Blaine had to admit that after struggling through his first month and a half at McKinley, he was happy to escape the halls of his new school. Something about the school was beginning to make him feel trapped. Sectionals was coming up, and he'd never felt less prepared for a competition.
Whoever had the idea to spend five of the seven weeks before a competition rehearsing for a school musical had no idea what they were doing. The New Directions still didn't have enough members to even compete at Sectionals, not with the Troubletones forming behind their backs. Mr. Schuester was still convinced he'd get all of the girls back by the time the competition arrived, which was hilarious given that meant he wasn't planning the choreography for any of their songs or even picking a setlist yet.
Even worse, the infighting at McKinley reached a new high, at least by Blaine's standards. Finn glared at him every time he opened his mouth, and they clashed over creative differences at every opportunity. Everyone in the New Directions seemed skeptical over Blaine's commitment to the team, which he sort of understood given the Jesse St. James situation, but it should've been obvious at this point that Blaine transferring wasn't some sort of grand scheme to screw over the competition. He was here for good. Besides, Blaine worked 10 times harder than anyone else trying to fit in. He got the lead in the musical, spent hours helping the others with their choreography, voluntarily went to Mr. Schue's weird booty camp and participated in every bizarre plan the New Directions suggested.
But it wasn't just Finn and general skepticism. Mercedes was still mad about the whole West Side Story thing. Finn and Santana were constantly at each other's throats. Mike and Tina were arguing about everything from salad to problems with their parents. Even Kurt and Rachel were fighting over this crazy student council election.
Blaine felt completely invisible with this group of people. It felt like no matter what he did, he'd never be enough for them. He was breaking his back trying to keep up with it all. The New Directions were at each other's throats every five minutes, and he didn't feel like he ever really fell on anyone's side. Except Kurt. He was always on Kurt's side. And that was hard, too.
Sure, there was Rachel, but she was just like Kurt, completely wrapped up in her own little world. Besides, she was fighting with Kurt, and Kurt all but banned Blaine from speaking to her. Nothing about it could ever possibly compare to the brotherhood he left behind at Dalton. The brotherhood he broke himself away from. All because he was afraid of losing Kurt.
He had to admit that he did a good job hiding it. Kurt had no idea how difficult the transition had been for Blaine. He never told Kurt about the numerous difficult conversations he had with his parents or how the Warblers reacted when he told them he was leaving. Whenever Dalton was mentioned during rehearsal, he would just stay silent and fixate his attention on something else, like a hole in the choir room wall that he never realized was there or Tina holding Mike's hand or Sugar flaunting a new piece of jewelry in everyone's face as if they cared. If he didn't think about Dalton, he couldn't get sad about leaving it all behind.
But he still did get sad from time to time when he thought about how he used to share a room with Trent and could easily keep up with every new girl Thad was bringing around. Every time Rachel talked about the show choir blogs, he found himself thinking about Nick and Jeff's gossiping about rival choirs. Whenever the New Directions broke out into an argument over who would get a solo at the next competition, he would wish he was back at Dalton where they would take a simple vote and that would be that.
Kurt always brushed Dalton off as being too traditional with no regard for individual voices, but that's what Blaine liked about it. It was a team. It was easy to fit in. And McKinley felt like every man for himself.
No matter what was going on at McKinley, Blaine was looking forward to the weekend. He had plans to spend the whole thing with Kurt watching movie musicals and hopefully talking about something other than the student council election or his feud with Rachel for more than five minutes. He was eager to get away from the other New Directions, and Burt and Carole happened to be out of town canvassing for the weekend, so Kurt had the house to himself. It was going to be fantastic, mostly because time alone with Kurt always reminded Blaine of why he transferred in the first place.
As Blaine made his way toward the doors to the school at the end of the day on Friday, his boyfriend approached him with a beaming expression. Seeing Kurt smile like this always put a smile on Blaine's lips as well, and it reminded him that he was ridiculous for considering he couldn't be happy at McKinley. How could he ever think he made the wrong decision when he got to see that smile every day?
"Guess who just got an email that they should be expecting mail from NYADA?" Kurt exclaimed, wrapping an arm around Blaine to show his excitement. "I feel like I can't breathe. Any day now I'll know if I made it to auditions. Then I'm one step closer to living the dream in New York City!"
Blaine's smile faded ever so slightly that he was certain Kurt wouldn't even notice. He was happy for his boyfriend. Of course he was happy for him. But why did everything always revolve around NYADA and New York and leaving Blaine behind to pursue bigger and better things hundreds of miles away? Sometimes it was too much to handle, and it filled Blaine with an overwhelming sense of loneliness that he couldn't quite reconcile within himself. "That's great, Kurt. NYADA's not gonna know what hit them."
"I need to go rehearse. Things are actually getting serious now. Can you tell Finn I don't need a ride?" Kurt asked, already completely turned around and on his way out the front doors of McKinley High.
It all happened so fast that Blaine barely had a second to process his boyfriend's words. "Wait, Kurt, I thought we were gonna hang out this weekend," he shouted after, hoping he would turn around and at least apologize or show any acknowledgement of the commitment they'd already made to spend the night alone together not talking about NYADA.
Instead, Kurt kept walking. "I need to get to Between the Sheets before they close. I'll FaceTime you tonight before bed," he yelled in response. It was as if Kurt didn't even hear Blaine's words. Like he didn't even care to give him the decency of a reply. Blaine forced himself to shove his irrational annoyances deep down, reminding himself that Kurt was busy. He was just stressed about the election and getting into NYADA, and they could just hang out the next day instead. He reminded himself of Kurt's smile and how happy he looked the day that Blaine transferred to McKinley. He thought about all of the good times they had together and the hard times in between that made the good times that much better.
