Zoey and the Very Woke Winter Solstice

by Cypher DS

Cover art by Farndee Addam

o

December. The last leftovers of Thanksgiving turkey had been reheated and reinvented into sandwiches and soup. The final Black Friday sales had passed and the stampeding, hair-pulling merch-hordes had returned to good-natured neighbours once more.

Gorged with good food and bursting at the seams from shopping sprees, America could finally rouse from its turkey-induced stupor and gear up for the real celebration.

Christmas.

Glenberry's tropical climate didn't exactly lend itself to White Christmas celebrations but the citizens were no slouches for celebration. Boulevards of palm trees were wrapped in coloured lights, the Turtle Bay surf shops accessorized their display mannequins with Santa hats and the downtown mall was a shrine of green garland, red bows and jolly carols. Even the old Church of St. Joseph, whose twin bell towers and stained glass windows had seen better days, kept up the festive spirit with its life-size manger scene, renowned throughout the state as a must-see tourist stop.

But on that first December night, an ominously silent night, a different, more sinister band of carollers descended on the parish of old St. Joe:

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

The leader of the devilish troupe disguised herself in a black tracksuit, a dark face mask and spiked welding goggles. Neon blue dreadfalls were bundled back into a ponytail for the witches' work to come.

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

Close on the leader's heels came a second figure weighed down with duffel bags and backpacks. A skull bandana covered her mouth while black pigtails bobbed in time with their hellion's chant.

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

The duo would have chanted further but the only lines they knew from the Scottish Play were the ones popularized by cartoons and Halloween movies.

Double, double, toil and - "Zoey-senpaiii! Matte kudasai~!"

A third girl, heavy-set and gasping from the light jog, rushed to join the group, her two turtle doves flopping left and right with every bound. "SHH! Quiet!" hissed the goggle-wearing leader.

"Gomen, Zoey-sen-"

"And I told you to use code names! I'm Graymalkin, Lillian's Paddock and you're … Suki, what are you wearing?"

Unlike her black-clad companions, the girl called Suki had arrived sporting an orange tracksuit and a blue headband. Painted fox whiskers decorated her cheeks. "Oro? But senpai, Lillian told me to dress all stealthy!"

"Whoa, like, don't pin your shit on me! All I said was you should totally dress like a ninj-"

A dusty lightbulb clicked. "Oh…"

"Invisibility no jutsu," Suki whispered in her softest voice.

Zoey groaned. "Never mind. The coast is clear and there's our target." Her gloved finger stabbed at the Church of St. Joseph. "Glenberry's oldest Roman Catholic parish. In twenty five days this will be the center of celebrations … for Christmas."

Christmas. The word spat off the young witch's lips like the most vulgar of curses.

"December was meant to be the season of the winter solstice, a celebration honouring rebirth and the renewal of light! Now, though, this month has been appropriated by the unholy alliance of Christianity and Consumerism! It's a toxic, capitalist shill!"

"Effin' pigs!"

"Disrespectful, desu!"

"Well this year, we're going to remind this corrupted city about the true meaning of the season! Sisters of the Dark Coven, are you with me?"

"Got your back, boss bitch!"

"Hai! Anything for my senpai!"

"Good." Zoey jerked a thumb at the church. "Now let's desecrate this manger scene."

Half an hour later, Zoey stepped back from the manger to admire her wicked work. Mary and Joseph, the shepherds and animals, the wise men and their camels - all continued to gaze upon the babe in the creche with adoration. But now, they were not alone: sinister golden keys hung from the rafters in groups of three. Trios of snakes, bats and black dogs snarled and hissed among the oxen and lamb. Spoked wagon wheels were staked among the barnyard hay like tombstones. Zoey clapped her hands and cackled.

"Brilliant!" Keys, dogs, wheels - all totems of the goddess of witches! "When the Christmas revellers look upon these powerful symbols of Hecate, they'll all know that this space has been reclaimed by the Sisterhood of Wicca!"

She hoped the All-Mother would understand that this act of resistance had been planned on a budget. The keys were chocolates wrapped in gold foil, the dogs were plastic figurines from a toy store sale and the trios of wheels were all attached to small Barbie doll tricycles. But it's the thought that counts, she reminded herself.

"Like, check out my digs on the roof, Zoe!" Lillian waved a hand over the pose-able action figures lurking atop the manger. "Krampus the Christmas demon, Cthulhu the Great Old One and a mother-effin' Balrog! Oh man, once those churchies see all these demons scoping out this barnyard, they're gonna freak the fuck out!"

"Excellent, Lillian!"

"Senpai, Suki's work is all complete-o too! Look: next to the Wise Men, I put Son Goku bearing gifts of sensu beans for Baby Jesus!"

Standing amid the turbaned trio, a life-size cardboard cutout of the Saiyan warrior was indeed flexing his power level to over 9000. Lillian and Zoey exchanged looks. "Suki…"

"But senpai! Goku's from Japan! That means this manger scene now has Asian representation!"

Zoey stared. Lillian rubbed her hands, ready for the cybergoth witch's smackdown.

"Suki, that is … actually pretty awesome!"

"Like, wha-?"

The tracksuit girl batted her eyes. "So I did good?"

"Very good, very woke," Zoey affirmed, tussling the blonde's hair.

"Yaay, headpats!" The bleached blonde stuck out her tongue at the pigtailed goth. "See, Kuroko-chan? Suki is super-smart about intersexuality!"

"Intersectionality," Zoey corrected. "Lillian, open that last duffel bag with the crystals."

