A/N: I like to write adventure stories (The Vault, Dealing with a Devil). I like to write stupid stories (Here's Your One Chance, Fancy). Sometimes I write stupid adventure stories (Paradise Lust: Oceans of Passion). Consider what you are about to read as one of the stupidest. I was given a prompt by a reader, and since I don't want to place the blame on them for this, I will leave it to them to come forward and take responsibility. As it happened, I had a WIP called "Lorna's Terrible Dinner Party" and another called "Dumb Conversation" which I ended up taking pieces from for this story.

I thought about continuing this sitcom series, but I won't threaten you with that right now.

Accents have been exaggerated to an offensive degree.

Script Lingo:

V/O = voice over

INT = interior

On to the show!

A dark screen illuminates with the words: Everyone Loves Romy! in bold caps, sans serif. Jaunty theme music begins to play, interspersed with brief vignettes introducing the major characters and their character-defining antics. Rogue appears, catching the wreckage of a giant falling robot, and flinging it effortlessly away before striking a pose and flexing a bicep. 'Anna Marie LeBeau as Rogue' overlays the image. Then a clip of Rogue, looking annoyed while standing in a cluttered closet, loose playing cards raining down upon her head like confetti; Rogue, catching Gambit from a free-fall and gazing at him with an expression of: "You drive me crazy, but I love you, anyway." Next to appear is Gambit, hanging upside down from grappling gear in a darkened museum and grinning in a self-satisfied manner as he holds a glowing jewel. 'Remy LeBeau as Gambit' appears over the clip. Next is Gambit, admiring himself in a mirror with an expression of: "How you doin'?" before Rogue hits him with a pillow; Gambit, dramatically drawing Rogue into a deep embrace for a passionate kiss. As the cheerful music concludes, the married couple flop onto a couch together and three cats join them for a cuddle (à la the final moment of The Simpsons intro). The pair smile at one another before leaning forward to kiss. As they smooch, Gambit picks up the television remote and depresses the button, and the intro snaps to black as the music fades.

V/O: Everyone Loves Romy is filmed before a live studio audience.

Pilot Episode: Guess Who's BAMFing To Dinner?

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT: GAMBIT & ROGUE'S TRIBECA APARTMENT - EVENING

We open in the couple's apartment, and for a moment, the scene appears to be empty. We hear a clatter of cookware and the slamming of an oven door. Rogue appears from behind the kitchen counter [stage right], dressed in an apron worn over her yellow and green X-Men uniform. Her hair is in a ponytail and loose strands stick to her flushed face. She has been cooking, and the remnants of food preparation lay scattered over the countertops. Rogue straightens, and with a slight belch of black smoke, lifts a roasting pan from behind the counter. A very roasted roast lays like a giant charcoal briquette in the center of the silver pan.

Rogue

(looking at the roast with some dismay)
"Nothin' that can't be fixed with some gravy."
(she pauses and considers)
"A whole lotta gravy."

Behind her, there is a bubble and a hiss as the large pot on the stovetop boils over.

Rogue

(with alarm)
"The potatahs!"

Still holding the roasting pan, Rogue whirls and suddenly stumbles.

Rogue

(surprised)
"Whup!"

A small black cat goes shooting out from behind the kitchen counter. Rogue has tripped over Oliver, and Rogue abruptly disappears once again behind the counter with a loud thump and a clattering bang. The roast tumbles into view across the floor. The other two cats, Lucifer and Figaro, emerge to investigate this development. Rogue crawls out from behind the counter dragging the empty pan. Claiming the roast, she puts it back into the dish.

Rogue

(to the cats)
"You didn't see that."

[audience laughter]

As Rogue stands, Gambit enters through the front door of the apartment [stage left] talking on his phone. He mindlessly steps over a streaking Oliver without even looking where he's going.

Gambit

(on the phone)
"-Just a horrible smell in de outside hall. I think there might've been an electrical fire. You t'ink you can send someone up t'look at it?"

While Gambit is complaining to the building supervisor on his cellphone, he stops when he sees Rogue holding the roast.

Gambit

(cutting himself off)
"Oh...Nevermind. I just found the source of de smell. Sorry t'be a bother."

Rogue puts the roast down onto the countertop, clicks off the stovetop burner and pulls the large bubbling stockpot from the stove.

Rogue

(distracted and flustered)
"Good, you're home. Can you set the table?"

Gambit

(concerned)
"Wha-what's goin' on in here?"

Rogue

"Ah'm makin' Sunday supper."

Gambit

(long pause)
"...But it's Tuesday."

Rogue

(hedging)
"Ah wanted to surprise you."

Gambit

(suspicious)
"Why is it a surprise?"

Rogue

(in a practical manner)
"Because if ya knew Ah was cookin', ya wouldn't have shown up."

[audience laughs]

Gambit

"You don't gotta trick me inta eatin' your cookin'. Just point me to de hot sauce, and I can choke down just about anythin'."

Rogue looks up from peering into the stockpot, holding a spoon threateningly in one hand, and glares at him. Gambit holds up his hands defensively, in surrender.

Gambit

(with a sort of grimacing smile)
"You couldn't have surprised me with sexy lingerie instead?"