But no matter how far Blaine suppressed that feeling of loneliness and tried to focus on the good things, his dark thoughts about McKinley remained somewhere deep in his mind, haunting him until he finally chased down Finn to inform him Kurt didn't need a ride. It was ridiculous, really. For the life of him Blaine could not figure out why Kurt couldn't just send Finn a text. Yet, here he was again, doing everything in his power to make Kurt's life easier when Kurt couldn't be inconvenienced for one night to remember what it was like to be an actual teenager.
Normally this would be fine. Blaine tried to brush these things off as normal. He'd gotten the lead in West Side Story, he was the lead vocalist in the Warblers for a year, he had his chance to shine. Kurt was constantly reminding him of how awful it was to watch Blaine get solo after solo while he was forced to sway in the background. So maybe this was what Blaine deserved after all of that. Nevertheless, it wasn't a great feeling.
And suddenly it was all he could think about. How Kurt cancelled on him, convinced him to transfer schools only to leave him all alone with no one else to talk to. How he knew everyone at McKinley would always take Kurt's side, or Finn's side, or Rachel's, or whoever else he happened to find himself in an argument with. How he would always be the new guy, always a step behind. How no one would ever listen to his ideas, no matter how many show choir competitions he'd won.
It felt like he couldn't breathe, like if he stood in the hallway for another second, he would drown. His chest felt heavy and burdensome, and his heart was beating faster than it had in years, probably since he had a panic attack when he was left alone bleeding out on a sidewalk outside of the Sadie Hawkins dance.
He couldn't even see straight and making it to his car became a near impossible task until he somehow managed to find it in the back of the parking lot and collapse in the driver's seat, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles and blinking to try to regain focus.
All he kept saying to himself was that this was stupid. He could just talk to Kurt and tell him how overwhelming this was all becoming for him. But he'd tried that, and Kurt always said that everyone at McKinley would learn to love him, and he would learn to love them, too, and Blaine was overreacting. Because he was always overreacting. And that just made him want to explode even more.
He reminded himself to take a deep breath. He recognized that he was panicking, and he did enough research after that first panic attack to know that this is what it felt like, this is when he needed to take deep breaths and focus only on breathing. He closed his eyes and tried to loosen his grip on the steering wheel. If he just waited a few minutes, he could regain his strength. He could get over this. He didn't need to let this get to him. It was just a panic attack, not the end of the world. He could drive home and pretend this never happened. Go on pretending everything was okay.
When he opened his eyes again, almost the entire parking lot had cleared out. He turned up the music and blasted the heat, hoping something could drown out the Ohio winter temperatures and whatever that other ice-cold feeling deep in his chest was coming from. He'd managed to stop the panic from taking over his entire body, and it wasn't nearly as bad as the last time. At least he was feeling okay now. He could just ignore it.
Just as he was about to put his car in drive, Blaine received a notification on his phone, a sound he was embarrassed to admit he'd recognize anywhere: Facebook Messenger.
Sebastian Smythe: Hey killer. When we win our sectionals tomorrow, we're throwing an after party in the dorms. it's a bring your own booze sort of thing, but I can hook you up. Everyone wants you to come. Kurt's invited, too, if that's what it'll take to get you there.
Sure, Blaine may have hoped the notification would be an apology from Kurt. But those were few and far between. Of course it was Sebastian, who texted him several times a day asking to hang out or flirting like he always did. But despite Blaine's disappointment at seeing Sebastian's name instead of Kurt's, he couldn't help but smile. At least someone wanted to spend time with him, even if it was just a harsh reminder of the world he'd left behind.
Kurt definitely wouldn't want to go to this party, especially after the way he completely blew Blaine off that afternoon. But the idea of seeing the Warblers again and celebrating in the dorms like the good old days with his friends almost put butterflies in his stomach. This was what he missed most about the Warblers: the comradery. Win or lose, he could always count on the traditions of drinking way too many beers and passing out in the wrong dorm after a competition.
Blaine Anderson: Can I think about it?
As much as Blaine wanted to immediately accept the invitation, he knew he needed to check with Kurt first.
Sebastian Smythe: of course. Let me know if there's anything I can do to persuade you to show up ;)
Blaine wished more than anything he couldn't see through all of Sebastian's attempts to make his way into his heart. He wished he could say he was oblivious to the flirting and how much he loved their conversations on the nights when Kurt was too busy with Rachel or college applications or whatever other excuse. Late night calls, coffee not-dates, all things he used to enjoy with Kurt that maybe happened once a month now if he was lucky. He loved Kurt, but something was missing. It was obvious when Blaine couldn't even conjure up that image of Kurt's smile to convince him this was a bad idea.
Who was he kidding? He needed to stop pretending. He knew it all along; he was broken after leaving Dalton, desperately searching for somewhere he could fit in. Dalton and the Warblers and even just Sebastian never failed to remind him of the life he left behind, the friends he missed more than he ever thought he could.
And after panicking in the parking lot of this school where he knew no one other than a small group of show choir kids, he knew he should take any opportunity for human connection that he was offered. He texted Kurt that they needed to talk that night, and he desperately hoped he wouldn't get upset.
Kurt wasn't lying when he told Sebastian a month or so earlier that their tradition was a nightly rigorous skin-sloughing session over video chat. Blaine would've liked to pretend it was code for something sexier, but it definitely wasn't, so he had to get used to Kurt lecturing him about skincare every night.
