The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to acting school. Just more madness from my tiny mind.
Break A Leg Mallory
"And that is why most TV shows based on movies are bound to fail," Archer was talking to the majority of the Agency in the bullpen. "With the following exceptions. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And What We Do In The Shadows. Those two shows are actually better than the movies."
"And ironically both about vampires," Pam added.
"Why do our conversations almost always end up about vampires?" Lana sighed.
"Not always…" Cyril shrugged. "Only like three out of five times."
"Three out of five times isn't always Lana," Archer mocked.
"I said almost always!" Lana snapped.
"Oh," Archer realized. "Well then yeah that is a valid point."
"Maybe we're trying to give the writers new ideas?" Cheryl asked.
"She still thinks our lives are part of a TV show huh?" Archer asked.
"Pretty much," Pam sighed. "I'm kind of done trying to convince her otherwise."
Mallory glided into the room. On top of her usual outfit she was wearing a red feather boa. "Greetings all. I just came to tell you that I will occupied for the rest of the afternoon."
"Doing what?" Ray asked. "Auditioning as a burlesque dancer?"
Mallory shrugged. "To be fair I do have the body for it."
"Oh no…" Archer paled. "Not the red feather boa! I know what that means!"
"She has a souvenir from the parties she used to go to at Gatsby's house?" Cheryl asked.
"Actually, pretty close," Mallory told her. "This boa was given to me as a gift after performing in my first real play by William Powell himself."
"It wasn't him…" Archer told her.
"Yes, it was!" Mallory snapped. "I was there, you weren't!"
"No, but I read the note you saved," Archer told her. "For starters the note is signed by Bill Powel, with one L!"
"Obviously he was incognito," Mallory sniffed.
"And forgot how to spell his name," Archer rolled his eyes. "Not to mention the handwriting doesn't even look like William Powell's."
"Who are you?" Mallory snapped. "Scotland Yard?"
"And didn't you say you hung around with a guy named Bill?" Archer asked. "Who turned out to be the janitor?"
"First of all, Bill was a stagehand," Mallory waved. "Who happened to take an acting class with me. He was an aspiring actor like me who was learning his trade through the ground up. And we were just a couple of kids fooling around. We didn't even know each other's last name."
"His name was Powel," Archer snapped. "With one L!"
"Besides I know I saw William Powell in the front row of the theater," Mallory went on.
"You probably saw a guy with a mustache," Archer told her.
"I know who I saw!" Mallory defended. "I got a very good look at him!"
"You had a walk on part in one scene," Archer said. "You weren't on stage long enough to see where you were let alone where anyone else was!"
"How would you know that?" Mallory challenged.
"You made me read the script of that play thirty times while I was growing up!" Archer snapped. "And I saw where you underlined your lines! Both of them!"
"I was just starting out!" Mallory told him. "It was my big break. Big things were coming for me! When I was young I knew I was destined for the stage. But destiny is a funny thing."
"If this is about how you were discovered for spying by some old agency head that isn't even alive anymore," Cheryl spoke up. "While doing a crossword puzzle we've heard it."
"Repeatedly," Ray added.
Mallory looked at the boa. "This reminds me of what could have been. The path I could have chosen. The road not travelled. But now I can recapture those days and the glory that should have been mine!"
"Mother no!" Archer protested. "Not this again!"
"Again?" Pam asked.
"Every few years or so my mother falls into the delusion that she's an actress," Archer explained. "And then she gets weird."
FLASHBACK!
"Mother…" Six-year-old Archer walked in wearing his pajamas. "I had a bad dream."
"Not now darling," Mallory was being dramatic on her bed wearing a fancy nightgown and the red feather boa. "I just want to be alone!"
"Uh, what about me?" The naked man under the covers of her bed asked.
"You can go back to your wife after I'm done with you!" Mallory snapped.
FLASHBACK!
Nine-year-old Archer was dancing with his mother in the living room of their house. "And turn and kick and turn and kick!" Mallory instructed. "Damn it Sterling! I need you to up your game if I'm going to practice and get good enough to join the Rockettes!"
"Mother we've been doing this for hours!" Young Archer moaned. "Can I go to bed?"
"You can go to bed when I get a Tony!" Mallory shouted. "Oh, who am I kidding? That's not realistic. Better make it when I get a Grammy. Seems like almost anybody can get one of those. No reason I can't."
"I miss boarding school," Young Archer moaned.
FLASHBACK!
