HOME AT LAST

You know that feeling where all your emotions are conflicting with one another? Kind of like when you tell the person you love that you love them. All at once, you're excited and elated to get the words out. Meanwhile, your heart is pounding out of your chest with certain fear, hoping they repeat those three words back to you. And they're not just parroting it for your sake, while starting to think they might want to make a quick getaway.

It's more complicated than that. I mean, I'm just finally letting it all sink in that the Night Mother is her own separate being and has complete autonomy. She also wants destruction, not for the whole world but for everyone's souls. Yeah, not pretty. But right now, those frantic fears and desperate thoughts of escape are locked up nice and tight. In a little box in the corner of my mind where they can't get me. Until I decide to open it.

Nope, I'm more worried about my lover who stands at the Riften gates. Every second the carriage I'm in gets closer to him, is a second closer to my answer. Will he want me? Will he still love me as I am? Murderer, absentee in his life, and overall screw up that let the cat out of the bag. If the bag were my mind and the Night Mother's soul was the animal in question.

"Riften, here's the town you're looking for." The kind carriage driver looks back at me with a soft smile. He was nice enough not to berate me every time I broke down in tears on this trip. That was one too many times. I almost wish instead of the silence, he was more like Gabriel, who would pass me whatever alcohol I wanted to numb everything. Instead, I smile back and hand him some extra coin. My eyes brush over his face so I won't remember it and constantly feel guilty.

You gave him coin, he's fine. I'm shaking as I climb down the carriage. Was that the Night Mother? You probably wonder. Or maybe it was another Daedric Prince. Nope and nope. That was all me, baby. Only me and my own voice run this mind now.

"Eve." His voice is hopeful. I think.

I stumble through the freshly fallen leaves and stand not ten feet from him now. I take in the sight. Memorize it. This is just in case he lets me go for me to find some other chump. But that guy probably wouldn't be able to hold a candle to Bryn. He wouldn't have the beautiful, tall, Nord build. The lovely way his muscles fill out his armor in all the right places. The man in question wouldn't have reddish hair that burns brighter than the autumn trees around us any day. He certainly wouldn't have the forest green eyes that appraise me with a cautious sort of optimism. And there's no way in hell they'd be able to do all Bryn has done for me.

He allowed me to drink from him then nearly died from that. He sent letters to pine after me but also demand that he help me. I know with certainty that if I called for him, he would have shown up to the Sanctuary in Falkreath. He would have helped me wrestle Cicero to the ground and go in and carve into the Night Mother's insufferable corpse before the worst could happen…

"Eve." He says again, shaking me from my thoughts.

I jolt. Forgot how distracted I get when no one is commanding things of me. Bryn just watches me then points to his head. His eyebrows raise. Oh. Right.

I shake my head as my answer. Tears start forming in my eyes once again. I don't have her in my head anymore. I'm free. I start breaking out into sobs. It's kind of embarrassing but I can't help it. Strong arms wrap around me. I continue to sob, shakes and all. He doesn't say anything. But in return, I hug back. I cling to him like he's the only object staying safe and sound in the worst storm of the century.

"Lass, it's alright. You're safe now. Let's go inside and you tell me everything?" He rubs my back, keeps touching me to give me any sort of comfort he can.

"Okay." I say, but I don't let the other words tumble out that I've been thinking about for the past hour or so: Do you still want to be with me?

Behind him, next to the gate stands Nocturnal in her full glory, beautiful dress and cloak to match. She only has three ravens this time. I cling to Bryn but watch her over his shoulder. Please don't tell me we have to do all of this now. I think desperately. Is it selfish? That I don't want to do all that I have to in the fight against the Night Mother, just this instant? You know, just have a little rest and recovery time. For now.

Nocturnal grins, showing all her teeth. Yes, you can rest. You deserve it. But just for a little bit of time. Her voice echoes in my head, then fades away.

Fresh tears course down my face so my view of her is blurry but I nod. A moment later she is gone. I'll take that as permission to rest. I bury my face in Bryn's neck and breathe deeply. The first real, unrestrained breath I've had in years.

"Alright, love, slow down. Even little Vex here can barely understand the gibberish you're speaking." Delvin lightly coaxes me.

