Chapter 6: Clarity (John Mayer)

It took just two days in New York for me to end up in the hospital.

Marco had knocked the phone out of my hand and then slapped me so hard that I cracked my head against the bed post.

Everything had gone black for a moment and then he had me on my feet leaning against him, while he grumbled into the phone.

"I need your help Nico, no excuses. Yes, I know...I'll be more careful, okay, okay, okay...see you in a few."

"whashhsgongon?" I asked, and he kept lightly slapping my face.

"Stay with me, you hit your head on the bed, my friend is coming to check on you. A surgeon, top notch."

"Sorrysorrysorry." I mumbled.

"Shhh...just keep your eyes open, okay querida?"

"Mmmhhmmm."

And then I passed out again.

When I woke up it was on a cold table with a machine whirring around my head.

And I screamed.

Then a voice, a kind voice, such a sweet lady voice said over the intercom.

"Just be still honey, it's almost over. Can you do that?"

"Yes." I croaked.

"Good girl."

Something about the way that she said that made my stomach turn but I just stayed still just like she asked.

I could do that.

Just think of Brittany and all will be fine.

I had a mild concussion but that sweet voice had seen the other bruises and told Marco she wanted to keep me for observation.

This was my chance to escape but I was way too scared already to run.

All I wanted was to talk to my girls and let them know that I was okay.

"Listen, I know your dad and I respect him as a professor and doctor. I couldn't live with myself if I let you leave and he kills you."

"He won't. Fuck, I sound like every other victim, don't I?"

"You do...how long have you been with him?"

"Two days."

"If this is after two days, honey, I'm beyond concerned for your safety."

"I'm 18, I know you can't call my father if I ask you not to and I'm asking you not to say a word, please just let me stay here tonight. I just need rest."

"Let's make a deal, if you end up back here you'll let me call someone."

"Deal."

"Great, I'm going to tell him that you need rest and that he can't stay."

"Thank you."

"Just keep your word...be safe and if that's not an option, you call me got it?"

"Got it."

"Good girl." She said sweetly and left me there with a pudding cup.

Marco came in looking concerned and annoyed.

"They told me I can't stay."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, staring into my pudding cup and not paying attention.

"It's fine, it's not like I won't get to see you tomorrow, right?" He actually sounded scared.

"I'll be here." I said, my voice sounding spacey.

"Get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning."

For that moment, when he pressed his lips to my head, I felt loved.

And that's how Stockholm syndrome works.

I was a classic case, even with time away from him all the programming he had done when I was younger still had me caring about him.

About us and I hated myself for it.

So, fucking much.

Time had no meaning as I dialed the one number that I could never forget.

With the lights, off and the curtains drawn, I could see the lights of the city and even though they made my head ache, I couldn't stop staring.

"Hello?" Quinn muttered.

"Q, hey."

"Oh my God, San, where are you?"

"Hospital."

"That little bitch." She hissed. "Are you okay?"

"Concussion, not as bad as Nationals but stings."

"I bet, so it's just mild then?"

"Yes, but I get to stay here tonight."

"Is he there?"

"No silly, nice lady told him he can't stay."

"Good, angels all around. That makes me feel a little better. Britt was here earlier as you heard."

"Is she gone?"

"No, she's in my bed sleeping, I'm outside having a smoke with Judy."

I let out a cackle.

"No way."

"She was talking me down from calling the cops, she's been in your spot and said I can't make that decision for you, but you know I want to."

"I'm sorry, I...I'm so sorry, Q. I can't leave."

She sighed and then began to breathe differently.

I could tell she was crying.

And then Judy was talking.

"Hi love muffin, what are you doing in the hospital?" Judy asked, sweet as pie.

"Bumped my head."

"Yeah, I heard that. Listen to me okay...are you listening?"

I could hear Quinn's muffled cries, but I was focused on Judy.

"Yes."

"You don't stop fighting even in those little ways, you find little escapes, ways to avoid his wrath. I can't believe I'm saying this but there will be moments when it seems playful and he gets you comfortable, don't believe it. Use this fear he probably has, be up front...sometimes you have to make a deal with the devil to get him to let you walk through hell."

Even to my addled brain, I understood. Marco knew how to bargain, he'd taught me, and I had been letting him make me putty instead I needed to be modeling clay. Something tougher.

"Thank you."

"Be well, be smart and don't stop praying."

"Okay."

"We love you so much, you come back to us in one piece. Promise?"

"I promise."

"You still there?" Q asked, her voice sounding more even.

"Mmmhmm...stay?"

"Okay, did you want me to wake her up?"

"No, it's fine. Let her sleep. Just tell her something sappy for me, k?"

"Yeah, you got it."

"Sing to me?"

"Okay."

I closed my eyes as Quinn began to sing softly to me.

