{ I AM BACK FINALLY! Sorry it took so long you guys. And thank you for not losing hope 3 You are the best!
Work has been quite the bitch and this heat was even worse. It was way too hard to focus. I hope you will enjoy this chapter. We are finally coming to an end! Hopefully I haven't let anyone down :D Thank you for the love you have shown to this story! I really appreciate all of you! 3}
After that little heart to heart, things seemed to be looking up for the two women. At first Amanda was a bit worried that Olivia was going to look at her differently or even pity her but when she never received any kind of behavior to point that way, she finally calmed down. The nightly visits at each other's houses continued but both women refrained from bringing up any discussion concerning a relationship or their feelings for one another. Their talks usually revolved around their work, small-talk and the occasional teasing. It was usually Olivia teasing Amanda about how much Frannie used to prefer her over her owner every time Frannie used Olivia as a cuddling buddy instead of Amanda.
The following days, the SVU squad worked together non-stop trying to solve the case of the five brutal rapes and murders until they finally got a break. Even though, they discovered the actual crime scene, which was an abandoned warehouse, they were unable to find the killer but as they looked closer to the victims' lives, they were able to find the link between them. All five of them used to work in the same strip club at some point.
To Olivia's dismay that was what led Amanda to go undercover as a waitress while the guys of the squad took turns in taking the role of a frequent customer to keep an eye on Amanda and gather information whenever they could. Olivia insisted to stay in the car outside for back-up every night, fearing for her friend's life. The Captain was having none of that. He had tried to assure her that there was no reason for her to do that since he had officers around the block and a few inside the club but when Olivia, ever the stubborn one refused to back down, he ordered her to take some nights off away from the precinct and the strip club. Olivia had a bad feeling about this particular undercover gig which was exactly the reason why she disobeyed the orders and continued her stake outs in secret, keeping an ear on the police radio and her eyes on the entrance.
It took a mere second for everything to go downhill and no one had prepared Olivia for what was about to happen. She was holding onto her coffee cup curled on the driver's seat with her coat tightly around her body to protect her from the chill of the night when the gunshots filled the deadly silence. Olivia's heart was gripped tightly and it almost stopped beating when she heard the radio. "Officer down. Officer down!"
The blood in her veins froze.
Her immediate thought was Amanda. She quickly forced the door open and jumped out of the car, tossing her coffee on the ground and running towards the entrance. She pushed around the other officers that flood the building at the sound of the gunshots.
Her eyes were scanning every inch of the scene in front of her, trying to locate the blonde. They had managed to detain the shooter but still Amanda was nowhere to be seen.
The brunette walked further in to the room searching frantically when she saw the body. It couldn't be Amanda, it just couldn't. She ran to the body and kneeled beside her. "Amanda?" she muttered. The woman was laying on her stomach while her blonde curly hair hid her face from view. She couldn't deny it. The similarities were too many. "Oh God, please." Her vision was starting to get blurry when she reached out and placed a hand on her neck, checking for a pulse.
"No, no!" She whispered with tears finally running down her cheeks. She had denied her feelings for so long from fear that the blonde was going to abandon her just like Elliot but in the end she hadn't managed to avoid falling in love with her. And now the blonde was gone before she had the chance to tell her; before she had the chance to be with her.
How could I be so stupid? So stubborn?
The blood had drenched her pants from where she was kneeling while her vision had turned completely blurry from the tears but all of a sudden she found herself enveloped into a warm embrace that rocked her back and forth. A set of arms held her tightly and Olivia couldn't care less that she was causing a scene. She lost her best friend; she lost the woman she was in love with. Again.
She buried her face in blonde hair and held for dear life. A scent of vanilla and cinnamon hit her so so hard. Hold on a second. I know this perfume. She thought and pulled back abruptly, staring at the person that was trying to console her. Olivia blinked a few times to clear her vision and she found herself glancing in a pair of blue eyes. "It's okay, Olivia. There was nothing you could to save her." Amanda muttered placing a hand on Olivia's shoulders.
"Y-you are alive?" she muttered and placed a hand on Amanda's cheek, caressing it and making sure she was real.
"Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Amanda questioned confused. When Olivia didn't speak but sat there staring at her, Amanda turned towards the lifeless body next to them and gasped, noticing the similarities and realizing why Olivia was so distraught. "You thought I was dead." She whispered and immediately snapped into action. She quickly pulled Olivia away from the dead woman and the other people around them and gripped her hands tightly. "Look at me, darling. I am alright. I am here." The brunette seemed to be in shock. She was just standing there staring at Amanda barely breathing. Amanda, then, took her hand and placed it against her heart. "I am alive, Liv. I am still here." She smiled hesitantly.