We sit huddled in a little corner of the Bee and Barb. I was too skittish to sit in the main area. Don't really know why. Must be because I was in a dungeon for so long. Bryn squeezes my hand to keep me stable. I've all but sat in his lap. I would have. But the woman running the place sternly told me not to. Might be a fire hazard.

So, I get the corner and the view of the whole restaurant. Bryn is so close he might as well be attached to my hip. Vex and Delvin sit across from me. I told Bryn I couldn't stomach a trip to the sewers just yet. That place is home, but it's also got a musty smell and enclosed in stone. A little too familiar for comfort right now.

I take another long sip of my honey ale. At least this taste is comforting. "Okay." I take a deep breath. I need it to get the words out fast enough. Yes, the situation is dire. But frankly, I don't want to think about it right now. I just want to enjoy the newly vacant place in my mind.

"There was a ceremony, while I was captured. The Dark Brotherhood members set it up, the body and all. They said the binding words, Black Sacrament…then she woke up." I nearly choke on those words. Her terrifyingly beautiful face filled with malice will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Vex is about to say something but I butt in. "She's in another body now reincarnated, not with me. She's trying to close the 'portals' to Oblivion so no Daedric Princes can come here. I think. That would mean all souls are to be sent to Sithis and the Void." I take another long drink when I remember the last piece of information to tack on. "Oh, and she's also the legendary Dragonborn."

This startles them. They all, all three hardheaded thieves, sit there with their mouths open in various stages of shock. "Blimey." Whispers Delvin, he goes to scratch the back of his head. "Wouldn't you know it. My mother, gods rest her soul, she used to tell me stories of the Dragonborn and his plights against the dragons. Sure, you didn't mishear, love?" The look he gives me isn't one of suspicion. It's a plea. Please don't let it be true.

"I didn't." I say just as reluctantly. I heard Nocturnal speak of the Dragonborn's power. If we have to fight her head on, we are going to need a lot of help. "Nocturnal told me everything." I don't make the mistake of causing a panic by telling them Nocturnal is just as fearful as anyone else.

"Any word on how to stop her?" Bryn asks plainly. It was so like him to dive in straight to the point.

"Nocturnal is going to tell me. She just told me to come here first and…" I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. "All of the Daedric Princes are swearing fealty to me. They're going to help us."

Vex lets out a long held in breath. Delvin takes another drink. Bryn just rubs my hand. "That's good." Bryn says. "So, we wait for their command?"

I haven't thought about it, truth be told. "I guess so. Any word on her, any word on Solitude?"

"Everyone's in uproar." Delvin clutches his mug tighter, as if that would keep the stray thoughts of what evil is in that castle away. "Elisif closed the Hold. Everyone in town is running around like a bloody chicken with their heads cut off. Businesses are shutting down. The marketplace swarmed with people a few days ago…now it's all but a ghost town." He shivers.

"They thought she was witch." Vex murmurs. She swishes her mug around but refrains from drinking more. Her light hazel eyes pierce mine. "I thought so too. In all my wildest dreams who ever would have thought she's the Dragonborn?"

"I try not to dwell on it." I take another drink. The bar has seen better days, but a few stragglers are catching my eye. The two Argonians that work here…they remind me a little too much of Veezara for comfort. A few beggars getting out of the spring chill. Igor, can't remember his name, the guy who follows around the Lioness was talking to Keevara for a long time. He left a few moments ago. It was strange seeing him without his more prominent companion.

"So, tell us about what else happened. Your adventures with the Dark Brotherhood." Bryn gives a half smile but it's phony. I see the fear in his eyes.

I look away immediately to see a disgusted Vex and a tense but eager Delvin. "It's a lot to handle." I admit to the group.

"No. We want to hear it." If it were Delvin saying that, I might be more open to telling them my story. But this was Vex barking out the order. I get it. They want to know how many people I killed. They want to see just how far down the rabbit hole I went so they can then determine if I'm worthy of being back in the Guild.

Or maybe I'm just imagining things. Getting paranoid, as Mother would say.

I take another drink. "Alright, it's a long story so I'll need another one of these puppies. Citrus flavored this time." I wave to the bartender's husband who comes to get our drinks promptly.

