If you recognize it, then I probably don't own it

Chapter 4: Nature

I was having a bad week.

I knew that essentially nothing had changed. Okay, so Victoria hadn't given up, but had I ever dreamed she had for one moment that she had? Her reappearance had only confirmed what I'd known. No fresh panic.

In theory. But panicking was easier than not panicking.

Graduation was only a few weeks away, but I wondered if it wasn't a little foolish to sit around, weak and tasty, waiting for the next disaster. It seemed too dangerous to be human—just begging for trouble. Someone like me shouldn't be human. Someone with my luck ought to be a little helpless.

But no one would listen to me.

Carlisle had said, "There are seven of us, Miri. And with Alice on our side, I don't Victoria's going to catch us off guard. I think it's important, for Charlie's sake, that we stick with the original plan."

Esme had said, "We'd never allow anything to happen to you, sweetheart. You know that. Please don't be anxious." And she'd kissed my forehead.

Emmett had said, "I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. Everything's so much more fun with you around."

Rosalie had glared at him.

Alice had rolled her eyes and said, "I'm offended. You're not honestly worried about this, are you?"

"Yeah, I don't know why I'm upset. It's almost like some psycho bitch trying to kill me was enough to convince Edward to drag me to Norcal?"

"Haven't you noticed yet, Miri, that Edward is just the teeniest bit prone to overreaction?"

Jasper had silently erased all the panic and tension in my body with his curious talent of controlling emotional atmospheres. I'd felt reassured, and let them talk me out of my desperate pleading.

Of course, that calm had worn off as soon as Edward and I had walked out of the room.

So the consensus was that I was just supposed to forget that a deranged vampire was stalking me, intent on my death. Go about my business.

I did try. And surprisingly, there were other things almost as stressful to dwell on besides my status on the endangered species list…

Because Edward's response had been the most frustrating of them all.

"That's between you and Carlisle," he'd said. "Of course, you know that I'm willing to make it between you and me anytime you wish. You know my condition." And he had smiled angelically.

Ugh. I did know his condition. Edward has promised that he would change me himself whenever I wanted…just as long as I married him. Bleh.

Sometimes I wondered if he was only pretending that he couldn't read my mind. How else had he struck upon the one condition that I would have trouble accepting? The one condition that would slow me down. My choice was between two permanent deaths—only one would I wake up in three days and walk away. And between both my deaths I favored the one where I wasn't taking a long dirt nap.

All in all, a very bad week. And today was the worst day in it.

It was always a bad, scary day when Edward was away. Alice had foreseen nothing out of the ordinary, so I'd insisted he'd take the opportunity to go hunting with his brothers. I knew how it bored him to hunt the easy, nearby prey.

"Go have fun," I'd told him. "Bag a few mountain lions for me."

I would never admit to him how hard it was for me when he was gone—how it brought back the abandonment nightmares. If he knew that, it would make him feel horrible and he would be afraid to ever leave me, even for the most necessary reasons. It had been like when he'd first returned from Italy. His golden eyes had turned black and he'd suffered from his thirst more than it was already necessary that he suffer. So I put on a brave face and all but kicked him out the door whenever Emmett and Jasper wanted to go.

I think he saw through me, though. A little. This morning there had a note left on my pillow:

I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart—I've left it with you.

So now I had a big empty Saturday with nothing but my morning shift at Newton's Olympic Outfitters to distract me. And, of course, the oh-so-comforting promise from Alice.

"I'm staying close to home to hunt. I'll only be fifteen minutes away if you need me. I'll keep an eye out for trouble."

Translation: don't think you can try shit just because Edward is gone.

Alice was certainly just as capable of crippling my truck as Edward was.

I tried to look on the bright side. After work, I had plans to help Angela with her announcements, so that would be a distraction. And my dad was in a rare good mood, probably some sports team thing and also because Edward was away. I would enjoy his mood while it lasted. Alice would spend the night, if Edward were desperate enough, and tomorrow he would return.

