Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 and a half billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also, incorrect.
Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, - at 9:00 A. M. This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour. It was created at 9:13 in the morning. Which was correct. The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows: "You may be feeling run down and always in the same daily round. A friend is important to you. You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected quarter". This was perfectly correct on every count, except for the bit about the salads. To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise. Just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple.
Amara, dressed in grey robes with her grey wings, watched from the wall that surrounded the garden of Eden as a snake came up from the ground and whispered into Eve's ear. She watched as Eve went to the forbidden tree, taking an apple, and biting into it. Adam followed in Eve's path causing them both to be banished from the garden.
Amara looked up at the sky and said, "Let the games begin."
It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. And it was going to be a big one.
Amara stood next to Aziraphale, dressed in white robes with his white wings, as they watched Adam and Eve, now clothed by leaves, walk away from their only home into the vast unknown land. The snake who caused all of this slithered next to them before taking its human-like form dressed in black robes and unfurled his black wings.
"Well, that went down like a lead balloon," Crawley said.
Aziraphale chuckles uncomfortably before asking, "Sorry, what was that?"
"I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon"," Crawley repeated himself.
"Yes, yes, it did, rather," Aziraphale agreed.
"Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offense and everything," Crawley said.
"I agree with you. Could have let them have a warning or a slap on the wrist," Amara said.
"I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway," Crawley continued.
"Well, it must be bad…" Aziraphale paused when he realized he didn't know the name of the demon.
"Crawley," He gave his name.
"Crawley," Aziraphale said before continuing to explain, "Otherwise you wouldn't have tempted them into it."
"Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble"," Crawley told him.
"Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do," Aziraphale told him.
"Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning," Crawley wondered.
"Best not to speculate. It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand. It's ineffable," Aziraphale told the two.
"The Great Plan's ineffable?" Crawley questioned.
"Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words," Aziraphale explained.
"We should at least know what it is. I mean we're all apart of it and we should know what the plan is," Amara voiced her opinion to the two before asking Aziraphale, "Aren't you the least bit curious?"
"Didn't you have a flaming sword?" Crawley asked Aziraphale before he could answer Amara.
"Uh…" Aziraphale stuttered.
"You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?" He asked again.
"You already lost, did you?" Amara asked, "Didn't have it long and you lost it."
"Gave it away," Aziraphale muttered.
"You what?" Amara and Crawley asked.
"I gave it away. There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here"," He explained, "I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing."
"Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing," Crawley assured him.
"You had the best of intentions when you gave it away," Amara told him.
"Oh, oh, thank Oh, thank you. It's been bothering me," Aziraphale thank the two.
The three watched as Adam backed Eve away as a lion approached them. Adam managed to fight and killed the lion.
"I've been worrying, too. What if I did the right thing with the whole "eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing," Crawley told Aziraphale and Amara, "It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one."
Three chuckled before Aziraphale stopped and said, "No. It wouldn't be funny at all."
"Well…" Crawley said.
"Relax, boys. Everything will be alright in the end," Amara told them.
The clouds soon became dark and it started to rain. The three unfurled their wings and covered each other from the rain.
Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last 11 years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown, with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch.