Chapter 14: Fading (Rihanna)

Quinn settled into my driver seat but didn't put the car in drive, instead she turned the car off and turned towards me. I had already begun to drift off, feeling the weight of the day on me but her staring was overwhelming as she waited for me to pay her some attention.

"Yes?" I asked, without looking at her.

"Can you look at me please?" My face was throbbing, but I did as she asked.

"Yes?" I said again as I looked at her tear-filled eyes.

"If you are going to be staying with me, I need you to promise me something."

"Since when have there been rules to stay at your house, Q?"

"There was never a need until now, until the drugs...my mom is already teetering close to alcoholism and I don't think I have the mental capacity to handle you both inebriated."

"Wow. That's...harsh, Q. I'm not an addict. I haven't had coke in over a week!"

"That's not very long and you're high right now."

"I know but pot is different."

"Look, I've never cared if you smoked pot...but that was when it was all you were doing. Now, I'm worried that it won't be."

"Just tell me what you want me to do."

"No coke in my house. If you are going to get high, sleep it off in your car or at Marco's actual house."

"Okay."

"And, no more random sex."

"Why do you care about that?"

"We both know that regardless of this little spat you're having with Brittany, that you two are endgame and I think you should be prudent about who you're sleeping with."

"Prudent...really? Suddenly you're president of the celibacy club again?"

"I might be, look it's not a lot to ask just stop fucking people that you don't need to fuck. Marco, I understand but Puck?"

"That was a bad call, I agree. You got it. Until I can exclusively be with Britt, I will only fuck Marco when necessary...not that he ever really gives me a choice. For you Q, all you have to do is ask, you know that."

Her face went red and then she threw herself against me and hugged me tight.

"Thank you!" When she pulled back she cupped the normal part of my face and gave a sad smile. "I hate that we are back here, I thought it was over. I used to cry myself to sleep every time he was at your house because I knew what he was doing to you."

"Well tonight you won't have to worry, I'll be with you for as long as you'll have me."

"Just please, please be sober and celibate."

"So, become you?"

"It wouldn't hurt."

I couldn't help my laugh and then she was laughing, it felt good to finally smile, even though the undercurrent of why we were even having this conversation still lingered heavy on me.

By the time we got to Quinn's the day was settling over me like a layer of grime, covering my skin.

I just wanted to take a shower and sleep. I had never felt so over it all, back in New York I had fucked seven men in a row and felt a million times cleaner than I did at that second.

My face hurt so much that all I could do was keep my eyes closed until it was necessary to open them again.

When Quinn finally put the car in park, my head was pounding and the last thing I wanted was to be interrogated but that was just her style.

"So, did you fuck Noah or not?"

"You didn't tell Britt where I was did you?" I asked, ignoring her question.

"Of course not, she was upset enough. We really shouldn't have shown up at her house like that, she came here to tell me off and to look for you."

"How did you end up back at her place?"

"Well she was drunk and shouldn't have driven here in the first place, I took her home."

"Oh."

"So, are you going to answer my question?" Q asked as I grabbed my bag from the back seat, feeling even worse for hurting Britt so bad that she thought it was a good idea to drink and drive.

"Kinda." I shrugged, "I don't know what came over me. Marco had made me feel worthless and then my dad made me feel like a whore...so I just felt like I needed someone to show me some love."

"But you stopped it before it started?"

"Well not exactly. He was going to town already, you know how he jerks but between my stomach hurting, my ass stinging, and the fact that it only made me feel dirtier, I pushed him off me."

"Good, sleeping with Puck is never going to be the answer to your problems."

"Ain't that the truth."

Quinn seemed anxious as she opened the front door as if Russell would be waiting and I hoped to God that he wasn't.

She sighed with relief when Judy came out of the kitchen with a smile on her face but then she took one look at me and her face dropped.

We hadn't talked since that night I was in the hospital and just one look from her brought tears to my eyes.

I dropped my eyes, but she tilted my chin up. "Aden or Marco?"

Quinn scoffed, and I glared at her, Marco hadn't hurt me, not really. The spanking was annoying, but it hadn't been hard enough to bruise, his hits were no worse than the smacks me and Q traded back and forth.

Suddenly I felt defensive of Marco because in this case the unforgivable hurts were from my father.

"Papi."

"Is it just your face? You know what come sit in the living room while I get you some ice."

"Mom she probably wants to shower first, she's been...busy."

While I glared at Q, her mother raised an eyebrow. My friend was essentially telling on me to her mother like I was a child.

"Oh...is Marco in town?"

"He is...he didn't let me shower and then I..."

"Go ahead and tell her, it's not like I she won't torture it out of me eventually." Q grumbled.

"I messed around with Noah, but it didn't get very far...Q's right, I think I'd like to shower first."

"Alright, you go shower, I'm going to make some dinner and call your mother to let her know that you arrived safely. I'll have Quinnie bring up some dinner and ice."

"Thanks, Judy."

The water beat down on my aching body as I washed away all the things that made me feel unworthy and unclean.

My stomach was turning purple and my scalp was tender, the bulk of the pain though was my face. It felt broken but when I had looked in the mirror, my surgeon father hit me hard enough to bruise but not break.

He knew better, even drunk, he knew the value of his hands. A full force punch could have blinded me and broken his hand. When I came out of the shower, Q was standing there holding my towel knowing that this was the only way I'd let her see the extent of the damage.

A doctor in the making, she wanted to know everything about my injuries.

"He got you good this time...dry off so that I can see if this is more serious."

"It's not like I can go to the hospital...not in this town."

"Exactly, so it's best to check now so we can get in the car and head somewhere out of his reach if necessary."

I patted myself dry because everything else hurt and then followed her into her room, so she could examine me further. Quinn put on her rarely used glasses and then lightly touched my stomach. I bit my lip, annoyed with myself by being turned on by her touch...this was NOT the time or the person.

"These bruises are superficial, doesn't look like internal bleeding, that man could teach a class on how to bruise properly. He had to be wearing house slippers, right?"

"Really, Q and yes, he was. Why are you admiring my father kicking my ass? It's weird."

"Hey...I am not admiring him, he disgusts me. I just like to kick ass from time to time, I mean, I kicked yours." She frowned.

"You did not, I am a secretly submissive person and you were my captain...I couldn't completely be all Lima Heights on you."

"It's less of a secret than you think and I'm more Lima Heights than you are, rich girl. From the looks of these red marks on your ass, they won't bruise. Was it just play or was he really beating you?"

"He seemed really happy afterwards, it may have been his version of playing around and I won't lie...I was really wet afterwards."

"Gross...way too much information."

"Says the girl that is literally examining my naked body...have you no boundaries? I thought you wanted us to be prudent?"

"Not US, I want you to be prudent besides, once you push a person out of your body, nudity starts to become secondary. I just needed to know you're okay."

"Are you done, I'm getting cold."

She stood up and took my face in her hands.

"Your face got the worst of it; some ice and concealer should take care of it pretty well."

"Thanks doc, do I get a lollipop for my troubles?"

Q dropped a quick kiss on my lips and then winked.

"Nope, that's all the sugar you get. Get dressed so we can go submit to Judy's interrogation...you know she's even worse than me."

"Ugh...I guess that's the price for her letting me stay...you think she made us drinks?"

"There's no doubt that she's got the wine ready, but you should maybe skip it...or have just one glass."

I leaned forward and kissed her back, making her blush and then winked. "Have I ever told you how much I love it here, I should move in."

"Fuck no...I see you enough as it is. I love you, but I don't think we could ever live together long term."

"We'll see about that."

The first day of school was always a formality of getting your schedules and uniforms for whatever club you were in, so like always, there was a big party the night before knowing none of us would have to pay attention in class the next day.

Three days at Q's had been just what I needed after everything.

We got our nails done, tanned by her pool, and my bruises had some time to heal. I was being as prudent as possible. Aside from the glass of wine that I shared with Judy while she asked me way too many questions, I hadn't had a drink. It felt good to be clear headed, but I was getting an itch for something.