Rogue

"Not everything has ta be that kind of surprise, Remy. Now, listen here. We're gonna have a real nice, sit-down family-style meal."

Gambit

(approaching Rogue as if she were a rabid animal while extending a timid hand for the spoon)
"Why don't I finish up cookin' and you set the table?"

Rogue

"Ah'm perfectly capable of cookin'!"

Gambit

"I thought it was understood that your food makes for better ammunition than for a meal."

Rogue

(threateningly)
"Don't you dare blow up mah dinner."

Just then, the apartment intercom buzzes. Gambit looks at it, as if it might bite, and makes no attempt at answering it. Rogue stomps past him to the intercom and presses the button.

Rogue

(into the intercom)
"Y'all can come on up."

Gambit

(warily)
"Rogue. Who is dat?"

Rogue

"Family. For the family-style meal Ah've been slaving over."

Gambit

(worried)
"Family? Whose family?"

Rogue

"OUR family. We're married, remember?"

Rogue stalks back to the kitchen area. Gambit is hot on her heels.

Gambit

"Not Mystique? Not her, though, right? She don' count as family."

Rogue

(her tone is a warning)
"Remy…"

Gambit

(spazzing out)
"She's always out ta get me! Can't keep her hands off me! This might come as a shock, Rogue, but even I have some boundaries."

Rogue

"Things are different now. Raven's come 'round. And besides, she's not gonna jump your bones in our apartment."

Gambit

"Are you for serious? She's gonna be all over me like dirty on rice."

He mutters to himself, looking down at his clothes. He is wearing a half-unbuttoned button down shirt, and a pair of painted-on jeans.

Gambit

"I gotta go change."

Rogue

(exasperated)
"Why?"

Gambit

"I look too sexy. Can I wear that one sweatshirt 'a yours? From dat Avengers after-work function? De orange and pink number? That'll turn anyone off."

Rogue

"Ah'll have you know Ah love that sweatshirt. It's very comfy."

Gambit

"It's like anti-Viagra. It gives me an inverted boner."

There is a knock on the apartment door.

Gambit

(putting hands in his hair in an expression of panic)
"Oh, oh dieu…!"

Rogue

"Will ya quit bein' a coward and answer the door!"

Gambit tentatively approaches the door as if it might explode. He peers through the peephole. With an exaggerated sigh of relief he opens the door to reveal Nightcrawler.

[audience cheering]

Gambit

"Oh, merci le bon dieu, it's just you."

Nightcrawler

(formally)
"Guten abend, bruder."

Gambit

(speaking to Nightcrawler conspiratorially)
"Rogue cooked. I hope you're not too hungry. C'mon in."
(Walking away, talking to Rogue)
"For a second there, I thought you'd really invited Mystique."

Rogue

"She is my mother. Just like Jean-Luc is your father."

Gambit

"Not 'just' like. My father never propositioned you."

Rogue

"Oh, please. Like the thought never crossed his mind. And he's hardly a saint. The last time he was here, our roof ended up full of murderous thieves."

Gambit

"He was tryin' to warn me."

Rogue

"He was testing you, more like! Be nice if he'd show up one time and not have you jumpin' through hoops for whatever cockamamie Guild challenge he's thunk up!"

Gambit

"Well, lemme tell you. De last time Mystique was here, (ticking complaints off on his fingers) she insulted my housekeeping skills, smashed up my bedroom, then tried to smother me with tentacle arms!"

Mystique

"And left you the cats."

Gambit

(continuing his rant)
"-And left me the cats!"
(Gambit's eyes widen, startled, and he gives an exaggerated jump and flinging up of arms)
"Whu-aagh!?"

[audience laughter]

Without having moved from the front door and unbeknownst to Gambit, Nightcrawler transformed. Indigo fur became blue skin. Black hair became long and red. Gambit whirls, sees Mystique and screams. Leaping over the kitchen counter, he claims the pie sitting on the cooling rack and then aims as if to throw it.

Rogue

(commandingly)
"Put that down!"

Gambit

(to Mystique)
"Stay back, I'm armed with a deadly weapon!"

[audience laughs]

Rogue

(dryly)
"It's pecan."

[audience laughs]

Mystique

"I prefer apple."

Gambit

"Well it ain't peach, and I'm not afraid to use it."

The fat orange cat, Lucifer, approaches Mystique who bends to pick him up. She smiles at Gambit dangerously while stroking the cat.

Gambit

(accusingly, he points)
"She's taken Lucifer hostage!"

Rogue takes Gambit aside to lecture him, removing the pie from his hands.

Rogue

"In the spirit of family togetherness, can you please try to be nice? We've all put aside our differences. Amnesty, remember?"

Gambit

"Amnesty is not forgiveness! Or forgot-ness!"

Rogue

(knowingly being manipulative, she speaks slyly and smooths her hands down the front of his shirt)
"It's not like you to be inhospitable."

Gambit

(affronted, pouting)
"Do not insult my hospitality."

Rogue

(cajolingly, with a gentle hands rubbing the fronts of Gambit's shoulders)
"Then offer mama a beverage and an appetizer. Ah'm gonna to go change."