I drifted off to the sound of her voice and for the first time in days, I didn't have fear of what was to come.

Frankly, I was just hoping not to wake up at all.

Calling Quinn had been the right move because after the song, I could hear her praying out loud for me.

It felt like I was floating as her words became a murmur before everything faded away.

The drugs were making the fall feel padded.

Thank God for them.

So many promises had been made.

I had to keep them...but my head was full and empty.

Heavy and light.

Dark and um...twinging.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you." She kept saying and I knew that it was true because she had washed jizz out of my hair.

I laughed as I finally gave into my dreams.

My hand closing around hers in the dream world.

"I love you too." I whispered and then it went black.

I wrote down the doctor's number on a slip of paper and tucked it in my bra before Marco came to pick me up.

When he got there, I was staring out the window of my room taking in the city where I was born.

"It's beautiful today, it's about time I take you to see the city. How does that sound?"

I turned to him and there was no malice or sneakiness to him, just genuine concern.

Now was my chance.

"Can we be real for a minute? No games...just person to person?" I asked him, and he raised an eyebrow.

"I guess so, what's up?"

"You got me, your plan worked, I've got your ring on my finger and down the line I'll probably find a way to get it off...maybe I'll fall for you and it will stay. Right now, though, I need you to know that I can't live like that scared kid anymore. I want to be something, Marco...I want to change the world. I don't know what you are wrapped up in but just for a minute, think of me as a person. Let me breathe, let me feel like somebody, even a little. I have seen you be playful and I've seen you love...I won't make it two months...or two more days like we've been. Either you will kill me, or I will, I swear on that baby we lost...on your mother...on mine...I can't end up in the hospital again. Please?"

I watched tears fill his eyes for just a moment and then he wiped them away, sniffed and nodded.

"Not everything can change but hitting you like I did last night...can't happen again. You still need correction, but I can't be reckless. You deserve to be treated like an adult and I want to treat you like one, I will do better if you will."

"What does that even mean?"

"I like you pliable, I like you respectful in front my colleagues and company. I want you to be my little Princesa, but I get that I need to treat you that way. So, I will. If you can be who I need you to be, I'll be better to you."

"And if I'm not?"

"Even then, I will think twice about hitting you in the face like some man on the street."

"Thank you."

It was a devil of a deal, but I was convinced that I could swing it...at least for the next seven weeks.

He just needed to hold up his end.

The next week was like a fairy tale New York City.

We saw the sites, we had hot dogs and pizza and even saw a show on Broadway.

It felt like the kind of trip that my parents would expect for me but a part of me knew that he was just helping me through the concussion.

Pacifying me until the next part of his plan came into play.

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And seven days to moment of our agreement, he got that look in his eyes as he rubbed my feet while we watched Bachelor in Paradise.

"What is it?" I asked, as nicely as I could.

"It's been a good week, hasn't it?"

"Yes...and I've been a good girl, haven't I?"

"You have and that's why it's time for me let you be the woman of the house."

"What do you mean?"

"I have the dean of admissions for Columbia coming by Monday night for dinner. You can use this as your alumni interview."

"No way?!"

"Way." He said with a grin, that twinkle though was still in his eyes.

"What else?"

"That's it, make dinner, get dressed up...be the picture-perfect housewife."

I wanted to question him, but he was doing a nice thing in his own way, but it seemed too good to be true.

With that in mind, I smiled at him and played along.

"Thank you, Daddy-o. Does he have a favorite meal?"

"Make whatever you make best."

"Can do."

I was cool as a cucumber as I finished up dinner and left it warming on the stove. I'd spent the day cleaning the apartment from top to bottom, washing clothes and scrubbing soap scum. I wanted this place to sparkle. Anything to keep Marco happy.

And now I was sitting at the piano caressing the keys softly as I nursed a glass of wine.

It had been so long since I had played, and Marco had made it clear that it was just a decoration.

So not once had I let him even catch me sitting in front of it, that wouldn't start now either.

A timer clicked on the stove, reminding me to put things back in order before he got home.

I had set it for thirty minutes before he was scheduled to arrive since he liked to show up and catch me doing whatever it was he thought I could possibly be doing in this bird cage.

Quickly, I pushed the bench back to where it had been and made sure there were no traces of me anywhere near it.

I fluffed out my new cocktail dress that Marco had brought home for me, it hugged my waist and then bunched around my waist before falling in a swish past my hips. It was a dress made for dancing and he had promised that if I was good, we'd do just that.

But he'd had that look when he said it, so I just smiled and thanked him, calling him Daddy-o and watching him blush.

It was playful, and he liked it and since it was less creepy, I didn't mind it either.

Tonight though, was about me, not him and I was more than ready to network my way into the school of my dreams.

