Xiahou Dun walked into a bar.

"Xiahow're y'all du'un gentlemen?" He asked the empty venue. Only the barkeep was there, and he didn't hear. Xiahou Dun lay on the floor and waited for sexy Cao Cao to arrive. Sexy Cao Cao arrived and they had sexy sex right there. Once Xiahou Dun CUMMED deep inside his lord-dono, they cuddled and relaxed.

"That was a good cocking!" Cao Cao roared, his arrhythmia almost becoming a problem. "But now I neeeeed you more than ever. I have to go and kill Yuan Shang, to rescue Lady Zhen. However, Liu Bei is trying to attack me at the same time like some sort of asshole. Would you go with Li Dian and Yu Jin, to stop Liu Bei please Honey?"

"I will do anything for you, Mengde."

"Even seven mineral powder?"

"Y-yes, even seven mineral powder." Xiahou Dun blushed. Cao Cao brought out the seven mineral powder and they proceeded to get absolutely blasted for the rest of the day. He Yan joined in at some point and they had a threesome. He Yan was a really cool and handsome male guy, by the way.

The next day, Cao Cao mounted his horse Shadow Runner, but not in an erotic way because he wasn't a fucking degenerate. With tears in his eyes, he bid Xiahou Dun adieu. Xiahou Dun quickly ejaculated and Cao Cao caught it with his tongue. Thus the two had parted ways. Xiahou Dun cried heavily. Yu Jin told Xiahou Dun to stop being such a drama queen and focus on the battle ahead. Xiahou Dun took Yu Jin in his arms and looked him in the eyes so deeply, he could see Uranus. Yu Jin fell in love and they had sex right there. Yu Jin was surprisingly a pretty good fuck, maybe even as good as Cao Cao. Unfortunately Yu Jin forgot to have an enema, so shit got everywhere. It really dampened the mood. Yu Jin apologised profusely and offered Xiahou Dun some gift vouchers. He thought the gift was really sweet, so sweet that they simply HAD to have sex one more time. They were interrupted by a messenger.

"Baaaaooo! Liu Bei's camp is on fire!" He reported.

"Liar liar, peasants on fire." Xiahou Dun shot back.

"I think he's telling the truth!" Li Dian shouted from the nearby hill. He was using the binoculars gifted to him by Han Fu. They allowed him to see that yes indeed, the peasants were on fire.

"Oh, well this is the perfect time to attack then!" Xiahou Dun shrieked. He jumped with joy and prepared the men for battle. He was about to start marching when Li Dian came down from the hill and stopped him.

"Wait up my dude, I think this might be a ruse." He said, gripping Xiahou Dun's shoulder.

"What makes you say that, boy? Clearly, Liu Bei is an incompetent schmuk."

"Maybe, but I heard a rumour that Liu Bei got a new strategist. We should be careful."

"Huh! Strategy or not, Liu Bei is nothing against our army! Besides, I won't roll over and take advice from the likes of you."

"Don't say I didn't warn you, then…"

The pair had hot angry sex and then Xiahou Dun made haste to the enemy camp. Yu Jin brought up the rear. Upon arrival, his men hollered and danced around the camp, hunting out the lowly green hat men. Unfortunately, nobody was there. The camp was completely abandoned, except for the charred corpses of peasants. Xiahou Dun got bored of the lack of slaughter and headed back to base. On the way, Yu Jin inquired about his relationship with Cao Cao.

"My one-eyed friend, how important is our lord too you?"

"Very important."

"Very important?"

"Yes, very important. I love that man more than my own wives. He means the world to me."

"Okay so I shouldn't tell you that his cancer is terminal."

"No, you absolutely should not. That would upset me beyond belief."

"Uhhh….. So….. How's your cousin doing…..? That Xiahou Yuan guy?"

"Oh, I think he's all right. I'm not too sure where he is right now, probably on a journey to the west or something."

Suddenly, Liu Bei's army ambushed them. Guan Yu came down from the cliff, Zhang Fei emerged from the beach and Liu Bei himself rushed out from somewhere else. They executed a perfect pincer attack. Yu Jin couldn't help but notice that Liu Bei's army was comprised of child soldiers.

"This is illegal!" Yu Jin shouted. Naturally, the wretched Liu Bei disregarded this and attacked anyway. Xiahou Dun's forces were pushed close together until their skin was touching. They agreed to overlook this homoerotic slight in favour of survival. Xiahou Dun used a musou attack, drank a flask of wine and used another musou attack. It was not enough. The droves of children kept flooding towards him, their inexperienced tiny limbs struggling to hold up the weighty swords and spears. They had power in numbers however, so Xiahou Dun and Yu Jin were desperately struggling anyway. Liu Bei cackled, stepping aside to reveal the mastermind Zhuge Liang.

"You imbeciles are a bunch of stinky losers!" Said Zhuge Liang. That made Yu Jin really angry, such that he carelessly rushed out into the swarm. He was chopped to bits instantly.

"YUUUU JIIIIIIIIIN!" Xiahou Dun cried, "HOW COOUUUULD YOOOOOUUUUU!" The incident was so horrifying that the BGM stopped playing. Zhuge Liang struck an evil pose, exactly as planned. Xiahou Dun knew at this point that he was destined to die on this battlefield. He lay down and prepared to die. But then a flying mechanism blocked out the sun and dropped napalm onto the children. They erupted into a mass of writhing flames as the flying mechanism descended, and Xiahou Yuan stepped out. He grabbed Xiahou Dun's hand and stood him back up.

"Cousin, ah was lookin' fer yeh out in the fields!"

"Y-you saved me, Yuan. A-as I expected, of course!"

"Herr herr! You know the price of emergenseh callouts..." Xiahou Yuan said as he began to undress. Xiahou Dun nodded solemnly and presented his aft section. Xiahou Yuan grabbed his own shaft section and went in deep. Xiahou Dun cried in agony, as he was not used to being on the bottom. But soon he got used to it and the feeling of anal excavation turned quite pleasant. Such was life.

"Ah always loved yer, cousin!" Xiahou Yuan roared as he unloaded himself. A copious amount of cum got in Xiahou Dun's hair. He grumbled and together, they fled the scene. Back at Li Dian's tent, Li Dian was very upset. Xiahou Dun had allowed Cao Cao's charming troupe of men to be routed. Xiahou Dun apologised profusely and offered Li Dian some gift vouchers. He thought the gift was really sweet, so sweet that they simply HAD to have sex one more time. Xiahou Yuan just watched this round of raucous rump ravaging. Dian Wei came in afterwards and proudly declared that he was alive and gay. Everything had turned out swell.

Ten days later Zhong Hui's carriage ran over Xiahou Dun.