Chapter 9: Wasted (Carrie Underwood)

My body was buzzing but I kept my eyes on Sue...I should have been ready for an interrogation on my weight alone but still I had spent most of the summer being subservient and I was tempted to drop to my knees and beg for mercy, but I stayed as still as possible.

"Is it about becoming captain?" I asked, trying to be play dumb.

"Ha! At least I know you still want to be my captain." She stood up and began her pacing, I followed her walking as I bit down on my bottom lip. "I was in New York about two weeks ago, seeing the sites and revisiting the home of the glee club's failure. Do you know who I saw?"

"Me?" I asked.

"Yes, on the arm of a rival coach and I thought, couldn't possibly be sandbags. She's too skinny and blitzed to be my girl. So, I did some investigating and it led me to a little hotel on the upper east side. I disguised myself as a John and watched you snorting coke as I walked into a room." I couldn't help my smirk as I thought of her disguising herself, how had I missed that? "And then I dug more, and I found out that you have been escorting all summer...is that right?"

"Yes."

"Do Q & Brittany know?"

"No."

"I wanted to believe that the coke was for fun, sure I've dabbled but here you are sitting in front of me with blown out pupils and a Rudolph red nose. I called you here to give you a chance to fix this before you lose everything. I cancelled the drug tests for you and I see that was wise. I want you as my captain this year, but I can't have you leading my Cheerios to Loserville. I can't have some junkie on my team."

"I'm not a junkie."

"I don't believe you!" She yelled at me and I felt the tears coming and normally I could fight them back but not this time. I was weeping now as she continued to circle my chair like a vulture. "I have cameras all over this camp and I know you hid your stash somewhere out in those woods. I have cameras everywhere. Did you think you could fool me?"

"No." I muttered.

"You obviously did. There's no way you can be my captain, I don't even want you on my squad!"

"Please...I can get clean." I muttered.

"Speak up, Sandbags!"

"I can stop! I will stop! I'll do whatever you want, please don't take the captainship from me again. I earned it!" I pleaded through snot and tears.

"You get this one shot don't make a fool out of me! I am going to go out there and run some drills and while I am doing that I want you to go get your stash and bring every bit of it back to me. Got it?" I nodded again. "If you mess this up, you can pack your stuff right now and hand in your uniform, for good. So, think hard about how you want to end your high school career, understand?" I nodded and watched her pace but then she stopped and glared. "Well…what are you waiting for get a move on!"

My heart raced as I left her office and I knew for sure that I couldn't do this without courage...so I slipped into the bathroom and snorted the last bit of coke that I had on me before washing my face and running back towards the cabin. It felt like all eyes were on me as I headed in the opposite direction of the field, but I didn't give a shit about those losers.

All I wanted was to be captain, it was all I EVER wanted out of Cheerios, to be on top.

When I got back to the cabin, my second hit giving me the courage to face the two sets of eyes waiting for me, I didn't say a word, I just turned past the cabin and headed into the woods.

My whole body was zinging, and my mind was running in circles, but I couldn't pass up the second chance Sue was giving me.

I wanted to call Marco and get him to talk me into being calm, but I needed to start moving on from him.

So, I began my hike with the sounds of footsteps behind me, they kept talking to me, but I ignored them, I just didn't have time for them right now.

I crawled into the tree trunk again thanking God that we were all too big to fit into the tree at the same time and I slipped two more baggies into my bra before balling up the big bag as small as I could before I climbed out the tree and held the bag to my chest.

The way that Brittany looked at me was no hallucination, she was crying, and I couldn't handle it. I was so happy...too wired to give into her sadness but then I looked at Q and I felt a panic attack grip me.

My chest was tight, and I couldn't breathe.

Oh God...I couldn't die like this.

Was this what a bad trip felt like?

All I wanted right then was Marco as I dropped to my knees and clutched the bag even closer. My breathing was shallow as I tried to calm myself down but knowing they were disappointed in me made things even worse. I felt Britt on the ground beside me and I began to cry as she rubbed my back and began to sing Landslide into my ear.

This was more than I deserved but I allowed it to calm the pain in my chest.

Even now Brittany was able to make me feel better and I had to be just as good for her.

I shot up from the ground, startling Britt and began to run as fast as I could back down the hill towards Sue. The coke was pushing me further and further, my legs moving beyond exhaustion to make it back before it was too late. I felt them running right along with me, Britt was a natural runner and easily matched my pace while Q seemed to be pulling in right behind me.

