Fem Bilbo's Journey

Greener than earth

I do not own the Hobbit. Man I wish I owned the Hobbit. I wish I was a hobbit. Please, please, please let me be a hobbit…..

I also have no beta, so all mistakes are mine, please ignore them…

This will not be entirely cannon, I may make some- shall we say- less heartbreaking alterations. The first chapter will also be more in the book format, but the rest will be a bit more like the movies. I love them both, and will (hopefully) mix them equally.

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat; it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.

It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with paneled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats – the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill – The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it – and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. No going upstairs for the hobbit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (she had whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining-rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep-set round windows looking over his garden, and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river.

The hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and her name was Baggin's. The Bagginses were considered a very respectable family in the entirety of the shire. They were respectable, not only because they were very rich, but also because they never had any adventures or ever did anything unexpected. This is a story of how a Baggins, a daughter of a Took, went on an adventure and ended up doing and saying things that were entirely unexpected. This is her story, about how she lost the respect of her neighbors, but gained a rather dwarvish, a rather loud, a rather irritating, and a rather wonderful family in the end.

The mother of this particular hobbit - what is a hobbit? I suppose hobbits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People as they call us. They are a little people, about half of our height, and smaller than the bearded dwarves. Hobbits have no beards. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort, or the sort blessed to a select few by the Goddess, Yavanna. The ordinary everyday sort helps them disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you or me come blundering along, making noise like elephants which they can hear a mile off. The kind blessed to them from Yavanna is the sort that helps them to grow anything from practically no more than the ground beneath them. This kind of magic, while is often unexpected and very rare, is most certainly a gift that the hobbits cherish above all else.

Many hobbits are inclined to be to be fat in the stomach; they dress in bright colors (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow natural leathery soles and thick warm hair like the stuff on their heads ( which is curly and particularly long for women); have long clever brown fingers, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs. Now you know enough to go on with, about hobbits.

Ah, but what about women hobbits? I suppose, Hobbit lasses are a bit different than Hobbit men. Hobbit lasses have long, wildly curly hair on top of their head, ranging from midnight blacks to light browns, their hair, while, is a great pride for them, it flies everywhere, so most women pull their hair back, generally with long, beautiful ribbons. Their feet are slightly larger than the mens, and have slightly less hair, but all the more to go onto the tops of their heads. Now, hobbit lasses often have tempers like fire and brimstone, when their families and those they care for are threatened, they can be catty and cruel to those who they dislike, and they can be the kindest, most remarkable women to those they bond with. Now, although they do wear dresses often at parties, they are not confined to the societal norms mankind (you and I) have, hobbit women are remarkably free from such hindrances and are able to wear whatever they like during their days. Now you have enough to understand, not only our hero's mother, but our hero herself.

As I was saying, the mother of this hobbit-Bilbo Baggins, that is- was the famous Belladonna Took, one of the three remarkable daughters of the Old Took, head of the hobbits who lived across The Water, the small river that ran at the foot of The Hill. It was often said (in other families) that long ago one of the Took ancestors must have taken a fairy wife. That was, of course, absurd, but certainly there was still something not entirely hobbit like about them, and once in a while the Took-clan would go on adventures. The fact remained that the Tooks were a rather unrespectable sort, but were still very rich. Which was why it came as such a surprise when Bungo Baggins married Belladonna Took. Belladonna Baggins still went on adventures after marrying Bungo Baggins, however had slowed down a bit after she had become with her only child-Bilbo. Bungo was of course thrilled to have a child and was even more thrilled when his dearest Belladonna decided to stop the adventures. Bungo had built a large, most luxurious hobbit hole for his lovely wife and daughter (although it was built with his wife's money) that was to be found either under The Hill, or over The Hill or across The Water and there they remained to the end of their days. Unfortunately though, the end of their days came far sooner than was wanted or expected. During the Fell Winter, her parents had gone out on a perfectly respectable stroll in the evening, but had been attacked by wolves and had perished. This had occurred only when Bilbo was 30. The Old Took, the Thain of Hobbiton at the time, had determined she was old enough to stay on her own. Bilbo had been heartbroken, but had given them a perfectly respectable hobbitish funeral and had stayed in the large, luxurious smial her parents had made.