When the drink filled with a blend of spices and exotic flavors that packs a little punch of aftertaste is right before me, I take a sip. Then, I reluctantly begin my story.

Keevara and husband were just wiping down all the tables. Some of the candles had just run out of their wax, so the lights were dimmer. One drunk, excuse me, a few too many, were passed out on the tables and coaxed out of the Inn or offered a room. I sigh and down the rest of my drink.

"Turning in for the night?" Keevara asks when she comes by our table. I give a half smile. "I guess." I say, I started thinking about the rooms in the sewers, don't really want to go there right now.

I told my story as truthfully as I could. No more lying this time. It would be bad of me…and unfair to everyone else. Plus, it might get us into deeper trouble with the Night Mother. How? I don't really know. I just know she is cunning and quick, any weakness she sees in us, she will exploit to her full potential.

I think it was a little much. All the kills I had to make, the innocents, the Emperor dead at my feet. My only reassurance that it wasn't me was the fact that the Night Mother was still in my head at that time. But as Vex said, it was almost like we were so intertwined at that point one wouldn't know where my desires ended and hers began. She rushed out in a flurry after I told them about saving Cicero. It was to save myself, but she couldn't believe I'd let someone so treacherous live.

I could take that. Not really sure why I let him live anyways. He was annoying as all hell and scared me nearly to my death in the Castle dungeons. Delvin was harder. He really had to keep in some emotion when I told them about Astrid's death. I'm not sure if the rest of the Guild knows about his former business relationship with her but I wasn't about to rat him out. When I got to Harkon's part of the story, about the Castle and all the people we had to kill and hunt to get the Chalice, he had to excuse himself. He said it was so he could turn in early for the night. But I have a feeling it was because of his grief over Astrid.

Then, it was just Bryn. I finished my story triumphantly with the death of Harkon, then the real story began. I tried to gloss over my time in the dungeon, but he wanted all the details. So, I got even more drunk and told him everything. The burning throat. Cicero goading me. The Night Mother rising.

I couldn't think straight anymore with how drunk I was. Bryn just stayed silent. The he said those words I dreaded. "Lass, I can't imagine what you've been through. But you could have chosen not to kill anyone, right?"

It took all my willpower not to explode right then and there. It's like he wasn't even listening. I calmly explained what was going on. With the Night Mother and her threats. He let it go then. "Alright, lass lets think about this. Sorry." He rubbed his face. "It's just late and a lot to process."

"It's fine." I said. The silence hung heavy between us but someone has to break it. So, I did. "Is this bad? Am I not allowed back in the Thieves Guild?"

I expected him to jump to correct me. To say that it was all okay. But he just gave me a sad look. "I'll have to speak with the others. You know how the Guild thinks of murder. And I know it wasn't up to you, I know you were just trying to survive, I respect that. But to lead them to the end?" He trailed off.

Then it hit me. He was mad that I ordered Cicero around and the others to not only kill my imposter but to also murder Harkon. "I had to do that." I said instantly.

He looked away. He didn't have to say anything. I knew what he was thinking. If you didn't kill him then, she wouldn't have been able to get into the dungeon and resurrect herself.

Instead, his reasoning surprises me, "You didn't have to lead them like you should be leading here. You gave a lot to the Dark Brotherhood, Eve. And the end there, it almost sounded like you were enjoying it." He still wouldn't look at me.

I really had to bite my tongue. Really hard. It was breaking me that he couldn't seem my actions for what they truly were. A way to save him. But I didn't really want to fight about it just then. "I said, I had no choice." I rested my case.

"Forget it, lass." He rubbed his face. "It's late, we've been through a lot. Forgive me, I'm not thinking straight. I think I'm just mad about the whole situation. Let's sleep this off and talk about it tomorrow?"

I gave the hallowed bitch response, "That's fine."

He let out a breath, looked at me, and leaned in for a kiss. But I backed away. I got out of my chair. "Might stay here for a while." I told him.

So, it was awkward. He left. And I sat at a table downing drinks deciding when the right time was to let all my emotions out. For the time being, it was nice not to think at all.

