Additional Tags: Trauma, Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, hurt/comfort, disassociation

one: waterlogged

Being called Viole doesn't bother Bam.

The experiences he could live without, the horrible memories of being beaten down to exhaustion in order to grow stronger, he'd rather not think about, but being called Viole, having to acknowledge he went through it, is hardly the problem. If anything, the distance between that part of his life and this one is a mixture of helpful and frustrating and answering to Viole is sometimes easier than answering to Bam. The expectations for Bam don't make sense anymore, but the expectations for Viole remain the same. Except the addition of his own death.

Still, it's one thing if it's him. It's one thing if it's FUG, like Hwaryun or even Hoaquin because the latter is a jerk and Hwaryun doesn't see the difference. (She respects his choices here anyway, in the way that she respects things that fail to kill her.)

It's another if it's his friends.

It's another if it's Isu-ssi and his team.

Bam tries his best not to hold grudges. Rachel had done so with him a lot more than he wants to say out loud and being upset with her had never done him any good, especially now. But he can recognize the uncomfortable weight in his stomach, he can see the edges of black at the corner of his eyes.

Water swims overhead, the fish swimming about and splashing him with shinsu and he can't breathe. He can't breathe.

A hand squeezes his arm and he shakes and he opens his eyes. Catlike golden stares back and for a second he is falling, shoved to the side and the bottom is so far away, and Bam struggles to pull himself up and say with determination rather than fear, rather than "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" beating to come out of his mouth and beg to don't kill them, please. "This isn't just about Rachel."

And he wonders what has happened in the past few years that they still think that's the only thing in his mind still even though they had filled it up for years (but Train City, sings in his heart, and he feels nauseous thinking of it all over again), that whatever he says after that about the Floor of Death just isn't good enough. He isn't good enough. He could never be good enough, why had they saved him if not to mold him to their whims just like FUG?

No, stop. No. Don't spiral like that. It's not like that. It's never been like that, they didn't know, they couldn't understand, there's no way, you need to be fair -

But no one has ever asked you anything.

Whatever Endorsi is saying, it's coming from underwater, under stones, the light is far away and he is frozen on autopilot. The stars are a distant dream and he can't move, he can't breathe, he can't breathe -

Her hand is grabbing his side - too hard, there's a hole, too hard, there's an imprint of a palm bigger than his own, sympathetic but not caring enough, loving but weak, but strong - and she's digging, digging, and finding wanting. She is not happy, he's sorry, she's not happy, he can't do this, he is not good enough for her, he's sorry, he's sorry just don't die please he'll do better, he's sorry.

There is a problem with her touching him, there is a problem, what is it, why can't he remember? His thoughts are on the ceiling of the cave, his thoughts are burning on top of the tower, what is the problem, why is her touching him bad?

Because you don't want it, says one part of him.

Because something on this floor, says another.

Because it hurts, says a third.

The third is easy to put aside, pain is normal. Pain is a natural state of being for him, that was what being Viole had been. And that's who they want on this station, they don't want Bam. They have maybe never wanted Bam. Maybe there was never a Bam in the first place but he is not wanted but he exists and it's all his fault, it is all his fault.

No you're getting distracted. Stop that. Stop it now.

He doesn't want her to touch him because it hurts, which is inevitable but that makes it worse. Endorsi only sometimes hurts him on purpose, sparring and hitting his butt on the ground of the second floor but they're not on the second floor, they're on the thirty-ninth and Endorsi is going to die and something will be, something can be taken from him.

Viole can be taken from him.

No, he thinks and he can't breathe, he can't do this, but he just wants to breathe -

He reaches out and pushes hard. There's a red crackle and it feels very good. Her touch is gone, the aching, rotting feeling disappears.

And the air, the water, rushes from his lungs.

Bam sags into the bed and cries out because he can see again and Endorsi is staring at him like she's never seen him before and the panic starts up in earnest all over again.

The thorn buzzes.

The loud thud of a body hitting a wall stops Hatz and Khun.

Which is probably good. They're both bleeding from their arms and the room is a god damn mess. But that pause and Endorsi shrieking angrily, followed by Xia Xia's yelling is enough to make a temporary truce and see what's going on. Which upon seeing no Bam in the room, Khun sprints to the next door and shoves it open.

On the upside, Endorsi is not on top of Bam. On the downside, Bam's face is so pale he looks one step away from curdled milk, his golden eyes are taking up so much of his face, and he's curled around himself barring his eyes, breathing hard, as if expecting pain from every direction. The thorn buzzes behind his shoulder, as if mocking them.

He really is not good for Khun's heart. Khun doesn't drop his knife, but he moves over to him, minding the weapon. The sound of his footsteps makes the wild eyes flick to him and bore into and almost through him. Like Khun is there in spirit, not in body or maybe it's the other way around. He approaches him carefully, Endorsi forgotten.

"Bam?" His voice is soft, not to spook him.

Bam freezes up, tense in a ball. Then he makes a strangled noise and says, "No."

Khun blinks, and at this point, he's close enough to touch Bam. "No?"

Bam shakes his head, insistently, and Khun can see the genuine fear in the clench of his hands on the mattress of the bed. "Not… I'm not Bam. I'm not, I, he's dead. He's dead, he's dead."

Khun almost sees red. Almost. What did Endorsi fucking do to him? "You're not dead," he says gently. "You're here. We're on the thirty-ninth floor. At the Name Hunt Station."

