On the last fake episode of Resident Alien...
DOCTORS OFFICE
HARRY:
'Here, give this cooler to Liv. It isn't mine.'
Harry hands the red and white cooler to Mike without looking inside of it.
MIKE:
'Are you sure? Why Liv?'
HARRY:
'I'd never use it and it is better than her drink bucket.'
As the truck turns and hits a bump the contents of the cooler fall out.
SHERIFFS OFFICE
MIKE:
'Good morning. I see you've already had your morning coffee. I'm coming back from Dr. V's office.'
LIV:
'Oh no, how is your father doing?'
MIKE:
'He's doing great. He has a follow-up appointment next week.'
'No I was just dropping off a box of the things Harry left at the cabin. Did you know he was missing his cell phone? I tried to call him and tell him to come here and the box started ringing.'
'Which reminds me, he gave me a present for you! I left it in the truck.'
Mike throws Liv the keys and she hopelessly drops them.
LIV:
'You know I never can catch those. Why do you keep doing that?'
MIKE:
'That's only because we don't practice enough. You're getting better. I can see it.'
LIV:
'What is the present? Is it like a live cougar?'
MIKE:
'Live cougar from Dr. V? Would I do that to you?'
LIV:
'I don't know. Somethings it sort of feels like you would.'
MIKE:
'It's a cooler for you to put your drinks in. He said it was better than using my bucket. I figure if you keep ice in it I can use it too.'
LIV:
'So it's full of drinks now?'
MIKE:
'No. Didn't look. Felt pretty damn empty to me.'
Liv walks out and opens the hatch of the truck. A bottle falls out onto the ground and she picks it up to see the Botulinum Toxin label. Her eyes widen and she looks around to see if anyone is watching, and no one is.
Then she grabs an empty bag of Funyans to return everything to the cooler, making certain she didn't miss one and marches inside. When inside she empties the contents into a kitchen trash bag, adds ice to the cooler and places the cooler in her desk and the bag in her desk.
MIKE:
'Now you don't have to go around using my bucket all of the time.'
LIV:
'I don't bring drinks to work.'
MIKE:
'That's okay. You can have one of mine.'
Mike adds a few cans to the cooler.
MIKE:
'Now that's what I can ready for a stake out. We are fully equipped.'
LIV:
'Fully equipped is right.'
Liv looks to the distance and rolls her eyes and then looks down at the evidence she found.
DOCTORS OFFICE
Andy is practicing his lines as Asta enters the room.
ANDY:
'Kaboom extinguishers has been located in the heart of Patience for 89 years...'
HARRY:
'No, say it a little happier. Prouder. You are so close!'
ASTA:
'Jesus Harry, you go from training one Andy to training another. You have a patient in the examination room. Hurry up. You are on-call this afternoon.'
Asta hands Harry the patient's file.
HARRY:
'Right, you keep practicing. I know you are going to get it! I'll be right back.'
ANDY:
'I don't know. Are you sure it's good?'
HARRY:
'It is so good. Trust me! Soon everyone will know you as the commercial voice of WWAD AM radio. You just need a little confidence, that's all.'
ANDY:
'It just seems like I should meet the other Andy. You know, get to know his drive. Find the soul of the man. It would really help. I feel half-baked.'
'Maybe I should go next week instead.'
HARRY:
'Today! They are expecting you this morning!'
'I watched the other Andy try to squeeze an entire tube of toothpaste into his eardrum...just for fun.'
'He was an imbecile! All he could do was sing. He couldn't even read! Imagine him with a script.'
'You can do this! Just shine that never-ending smile. Trust me, you are a better.'
Harry leaves to visit the examination room and Andy resumes practicing his lines.
CO STATE POLICE CONFERENCE ROOM
A photo of Harry is projected onto a screen.
CO STATE POLICE CHEIF
'Harry Pyle Vanderspeigle. We found him through a routine research analysis. He must detain him without bodily damage.'
'This medical subject decided out of the blue to just leave New York and hide out in a cabin. That was seven months ago. Since that time, two severed feet from the doctor have been found, though he remains unharmed. There is not military history of him visiting any of our bases, so whatever kind of soldier he is planning to create, the US of A is not in the loop.'
