Chapter 11: I'm Okay (Christina Aguilera)

We had the perfect Sunday, dinner down by the lake just the three of us but I could feel the turning in my soul. This couldn't last, I hadn't really dealt with anything, just pushed it deep down.

So, I found myself once again, waiting for them to go to sleep before sneaking out just one night later. Marco answered on the first ring yet again.

"Yes, Princesa?" He snapped, there was a familiar voice in the background.

"Where are you?"

"Um hold on..." There was shuffling and then a door closing before he answered me, "I'm in Lima, at your parents' house. You set up your mailing address from the bank for the house."

"So, what?"

"They opened your mail and saw your statement, I was trying to talk your dad down."

"How pissed is he?"

"He wants to drive to you so that you can explain how you got this money, he won't listen to me."

"You're not telling me something."

"Now is not the time."

And then the voice was closer.

"Is that her?!"

"Aden wait-" Marco started to say but my father was faster.

"Anita, where did you get this much money?"

"Papi, I worked for it."

"There's no way that you made this much being an intern! I have already called Sue and told her she is to pull you from the team and send you home."

"No...I'm coming home in a few weeks just like everyone else."

"I am your father!"

"And I'm 18 years old, I'm an adult, you shouldn't have opened my mail."

"Is this what you taught my daughter?" He was yelling at Marco now, "You are lucky that it's only a few weeks, Santana. When you get home, we are going to talk about this, I got phone calls from people in Nueva York and I don't like what I heard. I want answers or else, see you then."

"Si, Papi." The call ended, and I just stood there on a dark road, my whole body tensed as I thought of the way he'd beat me when he knew the truth.

And I felt the panic attack seize me, I thought death was finally catching up with me and I was welcoming it.

I went back to the lake and sat at a table that was off the beaten path. This was it, I needed to not have this temptation any longer, I had made a promise that I intended to keep. I poured out two lines on top of my phone...the contact made my screen light up and I could see Britt's smiling face light up my screen.

What was I doing?

I threw the bag down on the table and broke down into tears.

How had this become my life?

There was no need to run anymore. I had my girls and we had this time away from Lima to be ourselves. I looked over towards the lake where we had taken turns dunking each other not even five hours before and now here I was about to break my promise.

With one last look, I took a breath and snorted the two lines until there wasn't a trace of powder left. This was it, now or never. I picked up the bag and walked down to the shoreline and threw the bag as far into the lake as I could.

Now I would have no choice but to face my demons head on

I was sure that getting high had been the answer, but I needed to be better from now on and be worthy of the person that I always professed myself to be.

The walk back to the cabin was lonely and cold. We had to be up at sunrise for morning drills before breakfast and I was out past midnight like I didn't have anywhere to be in the morning.

I thought I had it under control but then the sound of Papi's voice kept replaying.

Or else.

Or else.

Or else.

There was no putting New York behind me, how could I be so stupid.

I stopped on the road, thinking maybe I could swim to the bottom of the lake for the baggie but then I thought of Q and Britt, how much they cared about me and would be disappointed if I drowned.

So I trudged ahead, knowing that I couldn't run away from this.

The only way was forward and Sue wasn't going to waste the money to send me back, I just needed to push down my fear of what was coming and focus on what I had in the here and now.

Only it wasn't so easy.

By the time I got back to the cabin, all I could think about was Brittany.

I pushed the door to the cabin open and Quinn was sound asleep with her big ass headphones on, probably listening to the hobbit sing to her or something.

Without stopping to think about it, I stripped down to nothing and crawled into Britt's bunk. I pulled the covers over my head and slowly pulled off her boxers.

She let out a snort and I nearly laughed but it was time to put what Marco had taught me to use. Even with Q's headphones on, I wanted to practice being quiet. Britt must have been having a great dream because she was practically dripping.

I blew on the wetness and she moaned.

That was all the consent I needed as I buried my face in her heat. My arms were wrapped around her thighs as I slowly built her up. It took only a few moments for her fingers to bury in my hair as she began to move her hips in time with my licks.

When I glanced up, I could see her eyes half open as she watched me work.

"More." She whispered, and I brought my fingers down to her entrance. "Yesss." She hissed when I pushed three fingers in.