Having no stimulants at all was starting to get old all too quickly and to add insult to injury, Britt still hadn't answered my calls or texts. I caught Q on the phone with her more than once but whenever I asked to speak to her she suddenly had to go, and Q must have warned her that I was staying at her house because B hadn't shown up.

Meanwhile, I had talked to Marco at least once a day, always him checking in to make sure that I wasn't with Britt and even after I explained that we ended it, he just didn't trust that I wasn't lying to him. He'd call at random times and always it was to me without Brittany.

It got to the point that he asked me how she was, and I burst into tears, telling him how I missed her and asking when this fake engagement would be over, so I could make things right with her. He kept saying soon and I would tell B that in my messages to her, but she never answered so I just had to settle in myself that things were really over between us.

What a way to start the epic senior year we had planned. Now I just needed to have some fun at the party, be my same old Santana self, being hot and all around fuckable without messing around. I had to keep my word to Q and frankly, there was no one else I would rather be with.

The big party that night was at Azimio's and since he lived a few doors down from Q's there was no question that we were going.

My mom still hadn't called me to come home so for the time being, I was an honorary Fabray and I was trying to fit the part. I cleaned up after myself, kept the swearing to a minimum and I have only bugged Quinn a little bit. We were working on being fashionably late to the party as I stood in the bathroom finishing my eyeliner. Covering the bruise had been fairly easy since it was starting to lighten but the puffiness around my eye meant that putting on the makeup was a whole fucking production.

I had just finished when Q opened the door looking hot af.

"Hey San, Britt is on her way inside. She wants to see you."

"Why, I thought she hated me?"

"I may have let it slip about your black eye."

"Either you did or didn't. Which is it?"

"I did."

"Bitch." I muttered with the door still firmly closed.

"I heard that."

"Good! You suck sometimes, Fabray."

"I won't apologize for keeping the lines of communication open."

"Whatever Q, tell her I will be out in a sec, I have to get this eyeliner perfect. Thanks to your ice therapy, you can barely see it anymore."

"Ana? Please can I see you?" My heart sank to the pit of my stomach at her calling me Ana again. I missed my name on her lips more than cocaine or gratuitous sex.

Why does she have such a hold on me? I double checked that Marco's hickey was fully covered this time and then swung the door open and there in front of me stood Britt looking gorgeous in her cut off shorts and belly shirt.

She had made her height even more distinguishable with the amazing pair heels that I bought her on my birthday shopping spree.

"The shoes look great on you B."

"You think so? I mean you bought them so of course they're beautiful but I wasn't sure if I looked good in them."

"You look amazing." I said, my voice dropping low as my eyes skimmed her body. I felt like she had done this on purpose, dangled herself in front of me as a reminder of what I couldn't have.

"Hmmm?"

"You look amazing in them. Totally fuckable."

She laughed to herself.

"You would know, wouldn't you." she mumbled, and I blushed. Then her next words made my heart drop. "How's Puck by the way?"

"What?"

"Did you know that Puck's sister Abby is in one of my dance classes and that he tells her way too much info? Small world isn't it?"

Fuck, she knew!

I turned back to the mirror and attempted to find some flaw in my makeup, but I didn't see anything. It was one thing to fuck my fiancé, it was another altogether to turn down her sexy times and go try to fuck Noah.

"Well it didn't happen...we stopped before it got too far."

"But you started though...right?"

I kept looking in the mirror trying to find something to fix but I had done an amazing job.

"Look at me Santana. You already know that you look flawless."

"Britt I um we didn't go all the way because I regretted it instantly...I was in a bad place."

"You don't have to explain anything to me." She said holding her hand up. "We are both single. Fuck who you want. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay after your dad...but you seem fine. So, I will see you at the party."

Britt left me standing there feeling like a total ass.

Quinn popped her head around the corner.

"I was going to warn you but then she showed up and insisted that she talk to you in person."

"Are you ready? I needs a drink and I needs it now."

"So, you don't plan on taking it easy tonight?"

"I don't fucking think so, no worries I won't smoke or snort anything."

"Good...Just remember we have school tomorrow and Cheerio practice at 6 am sharp. I will make you run laps whether you're hungover or not."

"Perfect we have ten hours, I only need three!"

