Chapter 3: The Best Deceptions (Dashboard Confessional)

Much like earlier in the night, Quinn helped me change into my pajamas while Brittany made us popcorn and hot chocolate.

She had wanted to be the one to help me, but I told her that being naked with her would only make me want to have sex and I was so not in the mood for that.

"I'm worried." Q said as she wiped my makeup off.

I was still crying, still pathetic but she just ignored the tears and kept wiping like this was any other day.

"Me too."

"There's no way she won't have questions."

"I know."

"Will you tell her everything?"

"As much as I can...when the time is right."

"What if she asks tonight?"

"Then I'll tell her tonight, at least I'll have some liquid courage if she does."

"Had you told her about us...she didn't really have much of a reaction."

"She'd always assumed we had been fucking for years, Q, I think we just answered a question she'd never bothered to ask."

"It was just the once though."

"Let her think what she wants, that was us just being curious."

"If you say so, San."

"Do you want me to tell her it was more so that she gets jealous of our alone time?" I raised an eyebrow and she just nodded.

"Fair point. It was just the once time, if she asks."

"Deal."

Only she never asked, in fact she insisted that we watch a movie and then promptly fell asleep sandwiched between me and Q.

Just like old times.

Sleep didn't find me though, I tried for a long time before leaving the two of them passed out in my bed.

The house was quiet as I crept down to the kitchen and pulled Papi's favorite Scotch from the fridge, if I was going to sleep tonight, I wanted to black out and forget the whole day.

Good and bad.

It took just one tumbler for me to feel like the world was spinning, so I crawled back up the steps and surrendered to the blackness.

As the sun beat down on my face, a rush of sadness overwhelmed me first and then the guilt just knowing that Britt would have questions and that I wouldn't be able to lie to her face, especially not sober.

There's so much that I have tried to forget about my past and it escapes sometimes, little tidbits that she doesn't really question but after last night there's no way she ignores this.

My stomach turned, and my skin felt clammy as I climbed out of the bed, I had to run to the bathroom to avoid messing up my carpet. I hunched over the toilet vomiting until my stomach was empty and then rested my head on the porcelain and began to cry.

I didn't hear the knocking or the pleading from the other side of the door or the lock being picked.

Instead all I kept hearing was Marco's moans from the night before as I was on my knees in front of him. I could feel his fingers gripping my hair and then the look in his eye as he threatened me that we'd do it again. As if I had no choice this time around either. The taste of him seemed to linger in my mouth and then I was dry heaving, trying my hardest to purge the feelings of shame and bitterness that filled me, but it was no use.

I felt B's hand rubbing my back and pulling my hair into a messy bun and while I didn't deserve to be touched by her, I allowed it.

"Q is going to clean you up, I know you don't like me seeing you not sexy. I'm going to make you some toast." I groaned just thinking about it. "or milk?"

"God no..." I pleaded, thinking of another creamy substance.

I dry heaved again and Quinn mumbled something before I heard Britt leave.

"You're going to have to deal with toast, San, otherwise the aspirin will tear up your stomach, okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes, trying like hell not to cry again.

We sat on the bathroom floor and she tried her best to calm me down.

"It's going to be ok San, maybe we can get a restraining order or something? No way your parents let this get out of hand again." she said soothingly.

"I wouldn't put it past them. I can't get a restraining order on him; how can I even begin to explain that to Britt?" I mumbled never raising my eyes from my lap.

Q sighed and said exactly what I didn't want to hear.

"How about you just tell Britt the truth?"

I stared blankly back at her, not knowing how to respond.

"You make it sound so easy, Q.

"Because it can be. She should know anyway, don't you think?"

"I don't know if I can do it?"

"Just tell her the truth...she deserves to know."

Of course, that was when Britt entered half smiling with a plate in her hand.

"Tell me the truth about what?" Brittany said as she smiled delicately at me.

I didn't deserve that either, but it would probably be the last smile that she gave to me for a while, so I smiled softly back at her.

I looked up into her eyes and I didn't even stutter.

"Um…the truth about my history with Marco and why everything is going to change now and probably not for the better." I said before turning my face back down towards my lap.

I knew that lying wouldn't work so I had settled for the truth.

Quinn stood up and tried to excuse herself, but Britt stopped her.

