Chapter 13:This is How I Disappear (My Chemical Romance)
"So, are you two official now?" Q asked us as we cuddled into the back row of the bus, claiming the only three-seat bench.
Britt had her arm around me and was playing with my hair.
"Yes." B said while I said, "Not yet." and I immediately sat up and turned towards her confused because I thought I had explained this already.
"What do you mean, not yet, baby?"
"We can't be together, not yet...Marco has to end the engagement first, my parents know about you and me but only sort of. I'm not actually out to them yet. They think I'm just going through a phase."
Britt's face fell but she nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, right. I forgot, it just feels like everyone knows." She looked at Q with a sad face and changed her answer, "No Q...we aren't together."
"Which means that everything has to go back to the way it was before this summer...we can only be friends, right B?"
"Yeah but friends who have sexy times, right?"
Q looked anxious as me and B went back and forth.
"That might have to stop too...just for a bit, I want to be all yours when we are intimate again. If I go home with him, there's certain expectations he has that I'm not going to be allowed to argue. You get that, right?" I asked her, and the tears finally came.
"So, you will still be screwing him?" Britt shrieked and now the whole bus was silent, so much for a peaceful cohesive group.
"He's my fiancé, B, I have that right because in reality it's him that I'm cheating on, not you." I said, wanting her to understand that our time was coming, just not yet. "It's not like I actually love him, but I made a commitment that I have to honor for as long as it lasts."
Quinn looked positively flushed, she'd opened a can of worms and now the temporary bliss we had was fractured only two hours into an eight-hour drive.
"What about your commitment to me, Santana?"
"It's not the same...not yet. He has to come first." My words were choked, how had she turned me down for wheels so easily and then I thought that would be the perfect way to explain it. "Remember when I was ready to be with you and I couldn't because you were already with Artie and before you say it, I know that Marco is just a stupid, stupid boy but I can't be with you while he is still the man my parents think I'm going to marry."
"How long is that going to be...how long will I have to wait for you to be mine?"
"I don't know, B...a month maybe two. Right now, though, you have me...we can enjoy each other until we get off this bus."
"No thanks, I would rather we start this break up now."
"Don't be like that."
"I have that right!" She said, parroting my words back at me.
With that B stood up and walked towards the front and sat down as far away from me as she could.
I felt like I was going to explode but I couldn't not with so many people watching. Things had to be this way and maybe it would take time for Britt to understand that I was breaking my own heart too. She was my endgame, but I had to pretend that Marco was, I had to be his for as long as it took.
What I would do though was try to pin Marco down to a timeline...I needed to be able to give Britt that security.
"You understand what I'm saying, don't you?" I asked Q and she nodded.
"Setting this boundary with her is for the best, it would hurt more if she felt like your dirty secret."
"I love her with my whole heart, Q."
"I know."
"I just want to fix it all but it's not as simple as I wish it were."
"The stuff worth fighting for never is."
Britt lingered on the bus when we arrived at the school, she stayed until it was just the three of us left and I took that opportunity to lean down and steal a kiss from her.
Only she didn't kiss me back.
"I'm serious, I can't be with you." Britt said as she stood up and glared at me. "You're not getting any more sweet lady kisses from me."
Quinn stood by the door waiting for us, not wanting to give anyone like Sue a reason to storm onto the bus.
"For now, right, B?" I asked and the broken look in her eyes said more than anything she could have said.
She glanced out the window and then picked up my left hand, glaring at my ring that I had already slipped back on.
"Your fiancé is waiting for you, I see you're ready to start your life with him instead of me," The ring felt so heavy as she glared at it and then dropped my hand. "Please, don't let me stand in your way."
"B...come on, it's just temporary."
"I want to believe you, but you lie so much, and it just hurts too much. So just leave me alone for good, we're done. Go!" She yelled at me and I flinched.
I hadn't spoken to Marco in over a week, but I knew that when I stepped back into my father's house I was supposed to act like I was reformed. Marco had insisted that if I was going to walk away from this engagement smelling like a rose I had to play the part of a lovesick teenager.
It was going to be a cinch to play lovesick when I had been crazy for Britt for over a year now, but the hard part was going to be channeling all that love towards Marco. Knowing that playing this game meant that Brittany could be my endgame whether she agreed right now or not, I would be the best actress I could be.
Being honest with B had been tough.
Watching her break hadn't helped me feel any hope that this was what was necessary, but I had a plan and she just needed to understand that.
