Chapter 15: I'm Like a Bird (Nelly Furtado)

After Britt left, I just sat there staring at nothing, feeling so broken down.

Quinn held me against her as I wept yet again. She was rubbing my back and saying sweet little things but none of it very helpful.

"I'm so sorry for all of it Q...I was doing so good and then poof, I fucked up again."

"I know."

"And now you're going to kick me out because I broke both of your rules and I deserve it."

"I'd never kick you out, even when I want to."

I pulled back and wiped at my face. I had wallowed enough.

"Thanks, Q."

"It can't happen again, okay? This is it for me...I need to focus on Yale and passing my classes."

"Okay...I'll be better, I swear."

"Oh honey, stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Telling on yourself."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Every time you lie...every single time you have even a little bit of you that isn't telling the truth you oversell yourself."

"Meaning?"

"I'll do better, I swear. I won't get high anymore, I swear. I won't do this or that, I swear."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"I'm sorry, Q."

"You always are..look Russell is coming over tonight for family dinner. You were invited by mom but I think you should stay upstairs and sleep off the rest of your high."

"Ok."

"I love you, San but I need you to be on time out."

"I deserve it. Can you hold that baggie for me?"

"No. I'm tired of policing you, it's time that you put on your big girl panties and not lean on me or B. We have shit going on too."

I managed to take a cat nap in Q's bed before dinner started but once I knew they were all down there, eating together having family time, I couldn't sleep any longer.

My high had long since worn off and even though Quinn shoved my baggie into my hands, I just didn't feel like using. Nothing felt right anymore, I just wanted to be wrapped up in Britt's arms, forgetting the world and all the stupid shit I'd done.

I was drifting in and out of sleep but really, I couldn't do anything but think of Britt.

Britt Britt, I love you. Text me back-Ana

I was an ass, please forgive me? i'm sorry!-Ana

I got no response to that message or the dozens like it. I was about to write another message when my phone began vibrating.

"Hello?"

"Ana? Its Mami. Where are you?"

"At Quinn's you told me six."

"Well I need you to come home now, we really need to talk."

Great another talk!

"Right now?"

"Yes. Get here as soon as you can, I need to get back to the office to prepare for a deposition tomorrow."

"Okay, I'm on my way."

I grabbed my keys and crept down the steps, hoping not to disturb the awkward dinner but of course luck hasn't really favored me lately or ever at all, if I'm completely honest.

As I approached my car with all my things shoved in my backpack, Quinn came running after me.

"Where are you going?"

"My mom wants me to come home."

"For good?"

"Although, I am sure you would like that right about now, I don't know yet. I will text you, if I need to come back. Thanks for everything. I'm sorry for today. I really am. I love you, Q."

"Um, yea, okay. I love you too, San."

She hugged me and then ran back to the house.

I know that it was probably Judy that had sent her to ask but knowing Q she didn't want to hurt me. They would never turn me away but I had the feeling that I was quickly wearing out my welcome as a Fabray and it was my own damn fault.

I pulled into the driveway and was thankful that just my mom's car sat there.

Although, I grew up in the house I wasn't sure if I should knock or just walk in, there are very few places that I feel welcome anymore. So, I knocked a little and then pushed the door open. The house felt just empty as I did, how fitting.

I found my mom in the kitchen sitting at the island drinking a cup of coffee.

She looked up at me and gave me a soft smile.

When she stood and tilted my head to have a better look at my face, I flinched away. I was seeing a whole different side of her and she seemed nervous. Something was definitely up.

"Hi, mija. Do you want anything to drink? Café?"

"Café, please?"

She fixed me a cup of café con leche and then sat back down.

"You look okay, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit...I just pissed off my only friends and Britt and I are over."

She actually looked upset about it.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I know that you love her, if it's meant to be you'll find each other again."

"I hope so. Are you still upset with me, Mami?"

"You are a woman, Santana and while I may not like something that you have done, I trust that I raised you well enough and trust you to do what you think is best for your own life."

"You're serious?"

"En serio, your father and I don't agree on everything."

"Thank God for small miracles. Is he still angry?"

"He says that he's washed his hands of you and wants you to go live at Marco's house."

"In New York? I still have school."

"No, in West Lima."

"Not happening."

"That's what I told him, maybe there will be another option soon enough."

"And what does that mean?

"I have news about your father."

"What is it?"

I didn't want to push her but I hated when she went on and on instead of getting to the point.

It was infuriating.

"He got a job offer in Atlanta and he took it."

"Wow. What's the job?"

"Chief of Staff, his dream job."

"So, we're moving?"

"Well, no, not quite."

"I don't think I understand, Mami."

"He is moving and will visit on his off weeks or weekends. I am staying until you graduate and then I will follow him."

"Wow. I can't believe this."

"Me either." She said excitedly. "He's needed to get out of this town and I could use this as a chance to grow my practice."

"Is that all you called me for?" I was annoyed with her. "This could have been a convo over the phone."

"No, I called you because I want you here with me. I love Judy but a girl needs her mother."

"What about when he comes home?"

"We will cross that bridge when we get there, at most you will just spend a few nights at Quinn's."

"I think I'm wearing out my welcome there."

"Well, there is always Marco's place in West Lima."

"You know what Mami, how about this. You move to Atlanta and I will just move to West Lima, full time."

"Alone?"

"Alone? Seriously? My whole life has been spent taking care of myself, that's probably why I keep screwing it up."

"We've been here, Santana."

"Barely."

"Ay, Anita, we did the best that we could, I'm sorry if that hasn't been good enough."

