So, I'm back! Hopefully it'll be less than a month this time, hoping this is done by Halloween. Get ready for angst! Love y'all. Also, I opened my email this morning, and I got ten emails from . Thank you, alaskanwoman25, for all the support, and MaeSilverpaws1! Also, guest, James Birdsong! Thank you for the reviews!
Waking up with a yawn as the sun filtered into his face, Harry opened his emerald green eyes, blinking the sleep away. He stood and changed into baggy jeans and an old Gryffindor t-shirt, venturing downstairs to make breakfast. Usually, Sirius was waiting downstairs, reading a newspaper, which Harry got delivered. He never made breakfast, though, claiming he was abysmal. Harry planned to test that theory, but he didn't doubt it. Sirius didn't look like the cooking type.
But in all honesty, Harry didn't mind cooking. As much as it was one of his duties at the Dursleys', he actually enjoyed cooking for himself. He liked the feeling of being productive, working at his own pace for a delicious reward. Humming absently, he tossed eggs onto the frying pan, a bit surprised when Sirius wasn't down yet. He was probably having a lie in, he'd be down soon.
But after an hour, Sirius still wasn't down. Harry frowned, a bit worried, and trudged upstairs. As he entered the room, Harry discovered Sirius still lying in his bed listlessly, covers flipped off the side, dark circles under his eyes with tear stained cheeks.
Harry frowned, sitting next to him, "Sirius?"
"James?" Sirius rasped, sharp grey eyes clouded with tears.
Harry winced. Last time Sirius had called him James….. Well, it wasn't pleasant. Breathing deeply, he shook his head and said gently, "No, it's me, Harry."
"Ha-Harry." Sirius's voice cracked, hoarse and overused, "I failed you. I-I failed you, it's all my fault. Peter, shouldn't have trusted him."
Harry put a hand awkwardly on his shoulder, unused to comforting people, "It's okay, Sirius. It's not your fault."
Sirius shuddered, tensing up, "Yes, it is. A-and now they're g-g-gone." he said, erupting into broken sobs. It was all his fault, he shouldn't have trusted Peter. It was his fault Harry grew up, unloved, with the Dursleys. It was his fault Remus was left all alone for twelve years, and it was his fault for leaving Harry again by duelling Bellatrix. He couldn't do anything right.
Well, that cleared up why Sirius was crying. Harry didn't know what to do, patting his back in an attempt to sooth him. Why couldn't Lupin be here, he'd know what to do, he'd been Sirius's friend- or boyfriend thing, Harry didn't know- for years!
Well, he isn't, Harry told himself sternly, so deal with it.
"Nobody blames you, Sirius. I know it hurts." Harry said softly, cautiously leaning down to hug him.
Sirius just sobbed, shaking, in response, "W-well they should."
Harry sighed, settling in for a while, "It's alright, Sirius, it's alright."
~~~discidium~~~
A few hours later, Harry had managed to calm Sirius down, coaxing him downstairs where he sat, sniffling, while Harry heated up the eggs again. Eventually he served them up, and Sirius poked at the half-heartedly, sighing.
Harry pushed the plate closer, "You need to eat. God, you're twenty years older than me, you should know that!"
Sirius shrugged "But I spent most of my adulthood in Azkaban, didn't I?"
Harry paused, then carried on, "No excuses."
Sirius rolled his eyes and started to eat, flicking hair out of his face, "I can take care of myself."
"Mhm. Sure."
"Says the kid who didn't know what Floo was until he was twelve, then proceeded to get sent to Knockturn Alley of all places." he smirked.
Harry turned red, "Hey! How do you know about that?"
"I have my ways." he said mysteriously, wiggling his eyebrows, apparently feeling better.
"You asked the Weasley's for embarrassing stories, didn't you?"
"Guilty as charged. For once." he added quietly, his face falling once more.
Harry sighed, wishing he could cheer him up, "Well, I did accuse you of stealing the leftover bacon the other day, and here we are. A celebrity and a bacon thief."
Sirius huffed a small laugh that didn't seem too happy. He was silent for a moment then spoke.