"Well I'm ready."

She looked annoyed, but she tried to smile. I should have known that it wouldn't last long and that she would eventually complain about the way that things were. Q and I walked arm in arm down to Azimio's with her face like stone. I should have just ignored it but then she would have been glaring at me all night, holding back her annoyance and then I would get annoyed. So, I just asked because I couldn't take it anymore.

"What's wrong?"

"I hate when you two fight. I don't like being in the middle. I don't want to have to choose."

"We all know it's me you're choosing...why does it matter any way?"

She dropped my arm and took a step back looking at the part of my face that was swollen.

"Right about now I'm not so sure that's true."

"Well fuck you too, Fabray."

I headed into the house without her by my side with my need for a drink more important than anything or anyone else.

The house was almost full, but I still managed to make it to the kitchen with ease.

I was three shots into a fresh bottle of tequila when Quinn and fucking Britt found me. They were glaring, ready to attack me for having a good time. I turned my back on them and had a fourth shot. The burn in my throat was helping to wipe away the bitterness that I felt towards everyone who was trying to control me.

Quinn grabbed a beer, but Britt leaned in and grabbed the fifth shot from my hand and downed it herself.

"There are like a million other shot glasses in this kitchen, B!" I slurred.

"Yes, but this was the only one you were using. It's my way of making you to slow the heck down."

"I already have a shitty mother, an abusive Papi and a controlling Daddy, I don't need another person controlling me, thanks!"

I laughed, at the thought because even Q had some level of control over what I was doing. I just would never get peace and it made me feel like breaking but instead I raised the whole bottle to my lips while pushing past my two bodyguards. The heat of the living room hit me immediately as I tipped the bottle and took a long pull at it.

My throat was burning, and my eyes began to water but I needed to black out badly.

I had almost finished the newly opened bottle before it was ripped from my hand by Quinn, I went to protest but was then grabbed by the arm and dragged back into the kitchen by Britt.

"B, please!"

"Please don't be rough like everyone else."

"I'm not I just want you to relax."

"How can I? Q is sick of me and you hate me!"

I was an emotional drunk and now the tears were coming.

"No, I don't hate you. I just need to look out for me and even though I broke up with you, I still won't let you go back to that dark place."

She looked like she was in physical pain.

I hurt her way too much.

And it killed me inside.

"Too late for that Brittany, I just can't stop myself from fucking up!"

"Come on, let's go back to Quinn's, coming here was a bad idea."

"No. I want to find Puck." I said, knowing that was the only way to get her to back off.

"Why so you can go off and fuck him again?" And it worked like a charm.

"Yes, if you must know!"

"Please don't throw up your walls, this isn't you."

"You don't fucking know me!"

"Fine. I give up! Do what you want, Santana. I tried and now I'm done!"

"Good! Go! Because I plan on looking out for me too!"

She left me leaning against the counter that held all the booze.

I found another bottle and opened it and swiftly took another two shots. My head was swimming as I steadied myself on any solid surface. When I felt stable enough, I stumbled out into the party ready to dance my heart out and then I blacked out.

I woke up shivering and naked in a room that was definitely not in Quinn's house, but I had to hope that maybe it was, and I disoriented. I wiped at the crust in my eyes and stared out the window. It was still dark out but when I reached for Quinn, I was met with a big fat sweaty stomach.

No!

Fuck!

No!

I turned my head and there was nasty ass Azimio snoring and drooling into my hair. I should have gone home with Brittany or Quinn, this was not my intention. Of all people Azimio falls below all the guys, including Kurt, on my list of dudes I'd fuck. My stomach turned, and I jumped up, yanking my hair from under his face, he was so far gone that he didn't even budge. My mouth and throat were on fire, my legs felt sticky and I knew for a fact that I had gone too far with him. What the fuck had I been thinking?

I found my shoes and pulled down my dress, my panties were long gone, and I wasn't up to searching for them. I didn't bother putting my shoes on, instead I clutched them to my chest and crept down the stairs. There were a few randoms passed out on the couches but mostly the house was deserted.