Maybe Q could help her understand or maybe she'd eventually just figure out that this was for my survival and our future together.
Whatever the case ended up being, we had to outwardly return to the way we had been after Nationals, even if she wasn't very happy about the huge step backwards that we were taking, I knew that she was it for me.
She had an easy life where she could be herself always, but I didn't have that luxury.
This was about survival and as much as she loved me, she could not protect me from Papi's wrath.
Only Marco could deliver me from the hurt and pain that my father inflicted, so I needed to lean on him until it was safe to stand on my own two feet with Britt by my side.
It was all just temporary.
When I stepped off the bus I put on my best smirk, not wanting to oversell it and ran right into Marco's arms as if I had been lost without him.
He gripped the back of my neck, rubbing in that spot that always melted me. I could feel her looking at me but there was no hesitation as I pulled back enough to look into his eyes to see if there was any malice or if he was sober.
There was a touch of it, which meant he was coming down.
"I missed you." I said to him and he smiled.
"I'm sure you did. Sobriety and meat look good on you, Princesa."
"Are we back to that?" I asked, and he trapped my lips in another deep and searing kiss. I wanted to give this my all, so I couldn't afford to see how Britt was handling any of this. When I pulled back again, I had to ask him. "Is she watching?"
"It's not about her, tears or not, we aren't alone." He said and then he tipped his head behind him and there, sitting in the car with a grimace on his face was Papi. He was on his phone, but he was watching us.
I gripped the back of Marco's head, yanking on his curls knowing my face was still a mask of smirking and love even though I was terrified.
"How much trouble am I in?"
"I broke down and told him how I was using your bank account to hide money from the IRS. He's annoyed with me but you're in the clear as far as I know."
I rested my head against his chest and took a deep breath.
"Thank God."
"You're welcome...now let's go, he has a surprise for you."
Papi has always been on the sidelines of my life and I have become comfortable with that. I wasn't used to him showing up for something as insignificant as my return from cheer camp but here he was, his face had changed back into one of indifference as I slid onto the back seat.
I leaned forward and kissed his cheek.
"Bendicion, Papi. It's good to see you."
"Dios te bendiga, your future husband here has been anxious to see you all day long, checking his watch and hovering."
"Aww, did you miss me, hubby?" I said, and Marco blushed.
Papi cleared his throat but he was smirking. I felt like we were laying it on thick, but he seemed to be eating it up.
"So, Anita, I realized that I never got to give you a birthday present before you left for New York and I wanted to be with you when you saw it."
"Great! More surprises!"
I rubbed my palms together and feigned excitement when really, I wanted to check in on B, but I had to keep looking forward. Marco was telling us about his newest case at work and I pretended to be interested but with the top down, I had the chance to casually glance around.
When we passed Britt's pickup truck, she and Quinn both looked miserable, B was even openly crying, another luxury that I could never have.
Being able to wear my emotions on my sleeve would leave me vulnerable to my father's ire and I had been on the wrong side of his temper one too many times.
I traced the scar that cut across my palm, that ran from my middle finger to my wrist just to remind myself why smiling and nodding to the conversation in the car was more important than wallowing in self-pity.
And like Papi always says, if an emotion serves no purpose then there is no reason to display it.
Although, he never applied that sentiment to his own anger which he like to show all the time, even though beating me wasn't doing a thing but making me fear him...but knowing him, that was probably the point.
When we pulled up to the driveway, it was next to a BMW identical to Papi's only in black.
"Is that your rental, Marco?"
Papi turned to me and handed me the keys, "That, is your gift, Happy Birthday, Anita."
I threw myself at him and hugged him tight while squealing.
"Can I take it for a ride, maybe go show Quinn?" I asked and they both looked at me weird.
"Lunch first and then you can go hang with your friends." Papi said, "Of course that's if your fiancé agrees, he's the one leaving in the morning."
Marco looked at me with that look and I knew I would have to do something for him before I got to leave but like I told Brittany, this was necessary.
"We'll have lunch, unpack...you'll hang out with me for a little while since you just spent a month with your little friends and then you can go." He was asserting himself in front of Papi and I knew better than to argue.
"You're right, thank you, hubby." I leaned in and kissed his cheek and then Papi's.
This was all a part of the game.
Lunch was pizza and wine, which apparently, I was openly allowed to have now even though it was the smallest glass ever.
