Chapter 8: Smoke & Mirrors (Lifehouse)

I worked every single day and time that Marco would allow me to, I allowed men to use me in every conceivable way. Sometimes it was just a date but most nights it was me getting fucked long and hard. Every day I went home with cash which was much harder to trace than wire transfers.

Before long, I became paranoid that he'd start skimming off the top and insisted that Marco let me have my id back so I could open bank accounts.

He let me open one and insisted I also open a retirement account, grow my money instead of sitting on it.

By the time I worked my last night, I had made $245k and Marco, who I was now sure was trimming money off the top had even more.

I had become his cash cow, but time was short.

All the days blended into one continuous stream of activities and I was getting further away from that girl that reluctantly left Lima in June.

My brain was on autopilot and swimming in enough booze and cocaine to render me brain dead, but I no longer cared.

Money, coke and Marco were my world and I was addicted to all three.

I knew somewhere in my mind that this was temporary and that I would be back in boring old Lima soon enough, so I was giving in to the enjoyment of living and winning!

A small sick part of me even wished that I could just stay.

Two weeks before it was time to go to camp, Marco came home with nothing, no drugs...no booze and leveled with me.

"We have to clean you up, it's almost time for you to deal with Sue."

"No...let me stay. I'm 18, I don't have to go back."

"You do, fast money doesn't last long. We are on a timer, it's only a matter of time before the cops are involved and I'd rather you were far away from it."

"I didn't know you cared so much."

"Oye, Princesa, its been fun, maybe we do it again next summer, but it can't be year-round."

"We could just elope, Marco. That's what you wanted right?"

"Fuck no, I don't really want to marry you. I just needed your skills and redemption for you embarrasing me."

"Papi won't let you get out of this...I'm yours. It's what you wanted."

"You're too dependent on the coke...we have to ween you off. I can't send you back like this."

I flew into a fit that day and left the apartment on my own, in search of a client but Marco found me and beat me for the first time since the hospital.

My body absorbed the pain like it had been conditioned to and then I was begging him, just for one more bender until he gave in.

My last job was the same as my first, me, Marco and Mr. Evans having dinner and then them having me for dessert.

"You have been such a good girl, I'm going to miss you." He said to me with Marco happily zipping up his pants behind me.

Mr. Evans opened his arms to me and I didn't even look to Marco for permission, I just stepped into the embrace and let this old man hold me.

He kissed my forehead and then said with all certainty.

"I look forward to seeing you on campus."

Warmth flooded me as I snuggled deeper.

"Thank you."

"Can I kiss you? Weeks have passed and that's all I've wanted."

"Kisses aren't free." Marco said, and Mr. Evans looked at him and then to me.

"I will give you five thousand dollars for one kiss."

"And what about me?" Marco said.

"You get to keep your job." Mr. Evans said, showing dominance that I had never seen before.

"Go ahead Princesa, let the man have what he wants, he's already given me more than I could have asked for."

And so, I did it, I kissed a man other than Marco for the first time all summer and made that last bit of money to put into my account.

Mr. Evans put the stack of money on the table and then left, immediately Marco rounded on me. I put my hand out to him and gestured toward the money.

"I will let you have all of that if you make sure that I have coke when I go home."

"What?"

"I know I have to get clean for Sue's drug test but after that, I'm going to need something to hold me over...I'm not stupid...I'm hooked. You know how hard blow is to get in that town without someone finding out. So that's the deal, five grand for you to make sure I don't look like a fucking addict searching for coke."

"Fine but this was it, no more jobs...no more coke."

"Promise me, Marco."

"I promise."

"I'm not sure how to even get myself in cheer camp shape anymore, I need help. You'll help, right?"

"Of course, I don't want your father on my case or Sue for that matter."

"You and me both."

Coming down from the coke wasn't easy and I broke more than once, breaking into his stash and snorting just enough to take the edge off.

Marco beat me again, this time crying as he did it.

"You have to stop...please Princesa, you look sick."

"I am sick!" I screamed at him.

We had eight days left before I had to report to camp and I was still strung out. I was shaking and paranoid and it seemed to be catching because Marco seemed more on edge then I was.

He wouldn't let me leave his sight and he cut off my supply of drugs by clearing it out of the apartment. I tried to seduce him, but he brushed me off, turned off now when I called him Daddy or Daddy-o and began to sleep on the floor.

Every morning, he woke up to me curled up on the floor against him, craving drugs and comfort. I knew that I should have been grateful, knowing that Sue was no nonsense about drugs and pregnancy, but I wasn't. Never in my life had I thrown so many tantrums. Sue could handle a drunken cheerleader by forcing her to take a cold shower but someone higher than life she would promptly kick to the curb.

