, and the fakes they had mailed over had arrived that morning. They also had to put on name tags. They'd discussed the fact that they would still be using Ed and Roy - they were common enough names in Amestris, and it would be easier than trying to get used to new first names. They hadn't discussed what last names they would be using, so Roy panicked and wrote Roy Hughes.

The interior of the library was beautiful. There was a large open space in the middle, with shelves of books stretching above their heads and alchemists talking and laughing with drinks in hand. There were private rooms and cozy-looking corridors radiating out from the main room. There was a second floor that overlooked the open space in the middle, marked off by a bannister, and it looked like there were more party guests up there too. In one corner, there was a long table piled high with buffet-style food - it looked nicer than anything Roy had eaten in years.

Ed made a small, pleased noise. Roy assumed it was about the food, but when he looked down at the kid, he was staring at the books.

"Do you think it's weird to read at a party?" he asked. "If we find the guy quick enough, I mean. Just look at all these…."

Roy considered. Although he didn't go to a lot of parties, he was still fairly confident it was weird to read at one. He didn't have the heart to tell Ed that, though.

"Investigating first," Roy said definitively. "I think our plan should be to talk to as many people as possible. There can't be more than-" his eyes bounced around the room, coming up with a quick and accurate headcount trained into him from Ishval "-maybe seventy people here. Seventy-five. We should try to talk to most of them tonight."

Ed sighed and rolled his eyes. "Boring. But fine. Let's do it really quickly, in large groups, and that way I can read."

"Yes. I'll be sure to arrange our mission around your entertainment," Roy said drily, grabbing a glass off a passing tray. He didn't bother to check what was in it - he wasn't planning on drinking anything, but tipsy people shared more with people they assumed were tipsy too. Then, he scanned the room, locating a group of people gathered around an alchemical textbook, talking and pointing excitedly. He motioned to Ed, and they drifted over to join them. Roy worked himself into the outskirts of the group, for now content to listen, ready to enter into the conversation when the flow permitted.

"-DeBussey's use of transmutic theory was rather subpar-"

"Yes, but his explanation of equivalency is-"

Beside Roy, Ed's eyes lit up, and he cleared his throat impatiently. Six pairs of eyes flicked downwards, landing on Ed in some confusion.

"Yeah, I read that one," Ed interjected. "The theory honestly was a little weak, but the stuff he talked about in Chapter Six, the way he suggested using heat from one transmutic reaction in the next to conserve energy, I've never seen that written anywhere else. His suggestions for practical alchemy are completely untouched."

Roy frowned. He...actually hadn't thought of that. He was obviously an extremely skilled alchemist, but if he was being completely honest, he wasn't much of an academic. Maybe he should get back to it, try to read some more recent publications-

"Umm, how old are you?"

Roy snapped himself back to the task at hand, where one of the adults was frowning down at Ed, looking at him as though he'd grown a second head.

"Thirteen," Ed snapped, hands curling into fists with an audible click of automail.

Roy closed his eyes. Ed had worked for him for almost a full year now, and Roy had grown to respect Ed's intelligence, drive, and passion. Even though he made fun of him constantly for his height and age, Roy didn't really think of him as a teenager - he thought of him as a wildly talented alchemist. Unfortunately, the whole point of being undercover meant that they were trying to hide that fact, and everyone at the party saw Ed merely as an insane child. In fact, now that Roy was looking around, possibly the only child at the party. Everyone in their little group was looking at Ed now, and if Roy didn't come up with a good explanation now, then he'd be stuck with whatever horrific thing popped into Ed's head.

"He's my son," Roy blurted, then instantly began mentally cursing himself. He knew he shouldn't have written Hughes' name on the tag, Maes was in his head now and stupid children were all he could think about. Besides, there was no way that he, Major Roy Mustang, looked anywhere near old enough to have a thirteen-year-old son. Their cover was as good as blown.

But to Roy's combined distress and relief, the alchemists didn't seem to be nearly as suspicious as he felt that they should be. One of them even nodded a little, as if what Roy was saying made perfect sense. Roy forged on, emboldened, trying to ignore the fact that Ed seemed to be making a horrifying choking sound beside him.

