Just Pretending

by reluctanthufflepuff

Lily Evans keeps her feelings hidden away in her treasured journals. When they mysteriously fall into the wrong hands, can she keep her feelings separate from her real life?

1. Chapter 1

Author Notes: I wrote this chapter in five days after having this idea knocking around in my head for over two years from watching & reading To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. I love the story, and I love Lily and James. Please read and review! (Also, if you're interested in beta reading for this story, please message me!)

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and I'm not making any money from this work. These characters and this setting belongs to JKR.

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…and I can't believe that she's already marrying him! It's ridiculous—she's only nineteen. And he's soooo dull. I'm better off not—

"Lil? Hellooo? Earth to Lily Evans?"

Lily sighs, putting down her quill, and looking across the table at her best friend, Marlene.

"Yes?" she says, smiling at sweetly as she can muster in spite of her foul mood.

"Have you heard a word I've said all evening?" Marlene says, narrowing her eyes and glaring at Lily. She turns to Mary. "She's always buried in that"—she points accusingly—"that thing!"

"She's right, Lil. Aren't we a little old for diaries? What're you writing in there anyway?" Mary reaches across the table to grab it, but Lily slams it shut quickly, stowing it away in her school bag where it's safe from her friends' prying.

"It's not a diary," Lily says defensively. "It's a journal!"

They both roll their eyes. Lily ignores them, turning her attention to Marlene. "Now what is so important?"

"I was saying," Marlene says importantly, "that since you're doing room assignments for the Stonehenge trip, put me and Black together."

Now it's Lily's turn to roll her eyes. Since their fifth year, Marlene had nursed an intense crush on Sirius Black, the most handsome and immature boy in their year, and perhaps the whole school. She's not alone—most of the girls—and some of the boys—at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has at least noticed Black's roguish good looks, the way he struts about the castle like he owns the place, and his juvenile pranks that everyone just laughs at. Lily doesn't see it, personally.

"Marlie, you know I can't do that," she says, spearing a roasted potato with her fork. "Plus, he'll be with all his prat mates. It's not like I can put you and him together alone." She gestures down the long Gryffindor table at the objects of her abuse. As expected, Black is goading Pettigrew to stuff his face with roasted potatoes, using his wand to expand Pettigrew's cheeks to accommodate even more potatoes. The other two Marauders, because that's what they call themselves for Merlin knows what reason, are laughing alongside Black, Remus Lupin looking a bit more concerned for Pettigrew choking than James Potter, who seems engrossed in ensuring Pettigrew's success. "And you'll be with us."

"Pfft, you're no fun," Marlene huffs.

"What's the point of being friends with the Head Girl anyway?" Mary laments, shaking her head dramatically. "Especially one who has no interest in helping her friends get snogged."

"Neither of you needs my help to get snogged," Lily replies tartly. "You're both gorgeous, and any boy at this school would be lucky to have you. I just don't know why you like Black—he's a git, just like—"

"Potter!" Mary and Marlene chorused together, knowing Lily far too well for her own liking.

Lily stares at them, then dissolves into laughter. They join her, the three seventh-year girls shaking with mirth until tears run down their cheeks. Lily catches James Potter's eye, who looks at her quizzically before turning back to Pettigrew and patting him vigorously on the back as he had, indeed, started to choke.

When they've collected themselves, Marlene says, wiping the tears from her eyes, "If Lily had a boyfriend, she'd understand our predicament, Mare."

"I do understand your predicament!" Lily insists. "It's just—my hands are tied on the trip. Professor Dumbledore trusts me to be responsible, and I need his recommendation for the Auror Academy. You both know that! I have to be on best behavior."

"Maybe Potter will take us seriously, Mar," Mary says, jerking her thumb toward the Marauders, who were now hunched around a large piece of parchment secretively, Potter's stolen snitch hovering animatedly above their heads.

"Don't even think about it!" Marlene screeches. "He's Black's best friend—he'll tell him right away."

"Isn't that what you want?" Lily asks innocently. "I can put in a good word for you if you want. Though I'm not sure Potter would let Black go that easily."

Marlene shoots a look at Lily like she wants her to be subject to a dozen Bat Bogey Hexes. "You wouldn't dare."

Lily holds both her hands up in a gesture of surrender. "You got it. Mum's the word."

Mary sighs. "All the same, wouldn't it be nice for us to have a few good snogs before we graduate next summer? I haven't snogged anyone since last spring when I kissed Tommy Wood before graduation."

"Oh, have you heard from Tommy at all?" Lily said, perking up at the mention of their old friend—and Mary's old flame—who had graduated over the summer. "How's his Quidditch recruitment faring?"

"Yes, he wrote me over the summer, telling me all about how he's meeting all kinds of new girls at training camp," Mary replies dully, dropping her chin into her hand and looking very glum indeed.

"Tosser!" Marlene mutters, patting Mary reassuringly on the back and giving Lily pointed look.

Lily sighs. "Sorry, Mare." Mary reaches across the table and gives Lily's hand a squeeze, reassuring Lily that she hadn't spoken out of turn, and that they weren't going to have a row over Lily's supposed insensitivity.

"You'd know never to ask if you'd ever had a boyfriend," Marlene says rudely. "You never ask a girl about her ex-boyfriend, Lil!"

Lily flushes a deep crimson at these words, her face flaming with embarrassment. Because Marlene is right. At the ripe young age of seventeen, Lily Evans had never had a real boyfriend. Never had she felt more aware of it until right this moment, with her two friends staring at her expectantly, and she unable—no, unwilling—to do anything to help them get boyfriends of their own.

But they don't know how I feel, Lily thinks, watching at Mary chides Marlene over her callousness. They don't know about my journals.

She thinks about the three journals stacked inside her school trunk, each dedicated to a different boy that she had obsessed over enough where she filled an entire journal with her innermost thoughts and feelings about them. Once she had filled her first love journal back in second year, she had tied it with a gold ribbon and tucked it away deep into her trunk, feeling at once freed by her ability to write the very same feelings she couldn't express to anyone. She felt released of her feelings, so powerful when they were inside her, clawing to come out, and yet, when she wrote everything down, everything seemed to make sense again. She could move through her days without wondering if the boy she liked could smell her in the Amortentia they were supposed to be brewing in Potions class. She could go to Hogsmeade with her friends without wondering if he'd wanted to ask her to go with him. She could write down everything she felt—the sadness, the joy, the overwhelming sensation when he touched her shoulder—and then put it away and feel completely like herself afterwards.

The journals held a key piece of her. When she harbored a deep, all-encompassing crush, those feelings threatened to overwhelm her, and keeping her journals kept her, well, sane. She never told anyone about them, not even Mary and Marlene, her best friends and fellow Gryffindors since their very first day of school. The two girls thought that, as far as Lily was concerned, Lily had never ever thought about a boy, let alone had such a deep, intense crush on three different ones that she had filled pages and pages with her most private ruminations on their hands.

"Sorry, Lil," Marlene says, offering Lily an apologetic look. "I just want you to have a little fun this year. It being our last year and all."

"It's okay, Marlie," Lily replies with a smile, offering her apology freely and without any terms attached. "I'll have plenty of fun this year with you two. Our last year at Hogwarts—we can get up to plenty of trouble this year without boys!"

"Do my ears deceive me? Is Evans planning on finally getting into trouble this year?" Lily whirls around to see James Potter grinning at her. "What are you going to do, Evans? Not be perfect at Potions? Let the prefects snog on their rounds?"

"Y'know, Potter," Lily says, glaring at him. "You should try to stay out of trouble this year for a change. No one would know what to think."

He grins again, shoving his hands in his pockets sheepishly. "Speaking of, it's time for the prefects' meeting, Evans. I know you forgot with all this talk of getting into trouble without boys—" He paused, looking down at her. Then his eyes went mockingly wide. "Oh! Is missing the prefects' meeting part of the brand new Evans? Watch out everyone—Evan's turning over a newer, naughtier leaf."

Lily hears Marlene's laugh from behind her, but ignores her. "I wouldn't joke about me missing the prefects' meeting if I were you, Potter," Lily says warningly, standing up from her seat and slinging her schoolbag over one shoulder. "Otherwise, you may actually have to do some work."

James clutched his chest dramatically. "You wound me Evans! You know I planned the next Hogsmeade weekend! Give me some credit."

Lily looks at Marlene and Mary, waving in a lackluster sort of way. "See you after the meeting." They wave at her with mischievous looks in their eyes, turning back to one another to no doubt discuss their woeful lack of boyfriends and Lily's complete disinterest in the topic at hand. Lily falls in step next to Potter, walking out of the Great Hall and up the main staircase, heading to the fourth floor classroom that they used for prefects' meetings.

"You know, Evans, if you need someone to show you how to get in trouble—" Potter starts to say.

"I'll ask you if I never need lessons on how to be a complete and total git, Potter," Lily replies, her tone sharp but a small smile played impishly around her lips.

Potter opened his mouth to reply, but a clear voice rang across the room like a siren, interrupting his train of thought.

"James!"

Someone had called Potter's name, and Lily had to bite back a groan as she turned around to see who it was.

Hestia Jones was standing at the bottom of the staircase, her hand on her hip, which she had stuck out suggestively. Potter grinned, starting to jog down the stairs to meet Hestia, who smiled back at him, the smile lighting up her entire bloody gorgeously symmetrical face.

"Hold up, Evans," Potter says carelessly over his shoulder, the grin permanently plastered to his face now as he leans down and gives Hestia a kiss, her arm looping around his neck. Lily tried her hardest not to roll her eyes, opting instead to stare directly at a pair of nervous first years as they pored over what appeared to be a map.

