A/N Ayoooooo. It's me. Not gonna lie, I did not think I was going to actually finish this in time because school legit drowning me. But somehowwww I found time to write this, so I really hope you like it because I lost sleep writing it. Anyway this is a canon compliant one shot about Sirius and Buckbeak. The idea hit me like a train and I was like wow. That would make a cool oneshot. So I wrote it. Nice right? Also don't be surprised if a Translucent Crime is pushed back because I did not remember school as this hard LOL. Okay I hope you enjoy this.
Love ya.
Sirius supposed that it was a bad thing to have gotten used to being an animal. Though to be perfectly honest he much preferred it to being human. Hell that was the reason he was still sane. Memories of Azkaban were only traces, which he would be forever grateful for. Yet something gnawed at him as he clung to the hippogriff for dear life, flying over England rather spectacularly if he did say so himself. Was it possible to forget how to be human?
No. Of course it wasn't. One couldn't just forget to be human. Even if they had spent nearly 13 years as a dog. Sirius swallowed down the hysterical laughter bubbling up inside of him. 13 years as a bloody dog.
"What do you think of that...Buckbeak was it?" Sirius asked the hippogriff. Some absurd part of him wished he was a dog so he could try and communicate with the beast. Although he knew dogs couldn't speak bird he kind of wanted to try, just to see what would happen. Buckbeak ignored him (as he had expected) and they continued their journey over England. The whole time Sirius wished he was a dog. If only so the stabbing ache in his chest would go away.
Sirius Black already knew he was going to be absolute shite at being a godfather. Even though he had technically been Harry's godfather for almost 14 years now, he told himself it didn't really count till he broke out of Azkaban. He had spent most of that time as a dog so clearly it didn't count. Logically, he knew Harry would understand that he was still getting used to the feeling of being human again. However that nagging part of his brain told him the kid already hated his guts. Which he had, a month ago. But now Harry wrote him long letters detailing everything he thought Sirius should know about him. Shite, the kid was adorable. And Sirius was grateful that hopefully now they would have many more years to get to know each other. But deep down he knew that kid deserved better than him.
"Buckbeak. Buckbeak. Aw come on, wake up, I think someone's coming." Sirius nudged the sleeping hippogriff as gently as he possibly could, not wanting to get his arm bitten off. Currently he and Buckbeak were staying somewhere in Scotland. He hadn't been paying much attention last night after the long ride, so perhaps they had accidentally landed in a Muggle campsite. He didn't want to consider the other alternative that he had been found by some aurors or something.
Branches broke not too far off and Sirius did his best to ignore the knot winding in his chest.
"Please, wake up." He patted Buckbeak on the head, praying it finally did something. But he just made a noise in his sleep and wrapped his wings tighter around himself. Sirius swallowed a moan. He wasn't going back to Azkaban. They were going to be fine. They were going to get out of here.
"Nah, let's go to the other trail. Too much mud over here." A deep voice sounded terrifyingly close to him.
"Yeah, yeah. Alright, come on." Another voice, this one slightly higher responded. Footsteps retreated in the opposite direction and Sirius practically collapsed to the ground in relief. Buckbeak rose to his feet and nipped at Sirius's hair.
"Argh! Stop that." He swatted Buckbeak away, laughing. Buckbeak blinked at him. Sirius was probably a tad mad, but he could've sworn the hippogriff was trying to tell him something. He shook himself. Now really wasn't the time to try and converse with a hippogriff. They should probably get out of here before someone else came tramping by.
He heaved a loud sigh and turned to Buckbeak.
"Well." He started, running a hand through his matted hair. "How do you fancy somewhere tropical instead?" Buckbeak squawked and reared on his hind legs. Sirius stepped back, only slightly terrified.
"Hey now, careful. I still need both my arms." He raised his arms in jest, not expecting Buckbeak to survey him carefully before placing his huge head on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius stiffened at the contact, not sure why he felt so emotional all of a sudden. He squeezed his eyes shut and drew back his shoulders, stepping away.
"None of that Buckbeak, we have places to be." He spoke in a falsely bright tone and he had a feeling the hippogriff knew it.
Sirius always felt a bit absurd, bringing Buckbeak with him everywhere. A couple of times he had contemplated letting him go, though Buckbeak didn't really seem to want to leave him. Everytime he had taken Buckbeak to an area with open sky, the hippogriff had simply settled down and taken a nap. Which was perfectly fine by him. It was comforting knowing he could at least count on the hippogriff. As the days passed, rapidly or slowly, Sirius would talk to Buckbeak to pass the time. He told him about Harry, who he barely knew. Really Sirius just knew that the kid was too pure for this world, and deserved a better life than the one he had gotten. Honestly he wished he would've been able to give him a home. Harry had seemed so thrilled at the prospect of leaving his Aunt and Uncle behind, it worried him. There wasn't much he could do about that right now though. The only thing to do was to stay alive and moving so he didn't get put back in Azkaban. Because he would slit his throat before he went back.
