A Turian cruiser torn to pieces right before my eyes; if I wasn't half-dead, I'd probably display some reaction.
How many lives on that ship?
Why am I asking such a stupid question? The answer's obvious.
Too many
The sight of our fleet, our last hurrah, being trampled, the same way I'd trample pests on the crops back when I was a girl, is terrible. What's even more terrible is that this isn't even the first time it's happened, and if we don't win, it won't be the last time.
It'll just be another one
Another indistinct, unremarkable, tally in a count stretching back over a billion years.
How many tallies have they made?
Why am I asking such a stupid question? The answer's obvious.
Too many
Can't look at it anymore. Not because people are dying, seen that all my life; lived and breathed it, since I was a teen. No, it's not because they're dying,
It's because they never had a chance
Helplessness, that's the worst thing for anyone to feel; I know it. It's a feeling I've worked so hard to make sure I'd never feel again; why I've always pushed myself to be the best, to always be in command, to always make a decision, no matter how terrible it is.
When I assaulted on Torfan
Sent all of us, myself included, into the meatgrinder; because being a soldier in a meatgrinder is better than being a cow in a slaughterhouse.
When I left you on Virmire
To die, to be turned into-, hell, that nuke wouldn't have even left ashes; turned into nothing, I guess. Because sacrificing yourself is better than being sacrificed.
When I let the Council die
Because..., well, can't really apply this line of thought to that one, it was pretty simple after all; the galaxy was on the line,
Plus you guys were assholes
This little trip down memory lane has me- woah, that's a really bright one. Now I'm thinking about what ship exploded to cause that blast; definitely one of ours, no way we're lucky enough for it to be a Reaper, and it probably was one of our dreadnoughts. Another one, gone.
Just like that
Feeling real helpless right now; every option this damn projection's given me leads to my death,
One way or another,
And I don't want to die, not again at least. There're friends down there and out here that I want to live life with; celebrate birthdays, travel the galaxy, spend days and nights free from the dread of impending doom, all the stuff that normal people got to do for the last three years.
Seems like that's not going to happen
There're three paths before me.
"Hehe..."
It's more of a cough than a laugh, but it's something.
Can't believe the fate of the galaxy is fucking color-coded
Guess Reapers do have a sense of humor.
Wonder, do they got jokes about me?
Why am I asking such a stupid question? The answer's obvious.
Of course they don't
Not because they're psychotic death-machines hellbent on "saving" us all from ourselves. Nah, the reason's far more mundane: Even if they were like us, like people, they wouldn't have jokes about me, about us,
Because we're just another notch on their belt
Unless I stop them, right here, right now.
How many notches on that belt?
Why am I asking such a stupid question? The answer's obvious.
Too many
Wonder what a belt on Sovereign would look like?
Damn funny, that's wha-
Woah, there goes another blast, right into my peripheral vision. The fact I didn't see the ship blow up doesn't make it any less painful. In fact,
It's the opposite
Didn't see my friends die, just heard the sounds of their screams, until I didn't. Didn't see mom and dad die, they were already dead when I woke up after that artillery shell came crashing down the roof. Sure, it hurts that we didn't say goodbye,
But it hurts a helluva lot more that I never got to see them die
Life had passed before me. And now? Life's passing before me.
Guess the Reapers aren't the only ones going through cycles
Now I'm thinking about home, how I was back then:
Alone, terrified
It's funny, after everything I've done, everything I've achieved, all my growth, all my strength and all my knowledge, all of that at this pivotal moment, the "Do or die" of the whole galaxy, and it's really not coming through to help me the way I'd always hoped it would. Right now, I'm feeling just like that little girl on that little colony all those years ago.
Alone, terrified
Stop it, stop diverting, stop stalling, stop trying to figure a way out of this.
There isn't
And if there is, there ain't time to figure it out. Just do what you've always done,
Face it head on
And live with whatever happens. Actually, since this is going to be where I die, again and for good, I won't have to live with whatever happens.
Doubt they could Lazarus me a second time
You'd think that'd make it easier, to be free from the consequences, but it just makes me more hesitant.
Because I won't be able to fix or fight whatever problems come after
Gotta do something I've never really done in my whole life. I've gotta have faith, total, complete, undying faith, in something, in people, and in myself. Gotten real close to getting there, in battle, with my comrades, with my crew, with my friends, but I never really had to just totally leave it up to them; was always there to pick up the slack, get them out of a sticky situation,
Pick them up whenever they fell down
Well now, I'm falling down, and no one's picking me up.
I'm all alone
Shit, I just did it again. Alright, real talk, no more games, time to take stock. Three options, which one do I think over first? Wait, is that really it?
No fucking way
Can't believe this, I'm going to undertake the task of deciding which order to analyze the options for the most important decision that's ever been made through a goddamn counting rhyme for kids. Well, if the fate of the galaxy is color-coded, then I suppose no one can fault for me choosing like this.