'Last night some of our top men did an all night stake out on his cabin only to find another family has already moved in. He is just as fast as he is clever. I propose we put out an APB on him effective immediately. Are there any objections?'
SUBORDINATE:
'I will do it right away Chief.'
CO STATE POLICE CHEIF
'I don't know what he thinks he's up to, but he certainly picked the wrong state to do it in.'
The camera zooms in on Harry's projected face and turns to black.
WWAD RADIO STATION:
The radio station manager and sound engineer welcomes Andy as he walks into the studio. He looks at the application to learn Andy's name.
MATT:
'Hi Andy, thank you so much for filling out the paperwork. It's a payment formality. I need you to stand right here and read these tag lines.'
Andy reads the lines in his mimicking voice perfectly. The station manager gives him additional pages says 'with energy'. He reads them, and remember to smile big after each line.
MATT:
'Wow, you certainly are a professional. And talk about a golden voice! Thank you for coming in! I'll be in touch. It will probably be about a month.'
ANDY:
'A month to know if I got the job?'
Matt laughs.
MATT:
'I didn't expect you to be funny too. Our ad cycle is about a month. We did have a time when the fish house had a next day ad sale when their freezer broke, but we will call you.'
ANDY:
'So, I get paid?'
Matt and the sound engineer laugh again.
MATT:
'My daughter is cutting a check for you up front right now. You know what, all five of us are going to the Sunday Night karaoke at 'Whispers' on Sunday. That 'online comedy club' idea never caught on...so karaoke. I'm not good, but drinks on us.'
Andy genuinely smiles as he picks up his check and walks out to see a decent size check.
SHERIFFS OFFICE
Mike and Liv are having lunch.
MIKE:
'They can say whatever they want, but I know Cletus could take out any of those police trained German Shepherds. It's all in the breeding.'
Liv nods in agreement as Mike goes to take another can from the cooler.
LIV:
'Quite the stake out we're having here.'
MIKE:
'In a few hours we might need more ice.'
Liv gets a text on her phone.
LIV:
'Hey, the CO State Police just put out an APB for Harry!'
MIKE:
'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'
LIV:
'We've got to find Harry before they do!'
MIKE:
'Let's go!'
Fast paced action music plays as they race to the clinic with their sirens on. A CO state police car is already in the parking lot.
MIKE:
'Dammit, they got here before us!'
They rush inside and run passed Jay at the front desk who jumps up as they run passed her.
MIKE:
'Open up!'
Mike bangs on the office door. Hearing a struggle, Mike pulls his gun and knocks down the door to find Andy having sex with his wife.
ANDY:
'What? Lot's of people have sex at work.'
TOWN BANK
Harry and Asta are waiting at a desk at the bank. An account manager arrives hurriedly to her desk and greets them.
CHERYL:
'Thank you so much for waiting. I'm Cheryl Briggs. How can I help you?'
HARRY:
'I am here to get my money.'
Cheryl looks to her computer to look up his account.
CHERYL:
'Your account number is?'
ASTA:
'He doesn't have an account here.'
Cheryl looks puzzled as Asta explains.
ASTA:
'I am here to help him.'
Cheryl looks at Harry who is smiling and decides Asta is helping someone in need of special assistance.
CHERYL:
'Right.'
She changes her style to a friendlier tone.
'Well if you can maintain a balance of at least $100 you can get free checking. I do that for lots of young families. I just need your drivers license...or identification.'
Harry places his license on her desk as Cheryl reaches into her desk and pulls out a book of stickers with crayon-drawn happy faces that say 'Town Bank #1'.
'You even get this sticker! If you scratch it it smells like strawberries!'
Harry smiles in approval and she places the sticker on his shirt.
CHERYL:
'So the going to be a joint account?'
ASTA:
'No, we are not married.'
HARRY:
'She is only here to help me.'
CHERYL:
'This says your address is in New York. Is that the correct address.'
HARRY:
'No, I moved. I live here now.'
CHERYL
'And what is your new address?'