He still remembered being surrounded by darkness every second. By screams and loud bangs. The never ending sadness that was always pressing down on his windpipe. Sirius wasn't being dramatic when he said he would rather die than go back there.
He felt as though years of his life had been stolen from him. Years he should've spent working and falling in love multiple times, he spent as a dog. A very sad dog who was sometimes a human.
He told all of these things to Buckbeak. Even though he was not quite sure the hippogriff knew how to speak English or not. He probably did. Buckbeak was a smart one. He found the best places to spend the night, and he was excellent at finding ferrets. Hell the hippogriff could find ferrets anywhere in a forest it was uncanny and a tad unsettling. It felt nice to have someone to talk to. If it were not for the hippogriff, Sirius probably wouldn't have spoken a word in months. Actually he probably would've just turned back into a dog so he didn't have to deal with all the technicalities of being human. With all the feelings that had his breaths coming in gasps, and a wave of anger, and sadness pressing over his nose. Suffocating him. Sirius realized he didn't much like being human. But he would still have to try. For Harry. And for Buckbeak. It was stupid to get so attached to the bloody beast. Yet he loved him all the same. And when Buckbeak would rest his head on Sirius's shoulder, he knew that Buckbeak must feel the same way as well.
"Buckbeak you have to stay here." Sirius repeated for the fourth time in the past ten minutes. "No offense but someone is going to notice you where I'm going." To Harry. He was finally going to see Harry again after months of being apart. He was excited. Mostly. He was just going to push that nagging little voice to the back of his head again. He doesn't like you.
"Buckbeak!" Sirius repeated, his voice unusually high. He was going to vomit if he stayed another minute. The hippogriff regarded him for a moment before turning around and laying on the ground. Sirius could've sworn he heard the hippogriff huff.
"Don't do that." He sighed, running a hand through his hair, matted as always. Buckbeak made a low noise in his throat.
"Fine. Try and guilt trip me. It won't work." He snapped. He glanced at the sky, it was darkening. He cast a rain repelling charm over Buckbeak and stood stiffly. Fuck. The hippogriff looked so sad lying there. It reminded him of his days in Azkaban, although the situation couldn't be more different. Buckbeak was a hippogriff for Merlin's sake! Did hippogriffs feel the same way humans did? He frowned and buried his head in his hands.
"Come on then." He said gruffly, extending a hand towards Buckbeak. Immediately Buckbeak rose quickly and gave Sirius a nudge to the shoulder. Sirius layed a gentle hand on the Hippogriff and disapparated the two of them to a cliff about an hours walk from Hogsmeade. Swiftly he tethered Buckbeak to a rock and stood eye to eye with him.
"Behave please. They aren't bringing any ferrets, you can find some tonight." It was probably just his imagination, but Buckbeak bobbed his head up and down and tugged foundly on a strand of his hair. "Alright, alright. Love you too." He said without thinking. Buckbeak blinked twice in response. He turned into his animagus form and ran twice around Buckbeak, without thinking. The hippogriff should've stepped on him, or something. Instead he stood there, looking down on Sirius with his head tilted. Sirius barked and ran out of the cave, going down the mountain easily in his dog form. He stopped at the edge of a lane, near the end of Hogsmeade. In his dog form his emotions felt muffled. Yet an excitement was making his tail wag rapidly. He sat and stood impatiently, wishing they would hurry up so he could see Harry again. His thoughts turned fuzzy as he saw three figures approaching him.
"Hello Sirius." Harry said happily. Sirius sniffed at the bag Harry was holding. Somehow he contained himself from knocking Harry over with his excitement. He showed them the way back to the cave, not aware of the gasps and complaints as they trekked up the winding roads.
He slipped back inside the cave, and came back to his human form, heart pounding wildly. Buckbeak stood when Sirius returned, gazing at him curiously. Sirius shook his head. Not knowing what he was trying to say. Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed him inside. All of them were a little out of breath from the long walk. After bowing to Buckbeak, Harry turned to him eagerly, a small smile on his face.
The smell of chicken caught at Sirius's nose. "Chicken." His voice came out raspier than he had intended. Maybe it was because he only spoke to Buckbeak a couple times a day. Or maybe it was because his throat was thick with emotion.
It was a comforting thought that Harry worried about him. Really he didn't need to worry. He was doing great with Buckbeak. They were moving around a lot, to ensure they didn't get caught. And in their spare time they wrote letters to Harry, and stared at the sky. Well that was what Sirius did. Mostly Buckbeak just watched him do all of this and made impatient noises in his throat. Sirius had a feeling Buckbeak liked Sirius to be paying attention to him most of the time. Sirius didn't mind. Two beings wanted him around. Not everyone hated his guts. What a thought.