Ugh, Hestia, Lily thinks scornfully. Her former friend. Her dormmate still. Once upon a time, the trio of Lily, Mary, and Marlene had included Hestia and her friend, Alice. The five girls had been inseparable, and Hestia and Lily had been the closest among them, both opting for the other's company, each a complement to the other in more ways than one. While Lily kept her feelings in, opting to write them instead of talking about them, Hestia wore her heart on her sleeve. Lily was talented at Potions and Charms, while Hestia favored the more analytical subjects, Transfiguration and Arithmancy. Lily was Muggleborn, and Hestia showed her the ropes of the magical world.

But then Potter happened.

Since the first day of school, Hestia had harbored a massive and very apparent crush on James Potter, a crush that was obvious to everyone except Potter himself. Hestia went out of her way to run into Potter in the corridors, memorized his library schedule so she could study near him, and even took notes for him in class when he landed himself in the Hospital Wing more than once. Lily, Mary, and Marlene were more than happy to encourage Hestia in her pursuit of Potter, hoping at some point that he would notice and reciprocate her feelings. But that hadn't happened.

Instead, beginning in their fifth year, Potter began to pursue Lily with a single-minded determination that didn't go unnoticed by anyone at the school, least of all Hestia. He asked her out every chance he got, publicly and privately. He bribed other students to let him sit next to Lily in lessons, he sent her a singing telegram on her birthday which may have been the most mortifying moment of Lily's life until that point, he wrote her notes with "Will you go out with me? Check yes or no" written on them, dropping them surreptitiously on her desk as he walked by with Hestia in full view. Lily tried to ignore it, ducking out of sight when he approached, and studiously avoiding discussing the matter with Hestia, who had started similarly avoiding Lily by leaving their dormitory early and returning late, avoiding her three best friends during mealtimes.

Until the week of their O.W.L. exams. Lily cringed thinking back on that week, remembering how Potter had looked at her as he held Severus Snape upside down in the air, asking her out over and over in front of what felt like the whole school until Snape had called her that dreaded word. Severus, whom she had loved, calling her "Mudblood," the word ringing in her ears as she had fled, racing up the stairs as tears coursed down her cheeks to find Hestia in the Gryffindor common room, her stony face showing not an ounce of sympathy for Lily.

"You knew I liked him!" Hestia had yelled at Lily. "I've liked him since first year!"

"I don't know why he's doing this," Lily had cried, pleading with Hestia to understand. "I don't want him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help it! I don't know how to—"

But Hestia had turned her back on Lily that day, storming out of their dormitory and slamming the door behind her, and they hadn't had a single meaningful conversation after that. That night, Lily had found Potter in the common room alone, and she knew he had been waiting for her to come down.

"Evans—" he had said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he gulped nervously. "Evans, I'm so—"

"Listen," Lily had said tersely, and he had tried to interrupt her. "Wait, I want to talk right now. Let me talk." He looked down at her now, his face unreadable. "I want you to leave me alone, Potter. I don't like you at all, let alone like that," Lily had said. "I meant what I said today. You're an arrogant, bullying, toerag, and I will never ever like you that way. Ever. Do you understand?" He had nodded. "You lost me my friends," Lily had said, a sob breaking through her words. "Just leave me alone." He had obliged after that, speaking to her only to discuss schoolwork, and this fall, their Head Boy and Girl duties.

And then, right at the start of sixth year, after Lily, Mary, and Marlene had spent the summer not speaking to Hestia and Hestia not speaking to them, Hestia and Potter had shown up to school hand in hand, snogging in every isolated corner they could find, walking each other to class, studying in the library together, going to Hogsmeade on dates. Hestia cheered for Potter during Quidditch matches, racing down to the pitch when the games were over to jump into his arms, wearing his name on her shirt to impress him. She laughed when he made jokes, and she spent all her time now with his mates, sympathizing with them as they served detention after detention for all the mischief they got into. Potter and his mates were as immature as ever until last term, shortly before the Easter holidays, when something decidedly changed in the Marauders, and especially in Potter.

There were the rumors, of course, that Black and Snape had dueled, and Black had nearly killed Severus in the process. But Severus wasn't in the hospital wing, and none of the Marauders would say a word. Potter became more serious and reserved, and Lily noticed the change in him before it seemed anyone else did. True, he was still gregarious and mischievous, but he had spent the rest of the spring term studying for his exams and on his best behavior, which became even more noticeable when he approached Lily one evening to ask her for her help in Potions.

"What's this about, Potter?" she had asked suspiciously, and he had held out his hands in front of him in a gesture of surrender.

"You're just the best at Potions," he had said. "And I need top marks if I'm going to apply for the Auror Academy."

Lily had scoffed, but helped him nonetheless, not caring if Hestia was watching her teach Potter how to brew a superior antidote. That's when Lily Evans started her third and final love journal—about James Potter. She wrote about how she had noticed how he'd changed. She wrote about how, even though she thought he was a bully all those years, he always defended her against the pureblood mania that was spreading like Fiendfyre across their school. She wrote about how she'd noticed how kind he was to Hestia, how eager he was to learn about Potions from Lily, what a wonderful friend he was, how good he was at Quidditch, how tall he'd gotten, and how Lily wished that she could go back in time and say yes to him when he first asked her out.

When she'd filled that journal, she felt liberated. She put her feelings into the journal, tied the journal up with a gold ribbon, and put it away in her trunk. When she looked at Potter now, she felt nothing akin to the intense feelings she'd felt before. She felt…completely normal around him. The journals were just like that for her—a bit like magic.

Now she's watching as James talked in a low voice to Hestia, whose brow is furrowed in an expression that Lily can't read. Hestia replies to James, something sharp, and James checks his watch, then turns to look at Lily apologetically, who suddenly feels embarrassed that she's waiting for him. She turns to climb the stairs, and is nearly to the fourth floor classroom when she hears Potter jogging lightly behind her.

"Wait up, Evans!" Potter huffs, falling into step next to her.

"Sorry," Lily replies, not certain that she is sorry. "That looked private."

Potter looks embarrassed now, ducking his head so Lily can't see his expression. "It's nothing." But years of being around Potter assures that it's not nothing. She opens her mouth to speak, then thinks better of it and resolves to write it down in the Potter journal later that evening.

They enter the classroom and both take seats behind the enormous oak desk in front of the smattering of desks that in moments, Hogwarts prefects would occupy.

"Have you thought about doing room assignments for the seventh year trip yet?" Potter asks, pulling out a roll of parchment from his bag and a quill.

"A bit," Lily replies. "Don't you think it's too early?"

"Never hurts to be prepared."

Lily goggles at him. "Okay, who are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean—" Lily gestures toward him. "I remember a Potter who would do his Charms essay the hour before class started and who was late to more than his fair share of Dueling Club meetings!"

"Evans, are you ever going notice that I'm a changed man?" he replies, his face serious but a kind of teasing look in his eyes. "You're the only person who still thinks I'm the same idiot who followed you around like a sick puppy all of fifth year."

Lily rolls her eyes. "You may have the whole school fooled, Potter, but nothing gets past me."

Potter laughs now, glancing over as the prefects start trickling in. "I'll convince you, Evans. Just you wait."

Once all the prefects were seated, Lily clears her throat. "Okay, I suppose I'll start. I'm now calling this prefect meeting to order."

This is how these meetings usually went. Lily handed out the new revised patrol schedule, reviewing all the incidents that had been reported by the prefects over the last two weeks, and ensuring that patrols were being done in pairs in case there was ever a need for a prefect to run to get a teacher. Remus Lupin, ever a dutiful prefect and best mate to Potter, always asks a question that makes Potter look good.

"…and finally," Lily says as the hour nears its end, "please take extra precautions on Halloween, which two Mondays from today. We've scheduled for all the prefects, myself, and Potter to be on rounds that evening. I'll brew some Sobering Solution for everyone to take on their rounds. No doubt students will be drinking quite heavily that evening and sneaking out after hours. If anyone is quite sick, please take them to the Hospital Wing and make a report to their Head of House." She turns to Potter. "Anything else you'd like to add?"

Potter grins. "As a matter of fact, I do—"

"Tuh." A rude sound came from one of the prefects, and Lily looks up to see Severus Snape staring hatefully at Potter.

"Have something to say, Sniv—I mean, Snape?" Potter asks coolly, his brown eyes fixed on Severus's own black ones.

Snape's lip curls in a way that Lily recognizes quite easily given that she has known Snape since she they were children, that she considered him her best friend at one time, and that she had loved him enough to also draft an entire journal filled with everything she had felt when they had been friends, and then, when everything went to hell, everything she had felt after what he'd done, how when he'd called her that filthy word, he'd broken her heart. And what I hate most, she had written, is how I would take you back in an instant if you'd just stop being like them.

"No," Snape replies to Potter's taunt. "Just surprised that you've managed to do some of the Head Boy duties this time. There's a first time for everything."

"Yeah, there is," James sneers at Snape. "Don't worry, Snape. Your first time will come soon enough. I'm sure a girl out there will—"

Lily clears her throat loudly, interrupting whatever unkind jab Potter was about to lob back at Snape. The Head Boy glances at her, then ducks his head momentarily. "Right—" he starts again. "Evans and I will be doing the room assignments for the Stonehenge trip before the next prefect meeting. Any special requests can be directed to me or her, and no—" he looks pointedly as Dawn Shacklebolt opens her mouth to ask a question "—we won't be putting boyfriends and girlfriends in the same rooms, so don't even ask."

"Can we be with our mates at least?" Alison Lee, a seventh-year Ravenclaw prefect asks.