Gambit

(who had been allowing himself to be soothed, resumes his expression of alarm. pleadingly)
"Don't leave me with her. Whenever we're alone together, she tries to sexually abuse me!"

Rogue

(fed up)
"Ah'm sure you can manage to not be irresistible for at least the next ten minutes!"

Gambit

"You act like it's my fault! I'm serious! I didn't tell you about de time in Phoenix! She was twins. It was under false pretense! That's technically sexual assault in the state of Arizona."

Rogue

(dangerously)
"Twins...? Twins?"

Gambit

(with emphatic desperation)
"You and me weren't together! We. Were. On. A. BREAK!"

Rogue

(flinging her hands into the air and rolling her eyes)
"Just-just be entertaining. Ah'll be back in two shakes."

Rogue departs for the bedroom, closing the door firmly behind her. Slowly, with dread, Gambit turns to look at his mother-in-law. They stare at one another.

Mystique

(cooly)
"There was a mention of beverages and appetizers."

Gambit

(turning to the covered platter on the counter)
"Let me find somethin' to keep your bouche amused, then. What've we got here?"

Mystique and Gambit stand and peer at the contents of the plate Gambit has just uncovered.

Gambit

"Qu'est-ce de hell is dis?"

Mystique

"I believe they are meant to be 'Devils on Horseback.'"

Gambit

"Looks like de Devil's horse crap."

Mystique

(agreeing)
"From a very tiny, very lame horse."

Gambit

(accusingly)
"Couldn'ta worked in some cookin' lessons while you were trainin' her to be a terrorist?"

Mystique

(blade from the knife block suddenly in her hand)
"How about I work this paring knife into your left eye?"

There is a sudden displacement of air, a loud BAMF, and a cloud of acrid smoke in the middle of the living area. All three cats run from the room in alarm. The real Nightcrawler has appeared, bringing wine.

[more audience cheering]

Nightcrawler

"Guten abend, bruder!"

Gambit

"We've been through dis part already."

Nightcrawler

"Vas?"

Mystique

(deadpan)
"Kurt. You have wine. What a surprise."

Nightcrawler

(extending the bottle to Gambit)
"I couldn't come empty handed! My, vhat smells so...uhm...vhat smells?"

Gambit

"Between de pot roast and de cat box and your entrance, 's hard t'tell. I've gone nose blind."

Mystique

(to Nightcrawler)
"Maybe lay off the sauce for the night. Before you embarrass yourself again."

Gambit

(to Mystique)
"Oh, so now you wanna act like a mother."

Mystique

(stonily, to Gambit)
"I will bury your body where no one will ever find it."

There is screaming from the bedroom, and everyone snaps into attack mode. The bedroom door bursts open and a man is thrown out. He stumbles a few paces before catching himself. He straightens his shirt, which looks remarkably like Gambit's. Rogue appears in the doorway, holding a pink and orange sweatshirt over her otherwise bare chest.

Rogue

"Y'all get the heck outta here!"

Gambit

(with surprise/alarm)
"Roguey, what's-!"

Rogue

(jabbing a finger at the newcomer, speaks hotly)
"Your dad was in our bedroom!"

Jean-Luc

(raising a hand in greeting the others, he speaks smoothly as if he hadn't just been bodily flung into the room)
"Bonsoir."

Gambit

(relieved)
"Oh, is dat all?"

Rogue

"Oh, yes, all. He saw EVERYTHING!"

Gambit

"Lucky guy. You ain't wearin' dat sweatshirt are you?"

Rogue

(to Jean-Luc)
"Can't you come in the normal way? We have a door!"

Jean-Luc

(offering a casual shrug)
"Dis is the normal way...for me. Nice bedroom, by de way. Great view."

Gambit

"It's what sold me on de place."

Rogue

(to Gambit and pointing at Jean-Luc)
"He ain't talkin' about the city skyline, and you know it! Do something about him!"

Gambit

"You're de one who had dis family gathering brainstorm. You brought dis on your ownself."

Rogue

"Ah did not invite mahself to get spied on by a sneak thief peepin' Tom!"

Gambit

"Ah, chère. He's harmless. He's only teasing you because it's fun watching you get wound up."

Rogue

"OH, REALLY?"

Gambit

(shrugging)
"Boys will be boys."

Rogue

"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!"
(Rogue stomps off and slams the door)

Gambit

(to Jean-Luc)
"Would you like a drink?"

Nightcrawler

(looking at solitary bottle he brought, says dryly)
"I think vhe're going to need another bottle."

Gambit

"We'll switch to hard liquor after dis."
(to Jean-Luc)
"Pop, dis is Kurt. Dis udder one, well, don't say I didn't warn ya."

Jean-Luc

(to Mystique, giving her a once-over)
"'Allo, chère. Dat's a fetching shade you're wearin'. I'd like t'see myself in blue. Think you'd bring out my eyes."
(he winks at her, risking his life)

Mystique

(looking from Jean-Luc to Gambit, she says flatly)
"Oh god, there's two of them."

[audience titters]

Jean-Luc

"You look like you're one of a kind."

Mystique actually smiles, but like, in a way that indicates she's envisioning Jean-Luc's evisceration.

Gambit

(putting himself between them)
"No no. Nononono. Ah. Erm. Let's open dis here wine."