I had lost a contact and was half blind at this point, but I knew Quinn's neighborhood almost as well as my own. I felt so disgusting as I made my way to her house, knowing that she was not going to let this go and I may have just made myself homeless. The whole neighborhood was dark but when I got to her house, I could see that the light in her bedroom was still on, thankfully.

I tried the door, but it was locked, and the spare was missing from under the mat, which meant she didn't want me to sneak in, she wanted to KNOW when I got home by taking away the spare she was making me to have to knock but before I could the door was yanked open.

"Where the heck have you been Santana?"

The thought of that fat ass with his hands all on me, made my stomach lurch. I pushed past Q and climbed the steps two at a time.

"I made it!" I mumbled before throwing my guts up.

I spent a while with my face in the toilet bowl.

When I started to dry heave, I rested my head on the seat, I faced the tub and then I remembered why I avoided Q's personal bathroom and used the one in the hall.

My miscarriage. I was still drunk and weepy, so it's no surprise that Quinn found me curled in a ball on the floor, shaking and crying.

"Shit! San get up come on."

"No."

"Come on you have to get some rest, we have practice in three hours."

Quinn peeled me off the floor by threatening to call Britt to deal with me, that was the last thing I wanted. I reeked of sex and vomit, I was not worthy of her to even look at, let alone touch.

I made it to her bed and closed my eyes for a second before I was woken up again by B.

"Come on Santana, get up, we are going to get in the shower."

"Together?"

"Yes. You kind of smell and I know that you can barely stand up on your own."

Never had Britt's hands felt so clinical and cold when she touched me. She barely looked me in the eyes as her fingers lingered on the bruises on my stomach and ass. When I glanced at her sad face when her thumb grazed what was left of the hickey. I felt so exposed in the face of her. She was seeing me as I was, with no fluff after dealing with both my father and Marco. What was left of the innocence she had when it came to me was gone. I stood there and silently prayed that God would fix this.

She even scrubbed my scalp, leaving my hair curly around my face. Even with careful fingers washing me clean, it made me feel even dirtier.

Once we were out of the shower, she helped me into my uniform but barely said a word to me. The more she did for me the worse I felt even when she began to put my hair up in the regulation pony tail which I would have to make into a bun because my hair was is in no state to wear out.

"You should get to work on your makeup Santana, your bruise is showing, and I can never fix it like you. Oh, and I hope that you remembered the drug test this morning so drink plenty of water. I have to go"

"Thanks, B."

"You're welcome." She kissed my forehead and then wiped her tears away before leaving me in the bathroom to deal with my makeup.

I was so ashamed.

My mind was foggy as Quinn drove. She kept sighing, but she wouldn't talk to me.

"Can we grab coffee?" My throat was hoarse as I spoke, and she sucked her teeth before turning in the opposite direction of school and to the drive through of the Lima Bean. I offered to pay for her coffee, but she just ignored me and just paid for both of our drinks. "Thanks." I said but still she was silent.

The more coffee she had in her though, the calmer she seemed to become by the time we got to school, she seemed ready to bring my world crashing down.

"I think you need to pull Sue to the side and let her know about that little slip up of yours."

"I think she will be able to tell that I'm hungover, Q."

"No, I was referring to you getting high last night."

"I didn't get high, did I? I don't remember smoking."

"Weed will do that to you."

"Not funny Quinn."

"I wasn't meant to be, before I left you in the backyard of Azimio's you were smoking and drinking."

"Well I guess you won, you are permanent captain and I'm off the team."

"I didn't want to win Santana. I was more than happy to let you have the captainship back."

"Sure, you were."

"I was!"

"Why didn't Britt come with us?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"She just stayed over to help you get ready."

"Stayed over? Really?"

"I can't believe you don't remember."

"What is there to remember?"

"You cried yourself to sleep in her arms last night, San. She got you up and got you ready and then drove home to get herself ready."

"She's going to be late for practice though, why would she do that for me?"

"Don't be dumb, San, obviously it's because she still loves you more than anything else, which you seem to keep forgetting."

"How many days have we been back from camp Santana?" I had my head down as coach spoke in an angry tone.

