Last time I was here, thought Kathryn as she sat in Sickbay among the coffin shaped pods, B'Elanna and Gretchen were lying there, and I didn't know if either of them would ever wake up.
I didn't know if Voyager would escape the Jen Hadar.
Things are so much better than they were, thought Kathryn sighing, Why do they feel they're just as bad?
Maybe because I'm still missing half my crew, she answered herself.
Out of her peripheral vision, Kathryn saw the Doctor leaving Sickbay, as she had requested earlier.
There was an eerie silence as the doors slid closed behind him.
She stared at her First Officer's enclosed pod for a long time, wondering what to say. It was the first time she had truly visited any of them, and it hurt to think of them lying, inert and cold, as if lifeless.
"Well, Chakotay," said Kathryn slowly, in a quiet voice, "It looks like it's going to be longer than we expected before we can end the stasis. I know you have no way of knowing this….or at least I don't think you do but, we weren't going at the pace we thought..."
Kathryn's voice turned reluctant and she sighed, "It's been three months. We should be halfway through the stasis but...we've hardly gone faster than warp speed for any of that time...Now that we are, there are challenges with the amount of gas left, B'Elanna is bound and determined to get every last light year out of it…it looks like it's going to be another six months."
Kathryn flinched.
"I know," said Kathryn, as if Chakotay could hear her, "It's disappointing….to say the least."
"Here I thought," continued Kathryn, and her voice broke, "That we were through the worst…..over the hump as they say…and it's going to be twice as long as it's already been…another six months."
The woman's shoulders hunched and she fiddled with her hands, sighing exhaustedly.
She pushed herself to get through the next few words, shame filling her stomach.
"And...Gretchen's not speaking to me….well, that's not quite right…..," Kathryn corrected herself, "She's cut me off, any personal relationship...she's realized, I've realized, I'm only one person. I am her mother..."
Kathryn was silent for a long time, and then breathed in deeply.
"She's kept up with her reports and everything, you would be proud….."
She smiled slightly at the thought, "She's in charge of a section now, our lead diplomat….."
"She's done so well…..," Kathryn continued, "She's changed so much since she came here a year ago…..I'm really proud of her."
"I'm really proud of her for telling me off too," said Kathryn, settling her hands in her lap, "It wasn't pleasant, that's an understatement but…..it was the right thing to do…..that's what every parent wants, for their child to stand on their own two feet, unafraid, determined, strong."
"I'm just…..I'm scared Chakotay," she admitted softly, wiping one hand across her face and sniffling, "We're so alike…..and she's nearly alone…another six months….I'm afraid one or both of us will be in desperate straits by then…I deserve whatever I get but…she doesn't and…..isolated, bored…..the year's up on her probation…..I can't watch over her now….."
"I wish I knew what to do Chakotay," she said finally, simply.
"I just wish I knew what to do."
Kathryn breathed in and out deeply, trying to calm down, and think.
It was illogical, but she did feel a little better, a little more herself sitting next to her First Officer.
You're a problem solver Kathryn, she said to herself, but the tone was almost Chakotay's, Surely you can think of something. You're the Captain.
I am, aren't I? thought the woman, shoulders straightening instinctively, I may be a disinherited mother, but I'm still Gretchen's Captain.
She remembered her earlier advice to Soeur.
It's your job to set an example.
Kathryn winced at the fallout of that statement.
It's not fair Chakotay, she whined in her head, Setting an example for Gretchen means facing everything I've ever run from in myself.
Nevertheless, Kathryn breathed in deeply, standing up and putting one hand on Chakotay's pod, where his shoulder would be.
"Alright," she said out loud, "Alright. I know what to do Chakotay. Don't let it be said I drew back when I knew the way forward."
"I miss you," she said suddenly, staring at his pod, as she turned to leave.
"I miss you all," she said softly, staring at her crew.
As she looked the pods no longer seemed like coffins, only the harmless, temporary medical beds that they were.
Let's see, thought Janeway to herself, pacing in her Quarters with a cup of coffee, invigorated now that she had something to do.
My main concerns about Gretchen are that her depression will come back, that she'll hide it until it's too late, and that she'll isolate herself from her fellow crew members.
I wish she hadn't hid the whole funeral issue until she was absolutely desperate…..maybe she could've been helped much earlier.
She's just like B'Elanna...and someone else I won't mention...
Why couldn't she have taken after her father?
Kathryn sighed to herself, resting one head in her hand and thinking further.
Tuvok, Chakotay, Tom, and Harry are all still asleep…
And now she won't come to me either if she needs something.
Who does that leave?
She thought for a long moment, staring out the window.
…The Doctor, of course…I don't know that she'll be congenial about checking in now, or being honest about it but…if I'm leading by example…
Kathryn winced, I hate Sickbay…..I hate being checked over like a science experiment…..I hate worse the idea of someone evaluating my mind….
If I hadn't given this despair to her…if I hadn't gotten it in my blood….
Kathryn shook her head, forcibly changing the course of her thoughts.
Both of our prides could've been saved I guess…..but what's pride really?...In comparison to life….
Kathryn sighed.
Alright well, we don't have a counselor…..though I suppose a holographic one isn't impossible….I'm a little bit nervous to trust our mental well-being to a new program but…if the Doctor oversees it.
Well…..I'll give Gretchen a choice, and consult with the Doctor…..but I will expect her to check in at least monthly…be evaluated for signs of depression.
And I'll do the same myself.
Damn.
Well, there's nothing for it. The Void shows I have a clear history…..and this is much the same situation.