Jean-Luc

(to Nightcrawler)
"Kurt? Nice t'meet you. And I assume, dis fair Ma'moiselle's your sister?"

Nightcrawler

"Actually, Rogue is my sister."

Jean-Luc

(impressed)
"Well, look'a'chu. And you're not even full 'a holes. No body parts blown off. Not any urge t'duel my boy, then?"

Nightcrawler

"None, herr LeBeau. But I must warn you, I am much more proficient with a sword than Remy's last brother-in-law."

Gambit is staring at them, finding none of this remotely amusing.

Nightcrawler

(shrugging sheepishly)
"Vhat? Too soon?"

Gambit shakes his head and resumes opening the wine bottle with a corkscrew. Rogue returns, wearing a sexy green outfit. Think: Sandy from Grease in the final scene where they fly off in the car.

[audience: whooooo!]

The cork in Gambit's hand goes POP and flies out of the neck of the bottle. Rogue tosses her loose curls and offers a sultry look.

Jean-Luc

"Didn't mind what you were wearin' before, chère. But you look mighty fine now."

Rogue

(fake laughs throatily, she speaks in a low flirtatious voice)
"Ah, ha, ha, Jean-Luc. You are such the rapier wit. Now, how will we get y'all to...behave? Ah thought Tante Mattie was coming with you?"

Jean-Luc

"She wit' us...in spirit."

Rogue

(her mouth opens, aghast)
"You don't mean…She's not-."

Tante Mattie appears just inside the front door-or at least her glowing astral projection does. She is holding an enormous handbag in front of her. She gazes around the apartment with a rapt expression on her face.

Tante Mattie

"Sweet 'a you have me come by yours. Ooh, Remy-cher. Well, dis is very nice!"

Gambit

"Thanks, Tatie. Can't take all de credit. Rogue prettified it a bit."

Mattie's gaze falls fondly upon Rogue, then, observing her outfit, her smile freezes.

Tante Mattie

(in what she perceives to be a quiet voice)
"Remy, you ain't about t'let your wife go about lookin' like that, are you?"

Rogue

(mouth opens, but no sound emerges)

Gambit

(approaching cautiously, takes Rogue by the arm and leads her back towards the bedroom door. Speaking sotto voce)
"You t'ink maybe you overdoin' it, Roguey? Mebbe put on somethin' less...revelatory?"

Rogue

(eerily calm, with narrowed eyes)
"Ah thought Ah'd dress up real nice for company. It's not like your daddy hasn't seen the entire package!"

Gambit

"Now who's testing who?"

Rogue

(hissing)
"He's a opportunistic pervert!"

Gambit

(hisses back)
"And your mother isn't?"

Rogue

"Ah think we'll see who's the bigger seducer here!"

Tante Mattie

(having moved into the kitchen to look at the roast)
"Oh...oh, sakes alive. Remy-cher, you bring me all de beef stock and burgundy you got. I'm about to bring dis here roast back from de dead."

Gambit

"Thought you was against practicin' black magic."

Rogue

"Everyone just...just have a seat! Ah'll bring out the potatahs in a jif. There's biscuits on the table."

Gambit

(whispering to Mattie)
"They come from out a can."

Tante Mattie

(shakes head and tuts)

The family sits down around the table; Gambit and Rogue beside one another and across from Nightcrawler and Tante Mattie. Jean-Luc and Mystique sit at either end.

Gambit

(in a falsely bright voice)
"Well, dis feels very normal!"

He jerks slightly as Rogue kicks him under the table.

Rogue

(to Jean-Luc with a saccharine smile)
"You mind passin' the biscuits, sugah?"

This seems like an invitation to some kind of innuendo-laden remark, but Tante Mattie clears her throat meaningfully as her eyebrows climb her forehead. Rogue's eyes flick to Gambit, then to Jean-Luc, wondering what she's missing.

Rogue

"There's salad, too."

Tante Mattie

(pointedly)
"We should give thanks first."

Nightcrawler

(delighted)
"Vhat a vunderful idea!"

Jean-Luc

(to Rogue, who sits at his right)
"Shall we hold hands?"

Tante Mattie

"Remy, you lead."

Gambit

"Me? Can't I just mouth de words like I usually do?"

Tante Mattie

(dangerous eyes)
"Lead de family in prayer. You de man of de house."

Gambit

"I am?"

Rogue

"He is?"

[audience laughter]

Jean-Luc

(to Gambit)
"Prayer. Now."

Gambit

(clasps hands together under his chin and lowers his head with closed eyes)
"Dear God...make me a bird, so I can fly far...far away from here."

Rogue kicks him under the table again.

Nightcrawler

"How about zhe traditional thanksgiving prayer?"

Tante Mattie

(smiles indulgently at Nightcrawler and pats his hand)
"Yes, let's do that, honey."
(Mattie then turns her ire onto Gambit and Rogue)
"At least there's one of y'all kids who can behave proper."

As Nightcrawler, Gambit, Tante Mattie and Jean-Luc cross themselves and begin to recite Grace, Rogue leans backwards in her seat to whisper to Mystique behind Gambit's back.