Lily nods alongside Potter. "We'll do our best to get you in the same room as your friends," Lily reassures Alison. She glances around the room. "Anything else?" Everyone shakes their heads, starting to gather their bags, and move around. "Okay, well…then this meeting is adjourned."

The prefects file out in small groups as Lily packs up her bag, carefully placing her journal back into the front pocket of her torn old school bag, resolving to finish what she had been writing about her horrible sister, Petunia, when she finished her Transfiguration essay that evening. When she had finally packed up, she swung her eyes up to find herself face to face with Severus Snape.

She gulps, taking a step back, and looking around. The classroom is empty. All the prefect and Potter are gone, and how did she come to be in this situation now? She mentally berates herself for allowing her guard to be lowered, her thoughts preoccupied with Petunia and the disastrous mess that was happening back home in Cokeworth.

"Uh, hi," she says in a low voice. "Did you, um, need something?"

Severus looks eager, trying to tamp down his thrill to finally have caught her alone. "Just wondering if you'd like to work on Slughorn's project together," he asks haltingly. "You know the, er, Veritaserum practical and essay."

"I, er—" she fumbles for words, looking around. "I—can't."

"Why?"

"Because—"

But at that moment, Potter bounds back into the classroom. "Sorry, Evans, I forgot my qu—" His eyes narrow when he sees Snape standing across from Lily with the desk that Potter had sat at moments before. His eyes flick between Lily and Snape, unsubtly trying to gauge the situation into which he had walked. "You alright, Evans?"

"What?" Lily breathes. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just telling Sev—I mean, Severus. I mean, Snape…" She trails off, lost for words.

"Why you can't do the Potions practical with me," Severus prompts, looking at her now with so much expectation—and was that longing?—that Lily had to look away for a moment so she wouldn't pitch forward into his arms.

"Oh, that's easy," Potter replies, strolling up to the desk to collect his quill. "It's because I asked her to do the Potions practical with me. Ready to get our truth on, Evans?"

Lily stares for a moment at Potter, his soft brown eyes and untidy black hair and slightly slanted smile, and realizes what's happening with a start: Potter was rescuing her.

"Yes, that's right." Lily looks over at Snape now, whose lip is curling again at Potter's mere presence. "Yes, Potter and I are partnered together already. You know, being Heads and all."

"Must be nice, Potter," Snape snarls, striding out of the room now. "Never had to be prefect. Guess it pays to be Dumbledore's favorite boy." He spits the rest of the words out and whirls away. Shaking his head, Potter turns to Lily.

"Evans?" he says, inquiring in gentle way that Lily didn't think him capable of, which surprises her. "You alright?"

She looks down at her hands for a moment, and then back up at Potter. "Th—thank you."

Potter sighs, stowing his quill away before looking back up at Lily. "You're not still hanging about with Snivellus are you?"

"What? No. Not after—well, you know, of all people, I mean—"

"I remember."

"I just meant, thank you for, er, helping me. You didn't have to. I'll find another partner for the practical, it's alright. I think Benjy doesn't have a partner yet—"

"For Merlin's sake, just be my partner, Evans!" Potter huffs, canting his head toward the doorway, and they begin walking.

"I thought you'd be with—"

"Nah, she's with Alice," Potter replies easily. "Plus, just between us, Potions isn't her strongest subject. And you know how I need top marks to get into the Auror Academy—you can help me."

"Oh?" Lily tilts her head now as they start up the spiraling staircase that leads to Gryffindor Tower. "And how are you going to help me, Potter?"

"You'll find some way to remedy this situation. You are the-" and now he takes on a deep Scottish brogue "-brightest witch in our year, after all." They both laugh now, partly because of how he said it—exactly like Professor McGonagall, right down to the deep sense of pride in the voice and the way he lifted his chin exactly like their Head of House and Transfiguration professor. Lily feels her stomach twinge a bit, and realizes for the briefest moment that she's actually having fun with Potter, and then her stomach twists guiltily.

"Won't Hestia be angry at you for partnering with me in Potions?"

Potter barely misses a step as they continue their ascent, but he does almost miss it, stumbling a bit but catching himself with the agility that comes with being an athlete. Lily pretends not to notice as Potter ponders her question with a kind of care she had started noticing in him last spring. He opens his mouth, closes it quickly, and then speaks.

"She's pretty much angry at me all the time these days anyway."

Lily tries not to gape, but she can already tell she's not having much success because Potter looks at her face and starts to laugh again. "What?" he says, rubbing the back of his neck shyly. Has she ever seen him shy? She can't remember. She'll have to check her journal to be sure.

"I'm just—I'm just surprised!" Lily sputters indignantly. "You're like…the king and queen of Hogwarts."

"It's not that simple," Potter says quietly now, and Lily sobers quickly. "It's more complicated than that. I—" he glances at Lily again "—I care about her, you know? But sometimes I think she…" He pauses. "She just wants to have a laugh all the time."

"Well, it's a good thing you're the greatest prankster this school has ever seen then."

"Oh, Evans." Potter smiles. "You don't know me at all, do you?"

They've reached the Fat Lady's portrait now, and Potter gives the password ("doxy dung!"). Before Lily can reply, the portrait swings open and Potter clambers inside, greeting by raucous yells that tells Lily that his friends have summoned him and that their conversation is over. She climbs into the common room, too, and is cheered to see Mary and Marlene waving her down from a corner table.

"Where have you been?" Mary hisses as Lily sets her bag down and plops into an empty chair. "The other prefects were back ages ago."

"Oh, I just—got caught up."

"With Potter?" Marlene looks at Lily slyly, who shakes her head.

"No. With, er—Snape."

They look affronted. "Him?!" Mary cries.

"Shhhh! It was nothing."

"Are you hanging about with him again?" Marlene demands. "Have you made up? I know he still likes you! No one would care if you spoke to him again." This was true. While the whole school knew that Potter and his mates had bullied Snape mercilessly that day down by the lake, humiliated him beyond words, and possibly scarred him for life, fewer people knew that Snape had called Lily a slur of the absolute worst kind, and therefore, it would be a nonissue as far as school gossip went if Lily and Snape decided to mend their rift.

But only two people knew that the day before that godawful day down by lake, Lily Evans and Severus Snape had kissed in the Potions dungeon for the first time, and that it had felt to Lily at the time that her life couldn't get much better than that. She loved a boy and what unbelievable luck! He loved her back! She had even said, "I love you," to Severus right after their kiss, and he'd said it back, so gently and with so much care that Lily couldn't imagine he would ever be capable of hurting her to the extent which he did only one day later.

"You know he's a-" Mary lowers her voice dramatically. "Death Eater."

"Shhhhh!" Lily hisses. "Shut up!"

"What? It's not exactly a secret…"

"It's not true," Lily says, impressed with how easily lying suddenly came to her. What else could she lie about? "He told me himself."

"Of course he told you that, he knows you'd never speak to him again if he were one." Marlene rolls her eyes at Lily, and Lily has the sudden urge to smack Marlene upside the head.

"I already don't speak to him. Anyway, how would you even know if he were?" Lily says quietly, not wanting to be overheard. "It's not like they're open about it."

"Lil, this is the problem with you-" Marlene starts to say, then her eyes narrow in the direction of the fireplace. "Well, doesn't she look smarmy?"

Lily turns to see Hestia approach Potter and his mates at the other end of the common room. She looks almost...pleased about something. Nothing at all like how Potter had characterized her earlier on the staircase. Potter stands up now, and follows Hestia, putting his hand in hers, out of the common room.

"Use protection!" Sirius Black shouts before the portrait swings shut again, and the whole common room explodes into laughter.

Lily turns to Marlene. "Really, Marlie? That's the one you want me to set you up with? That one?"

Marlene beams.

---

Later that night, Lily lies in her four-poster in the tower dormitory, her mind going a mile a minute. Her day had felt strange, and she couldn't pinpoint why except that she'd seen both Severus and Potter today, and everything felt very jumbled in her brain all of a sudden. What had Potter meant when he said Hestia was just looking for a laugh all the time? And why, after all this time, had Severus asked Lily to work with him again?

She sighs, looking around the circular room. All the other beds have their curtains drawn except for Mary's, who slept peacefully on her side, her slow, steady breathing lifting the blanket. A sliver of moonlight had fallen over Mary's face, and Lily thinks for a moment that she had never seen Mary look so lovely. This was one of Lily's favorite times of the day, and she would remember them well in the years to come. She smiles sadly, remembering that she only has a few more months of sleeping in the bed next to Mary's in this room where she met these people that she loved with every fiber of her being.

For a moment, Lily hesitates, but then, as quietly as she can, she moves her covers and slips out of bed, the skin on her bare legs goosepimpling immediately at the slight chill in the air. She creeps to the foot of her four-poster bed, where her large maroon trunk lives. With utmost care, she unlatches the trunk and gingerly opens the lid, peeking into it's messy interior. In her classes, Lily might seem like the neat and tidy Head Girl, but here, in the dormitory where she's spent seven years, she let her true self show. Her dirty school clothes are scattered across the carpet, and she knows that when she opens the trunk, she'll have to dig through old quills, rolls of parchment, other books, her backup cauldron, and the debris of seven years of things that she never once bothered to remove. Slowly, with one hand holding open the lid, she reaches the other hand into the trunk, and after a few minutes of rummaging, she finds them. When she feels their smooth, slim spines, she smiles. She knows which one she's looking for by the feel of it, and she pulls the journal out silently, carefully letting the lid of the trunk drop without a sound. In an afterthought, she stuffs her dirty school clothes in the trunk in a halfhearted attempt to neaten her living space.