I needed to be sober if I wanted to go on a joy ride.
See, I can be responsible!
After we ate, Papi and Mami went to go check in on Abuela, even though they do it every Sunday afternoon today specifically, it just felt like them just giving me alone time with Marco.
I had hoped that our sexual relationship was done but I could tell from the look in his eyes as I unpacked my clothes that it definitely wasn't. He unbuckled his belt and I stood there frozen, that action meant one of two things...a beating or sex.
The look in his eyes gave me no clues.
He undressed and then sat on the edge of my bed with the belt in his hand.
"Come here."
"What are you doing?" I asked, feeling my hands tremble.
"You have some atonements to make, Princesa."
"What do you mean?"
"Strip." He said, that look in his eyes getting harder. "Now."
I took off my clothes and walked over to him, he was getting hard and I was feeling sick.
When I was within reaching distance, he yanked me over his legs and then held me there.
He was tracing the scratches that Britt had left on my back just the night before when we had snuck out of the cabin and had one last moment together.
"We are still engaged, Princesa, which means your body still belongs to me. I do not share you unless someone is paying me to...should I expect a check from Brittany?"
"No, please." I begged.
"The time for begging has passed. How many times did you fuck her?"
"Just the one time, I swear, Daddy." I whimpered and then the belt came down on my ass.
I screamed, and he chuckled.
"That was a lie."
"Sorry sorry sorry...please don't...I've been so good."
"How." Smack. "Many." Smack. "Times." Smack. "Did." Smack. "You." Smack. "Fuck." Smack. "that, Pendeja?" Smack, smack, smack, smack.
"All last week, fuck, I don't know...every day...this week too."
After that he just went off on me, spanking me until I couldn't form words I only had tears and moans.
When he finally stopped, his breathing was labored. He rubbed my ass with his bare hand and then gave one final smack with the belt before he pushed me off his lap.
I didn't have the strength to catch myself, so my body just hit the floor.
When I went to get up he dropped on top of me, knocking the wind out of me.
"On all fours, open your legs. Show me that you remember how to be quiet, Princesa."
"Okay."
"Okay, what?"
"Okay, Daddy."
"Good girl."
I did as he said and then bit my lips through the pain as he took me from behind.
My ass hurt so much but I didn't dare cry out for fear that he'd beat me again.
When he was finished he landed one last smack on my ass and I collapsed onto the floor. I was laying there trying to catch my breath while he just got right back to our conversation like this whole ass whooping and fucking didn't happen.
"Have fun with Quinnie, I might be staying at my Tia's tonight, she's even bribed me by saying she'd make me breakfast and take me to the airport." He chatted with me happily as he got dressed while I just laid there feeling used. Once he was dressed and I still didn't move, I heard him removing his belt again.
"No." I whispered. "I'll do whatever you want...just no more." I begged.
"Good. Get up, I need you to drive me to Lima Heights."
I groaned as I pulled myself to my feet and then shakily looked up at him.
"Can I shower first?"
"So, you can be clean for that whore, no...you will carry me around...maybe you'll even get pregnant and then we can just go back to New York together and start our lives."
"The shot, Marco...you know I can't get pregnant."
"With all the time that's passed, anything could happen."
It felt like he had poured ice in my veins.
"Why are you being like this, I thought we were getting along? You said the marriage wasn't going to happen."
"I am your fiancé, Princesa. I asked you to not fuck with that girl until after the engagement was over, that INCLUDED camp, but you went back on that deal, so I can go back on mine. This is only me letting you know that I still hold all the power, I'm still the one in charge. Got that?"
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. I held up my end of the deal, I got you your stuff that you asked for and lied to your father for you to save YOUR ass. All I asked for was one thing!" He was yelling at me now as his high completely wore off. "Why can't you just be my good girl, huh?"
"I can be your good girl, just tell me what you need, do you need a hit, Daddy?" I asked as I leaned my body against his.
"What I want is for everyone to know who you belong to until I say that we are done."
He gripped my hair and bent my head back, he put his lips against my throat and bit down then sucked, marking me just in case I was going to see Brittany.
"Why don't you just piss on me while you're at it, Daddy-o." I joked, and he laughed.
"I'm not into that although according to a few of your clients, you are if the price is right."
"That was one time, never again!" I said, and he smirked.
"Give me some of your stash so I can deal with my family...it's in your tree house."
