[We are back on track. This chapter took a while to be posted because I was away for a month, so I was unable to update the story. I am sorry to keep you waiting but I finally got my degree and I needed the vacation after that. Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot. I hope you haven't given up on the story?
Go ahead. We are only a few chapters away from the end.]
You shouldn't be here. Her mind whispered. The detective stared at the tall building in front of her, wondering what a lost cause she was. She had been handling her addiction so well lately. She was attending all of her meetings and if the need ever arose, she always called her sponsor or joined emergency meetings. But despite her efforts, here she was; standing in front of "The Emerald Casino", imagining her hands holding the poker chips as if her life depended on it. Why was this time different? Why had she come back to the casino?
Amanda shook her head and turned her back to the building, closing her eyes. An image of a smiling all dressed up Olivia flashed behind her eyelids; an image causing her a great distress but no. It wasn't the image hiding behind Amanda's turmoil. Olivia was a vision in her eyes and she simply couldn't get enough of those chocolate eyes that seemed to lighten up with warmth every time she smiled. The cause of Amanda's turmoil was the same reason for Olivia's attire. The woman she had feelings for was going on a date while Amanda was being miserable, trying to battle her feelings for the woman.
Amanda was so sick of being unable to fight her feelings. She was exhausted of being unable to control them and it hit her hard to see Olivia like this; formally dressed in a figure-hugging black dress, silver earrings hanging from her ears, elegant make-up covering her beautiful features. A small smile teased the blonde's lips. She was breathtaking.
And she was going on a date with someone else.
Amanda shook her head with a frown. When Olivia had walked into the precinct claiming that she had forgotten her wallet, Amanda couldn't contain the large smile or the compliment that escaped her lips. But when Fin mentioned the word 'date' and Olivia didn't outright deny it, it was as if she had been punched in the gut.
Can you be any more pathetic, Rollins?
The blonde needed a sense of control in her life and if it was not over her feelings, maybe, just maybe it would come from old gambling habits. She was going to control how much she bet and how much she would spend on this little trip. Her palm was itching to feel the plastic of a poker chip. But if she gave in to the temptation, wouldn't that also mean that she was losing control yet again?
With a tired sigh she placed her itching palm below her ribs, pressing her skin against the wound, feeling the uneven scar through her thin shirt. Despite the ugliness of the scar that marred her skin, it had never actually bothered her; not when it reminded her of how Olivia took care of it. It was an indication of the way her fingers had worked on it with so much care and warmth; careful not to hurt her, tender enough to make Amanda's heart clench. She spent quite a few nights running her fingertips over it, visiting the memories of Olivia's warm touch against her ribs. That simple but sweet and caring gesture had told Amanda more than Olivia ever had, concerning her feelings towards the blonde.
But still, Amanda respected Olivia's wishes. If the older woman thought they couldn't be together, Amanda would not force her to do anything she didn't want to even though Olivia never gave her a reason for the decision she had made. She had spent hours upon hours thinking about it but she still couldn't understand. It wasn't unheard of detectives to date each other as long as they remained professional during working hours and it certainly wasn't because Olivia didn't return her feelings. Sure. They had become very good friends; friends that supported each other through the good and the bad but sometimes it felt so much more than that. Whether it was Amanda that sat in Olivia's couch, holding her and assuring her that she was never leaving her, when Olivia felt discouraged and lonely, or it was Olivia that sat in Amanda's couch, telling her bad jokes and sharing a few glasses of wine with her when the blonde was feeling particularly gloomy, they were always there for each other. The amount of times Amanda woke up in Liv's arms or the other way around were enough to be considered more than just friendly interaction; and that's without mentioning the amount of sexual tension their bodies seemed to emit at times.
Amanda turned around again, glancing at the casino in front of her. The moment she took a step towards the entrance she froze. The disappointed faces of her squad flashed before her eyes; Fin, Cragen, Munch, Nick, even Olivia. They all believed in her, they had all supported her. She couldn't go in without betraying their trust. She couldn't do it. If she couldn't control the rest of her life, she would at least control that. She owed that much to herself.
