Chapter 12:This=Love (The Script)
It was like a light switch had suddenly been turned on inside of me. When I woke up four days after I had my last bender, I felt like a better, more refreshed version of myself.
Falling asleep in Brittany's arms with her song in my ears had brought back a part of me that I hadn't felt since my birthday.
When I sat up, I didn't feel like I was being weighed down by a ton of bricks, instead I felt like I could breathe. The tremors had pretty much vanished and I could actually hold my hands steady.
Britt and Q had already left for breakfast, probably convinced that it would be another day of me staying in bed, weeping randomly and refusing to eat or shower. I had been curled up in my bed for days and it seemed that Sue wasn't going to come bang down the door looking for me.
She was probably happy that I wasn't walking around being a bad influence on her girls and I didn't blame her. I had gone from her next cheer captain to a junkie curled up in a ball, just as she had feared. I had obviously hit a bottom, and everyone was giving me the space I needed to get through it.
When I stood up and stretched, the stench of my body hit my nose and I had to give it to Britt for holding me the way she had done. Q had even shown up in my bed to try and talk some sense into me, laying nose to nose with my stinky ass breath without complaint.
I smelled to the high heavens and they still had tried to get me back.
If I ever doubted the love of my friends, I was sure that now, that was unnecessary.
The first thing I did was steal one of Q's razors and shaved my legs with a bottle of water and some of her expensive sensitive lotion. My hygiene had tanked and the first thing I needed to do was act like I actually gave a fuck.
And the advantage of taking a shower when the rest of the team was down at the mess hall was that there was plenty of hot water.
I wasn't thinking about Papi's threat or whatever lie Marco had probably told him, all I wanted was to enjoy this last week and a half of camp. After the shower and I put on my best fitting uniform, since I was even smaller now and put my hair into my regulation ponytail.
Even if Sue berated me I was going to go down to that field and be the cheerleader that she had trained me to be but better. She had invested in me, had my back and I owed her some loyalty and respect.
As I cleaned up my side of the room, I remembered something that Q had said to me when I pretended to be asleep at last night. Britt had been sleeping for over an hour while I just laid there staring out my window at the moon, feeling nothing but pity for myself.
Quinn had squeezed onto the bed and laid nose to nose with me and began to whisper to me and I pretended not the hear her.
"I know you're awake, I just saw you close your eyes, but I will allow you to keep pretending. Look San, I love you so much and it is killing me to be out there cheering without you. If you tell anyone this I will kill you and they will never find your body." It took everything in me to suppress a laugh. "I see you smirking Santana, you are such a horrible faker! Anyway, now that I gave you my disclaimer, San I need you. You and I are like a two shot, well a triple shot with Britt. I know that you are hurting bad and there is no changing what happened to you. I just want you to understand something, something you told me that night I gave up Beth. You told me that just because you can't have the life that you want doesn't mean you have to stop trying to live. I am sure you said it much better than that, but I know you get it. I am here whenever, you know that. You are my sister, my other half. I love you. So please fight to love yourself and start living for you again."
Tears burned my eyes as I stood in front of the mirror for the first time in forever, even though I hadn't eaten in a few days I still had some meat on my bones and there was contentment in my eyes that I hadn't seen or even felt in longer than I could remember.
I was going to make it through this, with my friends by my side.
Quinn's words stuck out in my mind and I was grateful for her. She knew my pains, it was like she had been with me each time that I suffered. I owed her a debt that I probably could never repay.
I'd never tell her, but she was right, I did need to start fighting to love myself as I was not as Papi or Marco wanted me to be. Through all the bullshit I had been a fighter and I hadn't backed down...why start now?
I still had time to turn things around.
This wasn't just mine and Britt's year, but it was going to be MY year. The year that I took control of my life once and for all.
Before I took a step outside of the room I dropped to my knees and clasped my hands in my lap.
"Dear heavenly father, please watch over me and help me to find that peace of mind I have always searched for. Please help me to enjoy my last cheer camp and just living. I know that I haven't been my best self and I have done things that should send me straight to hell, but I believe in you, I repent for all that stuff. You are my rock and the safest place imaginable for my peace to reside. Thank you for keeping me alive and semi-sane. Help me to be the best version myself. I love you. Amen!"