"Yeah, he's my son," Roy said. He's my son-" Roy looked down at Ed's nametag. Without Roy noticing, he had written his name as Edward Enigma. Roy chose to mostly ignore that. "-um...Edward. This is my son Edward. He's interested in Alchemy as well."

Roy rather felt he'd stuck the landing.

But when he looked down at Ed, the kid seemed to be frozen in horror. He was staring at the other party guests, eyes downturned and mouth a thin line. Roy decided that this was a cover story he perhaps should have ran by Ed ahead of time, and he probably wasn't going to get anything else useful out of this conversation. He grabbed Ed by the shoulder, in a way he hoped looked sort of fatherly, and steered him towards another part of the room, shooting an apologetic look at the other alchemists as he went.

"That could have gone better," Roy said once they were out of earshot. "I forgot that you're...I mean you're...maybe you should try to have fewer big ideas on alchemical texts. Just for tonight."

Ed frowned. "This party sucks," he said emphatically.

"We're going to try it my way," Roy said. "If it doesn't work we'll...try something else." He did not promise that they would try it Ed's way. He wasn't quite sure what Ed's way would be, but he was sure it would be horrible.

He gestured towards another knot of people, and he and Ed started heading that direction. Roy realized with a bit of shame that he'd completely forgotten to remember anything specific about the first group of people he'd been with. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to pick any of them out again. He didn't want to admit it, but his detective skills could probably use a bit of fine-tuning. Hopefully the promotion to Lieutenant Colonel would help with that. He could get out in the field more, stop doing so much paperwork.

"Greetings," Roy said to the new group of people. That sounded natural, right? A few people smiled and murmured hellos. "My name is Roy, and this is my son, Ed. We're hoping to, um...talk with some people who work at the Academy. I, um, study alchemy, and I'm hoping to someday work here myself. Ed is interested in learning more about alchemy as well."

"How old is he?" someone asked. The question was directed at Roy instead of Ed, and it took Roy a second to even understand what the person was talking about.

"Thirteen," Ed said hotly.

"And you're already interested in some alchemy? That's incredible!"

He said it in the tone someone might use to comment on a dog doing a particularly impressive trick. Roy had a horrifying image of Ed punching the man, possible with the metal hand.

"Thank you," Ed managed. It sounded like the words pained him.

"When I was about your age, I read Brekker's analysis of Flamel's Codex. The Codex itself might be a little advanced for you, but Brekker's work is really a wonderful introduction, and in a few years-"

"I read Brekker's analysis of the Codex when I was six," Ed interrupted. "And that was after I'd read the fucking Codex."

Everyone in the circle stiffened. Many of them were looking accusingly at Roy. Roy blinked back at them, trying to figure out exactly what he was expected to do. This was just how Ed was, abrasive and foul-mouthed, and Roy was pretty sure that there was nothing he could do to change that. And besides, he had read the Codex.

And then Roy remembered that he was pretending to be Ed's father, not his superior officer, and theoretically speaking, fathers commanded the respect of their children in a way the title of Major didn't appear to replicate. Maybe that, too, would change with his promotion to Lieutenant Colonel…. But for now, Roy was apparently expected to control his offspring.

"Oh. Umm...language, Edward!" Roy said severely. Ed scowled at him, flushing bright red, and Roy tried to look scary enough to be a well-respected parent, but not scary enough that anyone in the group would worry about Ed's welfare.

For some reason, the adults in the group didn't look appeased. In fact, the original person who'd spoken to Ed about Brekker's analysis of the Codex frowned even more dramatically, and after another moment, he melted away from the circle. One by one, the rest of the party guests followed him, leaving Ed and Roy standing alone.

Upon reflection, Roy thought that perhaps they'd expected him to discipline Ed for being so rude about the alchemist's not-so-helpful tip, and that Ed's comment had been problematic for more than just his upsetting language. Or maybe, they were unnerved by Ed's brick red face and trembling hands as he struggled to control his temper.

"That was fucking awful," Ed snapped. Roy sighed and rubbed at his head, which had suddenly started to ache.

"This isn't working."

"That's what I said," Ed complained. "It's not my fault I'm smarter than all of them combined."

"You don't have to tell them that," Roy hissed. "If they're underestimating you, you have power. You are not going to...to die, or whatever it is you seem to think will happen, if not everyone in the room knows exactly what you're capable of."

