Melset was never impressed by first appearances. She was trained to see through veneers, yet this recruit was young, handsome, cheerful, and talented at seemingly everything. Eshee Naeem's only flaw was that the military life hadn't yet seasoned out his boyish whims. He didn't hide he was a clown and most were harmless, but they could be disruptive.

"I will make you laugh, that it my ultimate goal," he declared at their first meeting.

"Oh? Your goal should be to keep the Orissá functioning not to merely entertain your comrades."

"You look like the uptight type."

Melset gave him a hard look.

"That was a terribly poor choice of words, Gul Melset," he gestured with contrition. "Throw me through the airlock right now, please!"

"At ease, recruit Naeem!" she didn't fall for his self depreciation. "You simply want to make me lose composure? I can laugh easily, if that is what you wish to hear, but not here, not on duty. Any distraction could mean neglecting duty, and that, in turn, will have an unpleasant encounter as a result."

She did so, but he wasn't satisfied.

"That was a forced, hollow laugh meant to discourage me. I will not only make you laugh, but it will give you a belly ache."

"You are welcome to entertain my crew and myself during downtime, but until then, I expect fulfilment of duty alone."

"Understood," he said and saluted.

She politely smiled and they resumed discussing matters of the ship and his expected duties. Only Kovar could truly make her laugh.

She had been asked to watch this recruit carefully. He was being considered for the Obsidian Order, but that was classified. He was exceptionally intelligent and had already passed rigorous officers' tests. If experience and other hoops weren't required, he'd easily be catapulted in rank. His true talents were in his social skills. How well she knew that a friendly and cheery countenance was more likely to bewilder the Federation than a silent and shifty Cardi?

Naeem was quick to make the rest of the crew laugh. Overall stress went down and morale went up because of his mere presence. He was naturally drawn to any person that was overworked and he would let out a dramatic gasp or misplaced hiss and their vexation melted like ice on a spoon. It wasn't much of a disruption as it was much needed levity.

When it was chow time, Naeem upped his antics considerably. He was a master of imitation and could mimic even the female soldiers almost convincingly. For comedic purposes, he refused and exaggerated or purposely got wrong certain tones and inflections.

Melset liked to keep a professional distance in her early days commanding the Orissá but began to hear the ruckus caused at meals and disapproved. Some pleasure was allowed, yes, but what sort of impression did this have on others and herself?

She sat down one evening hoping to shame Naeem into behaving and avoid a needless confrontation but underestimated the mission. All was well until a junior officer innocently requested a certain impression.

"Be a gettle!"

"Hurrah!" the soldiers pounded the table with their fists.

That must be a popular demand, Melset thought.

Naeem promptly leaped upon the table before him, thrashing like the ancient lizard-like riding steed. The heavy boots required of their soldiers caused the table beneath them to tremble and Melset feared for a split second it couldn't possibly handle the weight and would buckle. Miraculously, it held.

To her horror, some of the tough Cardassian soldiers around her were buckling with laughter. She was in slight shock. No soldier under her watch had behaved literally like an animal in the mess hall, not even the drunkest and dumbest.

Naeem knew what he was doing. He reared and roared, snorted and puffed his breath. There were men crying tears of joy as he imitated the gettle's eating habits, helping himself to someone's plate of greens. Then he gazed right at Melset.

She was torn between shouting him down like a naughty child and bursting into laughter. Neither was appropriate for her. Her neck membranes trembled a little like the table had.

That was the moment he let out his battle cry. The gettle had a distinctive cry that was pathetic compared to real predators. She felt liquid burning in her nose and tried to cover her face, but everyone must have seen her snort her own tea trying not to laugh.

There was a huge burst of laughter and Naeem looked smug. Melset rose from her seat and made a hasty exit. She needed to recover from the humiliation of losing control and a slight drowning sensation. She didn't see Naeem's smile fade into a troubled frown.

After morning drills the next day, she called him for a word. She was surprised to see him looking severely depressed. Seeing him miserable was entirely new.

"I regret my behavior, Gul Melset," he said glumly. "My intent was to make you laugh, not humiliate you. I am supposed to be a soldier, not a clown. I trust you will punish me proper."

"You are certainly not a gettle!" she couldn't help but snap.

She knew it was unbecoming of her, but no Cardassian liked to be embarrassed and especially not in front of those under her command. She expected a stupid joke, but one never came from Naeem.

"You deserve all the respect of your rank and more," he said seriously. "The soldiers under you and the crew aboard this ship like you and respect you more than you know. I hear their conversations and they boast of it to me."