My food was bomb, I looked gorgeous but modest, just how Marco liked me so tonight should be a breeze.

Hopefully.

When I heard the key in the lock, I had just finished rinsing out my wine glass, I quickly refilled it and rushed to the door to greet Marco, hoping to stay on his good side tonight.

My bruises had all recently faded away and I was trying my best to not have any more of them.

Our tentative agreement had worked for us so far and that was what mattered, underneath it all I just wanted to return to Britt in one solid piece and that could only happen if I just did what Marco asked of me. No more, no less.

He took a drink of the wine and then placed it on top of the piano.

I didn't dare look over at it while he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his chest.

"You look amazing and it smells great in here. You will make an amazing wife soon enough!"

"Thank you, Daddy-o."

"Mmm...I'm going to freshen up, Mr. Evans should be here shortly."

I couldn't disguise my reaction, as I felt my body stiffen at the mention of who our dinner guest would be and even though I tried to play it off, nothing gets past Marco.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that Mr. Evans is the dean of admissions to the law program? It must have slipped my mind!"

He looked down at me smiled, I forced a smile and then kissed him again.

I wasn't going to let him bait me.

"Oh, then I know that he already loves me! Wait until he tastes my rice and chicken!"

I smirked and turned away to head back to the kitchen, but I hadn't gotten two steps before Marco grabbed a hold of my wrist squeezing gently.

"That better be the only thing you let him taste."

He grumbled before meeting my lips roughly with his own.

"He's ancient, Marco, of course , I'm yours. That's the deal."

"Good girl."

I laughed and walked away.

We were on the edge of something that unnerved me, but I just had to stay cool.

He was itching to rile me up, I knew it was coming but it was how I reacted that would mean my success tonight.

I had to keep my cool and remember what he asked. Every urge to rebel needed to be silenced by me and not him.

Baiting him back just a little may have been an overstep but he seemed pleased.

Maybe before the concussion, I would have tried to fuck with him now I was doing my best to stick to the boundaries we had set.

I just needed to keep the peace and not let him push me just for his own amusement.

When the doorman called up that our guest had arrived I knew better than to greet him on my own.

I had a feeling me being alone in a room with any man was not something Marco would like.

So, I peeked into the room and caught him fixing his tie.

"He's here, is it okay to let him in? I love the tie by the way." He smiled softly at me and then looked back at the mirror.

"You can let him in."

"Ana?" He called before I was fully in the hallway.

"Yes?"

"Good girl." He said, and I shivered.

"Thanks Daddy-o."

My heart was pounding in my ears, but my face remained smiling and happy when I greeted Mr. Evans at the door.

He kissed my cheek and then handed me a bottle of wine.

Marco came up behind me and put his hand on my lower back.

I knew that he did it to remind me of what he had said.

I looked up at him and showed him the bottle of wine.

"Wasn't this nice of Mr. Evans? I can't wait to try this! Thank you so much Mr. Evans. Please come into the dining room and have a seat. I have made quite the feast! I can't wait for you to taste everything."

I smiled as I placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him over to the table.

Touching him may have not been the move, I regretted it as soon as I did it and dropped my hand.

I could feel Marco shooting daggers at me, but I knew that this was the only contact I should have without permission, so I was milking it.

"The food smells great, Ana."

"Thank you."

He licked his lips and I looked away, not wanting to piss off Marco or lead him on.

I was not looking to repeat our first encounter.

All throughout dinner Marco was shooting glares at me every time that Mr. Evans complimented me.

"It's funny you mention that, Cilantro really is a great divider, you love it, or you hate it. Until now, I was sure I hated it." Mr. Evans was polishing off his second serving and I couldn't help but feel stuck.

Marco was eerily quiet as he moved his food around.

I kept resting my hand on his arm and leaning in to ask him how his food was but he'd only grunt.

After a week of the good side of him, I was terrified that I had lost all that progress over a simple meal that he had set up himself.

I remained cool because Columbia was more important.

"It's mixed in among many other flavors, I'm glad you liked it. It's Marco's favorite, right?"

"It is, almost as good as my mother used to make." He said, a smile on his face but the jab was heard loud and clear.

Not good enough.

He looked embarrassed and I knew right then that I needed to talk less.

"So, Ana, I have seen your transcript and your entrance letter, and I have to say that our Pre-Law program would be lucky to have you! Maintaining a 4.3 average with 4 AP courses, tutoring, cheerleading, show choir, debate and track! I am very, very impressed! I am certain that you will be getting an acceptance letter shortly!"

"From your lips to God's ears. It's been my dream since I was a kid."

"I'm sure it will become a reality before you know it."

He winked at me and I couldn't help but grin.

However, I didn't hold his gaze, I thanked him then I focused on my chicken without another word.

