Homer Goes No-Nuts for Doughnuts
This is a story for all you desperadoes out there enduring No Nut November from your boy Richie Wraggs.
One Halloween night at the Simpsons household Marge was awaiting her incompetent husband on the bed.
"Are you ready to dunk your doughnut, Homey?" Asked Marge attempting a sexy voice but failing at it.
"Sorry Marge, but I'm staying up to watch Family Guy tonight." Homer replied.
"Oh Homer... How long will that last?"
"All night it's a marathon."
"Oh Homey I don't understand your fascination with that dumb show!"
Homer says no more, he just leaves the room chuckling to himself. "Sucker!"
He grabs a box of doughnuts from the kitchen and parks fat ass on the couch and turns on the TV. He flicks the channel to Late Nite Eats, pulls his trousers and reveals his foot long hard yellow penis, (Bet you never thought you'd hear the last five words in a sentence huh readers?) picks up a doughnut and crams it on his phallus before sliding it up and down starting off slow then gradually faster, Homer was soon working up a sweat with his eyes to the screen as a delectable delicacy was displayed as close as possible almost in a fetishistic manner. Homer was drooling waterfalls over directly on his dick which was adding extra stimulation. Surely Homer would only be were minutes away from giving "cream filling" a new meaning but suddenly the clock struck midnight and the program was interrupted for an important bulletin.
The TV cut to Krusty the Klown. "Hey hey coomers! Hya hya hya hya!"
Homer shrieks putting cumshot on hold. "What happened to my show?" He picks up the remote and tries to flick through channels but it seems this Krusty clip was too important to flick away as this was broadcast across every channel Homer flicked to.
"It's officially November as of right now and you know what that means... Yes it's that time of year again. The time to go a month without firing your load!"
"D'oh! Well I don't have to take part of this..." Says Homer resuming his disgusting habit.
"This year we're throwing in an incentive, courtesy of Lard Lad! If you make it all the way to the end you win a lifetime supply of doughnuts!"
"A lifetime supply?" Homer gave a little shriek before taking the doughnut of his knob and shoving it and the rest of the doughnuts down his throat.
"Just don't even think you can cheat us by coming in after busting a nut at anytime between now and the 1st of December we'll bust your ass. I'm not kidding we got field agents watching you! So with that good luck but just remember the there's a lot of good health reasons why you shouldn't take part but what am I a doctor? Look them up the internet you lazy retards! And now back to our program!" With that the broadcast ends and Late Nite Eats come back on. Homer shrieks again and yells "Begone thot!" and blasts at the TV with the gun Marge kept from the episode "Cartridge Family" leaving a big hole through the middle.
"Homer what was that noise?" Boomed Marge from upstairs. "Nothing!" Homer claimed his reply.
Homer returned to his bedroom and went to bed.
"So how was your show?"
"What show?"
"Family Guy!"
"What about that retarded show?"
With that Marge turns out the light without a word.
The next day, Homer was sitting at the breakfast table. "What happened to the TV Homer?" Marge screams in Homer's ear.
"It blew it's load, I mean it blew up! Now if you excuse me I'm going to go to masturba- I mean Mr Burns...at the power plant!"
Later at the plant Homer engaged in conversation with his chums Lenny, Carl and Charlie. "Hey Homah, what happening?" asked Lenny?
"I'm doing No Nut November this year..." Replied Homer acting smug.
"Oh you're doing triple N this year? Well Good luck with that. I barely made it all the way last year." Carl says.
"Yeah I failed that already." Shrugged a blushing Charlie.
"You aren't doing it for the doughnuts from last night's announcements are you?" Lenny pops the real question.
"No way man I'm just going to show the world that I'm strong and that sex doesn't drive me!" Homer crossed his arms.
"Now that's the spirit, but Homer. A word of advice from a winner." Carl voices his concern. Homer listened carefully. "I'm sure you are aware what risks you are taking if you are going cold turkey on nutting just for November right?"
"No why?"
"If you're going to take the challenge, you should give up nutting slowly months in advance so you'll be ready for it. If not there's a good chance you'll be consumed by the "thirst!" Carl warns with dramaticism.
"The thirst?" Homer questions back.
"Trust me Homer, you do not want to be consumed. god knows what'll happen if you do so quit before it happens."
Later Homer goes home to Marge waiting to have a word with him. "I know you shot the TV, Homer don't you lie to me!" She nags.
"You're right Marge, I did but that's because I figured we could make a sacrifice for November." Homer coming up with an explanation on the spot.
"TV is your religion what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong Marge. I just want to show the world I'm not enslaved by television, I'll just sit here and enjoy a good book."
Homer slumps on the couch and grabs a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray of which he cracks open to a random page.
"Oh, even the books are against me on this!" Says Homer as he tosses the book in the fireplace.
That night when Homer was fast asleep he had a dream where he was surrounded by slutty anthropomorphic doughnuts "Mmm the land of sexy doughnuts.." Just as he was about to join in an orgy in a hot fudge jacuzzi, suddenly Carl's voice echoed into the dream. "The thirst! Homer You don't want to be consumed by the thirst!"
Homer awakes with a short scream. "Damn it, he's right!" He yelled. "I can't fail now I need to stay awake for all the doughnuts I can fuc..." He stops when he sees Marge awake next to him. "I mean fudge.. Dip in hot fudge." And with that Homer drops back to sleep.