Once in bed and quill in hand, she waves her wand and the curtains around her four-poster are drawn, hiding Mary's sleeping form from her view. With a slight hitch in her breath, she smooths the dark green cover open, spying the James Potter she had written on the inside cover, and begins to read the first page.

Dear James, it started. She stares. The handwriting is hers, with the looping J, but she feels so far removed from the idea of calling Potter "James" that she has to bite her lip to keep a laugh from spilling out.

I noticed you today. I bet that would make you feel weird if you ever read it. I never used to notice you, but then today, I did. I saw that Peter was struggling to transfigure his teacup into a rat, and you helped him. You did it without him even having to ask. Have you always done that or am I just noticing it now because it's so different from how you used to act?

I watched as you helped Hestia after her bag split and ink got all over her parchment. Do you remember when she got that bad mark in Charms last week? I do, but only because I saw you encourage her and offer to help her with her homework. Are you good at Charms? I realize now that even though I've known you for all these years, I barely know anything about you other than that at one time I found you to be the most bullying bully to ever exist at this school.

Lately, I've been watching you, and you're different. You go someplace when you're not around your mates and you think no one is watching you. Where do you go? Can I come, too?

Lily stares at her words, her heart thudding lightly in her chest. She wrote these words just last spring, when she'd noticed how different Potter was. She turns the pages until she finds an empty one, and starts to write.

Dear James…

She writes and writes, filling up not one or two, but three full pages before she leans back against her soft pillows, breathing lightly. Her mind feels open and clear. She feels….nothing. Contentedly, she closes the journal, replacing the gold ribbon on it, and slips down into the covers again, her fingers stained with ink but her mind blissfully blank. She falls asleep in moments.

It feels like she's awoken by Marlene's scream only moments later.

"There is a rat in this blasted dormitory!" she's yelling, and that sets the others off, all of them bounding back into their beds, screaming. Lily gropes under her pillow for her wand, waved it, and her bedcurtains slid back rather violently. Sure enough, Marlene is standing on her bed, Mary is cowering under the covers, Hestia is trying not to look scared, but failing as she tentatively reaches a toe back down to the floor, and Alice Byrne was looking rather bored as she stared at her ridiculous dormmates.

"What's happening?" Lily says hoarsely. But they can't hear her over their current histrionics. She clears her throat and tries again. "WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HERE?!"

The screaming halts for a moment while Marlene glances at Lily, and then points at the door. "I was just getting up to go to the loo when I saw a bloody huge rat cross the floor and leave under the door." At this, she points accusingly at the door. The door is just a door and does nothing.

"So it's gone?" Hestia mutters from her bed, and sets both her feet down on the carpeted floor. She wiggles her toes experimentally, and then strides across the dormitory into the girls' loo.

"Hey!" Marlene shouts. "I needed that! I have to pee!"

Lily looks over at Mary, who is resisting the urge to laugh, and Lily bites her lip, knowing that if Mary laughs, Lily will burst into giggles as well and that will do simply nothing to improve Marlene's already extraordinarily foul mood.

Later, when Marlene has had a pee and taken a shower and is in a much more jovial state, she's applying her mascara as she asks, "Hey Lil, can I borrow that pink lipstick you wore at my mother's Ministry thing?"

"Of course," Lily replies, from where she's rifling in the wardrobe to look for her polka dot stockings. "I think it's in my nightstand."

Marlene wander over to Lily's bedside table, atop which sits piles of books, scattered quills, multiple discarded glasses of water all stacked together, and countless lipsticks. "How do you live like this?" Marlene mutters, yanking open the equally cluttered and chaotic drawer.

Lily rummages through her wardrobe and tugs out three pairs of stockings, and realizes that none of them are the ones that she wants. Huffing impatiently, she turns to face the room, announcing, "Hey, has anyone seen my—"

What she sees makes her heart plummet. Marlene is holding a slim, black book in her hands while Mary holds a gold ribbon, peering over Marlene's shoulder. They're both reading the book in silence, amazement on their faces. For one long moment, Lily watches as their eyes whiz side to side across the pages of the journal.

"WHAT—ARE—YOU—DOING?" she explodes, bounding across Mary's bed and then her own, snatching the journal from Marlene's hands and slamming it shut with a sharp snap. She grabs the ribbon from Mary furiously. "THAT—IS—PRIVATE!"

Mary and Marlene are staring at Lily, both their eyes bright and guilty. "You," Marlene whispers. "You like—"

"Quiet!" Lily hisses, looking around the dormitory for Hestia. But she had left moments ago with Alice close behind her. It was just Lily, Mary, and Marlene in the dormitory.

"I always thought it would be Snape," Mary says aloud. "I never thought it would be—"

"SHHHHH!" Lily clutches the journal to her chest, her eyes blazing with rage and embarrassment. "SHUT. UP. Just. Shut up, Mary!"

Marlene then starts to laugh. "All this time!" she squeals. "All this time you were just writing…that?" She gestures toward the journal that Lily is now tying very securely with the gold ribbon.

"Marlene," Lily pleads. "Marlene, you cannot tell anyone about this journal. Mary, you, too. It's private. No one can know. No one."

She can't believe this. They read her private words.Words which were private. She felt her heart banging against her ribs, her stomach twisting with rage, and she drops the journal, burying her face in her hands, and sinks to the bed now, trying to hold back the angry tears that were threatening to spill out.

"Oh, Lil," she hears Mary say, and then feels Mary's arms encircle her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Marlene also pats Lily's shoulder, murmuring her own apologies. "Yeah," she says. "I'm sorry! I just…"

"You just what?" Lily snaps, looking up at Marlene now with a steely glint. Marlene reels back—she's never seen that expression upon Lily's normally warm, sweet face, and she gulps anxiously. "You just thought you could read my—my—that was private, Marlene!"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry! It's just that you never—why didn't you ever tell me?" Mary clears her throat, looking pointedly at Marlene. "I mean, why didn't you ever tell us?"

"I—" Lily racks her brain for a moment. Why hadn't she told them? They were her best friends, and here she was, seventeen years old, and still keeping secrets from them. "It's hard to explain, but. I don't really."

"Don't really what?" Mary asks gently, now rubbing Lily's back reassuringly.

"I don't really like him," Lily says in a low voice.

"Wait—what?"

"What about what you wrote in the diary?"

"It's a journal, for your information!" Lily snaps again. "And it's…complicated. I didn't think you'd understand. I felt—confused by him. That's all."

"Lily, you wrote almost half a book filled with everything you feel about him!" Marlene interjects.

"Well, I was very confused, now wasn't I?"

The three girls exchange significant looks, and Lily can tell that Mary and Marlene are having a mental battle over who should speak first.

"Lily, if he knew—" Mary starts.

"He mustn't! Promise me you won't tell him—or anyone. Promise me!"

"But Lily!" Marlene protests. "He is obsessed with you. If he knew for one second that you felt even a fraction of this way, he would ditch her and come flying to you."

Lily looks into Marlene's eyes, so dark that they're almost black, and she knows that Marlene wants Lily's happiness so wholly that Lily feels overcome by the sudden wave of adoration that washes over her. Marlene would do anything for Lily, and Lily knows that.

"I know," Lily says quietly. "And that is why you mustn't tell anyone about this journal."

Marlene nods now. Mary does the same. Lily breathes in a sharp breath of relief. "There's more," she says, and both her friends turn to attention once more. "I don't really…like him like that. I just—write about how I feel so that I don't…like him."

They both look perplexed, but Lily continues. "They're like if I put my feelings in a box and put them away. I can keep them in there, and there, they'll stay and not eat me up inside. I need to keep them in there so I don't just…explode!"

"But-" Marlene says gently. Lily glares at her again. Marlene relents. "I won't tell him. I promise."

Lily breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

As they walk down to breakfast, Lily spies Potter and Hestia in the Entrance Hall, having what looks to be a Very Serious Discussion. She feels Marlene tense up next to her, and she reaches out to squeeze Marlene's hand, partly to thank her for her discretion and partly to remind her that she had indeed agreed to never tell another soul about Lily's journal. And Lily would never, ever tell Mary or Marlene about the other journals.

They sat down at the Gryffindor table, Marlene and Mary on one side, and Lily facing them. Alice, who usually sat with Hestia and the Marauders for mealtimes, scoots in next to Lily. "Can I sit here?" she asks, and Lily's stomach drops for a moment. Does she know? Did she overhear? Was she just outside the door?

"Sure," Marlene says. "Where's Jones?" Since Hestia and Lily's falling out, Marlene and Mary had iced Hestia out, choosing Lily in the end. Alice, who had always been Hestia's friend, had ended up being collateral damage, and their relationship with her had remained cordial, if a bit frosty.

"Having a row with Potter in the Entrance Hall," Alice grumbles. "Lily, could you pass the sausages?"

Mary's eyebrows go up, so far up that Lily thinks just a slight raise and she could touch her hairline. "What are they rowing about?" Marlene asks. Lily can tell she is trying to sound nonchalant.

"Tell you the truth, I don't know what they're not rowing about these days," Alice replies, spearing a sausage with her fork and taking a thoughtful bite. "All they do is bloody row and shag."

Lily couldn't help it—she laughed. "Never a dull moment with those two," she chuckles, and Mary and Marlene nod in agreement, smiling widely.

Alice just shakes her head in a morose sort of way. "Don't tell her I said anything," she says warningly, and almost as if on cue, Hestia walks into the Great Hall and makes a beeline for Alice.

