Author: Catlover51
Genre:Angst, Romance, Tragedy
Summary: L has always been self-aware , it's one of his greatest strengths. And sometimes his weakness.
Warnings: Mentions of Death.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that are in Death Note.
L from a young age has taught himself he must be self-aware to survive the world. And in the later years, if he wants to be a great detective.
L has no one to watch out for him, except for Watari. But a sole individual, no matter how powerful or talented, can not do much good if a target is too big for them to protect.
He must be aware of his flaws. So no criminal he is chasing after can take advantage of it. L has a talent in the observance of everyone around him, including himself's actions. And he's able to go on days without sleep, with minimum consequences to his already dishevelled appearance.
He refined the methods he used to pry information off of the hands of those who seek to hide them for illegal reasons. By first learning how human emotions work. In the most clinical way, yes, but he still possesses an understanding of human emotions.
That's why, when he felt the single skipped heart beat from his chest.
He knew he was in love with Light Yagami.
Light Yagami, the main suspect of The Kira Case. So not only is Light most likely a mass murderer, he's a compulsive-liar.
It's not that L hasn't done morally-grey stuff for the sake of Justice, and his reasons for solving difficult cases aren't exactly heroic either.
But that's exactly his point, he is already a monster the way he is. If he forms a romantic relationship with Light. Let's just say his already dwindling morality would go down the drain. And the world does not need someone like that in it.
So, if you would pardon his French. But the exact moment he felt the twitch from his heart, he let out the most extensive curse to his own soul he could think of. Considering that L's a genius, that curse was pretty long and contains a lot of creative choices.
L prided himself on his self-awareness.
And L's self-awareness would be none-to-please if he jumps off to the deep end of repudiation of his feelings. Because foremost, it takes up too much space in his mind which he can use to solve the Kira Case, and denial of feelings has the tendency to turn sweet things sour. L comprehends that he can't control his feelings so it's better to accept them, only then proceed with the plan to keep them lock away. Therefore, when they inevitably surface back to your heart, you wouldn't be surprised.
L never planned to fall in love with Light Yagami; L never planned to want to get know Light more than just a suspect for the hardest case he had to solve; wanting to know who Light truly was behind that perfect facade he puts up. L knows neither did Light in all his glorious planning, ever calculated the chance of falling in love with him. L can physically see all the denial written in the face of the teenager.
Perhaps, looking back, maybe it's for the best. Light could be the stronger one between the two, and L can possess more humanity for the both of them.
And what does that say about L that he loved Light so greatly that he is willing to accept defeat if it's from Light's hand?
Well, being defeated by Light's, no, Kira's hands felt right. By no means, it did not feel good at all. It merely felt right, dying in the arms of someone he both despised and loved.
When L took on the Kira Case, it had begun the timer for his fall. L knew full well that there was a chance he may die, that made the chase that much sweeter. In the end, he surmised. It was never about Kira at all, or whether L loved Light or not, because that was written in the stars aeons ago when God created Earth. But more so, whether or not Light could see that L, the Greatest Detective, loved him.
And L reckons, in that game. They both lost.