"It's just… Lily and James were both amazing people. They were so kind, so generous, so brave. They didn't deserve what they got. If anything, I did. I was always pushing them, always taking advantage of them, not thinking about consequences."
Harry felt his heart jolt. His parents… they really were good people, weren't they? He'd been told so many times, but it was now that he knew it wasn't a lie. He just… he just wished he could have met them, just once. The Chosen One sighed, mentally shaking himself. He could cry over his long lost parents later, Sirius needed him now.
Sirius, who was his father's best friend, had been since they were eleven. Sirius, who fought so hard for him, did what nobody had ever done to find him. Sirius, who had rotted for twelve years in desolation that only dementors could bring, for something he was innocent of. Sirius, who was betrayed by someone he had called a friend. Sirius, who, despite his childhood, and adulthood, was still a good person. Sirius, someone who cared, and bore the brunt without complaint, and carried on regardless of the horrors of his past. Sirius, his family.
"You don't deserve that. Neither did they. It wasn't your fault, it was Pettigrew and Voldemort's. I should know." Harry stated firmly.
"And they never would have been able to do anything if I hadn't been a coward and been their secret keeper!" Sirius shook his head, "It is my fault, stop lying to me!"
"I'm not lying!" Harry said exasperatedly, frustrated by his insistence on blaming himself, "I'm not going to lie about my parents' deaths to make you feel better! It's not your fault!"
"Yes, it is!" Sirius said stubbornly, stormy grey eyes glistening with unshed tears, "It's my fault my best friend and his wife are dead!"
Harry gritted his teeth, taking Sirius by the shoulders, "Look, Sirius, I get it! I blame myself all the time, but this isn't on you! It's on Wormtail for being a traitor and a coward, and Voldemort for actually killing them. None of that is on you! You didn't know he would betray you, Peter was your friend! You were supposed to trust him! It's his fault for turning, and joining the wrong side!"
Sirius seemed to shut down, taking slow, shuddering breaths and he fell silent, caught in his own memories, unable to escape his worst nightmares, as if a dementor had arrived. Harry waited as he switched to Padfoot on instinct, the huge black dog whimpering as it curled on the carpet. Kneeling next to him, the messy-haired boy soothingly ran his fingers through the thick, black, surprisingly untangled fur, sighing.
"Sirius, it's okay. Nobody blames you."
The dog huffed disbelievingly, curling further in on itself, burying its nose in its fur. Harry sighed, accepting that Sirius wasn't going to talk for a while and grabbing a book, leaning against Padfoot as he flipped it open.
Padfoot looked vaguely offended that he was being used as a backrest to read, but Harry was comfortable and not about to move. Getting comfortable, Harry delved into the plot, occasionally petting Padfoot, who remained stubbornly in dog form.
~~~discidium~~~
Several hours later, and Harry was still stuck with a very mulish Animagus, not to mention several long black hairs all over his clothes. Harry rolled his eyes, huffing exasperatedly.
"If you're going to stay like that all day, I'm giving you dog food for dinner. You have to talk about these things, for Merlin's sake! You can't just be a dog for the rest of your life and avoid emotions!"
Sirius didn't respond, looking as sad as a dog could, tail still and unmoving, ears down. Harry's mood shifted to something more sombre, sighing.
"I-I may not have known my parents well, but I know they wouldn't have wanted you to do this, Sirius. This isn't good for you, bottling everything up like this! Soon, it'll overflow, and you'll be in a load of trouble. I know everything's easier as Padfoot, but you'll need to face it sooner or later. Please, just talk to me?"
At that moment, Harry's big green eyes, the exact same as Lily's, Sirius couldn't say no, shifting seamlessly back to human. Sniffing, as memories flooded back, without Padfoot as a buffer, Sirius let out a dry sob at the onslaught of the nightmares of his past.
Shaking off Harry's soft hand on his shoulder, he forced himself to quiet, "I'm fine, Harry."
"Seriously? No, you clearly aren't! If you're going to spew more bullshit, then shut it!" Harry said frustratedly, with almost no bite. Apparently it was hard to be mad at your godfather for having a silent breakdown over your parents' deaths. Or, Sirius wondered, was Harry just too kind to hold grudges. Irrelevant, he decided, and focused on the matter at hand.