I knew that I should be happy that Marco was getting concerned but I was angry, so I stopped eating no matter how much he threatened to kick my ass.

The fear in his eyes became a permanent fixture every time I would sit staring at my food without touching it. All I wanted was the coke, the rush and then numbness but I was trapped in this apartment with nothing but my demons to keep me company.

I just became a shell of myself and he seemed freaked out, I was no longer recognizable as the girl that he had beaten into submission and it shook him to the core.

Marco knew that he wasn't going to be able to explain this away to my family and friends, no matter how much he threatened I refused him. I had gone through a drastic physical and emotional change and my body was almost skeletal.

I had lost twenty pounds off my petite frame because of the blow and my hunger strike.

For the first time since I was in middle school, I weighed 90 pounds. My hair began to fall out and my rib cage was noticeable, I could see my destruction, but I couldn't bring myself to stop it.

None of my clothes fit me any longer so Marco was forced to buy me a whole new wardrobe. He was no longer cocky or self-assured. Now he was just constantly nervous and careful around me since I was prone to fits if he said more than two words to me.

I knew that I was out of touch, but I didn't see myself like he did.

In my mind I was the same old Santana Lopez.

It all ended up turning a light on in his head because Marco became so desperate that he is making a deal with me. He woke me up with toast and coffee and I just sat there looking at him blankly.

"One last deal...you've got four days to pull it together and I think I can give you something you are willing to trade."

"Is it coke?"

"No."

"Then no deal."

"Just hear me out, please? If you do, I'll give you enough to take the edge off. It stays in your system 72 hours and that would be tomorrow...so hear me out and I'll let you have it."

I nodded in agreement.

"Okay...go."

"I will call off the engagement after a few months and take the blame with your father. I won't interfere with you and Brittany if you keep it quiet until I call it off."

"Okay...what do I have to do?"

"No coke after today, I have your stash ready for after your drug test but until then no more, also, you need to eat everything I give you."

"Everything?" I asked, feeling like his dick was somehow a part of that.

"No offense, Princesa, you are not attractive to me like this...you're a bag of bones and I like my women to look like women."

I snorted thinking of how I did NOT look like a woman at 13. "Sure." I could see his irritation, but he didn't act out.

"Please, I'll even take you to Nico's for waffles or I can bring them to you, does that sweeten the deal?"

"Okay, fine...I'll eat."

"Show me." He said and put the toast on my lap.

"You first."

He pulled out a baggie of coke and I picked up the bread.

I ate as he poured out the lines on my plate after wiping it clean.

"Promise."

"I promise."

"Good girl."

I kept up my end of the deal after he let me have all the coke I wanted before we hit the 72-hour mark. Once that was over, he ordered so much food from Nico's that I thought I'd be sick, but I ate everything and knowing me too well, he would make me sit with him and watch movies afterward until my food had been digested.

I gained weight instantly, but it wasn't nearly enough, we both knew that. He was the sweetest to me though, washing me up...feeding me...packing my clothes and taking me for runs in the park and as promised, to Nico's where I ate two giant waffles like nothing. Then we'd go to the gym and work out. Each day, I was getting a little stronger, even if I was winded, but he pushed me more and more until I could run a mile without feeling like I would die.

Sue would push me way harder than he was, and he was trying like hell to make sure that I was as ready as he could make me in three days.

Finally, time was up and my time in New York was over. We woke up before sunrise and he made love to me for the first time. He was slow and sweet as he told me he was proud of me.

I let him have me until the alarm went off and then he washed my body one last time.

Every part of me was sore but I embraced it because that meant I wasn't numb.

"You get to see Brittany today, are you excited?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm scared that I'm not good enough for her anymore. I feel used up and way too worldly. She's so innocent and I'm pathetic."

"If you love her like you have insisted that you do, then you'll find a way."

"Are you giving me actual advice?"

He laughed and chucked a pillow at me.

"Well yeah, haven't I always?"

"Yeah, I guess so but never about girls."

"I am not two dimensional, Ana." It was the first time this summer he'd called me something other than Princesa and it stung.

"I don't know her anymore."

"Princesa cannor exist anymore...you have to be Santana Lopez...Anita...Ana. You aren't an escort, no matter what your bank account says."

"Will we do this again?"

"Depends on you...if you get clean this year and focus on who you were before this summer...this might be it for us. I got what I wanted...and you got what you needed."

"Did I?"

"Financial independence from your father and a ticket into Columbia."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course, now, enough of this...we have shit to do."

By the time that we climbed into the car, I looked more like myself than I had in a really long time.

I had my regulation ponytail and my Cheerios sweat suit on, it hung off me, but I hadn't been able to get one in a smaller size.