"No, you obviously know something I don't know Quinn and I don't like that, new plan, we are all going to go out to breakfast since I burnt the toast and between the two of you I am going to get the whole truth! It shouldn't take a drinking game for me to know what you two have been up to...right?" Britt looked serious and slightly pissed off and then just as quickly she smiled, "Are we clear ladies?"

Both Quinn and I just nodded our assent, neither one of us willing to turn down B.

Britt did a happy little jig and walked away, yelling over her shoulder.

"Well? Get moving!" she sang.

Immediately we snapped out of our daze, jumped up scrambling to get ready before Britt got angry again.

After separate showers we did in fact manage to leave the house before 10. I texted Mami to let her know where I would be and then we piled into Britt's pick-up truck and set out.

I had on my sunglasses, trying to focus as we pulled out onto the road.

"Where to B?" I asked as I drove towards town.

"How about West Lima? I haven't been in forever, there's a great diner over there where everything is a lime."

Nausea swam in my belly and I tried not to cry.

One glance in the rear-view at Quinn's face and I knew that she knew that for me this was returning to the scene of my indiscretion to spill out sins.

It was a little too ironic for my liking.

My nausea increased up the nearer we got to Marco's neighborhood but there was nothing left for me to throw up.

This all just sucked so much.

Ugh...bad choice of words!

We sat quietly as Britt sang along to the radio and tried her best to get us to sing along.

When we didn't join in she got quiet and crossed her arms in frustration.

I kept my eyes on the road and tried to figure out how I was going to get through this breakfast in one piece.

We got to the We Lime Bistro without incident and we slid into a horseshoe shaped lime wedge booth in the back of the nearly empty restaurant.

I felt trapped as I sat between the two blondes.

One blonde, with every answer to every question Britt could possibly ask and the other who was bound to leave with a broken heart.

I should have just forced them to talk while I curled up in a ball and pretended to disappear.

My fingers itched as I drummed them on my lap.

An old habit that hadn't died no matter how much they tried.

We ordered our food and then Britt sat stone faced and nodded towards us.

"Well who wants to start?" she smiled sweetly as we both froze.

She sighed clearly annoyed with us both.

"Fine, since there are no volunteers, I will choose then. How about we start with you Quinnie? Rachel huh?" she chuckled.

Quinn looked at me and swallowed hard.

I flashed a comforting, supportive smile and nodded.

"Rachel and I have been sleeping together on and off since New York. We uh... haven't labeled it or anything it's just kind of a stress release when my mom is passed out drunk and my dad...uh Russell isn't taking shots at me. It started when she had begged me to keep San from killing her after the whole kiss thing with Finn. We have grown close and she was uh...she was there for me since Beth was born and we uh um yea didn't tell anyone not even San until last night."

I nodded in agreement not needing any more things to add to the list of secrets I was keeping.

Britt smiled and reached across the table and rubbed Quinn's hand.

"I am so happy that you figured it out Quinnie. That's so awesome! No more pink hair, then right? Cuz you looked like cotton candy."

Q smiled and shrugged, her rebellious pink hair had been something that added to her hotness instead of taking away from it. I may have been the only one who liked it.

We all laughed as our food came out.

As we began to eat I started to think it wouldn't be so bad after all and then Britt turned to me and kissed my cheek making me blush.

This could be okay...right?

Maybe she was over it?

Quinn looked pleased with herself.

Maybe this was no big deal.

Wrong!

Of course, Britt was like a dog with a bone and wasn't giving in so easily.

"Ok, Santana, now that the easy stuff is out of the way how about you tell me that truth that you and Quinn were talking about. Oh, and why don't you start with um, who's Marco?"

I sat stalk still and shot Quinn a look because I was waiting for that comfort she was supposed to provide but she just sat there picking at her food avoiding eye contact with me and so now I was pissed off.

So, I did what any 18-year-old woman would do, I kicked her under the table and stole a piece of her bacon for good measure.

She yelped and growled at me and I snickered as I bit into her food. We were leering openly at each other and that earned me a slap on my bare thigh from Britt that shocked me in more ways than one.

"Don't get mad at Q. This is not her story to tell. She doesn't have any other secrets. So now you go ahead."

"Fine. But first how about you tell me why the hell you were in New York instead of shopping with me on my birthday?" I snapped at her.

She frowned at me.

She knew I was deflecting but she shrugged and smiled.

