Nile was drowning.
Not again. Make it stop.
Panic. Despair. Rage.
She tried to form a word in the darkness and clawed her way upward to find herself sitting in a tangle of covers, drenched in sweat not sea water.
She gulped air, not caring for a moment that it was tinged with the sickly-sweet smell of mildew.
A light tap on the door startled her but then Nicky's softly accented voice floated through the crack.
"Nile?" It was a tentative query. "You okay?"
"I-" she took a steadying breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."
Her voice cracked on the last word and, after what seemed like a slight hesitation, Nicky pushed the door open.
He smiled at her and shook his head.
"I have bad dreams, too." He shrugged. "It's part of the job. I was making myself some tea. You should join me."
He turned and headed down the hall toward the kitchen. Something about how he had said that last sentence, most people would have made it a question but coming from Nicky? It sounded more like good advice. Nile sighed and pulled the rumpled bedding away. It wasn't like she was going back to sleep anytime soon.
When she got to the kitchen, Nicky was scooping tea into a small tea pot that was brimming with steaming water. He gestured to the table where she could see two cups, a strainer, sugar, and cream were already neatly laid out and waiting for her. She took the seat to the right, the same seat she'd occupied at dinner…and lunch and every other meal they'd shared in this ramshackle place.
"So," Nicky said as he placed the tea pot on the table and settled into his own seat. "What's keeping you up? Your first death? Quynh? Those always seem to be in rotation for me."
Nile shuddered and Nicky's chin dropped almost as if in defeat.
"Quynh. Booker stopped dreaming about her a few years after he found us." Nicky's voice was very soft now. So still, Nile found herself leaning forward to better hear him. "I had hoped it meant she was dead." His eyes locked on Andy's room. "We all did."
"I really don't wanna talk about it." Nile said and she really didn't.
"I understand." Nicky smiled. "What should we talk about?"
"How 'bout we talk about you?" She asked. "What kind of dreams keep an immortal up?"
Nicky chuckled. "Technically, you would know but-"
He waved her off before she could sputter a retort.
"But!" He said, hands up as if in surrender. "I know where you are coming from. The first few decades are hard, and the first year may be the hardest."
Nile shook her head. The way these guys talked about time.
"It's a lot to take in." Nicky smiled, seeming to read her mind. "You will do fine though."
He carefully placed the strainer over her tea cup and filled it.
"Do you take sugar and cream?" He asked with a mischievous smile. "These are things two immortal companions should know about each other."
"Yeah, one sugar and just a splash."
Nicky's eyebrows rose briefly and Nile was pleased to have even slightly fazed the inscrutable man.
"You seem surprised." She said.
He shrugged. "Most Americans don't take milk in their tea."
"Well, my Dad was deployed to England when we were kids. I guess I picked up a few bad habits."
She shouldn't have thought of her Dad. Thoughts of her Dad had never been simple but now they were just one monkey in a whole tangled mess. Tears stung at her eyes as she tried to stuff all the monkeys back in the barrel.
"Your family?" Nicky asked and when Nile nodded, so did he.
"Don't nod at me." She said, surprised to find herself angry. "You can't remember what this feels like. You probably don't remember what your family look like."
"Andy says this." Nicky smiled sorrowfully. "I'm not sure I believe her. It may be true but-" He closed his eyes. "I still remember my father's face as I last saw him." He smiled. "In Andy's defense, I was trying to remember him when I left. I did not believe I would see him again."
"Because of the whole can't die thing?" Nile asked.
"Oh, no. Quite the opposite. We both expected that I would die." Nicky had finished doctoring his own tea and raised the cup to his lips, looking through the rising steam as though it showed him something he would rather avoid.
He took a sip and seemed to come to a decision.
"I will tell you the story, such as it is." He paused, gathering himself and then turned intense eyes on Nile. "You know what I am, yes?"
"Immortal?" Nile responded.
Nicky shook his head. "This is not the only thing about me and it is not the only thing of importance about you. You know I love men, yes?"
"Oh!" Nile got it. "Well, yeah. I got eyes. You and Joe are kinda joined at the hip." She smiled amused that he felt there could be any doubt in her mind. "I somehow managed to work it out."
"When I was a boy, I was discovered by my father." Nicky sighed. "He was a good man, my father, but he was bound by his belief. He could not accept me. If he did, he would be condemning me to damnation. So, he sent me away to do penance in a monastery. To save my immortal soul."
"He locked you up because you like boys?"
"Not precisely. I was not compelled to stay. I agreed to go. I believed as fervently as he did, and I also sought to save my eternal soul from this temptation." He chuckled. "For all the good it did me. I fell helplessly in love with another monk. He was not much older than me and very kind. I imagined a life together though apart and holy. We would live simply and godly, you see, completely celibate in my mind but together for the rest of our mortal lives."
"That sounds lonely." Nile frowned, trying to imagine and falling short.
"When my father heard of the crusade, he removed me from the monastery. I did not want to go. At the time, what experience had I with fighting and violence?" He frowned. "I did not desire the life of a warrior. But my father, he leveraged all he had to equip and send me into battle."
"Why?" Nile frowned, remembering the knock down drag out fights she'd had with her Mom when she'd announced her plans to join the Marines. "Wasn't he worried you could die?"
"He hoped I would die, Nile." Nicky took another, slow sip of tea. "You must understand how people thought at the time. The Pope decreed that anyone who fought the enemies of God and helped to reclaim the holy land would be purified. No matter what your sin or past, upon your death you would ascend to Heaven as a martyr. No Hell. No Purgatory. My father sacrificed so much, endangered our family's position all to give me that chance. Can you image? A philosophy, a religion that trains a man to hope for the death of his son, not despite his love but because of it?"