Marco told me that he had put my "medicine" in special compartments at the bottom of my bag that were untraceable.

He told me that if I stretched it, I would be able to make it the whole month.

I hoped so!

We stopped at Starbucks and got the biggest, most caffeinated drink to help me with my shaking and a breakfast sandwich which he watched me eat.

I had to stay clean today and I knew it was going to be really tough with me overseeing my own coke, but I had to do this, there was no choice. I wanted to believe that I wasn't an addict but when my hands wouldn't stop shaking I sure felt like one.

We arrived at the camp before the buses from Lima and before Sue.

It all looked the same except smaller than I remembered it. New York had warped my image of small buildings. The sun beat down on my face and I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes, feeling like the brightness was too much for my senses.

Me, Q and B had always talked about being in the senior cabin together and now that I was standing in it with Marco, it felt like nothing.

"Do you need me one last time?" He asked as he helped me unpack my bag.

"No...if we are going to have a clean break, I can't have memories of us here."

"Okay, if you need me, call me and I will find a way to help you."

"I won't."

"Just call me." He kissed my face and then my lips one last time and then ran a hand over my hair.

"You'll want to hide that stash before they get here." He checked his watch and then looked over at the empty bag. "You have about a half hour. Keep your nose clean until after that test...okay?"

"I know, I will, Daddy-o."

"Good girl. I'll have the rest waiting for you in Lima."

"Thank you."

I watched Marco pull off and then I headed back inside my cabin to unpack the stash, I knew he was right there was no leaving this laying around with Sue and Quinn around.

They'd go searching and I couldn't lose this coke that I had worked so hard for, so I grabbed all of it and decided to go for a hike in the woods.

I knew that the buses would be pulling in soon and that I had only a small window of opportunity to hide it.

Being a senior, I knew this camp and these woods better than most of the newer girls and right now that was working to my advantage.

I walked a half a mile before I found what I was looking for. There were a couple of huge trees that had fallen over and under one of them you could climb in if you were tiny enough.

Other than myself, Q, and Britt nobody knew that this existed.

I knew that it was risky putting this here, but I couldn't trust Sue not to ransack the cabin.

So, I pulled out my pocket knife and cut a piece of the bark as deep as I could. I didn't know that I was capable of being so crafty but hey hang around Glee nerds long enough and you are bound to pick up anything. I made a big enough hole and then stuck the stash down deep before covering it back up with dirt and then the thick bark.

I made a small squiggle (because an X was too damn obvious) and then I climbed out of the tree.

Leaving something so valuable felt wrong to me but I had to survive, if I had learned anything this summer it was that. I kept looking over my shoulder back at the tree and then at my surroundings.

My hands began to shake so I tucked them in my pockets and trudged back to camp.

My hike had wiped me out, I was feeling tired and needy, but I had turned Marco down. I'd just have to deal.

When I got back to the cabin, I could hear the squeal of the buses coming up the road, so I sat on the top step and finished my coffee. The caffeine buzz was nothing compared to coke, but it was all I had.

My nerves had me shaking as the bus pulled up and I smiled bigger than I had in a long while.

Brittany and Q were on that bus.

My nightmare was over, and I was Santana again. I had to be and if I couldn't be all the way then I had some coke to get me through.

A weight lifted off my shoulders as I prepared myself for what was ahead. I heard Sue on a tirade before they even got off the bus and I knew immediately that it had been smart to stash my stuff.

With my coffee gone, I tucked my shaking hands into my hoodie and bit down on my lips. I wanted to meet them at the bus, but I didn't really trust my shaking limbs to make it over to it, so I sat patiently waiting.

The shouting through the bullhorn continued as I watched two blonde heads heading my way. I moved down to the ground and put on my best smile. Q saw me first, her face looked concerned when she mumbled to Britt. I smiled even bigger when B looked up at me. Her face lit up as she dropped her luggage and ran to me.

"Britt, Sue is going to kill us if you leave your luggage on the pathway! Get back here!"

But even Quinn couldn't blame her as she rolled her eyes and grabbed B's bag too.

I was nearly knocked over by the force of the hug that I had received. Britt held me tightly and I just rubbed her back as I heard her sobbing and apologizing in my ear. I looked at Q and she nodded at me, confirming my suspicion that she had told B the whole story of me and Marco.

After a moment Britt stepped back and looked me over with a frown.

"You look sick, are you okay? Did you stop eating again?"

Shit.

"I'm fine, B." I said, never dropping my smile.

"Let's go inside." Q said shoving Britt's bag at her.

I took the out as I climbed the steps and held the door open for them. Britt kept looking at me unconvinced, but she waited until we were inside to say anything else. The moment the door closed she turned towards me and kissed my lips.

"You smell like him." She said, softly.

