DISCLAIMER: Some of the scenes and dialogue have been taken directly from the episodes; please note that I do not own the characters and have only created several but not all the story elements.
WARNING - Descriptions of sex and trauma, may contain (potentially detailed) descriptions of violence.
TIVA Fanfiction with X-rated scenes. Based on the Seasons 7, 11, 13 and 17 Episodes 'Jetlag', 'Past, Present and Future', 'Family First', 'Out of the Darkness', 'Into the Light', 'The North Pole', 'In the Wind'
Chapter one – Present: visibility
Be'er Sheva, Israel, August 2013. "What are you doing here?" Ziva tries hard to make her voice sound angry, but her despair shines through, thus attaining the very thing she wants to avoid, Tony's caring inquisitiveness. The truth is, she had hoped Tony would come to find her, but she has lost the hope for a happy ending. She cannot allow herself to let down her guard, to let him in. She does not want to drag him down with her. She cannot make him a target.
Her unforeseen meeting with Deena Bashan had instilled in Ziva a ferocious anguish. She is certain that nothing will ever tame the violent feeling of self-reproach that has taken hold of her. For weeks now, she is convinced that she singlehandedly ruined the future of her childhood best friend. She has come to believe she has destroyed the lives of many others, by robbing them of their loved ones, the men, the people, whom she has killed, in the name of justice, self-defence, even revenge. In addition, Ziva is sure that those who come too close to her always end up dead. She has lost so many of her family, relatives, and friends, through random violence, terrorism, or targeted murder. Many younger than she was, most of them too soon. It is why she has decided to leave behind her close friends in Washington for good. It is why she cannot let Tony know how she truly feels about him. She would never forgive herself if anything happened to Tony. She does not deserve to love, to be loved, let alone to have a family, not after all that she has done.
Adorning a month-old beard and mustache, Tony answers a long overdue video call from Tim McGee. For Ziva's sake, he persuades his team that he has not confirmed her whereabouts. He needs more time, more time to find her, although she is physically right across from him. Tim starts to update Tony on their progress in finding the terrorist presumed to be responsible for the attacks on the Secretary of the Navy and on Gibbs' NCIS Major Case Response Team. In the background, Gibbs tells McGee an update is wasted on Tony unless he has booked his flight home. Tony tells them he is following a lead in Be'er Sheeva and has to go off grid for a few days.
As Tony closes his laptop, Ziva looks at him impatiently and annoyed. It was excruciating to watch her former partner tell lies to Tim McGee, and even more so to their mentor and team leader, Jethro Gibbs. But she should do the right thing and make them believe she is nowhere to be found. She will not talk to any of them. So, she remained quiet. That was not hard. They had refrained from talking to their friends about certain things from day one. No, the hard thing now was that she must face hím. Ziva turns on her heels and goes inside. Leaving the laptop on the metal patio table, Tony rushes to follow her. In the coolness of the darkened living room, she spits out angrily, helplessly, "You cannot knock down my door one moment and expect me to face my whole life again the next." She has avoided talking with him about the difficult things so many times, but there is no plane for Gibbs to whisk him away in, no director to send them on new missions away from each other, no boyfriend nor fiancée to hide behind. She does not wish to fight him, yet, Tony is here, in her home, her true home and she needs to talk to him, but how?
Tony lets her rant, dismiss him, scream at him. Heck, he would let her tackle him again if it would help him get to the bottom of her anger. He only wants to show her that he will support her. Eventually, silence falls and Ziva tolerates his presence.
A few hours go by, the two former coworkers silently co-existing in the farmhouse where Ziva was born. They sit across from each other separated by an antique wooden salon table, reading magazines. They walk through the garden that Ziva has started maintaining only days ago. She pulls weeds and picks herbs. He picks similar weeds. Tony watches as she prepares food in the stone kitchen. They share a humble meal of olive salad, pita bread and hummus. Tony eats it all, despite the fact that he has never been able to develop a liking for the mashed chickpea concoction. Somehow though, it tastes better today, perhaps because Ziva has made it herself, perhaps because of the company he is with, perhaps because it tastes less bitter than the questions he swallows.