ASTA
'He doesn't have one yet.'
CHERYL
'Right...'
'Well you have to have an address to have an account.'
ASTA
'Use my address...or can he just have his balance from his old bank wired here?'
Asta pulls out his bank ATM card and her license and hands it to her.
CHERYL
'I can run an approval request for his amount. How much money should we request to transfer?'
HARRY
'One hundred... no, three hundred!'
CHERYL
'Right, $300.'
'You know, you could withdraw that amount from our ATM outside...but I will be happy to check here as a courtesy.'
Cheryl and Harry exchange fake smiles as Cheryl types in the amount and runs the request and gets a failure code.
CHERYL
'I'm sorry, but you account has a warning flag I've never seen before. Please wait right here! I'll be right back.'
Asta looks at Harry uncomfortably.
Cheryl takes both drivers licenses and the bank card into the account managers office who seems surprised by her visit. They both look at Harry and Asta through the office window like they are criminals while the branch manager frantically picks up the phone.
HARRY:
'I like her. She is nice. She gave me a sticker. Do you want a sticker?'
ASTA:
Not worried about getting a sticker, she agrees.
'Sure, but something is wrong! This is not normal Harry... There is a problem.'
Asta's phone rings and she answers a frantic call from Jay.
ASTA:
'Jay, calm down. Calm down. Yes, I am with Harry. What is the problem?
JAY:
'It's the police. They just came running into the office looking for Harry!'
MIKE:
'Give me that! Listen Asta, we need to protect Harry before the State police locate him. Where are you? We'll met you there.'
ASTA:
'We're at the Town Bank.'
MIKE:
'Stay put. We'll be there in a few minutes.'
Asta hangs up the phone and looks at Harry.
ASTA:
'That was the sheriff. He is going to come get us before the Colorado State Police do. They have a warrant out for your arrest.'
Harry begins to stand up.
HARRY:
'Should we wait here or by the door?'
As they both begin to stand the branch manager runs out of the office. (Perhaps he looks and acts like the transactional Don Drysdale from the Beverly Hillbillies.)
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Wait, please don't go!'
HARRY:
'I am sorry. The police are coming.'
The branch manager looks at Cheryl thinking she may have done something wrong.
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Why, we've done nothing wrong. Please stay.'
HARRY:
'No, they are coming for me. I must do my banking at another time.'
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Listen Mr. Vanderspeigle. I wanted to thank you for your patience with our new banking specialist.'
CHERYL:
'I've been at that desk doing the same job for seven years!'
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Your bank accounts were all frozen due to your divorce being finalized yesterday. With that said, I am assured that your checking account can be transferred within the hour.'
'Your checking account balance will be two hundred seventy four thousand dollars and ten cents.'
Cheryl's eye widen in disbelief.
BRANCH MANAGER:
'If you can just sign this form here we can work out all these other little details.'
Harry signs the form standing in front of the desk as Mike and Liv enter the bank. After he signs the form Mike cuffed Harry's hands behind his back.
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Wait, before you leave. Your licenses and bank card.'
Liv starts to handcuff Asta, who asks 'Really, me too?' as Deputy Liv nods her head yes. Harry and Asta are still standing at the desk, now both in handcuffs.
HARRY:
'Okay, well I guess my business here is done.'
BRANCH MANAGER:
'You're ATM card will come in the mail in 3 to 5 days...or you can come by whenever you're free.'
The branch manager sees the childish sticker and removes the silly sticker from his chest.
HARRY:
'Hey, my sticker. I want my sticker!'
The branch manager looks at the sheriff and jumps to return the sticker before the officer takes him away.
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Of course Mr. Vanderspeigle. Of course. Whatever you say! Now have a pleasant day and thank you for visiting Town Bank.'
HARRY:
'Asta wants a sticker too!"
BRANCH MANAGER:
'Of course! Of course!'
Sheriff Mike and Deputy Liv wait as the branch manager places a sticker on Asta as well. Then Harry and Asta are marched through the bank lobby on their way to jail as everyone in the bank watches in shock. Asta calmly looks back at the them.
ASTA:
'Don't worry. This is just a formality. Not a problem.'