Sirius sighed, pausing then speaking, eyes gleaming as he grew gradually more heated, "Fine, I'm not okay. I feel like my world is falling apart, and it should have stopped by now! It happened fifteen years ago, but I can still feel the horror, the grief, everything, as if it were yesterday evening! I still think that I'm in Azkaban, like my mind is crumbling around me, and I'll never be the same. That one day I'll snap and do something I'll always regret! Are you happy now, Harry!?"
Harry bit his lip as he processed everything he said, watching Sirius wince, give Harry an apologetic look. Sirius really was scarred, wasn't he? He kept up a happy, cheerful, facade, to keep everything inside, to avoid suspicion, but really, he was a mess, and he couldn't blame him.
It was like a rosebush, Sirius contemplated. A rather strange analogy, but when you thought about it, rather accurate. The outside was beautiful and bright, with vibrant and eye-catching roses. Yet the inside was a mess of thorns, forever ensnaring you in their sharp grasp. A dark place, a rosebush. A honeyed trap.
The Animagus sighed, "I'm sorry for snapping at you, Harry. You didn't do anything."
"It's fine. I do it too, lose my temper and snap. Just like my dad, huh?" he said, only joking a bit.
"Actually," he mused, "James never did do that, only when he was really pushed, like we all do. Lily was the one with the temper, a great big one at that. Fiery as her hair, James always said." Sirius looked equally saddened and cheered.
Harry frowned in thought, "That's… nice to hear. Nobody ever told me that before."
"Well, that's strange, because everyone Lily knew had seen her temper flare at some point. I find it hard to believe everyone simultaneously forgot to mention it."
"Oh? Because the only time anyone really talked about her was to say I had her eyes. =Except Pr- Remus, he told me a bit about both."
"Typical Moony. Lily always liked him best, since first year. Said he was the best of the lot, never bothered anyone, actually studied and was polite to her. They ended up being good friends. Bad move on his part, because whenever James and Lily fought, which was a lot, he'd be stuck in the middle." Sirius chuckled a bit.
Harry snorted, "Now I feel kind of bad."
"Eh, you didn't exist, it wasn't your fault. But Remus never did like confrontation. Not scared of it, no, he just didn't like it. He despises being put on the spot, especially when he was younger. Sometimes, when your parents would get truly ridiculous, he'd snap at them. But Moony doesn't just snap, no, he draws blood." Sirius said, looking fond.
"You're seriously getting all lovesick over that now?" Harry rolled his eyes.
"Why yes, I am. You may not be aware, since he's usually pretty mild, but Remus has got the sharpest tongue you've ever seen. His sarcasm is truly biting, and he always has the perfect retort to cut deep. Breathtaking."
Harry shoved him and groaned, "Go simp somewhere else!"
Something Harry had learned in the past few months was that Sirus tended to hop from topic to topic, mood to mood, rapidly with little to no transition at all. While sometimes it was interesting, a lot of times it was disconcerting, and more than likely a way to deflect Sirius's emotions and avoid talking about them. Harry could tell that was what he was doing now, but if it cheered him up, then that was fine, for now.
Sirius continued to talk about the Marauders, seeming unfairly comfortable sprawled on the carpet, gesturing as he talked happily.
Even though he enjoyed hearing about it, Harry wished he could help Sirius accept their deaths. Normally, someone would have plenty of time to do this, but Sirius had spent the majority of it in Azkaban, living in his memories, nightmares and guilt. He had never gotten the opportunity.
Maybe, this Halloween, they'd do something special. They couldn't visit their grave, but maybe they could make a memorial or something? To show how much they missed Lily and James, and how they loved was a good idea. Some flowers, some photos.
He wouldn't bring it up now, not when Sirius was so happy, but he could suggest it some other time. They had time.
"And that's how we found out McGonagall wandered the school in cat form at night to find snacks." Sirius concluded with a grin, unaware that Harry hadn't been paying attention.