When he didn't receive a text at the usual time from Kurt asking if he was ready to call, Blaine rolled his eyes and sent a Skype request himself. He figured with Kurt's apparently busy schedule he wouldn't have the time to think about the call. But he needed to stay calm and collected, come from a place of caring, if he was going to get Kurt to agree to go to the party at Dalton.
The call connected after a couple of minutes and Kurt was on his computer screen smiling. "Hey! I have so much to tell you. I think I'm going to sing Phantom for my audition. It's a classic, and it's definitely one of my best. I already have the costume, and the set will be easy to design. Do you want to come over tomorrow to help me sequin my mask?"
It took Blaine a second to realize what he was even talking about. He loved how energized Kurt got about things like this, but right now, he wasn't in the mood. And his critical side was fighting to break through and tell Kurt that NYADA probably wouldn't want to see a super overdone audition with all the bells and whistles of a set and costume. He wondered if Rachel had already lectured Kurt about that decision, then remembered they weren't even speaking.
"Um…sure," Blaine agreed, because he always did. He didn't mind as long as they'd be hanging out. But this presented the perfect opportunity to bring up the Dalton party. He just needed to figure out the best way to ask. "Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
Kurt was filing his nails and looking away from the camera. He looked distant in a way that Blaine wasn't sure he'd ever seen him before, and Blaine couldn't figure out what that meant. Maybe the feud with Rachel was getting to him or maybe he could sense that he wasn't going to like what Blaine said next. Either way, Blaine knew he had to go through with it. He needed this. The Dalton party was like a lifeline, and Blaine was drowning.
"Sure, but you called kind of late, so we'll have to shorten the skincare routine a bit," Kurt replied, fixated on his nails and refusing to look up.
"I've just been thinking about Dalton a lot, and I realized that I really miss my friends there," Blaine started. His head was a jumbled mess, and he was quickly realizing he probably should've written this all down before he started talking. Parties in general were never Kurt's thing, but parties at Dalton? Yeah, that was like Kurt's worst nightmare. He would never agree unless Blaine explained the real reasons why he wanted to go. Even then, it was questionable. "I guess I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. People at McKinley haven't exactly been welcoming, and I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to. Except you, of course."
Kurt was watching him with an eyebrow raised, like at any second Blaine would say something that would ruin everything. Every mention of Dalton would always lead to a fight or an argument or a lecture about how Blaine wasn't giving McKinley a chance. Blaine bit his tongue as he waited for Kurt's reaction.
"Blaine, I've told you this a million times. McKinley isn't like Dalton. People like to get to know your individuality, especially in the New Directions. I just think you need to try harder to reach out to people other than me and that backstabber Rachel," Kurt argued, still focused on filing his nails. He said it all like it was a fact, like Blaine should've known this already, and like it was definitively his fault.
Try harder. That's what Blaine needed to do. Except trying harder is what put him in the parking lot having a panic attack.
"I've tried that, Kurt. It's not working. Nobody trusts me."
"Maybe they don't trust you because every time we tell you our plan, you immediately jump in and say that's not how you did things at Dalton," Kurt said, this time softly and more under his breath.
Blaine frowned and crossed his arms. Even if he knew it's what Kurt had been thinking all along, he never said it out loud. He had to admit it hurt. "I try so hard to not talk about Dalton because I'm so desperate for the New Directions to like me. But I don't think it's ever going to happen if you don't tell Finn to stop treating me like an outsider."
"How do you expect me to do that?"
"Finn is your brother," Blaine said. Even when he dialed back the anger as much as he could, the sentence still came out sounding snappy. He was never going to hear the end of this. "And he's the worst one."
Kurt rolled his eyes and tossed his nail file to the side. "When has Finn ever listened to anything I have to say?"
The conversation took a turn that Blaine definitely didn't care to get into. Not when he was having panic attacks and secretly wishing he could go back to Dalton. "That's not the point."
"Then what is the point?"
Blaine took another deep breath. He fixated on a glass of water sitting on his nightstand, tried to remember what it felt like to be calm. The breath of fresh air he felt when he got that invitation from Sebastian came to mind, and it made him realize that he needed to lead with the reason he was calling in the first place.
"We were invited to a party after the Warblers sectionals tomorrow. I want to go."
Kurt stared at him like he'd just said the most ridiculous thing he could've imagined. Like these guys were the worst people in the world. Like they weren't Blaine's best friends just a couple of weeks earlier.
"You can't be serious," Kurt said after a moment of silence. He was still staring at Blaine with that look, like he was expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out of the bathroom at any second telling him he'd been punk'd. But Kurt had been to these Dalton parties; it's not like this was some outrageous request. All Blaine wanted was a night of fun and reminiscing, a healthy reminder that he was his own person with his own friends. "Blaine, they're the enemy. What if they're just trying to spy on us?"
"At a party?"
"Yes, exactly. You know how you get when you drink. They probably want you to spill all of our secrets," Kurt said with a shrug, like it was the simplest conclusion.
Blaine watched him for any sign that he might be joking, but it wasn't there. "Kurt, those guys are my friends."
"Well, right now they're our competition," Kurt said simply. "Besides, I don't like that Sebastian guy at all."
Blaine wanted to scream. "How would you have felt if I said that to you last year when you invited me to that party at Rachel's?"
"That's different."
"Why? Because it's your friends and not mine?"
Kurt stared back at him, taking his eyes away from his nails and finally focusing on Blaine. He looked offended, and Blaine realized that what he said was an accusation, but he felt it was necessary. All he needed was one night of sanity, one night back with his old friends at his old school, and that shouldn't have been an unreasonable request. But Kurt looked at him like he'd just killed somebody.