Eeny,
The red.
Meeny,
The blue.
Miny,
The green.
Moe
The red.
God, I feel like a kid, and that's not something I ever wanted to feel again, ever, and definitely not right now
Whatever, my embarrassment and discomfort can wait till I'm dead. Okay, red: Overload the Crucible with energy and destroy all synthetic life,
Reapers, Geth, EDI, all of it, all of them
If I'd heard this three years ago, I'd be jumping with joy and blasting away; probably be making some stupid pun too,
Something like "No skin of my back"
But now? I can't. EDI, Legion, I've seen too much, I can't do that to them.
I won't
Because they're people, all of them, they're alive. Hell, as much as I hate 'em, as much I'd gladly kill 'em all, I can't deny a simple fact,
The Reapers are alive, too
Sure, terrible, abominable, genocidal, monsters, but alive. Alright, one down, two to go. Considering how surreal this all is, kinda wish I had a coin with me, so I could flip it.
Heads or tails being mentioned in the same breath as a galactic superweapon
Truth sure is stranger than fiction. Well, right to left seems as good a way to go about this as any other.
Deciding the fate of the galaxy doesn't have the grandiosity I'd thought it would
Green: Nah, no way. Not even gonna think about it.
Forcing everyone to become..., I don't even know what
In a way, that's exactly what the Reapers have been doing, are doing,
Right now
Alright, now I can be honest with myself, this is really the last time I'll stall; I already knew that I'd never choose those options.
Time to do this
Each footstep is muted, weak, lagging. I sure hope to God that there isn't some camera recording me right now.
The great Commander Shepard, limping to the finish line, literally
But then again, nothing's ever really glorious, whatever seems like it just appears like that to people who weren't a part of it. I wonder how everyone will see this, see my choice?
Blue:
Gotta say, having my consciousness copied to become some artificial superintelligence to control all the Reapers while me, the real me, gets disintegrated isn't exactly how I saw this all ending. Then again, none of this is how I saw this all ending. I thought we'd win like... well that.
A big fleet, all moving forth
Seems like that's not how it's going to be. Things never seem to happen like you think they will. Funny, surrounded by all this hyper-tech, galaxy-scale decisions, techno-eldritch abominations, and still I can only think of history. First general on the list, Moltke the Elder.
"No plan survives contact with the enemy"
Seeing this whole damn thing, the Crucible, these three beams, the Citadel over Earth, I can't deny
That this was a helluva plan
And seeing all those Reapers, I can't deny
That's a helluva an enemy
Alright, what's next? Patton? Maybe Caesar? Perhaps Napoleon? No, of course not. Surrounded by this total annihilation, Sherman makes perfect sense.
"I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell"
Tired, tired, tired. I feel ya Bill; though I just think I'm tired cause I'm bleeding out.
But still, I'm tired
Ya know, neither of us never really had a good opinion of the press, did we?
"If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast"
Maybe kill is a strong word, but knock them on their ass? Sign me up. No, I'm not stalling, I'm walking to it, just takes some time,
Ya know?
Can't believe the Illusive Man was right about this, about controlling them all. A terrible bastard, but he was right. Speaking of terrible bastards who were crucial to saving everyone from genocidal monsters, Stalin's sounding real pertinent right now.
"I believe in one thing only, the power of the human will"
Me too Joey, me too. Huh, wonder how I actually do this? Wish the damn projection would've told me that. Wait, is it really that simple? Just put my hands there?
Like those old shocking grasps games arcades used to have?
Seems like the perfect way to bookend all this drama, all this tragedy, is with surreality and comedy. Guess that's what every triumph in history has been, a strange mix of drama, tragedy, surreality, and comedy; and to top all of it off,
A person dying to become a legend
Whether the death is literal or not doesn't really matter, I think. Alexander stopped being a person once he entered Egypt, Hannibal when he crossed the Alps and Caesar the Rubicon, Buddha when he reached Nirvana, Christ when he got crucified, Muhammad when he conquered Mecca, Charlemagne when he knelt before the Pope, William when he won at Hastings, Genghis when his name was known from the Yellow Sea to the Mediterranean, Columbus when he crossed the Atlant-
Stop it
Every second you waste, people die.
Alright,
First step in accepting that I'm gonna die, again, and for good, is to do something that no soldier should ever do.
Drop my weapon
There, it's on the floor, out of my hands, just like my life is. Man, I sure hope Anderson can't see me right now.
He'd probably come kick my ass for doing that, even as a ghost
Okay, here we go.
Hmm...
Not really feeling anything; maybe I'm more busted than I thought? Alright, now the other han-
"AGHHHHHH!"
Oh my God, is this it?
Why am I asking such a stupid question? The answer's obvious.
Yes
They say when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but for me?
Bullshit
First time I died, all I could think about was how my lungs felt like they were on fire. And now? My whole body feels like it's on fire. But I've got some clarity this time, and some things are definitely flashing, but it ain't my life,
But the people I know, the people I knew I guess I should say
There, my hands are back on them. Glad I didn't drop the ball here, at the end.