"Gross, San, you didn't fuck in here, did you?" Q said, pausing from setting up her bed.

"No. He kissed me, that's it."

Britt screwed up her face and wiped her lips.

"Gross."

I rolled my eyes.

"I fucked him a lot...I did what I had to do okay. I'm here now though...please don't be weird." I said to them both, I knew it was harsh, but I just needed to get that out of the way. They'd have questions and that was one that I wasn't embarrassed to share right off the bat. If they didn't want to be in the bunk with me, then I would deal.

I loved them both, but coke was more important to me in that moment and getting to have it later was all that was on my mind. They both nodded and went back to unpacking. I held my smile in place as I sat listening to the stories of the bus ride and how Sue wanted everyone down at the triage at six sharp for our physicals, which included our drug and pregnancy tests.

"You're not pregnant right?" I asked Q and she raised an eyebrow.

"Definitely not, are you?"

Britt was looking at me now and I shook my head, knowing for a fact that I wasn't. Even with the shot, Marco had been making me pee on sticks for weeks now just to be sure.

"Not pregnant." I said.

Quinn and Britt shared a look but didn't ask about drugs because there shouldn't have a reason to.

Right?

"Uniform for tonight, black tops red spanks and attitude!" Becky's voice barked over the loudspeaker. "Coach will be making her announcement in five minutes...get dressed and be ready for further instructions...bitches."

I rolled my eyes not missing that chick even a little bit. My head was starting to hurt something fierce but that would go away once the test was over and I could take a hike. I pulled out my uniform and quietly peeled off my clothes with my back to the both of them.

Britt gasped and then Quinn cleared her throat, but I didn't look at either of them as I got dressed. Their eyes were on me though and the lack of drugs was making me venomous.

"What?" I finally spat.

"San, we are just worried that's all. You look pissed that we are here, and you can't blame us for wondering how you are." Q said.

Britt nodded in agreement twiddling her fingers.

"Then just ask me." I snapped.

"Baby, are you okay?" Britt said, squatting in front of me as I sat on the bed trying to keep my shaking under control.

"I'm okay, just adjusting. I guess I just seem like this because I am tired. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm nervous about dealing with Sue again, just bear with me okay? Obviously, I haven't been eating but Marco has been on me for days to make sure that I gained weight. This was the best I could do. It wasn't an easy summer...and I don't want you two judging me for all that I've done...please, I'm just begging for normalcy." I said barely above a whisper.

I played with my engagement ring, a habit that I had developed to keep my hands busy but then Britt snatched my hand and examined the diamond. She looked back up at me.

"Do you have to wear this while you're here? It hurts me to see it on you."

I smiled at the adorableness that was Brittany and nodded.

"You can take it from me if you want."

Britt's face lit up as she slid the ring off my finger.

"Better?" I asked.

And she nodded,

"Much better!"

We were interrupted by the loudspeaker that was installed in every cabin, it sounded like Sue had the bullhorn in front of her mouth as she spoke into it.

"Attention ladies, the pathetic excuse for a triage nurse has come down with bird flu, so the drug and pregnancy tests are cancelled until we get back to school. Unfortunately, I am going to have to trust that you are all up to your peak level of Sue standards! I want you all to get your asses down to the mess hall in fifteen minutes! Sandbags, if you are here, which I assume you are because I could smell the silicone as I passed by the senior cabin, I want you down here now! As for the rest of you sloppy babies, now you have fourteen minutes to report!"

As I tied my shoes and fixed my ponytail, I could still feel them watching me, but I would deal with them later.

Did this mean that I could sneak some coke?

No test meant I could take the edge off. I left the cabin and detoured to the woods...Sue could wait. With less effort I pulled out a baggie that was full of a line's worth of coke and snorted it off my arm.

I took a moment to let the rush consume me.

Happiness pushed away all the irritation because I knew I couldn't go without this today. I tucked another baggie in my bra and buried the rest.

After too much time had passed and I could hear her announcement calling for me and warning the girls they had five minutes left, I rushed down the hill to her office.

I knew almost instantly that I was going to have to push myself extra hard because the minute jog to the mess hall had me winded. I stopped short when I nearly ran straight into Sue, the coke keeping my body buzzing.

Sue looked down at me with a knowing look and my heart began to race.

"Follow me Santana."

If the look didn't get my attention, Sue's use of my first name sure did. I walked with her to her office at the back of the mess hall.

She sat down behind her desk and folded her hands over a red file folder.

"Shut the door and have a seat."

I did as she asked and then quietly sat in front of her, but I couldn't really be still.

"Yes coach?"

"Do you know why I called you in here without your sidekicks?"

I felt like I was going to shit myself.

Something was up...she couldn't know...could she?