Rogue

(from the corner of her mouth)
"What's happening?"

Mystique

"Dogmatic religious chanting."

Mystique jumps in her chair as Nightcrawler pokes her with his tail.

All

(or most)
"Amen."

Rogue

(nervously scanning the faces at the table)
"So...we can eat now?"

Gambit

"Or try to."

Rogue

(snaps)
"Will you just cut the roast?"

Gambit

"You're de one with super strength."

[audience laughs]

Rogue

"If you say one more word about mah cooking…"

Gambit

(hurriedly)
"Cutting de roast! Cutting de roast!"

Gambit saws at the roast with a knife, then stands up to gain more leverage.

Gambit

"How's it that it's burnt on de outside, but raw in de middle?"

Rogue

"Ah might've rushed it a bit…Ah was runnin' late."

Jean-Luc

"Mebbe you been workin' too hard."

Tante Mattie

"That's an...unusual seasoning. I don't believe I ever seen that, uhm, herb sprinkled on a roast before."

Nightcrawler

"Is it oregano?"

Rogue

(face flushing)
"Uhmm...Ah think so…?"

Gambit

(brow furrowed)
"Looks like catnip. And anyways, what's happened to it? Dis thing's got more fur on it than Kurt's backside."

Tante Mattie

"Now, Remy, people's posteriors ain't polite dinner conversation."

Jean-Luc

(to Gambit, complaining)
"You got too many damn cats."

Mystique

"I honestly did not expect him to keep all three when I left them here. I sincerely doubted he was capable of any kind of responsible behavior."

Rogue

"Now, mama, that ain't fair. When he takes to somethin', Remy puts his whole heart and soul inta it."

Jean-Luc

"Boy use'ta take home any stray mangy varmint. Soft spot for unwanted critters of all kinds."

Gambit

"You hush up, that ain't no way to talk about your grandbabies."

Tante Mattie

"Cats ain't no decent substitute for babies. Now, when are you and Rogue-."

Rogue

"Oh, lawd..."

Gambit closes his eyes and grits his teeth as if he were about to witness a terrible collision.

Mystique

(leans back in her chair in delighted anticipation)
"This should be interesting."

Nightcrawler

(failing to read the room)
"It's our moral obligation...a responsibility-to make more mutants! Both for zhe protection of our mutant sovereignty and zhe betterment of our planet. And here vhe have two very responsible mutants!"

Rogue

(glowering dangerously at Nightcrawler)
"Obligation, is it? Well, that's interestin'. So maybe we oughta see to it our menfolk share in some of the responsibility? Like, Ah dunno, how about after I throttle you, we ask The Five if they can fix it so you come back with two X-chromosomes? Then YOU can serve as a incubator!"

Nightcrawler

"Oh. Uhm. Zhat's not-. You see, zhere's still such a thing as bodily autonomy and self-determination…"
(realization dawns on him)
"Oh. Ermm."

Jean-Luc

"Now, they ain't even been married all dat long, Mattie. No rush. Young couple needs time alone. Together. Bonding time. Travel, share experiences, enjoy one another's...company."

Tante Mattie

(taking them on a guilt trip)
"I sure do hope I see a grandbaby before de good Lawd calls me home."

Gambit

(whispering accusingly to Rogue)
"You did dis. Dis is your doing."

Jean-Luc

"They each comin' into their own, these young'uns. I mean, look'it Roguey now. She's up and flown off to bigger'n better things. But have t'wonder what my own son gets up to while his wife's workin'."

Gambit, refusing to meet his father's pointed look, helps himself to the bowl of salad.

Mystique

"Yes, Rogue. How are you managing to keep an eye on your easily distractible husband while you're off serving as mutant-kind's PR superhero representative?"

Gambit

(grumbles)
"Like I need some kinda babysitter 'r somethin'."

Mystique

(with a sly smirk at Gambit)
"When the cat's away…we certainly know what the mouse is likely to get up to."

Rogue

"Ah don't appreciate what you're insinuatin', Raven. Ah trust Remy absolutely."

Gambit

(smiling at Rogue and putting a hand over Rogue's own)
"And Rogue should be a model for everyone to look up to. My Roguey stood up in front of god and everybody and put her hat in de ring t'make de world a better place. Now look at her, representin' a whole nation."

[audience: awww]

Mystique

(dryly)
"Yes, it is interesting who we've selected to represent our great island nation. Such diversity."

Rogue

(who had been smiling at Gambit, turns a frown onto her mother)
"What's that supposed t'mean?"

Mystique

"It is notable, out of all the mutants on our island, we collectively manage to select seven of the most...let us say-non-aberrant-individuals. Why, the lot of you could have been put together for a mutant-themed editorial photoshoot at Vogue."

Rogue

"What're you sayin'? That Ah won a beauty contest?"

Mystique

(shrugging one shoulder slightly as she lifts a wine glass to her lips)
"Perhaps mutants are just as prejudiced against those with physical mutations as humans are. Probably wouldn't do, to elect someone with transparent flesh, or bone spurs protruding from their skull, or a tail, or demonic eyes to such a public-facing office. Certainly difficult to look up to someone if you don't want to look at them at all. Humans might...get upset."