"Who could've guessed it?" Harry smiled, as if he'd been listening intently. Though, he did partly wish he had, for it seemed like something he'd liked to know. Maybe he'd get Sirius to retell it.
"I'll tell you, it's right awkward when you're the only one who didn't transform, and McGonagall is staring at you because a huge stag is standing right next to you." Sirius gave his trademark barking laugh.
Harry found himself smiling wider "I imagine that went down well."
"God, no. I was scraping cauldrons for weeks."
~~~discidium~~~
The next day, it was rainy and downcast, and Sirius didn't emerge from his bedroom until noon, appearance despondent.
Harry looked up, "Sirius! Good, I was worried! Eat some breakfast. Or maybe lunch." he added.
Sirius appreciated Harry not prodding, sitting down quietly and eating hesitantly.
"Hey, I have an idea." Harry said as Sirius ate, buttering his own toast.
"Oh?" Sirius shrugged, brushing hair out of his eyes and tucking it behind his ear.
"Maybe, since we can't leave to visit them, we could… set up a memorial or something for my parents? Like, put up photos as stuff, you know?" Harry said hesitantly.
Sirius stilled, contemplating the suggestion, "Maybe… but do you have anything?"
"Yeah, I got all their stuff after Remus… anyway, I brought it, it's in my closet." Harry said.
"And you didn't think to tell me?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking exasperated but in a fond way.
Chuckling awkwardly, Harry rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, it didn't cross my mind."
The black haired man rolled his eyes, "Of course it didn't. But yes, that's a good idea. I need some finality."
"Alright, we'll grab the stuff later!"
~~~discidium~~~
After breakfast, which had stretched on much longer than intended with Harry badgering Sirius to eat, and a bit of fetch in the yard, the pair walked up to Harry's bedroom and unearthed the boxes full of photos, trinkets, letters and other similar things.
Sirius choked up several times, looking at photos of the Marauders, in different years of Hogwarts, over the summer. He saw pictures of Lily and James, their wedding day, the summer of his and Remus's first kiss, James's old Snitch, letters to each other, gifts from forgotten birthdays and holidays, and so much more.
Giving his godfather some time to process, Harry sat on his bed, seeing a letter from James to Sirius and opening it.
Dear Padfoot, 7/03/1976
How's your summer going? Well, it's probably going horribly, what with your family and all, but I'm afraid Mum insisted I ask. When can you come over, because my parents love you, you can come by anytime! I can assume you're already planning some way of revenge, through a prank, but I have to say Pads, even if I sound like Moony, be careful. I know you like aggravating them, but don't push them too far. I couldn't stand it if you got hurt.
Make sure to mirror call me, I want to hear that obnoxious voice of yours! Seriously, I did not spend hours begging my dad to get them from the Ministry for you to never get your arse over to yours and use it! Trust me, it was way too much effort on my part. Point is, bloody use the mirror, I must see that ugly face of yours. I can hear your outrage from here. You're so vain, it's ridiculous. And I know you just called my hair a rats' nest.
Anyway, I have an idea for the prank you're undoubtedly plotting as we speak- or write? Doesn't matter. What if, you charm the silverware at dinner to start attacking whoever's using it, with precautions, of course. Also, just for some extra jazz, as Padfoot, rip up your parents' bedroom and get dog hair everywhere. Since you don't have a dog, they'll be clueless!
I was thinking, maybe I'll write Lily a poem this summer, and I'll read it to her when we get back next term. She'll love it! How does this sound?
'Emerald gems have nothing on your eyes,
Fiery hair like the sun as it rises'
But eyes and rises don't quite rhyme! Oh, well, I'll think of something! But seriously, and no, don't you dare make that pun, I miss you, Sirius. Get over here soon, Moony and Wormtail are coming too, we could have a proper party to kick off the summer! See you soon!
James
Harry put it down, fingers running over the letter softly, like it was a precious treasure, which, to him, it was. James Potter, his father, twenty years ago, had written this, his warm, living hand had scrawled this down on the parchment. This was proof, proof that his parents had existed, they'd lived, they'd breathed, written to their best friends.