Sirius knew something was wrong with him. those years in Azkaban had fucked with his head. What kind of human wanted to be a dog instead? He did. He didn't like his human form anymore. He enjoyed the sensation of running free as an animal, he liked the fuzzy feeling that overcame his brain. When he was a dog he could curl up next to Buckbeak, even though he sometimes also did that as a human, and forget about everything that was going on. He didn't have to think that he was a horrible godfather, that it was his fault Lily and James were dead. He didn't even have that nagging little voice at the back of his brain. The voice which had become less nagging and more screaming. The voice that wondered what it would be like to just take a step off the cliff. To take a step off the cliff and plunge down into the abyss. For his head to hit something and for everything to stop. Maybe then he could finally see his best friend. The best friend that he had killed.
Buckbeak seemed to know Sirius thought things like this. He never left Sirius alone now. Always followed him around. Even when he promised he would be gone just a moment, Buckbeak came along, nosing along trying to find a ferret hidden in the earth. Sirius didn't mind. He liked the companionship. Buckbeak never judged him, he knew that much. They were friends, the two of them. They looked out for one another. Sirius made sure Buckbeak was fed and had someone to clip his feathers, and Buckbeak made Sirius feel at peace.
Some days Sirius felt so awful he couldn't move. And Buckbeak came over and would rest his great head on Sirius's leg and stare at him. There was this ocean wave that would wash over him and drain all of his energy. The thought of getting up seemed so impossible he merely opted to lay there instead. Because honestly what did it matter? Harry had other people who loved him. Who could care for him properly. Sirius wanted to give the kid a proper home so badly but who was he to take care of him? If not for Buckbeak Sirius didn't know what he would've done. He loved Harry more than life itself but he was a wreck. He wasn't an adult. He was still a kid trapped in this body. Hell most days he barely even felt human. Sirius was a drained shell of what had once been a person filled with light. And ugliness. As much as he would've liked to think that it was Azkaban that had really done it, he knew he had always been this way. Ever since he was a kid. His parents. The way they looked at him. The things they had done to him. Those nagging little thoughts had crept into his brain then, so of course they were still there now. It had never been this bad before. Azkaban had been terrible, yes. But he could escape. Into his animagus form. Yet now when he turned into that great black dog a gnawing sense of guilt would tickle his stomach. Why was he still turning into a dog when he had the freedom to be human? It didn't make any bloody sense. Sirius just wanted to be happy again. He wanted to forget everything bad that had ever happened and keep all the good memories tucked safely away.
Sirius and Buckbeak were staying not too far from Hogsmeade, and Sirius was eagerly awaiting Dumbledore's patronus about the outcome of the Triwizard Tournament. The sky began to darken, and Sirius felt his insides squirm with worry. Shouldn't the patronus have come by now? He began to pace around the area they had set up camp. Eventually the pounding of his heart became too much for him and he slipped into his animagus form. He allowed his senses to go fuzzy as he paced back and forth back and forth. The worry was still there, certainly. Yet his thoughts had stopped racing at that frantic speed.
Buckbeak cawed and Sirius stiffened, ready for a fight. A silvery phoenix came from the nearby trees, the soft voice of Albus Dumbledore said,
"I need you to come to Hogwarts, Sirius. You should be able to get in with your animagus form, leave the hippogriff. Quickly." The phoenix vanished as quickly as it appeared. Sirius panted, and sat on his haunches. He let out a small whine before returning to his human form, a frown etched onto his handsome features. He turned to Buckbeak, placing a gentle hand on the hippogriff's beak.
"I have to go. I'll be back soon, promise." Buckbeak blinked twice before resting his head on Sirius's shoulder, as he had done in the past. Sirius drew in a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around the hippogriff's head.
"I'm going to come back." He said softly. He wasn't sure if he was reassuring himself, or Buckbeak. After a moment he tethered Buckbeak to a tree, just to ensure that he was still there when he returned. Sirius and Buckbeak stared at each other for a prolonged moment before Sirius gave a wave, and ran in the other direction. No longer human.
Sirius didn't want to be with Hagrid. But of course Dumbledore didn't care about what he wanted. Of course Dumbledore could hardly be bothered to explain why he was sitting on Hagrid's front steps, staring up at the castle. Sure Fang was alright company, but he drooled. A shit ton. It was disgusting. For goodness sakes whenever Sirius was a dog and he didn't drool half that much! He lay his head down on his front paws. His thoughts never could stay in one lane when he was a dog. A few minutes prior, Dumbledore had merely sent Hagrid to tell him that he was to stay with him, in dog form mind you, until Dumbledore sent for him. Hagrid had eyed him warily when he said this. Sirius supposed Dumbledore had clued him on the whole ordeal, though Hagrid still seemed mistrustful. Which honestly, Sirius couldn't blame him for. The whole thing definitely was not in his favor. Fuck. There he went again. Sirius sat up, tilting his head to one side. Was that... Mcgonagall? The sight of his old teacher had excitement rattling his bones and he jumped to his feet eagerly. He ran in a circle around her, not able to contain the bark that escaped him. She shook her head at him. And grabbed this leash, a little roughly.