Olivia glanced down at their hands and blinked; once, twice. A fresh wave of tears made its appearance down her cheeks in an instant. Her labored breathing reached Amanda's ears but by the time she snapped into attention, the brunette pulled away and ran outside. Amanda tried to follow but when she finally got outside she could only watch Olivia's car driving away.
Fin approached Amanda silently and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Go home and change and then go find her. I'll take care of this."
Amanda nodded with a grateful smile and hurried to her car. She kept calling Olivia all through the night and even visited a few places she thought she might be in, including her apartment but she was unsuccessful in locating her. She had even stopped by the precinct but Munch, who was in charge of the night shift, told her that he hadn't seen Olivia all day.
When she finally returned back to her apartment, she poured herself a glass of wine and resumed with the phone calls but all the calls went straight to voicemail; every single one of them. The worry was eating her up alive. She felt lost and all she could do was to wait for Olivia to contact her.
Back at the precinct, Munch opened the door to the cribs and slipped inside the room. He glanced at his friend with a sad frown. She was sitting on the floor, legs pulled against her chest and hands clutching at her head.
"She is gone." He informed her and sat on next to her.
"Thank you, John." She muttered, staring at the floor. "For not telling anyone where I am. I am not ready to face any of them."
"Don't mention it. What are friends for?" He smiled, shoving her gently with his elbow.
The silence kept on dragging between them but John didn't push her to tell him what was bothering her. In fact he just sat there keeping her company silently and letting her fight her demons. Just his presence was enough for Olivia until she managed to sort out her thoughts and she appreciated the situation.
"Do you know what happened?" she finally whispered after half an hour of complete silence.
"I do. Fin called."
"Does the Captain know?" she bit her lower lip in worry.
"He knows about the situation but not that you disobeyed his orders. Both Fin and I thought it would be better if we kept that a secret for now." He assured her.
"Thank you, John." She nodded.
When a few more minutes passed in silence, John nudged her. "What happened in there, Liv?"
Liv's eyes filled with tears again; images of all the chaos flashing before her eyes again. A lifeless body. Blood. So much blood. She shook her head. "I-I don't know, John. I just lost it when I saw-" she swallowed the bile that threatened to escape her throat.
"What you thought was Amanda's lifeless body on the floor?" he finished for her. When she didn't speak or nod, John reached out and took her hand. "You love her." He finally concluded causing Olivia to flinch when she heard it out loud. She didn't deny it. How could she? "In fact you have been in love with her for quite some time, haven't you?" Olivia's head snapped at her companion, the question lingered on the air. "Don't act so surprised, Liv. We've been working together for years. I am one of the few people that can read you so well." Munch pointed out with a comforting squeeze of her shoulder.
Olivia rolled her bloodshot eyes and shoved Munch away. "Yeah sure. You just noticed. Did you also notice when it started happening?" she asked sarcastically, unable to believe that someone had noticed. She thought they were being discreet.
"Remember a few days after Rollins transferred here? I had suggested that undercover gig at the Cryogenics?" he pointed out with a knowing smile and all Olivia could do was gaping like a fish. "My dear Liv, you are not as discreet as you might think. Fin noticed as well. But it was none of our business, so we didn't say anything."
"And you are going to say now?" Olivia's voice was laced with concern.
"I wasn't planning to until I saw you how I saw you tonight." He sighed. He reached out and took her hand. "I know you are scared, Liv. And correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that this fear was born when Elliot retired without a word." At the mention of Elliot's name, Olivia's blood froze and so did her body.
"W-what?"
John gave her a knowing look. "It shouldn't surprise you. I told you. You are not as discreet as you led people to believe. I know the way he left changed you. It changed you so much." He shook his head. "Don't forget I knew you way before he left. You became so guarded with your feelings. You built up these high walls and only recently you started letting people back in."
Olivia rested her forehead on her arms which were sitting on her knees as she was listening to John's reasoning. She couldn't deny any of that. He was right and they both knew it. When Elliot left, he left such emptiness. It brought so many feelings and Olivia had vowed not to let anyone abandon her again. And to do that she had to keep everyone at arm's length. In fact she didn't even realize when Amanda had slipped past her walls.
"In our line of work, you know better that to let life pass you by. You need to cease what you want, Liv. Letting fear stop you from living is not an option because there will come a day that you will realize that it's too late."
Olivia lifted her head slowly and looked at him with a frown. "What do you mean, John?" she muttered, finally feeling the heaviness of the day crushing her body.
"I believe in the phrase that everything happens for a reason, Liv. Treat this day as your wake up call. Go to her. Tell her how you feel and leave the fear behind. It's gonna sound macabre but you never know when we are gonna live the last day of our life. Especially in the job we chose to do. She is still alive. You still have the chance."
After his words something clicked in Olivia's mind and heart. He was right. She had wasted precious time because of her fear. She almost lost Amanda today anyway. She was already in love with her. How could she be so stupid?
