The next few days on Voyager were surreal for Kathryn. The men were still in stasis. The ship was advancing quickly, as the alliance with the K'Terrans had originally intended. There was little to accomplish, few distractions, and all she could do was watch Gretchen from a distance and hope she'd be okay.
The rejection and isolation hurt, but Kathryn was trying, pushing herself forward through sheer willpower, knowing she absolutely could not allow herself to become despondent and useless. The ship still needed its Captain, and Gretchen deserved not to feel guilty about her actions. Gretchen deserved her chance to be free of her mother and her expectations, as much as that was possible on Voyager.
At the end of the trying week, Kathryn again found herself holed up in her Quarters, trying to write the original Gretchen Janeway.
Kathryn sighed deeply as she began.
Dear Mom,
She began hopelessly.
I have no idea when or if you will ever get this.
I'm tired of talking to people who can't talk back….but what am I supposed to do?...I'm the Captain, I can't make new friends out here…I can't be too chummy with the crew...most of my senior staff is gone…the people I rely on to help me with decisions and just plain support, Tuvok and Chakotay especially...
Dear Lord, I wish I could speak with Chakotay.
Kathryn put one hand to her head and slumped in the chair.
Not that I wouldn't like to speak to Tuvok but...I'm not sure how much help he would be with this and...
Chakotay loves Kathryn, and right now I'm not sure she's someone worth being.
Kathryn sighed again, painfully.
She stared at the datapad for long moments, almost frozen, and then shook her head violently.
I can't afford to let things go on like this with me. There's no Chakotay to drag me out of it if I lock myself in my Quarters again like I did in The Void.
What can I do?…..thought Kathryn, wracking her brain for any ideas, no matter how weak.
I suppose I could visit the men in Sickbay, she thought to herself. I've avoided it before. It's a hard thing to do but...just maybe being near them would help.
"Captain," said the Doctor's concerned voice as she entered Sickbay, "Do you need something?"
"I'm just visiting," said Kathryn, "I'd like to be alone if you don't have anything pressing."
Come to think of it maybe I should talk to the Doctor. I'm not sure I'm up for it right now though.
How do you explain feelings like this to someone who isn't human?
"Oh," said the Doctor, "You're actually my second visitor. Would you like me to ask her to leave?"
"No, of course not," said Kathryn, immediately entering Captain mode, "I wouldn't push out a member of my crew. I'll come back later."
As Kathryn started to turn the Doctor spoke again, "It's actually Soeur," he admitted awkwardly, "You remember giving permission for that."
Janeway blinked for a moment.
I do, in fact. I had better say hello briefly, she's probably heard our discussion perfectly.
And it couldn't hurt to check on her, since I'm here.
"Hello Captain," came a saddened voice, from the back of Sickbay, "I'm here."
Kathryn nodded at the Doctor, and headed to where Sickbay's morgue was located.
"Hello Soeur," said Kathryn as the K'Terran leader came into view. The blue alien was bent over a dias with a clear container on top of it that resembled a large petri dish. It was filled with a deep red blood, slightly too purple to be human.
Soeur seemed transfixed by the substance. Her entire body was hunched over it, shoulders slumped inwards, as if defeated.
Kathryn debated if she should put her hand on the K'Terran, as she would do for a crewmate. She did not know if Soeur would welcome the touch or not.
"I'm sorry Soeur," said Kathryn, coming closer, but not touching the woman. She tried to put all her feeling into her voice, remembering the K'Terran's excellent hearing, "Is there anything we can do?"
"No Captain," said Soeur, rather numbly, "There's nothing to be done."
"I am speaking with my sister," said the K'Terran, very sadly, "As much as it is possible."
"You can talk with her?" said Kathryn in shock, before she could stop herself.
"No Captain," said Soeur, shaking her head, "Her blood speaks to us…..it makes noises, words, phrases, as if a recording...But it will never truly speak again...and certainly it cannot hear us…...We cannot alter its sounds….no matter what we do…..it will continue indefinitely, varying a little...but with no real change…..doomed to repeat, echo itself forever..."
"You make it sound as if she's trapped like that," breathed Kathryn, in sudden horror.