"Come on, to the castle." She said briskly, immediately beginning in that direction.
"Oi! Wait! Professor!" Hagrid ran outside of his house, eyes wide. "What's happened to Harry? Is he alright? And the kid-" Mcgonagall made a sound in the back of her throat before speaking.
"I can't say much now, Hagrid. Later, you'll know everything later." She gave him a quick nod before continuing in the other direction, Sirius at her side. Vaguely Sirius wondered what on earth they were talking about, but the forefront of his brain was focused on seeing Harry. In his dog form his emotions often got mixed and confused. Right now he was all excited and an uneasiness settled deep in his stomach
Sirius walked next to his old teacher. Unable to marvel at the strangeness of it all. With her brisk pace they quickly arrived at the castle and up one of the many staircases they travelled. Around them students were clinging to each other, many of them in tears.
"Did you hear what he said?"
"You heard him?"
"No, of course I didn't hear him. Sally told me about it."
"Oh, what did he say then?"
"You-know-who-"
"Go back to your common rooms!" Professor Mcgonagall snapped at the students still milling about in the corridor.
"Nice dog professor!" Someone called.
"Go on now." She said in a very tired sounding voice. Sirius's stomach tightened. Something was off. Mcgonagall never sounded like that. In all the years he had known her, she was never tired, never quiet sounding. Soon they were at the foot of the gargoyle staircase. The one that led directly to Dumbledore's office. Sirius sat and whined. He didn't like the feeling that was pooling into his chest.
Her eyes snapped to him abruptly and she frowned. She opened her mouth, then shut it firmly.
She jerked her chin towards the opening staircase.
"You first." She said softly. "The headmaster will be along shortly with Harry." After a beat. "Sirius."
Sirius jumped to his feet eagerly and circled around her, wanting her to at least give him a pat on the head.
"Oh, go!" She pressed her lips together although she did not look like she was fighting back a smile, rather that she was fighting back tears. Sirius resisted the urge to lay his head on her shoulder, just like Buckbeak so often did for him. He trotted up the spiral staircase and to the oak door. Mcgonagall came up behind him and pushed it open for him.
"I expect I'll be seeing more of you later." The corners of her eyes crinkled briefly before she shut the door behind her and left Sirius alone in Dumbledore's office.
Sirius was doing his his fucking best to keep it together, yet his heart was beating so fast he was sure he must be keeping everyone within a ten mile vicinity awake with the sound of it. He knew he didn't have any right to be feeling this way. If anyone should be feeling like this it should be Harry. But somehow he was the one over here having a panic attack. He was the one who couldn't keep it together. Even in his dog form, he was losing it. Completely. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just be able to function like a regular human being damnit, and be able to be there for his godson when he clearly needed him. While right now Harry was asleep he wouldn't always be. The poor kid had been through so much already...and now to add this on top of it all? He wanted, no needed, to be there for Harry. But he could hardly handle any of this. He wasn't equipped to deal with all this shit. Hell the very realization that Voldemort had come back had sent Sirius's mind reeling. Memories of Lily and James, Remus and Peter. Their dead bodies, Azkaban even. All of that was because of Voldemort. And now he was back and who knew how he was supposed to be stopped. Surely Dumbledore didn't believe Harry was going to be the one to defeat Voldemort? The kid was still well, a kid. A kid who had just been through an extremely traumatic ordeal and did not in any way shape or form need the fate of the wizarding world resting on his shoulders. Sirius stretched a bit and curled up closer to Harry. He was completely knocked out so he did not feel Sirius resting his head on his shoulder as gently as possible. Turns out Buckbeak had taught Sirius a few tricks on how to comfort people.
Sirius really did not like Dumbledore as much as he had originally thought. Truly, he had believed that the man was good all the way to the core. Though now he could clearly see that he was sorely mistaken. He had repeated at least ten times that he could stay here. He had even told the man about some of the things that had happened to him here. Memories that he tried never to think about he had given to this man just so that they could be thrown back in his face. After all, what did his "peace of mind" matter when the entire fate of the wizarding world was at stake. Sirius would've said that was true if he wasn't 100 percent certain that they could've easily found somewhere else to have Order meetings. But no. Dumbledore wanted to have them in Grimmauld place for no apparent reason. He wanted to have them in his childhood home that he obviously held so dearly to his heart all these years later.
Sirius had hardly brought himself to open the front door and drag himself inside. Buckbeak hadn't particularly wanted to come inside either, though after seeing the look on Sirius's face he had quickly joined him in the familiar hallway. It was fucking filthy inside. But Sirius certainly was not about to clean. The order could have the disgusting house for all he cared.
Sirius screwed his eyes shut and tried to inhale deeply. He ended up hacking on the dusty air instead.