Thankfully though, for my hangovers sake, she wasn't yelling.

"Four days coach."

"And you're hungover?"

"Yes coach."

"Have you gotten high?"

"Yes coach."

"I hear that it was with Puckerman."

"Um, I'm not sure coach." I wouldn't throw him under the bus.

"You don't need to cover for him, Lopez, just like you he has been suspended from the football team."

"You are suspending me?"

"Effective immediately, you are off the team. I want that uniform by days end."

"But coach I was honest with you."

"Yes, and I applaud you but that doesn't change the fact that you are reckless and a threat to my Cheerios."

"When can I come back?"

"In January you can take another drug test before trying out for your old spot."

"What?" I stood up knocking my chair over.

I was furious, but I was no match for Sue Sylvester.

"Get out of my office Lopez, before I rescind my generous offer."

I was dumbfounded but I knew that I deserved it, all I had to do was just stay clean for four days. Papi was right, I was too loose, too rebellious. I deserved everything that I got. I was feeling sorry for myself as I headed to the locker room to change. I pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that I kept in case of emergencies, wishing that I had something cuter, but this would have to do.

As I peeled off my uniform and changed into my regular clothes I felt even emptier than I had before. It was different being at school out of uniform when it was my choice, but this was just all wrong. I hated losing the little bit of control that I had.

I stuffed my uniform in a laundry bag and dropped it on the floor outside of Sue's office not sure if I would ever have the chance to wear it again or if I'd even wanted to. We were at school so early that there wasn't much else to do but wander, so I walked the empty hallways and found Noah sitting on the floor beside my locker.

When he saw me, he jumped up and looked me up and down.

"You got suspended from the Cheerios, didn't you?"

"Yep. I didn't rat on you though NoNo, I wouldn't do that just, so you know."

"Wow, I haven't heard that name in ages."

"Well, it's always been our thing, our code names remember?"

"Sure do, TT!"

"Ha! So how did they find you out?"

"I failed the drug test. Usually I cheat and use Finn's stuff, but they patted us down first and then hovered near the urinal. It sucks but we will get back on the teams." he smirked and wrapped his arms around me. "So, I was hanging around for a reason, are you ready for more bad news?"

"What?"

"Before I turned in my uniform I heard Azimio and Perkins telling the guys how they double teamed you last night."

"What?!"

"Is it true, TT?"

"I don't remember last night, NoNo. If I was waking up with anyone...it should have been you and not Azimio! Where were you last night, you usually keep me from doing stupid shit."

"Shit. Sorry I wasn't there last night, Mom made me stay in. What are you going to do? It's going to be all over school by the end of the day."

"Ugh!"

I kicked a random purple piano blocking the hallway and headed off to the bathroom, telling Puck that I need to clear my head.

This was the last thing that I needed.

If the school knew, then Marco would soon know, and it was my ass!

My legs ached as I sat in a bathroom stall trying as hard as I could to remember the night before, but I couldn't remember Azimio or Perkins or crying in Britt's arms.

I needed damage control or any control, I was unraveling.

Even though I made a promise to Q, I couldn't do this prudent bullshit much longer.

I need you, Daddy-o.-Ana

What do you need-Marco

You know what I need and there's no way I can get into the treehouse.-Ana

I'm in New York.-Marco

Please! I will do whatever you want.-Ana

Fine. You will be glad to know that some of what you need is sitting in the glove box of your new car.-Marco

My dad took my keys.-Ana

I left my spare in the kitchen, check the junk drawer. I will see you this weekend make it last so you can do what I want.-Marco

I didn't respond to his text.

There was no need.

He was going to have his way with me and I was agreeing to it.

I had needs and so did he if I was going to skirt Q's rules I might as go all the way.

Now I just needed to see if my father was home because I didn't want to have to deal with him.

"Hello?"

"Mamí, is he home?"

"He just left for a conference in Memphis last night."

"Can I come home yet or is it a quick conference?"

"Come home, he's supposed to be there a week and then a week in Atlanta, I am headed to work and should be home at six if you want to come by then."

"Thanks, Mami, see you tonight."

I hung up and found Puck messing around on his guitar in the choir room.