"Whatever," Kurt finally replied, clearly already over this conversation. "Go, if you want. I can't stop you. I have more important things to do than jeopardize our team at Sectionals."
Blaine's computer screen went blank. He started pressing keys to see if his computer died, but all he saw was his home screen and a notification that said, "Skype call with Kurt Hummel disconnected." Kurt hung up on him. The call length was just over seven minutes and managed to ruin Blaine's entire night.
While he didn't originally want to go to the party without Kurt, he certainly wanted to go alone now. And if anything, he felt like he needed to prove a point. He would go and have an amazing night and then they would beat the Warblers at Regionals and he'd prove to Kurt that those guys were his friends, not just their competition, and he should be allowed to maintain a good relationship with all of them. Even Sebastian.
He pulled out his phone and messaged Sebastian.
Blaine Anderson: you can consider this text an rsvp for one.
Blaine found out about the Warblers win at Sectionals from the show choir blogs. He'd been nervously scrolling through it all day, other than the time he spent warding off angry texts from Kurt telling him he was being "unreasonable", and he needed to "look at the bigger picture."
The party started at 10, enough time after Sectionals for the Warblers to get back to the dorms, change clothes and put on some music before the real fun began. Blaine spent the entire day arguing with Kurt over text and figuring out what he would wear to the party before he settled on jeans and a sweater so he wouldn't be too overdressed. These things were normally pretty casual.
When he arrived at the dorms, it almost felt like returning to a childhood home. So much had happened since he lived there, but this building was the one place in the world he knew he would always feel comfortable. But a part of him was afraid he'd never fully belong there again. He worried his friends would hold a grudge against him for leaving or that he'd walk in and immediately feel like an outcast. But when he walked through the doors and took the elevator upstairs to the floor Sebastian told him they'd be partying, he started to feel like he never left.
The floor looked almost exactly like he remembered it. There was a large common area with a TV and a few couches and chairs surrounding it. All of his friends were scatted across the room, some holding beers disguised in water bottles or mixed drinks in red solo cups. Jeff and Thad were playing Mario Kart like their lives depended on it, and Nick was having a drunken debate with Trent over whether One Direction or Justin Bieber had a bigger influence on pop culture. It was just the way things had been when he left. Except for one thing.
Sebastian was leaning against the wall watching everything go down as he sipped on what appeared to be wine through a Gatorade bottle. Blaine felt drawn to him, and before he could process what was happening, his feet had moved him across the room and only a few inches away from Sebastian.
"Hey! Glad you could make it," Sebastian greeted when he locked eyes with Blaine. He reached an arm around his shoulders to give him a playful half-hug, and Blaine felt shivers travel down his spine at the touch. Stupid, yes, because he was dating Kurt and didn't want to break up with Kurt or cause problems by getting involved with Sebastian. But Blaine was very aware he could sometimes be very stupid, so he was willing to push his limits just a little bit, especially after the week he had. "Let's get you a drink."
Sebastian turned around and started walking down one of the floor's wings. Blaine followed, intrigued by the idea of a drink and desperate to replicate that sense of home in every way he could. Being half buzzed on whatever he could get his hands on was definitely part of that experience.
"I'm glad you came alone," Sebastian said. Blaine felt his cheeks heat up a bit as he remembered how bold Sebastian was. He missed this, even if it had only been a few days since the last time they "ran into each other" at the Lima Bean. "Although does this mean you don't have a sober cab?"
"I was hoping I could crash here." Blaine realized he was probably an idiot for assuming anyone would want him sticking around for the whole night. He definitely needed to find a ride home. Maybe if he asked nicely, Rachel would come pick him up.
"Oh, yeah, of course. There's always a spot reserved for you in my bed," Sebastian said with a wink. Blaine smiled and gave Sebastian a playful shove. Yep, he missed all of this.
They returned to the rest of the group after Sebastian poured Blaine his own plastic cup of wine, and the night was off to a great start. He spent the first hour sipping on Sebastian's bougie red wine and destroying Thad in Smash, then the next 40 minutes listening to all the Warblers describe their performance at Sectionals to the very last detail. Sebastian interrupted them several times to remind them that Blaine was their competition, but no one seemed to care.
After all of that, he ended up crammed onto a chair meant for one person with Nick while getting interrogated about Kurt and McKinley. He answered questions like "do they actually write their setlists the day before competition?" and "how do they decide who gets solos?" and eventually more personal things like "what's it like being back at public school?" and "is Kurt treating you right?"
Blaine answered all of them honestly, not bothering to filter himself anymore after four glasses of wine and two hours of random bullshitting with his old best friends. Everyone there was treating him like he never left, like he was still some sort of leader to them that deserved their respect, and he couldn't have asked for anything better. He felt at home, and he wasn't about to let his doubts about Kurt and McKinley and everything else ruin this perfect night.
Around midnight, he noticed some of the Warblers disappear to their own rooms, probably to go to sleep. They obviously had a long day of competition and likely wanted to relax, but Blaine wasn't ready to give up on the night. Nick had left him alone in the chair to drunkenly recite poetry or something to Jeff (typical), so Blaine stood up and scanned the room for Sebastian, someone he knew he could count on to keep the party going all night long. He found him walking down the hall back to his room to get another refill.
"Hey, where are you going?" Blaine said, grabbing Sebastian's arm. He realized quickly he underestimated how close he was to Sebastian, and his light arm grabbing turned into him throwing himself at Sebastian's entire body, wrapping himself completely around him. "Whoa, sorry."
Sebastian smirked and turned to face Blaine. He leaned against the wall behind him, his hands holding Blaine by the waist to gently pull him out of the accidental hug. "No apologies necessary. You need another drink?"