THE 59 BAR
Darcy is behind the bar at the 59 when the phone rings and she answers it.
DARCY:
'The 59. I may be magical, but I can't conjure a drink to your house.'
ASTA:
'Hi Darce...I've already called my dad but I wanted you to know that Harry and I are helping the police with an investigation at the station. We are not arrested. Listen, I gotta go now. Talk more tomorrow.'
The camera pans out from Asta to show that she and Harry are both placed in the same cell.
HARRY:
'Why do we have to be in the jail cells?'
LIV:
'Don't worry. Sheriff Mike is working it out. Until then Dr. V, sometimes the most clever decision is to show weakness.'
Harry considers these words of wisdom and wonders what Liv knows. Mike then returns to the cell.
MIKE:
'Okay Doc. The state police are considering you a 'medical subject'. It's time to have that come to Jesus moment.'
HARRY:
'They have the wrong guy.'
MIKE:
'No Harry, you had better start speaking truth to power. Look, I want to protect you, but I must understand what is going on.'
HARRY:
'They said medical subject?'
MIKE:
'Now why would they say that?'
'Tell me doc. You have a giant brain and a great gig in New York. Why Patience? What are you hiding from.'
HARRY:
'I made myself a test subject in my medical study. I altered my DNA and can regrow limbs. Now they are after me to create the perfect soldier.'
Liv looks saddened by this bullshit answer.
MIKE:
'So if they capture you then you will have to help them. Is that it?'
HARRY:
'No, I will be a lab experiment for the rest of my life.'
'I cannot reproduce my results, but they don't believe me. They keep cutting off my limbs to torture me to tell them, but I've already told them everything.'
'I think I am safe hiding here in Patience. I am sorry that I didn't get rid of the feet better.'
MIKE:
'Well, we are going to wait this one out tonight. You stay here. It seems like some lab nerd raised some interest with the CO state police. I told him it was your twin brother and they are removing the warrant now.'
'Tomorrow I can return you to your cabin. They left a day early. The kid somehow lodged a crayon up her nose.'
LIV:
'Look, I have four seasons of Law and Order on DVD for you. I figured that would help you pass the time. We can even order pizza!'
Harry looks at the DVD boxes like they are religious relics and nods in agreement.
CABIN THE NEXT MORNING
Harry enters the cabin carrying a box and a large duffle bag with Asta behind him.
ASTA:
'Awe. Does it feel like returning to home?'
HARRY:
'Shh... Someone's in the bedroom.'
Harry grabs a poker from the fireplace and finds Andy sleeping in a t-shirt in the bed. He looks up and sees Asta and Harry.
ANDY:
'Oh good! I've been waiting a few hours. How are you and Asta doing?'
HARRY:
'I thought you'd be with your wife? You should have everything you want.'
ANDY:
'My wife? I came here to warn you. They are about to send two archeologists to investigate this human threat phenomenon.'
HARRY:
'You can talk now?' (realizing he is actually talking to Alien Andy.)
ANDY:
'Well, it may have taken two days to travel, but for me it was two months. I have mastered every episode on Law and Order.'
HARRY:
'Thank you for the early warning. I will prepare for them as the reptilians appear to be closing in. When do you leave?'
ANDY:
'I was thinking a little office work, a couple more gravity naps and some pizza would be nice.'
The sound of a car door closing and someone shouting hello freezes them all in the bedroom.
HARRY:
'Asta, did you tell anyone we were going to be here?'
ASTA:
'No.'
Harry hands the poker to Andy and looks at both of them.
HARRY:
'Stay here!'
Andy lifts the poker above his head in case he needs to swat the next person through the door.
Real Andy walks in the door.
REAL ANDY:
'Hi Harry! How are you doing? I have another favor to ask.'
HARRY:
'Now is not a good time.'
REAL ANDY:
'Oh, but I'll be fast. I just need to talk to Andy.'
HARRY:
'He's not here anymore.'
Real Andy walks toward the bar and then sneaks passed Harry to the bedroom.
REAL ANDY:
'And yet here he is. Hey, you might want to lower that poker. It could hurt someone.'