"Go home, take a shower and go find her. She is probably worrying sick." He pointed out. Olivia nodded and wiped her eyes clean before standing up. "And before you go, could you maybe help your poor old friend up? My bones aren't as strong as they used to be." He joked and Olivia offered a hand, pulling him up with a chuckle before enveloping him in a tight hug.
"Thank you, John." She whispered.
John nodded and pushed her towards the door. "Go now." He smiled.
When the door was closing behind the brunette, she caught something about foolish young love which managed to lift her spirits just a bit more.
Olivia had just gotten out of the shower when a loud bang on the door made her jump out of her skin. Fear gripped her heart and her hand gripped tightly at her gun as she made her way to the front door. Each footstep was matched with one loud bang.
"Who is it?" She called loudly raising one hand on the handle.
"Jesus Christ!" the sarcastic feminine voice from the other side replied. "Olivia Benson, open the fucking door right now. I swear to God!"
An audible sigh escaped past Olivia's lips and the grip on her gun loosened. She swiftly opened the door and Amanda burst through like a tornado. She barely looked at Olivia and headed straight to the living room, Frannie trotting after her none the wiser. The blonde quickly crossed her arms in front of her chest glaring at Olivia when the brunette joined her.
Olivia, on her part, just stood there gazing at the furious woman lovingly unable to believe how stupid she was. "Do you have any idea how worried I was?" Amanda growled but Olivia was completely unfazed. Honestly she was unable to pay attention to what Amanda was telling her. The only thing that mattered was that she was there, alive and breathing. "What are you staring at?" the other woman snapped. "Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you answer? I thought that something happened to you?"
When Amanda realized that she wasn't going to get any kind of response, she walked angrily in front of her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "Olivia! What is wrong with you? Did something happen?" she was practically begging her for a response.
It actually helped Olivia to snap out of it. She lifted a hand on Amanda's cheek, brushing a thumb against her soft skin. The action caused goosebumps to break all over her skin. "Liv?" Amanda's angry tone had completely disappeared after the intimacy of the touch; instead it was replaced with a concerned whisper.
Olivia pulled her into a tight hug which only managed to alarm Amanda more. "You are freaking me out, Liv. Are you okay?" she whispered offering the brunette a tight hug. She felt her nod and managed to relax a little.
"I am now." Olivia finally said and pulled back to look at her.
"But you weren't before?"
"I thought I had lost you, Manda. For ever." A few tears pooled into her eyes as she looked into the blue ones in front of her. "I couldn't cope with the thought." She lifted a hand against her cheek again, pulling her in slowly, giving her the chance to push her away. Amanda just followed Olivia transfixed until the space between them disappeared completely. Their lips locked together in a soft slow kiss and everything else just went away.
Amanda gripped Olivia's bathrobe in an attempt to keep her close, afraid that she might take it back. A few tears gathered at the corners of her eyes behind her closed eyelids. She was in love with the brunette ever since she met her but she had backed down after Olivia turned her away. If she was being honest, all hopes had disappeared and she came to terms with being just her friend. To have her back in her arms, to kiss her, to hold her was just a far away dream; But Olivia made sure to make it come true.
The loss of the warmth of Olivia's lips snapped Amanda out of her trance but she didn't open her eyes. The brunette rested her forehead against Amanda's but didn't open her eyes either. "I can't bear the thought of losing you. Ever." She muttered, holding Amanda as close as possible.
"You won't, Liv. I won't let that happen."
"Good. Because I love you too much for that." The hitch in Amanda's breath brought a chuckle out of Olivia. "Surprised?"
"A little bit." Amanda smiled sheepishly.
The brunette pulled her to the couch wrapping her arms around her waist and marveled at the way the smaller woman felt between her arms. After that first (if you can call it that) kiss, Amanda didn't waste any more time to steal a few more from Olivia and Olivia was more than glad to provide them. They spent the rest of the night curled up into each other until Amanda fell asleep against Olivia, leaving the brunette lost into her own thoughts; The smell of vanilla filling her lungs, a cute dog sleeping peacefully on her one side while the love of her life slept comfortably against her other side.
A quick look around proved enough to make her realize what she had almost lost but it also proved enough to remind her how lucky and happy she is and will be.
After who knows how much time, she felt Amanda stir against her. Olivia pulled back slightly to look at her.
"By the way, Liv, I love you too much too." Amanda said sleepily. Olivia chuckled and leaned in to kiss her softly.
"Thank you for not giving up on me."
"I couldn't even if I tried. You might be stubborn, Benson, but you just met your match." Amanda smirked coyly causing Olivia to chuckle.
"Come on, stubborn. We both need a good night's sleep after the day we had." She pulled Amanda from the couch and straight to her bed. For the rest of the night and straight until the late morning, Olivia held Amanda by her side not letting go. Not even for a second.