Blaine looked down at the empty cup in his hand and nodded before pointing down the hall. "Are we going to your room to get more?"
Sebastian let out a soft laugh and nodded. He wrapped an arm around Blaine and continued down the hall until they reached Sebastian's dorm room, one of the fancy single dorms only given to seniors and super rich kids. There were two fancy looking bottles of wine already in his trash can and another half empty one on top of his mini fridge waiting to be finished off. Sebastian picked it up and started sipping from it while Blaine wandered around the room, trying to clear up his blurry vision enough to focus on the things Sebastian had hanging on the wall. But all he could really make out was a lacrosse poster and a couple of concert tickets.
The next time Blaine turned to look at Sebastian, he had finished off the third bottle of wine and was opening a fourth.
"Wait, we didn't drink all three of those bottles ourselves, right?" Blaine felt the need to ask. He knew he was well past buzzed at this point, but if he drank half of that wine, he was more fucked up than he thought.
Sebastian laughed a little as he finally popped the top off of the next bottle. "No. I donated a couple of glasses to some of the others that needed to learn what real wine tastes like." He reached for a stack of cups in the corner before turning to look at Blaine and hold eye contact while he took a sip out of the bottle.
Blaine smiled a little bit to himself at the sight, too caught up in the euphoria of the alcohol and being surrounded by everything he missed so much to care about whatever innuendo Sebastian was trying to send. This was perfect, everything about it.
He collapsed onto the floor with a huge grin, the back of his head hitting Sebastian's bedframe as he leaned back against the mattress. Sebastian stood on the other side of the room sipping out of the bottle of wine for a moment while he watched Blaine before joining him on the floor, their legs only a few inches apart and Blaine way too drunk and happy to care.
"So," Sebastian started, passing the bottle to Blaine in the process. "You've been saying a lot tonight about McKinley. Aren't you the least bit concerned one of us is taking notes to use to our advantage at Regionals?"
Blaine shrugged and took a sip from the bottle. "You sound like my boyfriend."
"Take it back right now. I've never felt more insulted," Sebastian joked, yanking the bottle of wine back from Blaine. He appeared to be kidding, but there was a truthful side to every one of Sebastian's jokes, and part of Blaine wondered how real it was. "How drunk are you right now?"
"Me?"
"Is there anyone else in this room?"
Blaine glanced around the room, then at the door which was almost completely shut with only an inch of space showing the hallway. They really were alone, but Blaine didn't mind. "I'm pretty drunk, not gonna lie," he said before taking another swig of the bottle. He watched out of the corner of his eye while Sebastian studied him, looking much more collected and surer of himself than Blaine ever was. It was a relief to see someone so comfortable in their own skin.
"We were talking about ideas for Regionals before you got here," Sebastian said when there were a few moments of silence between them. "They showed me some old rehearsal footage of numbers you all cut last year."
Blaine turned to look at him, passing the bottle of wine back to Sebastian in the process. This interested him more than he would've liked to admit. "What old footage?"
"My personal favorite was that Maroon 5 song. Misery, right? You killed it. Why'd you guys cut it from competition?"
Blaine looked down, finally, and wished he could find a way to justify it. But it would sound ridiculous to Sebastian, and he could practically hear him mocking him already. And he was definitely too drunk to explain his reasoning at the time.
"I ended up suggesting a duet with Kurt instead," Blaine admitted quietly. "Candles by Hey Monday."
Sebastian's eyes widened, but not in the sexy way they did when Blaine said something intriguing that surprised him. No, this was more disgust. Surprised, yes, but also disgust. "That was your idea?"
Blaine nodded as he started to panic that he said something wrong. "What?"
"Nothing, it's just…no offense, Blaine. You're hot and pretty much everything that comes out of your mouth is brilliant. But that idea? Not a personal favorite of mine."
This wasn't a secret. Blaine knew the performance didn't go over well, especially with the judges. He also knew he only convinced the other Warblers to let him do it because they wanted to help him out with Kurt. And part of him only suggested it so that Kurt wouldn't resent him for always getting the solos (which was clearly a failed attempt since Kurt still complained about it every chance he got). Until he transferred, a lot of the Warblers continued to joke about the performance. It was never at Blaine's expense, of course, but the homophobic judges from regionals became somewhat of a recurring joke at Dalton.
"Well, we lost, so maybe we should've stuck with Misery," Blaine eventually said. He shrugged and took a large sip of wine. He had enough of regretting that performance or really anything that happened that year. Kurt kept reassuring him that none of that mattered because they ended up together, and that was the biggest accomplishment of the year. But part of him still looked back on his sophomore year with the Warblers as a giant "what if."
The two of them locked eyes for a long minute when Blaine handed the bottle back. He might've been very drunk, but he was convinced he saw something in Sebastian's gorgeous green eyes that he'd never seen before. He looked soft, content. Happy. The corners of his lips were tipped upward in a quiet smile. Not a smirk, but an actual smile. His eyes were smiling too, somehow looking fuller and more colorful than Blaine had ever seen them. He never noticed how absolutely perfect and happy they seemed whenever they looked at Blaine's.
Sebastian's eyes only left Blaine's for a moment, glancing down, but Blaine barely noticed. He craved the intimacy of the prolonged eye contact again. He probably could've looked into those eyes forever.