Fifteen-year-old Archer was holding a video camera. "Okay I get why you're making me tape this, but why is Woodhouse wearing a tuxedo?"
"This is a pivotal scene Master Archer," Woodhouse told him. He was indeed wearing a tuxedo. "The camera is ready for you Ma'am."
Mallory was dressed in a fancy black outfit with feathers and stood on the stairs dramatically. "I'm ready for my closeup Woodhouse!"
FLASHBACK!
"Mama's coming out!" Mallory danced around the room in a fancy dress with the red feather boa while a room full of guests watched. "Mama's letting loose! Mama's all alone…"
"Sounds like Mama's on the sauce again," One woman whispered to another.
"Mallory never could hold her absinthe," The other woman sighed.
Meanwhile a college age Archer stood in the background. "I wonder if this is a good time to tell her I flunked out of college and I need to move back in?"
"EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES…" Mallory belted out.
"Eh," Archer took a drink and left the room. "I'm sure I can crash at a frat house for a few more weeks."
FLASHFORWARD!
"I ended up staying at two frat houses over six months," Archer remarked. "Then I made the mistake of trying to settle in a co-ed dorm. How was I supposed to know that Leslie was also a guy's name?"
"Once again Sterling," Mallory looked at him. "You are turning my moment into something stupid that's all about you! Well not this time! Not even you can rain on my parade today!"
"The day is still young," Ray warned her.
"And you aren't," Cheryl added.
Mallory took a deep breath. "Not even you lot will dampen my mood. Because I have just gotten the lead in the Ladies' Upper Society Theater's production of South Pacific!"
"As what?" Cheryl asked. "The volcano on the island?"
"No," Mallory snapped. "As Nellie Forbush."
"Aren't you a little…" Lana paused. "Mature for that part?"
"She means old," Pam spoke up. "Like really old."
"The youngest person in the cast is 59," Mallory explained. "It's the theater! You're supposed to use your imagination!"
"No, thank you," Ray winced.
"God no," Cyril moaned.
"I thought you got this out of your system the last time you tried to get a part in a play!" Archer protested. "Weren't you banned from the Ladies' Upper Society Theater? For life?"
"Not anymore," Mallory said. "The last person who blackballed me died two years ago."
"And I'm guessing this new group of talentless hacks have no idea what you did," Archer groaned.
"Only what I told them," Mallory shrugged. "The last people who ran LUST were jealous bitches. Which is true."
"LUST?" Lana asked.
"Trust me the acronym fits," Mallory waved. "It's basically a group of rich society folks playing at acting. And other activities that would make a casting couch blush."
"Sounds like you would fit right in there," Ray remarked. "What happened?"
"She said she was kicked out," Pam pointed out.
"But why was she kicked out Pam?" Ray asked.
"Oh right," Pam remarked. "That is an important detail."
"You can't blame me for getting you kicked out of this one," Archer told her. "I was only eleven when it happened. I didn't sleep with anyone."
"No, but you did kick the director in the shins!" Mallory snapped.
"That's not why you were kicked out!" Archer snapped.
"Well it didn't help!" Mallory snapped. "In fact, this time I don't want you anywhere near the theater! Or me!" She stormed out.
"Fine by me!" Archer barked as she left. "Once is too many in this lifetime!"
"What the hell happened?" Ray asked.
"You want to know what happened?" Archer asked. "I'll tell you what happened. Mother was in her Joan Crawford phase. And I happened to be the poor kid she beat with a wire hanger!"
"Not, literally right?" Pam asked.
"It came close," Archer grumbled. "Mother got a part in the play. By sleeping with the director…"
"Gasp," Ray remarked. "How shocking."
"It was an original play that the director also wrote," Archer said. "And they had a part for small boy in one of the scenes. Guess who got drafted for that part?"
FLASHBACK…
"Why do I have to do this?" Eleven-year-old Young Archer groaned as he walked onto a stage with his mother. He was wearing a sailor suit with short pants.
"Because if I'm going to be stuck with you over the summer break," Mallory told him. "You might as well be useful."
"Can't you just send me back to boarding school early?" Young Archer asked.
"No, and yes I asked!" Mallory told him. "Twice!"
"Great," Young Archer grumbled.
"Look this part calls for a nine-year-old boy," Mallory explained. "And I told the director you were nine…"
"I'm eleven!" Young Archer protested.
"Today you're nine!" Mallory snapped. "It's called acting. Besides you've lied about your age before."