She wasn't going to be buttered up, "Then why do you provoke me? What you are doing is endangering your career."

"I have a working theory about people in your position and of your type."

"Ah, the uptight type?"

"A mean-spirited word and unfair."

"What's this theory?" She was curious in spite of herself.

"It is that people like you are sad beneath it all."

"Sad?" she looked at him in bewilderment.

"Sad or lonely perhaps," he did his utmost not to look at her. "I am presuming too much and it's only a working theory. Perhaps analyzing people is not a job for me. I know words like I have uttered are practically taboo."

"As I did, you will have to learn to accept both your professional and private situation as is. Besides, they also say those that go out of their way to make others laugh are the people that conceal their pain the most."

Sad, no, but very lonely at times. I'm a Gul, the others my subordinates; there is only Tepek with whom to discuss critical aspects of shipboard life - within limits. Personal matters and concerns? Never.

He painted on a smile, "Do you think I am of that category?"

"I don't know you, recruit, but I do know that whatever branch you select, Central Command or Order, will not condone your manner of addressing a superior officer."

"I apologize, yet again. Whatever the Order or Central Command decide to do with me, I'd be honored to be permanently assigned under you. I'm no bootlicker. I mean that."

"What is your goal? Don't say to make me laugh!"

"It is to serve Cardassia wherever I can do it best."

"Start by acting more disciplined then, Eshee Naeem. I mean that as constructive criticism. While your imitations and spontaneous comments offer the crew - and myself - some amusement during downtime, when you are on duty I expect strict adherence to shipboard discipline."

"I understand."

"I had to storm out of the mess halls because I did laugh," she confessed. "Now that foolish mission is accomplished, will you act more dignified?"

"Aye!" he saluted and his depression almost seemed staged it was gone so quick. "I just wish I had heard you laugh!"

"We don't always get to witness the moment of victory. Be satisfied, in secret." She relented, "If you have occasion to interact with humans, your talent will find you winning their trust, and from that point onwards, it will not be difficult for you to obtain valuable information." Her comportment shifted, her expression became stern. "What consequences would you expect for overstepping regulations?"

"I should be punished and the others should see me punished."

"A nasty joke of my own, then: You'll clean the replicators in the mess hall for a week!"

"Not bad," he smiled wide and risked commenting. "You may have missed your calling as a comedian. What are you doing here, Gul Melset?"

"Recruit Naeem, this question would be grounds for a reprimand for insubordination as it openly challenges my authority over this vessel and its crew; however I shall overlook it this once and even give you an answer: I am a servant of Cardassia with all this implies and to the very last consequence as stated in the Talsvar Kardassu."

Melset was working on a glowing report on Naeem when she received a message from Entek. He informed her a special agent was coming to assess the young man in question further. She must be prepared to cooperate fully with him. She got an ominous feeling but responded she would accommodate him.

The agent looked like a grandfatherly Cardassian man. He was tall and smelled like old leather. He had a generous smile but when he was standing relatively alone and seemingly unobserved, he had a vapid blank expression that made Melset uneasy.

"I am here to assess your temporary recruit," he told her.

"Am I about to need a replacement for him?" she asked.

She was trained exactly how to behave around operatives no matter their station or rank which could easily be a front. She usually saw these people as kindred spirits.

"That remains to be seen. I already have your unpolished report."

How? She knew better than to ask aloud, mentally answered her unspoken question: the listening devices I have added to those already installed. She voiced, "Do you require more of me?"

"He was granted a brief furlough while under you. He did log time stamps and details of what he did?"

"You will have those."

"Have you noticed the recruit becoming close with any particular soldiers aboard the Orissá?"

She blinked as she gave the question the proper thought, "Not particularly. He thrives on the attention of many over a few."

"A showman and yet he is a private man at heart."

Melset was slightly confused by these sorts of questions. They had nothing to do with the young man's merits or many talents. After their confrontation he had made a complete turnaround for the better. He told jokes and laughed the loudest still, but he had shown discipline and made her like him in his brief time aboard her ship. This line of questioning was personal and searching…

"He does tend to keep to himself when all is said and done."

"Do you have any knowledge of him speaking of a spouse or lover?"

Now she began to feel a chill come over her. She shook her head.

"I am going to ask random questions of your crew to further assess this man's character. Then I will take him from you for a friendly conversation. Depending on his answer, he will be transferred elsewhere. Regardless of where he goes, Gul Melset, Entek and I expect your discretion."

"You have it," she replied. "He will be missed."

She almost said what a shame but restrained herself. It was never good to speak what was on the mind. She provided the agent the required documents knowing it was an empty formality. He likely already had the logs and everything else.