As they tidy up, Tony gently inquires about Ziva's most recent travels, beginning with what he knows, "What happened in Yavne'el?" Ziva shrugs. She knows her friend Adam has been there after she left a few weeks ago. She had seen the murders reported on the local news. Surely, Adam would have informed Tony despite their differences. "I went there, the safe house was compromised, I left. End of story." Tony recognizes her defensive attitude and strategies. For a few moments he carefully contemplates his next move, while he lets her peruse his question more.
Washington DC, USA, Early June 2013. After Gibbs' field agents have handed in their resignation to avoid Gibbs standing trial for their actions, Ziva has traveled to Israel whilst Tony and Tim remain in Washington. Ziva is still deeply troubled by the assassination of her father, Mossad director Eli David, half a year ago, planned by none other that his protégé, Mossad deputy director Ilan Tohar Bodnar. Six months ago, she has buried her father, the last person she had left of her family. Since then, she has tracked down Bodnar through Europe and the USA, ultimately fighting him hand-to-hand which led to Bodnar's death. She has avenged her father and Leon Vance's wife Jackie. She should be able to let go of the past now. However, even though she became a citizen of the USA a few years ago, in honour of her surrogate family at NCIS, Ziva feels now she should be in her country of birth.
Nevertheless, Tony wakes up early one morning to an online message stream from Ziva informing him she just arrived in Tel Aviv. Tony is very happy to hear from Ziva. They have had a strong connection since the first year she was in Washington, DC. They had grown very close, even intimate at times. He had fallen in love with her the moment they met, yet he had denied it to himself and to her for years. Now, knowing where she is, knowing they are free from the restraints of a professional relationship, he impulsively types, "Would you like some company?" Ziva seems eager for him to visit, judging from her message: "Yes" with a smiley face. Tony smiles elatedly as he replies, "Count to a million and I'll be there!" As Tony heads out of his apartment for his flight to Tel Aviv, shots are fired through the windows. Luckily, he escapes without a scratch, but he heads straight to NCIS head quarters, contacting Ziva he will be delayed.
At head quarters Tony contacts Tim to alert him. As they talk, Tim is shot at while crossing the street from a passing car. Then, they find out Gibbs had been shot at as well. Since Tony, Gibbs and Tim have already been shot at, albeit unsuccessfully, the next expected target will be Ziva. Swiftly, Tony contacts her and she goes into hiding using one of her father's safe houses. While at NCIS, Tony learns that a Pakistani terrorist by the name of Benham Parsa is behind the attack on SecNav Jarvis and, likely, the hits on the NCIS team. Due to NCIS being the target, the FBI is now involved as well, supporting the investigation.
Meanwhile, NCIS forensic scientist Abby Sciuto determines that the bomb that killed the Secretary of the Navy, Clayton Jarvis, was made from a bike filled with shrapnel. According to files reviewed by Tim McGee, this is a signature of the terrorist group that calls themselves the 'Brotherhood of Doubt', based out of Yuma, AZ, right here in the USA. When the SEAL team invades the building they supposedly convene in, they find NCIS agent photos, of Gibbs' team, and of other targets.
Late June, 2013. As the investigator into Gibbs' team, Agent Parsons, learns the truth behind his mission, he refuses to work on the case any longer. Remorseful, he sanctions the team to be reinstated. Tony wants to try to get the badge back to Ziva to help when trouble ensues. However, she has become invisible, a useful skill courtesy of her Mossad training. Stepping over his pride, he enlists the help of Shin Bet agent Adam Eschel to find her.
Adam is surprised to hear from Tony saying out loud he thought Tony did not like him. They met briefly in Berlin when Tony and Ziva were trying to find Bodnar. Tony snaps at Adam, "I don't, but Ziva trusts you so I'm gonna have to." Nonetheless, Tony still has the bitter taste in his mouth of Ziva's 'moment of weakness' while in Israel for her father's funeral. Tony had supported her in the direct aftermath of her father's death. He had seen her off at the airport, as she was leaving to bury him, telling her that she was not alone, in Hebrew. He had learnt the language in recent years, learnt it for her. Yet, somehow, she had felt so alone in Israel that she had slept with Adam. What's more, she had not told Tony about this upon her return to the States. He had only found out as he secretly watched Parsons interrogate her. Parsons was accusing her of being a threat to national security because of her intimacy with a foreign agent. "Go to hell!" she had spat at Parsons, interrupted by Tony entering the room. "Interview is over!" Tony told Parsons and forced him to leave. Tony had felt heart broken for weeks especially since Ziva refused to talk to him. And now she wants him with her, he needs to help her stay safe, but he can't find her.
