It's been a long time coming for me to write a Vampire's Suck story seeing that I've written my fair share of Twilight. There already is Bellice (Bella/Alice) stories I think it's good to have some Becris? Biris? Irecca? Well Becca/Iris anyway. So here is a silly, sexy story making fun of Twilight, its parody movie Vampires Suck, and fanfiction in general including some of my own habits and tropes. Likely be a 4-5 chapter story and not very long. Just testing the waters with these two. So enjoy and please review!

Becca's POV

I couldn't believe I was back in Sporks. My mom wanted nothing to do with me after she met her beefcake boyfriend and was on the road a lot, so I had to stay with my dad, Frank. Sure I'm 18, practically a milf by today's standards but I could barely take care of myself. I didn't have much in common with Frank, I had a bad feeling he would grow tired of me too and I'd be living on the streets very soon; I'm sure I could find a way to make money pretty easy, I've been told I have what they call 'Good Blowjob lips'. I never had any job before but I'm pretty sure I could blow on just about anything people wanted.

Frank was Sporks' sheriff and someone I could look up to I guess, though the rusted old truck he gave me as a gift was a little odd at least I knew I had a getaway vehicle when I needed it; if it didn't break down first. The only person I knew my age was Jacob White and I would hardly see him because he goes to school on his reservation so it looked like I was doomed to my first day at Sporks High knowing no one and being a walking disaster.

"Nice whip!" One student said when I parked. When I shut the driver's side door the entire fender fell off. Dammit!

I nervously walked all slouched over with my book bag as people gawked at me. I bee-lined to the front entrance when someone threw an egg at my back. At my old school I blended in easily into the crowd but here a girl with little personality and dinner theater style acting at best really stuck out. All of the other girls seemed to be bright and beautiful while I dressed all plain, dark and brooding. I was bewildered when I was invited to sit at what appeared to be the cool kid table in the cafeteria. Jennifer and her boyfriend Rick welcomed me; well Jennifer threatened me with a switch blade if I came after Rick but he didn't seem all that interested anyway.

"Nice tits," said Jennifer smugly, looking down at my chest.

"Thanks," I smiled awkwardly, "I got them from my mom."

I noticed a group that looked like they all just walked off a GQ magazine shoot, they all looked great and oddly pale. They walked in a line to their table that was perfectly centered at the other end of the room. A very large guy that must've been a football player, a blonde girl that kept giving me this look like she wanted to kill me for some reason, a guy that looked like he was constipated and a free spirited girl clearly by the way she moved her arms carelessly as she walked almost like she wanted to dance.

"Wow are those kids OK? They all look sick or something."

Jennifer frowned at me like I said something stupid; probably, sometimes it's hard for me to tell. "Those are the Sullens. The big one is Alex and that's his girlfriend slash adoptive sister Rosalyn and that one that looks like he wants to fart is Jeremiah and that weird pixie girl is his girlfriend slash adoptive sister, Iris."

"Wait adopted?"

"Yeah their father is Doctor Carlton. He's a super rich doctor. He takes in kids."

"Wow so he adopts kids and they end up dating each other?" I thought this over with a blank stare while Jennifer smiled and nodded, "That's so...HOT!"

"I know, right?"

Alex had Rosalyn in his arms kissing her while she tried climbing him like a jungle gym; she kept glaring over at me so I tried hiding behind my hair. I couldn't get over how Iris was actively trying to avoid kissing Jeremiah, he kept trying to kiss her but she politely kept him an arm length away and shook his hand instead. She was very beautiful and certainly dressed very preppy but she was kind of curvy, she certainly filled out those white denim jeans of hers.

Jennifer caught me staring at Iris, there might have been a trail of drool coming from my mouth and hitting the table. She leaned over and said, "She is the biggest tease. She's also super annoying I swear she tries to get in every guy's pants. OH LOOK WHO IT IS!" I wiped my mouth and turned to see what she was going all gaga about.

This guy strutted down the cafeteria, he was somehow paler than the others. Golden eyes just like them but he had big hair all gelled up.

"Who is that?"

"Edward Sullen. Total hottie! Don't even think you have a chance!"

"Um, OK."

"But you totally want him, right?"

"Uh..."

"This isn't going to be one of those love stories you totally see coming is it? It's not like you're pining over Iris Sullen, right?"

"Uh..."

"Good I thought maybe you were a total rug muncher."

I really didn't like her talking to me like that plus dissing someone for being gay (which I so clearly am not) is so 80's.

"Becca are you looking at Iris' ass?"

Shit! Iris had bent over to pick up a quarter or something. I looked back at Edward. Yeah dreamboat, now I was getting it. I'm a teenage girl. I'm full of raging hormones. Boys. You like boys. This is a small, northwestern town that probably isn't the most open minded. Yeah smooth pale skin. Golden eyes. Spiky hair. Shit! No you're looking at Iris again!

"Breathtaking isn't he?"

I exhaled and forced myself to swoon, "Yeah..."