The realization hit him like a brick and suddenly Blaine was shaking his head and breaking away, staring back down at the bottle in Sebastian's hands and hoping Sebastian didn't notice the sudden change in events. He couldn't let himself get caught up in eye contact or the comfort of Sebastian's leg pressed against his or the warmth of his breath on his lips or the coloring in Sebastian's eyes. God his eyes…
No. He needed to stop himself from getting carried away, acting out of passion instead of logic, like he always did, and hurting people he cared about. He never thought with his brain, only his heart. It's what ended up outing Jerimiah in that mortifying Gap incident. It's basically what got him beat up and put in the hospital at that stupid high school dance. If he just listened to his brain and didn't take another boy to the dance, none of that would've happened.
It's also what resulted in him transferring to McKinley. Following his heart and leaving his brothers behind…
But that wasn't the same thing, right? He loved Kurt. Kurt was his soulmate. He transferred because it felt right, in his brain and in his heart. That's what Kurt kept saying, enough that Blaine almost started to believe it.
Kurt. Kurt was the real reason why he couldn't let himself gaze into Sebastian's eyes like he was lost, and the spots of blue and gold hidden behind the green were like a lighthouse guiding him home. Kurt was supposed to be the lighthouse. He couldn't get caught up in whatever this was with Sebastian just because Kurt wasn't here. Just because Kurt cancelled on him at the last minute without so much as an apology. Just because Kurt abandoned him in his time of need when he felt like he wouldn't be able to breathe if he spent another minute in the hallway at McKinley.
It suddenly felt like he was suffocating again, like even the thought of being back in those halls where no one paid attention to him or cared when he had a bad week and needed someone to just be there.
Blaine inhaled, trying to catch his breath before he completely broke down again. He refused to do that here, to burden Sebastian with all of that. He felt his hand hit the floor as he braced himself and fixated on a lamp sitting on Sebastian's nightstand.
He focused on breathing and tried not to worry about how insane Sebastian probably thought he was for freaking out over a couple of seconds of eye contact, even though it wasn't really about that at all. Well, maybe it was part of it.
It wasn't an anxiety attack, not this time. He didn't get them very often, but after a couple of times, he'd figured out how to prevent it from happening as long as he was able to catch it early enough. But he still knew if he didn't take a second to relax, he wouldn't be able to stop it.
This all happened in only a few seconds and Sebastian was almost immediately spinning on the floor to face Blaine and reaching out for his hand so that Blaine would know he was there. "Is something wrong?"
Blaine started to shake his head but stopped himself. He didn't need to deny it. Sebastian was his friend. He wasn't a burden. He wanted Blaine to be there, singled him out on Facebook to invite him to this party then shared an expensive bottle of wine in his dorm. He cared. "I'm okay. I just…panicked for a second."
Sebastian nodded and moved to sit against the bed beside him again, this time leaving a few more inches between them. Somehow Blaine found himself missing the touch, however innocent and light it was. "Do you want to talk about it?"
All of Blaine's survival instincts said no, and he was about to say it out loud, but the last thing he wanted was another person who thought he was fine when every day he was dying inside trying to make everyone around him happy. He never talked about this. Not with his parents who loved him but would rather avoid talking about serious stuff. Not with his friends at Dalton or McKinley who always seemed to be mixed up in their own drama or worried more about show choir than their own mental health. Not with Kurt who he barely talked to about anything anymore, much less complaints about McKinley.
"You're gonna think it's stupid," Blaine said instead. He didn't really mean it or actually think Sebastian would ever think anything he had to say was stupid, but it was a defense mechanism. He always thought his problems were stupid until someone told him he wasn't exaggerating.
"Try me," Sebastian said, reaching out his hand again to hold onto Blaine's.
The touch warmed his entire body, and suddenly all Blaine wanted was for Sebastian to know he trusted him enough to tell him the truth. "I've had panic attacks before and it's just that…" He paused, taking a breath and a chance to look over at Sebastian, who was listening so intently that Blaine felt bad for being surprised. "I don't know. I had a hard week. I started thinking about everything all at once and it got to be a little bit too much. I needed to catch my breath."
"My mom gets those," Sebastian replied, his voice soft and hesitant, as if he wasn't sure if telling Blaine about this would be too much information, even after everything else. "Hers aren't very bad, but I've helped her before."
Blaine nodded as he looked over at him again just to remind himself of how beautiful Sebastian looked when he was being sincere like this. "Mine aren't bad either. And it's only happened a couple of times. But I just had one yesterday at school…well, actually right before you messaged me."
Sebastian watched him, and Blaine wished he could understand what he was thinking like Sebastian always seemed to understand him. But his eyes gave nothing away and Blaine started to wish he didn't say anything until Sebastian spoke again. "What happened?"
Blaine knew he shouldn't complain about Kurt or McKinley to Sebastian. But who else was he supposed to talk to? Kurt was his best friend, and they couldn't talk about any of that, especially right now when Kurt wasn't even here and when he literally hung up on Blaine when he tried to bring it up. "McKinley is a lot," he started to explain, looking down at his hand still locked with Sebastian's and finding himself wishing he could feel that warmth forever. "Kurt is…well, he's busy. All the time. College applications and student council elections and family stuff. It's always something." He took a moment to look around the room, wondering how much he should explain, how many details it would be okay to give. "And no one in the New Directions will listen to me. Ever. I have so many ideas, and they won't even listen before they reject them. Finn glares at me every time I open my mouth like I have no right to speak."
"Stupid," Sebastian mumbled under his breath.
"What?"
"They're being stupid. Have they even seen you perform? You're more talented than anyone in that school. Rachel Berry is the only one who comes anywhere close, and she's the most annoying person I've ever met," he explained, and it only took him a moment before he was squeezing Blaine's hand and using his other hand to slowly reach for Blaine's chin and move it so they were facing each other again.