Nightcrawler and Gambit share a nonplussed look before each stuffing a biscuit into their mouths.

Jean-Luc

"Certainly won't hear nobody complain about lookin' at Roguey, dat's for true."
(Jean-Luc gestures at Mystique and Nightcrawler)
"Now, how're you all put in charge of runnin' dis island? Draw straws?"

Nightcrawler

"Ve vere selected for zhe Council."

Mystique

"For our...divergent perspectives."

Nightcrawler

"It's a voluntary position."

Gambit

"If I had t'listen to Magneto, Sinister, Apocalypse and Emma Frost talk at each udder, I'd have volunteered myself for a suicide mission."

Mystique

"Please don't let your inability to attend Council meetings stand in the way of your following through on that."

Tante Mattie

(to herself)
"Lawd, lend me your strengt', that I might practice forgiveness on this woman who best not be talkin' bad 'bout my boy. But if you can't bless me now, Father, I got me a voodoo doll in my handbag I'm fixin' to stab."

Rogue

(to Gambit, encouragingly)
"Now, c'mon Remy. It ain't like you're not used to dealin' with a council full'a people you don't necessarily agree with. You'd do well-."

Tante Mattie

(still muttering)
"Just get me one of dem red hairs off de top of dat Jezebel's head and I'll give her de business end of a needle."

Jean-Luc

(to Nightcrawler)
"And what is it you do on dis Council?"

Nightcrawler

"Vhell, I can't speak for zhe ozzers, but ve have formed a new union to defend the faith and philosophies that unite us! The Legionaires."

Mystique

"Like the disease?"

Nightcrawler

"Vas?"

Mystique

"Legionnaires' disease. It's a form of severe pneumonia."

Nightcrawler

(to himself, mildly offended)
"I think it's spelled differently…"

Rogue

"Maybe workshop a few other options. Remy, maybe Kurt could use-."

Gambit

(to Nightcrawler)
"-A union dat serves and protects? So, we got ourselves mutant po-lice now?"

Nightcrawler

(shaking head)
"No, no. Vhe aren't going to poe-lease anyvone. Vhe're-."

Gambit

"Narc."

Nightcrawler

(exasperated)
"I'm feeling very attacked!"

Gambit

"I'm feeling very hungry."

Gambit stands up from his seat and retrieves his phone from his tight back pocket with a struggle.

Rogue

"Where are you going?"

Gambit

(walking away and towards the bedroom)
"I'm going to order takeout from de place downstairs."

Jean-Luc

(to Rogue as Gambit departs)
"Thought he'd never leave."

Jean-Luc puts his arm around Rogue and fares her with a saucy grin. Rogue's mouth opens in mild outrage and she points at Jean-Luc while looking at Gambit, as if to say: "DO YOU SEE THIS RIGHT NOW?" Gambit, however, has left the room and has failed to notice.

Rogue

(to Jean-Luc, lips pursed and eyes squinted)
"Here, why don't y'all have more wine?"

Nightcrawler

(holding out glass)
"Don't mind if I do, danke!"

Mystique

(to Rogue and indicating Nightcrawler)
"Cut him off."

With a sigh, Rogue empties the bottle into Nightcrawler's glass. She collects the roast and lifts it from the table, resigned to throwing it away. Jean-Luc is on his feet and following her.

Jean-Luc

"Here, lemme lend a hand."

Rogue

"Thanks, sugah, but you're our guest. You go on and relax."

Jean-Luc

"I insist."

Awkwardly, Rogue stands beside her father-in-law in the kitchen area as he helps with the washing up. They are (for Rogue) standing uncomfortably close.

Jean-Luc

"Terrible sorry your get-together didn't come out as planned."

Rogue

"Think Ah bit off more'n Ah could chew. Remy's usually the one to manage the meals."

Jean-Luc

"He always did manage to look after hisself, at least when it came to eatin'. He does better when he's got someone else to look after. A bit more grounded, in any case...Suppose it's good thing he's at least got dem damn cats."

Rogue

(feeling irritated)
"Ah mean, not to mention a wife."

Jean-Luc

"You didn't strike me as de type dat wanted lookin' out for, chère…. Though, got to wonder, who's keepin' you warm at night? With you off flyin' 'round New York and all over de place?"

Rogue

(glowering)
"And Ah think you oughta spend more time wonderin' how you're gonna survive this conversation."

Jean-Luc

"Seems a young married couple would prefer their own company over that of anyone else. Not to mention, shared sleepin' arrangements."

Rogue

"As it happens we're both two fully actualized adults capable of havin' work careers separate from one another."

Jean-Luc

"And what is it exactly that's keepin' my son occupied, if not you? That's what you're worried about, ain't it?"
(leaning towards her suddenly, he says in a low voice)
"Or mebbe...mebbe my son isn't giving you a reason to stay?"

Rogue

(her face flushing)
"Ah suppose you'd give me a reason?"

Jean-Luc

(with a sly smile and a raised eyebrow)
"You ain't about to proposition an old man, enh?"

Rogue

(whispering back)
"Ah bet you think the sun came up t'hear you crow."

Jean-Luc

"What I think, is that you're about t'bite off more'n you can chew, again."