"Let's go upstairs and find you a room Buckbeak." Sirius faltered. Something in his chest squeezed tighter and tighter and there wasn't any air-
Sirius fell to his knees and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. It was all going to be fine. He was going to be fine. He was just being bloody stupid. He couldn't even muster up the courage to go upstairs in his own fucking house. Pathetic piece of shit. Worthless you are, I hope I never see your smirking little-
"Sirius!" A familiar voice enveloped him as a gentle hand pressed to his back. "Hey it's okay. Breathe with me alright?" Remus took a long breath and exhaled through his mouth.
"In. And out. Come on." He did it several more times before Sirius was finally able to get a grip on himself. He felt a flush creep up the back of his neck, although he knew that he had absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed around Remus. After all this had happened more times than he could count.
"Thanks." He muttered gruffly, swiping quickly at his eyes. Remus nodded, glancing around the empty house.
"Did you just get here?" He asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood. Sirius sat up straighter and cracked his knuckles to give himself something to do.
"Yeah, with Buckbeak." He jerked his head to where the hippogriff was lying, staring at Sirius with his head resting upon his legs. He frowned suddenly and turned his gaze to Remus. "Wait, how did you get in here before me?"
"Oh." Remus turned a faint pink and looked down at his hands. "Dumbledore."
"Course." Bloody old man had no right to give other people access to his house. Just who did he think he was pulling something like that.
"You look angry." Remus observed, a frown creasing his forehead.
"Of course I'm angry! You know how much I hate it here! You know all the shit that went on in here, and now Dumbledore just expects me to live here and suck it up all because they can't find another place to have an order meeting?" Sirius fumed, shaking his head and turning his gaze to the ceiling, if only so he did not have to meet Remus's eyes as he said this.
"I...I don't know why he's doing this Sirius. Maybe if you-"
"I already did Remus! I kept asking him again and again to move it somewhere else but all he said was that it was most convenient to do it here!" Sirius fumed and fought down that same feeling of panic that was rising in his chest.
Remus opened and closed his mouth, looking uncertain. They were silent for a while, with Buckbeak's watching eyes on them.
"I don't know what to say. I wish I could do something, but he's not going to listen to me. Haven't heard from him in months actually." Remus said the last part with a bitter edge to his voice. Sirius pinched his eyebrows together.
"You haven't? Not even with everything going on?" He asked, confused now.
Remus shook his head and let loose a long breath. "No. No, I had to get bits and pieces from different people in the Order. It hasn't been the greatest few months of my life to be perfectly honest." His tone was much too casual for this whole situation.
"Oh." Now Sirius didn't know what he was supposed to say to that.
"We can't do anything about our situation right now Sirius. Let's just take everything one day at a time alright?" Remus nodded at him, gazing intently at the palms of his hands. Sirius made a small sound in the back of his throat before replying.
"Yeah. Yeah I can do that."
"Alright then." Remus said in a falsely bright tone. "I expect Molly will be here soon to start cooking."
Sirius didn't like this one bit. The house was always too loud now. The sounds of people laughing and talking sounded false to his ears. His brain continually screamed at him that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. That this wasn't what he deserved. Yet was exactly what he deserved at the same time. The entire Weasley family and Hermione had all taken residence in Grimmauld place for the summer. Plus Kreacher, always lurking in the shadows. But he didn't want to think about him. All the things that he represented.
"We'll be out of your hair by summer's end!" Molly had repeated to him on multiple occasions. He had just mumbled something and slipped back upstairs to Buckbeak. He didn't know what to say to any of these people. How to interact with them, how to talk to them. He didn't know what he should say, what he should keep quiet about. He found himself wanting to open his mouth and join in the bright conversations taking place in his own house, but not having any words to give them. He didn't have anything to say but had so much he desperately wanted to tell everyone. Sometimes he felt an unrecognizable anger rising up inside of him as he watched Molly and Arthur with their children. He knew he shouldn't feel this way. Something had to be wrong with him. This was what a normal family was supposed to look like after all. Normal families were supposed to love each other and be happy together.
It was all becoming too much for him. All the noise. The laughter. Everyone was a family and he was on the outside of it. Hell the Order was an entire family and he was merely the person who hosted the party. A host who wasn't really wanted there anyway. Fuck Snape was a better Order member than him. He never complained. He did exactly what Dumbledore asked, every single time. And here Sirius lay having a breakdown every night because he couldn't stand to be here. So he went to Buckbeak. Most nights, he went to Buckbeak.
"You know." Sirius turned his head and grinned at the hippogriff. "It's not so bad up here. Much quieter." Buckbeak blinked at him with an unamused stare.
"What?" Sirius felt annoyance rise inside of him, although he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like Buckbeak cared that he was up here.
Buckbeak turned away from him to go nose at the bag Sirius had brought with him.
"Oh yeah! I brought you something, I know you've been missing your ferrets so I asked Remus to bring me some when he had a chance." Sirius fumbled with the bag and tossed a dead ferret to Buckbeak. The hippogriff clicked it's beak and rose on its hind legs to catch the ferrets. Sirius shook his head and laughed.