Not wanting to be ridiculously early to work, I took my time. I took each pill separately making sure to wash them down with a health gulp of orange juice instead of dry swallowing and drinking from the bottle as usual. I tried to eat breakfast slowly, but Eggo Waffles are easy to wolf down. Then, after I'd put my mug into the dishwasher I rearranged the poetry magnets on the fridge to read: "drunk sorcerer who fears the sun, why did you drink the moon, to quench your thirst"

The magnets were my favorite, I had bought them recently with my tax refund, and almost every day I changed the poem. My favorites were: "I wake up at noon with no pants cursing the sun" and "Three stars twists like roots of a tree, ready to break free of their curse"

It was still too early to go to work, so I made another Eggo Waffle, but it was ready to quickly and I ate it just as fast. So I pulled on my shoes and decided it was better to be early than stay late.

…

When I got to Newton's, Mike was methodically dry mopping the aisles while his mom arranged a new end cap. I caught them in the middle of an argument, unaware that I had arrived.

"But it's the only time Tyler can go," Mike complained. "You said after graduation—"

"You're just going to have to wait," Mrs. Newton snapped. "You and Tyler can think of something else to do. You are not going to Seattle until the police stop whatever it is that is going on there. I know Beth Crowley has told Tyler the same thing, so don't act like I'm the bad guy—oh, good morning, Miri," she said when she saw me, brightening her tone quickly, "You're early."

Karen Newton was the last person I'd think to ask for help in an outdoor sports equipment store. Her perfectly blown out bottle blonde hair was always elegantly twisted on the back of her neck, her fingernails were polished by the only professionals in town (though I was just as good if not better than then them), as were her toe nails—visible through strappy sandals that didn't resemble anything Newton's offered on the long row of hiking boots.

"Just wanted to see if you wanted extra help this early," I said, as I grabbed a dark green vest from under the counter. I was surprised that Mrs. Newton was as worked up as my father, but since Edward said it was vampires behind it, I was glad she put the kibosh on Mike and Tyler going.

"Well, er…" Mrs. Newton hesitated for a moment, playing uncomfortably with a stack of flyers she was arranging by the register.

I stopped with one arm through my vest. I knew that look.

When I'd let the Newton's know I was planning on putting in my two weeks after graduation—abandoning them during their busiest season, summer—they'd started training Katie Marshall to take my place. They couldn't really afford both of us in my roll (dual trained on register and stock) at the same time, so when it looked like a slow day…

"I was going to call," Mrs. Newton continued. "I don't think we're expecting a ton of business today. Mike and I can probably handle things. I'm sorry you got up so early and drove out…"

On a normal day, I would be mixed with irritation and elation at the sudden day off and the lack of pay. Today, not so much.

"Sure," I sighed. My shoulders slumped, I could always give myself a new manicure. But I had just done a one with magnetic polish last night.

"That's not fair, Mom," Mike said, "If Miri want's to work—"

"No, its fine, Mrs. Newton. Really, Mike. I should probably study for finals." I didn't want to be the source of familial fracturing, when they were already in an argument.

"Thanks, hon, remind me to make an appointment when you start your at home nail business." She said to me, reminding me of my excuse for quitting, she turned to her son and in a different voice said, "Mike, you missed aisle four. Um, Miri, do you mind throwing these flyers in the dumpsters on the way out? I told the girl who left them that we don't allow that here. But she left them on one of the shelves anyway."

"Sure no problem." I put my vest away, and tucked the flyers under my arm and headed out into the misty rain.

The dumpster was around the side of Newton's, next to where we were supposed to park. I shuffled along, kicking pebbles on my way. I was about to fling the stack of bright yellow papers into the trash when the heading printed in bold header seized my attention.

I clutched the papers in both hands as I stared at the picture beneath the caption. A lump rose in my throat.

SAVE THE OLYMPIC WOLF

Under the words, there was a detailed drawling of a wolf in front of a fir tree, its head thrown back in the act of baying at the moon. It was a disconcerting picture; something about the wolf's plaintive posture made him look forlorn. Like he was howling in grief.

And then I was running to my truck, the flyers still locked in my grip.

Fifteen minutes—that's all I had. But it should be long enough. It was only fifteen minutes to La Push, and surely I would cross the boundary line a few minutes before I hit the town.

My truck roared to life without any difficulty.

Alice couldn't have seen me doing this, because I hadn't planned it. A snap decision that was the key! And as long as I moved fast, I should be able to capitalize it.