"Can you get it while I get dressed, please Daddy-o?"
He slapped my ass and then kissed me hard.
"Make it quick, it's getting late."
My ass was still sore as I parked in Q's driveway.
When I knocked on the door, it was still mid afternoon which meant her mom wasn't home yet. She answered the door in her bikini looking bored.
"Hey." I said, and she opened the door wider to let me in. "I was wondering how long it'd take you to show up, come in."
"Actually, I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a joy ride."
"We just got off a long ass bus ride, why would I want to go for a drive?"
"Come with me."
She huffed and followed me around the house to her driveway.
"Is that...a new car?"
"My birthday gift from Papi."
"What parent gives a teenager a brand-new BMW...wait...right...yours." While her parents were well off like my parents but they believed in that whole thrifty Christian humility. My parents were Roman Catholic...absorbance was a sign of how good God had blessed you. So here I was...showing just what God have given me.
"Want to drive it?"
"No way, I'm not scratching that, I'm still paying off hospital bills from giving birth, but I will allow you to drive me around with the top down."
"My pleasure, Q."
She watched me as I eased down slowly into the driver seat.
"What happened?"
"Marco put me over his knee and reminded me who I belonged to."
"Of course, he did, I should have guessed by the size of that hickey you are trying to cover up."
"He wanted to repay me for fucking B...it's no big deal, I've had worse."
Q shook her head and buckled up.
"I don't know why you put up with him when you don't have to, your parents got rid of him the first time...right?"
"It's different now, back then I wasn't advertising that you and I were fucking."
"And we are still not advertising that."
"Right...just the one time, a billion years ago."
"So...where are we going?" She cleared her throat, changing the subject.
"Where else, to see B."
"In that case, let me out-" She started to say but I tore out of her driveway before she could argue.
We drove around town a bit and then after she was able to confirm that B was home, I headed towards her part of town.
I knew that Britt was upset with me and I just wanted to fix things before too much time went by, so I figured ice cream and a movie on me would fit the bill.
Especially since I had the permission of Papi and Marco.
"Come on Q, let's go drag her out the house if we have to." I said climbing out of the car.
Quinn followed me up to the Pierce's front door and seemed more nervous than I was.
I knocked twice and then waited as I heard footsteps coming down the steps.
Britt opened the door and then promptly tried to shut it, I stuck my foot in the door and all but pushed my way in.
Quinn seemed hesitant but stepped inside behind me.
"You can't even let me have control over whether or not I want you in my house?" Britt shrieked.
"Britt, calm down." I placed my hands on her arms, but she shrugged me off.
"Don't tell me what to do Santana!" she yelled.
"I had to do it, my dad was there! I told you what was going to happen when we came back to Lima!" I pleaded for her to understand.
"And I told you to leave me alone, I don't want to even be your friend. You lied, you do love him."
"I don't, I swear!"
She scoffed. "I saw you and Marco. I saw the look in your eyes when he looked at you. There was love there! You love him, maybe you haven't admitted it to yourself yet but it's true!" She moved my hair away from my neck and rubbed at the makeup there. She let out a whimper as she sniffed me and then took a step back. "We've only been back for two hours and he's already fucked you, marked you and here you are smelling like him and rubbing it in my face. You need to leave."
Huge tears began to make their way down Britt's cheeks as she stood there by her front door trying to avoid eye contact with me. I tentatively stepped closer and placed my hand on her cheek.
She stepped back flinching and held her door wide open.
"I can't do this. Please leave. Quinn you have to go too. Sorry." She wouldn't raise her eyes from the floor as she waited for us to leave. "Go! Now!" she yelled.
Quinn grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door. My foot had barely left the threshold when the door slammed shut.
"Fuck, she nearly got my foot! Shit!"
I climbed back into my car and Quinn sat next to me looking just as miserable as I felt.
"Maybe you should stay with me tonight, I know he's there, but I could really use your company...I need you."
"I can't, Q, Marco won't allow it, he leaves in the morning and he'll want a repeat. It was hard enough getting permission to go for a joyride. It's bullshit but that's just the way things are."
I wiped at my tears as I pulled away from Britt's house.
"Should I be worried?"
"Always, Q."
"Ugh. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid tonight; did he bring you more coke?"
"Of course, he did but look at me now, I'm sober."
She grabbed my hand again and held it in her lap once I had parked in her driveway again. "I know how hard it was for you to come back from the drugs and this is just the thing to send you spiraling back down, don't give in."