"You're welcome."
Just then a rapid knock sounded on the door and Sirius stiffened.
"Sirius." It was Arthur. Sirius swallowed down the rising panic in his throat and swung open the door.
"What is it?"
"It's Harry." Arthur must have recognized the look of pure terror on his face because hastily he continued. "He's okay. He's at home with his Aunt and Uncle right now but he was just attacked by dementors. And he used accidental magic to fend them off. The Ministry is going nuts about the whole thing." Arthur muttered something under his breath and his gaze flickered briefly to Buckbeak.
"Dumbledore wants to see if the whole thing will blow over. But right now he's guessing that Harry might have to go to a trial later this summer."
Sirius felt his heart wrench. "A trial? Are you serious! After everything the kid has been through they can't let one instance of underage magic go under the radar?" Buckbeak stood suddenly, and placed his head on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius hadn't been paying head to the panic swirling and tightening in his gut, but Buckbeak's presence immediately steadied him.
"The Ministry is out to get him now Sirius. Fudge, you know the things he's been saying. Doesn't believe a word that Dumbledore has told him." Sirius had never seen Arthur look this way. His face was pale, but anger was etched into every line of his face.
Sirius clenched his hands into fists, feeling the anger pulse through every part of him. "I can't believe this." Abruptly it hit him that he didn't know what he should do.
"I-I-" Sirius took a deep breath. "Should I send Harry a message? To stay-"
"Yes. Please." Arthur interrupted him. "I already sent him one, and so did Dumbledore but I'm sure he'll be more inclined to listen to you than any of us."
"Me?" The entire situation was less than funny but Arthur let loose a laugh.
"Yes." He placed a hand on Sirius's other shoulder. "He's going to listen to you Sirius."
Sirius nodded hesitantly and went off to go write a letter.
Sirius lay in dog form at the top of the stairs, watching aimlessly as Molly packed up the Weasley's things to return to the Burrow. Remus wasn't here. Neither was Moody. And of course Snape was off teaching because school was just starting. Not that he wanted to see the bastard anyway. But he had been here much more than Sirius was comfortable with that was for sure. Although now he would certainly be seeing much less of him. He would actually be seeing much less of everyone. Except for Kreacher. And Buckbeak. Everyone promised to visit but he assumed they would all get busy living their lives. His life was now this house. And he loathed it. He hated the house, he hated his life, he wanted out. Out of the house. Sometimes late at night he wanted out of his life as well.
"I'm off! Are you sure you don't need anything? Sirius?" Molly called out. Sirius couldn't see her from his spot on the stairs, and he knew he should get up to go to her, yet he could not bring himself to move from his spot. The idea of moving seemed so foreign at the moment, tiredness seemed to have seeped inside of him and latched onto his insides.
"Sirius!" Molly called again. Sirius let out a soft whine and took a long slow blink.
"Why are you a dog again Sirius." Molly sighed, coming into view. She shook her head at him, the traces of a smile on the corners of her mouth. "Well I'll be back in a couple days. And I made Remus promise that he would stop by tonight. Remember, we're only an owl or firecall away." She pressed her lips together and grabbed the railing of the stairs. "Take care of yourself please, I'm going to check up on you." She gave him a small smile before exiting out the front door. Sirius heard a faint pop and he and Buckbeak were alone in the house once more.
Buckbeak could tell that Sirius didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. He started letting Buckbeak roam around the house. If only so that he did not have to stay cooped up in his room all day. Actually it was so he didn't have to be alone most of the time. He could've stayed up there in the room with Buckbeak. But he found he started to get claustrophobic in small places. The whole fucking house made him feel claustrophobic. Every second he felt like it was pressing in on him and damnit, he wanted out.
Remus and Buckbeak were the only two reasons he was still sane. Buckbeak was the ever comforting presence that said nothing yet said everything. And Remus, was well, Remus. He would sit there often with Sirius, even though he probably had many other things he should be doing, and he would talk about random unimportant things. It made Sirius feel better to have another human being to talk to. Remus was too kind, and too pure for this world. He knew that much. Sometimes he got to thinking and couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if things had been different. If Voldemort hadn't won the war. It felt like a knife to the gut to think about but somehow, he liked the idea of it anyway.
In December Sirius was awakened to a screaming portrait. He had gotten used to the screams of his mother by now, but this didn't sound like that. It was a deeper voice, and it wasn't screaming senseless nonsense. Sirius jolted out of bed, and Buckbeak rose to his feet from his spot on the floor. It was probably insane to sleep in the same room as a bloody hippogriff but Sirius certainly didn't care. Unsteadily, Sirius stumbled out of the room and down the hall.
"Who is it?" he called, rubbing at his eyes trying to rub the sleep from them.