Most people wouldn't expect me to be religious especially with the way I treat them, but my heart is always with God...go figure!
When I walked into the mess hall with my ego back intact and with my head held high, the atmosphere changed almost instantly, the chatter quieted but I acted like I didn't notice.
I strolled over to the food line and filled my tray with a little bit of everything and grabbed a huge bottle of water before taking a seat at my usual table right next to my Britt Britt.
"Great to have you back San!"
Quinn grinned like an idiot but I all I could do was smirk and nod.
"Great to be back, Q."
I caught Sue glancing at me from her perch at the table next to us.
She nodded at me and then went back to her food.
"I'm happy to see you up and moving, Baby! Does this mean you will be cheering again?" Britt asked me.
"You betcha Britt Britt. I am going to top the pyramid again too. Thank you for last night. Those bear hugs were just the medicine I needed."
"I wish I had known that sooner." She frowned for a second and then her face lit up again.
"Do you two think that tonight we can hang out and just talk like old times?" I asked them as I made a sandwich out of my eggs and toast.
"And you'll actually talk to us?" B asked.
"Of course, B! I need you and Q to help me catch up and plus I was hoping we could talk about what happened in New York?"
"Really San?" Q said looking slightly concerned.
"Yep, the easiest way to put all the bad stuff behind me and move on is to get it all out in the open. Plus, I have to tell you about the deal I made with Marco."
"Oh, I have wanted to know soooo bad!" Quinn leaned in and whispered, "I haven't been able to properly gossip in ages!"
"You made a deal with him?" B looked concerned, "Am I going to like it?"
"I think you just might, Britt Britt."
Britt sat on my bed and I sat between her knees as she brushed my hair and Q painted my toes. We were watching Disney movies and just talking about all the things I missed when B stopped brushing. I looked up at her and could see that her face was pinched.
"What's up, B?"
"I want to know about the deal."
"Oh...that."
Q stopped painting and sat waiting for me to respond.
"Turns out he didn't want to marry me, he just wanted to use me to make money and get back at me for some invisible thing I did to him. He retaliates when I embarrass him, and I slapped him in front of you."
"So, a slap made him do that stuff?"
"My father has been holding my trust fund over my head all my life, he controls all my money and what I can and can't do. I had to hide glee from him for years. Anyway, Marco gave me a way to pay for my own college and save for the life we want in New York."
"We would have found a way, baby." Britt said, tears staining her cheeks.
"Well now we don't have to, we split the money and I have 255k saved."
The sheer devastation in Britt's face was worth ruining my toes, I stood up and pulled her against my chest as she wept.
"What did you do?" She whispered.
"I slept with and dated guys for money...I was with a woman only once, know that I only want to be you that way."
"Big whoop." She said, and I pulled back, cupping her face and making her look at me.
"B he promised me that he would call off the engagement in exchange for me getting clean and eating."
"That sounds too good to be true, San." Q said as she sat beside B.
"I believe him, okay, we have a sort of truce. I made him a lot of money and scored him a lot of free shit. Plus...one of my guys was the dean of admissions for Columbia."
"Shit." Q said, and I nodded.
"Exactly, he all but told me I'm in so New York is happening and I want you with me, B."
"I hate this so much...I don't want to live off that dirty money, everything we do will just remind me of why we are able to do it. I'll wonder every time you introduce me to someone if they fucked you like I have. I don't know if I can live that way." Britt pushed me back and stood up, "I don't want your money."
"So, what do you want? You want me to donate to charity or invest it...we can leave it alone, I swear please don't pull away from me...please?"
Britt put on her sandals and grabbed her phone.
"I just need some air...just let me think...okay?"
I stood there watching her leave and couldn't even cry about it.
Q's arm hung over my shoulders as we watched the door close.
"She'll come around."
"How do you know?"
"Because she loves you and you'll have to do something really good with that money."
Sure enough, Britt came back an hour later with a flushed face but a smile.
"Does this mean that we can be together this year? Like for real?" Britt asked.