Citrine, amethyst, rose quartz and celestine. All used to by witches to channel positive healing energies. But for the last month, Zoey had been sitting these babies in front of a TV blaring the Fox News six o'clock newscast. By now, each stone had soaked up such negativity and bile, there were ready to shatter with dark hexes!

"You strung up all the crystals on wires, Lillian?"

"Like forty feet worth, boss bitch!"

"Senpai, Suki wove a whole bag of wreaths with pentagrams, just like you said!"

"Excellent!" Boughs of dragon's blood and morning glories were prime ingredients for banishing spellwork. "Lillian, string the crystals all over the trees and the front doors. Suki, I want a wreath in every window! When we're done, this church will be overflowing with such malice that everyone who enters will suffer a witch's curse!"

She could already see the headline: Christmas ... Cancelled!

Seated side by side in the breakfast cafe booth, Lillian and Suki gulped as Zoey's fingers crumpled into the morning edition of the Glenberry Chronicle.

Local Pagan Community Donates Toys, Decorates Struggling Church!

"S-so rude," Suki pouted. "Those pagan bakas took all the credit for senpai's awesome plan."

"Like … Suki, it's talking about us."

"Ano? I thought we were mahou shoujos. Witches!"

"We are, it's just …"

"I can't be Pagan, Kuroko-chan! Suki orders meat in her ramen bowl all the time!"

"Vegan, Suki. Vegan."

"Ohh..." A pause. "And the flying spaghetti monster people?"

"Pastafarians."

"Got it!"

Zoey wadded the cafe newspaper into a ball. "Well, the mainstream media has always been in bed with the Evangelical Christians. It's totally incestuous!"

"Oro? Senpai, I thought you said the media was controlled by the Ju-jubes!"

"The Jews, Suki. And they get a pass because they're liberal."

"But not the lionists?"

"Zionists! And screw them. BDS for life!"

"Whoa, kinky shit there, boss bitch!"

But before Zoey could explain the true meaning of Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions, the blue-haired barista returned from her break in the back room.

"No. No, no, no! What part of 'lifetime ban' do you people not understand?" She pointed at Zoey. "You! Newspapers are for paying customers only!"

"Are you denying me my freedom to access information because I don't meet your capitalist standards?"

"And you!" Her finger whipped towards Lillian. "Stop drawing dicks all over the washroom stalls! We serve families here!"

"Umm like, totally not my problem if you can't get my art, bitch."

"And you!" Suki gave a little 'eep'. "They're making you stuff creamer and sugar packets into your coat pockets again, aren't they?"

"... no," Suki protested, even as her cleavage jiggled with pink packets of Sweet 'n Low.

"Oh my god… Brody? Manager?"

A familiar nine blocks and six overworked lungs later, Zoey struck the perfect idea for a post-scheme pick me up. "Lillian, Suki, let's get some cake! Delicious, moist, gluten-free black forest cake from DeeDee's Bakery. We've earned it, girls!"

"Umm like, those things are like, totally expensive, boss."

"Maybe we could bake one together, senpai!"

"No need, Suki. The cakes in-store cost an arm and a leg but the day-olds they toss into the dumpster are free of charge. Anyone up for some urban foraging?"

"Score!"

"Yatta!"

It turned out Zoey wasn't the only one with the clever idea to go dumpster diving. At the mouth of DeeDee's back alley, Suki gasped. "Iyaai, look!"

The back half of a trenchcoat, sneakers and a pair of sweatpants balanced on the rim of the bakery's dumpster. The figure startled at Suki's weeaboo scream, lost its balance and toppled into the dumpster. "Ow, frick!"

Zoey startled. Both her minions clung to her arms like damsels.

"It's like, a hobo!"

"It's a crackhead!"

"Girls, language! It's a person experiencing homelessness!"

"Uh... little help here?" The disoriented echo from the dumpster made Suki and Lillian cling twice as tight.

"You talk to her, boss."

"Me, why me?" Zoey hissed.

"Um, cause you're a sassy black chick? You'll totally freak the shit out of her!"

"Ooh, ooh, do that finger snap thing, senpai!"

"Girls, that's a horrible, outdated stereotype and -"

Bang, bang, bang! "HEY!"

"Bitch, sit yo' ho-ass down! Don' make me call the po-po t'bust a cap in yo' sorry, white behind, m-hmm?"

Zoey clamped both hands over her mouth, mortified. Lillian and Suki looked on with rapture.

"Whoa…"

"Sugoi…"

"Um …" The dumpster lady gave a tiny rap for attention.

Zoey cleared her throat. "I mean - Hello?... Are there any black forest cakes in there?"

"Yeah, right under my butt. Can you give me a hand?"

"Pass us a cake and we'll pull you out."

"Nothing squished, please!" Suki chimed.

"Oh and like, no custard." Lillian added. "Custard is like, totally the worst!"

The dumpster diver cursed and grumbled. "Seriously? Well... there's a red velvet cake still whole, I think."

"Is it gluten-free?"

"Gluten- ? You're seriously gonna leave me here if I don't haul up a cake for you?"

"Yes," came the trio of voices.

The garbage woman sighed and rummaged about. Zoey's eyes lit up as a plastic cake container was lifted to the rim. She seized it immediately. Red velvet. Well, it would have to do.

"Lil, Suki - get those milk crates in the corner stacked. Miss? I'm going to climb up and pull you out."

Goth and weeaboo worked in tandem to build Zoey a small staircase. The cybergoth witch wobbled her way up and offered her hand, wincing at the garbage-stained palm that grasped her own. She looked down, the woman looked up.

They both paled.

"Zoey? Zoey Greene?"

"Miss Yumi? Aw hell no!"

The Asian professor gave a small scream as Zoey let her fall back in.