AUTHOR'S NOTE: Presenting a NEW and EXCITING proposition! A Shitpost in a Fanfic Format!

Featuring EXPLOSIONS! NOW IN ACTIVISION!

HAIL LORD XENU!

Forks, Washington

2012 AD

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. God was in Heaven, the Pope was in Rome, the EU was in Brussels, the President was in DC, Jeff Bezos was in Seattle, and the Governor was in Olympia.

But Bella Swan and Edward Cullen were in Forks, so to hell with all them!

Matter of fact, the two of them were wandering through a misty forest on a cloudy evening and were sitting on a grassy clearing as they began to discuss their feelings and thoughts that day.

"Bella, I watched the Super Bowl this year. Why? BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT! I've watched the Super Bowl every year since Nineteen-Dickety-Two. Back then, we had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty! I chased that bastard to get it back, but stopped after dickety-six miles! That's when I invented the terlet. I spent four years on that terlet!"

"I feel you there, Bella. The Super Bowl ain't what it used to be. Why do we even bother watching that shit anyway?"

"Well, I watch the Super Bowl for one reason. It's because I have no religion. I was raised Unitarian, it didn't work out and so I looked at all the other religions, didn't like what I saw and said "Eh, fuck it!" before going on my merry way. But I do think it's important for Mankind to have a sacred ritual of some sort lest they become a fedora-tipping douchebag who worships Science like a soulless monster. And the Super Bowl takes place on a Sunday, so I'm trying."

"Yeah. They had eight hours of a pre-game show. Who's watching that? I'd rather go ice fishing, which is one of the dumbest things a person can do. You're sitting in an outhouse on a frozen lake. You've cut a hole in the ice and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat because any fish that's down there is fucking stupid!"

"Eight hours of a pregame show. At this point, they might as well shove a camera up their ass and show you what they had for lunch. They'd be like "Oh, he had some pork and a little bit of cornbread today. That's why he only made eight yards!" And don't think it won't happen, Edward. Don't think it won't happen! They've already shown us everything else. There's only one place left to go!"

"Exactly. I watched to the first commercial break and by the time they got back from commercials, I didn't know who was playing. And by the time the second commercial break was over, I didn't care who was playing. Basically, I was just watching for the commercials. How fucked up is that shit?"

"Hey, man. Those Super Bowl commercials are fucking awesome! Some of them are like mystery stories. Like you'll have one where it's two rabbits sitting on a log. One goes home and hangs himself. Buy a bike!"

"I know, right? There's this one commercial I love. It's a Pepsi commercial. It stars Hatsune Miku and those twinky K-Pop queers from BTS and they're singing about Pepsi but you don't actually know what they're singing about because they can't fucking sing. So, what you have instead is this: Titty, titty, titty. ASS! ASS! ASS! Titty! Titty! Titty! ASS! ASS! BIG ASS! Titty! Titty! Titty! Titty! Ass! Ass! Titty ass! Titty ass! Right after Titty Titty Ass, they cut to a giant billboard. And on that billboard is a Pepsi bottle. The biggest Pepsi bottle you'll ever see. The cap pops off and out shoot fireworks into the night sky as high as it can go! And you know what that is, don't you?"

"What, Bella?"

"Well that is an ejaculation. I know because I've had a few. There may not have been bright colors but a futa woman can dream! And that's not the weirdest part. Because after the Pepsi bottle jizzes fireworks, they cut to Joe Biden watching the commercial on TV. And he's not even in his own house. He's in a bunker out there somewhere, far away from Jill Biden! And he's watching it with HIS DOG! And he looks at the dog and says "Easy, big fella!" like he's holding the dog's dick or something. I felt unclean after that. I had to shower and everything."

Just then, as they were sitting there, a black Cadillac sedan with tinted windows pulled up. Out stepped a lanky dorky looking dude with bad 70's style hair. He was holding a badge.

"Detective Dutch Wagenbach, Los Angeles Police Department."

"What are you doing here? LAPD doesn't have jurisdiction in Forks, Washington!"

"I converted. Anywho, where was I? Oh, right..."

Clearing his throat, Dutch flashed his badge and pulled out his gun.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, you are under arrest."

"What for?"

"THE LAST FOUR BOOKS! Sparkling in the sunlight, not drinking human blood, being a goody-goody two-shoes Marty Stu! And that's not all! There's the Armenian Money Train, the murder of Terry Crowley, the fellatio incident (Episode Eleven), and a laundry list of other crimes including fraud, false advertisement, exploiting the elderly, and baby trafficking. Bella told us everything in exchange for full immunity from prosecution! You're going away for a long time, Eddie Bro!"

"WHAT? You sold me out, Bella! You said we were going to run! We were going to run together! We were going to steal an electric floor buffer and ride it to Mexico! GODDAMN YOU, BELLA SWAN!"

Dutch Wagenbach slapped the cuffs onto Edward and hauled his sparkly ass straight to jail to stand trial for his crimes...