"I can't make any promises, Q but I will try to keep fighting."
I pulled my hand back and placed it back on the wheel as I focused on not crying.
"I was afraid you would say that."
"Well, I can't lie to you. Lies have fucked me up too many times and I can't let them fuck up shit with the only friend that I seem to have left. So, I can promise you that much. I will not lie to you."
She leaned over and kissed my lips before climbing out the car.
"I love you, San."
"I love you too, Q...always."
Marco texted to tell me that his Tia begged him to stay and she would, in fact, take him to the airport in the morning, so I needed to behave until he saw me again.
I hadn't had the chance to get a timeline from him, but I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with him randomly spanking me or fucking me tonight.
Once had been enough.
When I pulled up to my house after dropping Quinn off, excited to finally shower, I was greeted by my father standing in the driveway looking livid.
I looked at my dash clock and saw that I was home way early, so it couldn't be that. Then I had to wonder if Marco had avoided coming back over because something big was about to happen because that just seemed like something he would do...just fuck me over because he could.
"Fucking fantastic!" I muttered before climbing out of the car.
"Hi Papi, thank you so much for the car, it drives like a dream."
"Hand the keys over, you think this is all some game and you can play around with me?"
I gripped them tight and waited for him to crack a smile, but he doesn't joke around. He held his hand out to me and I took a chance to question him, something he never liked.
"Wait, did I do something wrong?"
I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall as I placed the keys in his hand. His glare was sour and burning flames.
Once he had the keys, he reached out with his other hand and grabbed my hair, yanking me towards the front door. Papi is much taller than me so I was nearly on my tiptoes as he pulled me along.
What did I do now?
This had to be Marco.
Fuck!
He slammed the door and let go of my hair. When I rubbed my head, I could feel the welts forming but I still quietly followed him as he stormed into his study.
Mami stood by his computer, papers in her hands with tears in her eyes. He gripped up my shirt and brought me over to his computer and pushed the space bar.
A video played of me, in a thong dancing topless on a pole with powder on my face.
It was obvious I was high. Mami handed me the bank statements that they'd been pissed about.
"Explain this!"
I was speechless.
"Where did you get this? Is this from Marco?"
I tried to buy time while trying to come up with an explanation, but it didn't work.
"Don't you play dumb with me Santana; your mother has been sick about the money in your bank account. Marco lied for you at first but when I showed him this video that my colleague just sent me. He finally admitted to me that he offered you a corporate job but that you went off and got one of your own. He says that you refused to let him know what you did for your money. Tell me what summer job can provide you with quarter million dollars? He tried to say he put it there but then I got that video! You had to be sleeping with those men too because being a stripper for two months isn't going to make you that much money! Did you escort too? Hmm?"
Marco had thrown me under the bus again and this time I couldn't even figure out why.
I looked into my father's eyes and I knew that he had in fact been drinking and I knew that no matter what I did this was going to end up with me in pain.
The amount of pain that I ended up with was up to me.
I had to decide which game to play.
So, I chose the game that Noah used, two truths and a lie.
"Yes Papi, Marco did offer me a corporate job." Lie. "I have never worked in a corporate atmosphere." Truth. "I made a bad decision choosing to keep the job I had but I didn't do anything illegal to make that money. Stripping is legal, I don't get what's so wrong with that! So, what if I escorted people to fancy dinners, I'm 18, I was not a prostitute, I swear!" Truthful enough for me.
"So, you needed to be a stripper and only a stripper? What if I told you I have more than one person telling me that you were out on the town, that you were sleeping with men for money?"
Crap.
I hadn't thought this far ahead.
"I swear to you Papi that I worked in a reputable place and was going to take all of this money and put it towards my college education."
"Lies. All of it!"
I tensed up my body and then it came, my father's fist met my cheek and I went sliding across the floor.
When I opened my eyes again he was standing over me.
Because of the force of his punch, my eye was rapidly swelling shut, and everything was blurry.
"I thought for sure that you going off and getting engaged would help you to keep your legs closed but you are addicted to being loose. I will beat it out of you, Santana!"
He raised his hand again, but I covered my face as I got onto my knees, "Please don't, Papi, please!" I screamed.
Praying that he'd at least hit me somewhere my Cheerio uniform would cover.
It was bad enough that school started in a few days and I would probably have to use a shit load of concealer as it was but then he started to kick me.