With a groan she pulled her phone out of her pocket and tapped on Nick's number. She waited patiently as it rang, holding her breath. When she heard her friend's voice a breath of relief slipped past her lips. "Amanda?"
Amanda opened her mouth but no voice escaped her throat. She knew she could count on him but she hoped to God that he wasn't going to ask questions. All she needed was for him to come and get her.
"Amanda, is everything okay? Are you alright?" Nick asked worried.
"Can you come pick me up?" she muttered into the device, suddenly feeling the headache forming behind her eyes. God, she needed a drink.
"Where are you?"
Amanda felt her eyes fill with tears. "I can't go in, Nick. I shouldn't."
"Amanda, where are you? What's going on?" the man pressed worried about his friend.
A few seconds ticked by but after another prompt from Nick, Amanda swallowed the knot in her throat. "Outside of the Emerald Casino." She finally whispered with a shuddered breath.
Nick didn't fail to notice the desperation in Amanda's voice. "Don't go anywhere. I'll take care of it."
Amanda nodded and held onto the phone until he hung up. She sat down on the pavement, letting her feet bounce nervously while she waited. She didn't even notice how much time had passed while she was staring off into the distance, waiting for her friend but eventually she managed to swallow her tears and clear her face from any evidence.
"Amanda?" Her mind was playing tricks on her, wasn't it? There was no other explanation for the voice she was hearing.
When a hand squeezed her shoulder softly she snapped her attention to the person standing next to her, her eyes meeting a pair of chocolate brown. No. Someone was playing a prank on her.
"Come on. I'll take you home." Olivia smiled tenderly, offering her hand to the blonde.
Oh God, Nick. What did you do?
The blonde stared at the hand in front of her, trying to decide if she should take it. Of all the people he could have send, why did it have to be her? With a quick glance, she realized that the woman was still wearing the beautiful black dress that hugged her in all the right places. Was she still on a date when Nick called her? What was he thinking?
Hesitantly, she slipped her hand into Olivia's, feeling the warmth enveloping her almost instantly. The brunette gasped at the contact. "Oh sweet Lord. You must be freezing!" Olivia pointed out when she realized how cold Amanda's hands were. She let go of her hand for a second, removing her coat and draping it around Amanda's shoulders before wrapping her fingers around both of Amanda's hands and rubbing them together.
Despite Amanda's knees weakening at the sweet gesture, she didn't fail to immediately notice Olivia's bare shoulders. "Liv, you will freeze to death." She made a move to remove the coat but Olivia stopped her immediately. "I'll be fine. You need it more than I do. Besides, I have the heater on in the car." She grabbed her hand again and walked her to the car. After making sure that Amanda was inside and comfortable, Olivia slipped into the driver's seat and looked at her. "Are you okay?"
Amanda dodged the question. She didn't want to lie but what else could she tell her? The last thing she wanted was for Olivia to feel responsible for her state. "Where's Nick?" she muttered, staring at her hands.
"He couldn't leave Zara alone so he called me." Olivia informed her, not missing the way Amanda tried to dodge the question. "Does it bother you that I'm the one picking you up?"
"N-no. It's fine." It didn't sound very convincing but Olivia decided not to call her on it. She didn't try to start a conversation since she sensed that Amanda wasn't ready to talk about what was bothering her. Instead she focused her attention on the road, letting the radio fill the silence.
While the minutes ticked by, Amanda fidgeted in her seat. "I am sorry I am the reason your date was cut short." She murmured softly, unable to stop herself.
Olivia's eyebrows furrowed confused. "I wasn't on a date. Where did you get that?"