I'd thrown the flyers in my haste, and they are scattered in a bright mess across the passenger seat—a hundred bolded captions, a hundred dark howling wolves outlined against the dark yellow background.

I barreled down the wet highway, turning the windshield wipers on high and ignoring the groan of the ancient engine. Fifty-five was the most I could usually get my truck to go, sixty if I was lucky. Today seemed to be a fifty-five day, and I prayed it would be enough.

I had no clue where the boundary line was but I began to feel safer as I passed the first houses outside La Push. This must be beyond where Alice was allowed to follow.

I'd text her when I go to Angela's this afternoon. She didn't need to be mad at me—worked up. She didn't need to be mad at me—Edward would be a bitch enough for the two when he got back.

My truck was wheezing by the time it grated to a stop in front of the familiar faded red house. A lump in my throat forged as I stared at the place that had once been my refuge. It had been so long since I'd been here.

Before I cut the engine, Jacob was standing in the door, his face colored by shock.

In the silence when the trucks roar died, I heard him gasp.

"Mir?"

"Hey, Jake!"

"Mir!" he yelled back, and the smiled I'd been waiting for stretched across his face like the sun breaking free of the clouds. His teeth gleamed bright against his russet skin. "I can't believe it!"

He ran to the truck and half-yanked me through the open door, and then we were both jumping up the down like kids.

"How did you get here?"

"I drove!"

He rolled his eyes at me, his grin replaced with a goofy smile.

"Hey, Miri!" Billy had rolled himself into the doorway to see what all the commotion was about.

"Hey, Bil—!"

Just when my air choked off-Jacob grabbed me up in a bear hug (wolf hug) too tight to breathe and swung me around in a circle.

"Wow, it's good to see you here!"

"Can't—breathe," I gasped.

"Welcome back, Miri," he said, grinning. And the way he said the words made it sound like welcome home.

…

We started walking, too keyed up to sit still in the house. Jacob was practically bouncing as he moved, and I had to remind him a few times that my legs weren't as long as his.

As we walked, I felt myself slipping back into the person I was with Jacob. Someone who could do stupid shit and not have it be life or death, someone with a future that was die one way or the other, someone who just existed. I wondered if being with Jacob was like mindfulness.

Our exuberance lasted through the first few topics of conversation: how we were doing, what we were up to, how long I had, and what had brought me here. When I told him about the wolf flyer, his laughter echoed off the trees.

But then, as we abled past the back of the store and shoved through the thick scrub that ringed the far edge of First Beach, we got to the hard parts. All too soon we had to talk about the reasons behind our long separation, and I watched as the face of my friend hardened into the bitter mask that was too familiar already.

"So what's the story, anyway?" Jacob asked me, kicking a piece of drift wood out of his with too much force. It sailed over the sand and then clattered against the rocks. "I mean, since the last time we…well before, you know." He struggled for the words and took a deep breath and tried them again, "What I'm asking is…everything is just back to the way it was before he left. You forgave him for all that?"

I took a deep breath, "He isn't forgiven." I hoped this ended the conversation, I didn't want to talk about this, it brought up a bunch of unresolved feelings about my eventual death or diet death-lite.

Jacob's face puckered up like he'd just licked a lemon. "I wish Sam had taken a picture the night he found you last September. It would be exhibit A."

"You want a picture of me? Covered in mud, in my Scooby Doo leggings, ass up, looking for my glasses like Velma Dinkly?" I looked a mess, a mix of forest witch and feral child.

"Not for me." Then he paused, "Actually, it sounds kinda hot. Yes, I would like to see that."

"Shut the fuck up. Not even you would blame him for leaving, if you knew the reason why."

He held his breath for a few seconds, "Okay," he challenged, "Why'd he leave?"

It hurt to have him angry at me, it reminded me of the shitty afternoon, long ago, when—under the orders of Sam—he'd told me we couldn't see each other, couldn't be friends.

"He left, because he didn't think I should hang out with vampires. He thought it would be healthier if he broke it off," I added acidly, "Instead of letting me end things." I had been breaking up with him that day, hoping to be friends. It had gone horridly.

Jacob didn't say anything for a minute. Whatever he'd been planning to say, it no longer applied. I was glad he knew the most story, but if he knew Jasper had tried to kill me, he'd go full ape shit.