Rogue

(poking Jean-Luc in the chest with a forefinger)
"Ah think-Ah think you're testing me now. AND that you've meddled enough with Remy's life. So mind your own dang business!"

Jean-Luc

(with a knowing smirk)
"But your business is so much more attractive."

Rogue

"You ain't foolin' nobody. Ah don't know what you think you're up ta, but you'd best knock it off."

Jean-Luc

"I reckon it ain't so dissimilar to whatever it is you think you're up to wit' dis little gathering."

Rogue

"Just because you've got more angles than a geometry lesson, don't mean everyone's got an ulterior motive."

Jean-Luc

"I think we're motivated by de same thing, only you're goin' about it all wrong."

Rogue

"Ah'm gettin' it wrong? You're about as bass akwards as it gets, Jean-Luc."

Jean-Luc

"You want direct? I'll give it to you straight. You'd better not fly off and break my kid's heart again, or I will be borrowin' Mattie's voodoo doll. And then you'll find out just how big of a pain in your ass I can be."

Rogue

(surprised expression on her face)
"Ah'm not about t'leave Remy. That's about the furthest thing from mah mind!"

Jean-Luc

(suddenly smiling happily)
"Well, dat's a load off my mind. Mebbe don't have to stick ya after all. Wit' a pin, just to be clear."

Jean-Luc plucks a white hair from Rogue's bangs.

Rogue

"Ow!"

Jean-Luc

(showing her the strand of hair)
"Insurance."

Jean-Luc rejoins the rest of the guests.

Rogue

(muttering to self and rubbing her forehead)
"Dang-blamed crazy-ass in-laws."

Gambit

(returning from the bedroom and putting away his phone)
"Should be ready in five. Hope you like your food spicy."

Nightcrawler

"I'll pop down and pick it up!"

Nightcrawler disappears in a burst of brimstone. Rogue walks to the window to open it, then uses her waving hand to disperse some of the odor.

Rogue

"Ah know! We can make this real casual. Let's sit in the living room. Maybe we can play a game?"
(quietly to herself)
"Since polite conversation seems to be out."

The guests filter into the living area and settle onto chairs and the sofa. Gambit sits on the floor in front of the coffee table and the cats wander over to him for pets.

Gambit

(jokingly, he pulls out a deck of playing cards and fans them)
"What'll we play? Strip poker?"

Jean-Luc

(to Rogue)
"I feel like I already won de pot before we even shuffled de deck."

Rogue

(glaring at Jean-Luc)
"Ah was thinking something more family friendly."

Mystique

"When I was a girl we used to play a game called 'Poor Puss.'"

Gambit

"I feel like I'ma regret dis...but I am also intrigued. Tell me more."

Jean-Luc

"Careful, Rem. Curiosity killed de cat."

Mystique

"One person is chosen to be Poor Puss. The rest sit in a circle while Poor Puss crawls about on all fours, meowing and putting their head in the other players' laps. The first in the circle to smile or laugh loses and becomes Poor Puss next. It was very amusing...I never lost."

Gambit

(indicating Rogue)
"We play something similar, only we don't play to laugh, we're naked, and everyone wins!"

Rogue

"REMY! PRIVATE INFORMATION! Now look, you've embarrassed Tante Mattie!"

Tante Mattie's astral form is sitting on the couch, her gaze fixed in the distance. It also seems as though she is miming eating from a bowl of popcorn.

Mystique

(disappointed)
"Guess we've decided on charades."

Jean-Luc

(waves hand in front of Mattie's face)
"Nah, her physical form's binge-watching CSI."

Tante Mattie

(suddenly, pointing at a screen only she can see)
"It was him dat done it!"

Gambit

(to Jean-Luc)
"How long you in town for?"

Jean-Luc

"Meetin' with New Yawk Guild tomorrow. Y'know, you could help with things instead of running around in Disneyland."

Gambit

"I got lucrative opportunities there. Think of it as Guild expansion, Avalon branch."

Rogue

(encouragingly)
"Right, Remy. Why don't you and your daddy work out-."

Jean-Luc

(talking over Rogue at Gambit)
"Why don't you get your head out de clouds and back to reality? Ain't you got enough problems in one world to be courtin' more in another?"

Gambit

"Let me rephrase my earlier question: 'When are you leaving?'"

Mystique

(with much enjoyment)
"Now I see I'm not the only parent being completely disrespected and ignored."

Gambit

(to Mystique)
"Don't you have some young men to entrap?"

Tante Mattie

(still talking to her television set)
"Oo, girl, don't you go t'rough dat do' wit'out your partner!"

Jean-Luc

"To answer your question, I say: a couple days."

Rogue

(to Jean-Luc, politely)
"Where are you staying?"

Gambit

(incredulous)
"Well, of course he's stayin' here."

Rogue

(confused)
"What?"

Gambit

"Do you want your Southerner card revoked?"

Mystique

"Technically, you are Krakoans now."

Rogue

"Krakoa's lacking in culture, Southern or otherwise, you gotta admit. Not the island itself, but the people, Ah mean."

Mystique

(with insincerity)
"Hosting ridiculous pantomimes of upper class East Coast social soirees, throwing debauched parties with burning human effigies, and having drunken sexual intercourse with multiple anonymous people doesn't constitute culture?"