"Can we talk?" she asks. Glancing around, she sees whom Alice is sitting with. "In private?" Alice nods, standing up and swinging her back over her shoulder. Lily wants to say something, but she knows Hestia doesn't want to hear from her so she stays quiet, staring forcedly at her

"Bye, Alice," Marlene says. Alice waves lightly before following Hestia out of the Great Hall. She turns to Lily and Mary. "What in Merlin's pants is going on?!"

"Mar," Lily groans. "Please. Enough about Merlin's pants."

"Yes, Mar, we don't want to hear some old sod's pants, please," Mary agrees, jabbing a piece of toast toward Marlene.

"I suppose I can't say What in Professor Slughorn's pants is going on then?"

Lily and Mary burst into giggles, and Lily knows without a doubt that she can trust these two with her secrets, and she begins to wonder why she never told them in the first place.

It isn't until breakfast two days later that the news hits the Hogwarts student body like the Knight Bus barreling through Diagon Alley.

Mary and Lily sit together in their usual spot, in the middle of the long Gryffindor table right where there is a huge burn mark from when Hestia knocked over a Never Out Candle, reviewing their Transfiguration homework. Unlike Lily and Marlene, Mary has a knack for Transfiguration. "I was good at maths in primary school," she had told them once. When they had stared at her, she replied, "What? Transfiguration is just a lot of maths."

"I'll take your word for it," Marlene had murmured and yanked Mary's essay toward her to do some "light plagiarizing" as she liked to call it.

Today, Mary is explaining Gamp's Law to Lily. "So you can't make food? But you can make more food if you have some food?" Lily asks, scribbling furiously. "I get that, but why?"

"It's science," Mary explains. "You can't make something out of nothing."

A dark red curl has escaped Lily's bun, and she pushes it back impatiently. "Then what is the point of the Statute of Secrecy? If we can't solve world hunger or give everyone money or bring people back from the de—"

"Guess. What." Marlene drops into the seat across from them, looking flush. Mary and Lily exchange looks. They know what's coming—Marlene knows something and is positively dying to share.

"You've finally agreed to give Martin Midgen a shot?"

"You saw Filch starkers this morning?"

"Ah. You've finally shagged Black!"

Marlene rolls her eyes. "Ha ha," she says mirthlessly. "Fine, I won't tell you then." She looks as if she may possible implode with the force of a dying star if she doesn't tell someone whatever she knows at once.

"Okay, fine. What is it?" Lily sets down her parchment and leans in toward Marlene to listen.

Marlene looks up and down the table carefully, and then scans the rest of the Great Hall before speaking in a carrying whisper. "Potter and the she-devil broke up!"

"What?"

"When?"

"How do you know?"

"When?"

Marlene leans back, looking thrilled with this turn of events, where Lily and Mary are rapt with attention.

"In the dormitory this morning! I was in the loo, and I think they thought I was gone. Alice was asking if that wench was going to some party on Halloween with Potter, and she said, 'No, because we broke up!'" Marlene ends on a squeal. Lily and Mary are captivated by her storytelling. They both lean in further. Marlene takes a deep breath, clearly enjoying the attention they're giving her, and continues. "And then she said she's met someone else! Some bloke who graduated last year."

"Who?"

"She wouldn't say." Marlene shrugs and takes a bite out of a piece of toast. "Alice asked a few times, but she just said she doesn't want to tell anyone yet but that he works at the Ministry and that they've been seeing one another since—get this—over the summer holidays."

Mary claps a hand over her gaping mouth. "She cheated on Potter? After all that?!"

Marlene nods smugly. "After allllll that. She just…cheats on him with some older guy."

"But they seemed—" Lily trails off for a moment, remembering something she wrote in her Potter journal. You're kind to Hestia, and you give her the kind of attention that she needs. You hold her hand and kiss her whenever you see her. Once, you touched her hair right before you left for Quidditch practice, and I wonder how it would feel if you touched my hair.

"—strong," Lily finishes lamely. "They seemed very strong."

Mary and Marlene are wearing identical confused looks. "Helloooo?" Mary waves a hand in front of Lily's face. "Did you or did you not hear Alice say all they do is row and shag just this week?"

"Oh yeah…" Lily trails off.

"You know what this means," Marlene says, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively at Lily.

Mary pretends to have gone temporarily deaf, and Lily rolls her eyes.

"I don't feel that way about Potter, Mar," she says, more defensively than she would have likes. "I just want to make sure that whatever happens, Potter doesn't get distracted from Head duties. With Halloween coming up—and now that we know there's an illegal party going on—"

"Lily," Marlene implores. "Come on. You cannot be seriously thinking about being Head Girl right now. Potter. Is. Single."

"I don't like him!"

"You know what I think is weird," Mary interjects, trying to change the subject. "Hestia basically ditched all of us because Potter didn't like her, but then she goes and cheats on him. What is that about?"

"Beats me." Marlene says this to Mary, but her eyes are fixed on Lily.

"What?" Lily finally says after Marlene's motionless stare starts to give Lily the creeps.

"I don't believe you," Marlene finally says in a whisper. "I don't believe that you don't like him. Let me read the rest of that diary."

"I told you, it's a journal!"

"What were you writing in the one on Tuesday? Another book about Potter?"

"No! That one was about…my sister." Lily's face purples now, and she looks down into her lap. The girls know a bit about Petunia Evans, Lily's older sister who is due to get married over the Christmas holidays. What they didn't know is that Petunia had written to Lily and asked her to not attend the wedding. I want to make a good impression on Vernon's family, is what her letter said. And Lily hadn't replied to the letter, instead wondering, What about our family?

"Oh." There is an awkward silence.

"Well," Mary breathes. "Time for Transfiguration. Better get walking."

"Oh, bollocks!" Marlene exclaims. "I forgot to write my essay about the five exceptions to Gamp's Law. Mare, can I—"

But Mary was already handing Marlene her essay with a resigned look on her face.

---

The next day, Lily awakens with pillow to her face.

"Wha-?" she mumbles, shoving the pillow away and trying to burrow back into the warm covers.

"Wake up, you bloody slob." Marlene's voice broke through Lily's consciousness like a Bludger to the head.

Lily cracks open one eye to see Mary and Marlene each sitting on their tidy, made beds, and two small house elves scurrying about the dormitory. Lily sits bolt upright, her eyes widening as she watched their small heads and batlike ears bob up and down as they collected Lily's scattered belongings. She gapes. In her entire seven years here, she has never seen any evidence that there are actual house elves living at Hogwarts.

"What the-? How?"

"We called in reinforcements," Mary explains. "How you can be Head Girl and be so untidy is beyond my comprehension."

"Well, Potter is untidy, and he's Head Boy," Alice says from her vanity, where she is braiding her hair. Lily looks around; Hestia is nowhere to be found.

"Pardon, miss," says one of the elves, and Lily marvels at their voices. "But do you have any other washing that needs to be done?"

"Er—yes," Lily replies, pointing to her trunk. "Just in there." With a wave of her wand, she unlocks the trunk, and the house elf dives in, tossing out Lily's laundry one item at a time. Lily watches in half fascination, half horror as the elf digs out worn socks, knickers, and all manner of clothes until there is a mountain of dirty laundry that is taller than the house elf itself.

"Clean the whole lot," Marlene says carelessly.

"Marlene!" Lily admonishes.

Marlene looks a bit guilty, adding, "Please," at Lily's glare.

The second house elf snaps their long fingers and all the contents of Lily's trunk vanish.

"Hey!" she cries, jumping out of bed now, not minding that she wasn't wearing pajamas on the bottom half of her body. "My stuff!"

"Not to worry, miss," the house elf says reassuringly. "We'll return everything, but we just want to scrub the trunk." Lily peers down into the trunk, and sure enough, there is a layer of dirt and grime at the bottom of the trunk that makes her wrinkle her nose.

"Okay," she says, flopping back down into her bed. "Okay, fine."

"Oh no you don't!" Mary says, leaping off her bed. "Let's go! It's Quidditch in an hour, and I want breakfast!"

Lily groans again. "I forgot it's the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match today." She flops back onto the unmade bed, kicking her legs up in the air in mild protest. "I'm so tired. I just want to sleep all day."

"You can sleep after the match," Marlene says. "Go take a shower and meet us in the Great Hall. It's going to be the best match of the year."

"Not if we lose," Lily mutters, swinging her legs back up and jumping off the bed. The smaller house elf takes advantage of her getting up to snap their fingers again, and all the bedclothes are gone. Lily sighs, knowing that now she simply cannot feign taking a shower and going back to sleep after her friends leave.

When she steps into the shower, the stream of hot water invigorates her. She stands still under the spray for a few minutes, thinking back to the chaos and stress of the last week. Next week will be normal, she reminds herself firmly. She takes ten more minutes to wash her riotous curls and scrub her skin, then dries off and dresses in the only jeans that the house elves left behind, her maroon trainers, and her Gryffindor jumper. With a flick of her wand, she dries her hair and yanks on a maroon and gold hat with the Gryffindor lion emblazoned on the front. Throwing a jacket over her arm, she raced down to the Great Hall where Marlene and Mary were chatting amicably about the upcoming match.

"If they beat us, though—"

"Yeah, then our ranking goes down, but we're number one right now so—"

"So we'll be number…two?"

"That depends on the points," Marlene explains patiently. Lily and Mary, both Muggleborns, had never much understood Quidditch or how the team rankings worked, but they luckily had Marlene to shed some light on the hundreds of different fouls that were possible in the sport. "But we won't lose. We've got Smith, who's the best Seeker this school has seen in about a decade, and Potter on Chaser."

"And Black," Lily adds, plopping herself down and reaching for the toast tray.

"And Black," Marlene agrees, her cheeks reddening.

"What are our chances of winning the House Cup if we lose?" Mary asks, turning to Marlene again.