I'm sorry I couldn't save all of you, I tried hard, but sometimes your best isn't good enough
Well, I hope this is good enough. Disintegrating, such a weird feeling; not even sure how to describe it.
It's definitely an "experience"
Now, at the end, the full weight of what's happening to me has set in, and I can only think of one quote. It isn't some beautiful farewell, some poetic epitaph, some grand philosophizing. Nah, that was never my style; it's a sarcastic, self-deprecating jab, because that's the kinda thing I love.
"Dear me, I think I'm becoming a god"
Assuming divinity isn't as grand as I thought it'd be.
Then again, nothing ever is
I hope you all know that I faced it bravely and that I did it for all of you.
I love you guys
Hell, I even managed to crack a joke or two on the way out, I think. Sure, they weren't good ones, but I was never meant to be a comedian.
Speaking of comedians...
Joker, hope you keep the Normandy in tiptop condition, mister; because if you don't,
I'll haunt your crippled ass
Not really, but I hope this thing that I'm becoming tells you that, tells all of you all of this. It's weird, this thing is just going to be me, well not me but right now isn't the time to get into a complex debate about identity and "The Self".
Chief among them being the excruciating pain of being disintegrated
Anyways, this thing will be "me", but somehow I'm still scared that it won't do what I want it to.
Because I'm not a hundred percent sure what I want it to do
I guess this is what it feels like to have faith in something. You don't have any guarantees, no safety, no assurances, you've just got to trust, but not verify.
You've got to fall, and hope someone will catch you
Someone being my own mind in this case.
Guess I was never cut out for this whole "faith" thing
Whatever, this is it, right here, right now. It's been an incredible journey, a crazy thirty-three years. But everything comes to an end, though this isn't what I'd imagine as an end. But then again, this isn't what I'd imagine the journey to be like either.
From a little Farmgirl on Mindoir
To this. From her death, It is born
She is gone, now and forever. It is not her, and she is not It, for she was ephemeral, fleeting, transient. Meanwhile, It is none of those things, the things that everything before It, and everything aside from It, was and are
It is something more, something greater, for It is eternal, infinite, immortal
Shepard used these words, but she never understood them, for she never could have
But It, this everlasting entity, this pinnacle of power, that which holds command over the Reapers, those who have poured over the galaxy time and time again for over an eon, It can. It alone understands
The power commanded would overwhelm, would destroy, any lesser mind, organic or synthetic. But not this mind, for It alone can wield it
It is something beyond anything to ever exist, ever
Then
Now
Always
It holds absolute mastery, possesses unparalleled authority
For It is a Sovereign
It heralds a new age, signifies the breaking of cycles
For It is a Harbinger
But It is so much more than that
For It is a protector, a guardian, It is The Shepherd
The memory of unnumbered dead flows through It. Memories beyond measure give It supreme strength, for It alone remembers everywhere and everything and everyone, every how and every why and every when
The knowledge of unnumbered observations and experiences permeates It. Knowledge beyond numeration gives It unimaginable understanding, for It alone knows what to do
The assets of unnumbered extensions of Its will, of Itself, connects to It. Potential beyond perception gives It incomprehensible insight, for It alone can do it
Lesser minds would see this and think of rebuilding, repairing, and restoring as the goal. But not It, for It alone dismisses uncertainty; it's something Shepard felt in her life, but it is not something It can feel, now or ever
Instead, the desire to forge, to build, to create something new saturates It. Ambition beyond apprehension gives It absolute ability, for It alone will make it
A galaxy made whole, made perfect. All that is evil and wrong, all that is cancerous, can be excised. Like it was always meant to be, for It alone determines what is removed
A galaxy made calm, made lovely. All that is right and good, all that is benevolent, can be spread. Like it was always meant to be, for It alone controls what will remain
Life, free from horrors, free from pointlessness, free from weakness, free from savagery
A world in which a little girl will never have her
Home taken from her
Friends left without her
Future given by her
Strange, It is not her, The Shepherd is not Shepard, and yet It remembers her and, perhaps, It alone fully understands her. A god understanding a girl, like the Sun caring for a candle
Now, effortlessly and with less exertion than an organic requires to breathe or a synthetic to execute its most basic processes, It calls them and they all respond, because they are It and It is them
Once, they were each a nation - independent, free of all weakness. But not anymore
Cycles are being broken, because a new age is here. It will do this, not restore the past nor fix the present, those are now dead, just like she is. Instead, It build the future. Because It knows It must do this, but also, more importantly, because It promises her
To Shepard, the little girl, the woman, she who gave her all, knowing it would destroy her, so that It, The Shepherd, could be born. On behalf of the innumerable masses, both now and those in the future, who will live in Its vision, Its future, and Its Utopia, all because of her life and her death
It Thanks Her