I felt sick.
My screams filled the house and I was gagging so hard that it even made me sick to hear it.
Finally, I called out for the only person that would try to help me.
"Ma-" I couldn't get it out as another kick hit my stomach, but she had heard me and snapped out of whatever trance she was in.
"Aden! That's enough!", Thankfully, my mom once again was coming to my rescue. "We didn't confront her so that you could beat her!"
What did she think he would do?
"Gladys, it has to stop. None of my other girls are like this. I don't know why I let you stop me from putting her in Catholic school."
He was pissed but he managed to walk away from me.
Thank God!
"Mami…I'm so sorry!" I choked out, trying to catch my breath. Marco's spanking had been nothing compared to the beating I just had.
I was surprised that I wasn't bleeding.
My mom was on her knees beside me wiping my hair out of my face.
"Ay dios mio! Damnit Aden! She has school in four days!" She yelled at my father's back. "How is she going to explain this?"
"She should have fucking thought of that before she decided to take her whorish ways to the big city and get paid for them!"
With that statement he walked out of his study and slammed the door.
"Should I leave?" I asked, and my mom nodded her head.
"Take your old car, you still have the keys?" I nodded. "Well come on then, let me help you up. Go sit in your car and lock the doors, I will pack you a bag okay?"
I looked at the video frozen on my face and then back to my mom.
"I swear I didn't sell myself on the street, Mami. I wouldn't do that! You believe me, right?"
She averted her gaze and just helped me up from the floor.
"We will talk about that another time. Just hurry to the car, I don't want him to see you leaving. One black eye is beyond enough."
I walked out of the house and climbed into my old car and locked the doors just like my mom said, I needed to warn Q that I needed a place to stay but when I swiped my screen it was to a text from her.
Hey S, I am back at Britt's, she picked me up after u dropped me off. She is laying asleep in my lap. I hope u can fix this, we shouldn't both b miserable. Have a good night, ok? I will take good care of your girl, call me tomorrow.-Q
Shit, there goes my bed for the night.
I only had one place left to go.
Hey, can I come over for the night?-S
Yeah, u need me to cum get u?-NoNo
Um…no, I'm on my way. See you soon-S
K. –NoNo
My mom came rushing out of the house and handed me my bag through the window.
"I will call you when it is okay to come home. I put your Cheerios uniform in there just in case you must go to school from Quinn's. Okay? I love you mi'ja!"
She leaned in kissed my cheek and then shooed me away.
When I was backing out of the driveway I saw my dad standing in the doorway looking satisfied with himself.
He was lucky that I was too terrified to go to the cops.
I parked my car outside Noah's and grabbed my bag, I glanced down the street but there was no sign of anyone, I was paranoid that Marco would pop out with his belt.
My stomach was cramping up, my face hurt and even though my ass still stung that I was at least used to.
It was all temporary...maybe a night with Noah was just what I needed, I was counting on him having something to dull the pain.
I knew that I was safe now, but I still felt like I was probably adding fuel to the fire by staying with him, I should have insisted that Q go home.
There's so much I could have done differently today but it seemed that I was just bound to make mistake after mistake.
In a moment of wisdom, I shot Quinn a text before I knocked on the basement door.
It was the least that I could do.
Hey Q, I'm out of the house again. I know you're not home, so I am over at Noah's until whenever. My parents don't know I'm not with you, OK?-S
Shit, I can go home if u want me 2!-Q
No, I'm here already. I just wanted you to know. Don't worry-S
Ok. Did he hit u?-Q
Papi did yea, some kicks and a punch in a visible place, I'll prolly have a shiner tomorrow. My stomach is bruised up too...but I'm fine. /-S
I am coming 2 get u!-Q
No, Britt needs you right now, I'm covered.-S
If u r sure?-Q
I am, if you decide to go home, let me know.-S
Okay, I love you.-Q
love u too-S
"Why are you standing out here? Come the hell in Lopez!"
"Hold your horses Puckerman!"
"I can't hotbox the basement while you're standing up here! Fuck did your dad hit you again?"
Noah lifted my face and then grabbed my hand and pulled me into his basement room.
I threw my stuff down on the pullout sofa and then I was wrapped in Noah's strong hold, it hurt but in a good way. This was what we used to do, Marco would hurt me, and Puck would comfort me. I didn't realize how bad I had wanted to cry until this moment. I let everything out and began to sob into his shirt.