Now, my dear readers, I suppose I should explain a bit about this particular hobbit lass. Bilbo was known to be a living paradox amongst the hobbits. She was considered as respectable, as she was a Baggins and did many hobbitish things, and she was blessed by Yavanna herself. However, she was also considered considerably odd, as since the fell winter she had learnt to throw knives, which, while odd, was largely accepted amongst the hobbits of the shire, because, although many hobbits had lost much, Bilbo had been the one to lose the most, and she generally kept her unhobbitlike nature to herself. Now, this did not mean that she was by any means particularly talented at throwing knives (in fact she had tried the bow and arrow first, but was so much more dreadful at it than expected, she attempted throwing knives, which was rather similar to the game she loved with a fierceness; Conkers), especially because it was a self taught experience. Nobody in all of Hobbiton was well versed in such things as martial arts, not even the Took's themselves. Another oddity was, since the Fell Winter, she stopped using bright colors all together, except for her fathers bright waistcoat, which she couldn't bring to get rid of, as it had been her fathers pride and joy. Instead of colorful ribbons to tie back her sandy brown hair, she used a thick black thong of leather, and she no longer wore dresses to any outings whatsoever.

Today, Bilbo had gone out to the shops to restock her larder. She had bought some rather wonderful pheasants, a large roast, bacon, flour, more sugar, butter and milk. Bilbo Baggins was ready to bake the entirety of the day away. Baking was a habit she picked up from her father. If it had not been baking, Bilbo shuddered to think that she might have picked up smoking his old pipe. While she had loved to watch her father puff out large and impressive smoke rings that never broke, she hated the flavor that terrible pipe tobacco left on the back of her tongue, and the way it seemed to coat her throat so badly that she was unable to speak regularly for the next week. Bilbo was pulling her rather large cart up to the door when she saw a very tall human man, with a large pointy hat, a long white beard, and large bushy caterpillar eyebrows, puffing gently on a pipe.

"Good morning!" Bilbo exclaimed merrily. And it was a good morning indeed. The sun was shining and the grass was a lovely bright green. The man stared down at her.

"What do you mean?" he said "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or do you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?" Bilbo pondered the question, feeling rather uncomfortable.

"All of them at once, I suppose, though mostly, I wish you well." she smiled politely, and since, she was a respectable hobbit, and absolutely loved visitors, she invited him to sit down for a lovely outdoor tea, with her homemade biscuits. "Won't you please sit down for a lovely cup of tea outdoors with me? I have plenty of time yet today, so long as I can put my groceries away first, of course?" The man smiled politely, and puffed on his pipe absentmindedly. Bilbo wrinkled her nose. That was not the Longbottom leaf, that was a rather terrible smelling leaf.

"Very Lovely! But I have no time to share a cup of tea this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone." Bilbo paled, and unconsciously took a step back.

"I do apologize sir, but you will be very hard pressed to find anyone to share an adventure with you. People here do believe such things as nasty and dirty, which make you late for dinner, or worse- second breakfast!" At this statement, the man raised a brow disapprovingly and puffed on his pipe. Bilbo added hurriedly to her conservation, not wanting to be lumped in with someone who would automatically frown upon another's activities.

"I, do apologize, but, if you would like, I could direct you someone over The Hill, or across The Water." she paused for a moment. "Good Morning. I do wish you luck on your adventure sir." At this point. She hoped dearly the conversation was at its end. The man let out a hearty chuckle.

"To think I would be good morninged by Belladonna Took's daughter!" Bilbo paused, how on earth had this Man known her mother?

"I do apologize, dear sir, but do I know you?"

"Yes, yes, my dear- and I do know your name, Miss Bilbo Baggins. And you do know my name, though you do not remember that I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me!" Bilbo smiled, her mother did so love telling many a story of Gandalf- the man who had not been down to under-hill since Bilbo's grandfather, the Old Took had died.

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered? Not the fellow who convinced my mother to go on many an adventure? Not the wandering wizard who had such lovely fireworks Old Took was so fond of? Bless me, life used to be so interesting." She paused. "Forgive me for saying so, but I had no idea you still were in business."

"Where else should I be?" Said the wizard. "All the same, I am pleased to find you remember my fireworks kindly, and at any rate, and that is not without hope." The wizard paused, obviously pondering something. "Well, I suppose I will give you what you have asked for." Bilbo looked back aghast. She hadn't asked for anything! Nothing at all, and she told the wizard that.

"Yes you have! In fact I will send you on this adventure, it will be very amusing for me and very profitable for you." the wizard paused here again, and muttered something that sounded awfully like 'If you survive that is.' Bilbo gulped and took a step back. While she might not hate adventures as much as it seemed, she certainly could not leave the Shire defenseless if another fell winter came by.

"Oh, dear me, no Gandalf! I do apologize, but there shall be no such adventures here, thank you! Good morning!" and with that Bilbo hid away into her hole, and leant her head against the door.

"What on earth am I going to do?" She asked herself.

…..