Ed did not look like he wanted to take Roy's advice. In fact, he looked like he was considering throwing a tantrum. Roy resisted the urge to rip out large handfuls of his own hair, instead closing his eyes for a moment and picturing his superiors pinning Lieutenant Colonel's bars onto his uniform.

"We're splitting up," Roy announced.

Ed's face somehow got redder, and Roy thought he saw a little shred of shame join the anger in his eyes.

"We'll be able to talk to everyone at the party much quicker this way," Roy said, as nicely as he could manage, allowing himself one small glare at the young alchemist. "If we split up, we'll be able to tackle two groups at the same time."

"Fine," Ed said angrily. Roy couldn't tell if he was angry about the suggestion, or just angry in general.

"Good then," Roy said. "We should meet up as often as possible, to confirm we're not talking to the same people more than once. You remember the description we were given, right?"

"Dark hair, dark eyes," Ed rattled off obediently. "A tattoo on his wrist. Fifteen years older than you. Super powerful alchemist."

"It's just a hunch my superiors had that he still practices alchemy. Try not to rely on that, there's still a chance-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ed said. "See you in a few minutes, Maj-...Dad."

Under other circumstances, maybe Roy's heart would be warmed, but Ed had said Dad with the exact same inflection he would have used to say bastard. And then, with a wave of his metal hand, Ed was wandering away.

Ed hated this stupid party. He hated these stupid alchemists. He hated this stupid mission, and he hated the stupid Major. All he wanted to do was curl up in the corner and read, ideally with one of the fancy sandwiches or something, and it was looking less and less likely that that was going to happen.

Since Ed and the Major had split up, things had not been going well. Ed hadn't commanded a lot of respect when he was with Mustang, and now that he was on his own, he somehow commanded even less. Ed was trying his best to be polite, but it wasn't exactly easy when it seemed that everyone in the room assumed he couldn't read. It was going to be pretty much impossible to identify who were the most powerful alchemists - no one would be bringing that information up to him.

It had been a long time since he'd felt held back by his age. But he was feeling it now.

He approached an older man, trying his best to look like he knew what he was talking about without looking threatening.

"Hi," Ed started. "I-"

"Hello," the man said, in that specific tone of voice that people used to talk to children, which Ed had come to hate. "Where is your parent? Are you lost?"

"No," Ed said, but he had the feeling this conversation wasn't going to be salvageable. "I'm actually here alone."

"Are you here with your mom or your dad?" the man asked. "Can you tell me what they look like?"

"I'm thirteen, I'm not braindead," Ed snapped, before he could stop himself. The man's eyes widened, and he started looking over Ed's head, presumably for an adult who looked like they were missing a child. Ed growled, and before he lost his temper even more and punched the guy, melted back into the crowd. He would try this again. One last time.

Ed's next target was a confused-looking academic type, the sort of woman who might not realize that the alchemist she was talking to was only thirteen. Ed took a deep breath, promising himself that whatever happened, this time he wouldn't lose his temper.

"Hi," Ed said, walking up to her, exuding as much confidence as he possibly could. "I was hoping to talk to you about alchemy."

She looked around, as if wondering who had spoken to her, and finally looked down at Ed. "Oh. Umm, are you...alone?"

"Yep," Ed said shortly.

"What happened to your parents? Shouldn't they be with you?"

Ed bit the inside of his cheek and reminded himself of his promise.

"They want me to learn about alchemy. They sent me off on my own, and I'm not allowed to find them until I talk to a famous alchemist at this party. You're the only one who can help me," he finished melodramatically, widening his eyes at her.

"Oh. Oh dear," she said, looking deeply upset. "I...I don't think that's...appropriate. I'm going to have to have a word with your parents…. What do they look like?"

Ed sighed. Apparently, there was literally no way to get an adult to talk to a teenager at a party - another unbreakable law of nature. "Forget it, lady. I'm done here."

Ed stomped away before she could stop him, feeling his temper surge out of control. If he had to talk to one more condescending adult, he really was going to punch someone. Mustang was aggravating, vindictive, self-centered, and rude, but at least he didn't treat Ed like a baby. And if Ed was actually thinking kind thoughts about his horrific superior officer, then he really must have been pushed to the absolute brink. He was just going to remove himself from the situation, grab some food, and hope that Roy was having better luck.