Nile shook her head. She had always been taught that God loved everyone freely.
"It's not like that anymore." She insisted ready for a fight but Nicky seemed disinclined to give her one.
He shrugged again. "Perhaps not in your mind and in your experience. My experience is long and my memory longer and I remember the last time I saw my father. He embraced me. He blessed me and thanked God for my salvation before admonishing me to be brave. He promised me he would see me again. That, by the grace of God and this opportunity, we would be reunited in Heaven." Nicky sighed. "It is the only promise he broke, or perhaps I did."
"By the time Joe and I returned to Europe, to Italy, we were with Andy and Quynh and my father was long dead."
"I'm sorry." Nile said and she meant it.
"I am also sorry." Nicky answered. "It is not an easy thing, to live so long a life alone."
"You seem to get it. Is that why you were going so much easier on Book than Joe? Why do you understand how hard it is to be alone when he can't?"
"Joe knows what it is to be alone." Nicky's tone startled Nile and her eyes darted to his face to find it rigid, his jaw clenched. Yet, as she watched, he took a deep breath and was soon smiling again.
"What was that? And how do you do that?" Nile asked.
"What?" Nicky looked genuinely perplexed and Nile's irritation subsided. Being angry with Nicky was like being angry with a puppy. You could do it, but not for very long.
"You," She faltered. "You never seem to be anything but serene. Like you're not human like the rest of us. But you are! I see it sometimes but just flashes and the next thing I know you're back to being St. Nick."
Nicky laughed out loud and then covered his mouth, glancing guiltily toward the bedrooms where Joe and Andy rested.
Nile couldn't help but smile at this childish gesture and shook her head.
"Okay," Nicky's voice had dropped to a whisper but he cleared his throat and switched back to his previous volume. "I understand. The others have mentioned it from time to time, you can imagine. I believe it has to do with my time as a monk. We would observe periods of complete silence. We were taught to examine emotion and to view it almost with suspicion as our 'earthly desires' could lead us astray. I no longer believe the supernatural elements but that life gave me a measure of peace within myself." He shrugged. "I have found it to be useful to," He shook his head. "This is hard to explain. It is a long life. All lives have tragedy but ours more so. It can be maddening to feel as though the worold fades behind you. It's as though you are walking through the sand and only your footprints remain. Someone sweeps away all trace of those who walked beside you."
He leaned back in his chair and took another sip of tea. "I suppose that makes no sense. But, know that even Joe and I, we have had a time when we were separated. Joe knows what it is to be alone."
"When? Why?" Nile leaned forward, intrigued. "Did you fight or something? What happened?"
"That's a story Book never heard. Perhaps that is part of why he did what he did." Nicky frowned. "Perhaps if I had shared that story with him, he would not have betrayed us and he would still be here."
"You miss him." Nile said and Nicky nodded.
"He is still so young." He sighed.
"He is old enough."
Nile and Nicky both jumped, startled by Joe's entry into the conversation.
But Nicky soon smiled, and Nile found herself wondering if she would ever find someone who smiled like that at her and, if she did, if she would be allowed to keep that person or be forced to leave them behind.
Joe hugged Nicky to his chest and gave his head a light kiss before grabbing an empty cup and joining them at the table.
"You can't keep blaming yourself for the mistakes of others, Nicolo." Joe frowned. "Book knew what he was doing. He knew it was wrong."
"He meant it for the best-"
"I don't want to have this conversation again." Joe interrupted. "We compromised. Compromise means none of us will be completely happy. For me, I would rather not be forced to trust that man with your life ever again."
Nicky smiled and held up both palms in acquiescence.
"But perhaps Nile should know?" He added.
Joe's frowned deepened and Nile could sense a change in him.
"Nicky's right." Andy, like Joe, had mastered the art of materializing out of nowhere.
She marched over to the table, cup already in hand and practically snarled when the tea pot ran dry. Nicky was up like a shot.
"Allow me." He smiled reaching for the pot. Their eyes met as she handed it to him and he winked. Nile was shocked to see the hardened warrior's seeming granite expression soften. Nicky smiled triumphantly and Andy actually smiled back, shaking her head as he trotted happily to the sink.
No one spoke at the little table as Nicky fussed about in the kitchen. He returned with a much larger pot of tea and carefully served everyone before retaking his seat.
Only after Andy had taken a long, seemingly satisfying sip of her tea did she break the silence.
"Okay, story time but of the cautionary tale sort, yeah?"
Joe started to speak but Andy cut him off.
"And I'll be the one telling it, understood?" She turned to Joe. "You'll make it all your fault and you," she addressed Nicky now, "you'll make excuses for all the wrong people."
She took another sip. "We learned a lot about ourselves in this story but in the wrong way."
She put a hand on Nicky's arm and Joe leaned over to do the same to Nicky's shoulder.
Whatever this story was, Nile suspected it wasn't a pleasant chapter for Nicky and she was surprised to find herself angry on his behalf. She'd only know him for a few months at this point but she realized she found it difficult to imagine him being hurt, immortal or not. For all he was a certifiable badass, he still took up space in her heart usually reserved for puppies and kittens. She did not like the idea of someone messing with him.
"Okay," Andy withdrew her hand and cupped her tea. "Fastest way is straight through. We were in Paris."