"No problem! I got a call from the dance director at Juilliard and she offered me an audition but told me there was only a 24-hour window. So, my dad rushed me onto a plane and we went straight there. So there goes it. Your move San and no more stalling."

She wagged her finger at me.

I sighed and pouted but Britt was beginning to glare at me.

"Ugh fuck... okay! Marco is my first everything, I mean like, sexually. He is my father's godson. He uh got me um pregnant when I was 13, against my will and since I thought it was my fault, we started dating. I um when I finally told my dad everything I was already three months along, he got drunk and then beat me until I had a miscarriage. Marco blames me and kind of has been holding it over my head for years. He was abusive and controlling, you saw a little of that last night. He went overboard in front of the wrong people at my 15th birthday and was essentially banished by my parents. We lost touch and my father, and I have barely spoken in years without a buffer. Everyone agreed to just let that part of my past die and it was working until yesterday. Marco is a lawyer now since I last checked anyway. He had moved away from Lima, he lives in New York. I have tried to move past it and I thought that I did but then he called me yesterday and I fucking panicked! You were in New York and I had just finished dragging Quinn around the mall and she was busy, probably with Berry, so I went off on my own got drunk and went to his house to confront him. I wanted him to disappear. I'm so sorry B but before I uh knew it I was um on my knees literally trying to convince him not to show up last night."

I was numb as I looked into Brittany's watery blue eyes.

She looked over at Quinn and then back at me with a look of confusion.

"A baby? So that's why we stopped talking to Quinn when she got pregnant? Wait...why are you apologizing? What did you do San? I don't understand?"

I looked at her and plainly said it.

"I gave him a blow job last night hoping he'd change his mind and not show up, but he came to the party anyway. B, I am so sorry, I'm sick about it!" I said, shoving my plate away.

I felt nauseous as I watched Britt break down over her pancakes.

Tears poured down her red face as she clutched her silverware.

"You said he was nobody."

"He is nobody."

"No...that's not true. Did you sleep with him too?"

"No...it was only a blow job."

"Only..." She let out a harsh laugh and I felt so cold as she flipped from sadness to rage to calm and back again.

I'd never seen her like this.

It was terrifying.

Quinn rubbed my arm as I shivered but that only angered Britt more.

"Why the fuck are you comforting Santana, Quinn? How much of this did you know exactly?"

She wiped away her tears as she stared down Quinn.

Q pulled away from me and didn't back down.

"I knew all of it Britt. I was there to pick up the pieces when San was bleeding on my bathroom floor miscarrying and I cleaned San up last night after, well, that and I defended you too! You should know that, I was on your side."

"Do you want a prize for sticking up for me?"

"Well no, I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to fuck you over."

"It doesn't help, you still suck at being a friend."

"Britt, come on, you're my best friend."

"I'm good not being that anymore."

Quinn tried to smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

Britt stood up from the table and looked down at us.

"I think I need some space from the two of you. Enjoy your breakfast."

"Britt, baby don't go."

"You don't get to talk to me right now, Santana."

"After I told you that I was raped as child, you gloss over that and focus on a blow job? Wow. I can't believe that a blow job, something you have given half the school is a big deal right now. Tell me you're not serious?"

"Dead serious."

"Fine, have it your way."

Brittany looked at me for a long moment as she put money on the table and then turned and walked out the door.

She left us sitting there, me numb and Quinn crying and defeated.

I shrugged away all my terror and sadness, I couldn't break here...so I sucked it up and pushed it down like I had learned to do and swiped another piece of bacon. Quinn didn't protest as I drank her orange juice and tried to swallow back the bitter taste in my throat.

When I finally looked up at Q, I could see that her walls had come down.

She wasn't eating, wasn't crying...just frozen.

After a year like she just had I know that losing a friend even if for just a little while hurt like a bitch.

I tried to make light of the situation with a big smile and a nudge.

"Stop." She hissed. "This isn't a joke."

"You don't think I know that?"

"Then why are you acting like none of that shit just happened, Santana?"

"Because, Q, this isn't the time or place, you and I both know that."

"So, what do we do then? Ignore what just happened?"

Finally, I just stated the obvious.

"Well Fabray, that seems to be the only choice, she left way too much money, so we might as well eat up, as you may recall, I drove Brittany's truck here and it's a long walk home."

"Fuck."

"Exactly."