Blaine tried to resist but couldn't find the strength to turn away again. His eyes were magnetic, holding Blaine's and convincing him that he might die if he tried to break the contact. Probably not how you're supposed to feel about a friend, but he was drunk, and this was easy and so comfortable that he definitely didn't have the energy to resist. "Thanks. They just don't see it that way."
"Does Kurt just not say anything?" He could see the hesitance in Sebastian while he worked up the courage to ask the question that he probably shouldn't have asked. It was rare that Blaine complained to him about Kurt. It always felt too real the second he brought it up to someone else, especially to Sebastian who'd made it his mission in life to "steal Blaine away" as Kurt liked to say. But sometimes it just needed to be said.
"He keeps telling me that they'll learn to love me. And reminding me that it's not like Dalton. And I totally get that; I'm not trying to make McKinley just like Dalton. But he says it like at Dalton, my ideas were the only ones that mattered, and I just can't handle McKinley because I'm not the center of attention anymore." It was something he'd been self-conscious about since the transfer. He didn't want to be the guy constantly craving everyone else's attention. He didn't want to steal Kurt's spotlight in his senior year. All he wanted was to fit in and to win nationals as a team.
Sebastian literally rolled his eyes and Blaine felt his grasp around his hand tighten a little bit, like he thought Blaine might pull away again. "He's clearly not listening to you."
It should've been obvious but hearing someone else vocalize it opened Blaine's eyes to the truth that it wasn't all in his head. Kurt wasn't listening to him; no one was. "I know," Blaine acknowledged. This time, he didn't even wish he could take it back. He knew he needed to come to terms with what it was going to be like at McKinley. "I guess I just miss Dalton sometimes. And I miss…"
You.
It was a word on the tip of his tongue that he couldn't quite get out. He didn't know how he could miss someone who was sitting right here. He never went to school with Sebastian or even spent that much time with him, but he wished he had. He wished they could've had the opportunity to get closer and be the best friends that they probably could've been had Blaine decided to stay at Dalton. He missed this idea of Sebastian that he kept seeing hints of but never spent enough time around to get the full picture.
Sebastian didn't say anything. He stared back at Blaine and understood what he meant. It was so easy to talk to him, much easier than with anyone at McKinley or the guys that used to be his friends at Dalton. He understood Blaine in a way he was sure no one else could. It was almost scary.
"I haven't been this drunk in a really long time," Sebastian said, which surprised Blaine because he didn't seem that drunk at all. Maybe he was just a very coordinated, sober passing drunk. Now that was an attractive quality, especially for someone that was a messy drunk like Blaine. "So, if I sound crazy, it's probably because I'm wasted. But can I tell you something?"
Blaine nodded eagerly. Sebastian sounded real, like he was done with the games and flirting and ready to say something that really mattered. Blaine wanted to know this side of Sebastian, the one that came out late at night drunkenly confessing whatever he was about to say. He wanted to understand the vulnerable parts of him, the things he didn't let anyone see unless he really trusted them. He wanted Sebastian to trust him.
"Anything," Blaine said, his eyes so deadlocked on Sebastian's that he felt them almost start to water before he forced himself to blink.
Sebastian took a deep breath and a long sip from the already half empty bottle of wine. Then he turned to Blaine and glanced between his lips and his eyes, like that look alone would reveal all of his secrets. "I like you a lot, Blaine." He sounded so hesitant and vulnerable, like this was a matter of life and death, and he'd lose Blaine forever if he admitted it. "And it really fucking sucks that you have a boyfriend because I think you might be the only person I've ever liked this much."
On some level, Blaine always knew this. He knew Sebastian wanted more from him than just friendship. But he never processed that there could be real feelings involved. Maybe he was just completely clueless, but all of Sebastian's communication with him so far had revolved around flirting and drinking without much of a consideration for what was beneath all of that. So, Blaine never thought Sebastian would actually want to be with him for real. It gave him a lot to think about that he wasn't currently capable of thinking about. Part of him wished he wasn't drunk. The other part of him was painfully aware that none of this would've happened if they were sober.
"You like me?"
Sebastian nodded, holding the bottle almost completely turned upside down as it poured into his mouth.
Blaine needed to put him out of his misery. He wanted to say he liked him, too. It wouldn't have been a lie to say he was coming to terms with having some type of feelings for him. But there was also Kurt. Kurt who he transferred schools to be with. Kurt who wasn't actually here but was on Blaine's mind in a way he couldn't just ignore.
But Sebastian deserved the truth. And maybe Blaine was just a little bit too drunk to be having this conversation, but he didn't think Sebastian deserved for Blaine to abandon him at a time like this after he'd just opened up. So, he turned to look at him, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "I think I like you, too," he whispered, like it was a bad word he'd get in trouble for saying. He probably would.
They shared that deep intimacy again; the prolonged eye contact that Blaine broke away from earlier when he felt himself panicking. Their legs touched again, and their hands locked together, and Sebastian's eyes glanced down at Blaine's lips, and Blaine knew there was nothing he could do. He was a lost cause. This was perfect and exactly what he wanted and…but how could he want this when he was with Kurt? How could he want this when Sebastian was just a friend? Maybe one of his best friends, but still a friend.
Sebastian was leaning in, so slowly that it was hard to notice until his lips were almost touching Blaine's, and his breath was warming Blaine's skin. Blaine's eyes closed, and he was certain that he was about to screw everything up because it would be so easy to just let it happen. Kiss Sebastian, run away to Dalton and escape the horrors of this long and exhausting year alone. When he felt Sebastian's hand on his cheek, warm and sincere and always wanting more, Blaine knew he was capable of giving in. He could kiss him if he wanted to. He was right here, so close that only the slightest of movements could slot their lips together in a smooth and necessary motion that would solidify how much Blaine had fucked up everything. And he knew it would feel good. He could already almost taste it, what it would be like to kiss him and hold him close and never let anyone ever tell him he shouldn't have done it.