"Yes, baby love, you and me k-i-s-s-i-n-g and all the other good stuff as soon as he calls off the engagement."
"Good!"
"I already planned how I'm going to spend this money if I have to...maybe I'll get a place of my own, so my parents can't control who I keep in my life."
"Yeah?"
"It could be our little love nest, I just need you to be patient. My father is in denial about me being gay. He has been pushing me to marry Marco for years because he refuses to have a dyke in his family and he's not the biggest fan of you being around, being so carefree. It makes him uncomfortable. So, we will cool it at first, just be friends in front of my family but once the engagement is off, I'll wave a rainbow flag so big, they'll see it from space."
"Okay. I will give you all the time that you need Ana just as long as we can be together for real."
"Are you mad about New York?"
"I just don't want to think about it. You did what you had to, so you could get through it but when you talk about it, it feels like you're clawing my heart out of my chest."
"Oh. I'm so sorry, B."
"Yeah I forgave you it's...I just want to put it behind us."
"Me too, B...me too."
Falling asleep wrapped up in Britt's arms felt just right and completely perfect.
There was no other place that I would rather be.
Her forgiveness meant the world to me.
The last night of camp, was the Cheerios time away from Sue.
Sue always left a day early to get everything ready back at school, so we usually just goofed around and pigged out on whatever we could raid from the kitchens.
It was the head Cheerios' responsibility to make sure everyone towed the line. Since that was Q we decided that we would have a talent show, a bonfire, and s'mores!
Britt plugged in my iPhone to a docking station and then turned up Otis by Jay-Z and Kanye. She had gotten the best dancers together and created a kick ass routine.
I swear, I could watch her dance like this forever.
We were all bonded now, just the way Sue wanted us to be so that we could crush anyone who dare oppose us. The ease of the night filled me with so much joy.
The night was a success, as it dwindled down everyone sat around the fire making the s'mores and it was time for the last act. I stood up from the ground and climbed up to the top of our makeshift stage which was the steps of a cabin. I had no music, this was going to be acapella and from my heart.
"This is my favorite song of the moment because it reminds me of my girlfriend Brittany."
By the end of the song most of the Cheerios were starry eyed and Quinn was fiercely texting on her phone. My favorite Cheerio, was smiling widely at me and bouncing up and down in place.
I wasn't sure at first if this was the right venue to woo my lady love, but I figured if we had the full support of the Cheerios then they would rein in their meathead jock boyfriends so when this did become official it wouldn't be so hard. I walked down the steps and opened my arms wide, Britt did a running jump and I caught her, allowing her to wrap her long legs around waist and I smiled as she pressed her lips against mine.
There was a chorus of "awwwws" and immediately I felt more confident about what I had to do when we got back to Lima.
As all the girls cleared out to go pack up the last bit of their stuff, I put Britt back down on her feet.
"So, you liked it?"
"Are you kidding? I loved it! I didn't know you listened to country Ana! I never heard that song before."
I couldn't hold back my smile from her. I loved to surprise Britt more than anything. I knew that I couldn't really explain where my sudden love of country came from because it would bring me back to Marco and we were trying to move past that.
Thankfully!
"Hey where did Quinn go?" Britt asked as we headed back down to the mess hall.
"You know how Q is, she can't handle too many emotions at once. She probably just needed some space."
We walked hand in hand down the hill chatting away about our life together after we escaped Lima, when we heard the arguing.
"I told you not to come here! I could get in so much trouble for this! You would have seen me tomorrow!"
That was Quinn.
"But I had to come and explain my actions in person. I know you Luce, you would have come back home, and I would be at the top of your slushy list!"
That voice was insanely familiar but for some reason I couldn't figure it out. We crept quietly to the side of the building and peaked behind it. There in the shadows of the parking lot stood a crying Quinn and a remorseful Rachel Berry.
I went to confront her, but Britt pulled me back into the shadows. I looked at her confused as to why she would stop me, but she just put her finger to her lips and shook her head.
"You might still be at the top of that list. Did you think that I wouldn't find out about any of it, Rachel? I may be out here in the woods, but I still talk to Puck at least once a day. How could you go back to Finn?"
Quinn ran her hands through her hair and cried out in frustration.