"He came back though," Jacob muttered, "Too bad he can't stick to a decision."

"I went to get him, remember?"

Jacob stared at me for a moment, and then he went off. His face relaxed, and his voice was calmer when he spoke.

"That's true. So I never got the story. What happened?"

I hesitated, biting my lip.

"Is it a secret?" his voice took on a taunting edge, "Are not allowed to tell me?"

"No," I snapped. "It's just a lot, not all of it good."

Jacob smiled, arrogant and turned to walk up he beach, expecting me to follow.

It was no fun being with Jacob if he was going to act like this. I trailed behind him, not sure if he would understand. I'd have to face Alice the moment I got home, so lectures were on my schedule at least.

Jacob walked to a huge, familiar piece of driftwood—an entire tree, roots and all, bleached white and beached deep in the sand; it was our tree. And I had the unnerving feelings it was going to die soon.

Jacob sat down on the natural bench, and patted the space next to him.

"I don't mind long stories. Is there any action."

I nodded as I sat next to him, "Enough."

"It wouldn't a real horror without action."

"Horror!" I giggled, "I assume you'll be providing color commentary?"

He pretended to lock his lips and then swallow the invisible key. I tried not to laugh, and failed.

"I'll have start with the boring stuff, the stuff you know," I decided, working to organize the stories in my head before I begin.

Jacob raised his hand.

"Jacob." I called on him.

"That's good," he said, "I didn't understand much that was going on at the time."

"Yeah, it was complicated. You know how Alice sees things?"

I took his scowl—the wolves weren't thrilled that the legends of vampires possessing supernatural gifts were true—for a yes, and proceeded with the account of my race through Italy to rescue Edward.

I kept it as succinct as possible—leaving out everything that wasn't essential. I tried to read Jake's face, but he was enigmatic as I explained how Alice had seen Edward plan to kill himself when he'd heard that I was dead. Sometimes Jake seemed so deep in thought, I wasn't sure if he'd heard me. He only interrupted one time. My Jake reading skill was definitely rusty.

"The fortune-telling bloo—vampire can't see us?" he echoed, his face fierce and gleeful. "Seriously? That's excellent!"

I clenched my teeth together, and we sat in silence, his face expectant as he waited for me to continue. I glared at him until he realized his mistake.

"Oops!" He said, "I didn't say the whole word, I get points for that!" He locked his lips and swallowed the key again.

His response was easier to read when I got to the part about the Vampire Mafia. His teeth clenched together, goose bumps rose on his arms, and his nostrils flared. I didn't go into specifics, I just told him that Edward had talked us out of trouble, without revealing the promise we'd had to make, or the visit we were anticipating. Jacob didn't need to have my nightmares. And the pack didn't need my death sentence either.

"Now you know the whole story," I concluded. "So it's your turn to talk. What happened while I was NorCal this weekend?" I knew Jake would give me more details that Emo Eddie. He wasn't afraid of scaring me.

Jacob leaned forward, instantly animated. "So Embry and Quil and I were running patrol on Saturday night, just routine stuff, when out of nowhere—bam!" He threw his arms out, impersonating an explosion, "There it is—a fresh trail, not fifteen minutes old. Sam wanted us to wait for him, but I didn't know you were gone, and I didn't know your friends were keeping an eye on you or not. So we took off after her at full speed, but she'd crossed the treaty line before we caught up. We spread out along the line, hoping she'd cross back over. It was frustrating, let me tell you." He wagged his head and his hair—growing out from the short crop he'd adopted when he'd joined he pack—flopped into his eyes. "We ended up too far south. The Cullens chased her back to our side just a few miles north of us. Would have been the perfect ambush if we'd known where to wait."

He shook his head, grimacing now. "That's when it got dicey. Sam and the others caught up to her before we did, but she was dancing right along the line, and the whole coven was right there on the other side. The big one. What's-his-name—"

"Emmett."

"Yeah, him. He made a lunge for her, but that redhead is fast! He flew right behind her and almost rammed into Paul. So, Paul… well, you know Paul."

I nodded.

"Lost his focus. Can't say that I blame him—the big… vampire… was right on top of him. He sprang—he was on our land. Anyway, Paul missed, and the big one got back on his side. But by then the, er, well the, uh, blonde…" Jacob's expression teetered between comical disgust and unwilling admiration as he tried to come up with a word to describe Edward's sister.