Amanda's eyes widened comically. "Ehm, Fin." She just had to mention it, she couldn't let it go. Why didn't she let it go? "He asked you when you stopped by the Squad room earlier." She shrugged and turned her gaze out of the window unable to look at Olivia. The brunette could read her like an open book and she couldn't have that. "Y-you didn't deny it."
"I was teasing him. I was out for drinks with Cabot and Novak."
"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Liv." Amanda pointed out, resting her head against the glass relieved.
Olivia couldn't help the feeling that the thought of her dating had bothered Amanda so much that she ended up outside of a casino. She wasn't blind. She was aware of the blonde's feelings and she couldn't deny her own even though she didn't act on them and tried to hide them. "Is that what's bothering you?"
Amanda instantly froze, nibbling on her lower lip nervously. Am I that transparent? God! "N-no. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous!" She cleared her throat. "Where are we going?" she quickly changed the subject when she realized that Olivia wouldn't let it go. It would probably end up in another discussion about their 'relationship' in which Olivia would lie through her teeth, making Amanda the crazy one and that's one thing Amanda didn't want to deal with.
"My apartment." Olivia informed her, expecting Amanda to object the moment she uttered the word.
Amanda's head snapped towards Liv's direction in an instant. "There is no need for that, Olivia. You should just drop me home. I don't need a babysitter." Olivia actually smiled and gave herself a mental pat on the back for guessing correctly.
"No, Amanda." The brunette refused, stealing a glance at the pouting woman. She was acting like a petulant child, who frankly should irritate Olivia, but the detective found it quite endearing. "Clearly, you are going through something. I will accept that you don't want to tell me and I won't pressure you, but I am sure as hell not gonna let you go through it alone." Amanda huffed and crossed her arms in front of her chest stubbornly. Olivia smirked over her victory.
For the rest of the drive, Amanda was giving her the silent treatment which was to be expected but when they entered Olivia's apartment, Olivia was surprised by the blonde's stubbornness. She had taken Olivia's spare pajamas and changed into them without a single word. When she didn't even respond on Olivia's goodnight, the older woman finally had enough. "If you want to behave like a brat, be my guest. It will still not affect my decision."
Amanda scoffed, glaring at the brunette. "I am not acting like a brat. You are the one being bossy." She pointed out as soon as she sat on the couch and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.
"Yes, you are, Manda and I am certainly not being bossy. I am trying to be here for you as a friend because I see that this is what you need, but for some reason you think I want to boss you around so I will be the one getting my way in the end." Olivia sighed frustrated leaning against a wall.
"You are kidding yourself if you think that you know what I need." Amanda bit back with finality, laying down and turning her back towards Liv. "Turn off the lights on your way out, Detective."
Olivia shook her head, a myriad of different emotions cursing through her; frustration, anger, hurt, confusion and helplessness among those. Why did she have to be so difficult when all Olivia was doing was trying to help her? Silently, she walked to her bathroom to complete her nightly routine while mulling over the interaction with the woman in the next room. She had practically abandoned her friends at the bar after Nick's call because it sounded that Amanda needed… not her, apparently. Amanda hadn't called her. She had called Nick. Despite her thinking that they were friends, apparently they weren't as close as Olivia would like to think. Wasn't it her fault, anyway? She was the one pushing Amanda away for the most part.
Olivia walked out of the bathroom, glancing at the dark unmoving silhouette on her couch. "I am sorry." She whispered, unable to know if the blonde heard or if she had already fallen asleep. She left her bedroom door ajar in case Amanda needed anything and slipped under the covers, drifting away with her 'guest' still in her mind.
A pair of chocolate brown eyes was forced open as it searched wildly around the room in an attempt to locate the source of her disrupted sleep. She strained her ears to listen but she was greeted by a deafening silence. Blaming it on her paranoia, Olivia lay back down and closed her eyes only to reopen them again when a faint whimper caught her attention. Immediately she jumped out of her bed and rushed to the living room with a tight grip on her gun. "Please, stop!" Her heart clenched at the terror she felt cursing through her veins when images of an intruder invaded her mind. She peaked behind the wall but she only found Amanda on the couch tossing and turning in her sleep, whimpers and moans escaping her lips. "Get off me! Please!"