I can't help the poor man, she told herself. What a terrible waste of talent. I should have known he was hiding something after all.

Naaem entered the room that looked deceptively like an interview room and greeted the grandfatherly looking man jovially. When he sat in the comfortable chair across from him, he was unaware of anything amiss. He had been expecting someone to come review him and collect him for whatever branch of the military or otherwise he had been selected for and was quite happy to finally find out what his lot in life would be.

"Eshee Naaem. That is an unusual name."

"I never did catch yours. We'll see how unusual it is when we compare!"

"You are a funny man, eh, Naaem?" he smiled. "You can simply call me a minister. I do not give my name and if I did, it would be an alias. I could give you some names that are perfect for the punchline of a joke, but that would be juvenile."

"I can be serious when required."

"I want you to be open and honest during this interview, Naaem. Would you like a beverage?"

"What's on tap?"

"Do you have a preference?"

"How about red leaf?"

"You know what? I will have the same."

There was a slight pause as they awaited their drinks and took a few sips. The youth didn't seem nervous at all.

"Gul Melset gave you a glowing review," the minister informed him. "Your peers had no complaints. In fact, you were a source of entertainment while you performed whatever task assigned to you with excellence. Your test scores were some of the highest. You should be quite proud."

"And I was half convinced the Gul hated me! I owe her a lot," Naaem was pleased.

"Tell me who it was that inspired you to study so hard."

"My parents were very involved in my academics from the time I was a little lizard boy. They hoped I wouldn't be lazy like my brothers. I enjoyed the praise I received whenever I succeeded."

"That must have made your brothers resentful. Were you the baby of the family?"

"I was. To ease up on them, I made fun of myself and of them."

"Ah, so that's how you became the funny man as well."

"I suppose so. If I made them laugh, I was less likely to get beaten up for being the smug overachiever."

"How many brothers did you have?"

"Three."

"And I imagine your father worked a lot and your mother did more of the hands on raising?"

"No, actually. My father was equally involved."

"Really?" the minister didn't seem to like that answer. "I saw in your records that you played sports and excelled at that too?"

"I did. I enjoyed sports. That was play time for me."

"Play time? Your team often won."

"I played well."

"That is surprising."

"Why? Don't all boys like sports?"

"Fair enough. Have you plans to start a family soon, Naeem?"

"No. My career comes first. I also know that certain organizations prefer that their agents be unmarried and therefore unfettered. After all, it is the only thing that might possibly matter more than a mission."

"That is true, but far more branches of the military practically require a wife and family. Part of their duty is to ensure their legacy continues and they don't leave their family robbed of another generation. Young men that marry are offered double the pay to accommodate for a growing family and they are offered more leave to spend time with the wife and children. Are you aware that most men marry for precisely those reasons? More pay and vacation time? Never mind the benefit of having a woman to hold you after countless hours with hard men or the joy of a newborn in your arms. They are also motivated purely by sexual urges."

"If I found the right woman, and if I was somewhat established in my career, perhaps then I would go searching for a spouse."

"Is it truly because you are career oriented that you avoid dating women?"

"That and because women are tricky, minister. They tend to get annoyed at my jokes."

"Are you really telling me that your only flaw is that you are a funny man, Naeem?"

"I'm also ugly."

"That's a lie! You are objectively an attractive young man! You have been on dates with several women in your past."

"I have."

"Did you know we tracked them down?"

"You did?" Naaem was caught off guard. "Why would you do that? That has nothing to do-"

"For character reference, we did just that. Do you want to hear what some of those women really thought of you?"

Naaem hesitated.

"They thought you were charming and they wondered why you never asked for another date. The majority would have resumed a relationship if you had only asked. They left wondering what was wrong with them."

"I-I didn't mean to make any of those women doubt themselves. I had no idea-"

"Some of them would have slept with you," the minister said bluntly. "Even though pre-marital relations are frowned upon in Cardassian society, they would have made an exception for you. As long as such relations are discreet, many turn a blind eye or engage in such regardless. Everyone knows it goes on all the time, especially among the young and attractive."

Naaem gave the minister a sharp look, "Why am I really being questioned like this?"

"You were given some leave," he barreled into the next question. "Where did you go?"

"I went to a bar with several others of the crew of the Orissá."

"It was a racy bar."

"Yes."

"You didn't stay very long."

"I was there most of the night."

"Not according to witnesses. When we questioned the crew, a few admitted that you left far sooner than anyone else. You did pay for a lap dance like the rest of the men. You tipped her well. Then you slipped away claiming drunkenness."