In the elevator, a common safe place for covert conversations, Parsons offers Tony his file on Eli David as a sign of peace. He tells Tony about a house just outside Yavne'el, a safe house of Eli's, under a false name, that very few people seem to know about, "but Ziva might." Adam and his team get there fast and find two dead guys, clear signs of a struggle, and a blood trail out of the house. Adam assures Tony that Ziva has been there, pointing out Ziva's necklace, the Star of David she had worn for the past 4 years, around a photo of Ziva and Eli. Tony knows the necklace intimately. When Ziva had been held captive in Somalia, the terrorist training leader Saleem Ulman had robbed her of the necklace she had inherited from her mother. Months later, after he had helped rescue her, Tony had gifted her a new necklace. A silent token of his love for her. Like her mother's necklace, she had worn his every minute of every day. Adam assures Tony that he will keep the necklace safe for her, then signs off.
That night, Tony feels defeated as he sits in his dark apartment staring at his laptop screen, hoping for a sign. Praying for a sign. Finally, he gets a picture message from Ziva, a photo of her as a child with her older half-brother Ari. Puzzled, Tony says to the screen, "Talk to me Ziva. Where are you?"
Tel Aviv, Early July 2013. "A teacher from Ziva's old kibbutz saw her bury something in the ground," Adam reports as he holds up a sheet of paper with a list. Tony is puzzled by the list of things young Ziva has apparently written, even more so because, seemingly, adult Ziva has crossed out the list and added 'Stop this for him!' He travels to Israel and is intercepted by Mossad agents. After meeting Adam Eschel and Orli Elbaz, the new director of Mossad, Tony is granted permission to use Mossad resources to find Ziva.
Adam brings Tony to the apartment complex Ziva grew up in. They meet Deena Bashan who still lives across the hall. Deena was Ziva's childhood best friend. She welcomes them into the modest living space. She seems to recognize Tony's name. When they sit at the small wooden dining table with tea and cookies, she tells them about her connection with Ziva as children. She also explains that Ziva had mentioned Tony at the funeral. She claims not to have seen Ziva since then.
Back at Mossad, officers trace Ziva's last message to Tony and find that she used the WIFI of a small café across from the hospital. Tony checks security cameras nearby the café and eventually spots Ziva on a hospital camera, wounded, talking to Deena. Tony rushes to the hospital to confront Doctor Bashan.
Tony is seething when he spots Deena. He shouts at her through the long window lined hospital hall, "You lied to me that you had not seen her recently!" She does not try to deny it and admits, "I did, and had any other agent come through the door, I would have said yes. But why should she have the man she loves, when she took mine from me?" Tony learns that Deena had fallen in love with Ari while Ziva was "saving the world" and that Deena had expected Ari to propose to her upon his return from the USA. Understandably, after Ziva had confessed she, not Gibbs, had shot Ari, Deena blames Ziva for losing the love of her life. In his heart, Tony knows that Ziva had no choice. Tony suspects Deena would never have been happy marrying a terrorist and traitor to the Israeli people. But none of that really matters to him right now. He is suddenly faced with trying to find the love of his life while she is on the run from everything.
As he returns to the Mossad building, Deena's last words still ring in his ears. In an attempt to hurt him, or maybe to dissuade him, Deena had yelled after him, "The Ziva you know is gone. When she left my house, she was not the same woman." His search seems to have hit another dead end. For a few hours, Tony aimlessly browses files and internet. He tries desperately to figure out what frame of mind Ziva may be in. But with all that he has learnt about her, especially in the last year, after the bombing of NCIS had confined the two of them to an elevator for hours, he seems nowhere near finding her.