"Rosalie."

"Whatever. She got real territorial, so Sam and I fell back to get Paul's flanks. Then their leader and the other blond male—"

"Carlisle and Jasper."

He gave me an exasperated look. "You know I don't really care. Anyway so Carlisle spoke to Sam, trying to calm things down. Then it was weird, because everyone got really calm really fast. It was the other one you told me about, messing with our heads. But even though we knew what he was doing, we couldn't not be calm."

"I know how it feels."

"Really annoying, that's how it feels. Only you can can't be annoyed until afterwards." He shook his head angrily. "So Sam and the head vamp agreed that Victoria was the priority, and we started after her again. Carlisle gave us the line, so that we could follow the scent properly, but then she hit the cliffs just north of Makah country, right where the line hugs the coast for a few miles. She took off into the water again. The big one and the calm one wanted permission to cross the line to go after her, but of course we said no."

"Good. I mean, not good because she's still out there, but I'm glad on one is hurt. Emmett's never cautious enough. He could have gotten hurt."

Jacob snorted. "So did your vampire tell you we attacked for no reason and his totally innocent coven—"

"No," I interrupted. "Edward told me the same story, just without quite as many details."

"Huh," Jacob said under his breath, and he bent over t pick up a rock from among the millions of pebbles at our feet. With a casual flick, he sent it flying a good hundred meters out into the bay. "We'll be back, I guess. We'll get another shot at her."

I clenched a fist, of course she would be back. Would Edward tell me next time? I'd have to keep an eye on Alice, to look for the signs that the pattern was about to repeat…

Jacob didn't seem to notice my reaction. He was staring across the wave with a thoughtful expression on his face, his broad lips pursed. His hand was so close to mine. I could feel the heat rolling off it.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked after a long, quiet time.

"I'm thinking about what you told me. About when the fortune-teller saw you cliff diving and thought you'd committed suicide, and how it all got out of control…Do you realize that if you had just waited for me like you were supposed to, then the bl-Alice wouldn't have been able to see you jump? Nothing would have changed. We'd probably be in my garage right now, like any other Saturday. There wouldn't be any vampires in Forks, and you and me…" He trailed off, deep in thought.

He was right, it would have been a good thing to have no vampires in Forks. Even with Victoria around, they would get her… but the Cullens would have come back eventually. Or at least…one.

"Edward would have come back anyway."

"Are you sure about that?" he asked, belligerent again as soon as I spoke Edward's name.

"It might not have been so soon, hell it might have been in twenty years. And we'd have been an old married couple with a small house, and maybe a couple of—" I looked at the waves, unable to finish painting the future we could have had.

He started to say something, something I couldn't tell from his expression, but he stopped himself, took a breath, and began again.

"Did you know Sam is mad at you?"

"Me? What did I do? It's not like they would have stayed gone for long if I were still here."

"No. That's not it."

"So what's his problem, then?" I crossed my arms, "Is it because I made joke to Emily about getting him dog shampoo for his birthday?"

"No, he thought that was funny."

"What's his problem then?"

Jacob leaned down, and for a second I thought he might kiss me, but he was just scooping up another rock. He turned it over and over in his fingers; his eyes were riveted on the black stone while he spoke in a low voice.

"When Sam saw…how you were in the beginning, when Billy told them how Charlie worried when you didn't get better, and then when you started jumping off cliffs…"

I made a face. Maybe I should just free bleed my next period to get them to talk about something else.

Jacob's eyes flashed up to mine. "He thought you were the one person in the world with as much reason to hate the Cullens as he does. Sam feels sort of…betrayed that you would just let them back into your life like they never hurt you."

I didn't believe for a second that Sam was the only one who felt that way. And the acid in my voice was undeniable.

"You can tell Sam, he doesn't know what fuck is going on with me… and he can go to h—"

"Look at that," Jake interrupted me, pointing to an eagle in the act of plummeting down toward the ocean from an incredible height. It checked it itself at the last minute, only its talons breaking the surface of the waves, just for an instant. Then it flapped away, its wings straining against the load of the huge fish it had snagged.

"You see it everywhere," Jacob said, his voice suddenly distant. "Nature taking its course—hunter and prey, the endless cycle of life and death."