Already bored with this conversation, Lily zones out, looking around the Great Hall as students filter in, clustered in their respective cliques. Her gaze falls to the Slytherin table, and there's Severus sitting with his tragic little friend group. Avery and Mulciber flank Severus on either side, and Lily feels a wild surge of rage well up inside her. She flicks her eyes away for a moment, only to draw back when Severus mutters something and both Avery and Mulciber sneer cruelly. At one time, Lily would have done anything to be included in Severus's friend group, to be next to him all the time. At one time, I loved you, she had written. I think I still do. But did you ever love me? You told me that it didn't make a difference that I was Muggleborn. Why does it matter now?

Snape glances up, and meets Lily's eyes. She resists the desire to look away, boring into his black eyes with her own bright green ones, reminding him that she, too, knows him. Telling him, without words, that if he wanted her back, all he had to was return to her and leave them behind. She would accept his apology. She would welcome him back and defend him and fight for him. All he had to do was really, sincerely ask.

And then he tears his eyes from hers, turning back to Mulciber, and she knows that he won't. Her eyes trail over the Ravenclaw table where their Quidditch team huddles together under one of the blue and silver banners. They're not in uniform yet, but each of the seven players holds a broomstick. She look down the Gryffindor table now, and sees their own Quidditch team huddled together with Quidditch Captain Potter pointing at a parchment in the center of their huddle. He's speaking in a low voice, looking intently at Hera Smith, the sixth-year Seeker that Marlene had mentioned earlier, and Lily had to admit that she found it unlikely that Gryffindor could lose. She remembered the match last spring, the one that Potter and Black had to sit out because they were in trouble, and how Hera had caught in the Snitch in the first twenty minutes of the game, setting Gryffindor on the path to a House Cup victory.

Potter looks up for a moment, and catches Lily looking at him. He grins at her, fleetingly, and then turns his attention back to the parchment, looking serious once more. She doesn't look away, observing the looks on the other players' faces. Sirius Black looks spellbound by Potter, and Hera Smith is focusing with such intensity that she has wrinkle in between her eyebrows. The other two Chasers, Blake Johnson and Adele DiBruno, were nodding now as Potter directed some instructions at them. The rest of the team, Beater Harold Sterling and Keeper Layla Ekram, were nodding along with Potter, a slight smile on their faces. Lily is overcome by the keenest feeling, as if she wished she were on the team just so she could see Potter be a leader, be there to have him clap her on her shoulder and wish her luck. He has a kind of shine to him, Potter, she realizes, only it doesn't dim those around him. It has the opposite effect, where those around him seem more radiant, more confident, more cared for because he cares about them. Lily wonders how it would feel to constantly be in that aura, and she realizes with a start that she was there once, and she felt none of the warmth that she feels now. Something had changed with Potter. She wondered if she'd find out before they graduated, if perhaps she could ask him as they did rounds one night. Would he tell her?

Lily finishes her toast and starts on another, now turning her gaze back to Marlene and Mary, who are now discussing the hot topic of the month: Potter and Hestia's breakup.

"Where is she anyway?" Lily asks, looking up and down the table. Hestia's distinctive blonde hair is nowhere to be seen, and she sees Alice having breakfast a little ways down the table, alone.

"Oi, Alice!" Marlene calls at the same time that Mary hisses, "No!"

Alice looks up, rolls her eyes, then walks over to join the three girls.

"Where's your mate?" Marlene asks pointedly. "Not going to the match."

"I've no earthly idea where she's gone off to," Alice responds, but they know she knows.

"Hmmm, odd," Mary comments. "She usually comes to Gryffindor matches at least."

"Well, that's because of Potter. And that's not a thing any longer, now is it?"

"Come off it! They'll be back together by the end of the match," Marlene scoffs.

Alice looks dubious, shrugging. She glances over at Potter now and her brows furrow. "He doesn't look a bit bothered, does he? It's almost like it didn't happen."

"You know Potter," Marlene says. "He could be struck with Avada Kedavra, and it would basically roll off his back."

Lily silently agrees.

Gryffindor wins the match, three hundred and seventy to one hundred twenty. Potter scored four goals, Black got a great shot at the Ravenclaw Seeker, but the match was close and Hera Smith, the greatest Seeker the school's seen in decades, sits now on the shoulders of Potter and Black in the Gryffindor Common Room, being lauded as the heroine of the entire match. Potter's even conjured her a scarlet sash to wear that reads "World's Greatest Seeker." Hera is laughing in between slugs of what appears to be firewhiskey, and Lily thinks that as Head Girl, she should stop the sixth year girl before she gets too sloshed.

"Aw, let her have her fun!" Marlene says loudly in Lily's ear, accurately reading Lily's thoughts.

"How'd you—?"

"Lily Clementine Evans," Marlene says in a bossy sort of way. "I know you better than anyone."

"Evans! Your middle name is Clementine?" Remus Lupin exclaims, swinging an arm around Lily's shoulders and giving her a little shake. Potter looks over now, and when he sees Remus teasing Lily, wears an expression on his face that Lily can't quite read, but it's pleasant and Lily feels warm inside watching as Potter and Black set Hera down only for her to be lifted back into the air by Sterling and Johnson.

Lily laughs, sipping her butterbeer as the raucous festivities around her grow wilder by the minute, all her thoughts of a post-match nap gone as she dives into a conversation with Remus, easily her favorite of the Marauders. Remus, who became a prefect with Lily in their fifth year, used to be a shy sort of boy, but soon enough became friends with Potter and Black, who, along with Peter Pettigrew, became the Marauders.

"Have you thought about what you're going to do after school?" Remus asks over the noise.

Lily nods. "I'm trying for the Auror Academy! We'll see. They're very selective. I have to have top marks on almost everything!"

"You're top in our class," Remus says. "You won't have any trouble."

"What about you?"

"Oh, you know—this and that. Thought about teaching maybe."

Right then, Sirius Black approaches, slinging his arm around Remus's shoulders and declaring, "Us and the lads are getting a flat together in London!" Sirius is positively shouting now. "We're not getting jobs. Jobs are for tossers."

"Spoken like someone who's never needed a job," Mary teases.

"Oh, stuff it, McDonald," Black says. Mary feigns offense, and they go back and forth for a bit before Marlene speaks up.

"Where in London?"

"Not sure yet," Remus replies. "We—"

"—are the champions!" Now Potter interjects, holding a bottle of some amber liquid in one hand and singing. "Of the worlddddddd."

Lily and Mary stared at him. "How do you know that song?" Mary blurts out. "That's a Muggle song!"

"Prongs here—" Sirius pats James's chest "—is a rather big fan of Muggle music. Got the record owled here courtesy of his parents."

"Does it work?" Lily asks. "On school grounds I mean?"

"'Course it works, Evans!" Potter exclaims, taking another swig of his drink. "How would I know the words if it didn't work?"

"But you're Pureblood," Marlene says rudely. Lily looks over at her, and she's clearly drunk quite a bit, also. Is Lily the only one who isn't completely tossed? She makes a mental note to give Marlene a Sobering Solution later on.

"Well spotted, McKinnon," James replies, his eyes narrowed. "And so are you."

"And so am I!" Sirius shouts. "And so's my tosser brother."

"Lily's got a tosser for a sister, too," Marlene jokes, pointing at Lily now. "You could give her some pointers."

"Oh, have you, Evans?" Sirius leans in. "You want my best advice on dealing with a tosser sibling?"

Lily feels a twinge of annoyance at Marlene for bringing up Petunia, but she leans in toward Black anyway. "Sure."

"FUCK 'EM!" he shouts, and everyone laughs now. Lily looks around—all her housemates appear to be here, and no one looks like they are in any danger of dying or wreaking irreparable havoc to the Common Room. What harm could having a few drinks do?

Several long hours later, as the sky darkens outside, Lily is drunkenly playing an increasingly more dangerous game of Exploding Snap with Mary, Marlene, and the Marauders. She's already singed the ends of her hair a bit, and Marlene is nursing two burnt fingers on her left hand. Mary is winning.

"How is she doing this?" Potter exclaims after Mary won yet another round. "Are you a Seer?" He looks at her accusingly.

Mary laughs. She's sooooo drunk, Lily thinks, then I'm so drunk! Mary's cheeks are flushed, her eyes bright and filled with trouble. Lily herself feels a bit reckless and wild, and she's certain that's the effect of the firewhiskey that Pettigrew had procured for her from his robes pocket. "I'm just faster than you, Potter!" Mary shouts as the cards start shuffling faster and faster. Marlene is laughing hysterically, sitting on a small sofa right next to Sirius. They're a cute couple, Lily thinks, gazing fondly at them until, all of a sudden, Sirius reaches out in a dash like he's swatting a fly and hits a card with the tip of his wand.

The card explodes, but not in enough time for Sirius to pull his hand away. The explosion gets his hand good, and he yelps in pain, yanking his arm back and cradling his hand to his chest.

"Bollocks!" he cries. "Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"You hurt, Padfoot?" Peter says, swaying slightly in his seat. Lily can't tell if she's doing it, but she feels like she might be swaying, too. She's never been this drunk before. Where was that Sobering Solution? Had she kept it in her trunk? She tries to remember where she last saw it, but is failing spectacularly. Maybe the house elves could help her learn how to organize her room better.

Sirius is now showing the group his hand, which sports a shiny new burn.

"You should let Marlene help you with it," Lily offers, hiccupping slightly. "She's a good Healer."

Marlene narrows her eyes at Lily, but shrugs. "I'm alright, I suppose. Lily's the Potions whiz here—she can get you fixed up in no time. She probably has the potion in her trunk upstairs—if she can find it."