Breathing a sigh of relief but still quite alarmed by Amanda's nightmare, she lowered her gun and walked towards the blonde. She placed it on the coffee table and placed a hand on Amanda's shoulders, shaking her softly. She should have reconsidered waking her while standing over her because as soon as Amanda's eyes flew open, Olivia was blinded by the pain. She fell on her ass from the strength with which Amanda's fist collided with her face. A string of curses slipped from her lips as she clutched her throbbing nose.
It took Amanda a few seconds to shake of the remaining sleep and realize what happened. She quickly rushed to Olivia's help and knelt in front of her. "Olivia, I am so sorry." She muttered wrapping a hand around the brunette's wrist and pried her hand away. "Let me see." Amanda placed a hand below Olivia's chin and lifted her head upwards, examining the damage she had done. "Does it hurt?" she asked, poking it softly.
Olivia groaned and slapped her hand away. "What do you think?"
Amanda pouted, feeling horrible and helped Olivia to the couch. "I'll bring you some ice." She murmured and walked to the kitchen. While she was wrapping some ice cubes in a towel with a frown, Olivia watched her closely. "Don't beat yourself up, Rollins. It's alright. It's partly my fault too." She tried to assure her with a wincing smile but it didn't make a difference.
Amanda offered the towel to Olivia when she returned. "You better do it yourself. I don't want to hurt you again." She simply stated waiting for the brunette to take the ice from her.
"Don't be ridiculous, Amanda. You didn't do it on purpose." Olivia rolled her eyes but took the item from her and watched how Amanda sat next to her quietly. "Are you okay?"
"Me? I am fine. I am not the one whose living daylights were punched out of them." Amanda leaned against the back of the couch but her eyes didn't leave the other woman. When she felt a hand against her own, though, she lowered her gaze.
"It's not my first punch. I'll be alright." Olivia squeezed her hand, forcing her to look at her again. "I am more worried about you and the nightmare you had."
Amanda immediately pulled away and directed her gaze anywhere but at the older woman. "I don't even remember it. I am fine." She shrugged Olivia's concern off.
"Please. Don't lie to me anymore." Olivia lowered the ice from her face and tossed it on the coffee table, turning her attention and her entire body towards her, her pain seeming insignificant. She could see the haunted gaze in the pair of blue eyes and it tagged on her heart uncomfortably. "Look at me, please."
Amanda did as she was told. The moment their eyes connected, Amanda saw the understanding and the worry. She knew. Olivia knew what her nightmare was about; not because she was an SVU detective and she could read victims like the palm of her hand, but because she had personal experience with her own nightmares. "How long ago?" Olivia whispered softly, reaching out and enveloping her hand with her own.
"Three months before transferring here." She finally admitted when the silence became too much. "He was the reason I left."
"He worked with you?" Amanda couldn't bear to look at her any longer so she lowered her gaze to their linked hands, watching how Olivia's thumb caressed her pale skin and drawing strength from it. "He was my Chief." She admitted and drew her knees against her chest but never pulling away from Olivia. "My sister got in trouble with the police. You know how she is." Olivia nodded but Amanda didn't notice. She couldn't look at anything other than the coffee table in front of her, not that she was actually looking. It felt as if she wasn't in the room. Olivia's touch was the only thing keeping her grounded. "My Chief called me and promised that he would make the charges disappear if I did something for him. I knew what he wanted but I had to protect my sister." Her hold at Liv's hand tightened but Olivia never ceased her strokes.