I gave myself only a moment because I didn't want to be pitied.
After that, I stepped back and began to peel off my clothes.
"Whoa, whoa…what are you doing?" Noah stepped back.
"I fucking need you tonight Puck, please! Just get me high and fuck me, please?" I was begging him.
I wasn't sure what got into me, but this seemed like the only way to make myself feel like someone loved me.
"I'm not sure sex is what you need. Quinn told me about your nose candy problem and about you making up with Britt."
He re-lit his joint and then sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at me in my eyes.
I was standing there in nothing, but my bra and jeans and he was looking at my busted face.
"Noah…come on my dad didn't pay for these tits so that you could look me in the eye. Put your fucking pride on hold and just break this off. Please?" he shook his head and then reached for one of his t-shirts.
"Put this shirt on or I'm calling Quinn."
I grabbed the shirt and pulled it over my head, grumbling the entire time.
"Fine but I am still taking off my pants, I can't be comfortable in them." I reached out and snatched the joint from him before he could stop me. "And this is weed, not cocaine. I think I can handle it!"
"Fine but if Quinn asks, you took it from me!"
I shrugged and quickly finished off his joint and then when he rolled a second one we finished that one off too.
"So, Noah, you love me, right?" I said as we played COD for the second straight hour.
"Yes of course I love you Santana! If you weren't a lez I would wife, you up quick!"
"Then why won't you fuck me? Is it my face, am I too ugly now?"
"Even like that, you're hot. I just know that you love Britt and I can't do that to her."
"But we aren't together, as a matter of fact I am engaged to a different person." I said raising up my left hand.
"Hey, both hands on the controller! And I know all about your fiancé, I thought you got wise years ago after all the shit he put you through. What happened?"
"I don't know. I just need this. I won't ask again. I promise!"
"Fine, fuck! Let's go." He said throwing down his controller.
"Really?" I said standing up and heading to his bed.
"Yeah, I mean as long as this is a one time thing and it stays between us, I can't have both Quinn and Brittany on my ass."
I stripped off the remainder of my clothes and pulled Puck down onto me. He kissed my lips and I kissed him back but all I could think about was Britt and how she was laying heartbroken in Quinn's lap. I ran my hands down his bare back and helped him situate himself.
"Last chance to back out…" he said looking me in the eye.
"Just fucking do it Noah!"
I just wanted to forget everything and go back to a time when lying under Puck meant a sense of security and a sense of control.
But before he even went all the way, I knew better.
He entered me, and I immediately felt sick to my stomach, but I wasn't going to stop.
My pride wouldn't let me.
I was going to finish this.
He continued to rut above me with all the energy of an 18-year-old boy but all I could think of is how just last night, I sat in Rachel's car and helped her figure out how to fix this same situation.
How stupid was I?
Before he was finished I shoved him off me and sat up.
"Well, do you feel any better?"
"No, I feel like shit." I muttered.
"Is it inappropriate to say I told you so?"
I slapped his bare chest and climbed out of his bed.
"Ow, what was that for?"
"For being right for once in your miserable life. I'm leaving."
"Remember you asked for it!"
"Shut up, Puck."
"Just covering my ass."
I pulled on my pants and Noah's t-shirt.
I had somehow misplaced my bra and shirt, but it didn't matter, I just needed to get the fuck out of this place.
I sat in my car feeling lost, dirty and alone. What had I just done?
I'm an idiot.-S
Tell me you didn't-Q
I promised you that I wouldn't lie-S
I'm going to kill him-Q
I pressured him not the other way around. I stopped him before he finished.-S
Where are you?-Q
Sitting in my car outside his house, you?-S
I'm standing on Britt's front steps-Q
Can you see me? In my old car.-S
Yeah, drive me home?-Q
Can I stay for a few days?-S
Of course, that's what I meant.-Q
I sat there silently and let the tears soak my cheeks. My face was on fire and when I looked in the rear view I could see that my eye wasn't even open.
I looked like Popeye.
How could a man do this to his own daughter?
I watched as Quinn walked the five houses down and climbed into my car.
She took one look at me and then climbed back out.
"Get out. I'm driving." She came around my side of the car and opened the door.
"Why?"
"Because you are high and you're half blind, Santana." I shrugged and climbed over the console.
"Right...I forgot." I mumbled.
"I thought you weren't going to do anything stupid, San."
"I never promised."