"Yeah, but I'm not the one who fancies Black, Mar," Lily blurts out. Almost immediately, she realizes what she's done. The others titter nervously, but Potter is grinning like a lunatic.

"McKinnon! You fancy my mate here?"

"Shut up, Prongs," Peter, Remus, and Sirius say in chorus, trying their best not to mortify Marlene even further.

Lily isn't sure why she does it. Later, she blames it on the alcohol she's consumed, but right here, in this moment, she says, "She's fancied him since first year."

"Lily!" Mary hisses. "Stop."

This makes the scene even more awkward, and Lily feels like she's watching herself say these words to Sirius and Potter and Remus and Peter. As if from far away, she sees Marlene stutter out a, "No, she's just drunk!" But then the game is over, and Marlene is standing up. Lily tries to stand, too, but starts to fall over.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Potter says, now rising to grab Lily's elbow to steady her. Marlene has disappeared all of a sudden, and Lily glances around to see her dark hair whip up the stone steps that go to the girls' dormitory.

"Oh no," Lily groans, and as she stands up, the room swirls around her and she puts a hand to her stomach, which is roiling with the firewhisey and the game and the journals and Severus and Hestia and the Potions project. "I think I'm going to be sick."

And with that, she vomits all over Potter.

---

When Lily rouses, it's quite different from the morning before. This time, she opens her eyes—or eye—on her own, and she's lying in her four-poster with the curtains shut, only a tiny sliver of sunlight peeking through.

She tries to open both eyes with moderate success, but then immediately squeezes them shut. Her head is pounding. She remembers last night—the Quidditch match, the Exploding Snap, the firewhiskey. She groans, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand. She hears nothing from her roommates, and then her eyes widen. Marlene.

She remembers now, how she drunkenly divulged Marlene's big secret to everyone, how Marlene had stormed upstairs, how Lily had got sick all over Potter. She sits upright, ignoring her pounding head, and wrenches open the curtains. Two pairs of dark eyes stare at her. Mary and Marlene are sitting together, on Mary's bed. It's clear Marlene has been crying—her eyes are bloodshot.

"Mar—" Lily croaks, swinging her legs over the side of her bed and stumbling clumsily out, the sheets tangling around her feet, causing her to pitch forward.

"Arresto Momentum!" she hears Mary say, and it feels like she's paused inches above the ground for minutes, but it's less than a second. Then she collapses lightly. Immediately, she scrambles up and crosses the few feet across their bed.

"Mar," Lily whispers. "I'm so…sorry. I'm so so sorry."

"Thought you'd get back at me for reading you little diary, didn't you?" Marlene says nastily.

"It's a—" Lily pauses. This is not the time for arguing. This is the time for groveling. "Marlene, it wasn't about that at all, I promise. I messed up! I'll tell them I was just joking, that it was just a joke."

"It's too late for that, Lily!" Mary cries, her voice shrill. Lily is taken aback. Mary normally does not take sides in arguments like this; this is how Lily knows how badly she has messed up.

"It's not. I can just go and tell Potter—he'll tell Black—it'll all be fine," Lily starts looking for her pajama bottoms and dressing gown, turning around to look at the floor where she knew she left them. But they weren't there.

Ah. The house elves. They had done her washing and put away her things. But where?

"It doesn't work that way," Marlene says coldly. "They all know now that I fancy Black, and you should have seen his face." She looks mad enough to spit fire now. "Now I know he'll never like me like that."

"He does like you," Lily insists, flipping open her trunk lid and searching for pajama bottoms. "Last night, he was sitting next to you, and talking to you!"

"And it was going great!" Marlene snarls. "Until you had to—"

"Marlene, I was drunk. I'm sorry! I've never been drunk like that before. I didn't even know what I was saying." Finally! Lily spots her dark green pajama bottoms, and begins to yank them on. "I'll go down and set it right."

"Don't bother," Marlene sniffs. "He's completely not interested, and I'm humiliated." She stands up and storm to the door of the dormitory.

"Marlene, don't go!" Lily says, pleading. "Please, let's just fix this. I know we can."

"Just leave me alone, Lily." She turns to the door, opens it, and leaves. Mary stands up now, too.

"Don't tell me you're angry at me, too," Lily mutters.

"I'm not," Mary replies. "But I think I should be with Marlene right now."

Lily hangs her head in shame, then feels Mary give her a quick hug. "I gotta go," Mary says. "Mar will be okay. Just give her…some time to cool off." Mary sniffs Lily. "You should, er, consider a shower before going down."

Lily nods, watching Mary's brown ponytail swing away. She turns away, trying not to cry. The clock reads 11 am. Sighing, she undresses and steps into the shower, letting the hot water cascade over her as she lets herself cry a few tears.

This was not she and Marlene's first fight. Nor would it be their last. Being friends for seven years, and living together for much of that time almost guaranteed that the girls had the occasional disagreement. What feels different this time around is…Mary. In all the years they've been friends, Mary has never taken a side when Lily and Marlene have gone at it. Lily and Marlene have not been as gracious, easily picking a side when Mary has been involved in a disagreement. But outside of the falling out with Hestia, Mary has been firmly in the middle.

Lily sighs as she dresses, peering at newly reorganized wardrobe and trunk. All her jumpers had been hung with care in the wardrobe, her school skirts folded neatly in stacks underneath them. She opens one of her drawers to find her bras, knickers, socks, and stockings all neatly arranged. Then, she remembers the journals, her panic as the house elves disappeared all her belongings. She goes to her trunk, lifting the lid and peering inside. Her extra school supplies, books, and some clothes have been carefully arranged in here. The inside of the trunk smells like lavender, and Lily makes a mental note to find out the house elves' names and write them thank you notes. She reaches in, pushing an old Herbology text aside, and sees them. Four identical black journals that she'd purchased from a Muggle shop in Cokeworth. They were the among the least magical things she owned, and yet, they felt like magic to her. She slid one out—the one she had never finished last week, and sighed, pressing it open to where she had finished.

Now she was in a fight with her sister and Marlene. Great, she thinks. Perfect. Seventh year going swell. My sister uninvited me to her wedding, and my best friend is furious with me. She sighs, thinking she'll maybe go to the library and start researching her Potions project. Slowly, she packs her school bag, dawdling a bit and hoping that Marlene will come back and forgive her. After a few minutes, Lily realizes she's being ridiculous and swings her bag over her shoulder, tucks her wand in her back pocket, and leaves the dormitory.

She doesn't see any of the Marauders in the common room, and in fact, she sees hardly anyone. Peeking out of a large portrait window, she realizes that the weather is gorgeous, and most people are probably outside, enjoying their Sunday before the start of classes again tomorrow. She feels more pathetic than ever and speeds up, crossing into the library at a pace that made Madam Bollier, the ancient librarian, frown. Lily makes a beeline for her usual spot under the stained glass window of the knight kneeling before a king, but as she approaches, she comes to find it occupied.

"Oh!" she exclaims. Severus Snape is sitting right under the kneeling knight. He turns around in his seat before she can hide.

"Oh." He stares at her a moment, and then smiles. "I forgot this is your spot."

"No, no, it's fine," Lily stammers, backing away. "You have it. There's lots of space. I—I can—I'll just—go. Somewhere, er, else. Sorry." She turns on her heel, her face flaming with humiliation.

"Lily!" Severus calls, and she doesn't know why she does it, but she turns to face him. "We can…study together."

"Er…no," she replies. "No, I don't want to disturb you. I have Potions research and—"

"I have all the books on Veritaserum." Severus gestures to the table, and indeed, he has a large stack of what looks like nearly every reference book they could ever need to do this term's project.

Lily hesitates, and she knows that Severus sees that. "Please?" he says quietly. Something inside her relents.

"Yeah, ok." She sets her bag down, pulling out her Potions binder and a quill.

For nearly an hour, they work in silence, the only sound the scratching of quills and the turning of pages. Lily sits next to Severus, but each is fully absorbed in the words on the pages of the book. Finally, Severus lets out a deep sigh, pushing his book away and leaning back in his seat, stretching his long arms overhead. Lily glances over at him, and for the briefest moment, she can remember what it was like to be his friend.

"This is…" he starts to say.

"—going to be impossible," Lily finishes, and they share a laugh.

"I dunno what Slughorn is thinking giving us a potion that takes full month to brew."

"Making sure we all pass our N.E.W.T.s, that's what."

"He's mad."

"Yeah, but he's always been like that."

It feels good to be back with Severus this way, like it used to be. They banter easily, periodically trading notes, and Lily feels a surge of affection for him. Maybe he was coming back to her. Maybe this would be it, and her future could look how she always imagined it to be. She imagines falling back in love with Severus, not hiding what she felt in a journal that he would never read, graduating with him at her side. He had understood her, and when she no longer had Petunia, he had been her companion when she went over the summers and holidays, too. It could still be that way, she thinks as she says something that makes him laugh.

When the lanterns above their heads turn on, Lily looks surprised. It has been hours. She peers outside the stained glass window and the sky outside is dark.

"I should go," she says, her stomach giving a huge grumble. She hasn't eaten anything since yesterday, she realized. She wonders if Marlene is still angry at her. Who will she sit with at dinner?

"I'll walk with you." Severus gets up too, waving his wand at the huge stack of books that levitate off the table, and float away slowly toward Madam Bollier's desk. He turns to her; she turns to leave, but then feels his hand on hers and now he's pulling her back toward him.

He reaches out to grasp her other hand, and pulls her in. She can't breathe all of a sudden, and they stand there in silence, Lily looking directly into his black eyes and remembering a time when she would have given anything to stand with him like this.