"He's gotta have a big dick, am I right?" she nudged my boob as I watched him apply makeup to himself at his siblings' table.

"Er, right."

"You a big dick girl, Becca?"

"Er..."

"Becca likes big dicks?" Rick butted in, clueless to the conversation.

I bit my lip and shrugged, that's when I locked eyes with Iris. Something very playful and calm behind those eyes.

Iris' POV

"Iris are you coming or what?" Edward yelled.

"In a minute!" I called as I struggled with yet another new pair of pants. I was practically doing yoga trying to squeeze my butt in them; like trying to suck a marble through a garden hose. Am I right, ladies? The pants got away from me, springing off of me and landing in a pile of other pants I tried on that morning. Well at least my white denim ones had spandex. Today was going to be a great day. I knew because of my power to see into the future. Weird I know.

When I jumped in the backseat I got looks from everyone in the car. I love all of my adoptive siblings but they can be a little worrying; I think I'm the black sheep or something like nobody trusts me.

"Are you sure you have everything?"

"Uh yes."

Rosalyn looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Iris did you have a vision about going to school topless today?"

"What?" I said, frustrated by the question, "No."

Everyone looked down at my chest. HOLY SHIT! I hid my well endowed pale chest with my hands. Dang it! That's like the fourth time this has happened! Jeremiah, my boyfriend/adoptive brother kept staring. Rosalyn laughed as her bf/brother, Alex opened my door for me and I ran back into the house. I could hear Edward complain about being late again. I'm a screw up what can I say? I said I had visions well most of the time they aren't what happens and they almost never come in handy when I really need them.

My adoptive mother, Eden was waiting for me with a shirt in the kitchen. "I knew you wouldn't get too far," she said with an understanding smile. Eden was always there for me even when no one else was. She was a beautiful and caring woman and always knew just what to say.

"Your butt is looking quite big today, Iris."

"Thanks," I said, slipping into my top, "It always depends on who writes me."

She gave me a weird look and then looked off to the side like she was looking for someone to explain what that meant; honestly I didn't know what it meant either, I think I just like saying words some times.

"Is she going to be there today?" she asked in her typical motherly tone while holding my hands.

"Yes," I said all giddy, "I wonder if she'll be as beautiful as she looked in my dreams!"

She chuckled, knowing how excited I'd been the past few months about this mystery future girl. "I know Edward is going to just love her."

It felt like she had just staked me in the heart, "...Right...," I said, "Edward..."

"You two are going to be such great friends."

"Yes. Great friends."

"Great friends and nothing more."

"Er, yeah."

Boy that was a weird thing to say. Edward honked, hand clearly left on the horn to get me moving. I told Edward about Becca a year ago. This fabulous girl that had trouble smiling and walking. He thought I was nuts of course, no girl that perfect could exist. Plus he was well aware of my visions so how was this any different? I could see them talking together, him showing her his dark secret and then introducing us. My visions would change but one thing was for certain I would be Becca's closest friend. We gossiped, we had a sleepover, we had a pillow fight we...played naked twister? Huh? That was a new one. Weird. But like I said my visions weren't always 100% accurate it was like the universe was having a laugh with me.

Once we got to the school I tried coaching Edward on how to make an entrance; he totally ignored me. He never acted excited about anything even if he really was to meet his one true love. Well if he wasn't going to work on making an entrance then I was. When we all walked into the cafeteria I did my best ballerina walk; I was very light on my feet.

There she was. I could feel my heart beating like a hummingbird; something that shouldn't happen because well I'm technically not even alive. But wow she was even better than in my visions. Those big brown doe like a scared doe and milky skin and perfect long brown hair I pictured blowing in the wind. Roslyn splashed cold water in my face. I tried not to stare too much at her after that; didn't want to embarrass Edward.

Alex and Rosalyn got the sudden urge to make out in front of everyone. It happens. Jeremiah had that feeling all the time but well...I wasn't really ready for that. I really only liked him as a friend and brother but Eden and Carlton insisted everyone be paired up. Part of the vampire religion I guess.

Edward finally made his entrance and it looked like Becca was swoon. Totally taking the bait. So awesome. I could've sworn she was staring at me at some point but no way when she had a nice piece of man meat dangling in front of her.

I noticed something on the cafeteria floor when Jeremiah tried to kiss me for the 30th time.

"Ooh! Shiny!" I tried reaching but it was too far, I had to get up and walk over to it. I bent over when Roslyn cursed at me. Oh no, did I rip? Did my pants split in two? Wouldn't be the first, heck it wouldn't be the fifth.

"Hey, that bitch is looking right at you!"

I looked between my legs to see Becca in an upside down world. She looked so stunning. She was smitten. I could almost see animated hearts floating around her. When I sat down she was gone. Edward was at our table, not even making an effort to speak with his future bride. If it were me let's just say things would get a little more than PG...PG-13 tops. Well you can't win them all. But I was sure these two would get together soon.

More silliness to come!