Bam shakes his head again, close to hyperventilating once more. "No." He says it with more fervor. "No, I promise he's dead. I promise. So don't. Don't. Don't kill. Don't."

Don't kill my friends, is what Khun hears and for a moment he thinks he could kill a princess of Jahad. He thinks he could kill a Ranker. He thinks he could massacre an entire floor and not feel bad about it. I love them more than my own life, please don't kill my friends. I'll become god if I have to just don't take them from me.

He hates how clearly he understands this feeling. He hates how much he's softened up to feel this fluidly in the core of himself, this kind of loneliness where who you were doesn't matter as long as what you are holds onto something like hope.

Xia Xia strides past him all of a sudden. Bam flinches at the sound of her shoes and Khun hates and hates and hates but she ignores it with the practicality of someone who wants to live longer than the next thirty seconds. She pries one of Bam's hands from the mattress and then the other and they're already folding into his lap as if they need to be kept safe. Like he's hidden something in them he has to protect. "Deep breaths, Viole," she says, pressing her hands gently on his knees and he's looking at her with familiarity and not far away grief. He knows who she is and Khun remembers, oh right I actually kind of still want to kill you for what you did to Bam. But he swallows it because he can't say the name Viole without bitterness and she can.

He's trembling beneath her hands. He's in tears or something close. "Deep breaths," she says with the steadiness of someone who has seen more meltdowns and more suffering and had to look away from it than likely he himself. "You can't mess up right? You have to breathe right."

"Yes," Bam blurts out, taking gulps of air. "Yes. That's right."

"It'll be alright so long as you breathe. In and out. Match me."

He does. Slowly, like sands in an hourglass. Bam's breathing evens out. The wide eyed look shrinks back to something forlorn and he blinks slowly at Xiaxia. "Xia Xia-ssi?" He sounds exhausted and there's still no color in his face. "I'm okay now, I'm sorry…"

"It's fine," she says and Khun can tell she means it. "Do you remember where you are?"

"Name Hunt Station," he says, blinking up at Khun. Then his eyes look at Endorsi who Khun dimly realizes is picking herself up from the floor. "Endorsi-ssi's… Endorsi-ssi, are you all right?"

Too much concern warranted as far as Khun's concerned, she'd walked herself into this mess, she could walk herself out of it, especially after that.

Well, no, that's not good enough. He knows it isn't. And Endorsi is his friend, or at minimum his ally, but he's quickly recategorizing her as a potential accidental threat. He knows it's not on purpose but he remembers Bam screaming at him in Hand of Arlene and it's suddenly a bit…

Well it's visceral, that's all.

"I'm fine," she says. Her voice sounds choked and uneasy. "Tough head. Bam, are you all right?"

Bam nods, which means no. No but I can't trust you enough to be honest. No, but I don't know what all right looks like, nope Khun you cannot spiral now.

"What happened?" Hatz asks and suddenly Khun remembers he needs to tie up his own arm. Bam is staring at his arm like he's never seen it before.

Isu is stepping cautiously in the middle, then towards Endorsi. "Did you, did you try to steal his name?"

The room is silent for a moment, as no, never mind, she is not an accidental threat. Then Xia Xia helps Bam stand on wobbly feet. He's tottering so Khun reaches out and wraps an arm around his waist without thought. Bam looks at him and no maybe the panic is still not over. There's something horrifically fragile in those eyes. Khun tries to smile. Bam doesn't smile back. He just looks more drained, as if whatever Khun's eyes held, for once it isn't enough.

"He wasn't willing to help," Endorsi says and she sounds weaker. Not in a concussion way but a, "I'm about to be scolded and it's stupid" way. "Your entire plan is hinged around him helping us. And he wants to go after Rachel and leave me to die."

Khun's grip clenches until Bam makes a quiet noise. Not of pain, he realizes when he loosens up, but his head is bowed. The trembling is starting up againand he thinks it may not ever go back down. He gives another squeeze, this one more intending to be reassuring. Bam looks up and smiles.

Khun makes himself smile back so he doesn't break Endorsi's god damn nose. There's an ugly little voice in the back of his mind whispering how he wishes he could cry. But he ignores it. He's good at ignoring these things.

"Endorsi." Isu says quietly. "You gave him a panic attack."

Bam freezes up, mouth dropping open then clicking shut.

"I'm sorry," she says, and there's irritation as well as guilt and panic bleeding into her voice. "I didn't do it on purpose. I'm going to die, and no one here seems to give a flying shit about that. They want to go after Rachel."

You're choosing the woman who betrayed all of us.

It rings loud and clear and it's not wrong but at the same time it is. It is so very wrong. They didn't have to deal with White. They didn't have to deal with her knowing Bam but not knowing him. It's not like Rachel purposefully tried to kill any of them. It's a little high and mighty of her to get presumptuous about it now.

"I want to help you, Endorsi-ssi." Bam's voice is a croak and it's so so very tired. "I have to be here for my own sake… and I want to help you. But, is it really okay for me to be here if I'm not Viole? Am I really who should be here?"

Is it okay for the Twenty-Fifth Bam to exist after all?

It's so easy for Khun to say yes. It's not so easy for Bam to believe it, and right now, it feels like it would be another lie.

A/N: I joined this event in October fully intending to write a oneshot.

Me in December, four ideas down and giving up and doing the MC anyway: Well that was a fucking lie.

Anyway, dei I hope you like whatever this angst fest turns into because I'm enjoying it!