Holding Ysidro seemed so surreal that Asher could hardly believe he was holding him.
When he stepped back mentally, he had the luxury of thinking about how he got there. Being the average inclined man, he was fairly certain that not a bone in his body was born to manipulate another man. The nerves of his DNA have become confounded. He realized that the being he was embracing was not only another man but a monster. Although amongst female vampires, he was less likely to contain his desires... at least that, he was wired for. A man's instinctive urge to touch a woman is not something that has confused him.
This was something else. He couldn't face it when he knew this meant that he could very well lose the woman he loved.
Asher was not blind. He knew what attractiveness was and that it had more to do with feelings than body instincts. There was a part of him that thought about what it was to hold a female vampire, but also Ysidro in particular. When both met for the first time, this was not the case. The way the vampire placed a kiss on his neck was as scary as if a werewolf licked it. As time went on, things changed.
The more he became acquainted with Ysidro, the more he felt the desire to be close. At first, he thought it was a desire to embrace him as a father would want a son. When he looked at Ysidro during moments when they were in love with Lydia, he realized that was not true. Asher became aware of the pain of Ysidro's solitude and the pain of loving those who died before him. The vampire knew that his love for Lydia could never be, and yet he would kiss fervently nonetheless. The human knew this not because he had kissed, but he watched Ysidro die for her on several occasions.
So it was a dream to have this monster trapped underneath Asher. Ysidro resembled a bloodless ghost, and his illusion also showed Asher what he wanted. He was beautiful with long white lashes like the very edges of weathered feathers and lips formed in an ever present smirk. It was that look that Asher hated the most among men and vampires. Then there were the loving glances that Ysidro gives Lydia. The constant presence of warmth that lingered out of sight in dreams he haunted.
The vampire was a strangely comforting presence because of all the blood stains on his hands. He was one of the few Asher wanted when he was half-way on his deathbed. He knew Ysidro was killing a considerable lot more than he or any man could. He has always been enveloped by a look of tragic nobility, its tone and its reserved state. Asher had never seen him more defeated than when Lydia learned of the death of an innocent woman in his service.
"It's part of our nature to be attractive, that's how we hunt."
This creature with a twisted lifestyle seemed bewildered. He had not evaded Asher because he had let go of his guard in confidence and camaraderie. Now Ysidro took in the thoughts of the human and absorbed them as words from a well-worn page.
Asher's hands tightened around the albino's wrists. His nails were embedded so deeply he may have scratched his own skin with them. Everything within Asher told him to flee. If he did it now, he might just walk away and never face what he didn't think he was ready for. He clenched his teeth and shut his eyes when he was about to leave.
When he tried to move away, a cold hand shot up and grabbed him by the back of the head.
How Ysidro kissed was just like a man. It was demanding, forceful, and for the moment, unyielding. He pulled the human man closer, not giving him time to react or any choice in the matter. It was how an arrogant aristocrat made those decisions and carried them out. But something about it had a hint of possession. The vampire behaved like a beast. He did not guide Asher closer or further, but conveyed to the human that he understood what he wanted.
Asher wanted to melt into the overwhelming acceptance. Instead, he grabbed the monster by the both sides of his shoulders and kissed him with bruising force. He bit into the flesh, returning to a mind-set of the killer himself. He knew he had his prey and he was ready to sink a silver dagger into his chest. He had the vampire's life in his hands then. Ysidro was his to take, his disposing of and offering himself up to Asher in a way that surprised him. This passion was reckless.
When he woke up from that dream that night, he felt he was lost somewhere far away and different from who he was. He knew better.
People say that each man has a monster inside him.