The next day the challenge only felt that it got harder, Homer sat on the couch and grasped at his blue slacks trying to dispel dirty thoughts that would drive him to give in to the urge to choke the chicken. With no TV to keep his attention Homer's eyes searched the room to occupy himself. He tried staring at the cat shaped clock with the tail like pendulum swaying back and forth was starting to resemble a penis to him. He averts his eyes and starts to control his libido by thinking unsexy thoughts but it was no use as the thought of even Barney in a bikini was beginning to inspire arousal. Then he hears light tapping on the carpet, it was his canine companion Santa's Little Helper with the rubber pork chop in his mouth. Without anything else to keep his mind off nutting Homer started to intensely concentrate on SLH who eventually turned his back towards Homer while pinning the chew toy on ground with his rear gyrating in the air. After even just one day of resisting to wrestle with the one eyed trouser snake his dog's tail end was starting to look a little thicc to him so immediately overcome with lust Homer unzipped his slacks and his cock made a Hanna Barbera sound effect as it flopped out of his pants.
In the kitchen Marge was making lunch when all of sudden SLH ran though knocking the food off the table with a trouserless and pantsless thirst driven Homer on all fours following behind knocking even more stuff off.
"Homer? What's gotten into you?" Marge shrieked.
There was no response to the horrified Marge's question outside of animalistic grunting and howling. Homer eventually catches the animal and tries to wedge his rager up SLH's anus. Marge grabs the wall phone and calls 911 with all the speed she could muster. The next day, Homer was in prison for attempted bestiality and restrained in a full body bracket, he can only eat and drink through spoon feeding and only goes to toilet by shitting in his pants but on the bright side he is now a shoe in for surviving no nut November. One week later he finally gets visitors in the shape of his work mates Lenny and Carl.
"Hey, Homah..." Lenny greeting trying not be ashamed of his friend for his misdeed.
"Hey guys..." Homer replies looking down whist sill in his shackles.
"Let me guess the thirst took over didn't it?" Carl asked. "I warned you!"
"Carl you were right, but the doughnuts made me do it!" Homer whined.
"We believe you Homer." Comforted Carl.
"How are you guys doing?" Homer asked on their no nut November challenge.
"We failed." Carl looked at Lenny in anger. "We 69'd because Lenny promised he'd cum first and the bastard held it in."
"You had to admit it was pretty funny." Sniggered Lenny awkwardly.
The next week Homer was visited by Moe who waddled like a penguin to the seat opposite to Homer.
"Hey Homah I bet you haven't had a duff in a long time so I snuck some in for ya." Said Moe as he sneakily passes Homer a cold bottle of Duff under his apron. "You are able to pay for this ain't ya?"
"Sorry but I don't get money here!" Homer tells him.
Moe was enraged and immediately swipes the beer away from Homer.
"So I shoved a bunch of bottles up my ass for nothing? Fuck you Homah I hope you get raped in the showah so many times you'll be shitting blood till next Christmas!"
Luckily for Homer that cannot be the case for the foreseeable future being shackled like he is. Just before November ends Homer was set free when Marge paid the bail.
"Homer I hope they fixed what was wrong with you." Marge spoke with uncertainty about Homer's mental health.
"Don't worry Marge, I promise everything will be back to normal."
The next night before the turn of the date, lard lad was giving away their prizes for the survivors of no nut November with a ceremony. Krusty the Klown was taking the stage. "For his ingenious tactic for getting incarcerated so he is unable to fap for a long duration." Krusty announces. "Give it up for this year's winner Homer Simpson!"
Homer comes on up to the stage to receive his rewards.
"I might have been completely robbed of my dignity but it was worth it!" Homer speaks into the microphone looking lustfully at the doughnuts he won.
Suddenly the door burst open and Sideshow Mel with a bunch of cops walked in. "Hold it right there!" Mel yells halting the ceremony. "This man nutted just before this very event!"
The crowd gasp at what trickery could be pulled. Mel presents photos of the collage over the Don't forget you're here forever sign being caked in white sludge.
"Homer how could you?" Marge gasped in profound disappointment in her husband.
"No doughnuts for you nut buster!" Says Krusty swiping Homer's rewards away.
Then Homer punches out Krusty and takes as many doughnuts as he can before running into the men's room. Inside he jams the door then he shoves as many doughnuts on his erect penis and begins wanking off over the rest. Outside the police arrive outside the door and try to barge through the door. Homer hears slamming and starts tugging himself more ferociously until he starts firing off his reserved coom but at this time the cops broke through with guns blazing filling Homer's fat body with lead. The whole bathroom was buffeted by a blizzard of dough, cream, semen and blood.
"Hold your fire men!" Commanded Chief Wiggum. "He's not black!"
"Chief he was defiling the doughnuts" Said Officer Eddie.
Wiggum with anger fuelled by Eddie's words stood over Homer's bullet ridden carcass and repeatedly fired at the back of Homer's head with his hand cannon. Upon the sight of Homer's skull being completely shattered by the gunfire, splattering the brain all over floor one kid witnessing the brutality cried "Stop! He's already dead!"
The next day there was a small funeral held for Homer, everyone was there except for Homer who buried.
"Where's Homah?" Asked Lenny.
"Uh this is his funeral..." Answered Carl.
"...And now we honour the memory of our dearly departed." Said Reverend Lovejoy. "Marge would you like to say a few words?"
Marge face drenched in tears, rose from her seat and went up to the centre front of the crowd.
"Oh Homey, even in death I'm so proud..." She weeps trembling in her words. "...So proud of the fact that you're dead!" She then says happily before whipping off her funeral dress revealing a skimpy bikini underneath as Semi charmed life blasts in the background. Everyone cheered and partied as Marge had an orgy with every man in town over Homer's grave.
The End!