"Yeah to be older," Young Archer told her. "And that's just to sneak into R rated movies or buy a beer."
"You're drinking beer at your age?" Mallory snapped. "What's wrong with the wine at our house?"
"What kid drinks wine?" Young Archer asked.
"They do in France," Mallory told him.
"You want me to be French?" Young Archer asked.
"I see your point," Mallory paused. "Listen this is very important to Mother. So don't blow this!"
"Oh yeah?" Young Archer asked. "Who are you blowing?"
Mallory slapped him. "Where did you learn to talk like that?"
"I learned from watching you!" Young Archer snapped. "And boarding school."
"Do your teachers know you boys talk like that?" Mallory asked.
Young Archer gave her a look. "Who do you think I overheard it from?"
"Just watch your mouth!" Mallory growled. "I lied through my teeth and told that god awful Madeline Bayerson that not only did you have talent, you were well behaved. So keep your mouth shut! Got it?"
Young Archer shrugged. Mallory let out a breath. "I don't know where you get your sass from. I really don't! I know it's not from Woodhouse. The man is meeker than a dormouse being berated by his wife!"
Mallory noticed something. "There goes Jacqui DeHaveralnd. God that woman needs to wear a better bra. If her tits were any lower, they'd be down to her knees!"
"Mallory Darling!" An older man dressed in a sharp white shirt, brown pants, brown shoes and a brown beret walked up to her arms wide.
"Roger!" Mallory grinned and turned on the charm. "Darling!" She embraced him and kissed him.
"Bleah…" Young Archer made a face.
"Sterling this is Roger Devonshire," Mallory said in a sweet voice. "He's our director and a very important person."
"Hello sport!" Roger tussled his hair. "How are you today?"
Young Archer responded by kicking him in the shins.
"Charming lad," Roger winced.
"He's just getting into character for his part!" Mallory said quickly. She glared at her son using a darker tone. "A sullen little brat who deserves to get spanked with a ping pong paddle!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Wow," Archer blinked. "Suddenly some things I do are starting to make a lot of sense to me."
"And a fetish is born," Cheryl sighed. "How sweet."
"So, what happened after that?" Pam asked.
"Now I admit I don't know what happened next," Archer shrugged. "Mother shoved me back stage and told me to stay out of sight until she called for me. All I remember is sneaking into someone's dressing room and…"
FLASHBACK!
"Da, da, da…" Young Archer danced around in a dressing room. Eating bon bons and wearing a black bra over his clothes. "I am pretty! I am pretty! I am pretty sexy! Oh yeah!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Eating some candy…" Archer covered with a half-truth. "But the next thing I know I hear Mother screaming like someone cut up her best fur in front of her. I knew it wasn't me so I went to see what happened."
FLASHBACK!
"Nice to see someone else get into trouble besides me…" Young Archer grumbled to himself. He had thrown the bra away into another dressing room and was smart enough to wipe off all the candy from his mouth.
He saw his mother standing off with Roger on the stage. Several performers and stagehands were watching as well. "It's not like I knew we'd be exclusive!" Mallory shouted. "But I didn't expect you to flaunt your affairs in front of my nose!"
"What are you talking about?" Roger asked.
Mallory showed the same black bra Young Archer had on. "I found this in your dressing room! And it's not mine!"
"I have no idea how that got in there!" Roger protested.
"I'm sure you don't!" Mallory snarled.
"Oh, give it up Roger," A plump glamourous woman with long brown hair in a red dress walked up to him. "I told you she'd figure it out!"
"Madeline?" Mallory gasped. "You and Roger…"
"Don't act like the victim here!" Madeline snapped. "Roger and I have been a thing for years! We have an open relationship! I only tolerated his dalliance with you because I knew it wouldn't last! Just like your acting career!"
"What the hell does that mean?" Mallory snarled as she faced off with her.
"It means you're the most obvious woman I ever met," Madeline snapped. "You couldn't act your way out of a mime class with a blind and deaf teacher!"
"Well you're not exactly Carol Channing!" Mallory snapped. "The only way you'd be in a Broadway play is if you were selling food at the concession stand. What you don't eat in secret! Spoiler alert! Not that big a secret!"
"At least I actually eat food and don't leech blood like a vampire!" Madeline snarled. "I'd rather have a few extra pounds than be a skinny lush!"
"A few extra pounds?" Mallory shouted. "You look like you're storing fat for five winters!"