I didn't understand the point of the nature lecture; I guessed that he was just trying to change the subject. But he looked down at me with dark humor in his eyes.

"And yet, you don't see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle. You never see that." He grinned a mocking grin.

I bit the bottom of my lip, the acid taste still in my mouth. "Maybe the fish was trying," I said instead. Clearly my unfinished word painting was getting to both of us. "It's hard to tell what a fish is thinking. And eagles are so good looking, you know."

"Is that what it comes down to?" His voice was abruptly sharp. "Good looks?"

"Really, that's what you think I'm fixated on?"

"Is it the money, then?" he persisted.

I stood up from the tree, "I'm glad you know me so fucking well." I turned my back on him and paced away.

"Aw, Mir, don't get mad." He was right behind me; he caught my wrist and spun me around. "I'm serious! I'm trying to understand here, and I'm coming up blank."

His eyebrows pushed together angrily, and his eyes were black in their deep shadow.

"Have you thought that maybe, just maybe that I love him? Not because he's so hawt or because he's so rich!" I spat out. Anything but the whole truth of the situation. Yes I love Edward, but my life—our lives together more entangled, because I didn't want to jump off a cliff with Jacob. "Because he's loving, and smart, and decent?"

Jake shook his head, "It's impossible to understand."

"Then tell me, Jake, second to love? Is a valid reason that their Italian vampire gods or whatever they call themselves said they'll kill me. Because I know about vampires? Because I'm human and humans can't know about them. And the only reason I'm standing in front of you right now is because we gave our word that the Cullens would turn me? And Edward's only condition that he marry me? Is that enough of a reason for me to not hate them?"

Jake flinched and bit his lip. "Mir."

I could see that my words had hurt him, but I was too mad to see how my shitty situation caused him pain. He dropped my wrist and wrapped his arms around me, turning us both towards the ocean.

"I'm here," he muttered, his voice almost inaudible. "I won't let them get you."

"He won't either. He didn't know what would happen anymore than I did. He didn't sign up for this shit either. But we're both taking responsibly for our fuck-up."

Jake was shaking his head back and forth with a small, quick movement.

"You know, Jake, you're being awfully self-righteous—considering there's that wolfy thing you can do."

"I can stop this." Jake said, almost inaudible. His arms tightening around me.

"I don't see how. I mean with Victoria—you and Edward can get her. But this… I'm not putting you or the Pack at risk."

"Miri," he said, his voice slow and different. Aged. I realized that he sounded suddenly older than me—like a teacher or a parent. "What I am is born in me. It's a part of who I am, who my family is, who we all are as a tribe—it's the reason why we're still here.

"Besides that"—He looked down at me, his black eyes unreadable, "Nothing bad will happen to you. Not while I'm still breathing. I won't let it."

I rested my cheek against his fever-warm chest. Through his t-shirt, I could hear the steady beating of his heart next to my ear. It was like a lullabye, rhythmic and calling to me.

"You feel very human to me."

"I am human. Normal humans run away from monsters, Mir. And I never claimed to be normal. Just human."

Staying angry at Jake was too much energy, too much work, and soo not worth it. So I let it go, whatever had been irritating me before didn't matter. I turned my head up to Jake and smiled. "Guess both of us aren't normal humans."

"Guess not." He stared at me, his face very far away. His lower lip trembled, and he bit down on it hard.

"Jake?"

He leaned his head down and kissed me. His lips warm and soft against mine. There was an edge to this kiss, a hunger that we both had as our tongues twisted together. It had been too long since we kissed. And there would never be a guarantee that I'd kiss him again.

That was why I was here. Whatever life awaited me post-graduation, was a life with a very good chance I would never see Jake again. Because underneath the anger and the sarcasm, Jake was in pain and I was scared. Right now, it was very clear in the way he kissed me—the hunger, the desire—that he knew it too. And he didn't know how to help me either, but knew he had to try. And the way I kissed him back confirmed: Jake had become a part of me, and I had become a part of him. And there was no changing that now.

…

Sooooooo, happy new yearrrrrr. Pls review, I am actively rewriting again and I hope to have another chapter out in Jan! And GOOD NEWS! It's the imprint chapter! So I can't wait to write that!