"Drive me home."

"What? School starts in like 30 minutes."

"I just need to grab something while my dad isn't there. Please?"

"Did Quinn drive you here in your car?"

"And she has the keys so I am at her mercy...you know how shitty that feels. Pretty please?"

"Fine but no fucking around!"

"What could I possibly fuck around with? I already have Q on my ass, I don't need you to be too."

"Just...take it easy, that's all I'm asking."

"I know...sorry, I'm just on edge and I might still be a little drunk."

"No more parties without me, okay?"

"Yeah...okay." I muttered as I climbed into his truck, with only one thing on my mind.

When we got to the house I told Noah to wait in his truck because I wasn't sure who was home.

I dashed into the kitchen and grabbed the spare key reset the house alarm before I went into the garage, through the house so Noah couldn't see me. My heart skipped when I saw my new car, I missed her so much and it had only been four days. When I climbed in, the seat hugged my ass and the smell was so clean. If only I could pull up to school in it but I needed to focus, time was running out so I unlocked the glove box and then began to search.

In the back I found a little black velvet bag, I glanced around outside the car even though I knew that I locked the garage door and then I dipped my finger in and brought it to my nose.

"Here goes nothing"

I smiled to myself and then snorted, the rush reminded me of the reason there'd been an unease in me since camp.

Why did I give this up again?

The Cheerios?

What a joke!

After two more quick hits, I tucked the bag in my sneaker like Marco showed me and then climbed out the car.

I headed back in the house and remembered that I didn't have my book bag, "Perfect!" when I had my bag, I made sure to put the keys back in the drawer where I found them because I didn't want my mom to realize that I had been there without permission.

"See I told you I would be quick!"

"What did you just do and that wasn't really quick."

"I had to grab a tampon and I needed my book bag."

"Oh." he looked uncomfortable, quickly forgetting his interrogation.

When we got back to school I headed straight to the bathroom and took another hit.

I wiped my nose and then took a deep breath before heading to my first class. Sitting there with the drugs rushing through my system, I avoided looking at Brittany who was right next to me. She didn't look at me even once but my eyes never left her legs. I couldn't stop thinking about having them wrapped around me.

After that wasted class, I sat in my math class and zoomed through the worksheets feeling like I was on speed even if I felt like I was moving in slow motion and everything was just speeding by.

Before I knew it, I was in glee club at the end of the day just staring off, occasionally staring at Britt. I had taken another a hit just before so I was horny and spacey. I lost count of how many hits I had taken but it may have been more than I had done in a really long time.

It wasn't until the final bell rang and Quinn was hauling me to the parking lot that I kind of came back to myself.

She shoved me into the car and slammed the door.

I heard the back-door slam and then we were in Quinn's room.

I just couldn't keep up as I kicked off my shoes and rested on her couch. I needed another hit but I couldn't do it in front of her so I just closed my eyes and tried to nap only she had me gripped up suddenly, my face inches from hers.

"Answer me Santana! Where did you get this?"

My eyes snapped up to the bag Q was dangling in my face.

My head hurt and my world was spinning and a warm trickle was coming from my nose.

"Shit, B, grab me some tissue her nose is bleeding."

"B?" I hadn't seen her standing next to Quinn. I didn't want her to see me like this. "Sorry sorry sorry."

"Yea" she said with a level of sadness I had never heard. "So am I."

"Then, why are you even here, Britt?" I couldn't hold back my bitterness as I snapped at her.

"You just don't get it do you?"

"Get what Britt?"

"Just forget about it, obviously you don't care enough to pay attention to what is going on around you. You are just so damned selfish!"

"So are you, B. Just go away already!" She looked like she was going to cry at any moment but I knew that she wasn't going to give me the satisfaction.

She stormed out of the room and I could hear her in the hall arguing with Quinn.

"I am totally done with her. She can do what she wants. I'm through with this shit."

"But Britt! She needs you."

"Impossible. She needs someone like Marco or like her father, someone who chews her up and spits her out just like she has always done to other people!"

"I need you…" I whispered as I heard the front door slam.

I wanted to go after her but she was already gone.