The next morning, Orli admits Mossad cannot do much more, yet she gives him a file with all Mossad knows about Eli. "Shalom, Tony. I hope you find her," Orli wishes him warmly. Armed with both Parsons' and Orli's files, Tony spends almost two months searching, traveling around the Middle East. He draws a map of locations that are significant to Eli and Ziva and visits them according to reverse past chronology which stems from a 'gut' feeling. A few times he almost senses Ziva's presence, till finally he arrives at the location where her history has begun.
Be'er Sheva, August 2013. For the past eight years, Tony has worked hard on acquiring skills to get his special agency partner to open up about her past and her emotions. Only recently more successfully anticipating her needs and moves. Yet at this moment, as the kitchen is almost tidied up, he feels lost and helpless. Feebly, he reveals "I was very worried when we discovered you had been hurt," adding how he found out. Visibly touched by his concern, Ziva gives in a little, exposing the wounds inflicted on her by the men sent to Yavne'el by Benham Parsa. Gently, Tony strokes the scars.
While Tony touches her leg, her side, her arms, Ziva fondly remembers how Tony had brought her to his apartment at Gibb's orders, after her father was shot and killed, surprising her with the comforting presence of her dearest and longest time friend, Schmiel Pinkus. Schmiel, a wise man well in his eighties, had accompanied her and her father's body to Israel. She reminisces how Tony has always had her best interest at heart, even when she longed to make things work with CIA-agent Ray Cruz. Tony even helped him to propose to her. Ziva feels nearly ready to confide in Tony about her travels and her decisions when he breaks the silence prematurely.
"Deena did a good job tending to those wounds," Tony regrets saying right away. He can almost see the opening in Ziva's mind closing back up. In an impulsive effort, he decides to just tell her what he knows. Tony confesses to Ziva how he tracked her to Amman where her mother Rivka was killed, to her grandparents' graves in Meron, and to the opera house in Cairo where she used to take her sister Tali. "After my father died returning to these places seemed necessary. It started out as a good thing but then I spoke with Deena," Ziva explains as she swallows hard.
Tony listens intently as he watches Ziva struggle with recent events and all the death that lays behind her. She concludes, "the centre of all this pain is me." She hoped to erase all the death and pain but only found Deena was right. In every house and location, she found despair, loss. Ziva blames herself for all the families who have lost a loved one at her hands. "But it isn't who I wanted to be." Squatting beside her, Tony looks Ziva deep in her eyes. She can see in his green eyes that he cares and understands. He argues that they both only did what they had to, for the job, for justice. Hurt and confused she stands up from the decades old couch and stares out of the window. Tony joins her and for a moment, the pair stand side by side in silent, albeit comfortable proximity.
When they turn to face each other again, Tony shows Ziva the paper found at the kibbutz. At first, Ziva is mad that it was uncovered. But she realizes quickly that this is one of the cultural differences between her and him. She explains how Deena and she had practiced their English as children by writing 'wills' and how they believed those would come true by burying them. She had dug it up a few months back and altered it. Tony argues she can still change her fate, her path at any time. "I did notice there is plenty of room on the back of this list to start a new one. Maybe I can help you with that?"
It takes Ziva a few days, but through talking with Tony, cautiously, little bits at a time, she accepts she cannot bear the weight of the world. However, she tells him how fervently she wants to start over, break the chain of violence, give up being an agent.
Ziva writes a new list on her 'will' with at the top 'lose the badge'. With Tony's support, she adds a few more things: let go of my past, make my own happiness, settle down, find my passion, do work that fulfills me. Together, they bury the list in a wooden box in Eli's olive orchard. It is an emotional moment.
Before leaving his home in June, Tony was determined to confess his love to Ziva, but her 'will' has stumped him. He has a sinking feeling that Ziva does not reciprocate, or perhaps, that she is not ready to do so. Nonetheless, as they stand up from burying the chest, their eyes meet full of love, and both feel a strong and warm feeling overcome them. They silently encase each other's faces, foreheads gently touching. "I'm fighting for you, Ziva." "I know." And he knows then and there, she is not ready to commit.