An idea struck him; what if, no it was stupid, but, still, what if he used the time turner, and went a little further? To the Marauders' time… no, that was so incredibly idiotic, if Hermione were here she would've hit him. He couldn't mess with time, everything would screw up. But all he'd do was watch, just to know- no. He would not.
A thought struck Harry and he checked the date of the letter; July third, a few days after Hogwarts let out in the Marauders fifth year. That meant Sirius was sixteen, and he…
"Yes, that was right before I left." Sirius's voice said behind him, causing Harry to jump.
"Merlin, Sirius, you scared me!" he exclaimed, whipping around, "And, oh. That's…. Nice. What- what happened?"
Sirius sighed deeply, and spoke softly, "My parents had finally gotten fed up with me. I had done everything to anger them, taken every opportunity. I had tattoos, long hair, piercing, a leather jacket, and finally, something pushed them off the edge. I, in a fit of anger over some bigoted things they had just spewed, announced to them, stupidly, that I was gay, bisexual rather, but still. That was the last straw. They flew a frenzy of rage, and I knew if I stayed, I wasn't getting out. So I grabbed my stuff, some money, and ran. I summoned the Knight Bus and went to your dad's house, and they took me in. The Potters were my family from that day forward."
Silence followed the statement as Harry contemplated his words, deciding to say, "Your parents really were shitty, weren't they?"
"They definitely were." Sirius laughed bitterly.
~~~discidium~~~
When they had gotten a few photos, items and letters, they set up a small area in the yard, making a circle of small, smooth stones and a stand of a stump with a stag and a doe carved into it. Sirius blinked, hard, as he arranged everything on it. Harry left it up to him, since he had known them best.
"I'll say something first." Harry said quietly, and Sirius let him be.
"Mum, Dad. I never really knew you, but I know you were amazing people. I know that you were brave, kind people, good friends, and good parents. But I'll never get the chance to meet you again, see your faces so this is the best I can do. I love you, and hopefully one day I'll see you again."
Harry suppressed a sob, gestured Sirius over, and trekked to the garden.
Sirius watched his godson walk off to the garden, presumably to let his emotions out, sighing. This was it. Time to get some closure.
"James, I'm talking to you first. You were- and still are- my best mate. My brother. Ever since we were kids, you've always been there for me, when my parents kicked me out, and when I pulled that idiot move on Snape. Nobody could replace you, Prongs, and I'll always miss you. I still don't know how I get through the days knowing you're gone, I'll never see that ridiculous grin, or that rats' nest you called hair. Well, I'll see the last part. You'll be glad to hear Harry has it. He looks just like you, but with Lily's eyes. But, I don't know if I'll be able to last, Prongsie-" his voice cracked as his voice swam with tears, "I just can't do it. The only reason I'm still here is because I can't leave Harry or Remus all alone. Some days I just want to leave it all, and see you again. But I'll keep trying, Prongs, I'll keep trying."
He wiped his face, breaking out into stifled sobs as he spoke again, "Now, Lily, this is for you. You hated me at first, and for good reason. I never got to tell you how very, incredibly sorry I am for what I did when I was younger. I like to think I matured, but in honesty, I think I was forced to. But, you were one of my best friends, Lils, from the moment you let us into your life, to the moment you died. I'm so, so, so, sorry, both of you. It's my fault, it is, I should've done it myself. I shouldn't have trusted Peter and suspected Moony, and now you're dead and Harry's an orphan. But, it's too late for that. I need to do what I can now."
Sirius took a deep, steadying breath, "But, I don't know if I can leave you behind. I know it'll only make it worse if I leave it, if I keep living in the pain, but no matter what I know, something keeps telling me if I stop, I'll forget you, I'll betray you. Still, I'm going to keep going, and be there for the people that need me most. I love you both. Goodbye."
Happy Halloween, bitches. I actually finished this on the 26th but decided to wait. Oh my god, the fortieth anniversary of the Potters' death. So sad. I guarantee you I'm crying as you read this. Poor Lily and James! If it makes you feel better, I cried several times writing this. And, also, we all know how good Harry is at resisting temptation! I meant to post yesterday, but it feels like today since it's two am. Also, partially because the downloading this is being a bitch. So, enjoy!