"We are so proud of you right now, San."

Q said between breaths. I couldn't help but smile a little.

I had tried pulling away from them, but they refused to let go, this was why I loved them both so very much. A sudden peace flooded my body as I came to a slow jog near the track, we were running past Sue and the Cheerios now heading straight for office.

For a split second I wished I had time to go to the bathroom once more, but I had gotten two hits in, that had to be enough. Sue told the girls to take five and go run laps around the mess hall when she saw us.

Only Sue would think that was a break.

When we reached Sue's office I placed my bag down in front of her as she sat down. I stood there my arms wrapped around myself as she looked in my eyes.

"You took another hit, didn't you?"

I bit my lip as more tears came and nodded.

"Yes." I said, dropping my head.

Q and Britt stood on either side of me and waited for Sue to respond.

"And this bag is everything that you have?"

I held my head up and looked Sue in the eye wanting to lie to her but knowing I couldn't.

So, I reached into my bra and grabbed one of the baggies and put it down on her desk.

"I'm sorry. That's all of it coach, I promise. Every bit, I swear. I hope you will still have me as your captain?" I lied before looking down at my feet.

I heard a heavy sigh from coach and then I felt my best friends each take a step away.

"Ladies, thank you for trying to make sure she stayed honest. When we talked last week, I didn't believe that she would agree to give up her stash. I don't think she would have done this much if you weren't here to have her back. It is good to see the unholy trinity back together. Between the four of us we can usually whip those pitiful creatures out there into champions but now it will just have to be the three of us." My heart began to sink as I watched my dream dissolve. She came around the desk and stood right in front of me. "You have a tell when you lie, did you know that?"

I shook my head.

"I'm not lying, I swear."

"Baby, stop." Britt said tangling her fingers in mine.

"Can I take a minute...just please this is too much. Please?" I begged, and Sue shook her head.

"You can leave when you give me what you have left." Sue sat at her desk and folded her hands together, waiting.

"San, come on...don't do this." Q said, and I looked over at her blood shot eyes, wishing I could push past my own stubbornness and then Britt was standing in front of me, her eyes on mine and she gave me a tiny smile.

"Where?" Britt said, eyes full of trust.

"My bra...I...just have one left." I said to her.

She held her hand out and I pouted.

"Please, B...just let me have the one...please?"

"Give it to me, pretty please, you got to have some today that needs to be enough."

I nodded and finally, reached into my bra and pulled out the last baggie, staring at it one last time before placing it in her palm.

"Promise me that's everything." She said, and I looked her straight in the eyes.

"That's it." I said, and she nodded before turning around and slapping it down in front of Sue.

"She's telling the truth."

"That's great for her." Sue said and then looked at Q. "Santana has forfeited the right for me to trust her as my captain, Q you're up."

I sunk down to the floor with a scream, banging my fists on the floor in frustration.

"What was the point of me giving you what I had?!" I screamed at Sue and she ignored me.

"Q let's go out to the field and take charge of your new team. Brittany get her cleaned up and out on the field, let's see if she can earn the right to even have a place on this team."

With that Sue and Q left me there in the arms of the only person I had wanted to be with since the day I met her and it felt like nothing at all.

I was numb now; my high had been ruined and so had all I worked for.

What was it all for?

I followed Britt into the bathroom and then sat on window ledge staring out at the squad.

Quinn had Sue's bullhorn now and was barking orders. She had fallen right back into place and I had basically handed that to her.

"You know she had no problem with you being captain. She wasn't trying to steal this from you."

"I know." I said, as I bit my fingernails.

"When did that start?" She asked as she pulled my hand from my mouth.

"I didn't have a file, so I had to use my teeth."

She looked at my nails and I turned my face away, I knew how they looked chewed down to nubs with torn cuticles.

Not only had I started biting them, I had also begun to pick at them when I was nervous.

"I don't like it." She said as she brought each finger to her lips and kissed them.

"Just add it to the list of the ways I am disappointing you this summer."

"Look at me."

"I don't want to...if you're going to dump me, just do it already." I said, watching Quinn berating a freshman.

"Me dump you? You cheated on me over and over and got engaged to someone else, I think it's clear who dumped who!" Brittany was actually yelling now, and I looked at her finally. "Kut!"

She was enraged, not a tear was on her face just anger, there was only one other time I had heard someone yell that word and it was when her mother was yelling at her father in Dutch.

"B...there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think of you. I never stopped, you know that!" I pleaded, "Please don't turn on me too."