"We can still be together," Severus says in a low voice. "I'm sorry for what I said. What I did."

"Sev—" she whispers, and he closes his eyes, relishing the way that his name sounds in her mouth. "Sev, you called me a—"

"I know," he says quickly. "I know. That was a mistake. I said I was sorry, and I still am. Lily—" His hand slide up her arms, slip up her shoulders, and he cradles her face so gently. She closes her eyes for a moment, relishing his touch. It had been so long since he'd held her. Since she'd let him hold her.

"Are you still trying to—" She looks deep into his eyes. "—join him?"

"If I said no, would you like me again?" There was some mirth in his voice, but Lily shook her head.

"Tell me the truth. Everyone says you're a—"

"I'm not."

"Not ever or not yet?"

He drops his hands now, and the loss of contact makes her want to fall through the floor. He reaches up, rubbing his temples. "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing," she says, realizing that what she wanted from him would never come. She couldn't spell it out for him; he had to come to that realization on his own. "Nothing at all." She turns away to leave again, tears threatening to fall, when he grabs her wrist, turns her around, and kisses her.

For a fraction of a second, she lets him kiss her, relishing the feeling of his familiar mouth on hers, and then she pulls away. "Don't." She's shaking now, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Don't do that. It's not fair."

She turns on her heel and flees, ignoring Madam Bollier shouting at her to not run in the library, racing down the corridor, down five flights of stairs, out of the huge oak doors, and down the stone steps leading to the wide lawn. She runs until she can't run anymore, collapsing under a tall tree at the edge of the Black Lake. The tears never fall, but she still takes great shuddering breaths as the last of the light in the sky goes out. She's not sure how long she sits there.

"Evans?"

Ugh.

"Are you stalking me, Potter?"

"You sure that's how you want to talk to me after you were sick on me last night?"

Lily groaned, covering her eyes with her hands. "Did I ruin your clothes?"

Potter laughed, and the sound was a welcome one. Lily struggled to stand, and he walked over, putting out a hand to help her up. "Nah, you didn't ruin anything," he says collegially. "How're you feeling today?"

"I had a Hangover Potion, but I'm afraid I haven't got a potion for how angry I made Marlene."

Potter laughed even harder now as they walked across the lawn toward the twinkling lights of the castle. "Oh that. Don't worry about that. Padfoot will fix that no problem."

Lily gapes at him, his gigantic grin apparent even in the darkness. "You mean—he fancies her, too?" She feels a leap of joy. Maybe she hadn't screwed things up with Marlene after all!

Potter shrugs. "He's never said outright, but we always suspected. She's the most attractive girl in our year, you know, McKinnon."

"Don't let Hestia hear you say that," Lily jokes. Potter stiffened, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Oh, sorry." Lily feels like an arse. "Have I made it awkward?"

"You would never make it awkward, Evans, rest assured." He pauses. "I'm sure you heard, but Hess ditched me this week for some other bloke."

"I did hear something about that." A pause. "Are you okay?"

He shrugs again. "I've been better. But I've been worse, too."

"I'm sorry."

"My mum says it'll get easier. This happens with your first real relationship, she said."

"Your mum sounds smart."

"The smartest."

They had reached the front doors now, and Lily waves at Potter now. "Well…bye, Potter."

"Hey, wait, Evans…what were you doing out here all alone?"

"What were you doing out there all alone?"

He grins. "Okay. I know when I'm beat." He looks at her. "You should go in first." Lily nods, grateful for what he leaves unsaid.

The moment she enters the Great Hall, she knows that Marlene is no longer mad. She waves at Lily madly, and Lily, grateful for her friends more than ever after the extremely bizarre few days she's had, strolls over to them, seating herself next to Mary and across from Marlene.

"Guess what?" Marlene gushes almost immediately, and then, without waiting for Lily to guess, she exclaims, "Sirius asked me out!"

"What?!" Lily squeals. A few heads turn their way, but Lily ignores them, focusing entirely on Marlene and her elation. "That's great news! When? Where?"

"He asked me to go to a party with him on Halloween!"

"Oh, Mar, that's great!" Lily replies. "I'm almost sorry that I'll have to break it up."

Marlene's eyes narrow. "You wouldn't dare."

"Let her have her date!" Mary admonishes Lily. "It's only seven years in the making."

"Right." Lily turns to Marlene. "Just so you know, I am still sorry. I didn't mean to blurt out what I did, and even though you're going out with Black now, that doesn't make what I did okay. You trusted me, and I messed up big time."

Marlene snorts. "How long have you been practicing that speech?"

"All bloody day," Lily grumbles. "Now give me some chicken, will you? I haven't eaten since before I was sick all over Potter yesterday."

Mary and Marlene laugh, and Lily feels once again like all is right in her world.

---

The next morning, Lily wakes up late again. "Why didn't you wake me up when you woke up?" she mutters to Mary and Marlene as they hoist their schoolbags up.

"Lil, have you ever tried to wake you up?" Mary rolls her eyes. "I'd rather have a fight with a giant."

"Or an ogre," Marlene supplies.

"A herd of hippogriffs."

"Literally a dragon."

"Oh, fine. I get it! I get it, okay?" Lily dashes around the dormitory, which is somehow once again littered with articles of her clothes, scrap paper, quills, and socks.

"Lil, we're going down, okay?" Marlene says. "If you miss breakfast, we'll bring you some to the greenhouses."

Lily mutters her thanks as dashes to the shower, dresses haphazardly, and thanks her lucky stars that Marlene and Mary called in the house elves so her shirt is pressed, and her school jumper smells like lavender. She yanks on her shoes, now checking the time. It's ten to nine.

"Fuck!" She swears as she stuffs her bag full, and runs at almost a full sprint out of the dormitory, down the stone steps, and right past a gaggle of students in the Common Room. She is out of the portrait hole, the Fat Lady shouting, "You're going to show me some respect one of these days!", when she hears another shout.

"Hey, Evans!" Potter. She turns to see him jogging toward her.

"Potter, not now! Sprout will have my head if I'm late." She turns back around, and races down eight more flights of stairs, out of the oak front doors, and down to the greenhouses.

"You're late, Miss Evans," Professor Sprout says as Lily wheezes in, her face red and framed wildly by her red curls. "Five points from Gryffindor."

"Sorry, Professor." She goes to Mary and Marlene, who hand her a small napkin with a piece of toast, a small sausage, and a banana. She takes it gratefully, gulping down her lukewarm but satisfying breakfast.

"Today, we're preparing the Venomous Tentacula for winter," Professor Sprout starts, but she is immediately distracted as Potter saunters into the greenhouse. "You're late, Potter!"

"Sorry, Professor," Potter says, almost airily. He makes his way over to his friends, but not before scanning the greenhouse and catching Lily's eye. He gives her a strange look. She rolls her eyes. Whatever is going on with him, she's sure she'll hear about it from the rest of the school within a few hours. Anything involving Potter and his mates almost always is school wide news. Lily used to tease Remus about it, asking him if they has considered putting out a weekly periodical on who they were snogging, dueling, or bullying that particular week.

"Who'd write it?" Remus had joked. "You know we've all got dung for brains."

The Herbology lesson is lengthy, with Professor Sprout having to disentangle nearly one student in every group from the Tentacula's wandering vines. Lily and Marlene have to wrench Mary away from the homicidal plant's attempts, and by the end, all the students are sweaty, red-faced, and covered in dirt.

"I need another shower," Marlene complains as they put away their gloves.

"Just use Scourgify for the dirt." Lily points at bit of dirty on Marlene's nose.

"I will not miss this class when we leave here," Mary says fervently as they cross the lawn again, heading inside for Double Potions with the Slytherins. "We always nearly die in this class. Why? Why must all the plants try to kill us? Has the Wizarding world considered friendlier plants?"

"At least our plants do things!"

"Yes, like try to murder our friend." Lily lightly ribs Marlene, testing the waters a bit to see if she's still a bit sore at her. Marlene, thankfully, laughs, and they proceed down the stairs to the dungeons.

"Uh, Lil?" Mary says suddenly. "Why is Potter staring at you as if you've just been caught bathing in tapioca with your pet Kneazle?"

"Pardon?" Lily looks over her shoulder, and Mary's right. Potter is giving her the funniest look, almost as if she had been caught bathing in tapioca with her pet Kneazle. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, I'm sure he has some bright new idea for the prefects, and just wants to give me more work to do. Never had to do work on his own, I suppose." As they wait outside the Potions dungeon for the doors to open, Potter approaches the three girls, looking quite nervous all of a sudden.

"Er, can I talk to you?"

"Which one?"

"Evans, obviously."

"Dunno why that's so obvious," mutters Mary, who steps into the Potions classroom and tugs Marlene's sleeve in after her.

Lily turns to Potter now, and he simply looks odd. Is he going to be sick on her? She looks around as Gryffindors and Slytherins filter by them, paying them no mind.

"Bee in your bonnet, Potter?"

"Look, I dunno what you're playing at here," Potter starts, "but I just got dumped, and yes, I liked you once, but you yourself told me it was never going to happen with us, remember?"

Lily's head swam with bewilderment. "What are you talking about, Potter?"

"And look, I'm glad you've noticed I've changed, and if I had known back then that's what got your wand up, I would've grown up faster. But this—this is just weird, and I dunno why you'd even send me that."

"Send you what?" Lily asks now, completely lost in the train of the conversation. "What gets my wand up? Potter, we're both going to be later for another class."

He huffs, fumbling in his bag, and holds something up. A slim, black book tied with a bright gold ribbon.

Her journal. About him.

Her vision blurs, and then everything goes black.