"I met him at this motel just outside of Loganville. It was a horrible place, smelly and old but I got in anyway. I will never forget the horrible smell inside the room or in his breath." A choking sound had escaped from her throat and Olivia felt her heart breaking but didn't interrupt. "My skin crawled the moment he touched me and his breath-" she shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes. "-he was drunk and he started to become rough. I pushed him away and told him to stop but he got more excited. He threw me on the bed and and…" a full heart wrenching sob burst out of her, her hands flew to her face, hiding it from Olivia's warm eyes. "He was raping me and all I did was sitting there, listening to the ticking clock hanging above my head, begging for the time to go faster. But it's entirely my fault. I went there willingly."
"No, sweetheart. No, this is not your fault. You did what you could to protect your sister. He took advantage of you. It's his fault, not yours. He is a monster." Olivia tried in vain to assure her but Amanda wasn't listening. She was sobbing in her palms, her body shaking and all she could think about was that she was making a fool of herself in front of Olivia. She flinched when she felt Olivia's fingers around her arm. "It's okay. It's okay to cry, sweetheart. You have to let it out." She tagged at her arm softly. The simple tag was all it took. Olivia gasped surprised when she felt Amanda's weight against her own body, the blonde's arms encircling Olivia's waist tightly while her face was buried in the crook of her neck.
Olivia held her tightly, caressing her golden locks for as long as the other woman needed it. She waited patiently while the younger woman wept in her arm, humming under her breath in an attempt to calm her down. She remembered the day Amanda had told her she was assaulted and she blamed herself for not digging deeper instead of brushing it off as if it was nothing. It was eating Amanda alive for months now.
And now that Amanda finally broke down and told her everything, Olivia didn't know what to do to make her feel better. She simply held her in her arms, pressed a kiss on the top of her head and hummed under her breath while Amanda's weeping broke her heart in pieces.
When Amanda started to finally calm down, or at least when her sobs subsided in whimpers, Olivia didn't let go. She leaned back against the armrest, feeling the trembling body curling against her side. "Your voice is beautiful." Amanda whispered with a trembling voice against her neck. "C-could you-" She stopped herself when she felt a blush painting her cheeks.
"What is it? What do you need?" Olivia inquired curiously.
"Nothing. Never mind." Amanda mumbled and sighed. She lifted a hand to wipe the traces of her tears away. When Olivia pulled slightly away to look at her, Amanda gripped on her t-shirt tightly; fear written all over her face. "It's okay, sweetheart. I am not going anywhere." The brunette assured her and placed a kiss against her forehead.
"Do you want me to sing it to you? The lullaby I was humming?" She concluded but when she saw the blush intensify on the other woman's cheeks, she knew the answer. She wasn't really confident about her singing but if that was what Amanda needed, she couldn't deny it to her. "My grandmother used to sing it to me when I was little and had nightmares." She explained as she draped the blanket over them.
"Y-you don't have to, if you don't want to." Amanda muttered, her whole body extremely tense. "I don't mind. I will do it if it helps to keep him far away from your thoughts. He won't touch you again." Olivia stated which sounded a lot like a promise. It actually made Amanda relax a little bit, so she nodded and finally loosened her grip on Olivia's shirt.
The brunette didn't hesitate. She opened her mouth, letting the familiar words slip past her lips while her fingers ran softly through blonde hair.
Wandering child of the earth
Do you know just how much you're worth?
You have walked this path since your birth
You were destined for more
There are those who'll tell you you're wrong
They will try to silence your song
But right here is where you belong
So don't search anymore
You are the dawn of a new day that's waking
A masterpiece still in the making
The blue in an ocean of grey
You are right where you need to be
Poised to inspire and to succeed
You'll look back and you'll realize one day
In your eyes there is doubt
As you try to figure it out
But that's not what life is about
So have faith there's a way
Though the world may try to define you
It can't take the light that's inside you
So don't you dare try to hide
Let your fears fade away.
Amanda's breath had evened out; her chest rose and fell slowly against Olivia's side when the brunette finished the lullaby. "No one will hurt you again, sweetheart." Olivia whispered softly and pressed her lips against her head once more before shutting her own eyes, willing sleep to take her away as well.