But he couldn't.
He left Dalton, by his own free will. He chose Kurt. Kissing Sebastian wouldn't change any of that. It would probably just mess everything up even more. No one at McKinley would be able to look at him much less listen to his ideas if they found out he cheated on Kurt. He had to pull away.
Moving away from Sebastian was no easy feat. Their bodies were almost completely locked together, with their hands holding onto each other tighter than Blaine thought possible and their eyes in sync and their legs almost intertwined. But he knew he had to do it.
Blaine broke away before he could spend another second indulging in this fantasy. Because that's what it was, really. A fantasy. Kissing Sebastian and running away wouldn't fix anything. This was stupid. He was dating Kurt. He needed to find Kurt. He needed to tell him how he felt and how alone and scared he was that he did the wrong thing by switching to McKinley. And he most definitely could never tell Kurt about this.
"I'm sorry," Blaine blurted out before he could stop himself. He frantically turned away from Sebastian, setting the bottle of wine at his side and staring straight forward. He'd already messed up more than he ever thought he could, and he felt like a complete idiot for putting himself in this situation in the first place. Kurt would've said "I told you so" and Sebastian was probably even more confused now than he was before.
Sebastian looked at him for a second before he shook his head and reached for the bottle of wine. Blaine wanted to stop him and say that he didn't need to move or drink or whatever he was doing to cope with Blaine's misleading. He wanted Sebastian to know how much this meant to him, how important he was to him as a friend and maybe a little bit more and a reminder that he wasn't completely alone and that there were people in the world who valued him more than he could ever know. "No, it's okay. I shouldn't have…it's fine, Blaine."
He didn't sound mad, just maybe a little bit hurt, and it was a hint of emotion that Blaine had never seen from him before. Blaine didn't think he had the power to hurt someone like Sebastian, who could've easily found some other guy to make out with, probably within the hour. But Sebastian looked flustered and confused and vulnerable, and Blaine needed to fix it.
"I…" Blaine started, not really sure of where the sentence was going even as he opened his mouth. "I need to talk to Kurt, I think. Figure out where his head is at."
Sebastian nodded, and he didn't look the least bit surprised. Blaine felt like an asshole for stringing him along this whole time. Part of him wished he'd just given in. "I get it."
"Sebastian, I wasn't lying," he said, grabbing Sebastian's hand to force him to look over. Their eyes met, and Blaine knew this was going to be hard to say. "I do have feelings for you. And it's not just the wine talking. But there are some things I need to sort out."
What he needed to sort out seemed to be breaking up with Kurt. It was really the only way to handle this situation. But it would take time, and he still wasn't entirely sure if he'd be able to do it after everything. Even if he wasn't happy, he'd turned his entire life around to be with Kurt. Transferring schools, pissing off his parents, losing all of his friends, putting himself back in a public school that reminded him way too much of the person he used to be before Dalton. He wasn't sure if he had the strength to say all of that had been for nothing. All he wanted was the option to do it all over again, stay at Dalton and let things fizzle out with Kurt like they probably would have, try things with Sebastian, see if there was more to it than just chemistry and flirting and alcohol-induced confessions.
But he couldn't do that. He had to do this the hard way.
"I know," Sebastian said, and Blaine believed him. He believed that Sebastian knew everything, that he understood him in a way no one else did, and that meant he understood that Blaine had feelings for him and for Kurt and that he messed up his entire life just to be with Kurt, so he couldn't throw it all away. He understood that Blaine couldn't kiss him now or immediately jump into a new relationship before he had the chance to figure out how Kurt and McKinley and Dalton and the New Directions all fit into that. And he understood that they were drunk, and this could all change when they woke up the next morning, but he also understood that it wouldn't change because they'd crossed some sort of metaphorical line that they couldn't go back from. He understood it all, and Blaine loved him for that.
It was late, something like 1:30 a.m. which might have normally been an early night for Sebastian, but it definitely wasn't after a long day of competition. Blaine had no way to get home, not now that he'd been drinking, and Sebastian had offered for Blaine to crash in his room long before either of them got into this weird existential conversation about feelings and happiness and the future. So, Blaine looked over at him and smiled.
"Is it weird now if I ask to sleep over?" He asked, the hint of a laugh on the tip of his tongue.
Sebastian rolled his eyes playfully, and stood up, reaching for Blaine's hand. "No. But only if you're not gonna be weird about sharing my bed."
They were both too drunk to get up and change clothes or do anything more than crawl up into Sebastian's bed, one that was way too small to be shared. Sebastian was clearly very tired, already shutting his eyes after a couple of seconds. Blaine realized he needed to take this opportunity to say what he needed to say, or he'd never say it at all. Sebastian needed to know.
"I need time," he started, and Sebastian's eyes opened just a little bit to look at Blaine as he spoke. "But one day, hopefully soon, I'll figure it all out, and I promise you'll be the first person I tell when I do."
That seemed to be enough for him because Sebastian gave Blaine a soft smile and squeezed his hand before drifting off to sleep.
Blaine was right. It would take time. But this time, he was certain he would take that time to actually figure out what he wanted. He would think about it all: school, glee club, his friends, Kurt, Sebastian. He wouldn't make any rash decisions or throw himself into love before he was ready to handle it. But that just meant that when he did figure it all out, when he was ready to break up with Kurt and go back to Dalton and hopefully maybe have something with Sebastian, it would all be real.