'Well, lookie here!'
Andy sees his button-down birthday shirt draped over the chair.
REAL ANDY:
'It's my shirt. A few days ago it was 'not of this galaxy', and yet here it is!'
'I'll just change into this one and leave you mine, okay Andy?'
Alien Andy looks puzzled by being called Andy by Andy.
REAL ANDY:
'So, what are your plans tonight Andy?'
Real Andy turns to Harry and Asta to explain the situation.
'You see...the station manager has called me three times today about me joining them for karaoke tonight. It's not like I'm being paid anything. Sounds like a perfect night out for a guy who only sings, right?'
HARRY:
'You really want to send him in your place? He's half-baked1'
REAL ANDY:
'Why not?'
HARRY:
'We just spent the weekend in jail.'
REAL ANDY:
'Yeah, I hate that too.'
ALIEN ANDY:
'Will they also have pizza?'
REAL ANDY:
'Actually...I think they might.'
ALIEN ANDY:
'What about it Harry? Can I go please?'
HARRY:
'It sounds too dangerous for you to go by yourself.'
ASTA:
'So we go with him. Come on Harry. It sounds like fun.'
HARRY:
'We need to be safe. You sit with the man that gave you the business card. Do not act like we know you.'
ALIEN ANDY:
'10-4'
WHISPERS BAR
Matt, the WWAD station manager finishes singing a Willie Nelson song at the karaoke machine.
MATT:
'Well folks, if you didn't like that then you understand why we play the music at WWAD and don't make music. Welcome now it's our latest WWAD additional, he's a really funny guy! Andy get up here.'
Andy didn't expect to be called as he was enjoying his beer. He goes up on stage and stands nervous looking at the crowd with his hands down. Matt takes the song request card from his hand and makes it grasp the microphone.'
Andy stares that crowd and the lights awkwardly, and then produces a strange smile.
The guy at the back of the bar is heard faintly saying 'The card is blank. What is your song?'
Andy stares blankly a little at the audience as people begin to giggle.
ANDY:
'Why is that funny? You inferior human!'
Harry is concerned over what Andy just said. Realizing he may have said something unacceptable Andy smiles and people chuckle. Harry joins in and laughs.
ANDY:
'Wow, this is cool.'
Andy smiles oddly as he experiences the sound of his voice on a microphone.
ANDY:
'I am the voice of God! Obey me or be cast unto a lake of fire! That was awesome! Inferior humans!'
Andy starts smiling after every line he says.
'I am I being rewarded for this? No...I'm not. Okay.. inferior humans!'
'I am only here so that the other me can be with my wife. My wife is great. She knows that I am the very best at sex.'
The audience laughs.
'Why is that funny?'
'Inferior humans!'
audience laughs.
'What? You question the findings of my wife? Trust me, only she would know.'
Audience laughter increases.
'Inferior humans...'
Andy has won over the audience.
'The time I had sex I was so good.'
'Inferior humans!'
'Hey, only I know the truth... You human lifeforms are the ones that are so irrational.'
'Do you know a way to please the minds of humans? Play a song they like.'
'Do you know one way to upset the minds of humans? Play that same song four times in a row!'
'Inferior humans!'
'Hey, do not touch my drink. I have not finished that! My spaceship does not have this beer remedy.'
'Inferior humans...'
Andy motions for his drink and the waitress brings it to him on stage.
ANDY:
'Am I done? Yes, okay, great! Inferior humans!'
Andy gets off the stage as the crowd stands in applause. The camera pans away to show that a tripod camera was recording him.
REAL ANDYS BEDROOM
Andy and his wife are reading their tablets in bed.
ANDYS WIFE:
Hey Andy, when did you find time to do this?
Andy's wife shows Andy the viral YouTube of Andy doing stand up comedy. It is titled 'Inferior Humans' with a cover photo of Andy smiling strange.
She watches as the video plays.
ANDYS WIFE:
'Hey, this is funny! I didn't know you did stand-up comedy.'
ANDY:
'I do it for you baby!'
Andy knocks the tablet out of her hand and they begin to kiss as the episode ends.