"Phineas Nigellus. Now get over here young man Dumbledore has an important message for you." A jolt ran through Sirius and he ran down the hall, praying he didn't fall flat on his face in the process.
"What?" he asked the portrait, squinting in the darkness.
"Arthur Weasley has been attacked, his children and your godson are going to be arriving shortly." He said in an all too collected voice.
"Is-is he okay?" Sirius stammered, a tight clenching feeling began creeping in his stomach and up his throat.
"I don't know very well, I suggest you…" He sniffed disdainfully. "Tidy up a bit before they arrive." Sirius felt himself flush angrily despite the situation and touched his unshaven face. Come to think of it, he hadn't showered in a couple days either. He opened his mouth to retort but realized the portrait was empty now. He groaned and tugged at his hair. This was a complete disaster. He felt sick to his stomach. What if...No. He wasn't going to think about that. The only thing to do was to shower and make some tea.
Of course Sirius wasn't glad that Arthur had gotten bitten by some death snake. No he loathed the very idea that Arthur's life had even been in danger in the first place. Yet the sound of a house filled with noise and getting to see Harry every single day was something he didn't know he could give up. He hadn't realized how much he had missed the kid until he got to see him every day. Until he realized how Harry was just like him in so many ways. How both of them were clearly drowning and everyone around them was too busy to pay attention.
He couldn't be there for himself, but of course he was going to be there for Harry every damn day of his life.
Sirius had gotten so used to the quietness (save for Kreacher's insistent grumblings and his mother's screams), that he hadn't realized some noise was actually good for the soul. He had missed the sounds of the Weasley's constant screaming and laughing at one another. It felt nice to watch a family. Where once it had made him feel bitter now it filled him with a strange kind of joy to watch them. Perhaps the feeling was called hope. All the days by himself had certainly been filled with loads of thoughts. And in those thoughts he realized that perhaps things would not always be this way. That maybe one day the war really would be over and he and Harry could finally live together in the precise way a family was supposed to. He loved this kid so fucking much. And shite if it made him a selfish piece of trash but he adored the way that Harry so clearly looked up to him. He loved that Harry came to him for advice and wanted to talk to him for no reason other than that he was part of his family. He and Harry were family, because they were all they had left. He wasn't going to tell him that yet though. Maybe he could get his name cleared sooner rather than later and they could sell the place. Move somewhere nicer. Somewhere in the woods maybe. Or close to the Weasleys. They could live there, Harry could go to school, or not he didn't really care in the grand scheme of things.
But whatever, that day wasn't here yet so he could enjoy what he had right now.
Somehow, Sirius hadn't anticipated Harry's leaving to be this hard. He had assumed he could just resume what his life had once been not too long ago. The quiet. Then the screaming. The mindless days drinking coffee next to Buckbeak. He had been so foolish to think that he could return to that life without a second thought. Because he didn't want that anymore. He had wanted out then and he wanted out now. He wanted to go with Harry, he knew it was incredibly stupid, someone would recognize him certainly. And still that was what he wanted nonetheless. To be free of this place. To be free of the fear of going back to Azkaban. Free of the nightmares that still plagued him of the place. Everyone was gone. And he was here. As always. Sirius wondered if he would be doomed to stay here for the rest of his meaningless life.
Once again Buckbeak was the only one who dutifully stayed by his side, never leaving and ever present. Remus came and went, but now more than ever Dumbledore kept him busy. Remus never told Sirius exactly what he was doing and Sirius never asked. He figured Dumbledore had forbade Remus to tell anyone anything. Because that was simply the sort of thing Dumbledore liked to do. Buckbeak never spoke anything, but Sirius knew that he understood everything. A few months back he had gotten a letter from Hagrid, talking about how Buckbeak really was a smart Hippogriff, and should be treated as such. Sirius hadn't thought much about it, even though he was well aware that Buckbeak had an odd way of sensing the things around him. Now though, he found his thoughts wandering in that direction. After all, most days all he did was sit by Buckbeak and stare out the window. Buckbeak really did understand everything. Because clearly he knew that Sirius needed him to put his head on his shoulder now more than ever.
When the rain was pouring down and making a steady beat on the window panes, Remus appeared out of nowhere. Only select order members were allowed to apparate inside the house, and Remus was one of them. Sirius jumped from the couch, nearly tipping over a cup of coffee in the process. Remus had just come by two days ago, and it was unusual to see him again so soon.
"Er-hello?" Sirius said awkwardly, quickly straightening some pillows on the couch.
Remus blinked and shook his head a little. "Can I have a cuppa by any chance? It's been a long day, and I don't mean to bother you but…" Remus closed his eyes briefly and took in a sharp breath. "I just want to not think too much right now."
"Oh, yeah of course. I'll go put the kettle on. You can take your coat off if you want." Sirius flushed then. He wished he hadn't chosen this particular day to sit in the dark without the fire on. "And maybe you can start a fire." He tried to say lightly, pretending he wasn't terribly embarrassed.