"Luce, this just-fuck look I am not as strong as Santana or as clueless at Brittany."
I tried to step out again, but Quinn beat me to the punch literally. She smacked Berry so hard that her neck snapped to the side.
"Don't you ever talk about Britt like that, you understand? Santana would kick your ass if she heard you! Besides the only clueless one is apparently me. I should have known that you would fuck me over the very first chance that you got, I can't believe that I wasted my summer on you. Get the fuck out of here and when I get back home, avoid me like the plague...is that clear?"
"Crystal."
With that Quinn turned from her and started to walk back towards the front of the building.
"Luce, Quinn please just wait up!"
Quinn whipped back around and pointed her finger at Rachel walking back towards her, getting all up in her face.
"Listen up Man hands" Rachel cowered in fear as the bitch Quinn made an appearance. "You and I are done. You fucked Finn and then you pranced all around Lima and made out with him. If you are back on the slushy list, it's your own damn fault. You are too much of a little chicken shit to realize how amazing we are together. Finn is going nowhere in life. At 18 he has hit his peak! He will be stuck in Lima for the rest of his life reliving the good old days of high school football. You will be stuck there too since you are so obsessed with sticking by his pathetic side. I am leaving Lima and never looking back! So, I hope you are happy!"
"I love you!"
"Say that again and I'll break your nose, I swear to G...you know what, go now."
Britt pulled my arm and we made our way back to our room.
Once we were out of earshot, I pulled Britt against the building into the shadows of the door way.
"Why didn't you let me defend you to the hobbit?"
"Because Ana, that was a private moment and it would have only made everything worse." I nodded and pulled her into a kiss.
"I love you so much Britt! You are so much smarter than me! You are definitely going to get into Juilliard, I'm sure of it!"
Quinn came rushing past us and slammed the door as she stormed back to the cabin. We heard more rustling and then Rachel came stumbling around the corner looking like a mess.
I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her close to us.
"Shit, Santana, Brittany you scared me!" she yelled out.
"You think this is bad RuPaul just you wait and see what happens if you don't fix this shit! Got it?"
Rachel nodded her head as I pushed her back towards the parking lot. "But you don't do it here, you wait until we get back home."
"But I need to explain my actions and what led to them."
Britt smiled at her and then said, "Q has been through a lot, so if you are serious about her please don't hurt her anymore. Go home and let us take care of her tonight."
I grabbed Britt's hand and we pushed past Rachel and went to comfort Quinn.
It was a long night as Quinn lay between us crying and going on and on about Rachel.
My head was pounding.
I couldn't believe that Berry had gotten so deep under Quinn's skin.
Britt held her tight but an hour in, I couldn't take the tears anymore, I was just getting back to myself...it was just too much. Thankfully, Britt had sent me to go get ice cream from the mess hall, so I wandered down there glad to have a break from the madness.
I got the last bit of ice cream and was about to head back to the cabin when I stopped short as I passed the parking lot.
All the lights had shut off and everything was lit by moonlight, Rachel's car sat in the front and inside I could see her sleeping in her driver's seat.
Her arm hung out the window and her mouth hung wide open. I knew that I should stay out of it, but I have never been insanely good with following directions.
So, I climbed into the passenger seat of Rachel's car and slammed the door, jarring her awake and scaring the shit out of her.
"Quinn?"
"You wish Berry."
"Oh God, Look Santana I really would prefer if you stayed out of this. I screwed up and I tried to apologize. Hurting me won't change things. Now please get out of my car or I-"
"What are you going to do call the cops? We are on a mountain Rachel, miles away from civilization and you are in Cheerio territory. They will have my back before yours."
"I have pepper spray!" she said reaching for her keys. "So, don't think of killing me!"
"Can it, troll. I am here to help Q and by default you. Quinn is hurting really bad after what you did, and you need to fix things."
"I know."
"And I told you to go home but since you're here, just riddle me one thing, was sleeping with Finessa really worth it?"
"I'm not so sure anymore"
"That's a no then?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so what are you going to do about it?"
"What is a bigger statement than driving eight hours just to talk to her?"
"You are going about it all wrong! This is what you should do..."