Marco's eyes were on me and I couldn't let everything fall apart.

Mr. Evans was handing me Columbia on a fucking gold platter and I was jumping up and down inside with excitement, but I maintained my composure.

"Yes, Mr. Evans she is quite the talent as you well know. She is amazing academically, socially, and sexually…" My jaw dropped. "Why the look Ana? We are all friends here!" Marco deadpanned.

It took me a moment to pick my mouth up off the floor, I couldn't believe Marco, why couldn't he even let me have this moment in time.

He had to bring up that.

Mr. Evans at least had the decency to appear flustered and embarrassed but not Marco, no, he was brazenly laughing and sneering at me.

I made a hasty exit and threw up into the kitchen trash. I rinsed my mouth and then went back to the dining room and began to clear the table, I had picked with Marco and he was once again showing me just were my place was.

When I was alone in the kitchen again, I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding.

I fought the tears that were clogging up my sinuses and tried to regain my composure as I loaded the dishwasher and wiped the counters.

My waterproof mascara was doing its work when I checked my reflection in the microwave.

I still looked flawless even though I could hear them out there laughing and discussing me.

Mr. Evans was now agreeing to things and I just knew what would be next, despite our deal and all the peace we'd fostered, I was still just his little slut.

I swallowed hard and tried to ignore the churning in my stomach.

The kitchen door swung open and nearly knocked me down as I put away the remnants of dinner.

"Put that down and come on."

I smiled at him and closed the fridge.

"Okay, is everything alright?"

Marco reached for my wrist and yanked me back out into the dining area.

"Come on Ana, Mr. Evans has agreed that he would love a repeat performance."

"Marco, please? No? I was good, wasn't I?"

"Too good, baby. You started this game, now you have to finish it." He snarled before shoving me towards Mr. Evans who was on his feet, his fly opens already.

I looked up at Mr. Evans with tears in my eyes and he just smiled at me.

He rubbed my face before putting his hand on my shoulder. The pressure was light but very much there.

I looked over at Marco and he gave me a stern nod. I knew better than to hesitate this time.

This felt like, yet another set up and then Judy's words were back in my head. "there will be moments when it seems playful and he gets you comfortable, don't believe him." I hadn't listened, I should have known and now tonight would taint Columbia for me and make it something that would always remind me of this moment.

I held onto the edge of the table rather than touch him anymore than necessary and then I felt him hovering behind me and much like before, Marco lifted my hips, hiked up my dress and took me from behind.

Spit roasting between them was not my idea of a dinner party and this was becoming too regular for my liking.

Marco grabbed my hands that had started to dangle and pulled them behind my back, he was in control now, like always.

My jaw ached, and my head throbbed as he grunted and groaned.

This was the moment where thinking of Brittany was impossible.

Nothing could take me from this moment and so I just let them use me up.

What I wanted didn't matter.

I should have known better.

After they were finished with me, they excused themselves to the living room to drink and smoke cigars while I finished cleaning up.

I stood in the kitchen dry heaving into the sink while I felt fluids dripping down my legs, I was utterly disgusted and felt just a little too fascinated with the knives.

Right then, I could do it, just end it all...I wanted to but then I thought of Britt and never seeing her again.

I couldn't let him win.

Judy made me promise to come home in one piece and I would do that.

I rinsed out my mouth and then swiped a bottle of wine instead of picking up a knife before creeping across the hall to the bedroom.

Before I did anything, I needed to feel human again, so I cleaned off in the shower and then scrubbed my teeth before climbing in bed.

My phone rested on the nightstand charging, I had been forbidden to touch it without permission and so it taunted me.

I could only answer if my parents called and never have I ever imagined that a call from my parents would seem like a Godsend.

Unfortunately, the call never came.

I pulled out the cork of the wine bottle and promptly began taking long pulls from the it.

It seemed like only seconds before I had finished off the entire thing.

My body was buzzing, and my head was swimming.

I put the bottle on the night stand and stared longingly at my phone.

Marco was talking loudly from the living room, in mid story about a case he was working on, so I knew that there was a window for me and it was closing fast before tonight I was willing to listen to him but right then I had to chance it just to hear her voice.

I picked up my phone and dialed the number that I had memorized the day I met her.

The phone rang and rang but it eventually went to voice mail.

I listened out for Marco who was still mid story and then left a message.

"Hey Britt-Britt! It's me Ana. I had to sneak and call you. I just needed to hear your voice. I love you so much! I'm okay. Doing what I can to get by. I just miss you so much and can't wait to see you in fifty-one days! I know it sounds crazy but get Q to pray with you. Pray for me. For us. Please! I have to go. I love you!"

I hung up the phone and then quickly erased my call log. I rested the phone exactly where Marco had placed it and then turned over to go to sleep with Brittany dancing in my head.