I built her up through one orgasm after another after another. Finally, she yanked at my hair so that I'd crawl up her body and when her lips met mine, I kissed her harder than I ever had, my fingers still thrusting and then her long fingers found their way to my center and she was pushing inside of me.

We grunted and hissed our way through fucking and love making until our bodies were slick with sweat.

I passed out in her arms and everything felt right. Sometime in the night, Britt had left to go to the bathroom and I laid there staring after her when something hit me in the face.

When I looked over to Quinn she was beet red.

"That was so hot." She said, her voice husky with sleep.

"Jealous?" I joked, and she actually nodded. "In your dreams, Fabray."

"Been there, done that."

I was about to say something smart back at her, but Britt came back in looking love drunk.

"Ready for another round?" She whispered but then Quinn cleared her throat.

"If you don't want me to join in, then I suggest you both get some sleep, in your own beds."

I kissed Britt's face and then saluted Quinn.

"Aye, aye captain."

When I fell into bed, I had no idea what the come down would be from the coke I had taken, I thought it would be like every other time, but I had pushed down way too much emotion and impending doom.

My mind knew that there was no more candy to distract it and I crashed hard!

More time passed, and my body was still zooming off the coke. Britt and Q were back to sleep and I didn't want to wake them, so I got dressed, leaving them alone for the second time that night. Instead of leaving camp, I went down to the field which looked way bigger when it was only lit by the moon.

There had to be a way to get the last bit of energy out of my system without sex and right then it just had to be running. I took off at a light jog around the track until my shirt was soaked and my legs burned.

My heart was pounding loud in my ears, but I finally felt the exhaustion that I had been chasing. The walk back up to the cabin was short but it took pushing every muscle in my body to get up those cabin steps.

Neither Q or B noticed I was gone, they were still both dead to the world as I stripped down and climbed back into my bed. Sleep took me instantly and I didn't fight it.

When I woke back up the sun was beating on me through the window, but I couldn't move past the tremors as the coke left my system yet again. I rolled over and both Q and B were gone, I could hear the bullhorn and the whistles going for an eternity before I fell back asleep only to be awakened again as the tremors assaulted my senses, but I just bit my lips and resisted the urge to scream.

Night time came, and I was weeping as the pain hit me...there was no more of anything to help calm me.

The cabin was still empty as I went through the worst of it, scratching and rocking myself until I fell asleep again. For a whole day, I laid there staring at the wall, tears leaking from my face and I could feel them hovering over me, worried that I was beyond their reach. My stomach ached with hunger, but I ignored it and fell back to sleep.

The night greeted me again but this time I couldn't move. Britt was holding me in place and the tears came so fast that I couldn't make them silent.

I was sobbing, and Brittany was wide awake now.

She was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her over my sobs. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to feel numb, to take my poison far away from that innocent look in those beautiful eyes.

Her hand cupped my cheek.

"Breathe."

"Sorry sorry sorry."

"I forgive you."

"Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!" I was hysterical, but she didn't let me go.

"Please...sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry."

I cried myself to sleep, barely able to catch my breath. I went on like this for days on end and not once did Sue come looking for me. Her absence said everything she needed it to say and I no longer cared.

Depression held me tighter than any drug and not even Britt could shake me out of it.

Another day went by much like the first two had and I had cried all afternoon while Sue was drilling the Cheerios into the ground. By the time Britt and Q had come back exhausted and sore I had fallen into a deep sleep.

At some point they left for dinner and left me alone for a while longer.

I felt drained and lonely. I knew it was late, but my body and my mind didn't seem to get the message. I heard her before I felt her.

Britt wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck. I felt my body relax into hers as some of my tension finally released.

"I love you Britt. No matter what happens this year, I will always love you." I whispered, my voice still shaky.

She hugged me tighter and kissed me again.

"I love you too Ana, you are my favorite person in the whole world, I'm so proud of you for quitting."

"You haven't even met everyone in the world, Britt Britt."

"I don't need to silly cuz I already found you."

"Thanks B."

Britt began to sing sweetly in my ear about songbirds and then before I knew it I was fast asleep wrapped in one of Britt's bear hugs. It finally felt like order had been restored.