Jean-Luc

(looking at Rogue)
"And y'all haven't invited me by yet?"

Gambit

(to Rogue)
"You don't call family in from outta town and make them stay in a hotel."

Rogue

(looking mildly panicked)
"No, no of course it's fine! We'll put him up in the spare room."

Nightcrawler makes a reappearance carrying plastic bags with yellow smiley faces on them, each heavy with takeout containers. The smell of sulfur and curry intermingle and Rogue is forced to turn on a fan.

Mystique

(accepting a takeout container handed to her)
"So, a foundling culture, such as it is…. And now we have our own law enforcement, it seems. So what laws will you be defending, Kurt? We only have the three."

Nightcrawler

"Zhere are certainly some-additional guidelines vhe should consider."
(mutters to himself)
"Like not abandoning your children, for starters."

Mystique

(eyeing Gambit and Rogue)
"I mean, as Krakoan citizens, and considering we do not have laws, in the eyes of Krakoa...are the two of you really considered married anymore?"

Gambit

(through gritted teeth and with murder in his eyes)
"Of course, we're married."

Mystique

(airily)
"Aren't we beyond these human concepts?"

Rogue

"Mama. First, there ain't no way you're imitatin' Magneto's ideology. Second, Ah know you consider yourself married to Irene, so quit tryin' t'stir the pot."

Mystique

(smiling at Rogue)
"All right, I'll let you win this time."

Rogue

(trying to reassure herself)
"No, this is good. Ah got to be back at the Treehouse by eight tomorrow. Remy, you and your dad can keep each other out of trouble. Maybe you can, y'know, put some consideration inta what you want t'do."

Gambit

"Do about what?"

Rogue

"About...about your-plans. Life goals?"

Gambit

(purposefully obtuse)
"I'll make de groceries. How you feel about Szechuan dis week?"

Jean-Luc

"Maybe Remy can clock in a few Guild hours, enh?"

Gambit

(ignoring Jean-Luc, speaking to Rogue)
"Mebbe you can give us a formal Treehouse tour?"

Rogue

(looking at Mystique and Jean-Luc)
"Ah don't know if that's such a good idea…"

Gambit

"Why not?"

Rogue

"Ah mean, last time you showed up with company, it looked real bad on me."

Gambit

"Girl, you don't never look bad. Security is what looks bad."

Nightcrawler

"Is zhere an issue with zhe Treehouse security?"

Mystique

"I should have a discussion with Forge...when my daughter's safety is at stake. I'll encourage him to do better next time, while I hammer a rusty nail into his spine."

Rogue

"The only flaw in the security, is that mah husband is a thief and a gamblin' addict. He took advantage and walked a Thing, a Black Cat, and a Rhino into the basement for a poker game."

Gambit

"That it took you hours to find us doesn't say anythin' about me, but y'all's lack of observational skills."

Nightcrawler

(to Gambit)
"Vhy vould you do that? Vhy not go somevhere else? Anyvhere!"

Gambit

"Why do I do anything? Because someone told me I couldn't, wouldn't, or shouldn't."
(Gambit taps his forehead)
"S'called reverse psychology."

Mystique

"That's not how reverse psychology works."

Gambit

"That's what I wanted you to think."

Mystique

(getting annoyed)
"By all means, don't walk off a cliff."

Gambit

"Maybe I should. Catch all the babies you threw down dere."

Nightcrawler stares at Gambit blankly.

Gambit

"What, too soon?"

Tante Mattie

(excitedly, at the television)
"Ooh, dere he go! Get 'im! Bang, you dead!"

Rogue suddenly goes rigid, back straight, eyes snapping wide open.

Rogue

"Oh! It's a emergency signal from Jean! Ah gotta go!"

Gambit

"But-!"

Rogue

"Sorry, shug!"

Rogue kisses the side of Gambit's head as she heads towards the open window and flies through it. In the picture window behind them, there is an orange explosion in the distance. Rogue's flying form, silhouetted against the glow, flashes past.

Gambit

(forlornly, he sighs)
"Dat's de last I'll see of dat outfit."

Jean-Luc

"Pity."

Mystique

"I will finish you, you dirty old man! Talk to my daughter like that, will you-?"

Mystique seizes a decorative throw pillow and leaps to smother Jean-Luc, passing through Tante Mattie's astral form as she does so. There is a flailing of limbs and sounds of struggle from the couch. Various pleas, grunts, and curses can be heard. Mattie remains oblivious, consumed by her television program.

From his seat on the floor, Gambit looks up at Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler finishes his third glass of wine. Gambit sighs and rests his head on Nightcrawler's knee.

Gambit

"Meow."

Nightcrawler

(patting Gambit's head)
"Poor puss."

END SCENE

Cut To black.

Fade to credits.

The end frame of a Production Studio appears. On it is a still image of a warwolf with a dismembered arm in its mouth.

V/O: Sit, Amazing Baby, Sit. ...Good warwolf.

"Wenk!"

A/N: Poor Puss is a real game. I didn't make it up. I'm weird, but not that weird.

The production studio is a joke that only a child who watched a lot of Family Ties would get.