"This from the Ice Queen herself!" Madeline snapped back. "Who are you kidding, Mallory? The only reason you're here is another one of your pathetic attempts at social climbing. That and Roger actually felt sorry for you!"
"Sorry for me?" Mallory shouted. "I'm not the one who has to squeeze into a bra that's clearly too small for her!" She threw the bra at Madeline.
"Hang on," Madeline did a double take. "This isn't my bra either."
"Uh…" Roger looked confused.
"Whose bra is this?" Madeline glared at Roger. "This better not be your wife's!"
"I swear I don't know!" Roger protested.
"Oh, so the bra just magically floated into your dressing room?" Mallory shouted. "You snake!"
"You creep!" Madeline snarled. She threw the bra in Roger's face and stormed out.
"Maddy! Sweetheart!" Roger begged. "Can't you see that this tramp is making this up? It's the only explanation!"
"Tramp?" Mallory shouted.
Young Archer saw it as a means to get in good with his mother. "Stop being mean to my Mother!" He ran up and kicked Roger even harder.
"YEOOWWW!" Roger hopped up on one foot. "You lousy little…" He made a motion to hit Archer.
"Don't you dare touch my son!" Mallory got in between them. "You two timing loser!"
"Why do you think I kicked him the first time?" Young Archer asked his mother. "It's so obvious he was cheating on you."
"Hear that Roger?" Mallory shouted. "Even an eleven-year-old can tell you're a louse!"
"I thought you told us he was nine?" Madeline shouted.
"And you bought that?" Young Archer asked. He turned to his mother. "He was never going to be good enough for you!"
"More like the other way around," Roger grumbled.
"WHAT?" Mallory snarled.
"To be fair Mallory," Roger remarked. "You could put on a few pounds. And cut down on the drinking. Then you might actually be more attractive."
That's when Mallory screamed and tackled Roger, strangling him. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Just another fun outing with my Mother," Young Archer sighed as several people tried to pry Mallory off of Roger.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Eventually security pried Mother off of Roger," Archer finished the story. "Then they told her in no uncertain terms that she was banned for life. And me. But honestly that was a relief."
"Wow," Lana remarked. "That's some story."
"Speaking of stories…" Ray heard a noise. "Welcome back. That was quick."
Mallory stormed in and threw her red boa in the trash. "If I ever have the urge to even think of joining those talentless hacks at that Ladies' Upper Society Theater I give you all permission to shoot me!"
"Can I have that in writing?" Ray asked.
"What happened?" Archer sighed.
Mallory sighed. "I may have had a slight misunderstanding when they called me in. I didn't get the lead in the play. It turns out I was only called back to audition…"
"Well that's not so bad," Pam said.
Mallory went on. "For the understudy of Bloody Mary!"
"That's bad," Pam remarked. "Not to mention whitewashing."
"It gets worse," Mallory stiffened. "They only invited me so that I could buy tickets for their crummy little play and try to fill up the seats. And to sell concessions!"
"I take it you voiced your displeasure strongly," Cyril quipped.
"Let's just say they're going to need a new set," Mallory told him. "Because the old one is full of bullet holes!"
"Well I tried to warn you Mother," Archer waved. "But as usual you didn't listen to me. I told you this stupid acting thing wouldn't work. It never does!"
"Archer give your mother a break!" Pam snapped. "Don't you have any compassion? Can't you see she's failed again?"
"Miserably," Cheryl grinned.
"Well this so-called production is going to fail," Mallory growled. "Because I'm going to do something I should have done years ago! Burn that theater to the ground." She stormed out.
"Eeee!" Cheryl giggled.
"You don't think she…?" Cyril gulped.
"She would," Lana sighed.
"Uh oh," Archer winced. "Oh boy. I'd better get the absinthe. Krieger you have your tranquilizer gun?"
"On it!" Krieger took out a tranquilizer gun from his pocket.
"Oh, let her have her fun and burn down the theater!" Cheryl protested. "I'll even help!"
"Krieger…" Archer sighed.
THWAP!
"Thank…You," Cheryl giggled as Krieger shot her with a dart. She passed out on the floor.
"One down," Ray quipped. "One to go."
"Now where the hell did I put that flamethrower?" Mallory's voice was heard.
"You'd better load up on extra darts," Pam told Krieger.
"On it," Krieger showed the extra darts in his lab coat.
"Come on," Archer waved as the rest of the group went to subdue Mallory. "We'd better stop Mother before she goes on a revenge rampage."
"Nobody can say we don't contribute to the performing arts," Pam quipped.