Now she was pacing, acting angrier than I had ever seen her.

"I carried this around all summer, this rage about what you did with him to start all of this off and then Quinn told me the rest of the story. Just how much you bow down to him and I felt so much worse. I should have seen back then that you did what you did out of desperation but then the calls...God the fucking calls I would get randomly from you sounding so broken and dejected were hell and now here we are with you on drugs! I feel so helpless and I love you too much to just leave you like this. I do!"

"You still love me?" I asked, moving to her and reaching for her face.

At my touch she dropped her hands and looked at me with those sad eyes.

"Of course, I do, you're my unicorn. I don't want to do any of this without you. Losing you for those two months was more than enough for me."

"I'm here, B."

"Not yet...not until you stop with the drugs and eat something...eat EVERYTHING."

"Okay, B...I can do that. I can try. I swear."

She broke then and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back and I wanted to believe my words to her.

It's just that I was way more addicted than I thought.

Even with her in my arms, there was something else I wanted more.

We went out to the field pinkies linked as they were taking the final laps before dinner.

Quinn was running with the bullhorn to her lips, yelling at the girls like a pro.

"Come on ladies, two more laps! Go, Go, Go. Pick it up, Pick it up!" Quinn barked out and then Sue was on the bullhorn in the bleachers.

"Nice job Q, way to show these worthless slugs how it is done, properly!" I started running as soon as my feet hit the clay, Britt was already slicing her way to the front of the pack and immediately Sue was on me. "Sandbags, your spot is in the front with your blonde counterparts…you have 2.5 seconds to get those flotation devices to propel you forward or you can kiss that uniform goodbye!"

My lungs were on fire and all feeling in my legs had long disappeared.

I took a deep breath and I pushed myself as far past my limit as I could go.

Before I knew it, I was side by side with Q, B was already drinking water at the finish line but as long as I could keep pace with Q, I knew I'd be okay and when we ended up finishing the last lap together, I felt just a little better about my place on the team.

As I crossed the finish, my stomach turned on me. I hunched over in the bushes vomited up bile and coffee. I had no shame after all that I had been through in the last month.

Britt was right next to me blocking the view of my vomiting from the other Cheerios as she rubbed my back.

I blew out deep breaths and silently thanked the heavens that I had made it to the finish without dropping even if it meant the humiliation of getting sick.

After enough time went by and felt like I could breathe, I forced myself to stand up and follow Britt to the mess hall.

She didn't have much to say to me as we held hands instead of pinkies.

Quinn also seemed speechless as she fell in step with us.

"Everything okay?" She asked, and Britt just nodded without speaking.

"We'll see." I said as we got in the food line. "This hasn't been the easiest thing for me either, I admitted. He tried to wean me off and I went on a hunger strike."

"With your history, that wasn't something you should have done, San."

"I know, I lost control of it...before I knew it food became harder to eat."

"But you'll try, right?" B asked as we picked up our trays.

I nodded and picked up the foods that didn't make me want to hurl.

And honestly, there wasn't much.

I ended up with a salad and breadsticks because they seemed bland enough for me to stomach.

Truthfully, I had expected them to shove food in my face and demand that I eat but Quinn and Britt just sat with me and talked like old times.

It was the best way to end what was left of my high.

That night as we got ready for bed I was putting my dirty clothes in my bag when I noticed another pocket disguised.

Britt was in the shower and Q was meeting with Sue, so I chanced pulling at the Velcro.

And there, in a little velvet bag was more of what I had lost.

It took everything in me not to cry out in delight. For now, knowing it was there was enough, but I had to test my resolve.

I had given up what I had known to be my all, without telling them what was waiting for me in Lima.

And that felt like enough.

I needed this safety net and promised myself that I would only touch it if it became too much. The bag held more than a baggie's worth.

It was my backup...Marco had to know that something would happen to the bigger bag. He thought like the addict that he refused to admit that he was.

I heard someone on the steps to the cabin and went back to putting my dirty clothes in the bag like nothing.

Britt touched my arm and I looked at her with a big smile.

She seemed to search my eyes for something, but I had nothing more to give.

Lying to Brittany had been impossible for me at one point but time away from her with the biggest liar I knew had taught me to deceive.

If I wasn't talking, she believed me. She kissed my lips and went over to her bunk to get dressed without asking me anything. Right then I was glad she wasn't Q because that bitch would have searched my things, but Brittany trusted me.

And she shouldn't have.