…Not to mention...well, I don't have to think about that at least...She pushed the final thought away.
Moving on, we're facing the isolation issue…I'll just have to watch, and see what B'Elanna says….
Maybe I don't have to guide her with that...she shirked for a moment.
No, thought Kathryn, putting her hands on her hips, as if giving a lecture, I made this deal with myself. I will lead by example. She needs it...and I do too. I can't become isolated and closed off. That's not what a good Captain does. This crew needs me, with Chakotay gone, they need me to be closer and...
I need people…I need this crew…just like Gretchen does.
Even though it hurts….
Kathryn winced, but picked up a datapad, and started making an outline.
We ought to finish the Velocity tournament. That will get everyone involved and talking and...What about a Captain's Table? There are literally members of this crew I have never had an actual conversation with.
The days after her confrontation with her mother passed quicker than Gretchen thought that they would. It was an odd thing.
She felt everything new and raw, as if a scab had been pulled off of healing skin. Her emotions were somehow deeper. She laughed louder, found herself wiping away tears suddenly, even on her shifts, and had to push down a quick ferocious temper at the slightest of inconveniences.
Still, she felt free.
Over two weeks had passed, and despite one incident where she and B'Elanna had nearly come to blows with each other, it had all gone well. The Captain was giving her her space. She barely saw the woman except for the occasion staff meeting or hallway pass.
She had received an order, given to her by the Doctor, to check in for a mental evaluation at least once a month.
Considering she was still having visions and on a brain damaging herb, Gretchen thought it was perfectly reasonable, and was debating whether she wanted to try holographic counseling.
It's all going better than I would've imagined, thought Gretchen to herself as she finished up another Engineering shift. As she closed her last panel, Naomi Wildman exited the turbolift, having finished up her schooling for the day. The girl had a sour look on her face. She was being banned from Engineering again, starting tomorrow. B'Elanna's tests to extend the use of the Esoterian Gas were too dangerous for a young child to be around...not even a young child whose only parent was working there…..and who had no babysitter, and no playmates.
Gretchen's heart wrung at her worn face. The tiny girl was losing patience with the habitual bannings. She had already been restricted from Engineering during the installation of the second gas core, and before that during the murder investigation. Her mother, Samantha Wildman, would be working overtime again, and with Neelix still asleep, the girl would be left alone for most of the day.
"Hey Naomi," called Gretchen, "Do you want me to braid your hair?"
The girl nodded, though she did not perk up as she usually did.
Gretchen sat down on the Engineering floor and Naomi moved to sit on her lap.
Gretchen reached up for the girl's red hair, determined to do an extra special braid today.
"It's so boring with everyone working," pined Naomi after a long moment, clearly upset, "There's never anyone to play with me anymore."
Gretchen thought for a moment, "I hope it gets better," she said softly, beginning to stroke through and divide Naomi's hair.
B'Elanna's just starting with these tests, there's no way the bannings are going to stop.
"But everyone needs something just by themselves that they can do," continued Gretchen, thinking, "Something that brings them joy. Harry plays the clarinet. The Doctor sings opera. You're not too young."
"Did you have something like that when you were my age?" asked Naomi, looking up at her.
"I…." said Gretchen, taken by surprise, "When I was your age I liked to dance. I stopped for awhile, but when I took it back up I was glad I did. I never stopped loving it."
"Why'd you stop if you loved it?" asked Naomi.
"I….." Gretchen, breathed in, uncertain what to say to Naomi's innocent, open face, "My mother thought I'd outgrown it…I didn't have the courage to tell her how much I loved it."
I wasn't very honest about my feelings then...and not for the last time.
"But dance is wonderful," Gretchen added, looking at Naomi, making her voice cheerful, "And I'll never outgrow it."
"Would you teach me?" asked Naomi, suddenly excited, crestfallen look gone.
"I…"
Gretchen thought for a moment, staring at Naomi's face again.
"….okay, Naomi, if your mom says okay, I will," said Gretchen, a bit uncertainly, making her voice more cheerful as she went on.
"Mom!" said Naomi, suddenly springing up, and running to Sam who happened to be rounding the corner.
"Gretchen's going to teach me how to dance! Can I do it? It's not for anything, like Velocity, but it'd be good exercise and maybe educational and….."
"Alright honey," said Sam, patting her head, "You don't have to plead. I think that's great. I remember going to all of my sisters' recitals growing up. They looked like so much fun."
"What's a recital?" asked Naomi.
"It's like a dance performance for friends and family," said Gretchen, walking closer and answering Naomi, "Did you dance too Sam?" asked Gretchen.
"No," said Samantha, turning to Gretchen, "I was too shy."
"Mom, Mom!" said Naomi suddenly, jumping up and down in excitement and grabbing Sam's arm, gasping in joy, "You could take lessons with me."
Sam glanced at her and Gretchen knew her feelings were unwillingly showing on her face because Sam looked at her daughter and spoke gently but correctively, "Naomi, you can't invite people to Gretchen's dance lessons. Teaching an adult is probably hard, and a lot different. I'm sure I'd be an awful student anyway," said Sam, turning toward Gretchen and smiling gently.
"You'd be great, mom!" shouted Naomi, "And Gretchen, you'd be great, and..."
"Naomi," said Sam softly, "It's rude to insist."
Naomi bit her lip and frowned and Gretchen spoke, almost against her will, "I'll look into it Naomi."
Gretchen's shift was over and she made her polite excuses.
Suddenly everything hurt.