"I am a lightweight."

"Where did you go?"

"Back to my bed."

"Ah," the minister gave him a nasty smile. "Do funny men employ lies into their acts?"

"Isn't my time on leave my own time?"

"When you serve Cardassia, there is no such thing as a personal life or personal time. Even the average soldier must report their activities. You know that."

Naeem sighed and wondered if this was a test and once he answered this honestly, he'd be done with this charade. He took a drink and then tried to explain.

"I didn't want to admit it, but I went back to Cardassia to visit a gravesite. I was close to my grandmother and she died when I was still young. That is where I went to."

"You are a very sensitive man," the minister didn't sound sympathetic. "In our society, gravesites are taboo. Only family members know where their loved one is buried and they are responsible for maintaining the memorials, if they have one. Most memorize the exact site. They are also one of the few places that are forbidden to record and loiterers and would be vandals receive severe punishment. It is as sacred a place as could be to our people."

"I know."

"Did you also know that certain members of society take advantage of this and use it to rendezvous?"

"What sort of people?" Naaem was visibly uncomfortable.

"They say it's one of the few safe places for defective people to meet."

"Defective? Did you say defective?"

"Not just them, however. Petty criminals or forbidden lovers too."

"Are you accusing me of being a petty criminal or having a forbidden lover instead of grieving my grandmother, minister?"

"I also mentioned defective."

Naaem winced at that word and said, "My grandmother is buried there. You can check the records for yourself."

"We checked our facts. We know she's buried there. You have many relatives distant or otherwise buried here and there. Isn't that convenient? So do most Cardassians. Again, it is a perfect excuse for people to hide other activities."

"Is there a point to this? I told you the truth. Is there an actual concrete accusation against me?"

"Are you defective?"

"Am I what!"

"Defective."

Naaem sputtered in disbelief for a moment as the minister stared at him with a terrifying blank expression. The young man's heart began to sink.

"Who accuses me?" he couldn't help but demand.

"It is something I am an expert on finding out when there is suspicion. We have our reasons to suspect you might be defective."

"I'm not defective!" Naeem declared with conviction.

"Perhaps you can prove you aren't. I am going to hook you up to some sensors. Is that alright?"

Naeem's breathing picked up but he nodded. Some assistants came into the room to hook him up to heart and brain monitors. Then they made him wait over an hour. During that hour the young man tried to breathe normally and control his mounting fears. He was offered more red leaf and in a moment of frustration he spilled the tea all over the table.

"Alright," the minister's voice resounded throughout the room through a com system. "We are going to play some footage."

"What footage?"

There was no answer. Instead a holofilm began playing in front of him. His jaw dropped when he realized what it was. It was graphic porn and homosexual in nature. Normal porn was discouraged and even criminalized on certain parts of Cardassia. Anything hinting at homoerotic was considered a capital offense to posses or produce. He couldn't believe it would be allowed even in interrogative procedures. It was the last thing he would expect. He tried to avert his eyes and gritted his teeth, praying that the monitors weren't sending alarming numbers.

"Stop this!" he shouted. "This isn't funny!"

"We can't observe your reaction if you look away and don't react to the material," the minister said snidely.

"This is disgusting!"

"Endure it for about five minutes."

Naeem watched helplessly until the time was up and the minister reentered the room. He didn't remove any of the sensors.

"Well, Eshee Naeem, it appears you did have a reaction," he announced.

"What?"

"You appear to have an erection."

Naeem was horrified at his body's betrayal.

"We won't necessarily hold that against you," the minister said with amusement. "The thing about any pornographic material is that it isn't what exactly is happening on screen that turns us on. It is just the idea of sex itself that can cause reactions. Straight men and women can be stimulated by homosexual porn whether they want to be or not. Their brains turn to heterosexual sex. After all, the sounds alone can be erotic. Men react far stronger to graphic scenes of sex while women can be put off, did you know that? It can actually overstimulate them."

"Then what did this test accomplish?" Naeem wasn't sure he should be relieved.

"Are you a virgin, Naeem?"

"Yes."

The minister chuckled and he knew he didn't believe him.

"We are going to bring a comfort woman in here to test you."

"What?"

"You don't have an aversion to Bajoran women, do you? We couldn't possibly subject a Cardassian woman to this sort of thing."

"I do have an aversion to using a comfort woman!"

"A hole is a hole," the minister joked perversely.

"Let me understand this," Naeem narrowed his eyes and his voice dripped with disdain. "You would rather me rape a woman of another species than be defective?"

"You wanted to prove you weren't defective."