"Yes," said Soeur, looking at her intently, with pained eyes, "We thought we could spare her the curse, but we cannot...Her mother's voice condemns her…..it repeats again and again, rising and rising, screaming and screeching, as it did as Shimai died…..as she joined with it, condemning herself…..they are one now…..the condemnation and the curse…..it is all that is left of her."
Kathryn stepped back unwittingly, and gulped very hard.
"What do you mean her mother's voice?" Kathryn gasped as an eerie feeling seized her chest, "Is that the self-destruct mechanism you spoke of? How your species can end their lives with no weapon? How Shimai committed suicide?"
Kathryn stared at the K'Terran with wide eyes, breathing out painfully.
I need to stop asking questions, I'm hurting Soeur, thought Kathryn, inhaling and clenching her fist.
"You are not hurting us Captain," said Soeur gently, answering the thought in her breath, "No question of yours could be more painful than what we already know."
"Yes," continued the K'Terran, holding her stunned gaze, "All K'Terrans….all Jen Hadar have a …..we understand you have no word for it," said Soeur slowly, "We have a voice in our minds, a part of our mother is with us…..even if we did not know her. For our species our mothers are not only a part of our memories but a part of our instincts, part of our nervous system…..we pass our voice down to our children…..it is a great benefit but….. this voice can be activated, angered….."
Kathryn gasped again.
"All K'Terrans can perform the Song of Glass, but Shimai was exceptionally skilled. It is how we destroyed the Jen Hadar ships, with her power amplified by our weapons, the crew lost all will to fight, they wished to die and so we easily destroyed them….And," said Soeur, very gently, "It is how Shimai controlled and attacked your crew members…..they are not our species but...she learned the tenor of their minds and channeled their anger and despair,...though with humans her power seems to have been limited to those with…..certain hardships with their mother's memory."
Kathryn grimaced, though she had known as much.
"So Shimai used that power against herself?"
"Yes," said Soeur sadly, "She raised a curse against herself. Now she shall never say anything else."
They stood alone, staring at the blood for long moments, Kathryn trying to think of something to say.
"My crew is angry and sad, as I am angry and sad," said Soeur mournfully, breaking the silence, "I do not know how to help them…Sisters should not betray each other….." she breathed in deeply, "They should not have had to face her death…It is my duty to help them…..and I do not know how."
"I don't know what to say," said Kathryn gently, "Except that they'll follow your example."
Soeur is a Captain too.
And that means something, thought Kathryn, squaring her shoulders.
"If you're hopeless, if you're overwhelmed, if you let this defeat you, it'll defeat them too," said Kathryn softly, solemnly, "You have to lead them in the direction you hope they'll go."
"I hope that they will realize how foolish Shimai was," said Soeur suddenly, violently, "What difference does it make if our species lives another 100,000 years, if we have no beliefs, no honor, no goodness? I am just as pleased to be K'Terran as I was the day I realized what it meant," she continued, turning to Janeway with a fierceness Kathryn had never seen from her before, "I am just as proud to stand with my sisters now and say that we shall be the last, we who stand for the honor and dignity of all females everywhere."
In her place I think I'd feel much the same.
"Let them hear that Soeur," said Kathryn fervently, "Let them hear that, and they'll remember who they are. They'll fight their fear, and their grief. Let them hear their Captain lead."
Soeur was quiet for a long moment, and Kathryn lifted her hand up, and placed it on the K'Terran's blue shoulder.
Soeur looked at it, and smiled with her four lips.
"When we go back," said Soeur, suddenly perking up, "I believe we shall take the fight to the Jen Hadar. Let us see if there are species who shall partner with us. Perhaps we can do more than warn their victims."
"I'm sure there will be," said Kathryn, nodding eagerly and squeezing her shoulder, "I'm sure there will be allies to fight with you. If you need to leave Voyager early….."
"No Captain," said Soeur, shaking her head, "We made a alliance and we shall see it through. Besides, a few months seems very short to our species. And we may learn much more from you before it is over. We shall take you as far as we can."
"Thank you Soeur," said Kathryn, suddenly feeling, for the first time in years, that she had a fellow Captain to rely on.
Kathryn stayed with the woman until the K'Terran finished her daily vigil. Then Kathryn moved one of Sickbay's uncomfortable chairs over to Chakotay's pod to sit next to it.