"Too many drinks at the Bee and Barb?" Keevara smiles, as she wipes down my table. Her shiny teeth dance in the fading light of a nearby candle.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was too much." I say, "Hey, got a room available? I don't really want to go home right now."

She laughs and nearly sends a few empty mugs flying. "Ah! If only I could hear that on repeat! That's something I never thought I'd hear from you! Of all people!"

I look down to the sticky table. This is embarrassing. "Here. Take the key." She laughs again. "I'd ask for a pretty penny, especially considering you sewer rats always siphon money from us…but you paid more than your fair share tonight on drink." She smiles then her cruel eyes soften when she watches me for longer than five seconds.

"Come with me. I'll show you the way." She beckons.

I get up and trudge behind her. When we're in the hallway and right in front of my borrowed door she turns. "I'm sorry. It didn't look pretty tonight with your boyfriend. I shouldn't have laughed in your face. If I have any advice, it's to not let them get you down. After however many years with Talen-Jei and we even have our spats." She tries to smile to calm me.

"It's alright. Thanks." I say and take the key from her.

"Let me know if you need anything." She winks and waltzes down the hallway. I don't tell her tonight wasn't great because t's not just a little spat with my boyfriend, it's more of an indicator on whether I'm back in the Guild or not. And, I guess, whether Bryn wants to be with me.

I let the door close firmly behind me before I let any tears fall.

Not for the first time, I'm up all-night pondering over what happened to Vorstag and Serana. The two vampires I was working with, and who I let escape the Castle. The dragon Durnehviir took them before he could get to me. I considered calling him back from time to time, to know their whereabouts. But I'm worried I'll get the worst news. Better to assume they're holed up in Markarth for the time being.

The moon is high in the sky. It bathes the city in a golden glow. I stand at the window, just admiring it. It was more meditative. Thinking of the landscape, the different shapes. Not about how I felt when Bryn turned away from me. Or when Cicero held his hand right above my head so I could gasp for blood…

I turn away and begin to pace. What to do now? It would be the best time for Nocturnal to chime in. Now is a good time to start fighting the Night Mother. I guess. But the thought of that just makes my chest heavy. The stress of the past few months is finally creeping in with each heartbeat. So, I curl up in the covers and try, desperately, to get some sleep.

A soft knock at the door wakes me up. I was just getting to the deepest part of sleep, so I'm bitchy. I leap from the bed and shove open the door to see whoever disturbed me…and find Bryn. He gives a shy smile. It looks odd on someone so tall and usually reserved.

"Sorry to disturb you, lass. I just couldn't leave you like that. I'm a fool to walk back into the sewers without you at my side. I'm sorry for not listening like I should have. I just reacted before anything." His hands are clasped behind his back and he keeps up that small little smile.

I lean my hip against the doorframe and arch a brow. "Is that so? Don't want to be associated with the former leader of the Dark Brotherhood?" I don't mean to spit the words but here they are.

He winces. "Not like that, Eve. That's not what I meant."

"Yes, it was." I state clearly. Didn't they drill all the Thieves Guild initiates on day one not to kill anyone? No matter what?

His expression is pained. But I stand there, waiting.

"We have rules. We have to discuss the details of what went on. But Eve, if it were solely up to me you would have been back in the Guild the moment you stepped off that carriage."

His face is beautiful. Maybe it was the ale. Maybe it was the fact that I was so stressed and anxious after feeling so alone the past few days. But I forget everything. He welcomes me when I make the stupid mistake of falling into his arms. I kiss him, as passionately as I did the first time.

Cicero's Journal Entry

18th of Second Seed 4E 202

Skyrim has paid her due…dearly. Mother guides us. We took Solitude, nearly the whole city in a matter of weeks. How powerful we are…the new initiates are helpful, although they are stupid. Why, Cicero heard a few speaking treachery against Mother! How short-sighted. And they have sight no more. Cicero took their bodies below the Castle. Oh, how mad Mother would be if she knew what Cicero did! But he had no choice.

Maybe, maybe, Mother would be okay with it. More souls for Sithis anyways! But the Redguard, Nazir, would have my head…and Mother reveres him. A little too much.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting this! Took longer than I expected for the cover art. I will be posting new chapters for this story regularly on Wednesdays or Thursdays!