"This is crazy!"

"Bring in the woman!"

They didn't want to wait long for this task so that the young man didn't lose his erection during the wait. A young Bajoran woman entered the room looking terrified. Who knows where she had been or what she was doing before they plucked her for this task. Or maybe she was designated to do it along with being assigned to a certain man? Naeem didn't have time to ask her and as soon as he saw her, he felt pity for her. The minister stripped her before she walked in and she stared at Naeem fearfully for a moment. He stared helplessly back at her.

"Get on with it! He claims he's a virgin, but you know what to do, girl!" the minister urged.

She scowled at his voice but nodded. She attempted to sit on Naaem's lap. He instantly lost his erection.

"It's not your fault, girl," he whispered to her. "I don't think you wanted this anyway."

"I-I wish I could have helped you," she whispered back.

She knocked on the door, requesting her clothes. The minister opened the door, handing her the clothes she wanted. She had done her job, more or less.

"If you sat on my lap, girl, you would get a far different reaction," the minister said to her and gave her coin as he dismissed her.

The girl smiled at his comment, because she had to, and as soon as she turned away she burst into tears.

The minster turned to sneer at Naaem and the young man shouted, "This isn't fair! She's Bajoran! This wouldn't happen to me with a proper Cardassian woman in the proper setting! This doesn't prove I'm defective!"

"It's plenty proof."

Naaem felt his life slipping away. His dreams of being a perfect ideal of a Cardassian citizen were dashed and all his success seemed to be in vain. He knew he was caught. It was true that even if they brought the most beautiful Cardassian woman in there to sit in his lap, it would always have the same result. But now his life might be in danger.

"You claimed you had your reasons to suspect me before. What was the reason?"

The minister began to recite a very personal and private letter that Naaem had recently written, "To one of my oldest and dearest friends, I have heard that you are engaged. When I heard the news I did a lot of thinking and going through memories. You were my best friend when we were school boys. I would race to play with you every day. We climbed trees and pretended to be gettle. We hunted voles and dug up insects. I remember you wanted to be a soldier so bad. You inspired me to want to be a soldier. You were so much better at everything than I was. I wanted to be like you. But now that I have pondered the subject, I wonder if I didn't just want to emulate you to be better. Years later, we grew a bit distant, but when I heard you were asking for me, I couldn't believe you wanted me back in your life. I felt like a worm in your presence if I happened to run into you. But I would love to see you again, and I wonder if you would meet with me somewhere. Name the time and place and I will move the stars to see you. I would like to get to the bottom of how you feel about me. I don't believe you are marrying this woman because you truly love her. I remember everyone pushed you to marry her even when we were little. I wonder, are you like me? Signed, your beloved friend, Eshee."

This broke Naaem. The letter was the most humiliating and damning thing they could have possibly found. It was also a brutal betrayal.

"If I am defective, IF," he began to ask. "Wouldn't that not matter if I were an Obsidian agent? Isn't it true that their agents sometimes take advantage of others with defects?"

"They are not supposed to like it."

"Why is being defective so dangerous if I keep it discrete or remained celibate? What if I were sterilized or castrated?"

"Because being defective is a disease of the mind as much as a degeneracy. You could influence the other soldiers to behave deviously or simply make them uneasy. If you made rank, you might show favoritism to ideal lovers rather than proper candidates. There's always a danger your offspring might carry the gene."

"Then what can I do to... change... myself? Do you understand that all I ever wanted was to serve Cardassia!"

"There are conversion therapies. I am afraid they are brutal. Men and women sit in tubs of water and the water is heated within a few degrees of the boiling point. They nearly boil in this water for twenty minutes. Then they are put immediately into an ice bath for ten. There is also electroshock therapy used and manual labor. Women are encouraged to serve in brothels. Men are given more brutal hard labor."

"Does any of this actually work?"

"It will."

"I need a minute to think on this. What would my other option be?"

"There really is no other option, young man."

"Please leave me."

The minister gave him a fatherly pat on the shoulder and left the room. But he left his weapon. Naaem wept for a moment and then reached for it...

Melset was finishing briefing her crew on the Orissá when she was told the news. The minister wanted to thank her for her part before he went seeking his next victim. She read the full report of Naeem's suicide and her fingers shook as she closed it.

"I have to ask one question," she said.

"What is it, Gul Melset?"

"Did you leave your weapon in the interrogation room with the subject alone on purpose?"

The minister shrugged and said, "Some problems work themselves out. We have zero tolerance for the defective in our ranks."

Notes:

Adam's Song by Blink182

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone