PROLOGUE
Annie Leonhart.
Cunning, brutal, selfish, smart, genuine…
Bad liar…
Or so they told me.
Frankly, I didn't care much about what people thought of me…
Didn't really care much back then either.
A blur, to say the least.
Earliest memories I had of my childhood was kicking one of many training dummies my father had planted into the ground just by our home.
I was a kid back then.
A gullible child, who would do anything her daddy ordered her to.
He ordered me to push my body to the brink ever since I could walk.
It's been four years since then…
And I was still the same…
He ordered me to do push ups, I did so without question.
He ordered me to run laps, and I did.
He ordered me to spar with him, and I did, though ending with me being thoroughly beat up.
As far as I can remember at that place, I was always doing something that would leave me heaving and breathing for air, legs feeling numb and pushing my body just so I can stand, making sure that I stomach the food that I ate and not regurgitate it like in most days.
I was scared…
Scared of disappointing the only man, who gave my life purpose…
The man who brought me into this cruel world…
The man who doesn't even see me as his own child.
Then again, I was never his own to begin with.
"Higher."
His voice was firm, demanding, and scary. Even still, I didn't question him…
Making sure to straighten my shoulders, hands raised above my head, relaxing my legs, and I got into the stance he taught me. A stance he would literally beat into my head, until I've perfected it. A stance that would protect me, and yet failed to protect me from him.
He told me to hit higher.
Pivoting one foot, whilst raising my other leg higher, using the momentum, just like he taught me, my leg hit the training dummy. The straws rustled inside the sheets and against the wood, as my leg made contact.
It hurts.
I didn't realized that I've already lost count on how many times I've kicked this one, but judging just how tattered the sheets were, how loose the ropes holding it to the log, and how the straws were particularly jutting out and falling down the soil, I'd say that I've been kicking it for quite a while.
I needed to rest…
My legs are numb, it's a miracle I could even stand…
My lungs hurt…
Breathing hurts…
My clothes are clinging onto my skin…
Just how much longer is he going to make me do this?
"Harder."
Apparently a bit longer.
Just the concept of making my pain more excruciating made my body flinch, and my legs shook at the prospect.
Please, I don't want to do this anymore.
And yet, here I am, despite my body begging for me to stop, my lungs screaming for me to take a break, I was in my stance and I didn't even realized it.
He trained me well…
He turned me into a weapon…
"Harder."
His voice again…
Demanding.
Firm.
Scary.
I didn't realize just how long he had been waiting for me to hit this fake person, how long I've just been staring at it.
I need to hit it or he'll hit me again…
Sucking up a breath, which only made it more painful for my lungs, I did what he ordered me to do.
My leg made contact with the dummy once again, making sure to hit higher and harder this time.
The sound was almost sickening, it was as if the sheets and the straws were just non-existent and I was only kicking the log.
It hurts.
"Again."
Didn't take me long until that sickening sound reverberated across the whole forest once again. It hurts.
"Again."
I was already in my stance that time, and hit it again. The birds all flew away from that sound. It hurts.
"Again."
Again. My leg made contact. It hurts.
"Again."
I hit it. It hurts.
"Again."
Another. My lungs were burning. It hurts.
"Again!"
It was painful. But his voice was even more so. I couldn't afford to disappoint him anymore, so I hit it again.
"It hurts…"
"Then hit it again, until you get used to it!"
I didn't realized that I had voiced it aloud, even the smallest whisper could be heard in this silence. Clumsy and stupid. I don't get to complain. Not to him.
Again. Harder and faster. It hurts.
"Again!"
It hurts.
"AGAIN!"
It Hurts.
"AGAIN!"
IT Hurts.
"AGAIN!"
IT HURTS!
"ANNIE!"
I didn't know why, but the sound of my name…
Made me sick.
AAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!
With that, I felt my leg go through the dummy, breaking the log in half. Straws flying everywhere, sheets tattered and teared, rope hanging loosely from the broken wood, splinters stuck in my trousers pricking at my leg.
I can still hear my scream across the trees, across the dark clouds, and the black sky…
The birds were scared, weren't they?
My eyes stung, my cheeks felt wet, my mouth tasted something salty…
I'm crying.
This…
All of this…
What am I even doing this for?
All this pain, this suffering…
This anguish…
For the first time, I didn't flinch once he placed his hand on my shoulder.
He lowered down to my level, his lips in a straight line, his face expressionless.
"Emotions hinder you, Annie. Bury it. Bury it all."
Ah…
He wasn't here to make me feel better, it was just a tip.
Of course it was.
Why was I expecting anything different?
Emotions…
He ordered me to cast it away…
He's disappointed.
I heard him shuffling and soon, he opened the door and went back inside our cabin. The training was finished. All that was left were the usual exercises before going to bed with the same dreamless nights.
He didn't wait for me…
He didn't leave the door open for me…
He didn't ask if I was okay…
He didn't comfort me…
He didn't wipe my tears away.
Pathetic.
I was pathetic…
I hate it…
I hate it so much.
For the first time since I finished this training…
My body didn't ache…
It didn't scream for me to stop…
It didn't beg for me anymore…
It's just not.
It doesn't hurt.
I didn't even realize what has happened…
Nor what I have done…
My breathing was shallow…
I can hear my voice cracking with each exhalation…
My legs felt numb.
My fists clenched that my nails dig deeply into my palms.
My eyes see nothing but clouds and mist…
My heart, pounding deep within my chest that it's all that my ears could hear…
My lungs, doing everything they can to intake every bit of air I breathe into them, that I can almost feel them touching my ribs…
I didn't know why I wasn't facing the training dummy…
Nor why my face is wet from my sweat and tears…
I feel sick.
My chest feels tight.
My right leg is throbbing.
My eyes sting.
I blinked…
And the mist cleared…
And I felt my stomach drop.
In front of me was my father…
He was crumpled and shaking on the ground.
His right knee propping himself on the ground…
The other…
He was clutching it.
He was clutching it with all of his might…
Using both of his hands, he's trying to subdue the pain on his leg…
Why is he crumpled on the ground?
What happened to his leg?
Why does his leg look like that?
The pouring blood exiting from his trousers, gushing like a flood, painting his foot red, is that supposed to be normal?
Is it normal for something to be poking out from my father's leg like that?
It was a sickly pale thing…
Why is it jutting out of my father's leg like that?
Was he stabbed?
No, it looked like it came from inside of his body.
Wait, is it a….
… A bone?
Why is my father's bone exiting from his leg?
What happened?
Is that supposed to happen when I'm older?
Is it some sort of disease?
Did someone did this to him?
We never even go out of this forest, how can he have an accident like this?!
And if it was someone else, how is it that I couldn't see them coming?
Did I fall unconscious again?
But I'm standing...
Did I fall unconscious while hitting the dummy again?
But I'm facing dad…
If it wasn't someone…
Did my father do this?
Why would he?
He has no reason to!
Why in Ymir's cruel world would he even think about doing this?!
'Did I fall unconscious while hitting the dummy again?'
'But I'm facing dad…'
Then…
…then…
…if…
…if it wasn't either of those…
…then…
…was it…
…was it me?
I did this?
Oh God…
Oh God…
"D-dad…?" I was scared of even reaching out to him, so in the end, I just stood there, looking at him. Why couldn't I walk to him? He's my father. A father who taught me to survive.
…Survive for myself.
So that was it. It was just instinct. Fear and basic instincts. Like a cornered animal, except I had the advantage to kill my prey and yet in the end, I know that this prey has so much power over me.
"A-Annie…"
I flinched as soon as he looked at me with one eye, the other closed shut due to the pain. His eye, he was looking at me with… something. I couldn't tell what it was, but it wasn't his usual disdain for me whenever I fail a test, no this was different, but I can't tell what. He struggled with speaking at first, probably because of the shock but his voice…it wasn't exactly angry either, it was stern, but it didn't have that lace of furiousness in his tone whenever he usually talks to me.
Why look and talk at me like this?
Did I screw up more than I thought?
That's it.
He's probably pretending so I could let my guard down and he'd hit me more than—
"Go back… inside…"
Huh? "Huh?"
He's asking me to go back inside in this situation? What's he even going to do? He can't even...
I didn't even realize how hard I was gritting my teeth, until my jaw started to hurt. Before I could even walk the first step back in the house, I didn't realize that my mouth had moved on its own, and I talked back. My stomach dropped, this was the first time ever that I have talked back to my father…
…and I'm scared.
"We need to get you to a doctor, at least!" My voice was breaking and tears were coming out of my eyes.
I had the chance to stop myself, and yet I didn't.
I couldn't describe this feeling, the feeling of doing the thing that you wanted. It was the first time I've done something of my own volition, and it was also the first time that I promise that I'd stop doing it.
"You can't go anywhere in such a state! Dad, please! I'm sorr—!"
"GO INSIDE THE HOUSE! NOW!"
And that was it. Any sort of feeling I had once I spoke was gone and replaced by fear once again.
I couldn't go against him, I know that I can't. So with my body rigid and frozen in fear, I did my damn hardest to try and turn around, and took the first step.
Never in my life have I ever felt my body so heavy, even with all the training, it has never been this hard to move, this restraint on my body which only allows me to walk the line straight to the door.
It didn't take long for me to reach the door, it only took a slight push to open it further.
I could see it clearly. The kitchen and the dining hall in this one big spacious room and two doors to the left that led to my bedroom and father's, and a door down the hallway for the bathroom.
Now it was only a matter of stepping inside…
Never before had my feet felt so cold on the wooden flooring…
The house has never been this dark and this claustrophobically constricted…
It felt cold…
I left the door slightly ajar.
I should close it…
But I didn't.
I took a peek at father.
He was still on the ground clutching his leg, looking around for something, sobbing all the while…
I didn't realize it then, but I was able to hit hard enough that I can break a person's bone if I tried…
Not something to be proud of…
I've become something that isn't even human…
I don't have the word for it yet, but I feel like I would soon…
I found my attention going back to father as soon as I heard a rustling sound.
He was grabbing a broken tree branch and dragging it towards himself, groaning while doing so…
He tried to prop himself upwards with it, he managed to do it but his leg wasn't better.
Using the branch he walked down the path back to the town…
I want to reach out to him…
He's going to get himself killed.
And yet I didn't.
I only looked at his retreating back…
Until he disappeared from the fog.
I kept looking outside for about an hour…
He'll come back.
He always does…
Then he'll probably punish me.
Five hours.
I counted.
Each agonizing second of it.
He's been gone for five hours now…
And I'm right here…
Sitting by the table in the kitchen, stiff as a board…
It was all so silent.
That is until I heard shuffling outside.
My ears almost perked up at the sound of my father being safe and sound.
I stood up from the chair just as he was opening the door.
I prepared myself for my punishment.
He's right there in front me…
He held a proper crutch, his leg had been properly bandaged.
I assumed he must've went to go see a doctor.
He was just staring at me blankly.
I can hear it…
My heart…
It's beating against my rib.
He slowly raised his hand.
And I immediately found myself shutting my eyes.
I've been hit by him before.
More times than I care to remember.
This is no different.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not afraid of it.
The sting would last for more than a week.
I'd be lucky if I can get rid of the bruising by the fifth day.
I prepared myself for my punishment…
I prepared myself to be hit in the face…
And yet…
I found something weighing on one of my shoulders…
I still had my eyes shut tightly.
Should I open them?
Is this a test?
He's hoping for me to let my guard down right?
In the end, what made me open my eyes was his voice.
"Pack your things, Annie."
As soon as I opened them, I found his hand on my shoulder…
What was it?
A comforting gesture?
Did I do something good?
"We'll be going out tomorrow."
Is he going to kick me out of the house?
Is he going to abandon me in some random alleyway?
Is he-?!
"I'll be enlisting you as a Marleyan Soldier tomorrow."
…
…
…
…
…
…
Oh.
So that's what it was…
I should've guessed…
His hand left my shoulder and I heard him shuffle down the hallway to his room.
It felt cold…
Everything felt cold…
I touched my shoulder…
It still felt cold…
I should've known.
That's what it was.
He's not congratulating me.
He would never congratulate me.
He would never treat me as a daughter.
Nor as a human being…
…
…
…
Not until I've become a monster.
xxx
A/n: I just find Annie's perspective really interesting in AOT. Please note that not all of these will follow the series canon, though most of the story will but not all.