"Sure, thank you." Remus responded quietly, shrugging off his coat and draping it over the couch. From his spot on the floor Buckbeak raised his head curiously, and perhaps Sirius was delirious but he could've sworn the hippogriff winked. Hastily he headed into the kitchen and took out the kettle. As he prepared the tea his thoughts wandered. Why was Remus here? Not that he minded, it was nice to know that he wasn't completely forgotten and Remus had been able to come and visit again. Recently it seemed most were forgetting that he was still here. Order meetings had been more spaced out, and his letters from Harry had slowly started trickling to once a month or so. Accidentally, he slammed the kettle on the burner and it let out a horrid screeching noise.
"Sorry!" He called, wincing.
"It's fine." Remus called back. "Do you need help?"
"No, it's almost ready if you want to come get a cup." Sirius replied, sucking in a shallow breath. Not quite sure why he was getting a warm feeling in his stomach all of a sudden. Remus walked quietly into the kitchen, and Sirius noticed that he had taken his shoes off to reveal fuzzy socks.
"Nice socks," he said without thinking. Remus raised his eyebrows.
"Thanks…" he trailed off, a small smile on the corners of his mouth.
The kettle began to whistle and both of them jumped.
"Oh, guess the water's ready." Sirius shrugged a little and grabbed a small saucer at the same time as Remus. The fingers brushed briefly and Sirius held in a shudder.
"I've got it." He said softly, smiling faintly now.
"Okay." The kitchen was quiet then, save for the sounds of clinking cups and spoons.
"Thanks for this. The tea and all." Remus spoke again after a comfortable silence and the two of them were sipping from their cups.
"Of course, you can come over any time, you know that." Sirius replied, and settled himself back down on the couch.
"Right, yes of course. It's just that I don't want to impose." Remus said awkwardly, his voice slightly stilted.
"Impose?" Sirius laughed, nearly snorting tea out of his nose. "On what exactly would you be imposing? Believe me, your company is always welcome. And Buckbeak likes you anyway." Sirius jerked his head towards where Buckbeak was watching them. The hippogriff's eyes were glittering as his head followed the movements of the two men.
"I'm sorry." Remus said suddenly, his voice sounding strained. Sirius's eyes immediately snapped to his.
"What for? You've made my day much better, believe me."
"No, no that you're stuck here. I know it must be hard and I wish I could be here more it's just…" He trailed off uncertainly, hands tightening around his cup of tea.
"You're busy. With things for the Order." Sirius swallowed and blinked a few times. "I understand, the least I can do is stay here and do whatever I can."
"But he shouldn't have asked you this in the first place, and I heard you a while ago telling Harry…" He sucked in a quick breath and Sirius wondered what he could possibly have heard him telling Harry that was so dramatic.
"That you were happy to do whatever you can, hosting the Order meetings and all that. And fuck, Sirius, I know you, and I know you can't possibly be happy being in this position. I've been trying to convince Dumbledore, but he just won't listen, won't return my letters-" Sirius cut him off with a hand on his cheek, not quite sure why he had suddenly felt the need to place it there. Remus broke off and his gaze fell on Sirius's face. He put down his cup of tea so he could place one hand on Sirus's thigh. Sirius felt that familiar heat rush through him and that warm feeling curled in his belly.
"Remus." He said, voice rough.
"I have to tell you-" Although what Remus had to tell Sirius he would never know. Because at that moment Harry popped into his fireplace and they had to have a conversation about something he wished more than anything that he could put behind him. One of the things that still kept him up at night. Of course that night he was too consumed with that reminder to ask Remus to tell him what he had been going to say. And by the time he remembered, he presumed that it was too late to do anything about it then.
Eventually the day came when Harry's life was in danger. And in Sirius's mind it was James and Lily dying all over again. And he was powerless to stop it. Stuck in this house with all of the memories, all of the portraits, and one hippogriff who was always by his side no matter what. Dumbledore told him to stay in the house no matter what, they would save Harry. But no. Sirius was done staying in this fucking house just because someone told him to.
After all was said and done the last moments of Sirius's life were filled with the best and worst things in his life. Before the light flooded out of his body he saw Harry, but also Bellatrix. The people he loved and hated the most were right there when he died. He died with a lot of regrets. He would've really liked to have kissed moony one time at least. And he would've really liked to give Harry the home he deserved. That was not what life had in store for him however. Sirius Black died on the 18th of June in the year 1996. Many mourned him, and yet those who mourned him forgot about the faithful hippogriff who had stayed steadfastly by his side. And when Sirius did not return on that fateful day, Buckbeak stayed there as the light turned to dark and the sun made to rise again. Hagrid had been good to him, but Sirius was his true companion. And even though he would never return to Buckbeak again, the hippogriff would never forget all those moments spent with his head on Sirius's shoulder.
A/N Drop me a review will you? I tried really hard to make this good aha.