"Like you said, I'm an adult, I don't need to keep worrying about how I was raised. It's too late."

"It doesn't have to be, say you'll stay?"

"When can I move back in?"

"Tonight, I will be in the office until late tonight and probably the rest of the week but when we can, we can cook together like old times."

"I'll be in my room have a good night, Mami."

I climbed the steps, suddenly feeling weary.

Had it only been four days since I had left the Poconos?

Camp just seemed like a lifetime ago!

I shut my door and took off my clothes.

I felt so tired and lonely.

As I stepped out of my pants the baggie fell out. I stood there and looked at it, contemplating whether I should take a hit or not.

There was no one here and there was no one to judge me.

So, I poured out two lines and snorted them in quick succession. My heart sped up and my head seemed to clear up a bit.

My room was just as I left it, a huge ass mess. With a sudden burst of energy, I began to clean like my life depended on it.

I cleaned until I was sweaty and the sun had set, when I was done I just stood there taking in the quiet, wishing that Britt was here.

She'd probably be making me watch Sweet Valley High or filling us up with junk food because the first practice of the school year was always brutal.

I sat on my bed again and stared at the baggie, it stared back at me willing me to have some more but I had enough today. I wanted to be able to sleep and there was no way that was happening if I took another hit.

So instead, I thought it would be a good time to tie some loose ends.

Hey Q, I'm moving back home for now. Hopefully I can give you the space you need.-S

I'm sorry again-S

Ok-Q

Love you.-S

She didn't respond.

Well shit.

My world was becoming paper thin, thanks to my actions I was losing people left and right.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

Britt, I'm not asking you save me, maybe just still love me. Please? I was dumb. I'm back home for now.-Ana

Save u from what? May b Im the 1 who needs 2 b saved. I'm sure Q is happy.-B

Ouch.-Ana

Maybe for tonight you could come stay, no sex, I promise. Can you just come hold me?-Ana

Idk.-B

Okay. I understand. sorry to bother you!-Ana

She didn't text back and I didn't blame her.

I left the baggie on my nightstand and took of my clothes, feeling numb and stupid.

This was all my fault.

I pulled out a tank top and some boxers and then went to take to shower.

As I let the water beat down on my body, I remembered my last shower and how cold and dirty I felt.

I allowed the water to run cold as I scrubbed myself clean, still wondering just what I had done last night. The very thought of it had me brushing my teeth and tongue for longer than probably necessary. Standing there examining my perfect teeth, I thought of that hot dentist that me and B had gone to see and it made me smile.

So many of my happy moments these days involved Brittany and I had let the whole world divide us. I had let ME divide us, she didn't deserve any of this.

I needed to be better for her and to her and I promised myself that if given the chance, I would just do that. My bruises were a sickly shade of yellow but they were fading finally.

I couldn't ask for more than that.

My body felt relaxed but the turmoil inside of me was hot and gritty.

I needed to feel safe again.

For once providence smiled on me because when I left the bathroom and entered my room, Britt sat on my bed waiting for me.

I looked at her flushed face, messy hair and swollen eyes and knew she'd been crying. She was wearing her duck pajamas looking like the cutest thing on this planet and I felt the tears come.

"You're here." I whispered, afraid that I was hallucinating but then she was looking at the baggie of coke on the nightstand and then back at me.

"I had some earlier before I cleaned my room but then I decided not to have any more it. I wanted to but I didn't." I whispered.

"Thanks for being honest, that's a start."

"I'm sorry Britt."

"Stop apologizing, it hurts me more each time that you do it. No more apologies. Just come to bed."

She kicked off her shoes and then climbed under my covers, her face a mask of aloofness but I could tell that she was just trying to mask her feelings.

I smiled at her and then turned off the lamp, ignoring the baggie while I climbed in the bed with her. A sense of calm took over my body, just knowing she was there and I felt myself sink into it.

It was my bed but I felt hesitant in moving any closer to her.

"I thought you wanted me to hold you?"

"I did. I do…I just don't want to pressure you."

"OMG, Ana, do you think I would be here if I didn't agree to hold you?"

"Sorry." I squeaked.

I reached over and set my alarm and then allowed Britt to hold me close to her. I slept tucked into her body and felt like I was finally home.

When I woke up I felt so rested and calm until I realized that I was alone.

Britt had left in the night and I felt sad all over again, so I turned over and snorted the rest of the baggie.

My head buzzed as I got ready and made breakfast for myself and while Papi had taken the keys from me to the new car, I took the spare drove to school in it anyway.

It was mine, he'd put it in my name and while he had bought it...there was no car note. It was mine outright so fuck him for trying to ground me.

I stopped by the Lima Bean and got the biggest coffee they made and then drove to school early. The coke had cleared my head which I was going to need if I was going to catch up on my AP homework before classes since I was essentially absent for the first day.

When I sat down in the deserted library, I was surprised to find that I had taken amazing notes and even more surprising, I had written down each homework assignment in detail.

I hadn't brought any more coke to school with me today, instead I was vowing to get through this day on pure coffee alone, so I tore through my homework as if my life depended on it.

Britt had come to me even when she felt like I was breaking her heart and that made me want to be better, even if I had morning coke to get me moving, I still felt like it was better than taking it during school.

Rookie move.

As I finished my last trigonometry problem the morning bell rang and I felt prepared for my day.

I had a free period first thing and since I had finished up my homework I decided to go see Sue.

"Can I talk to you?"

"What is it?"

"Like you said I could at camp. Can I talk to you?"

"You never came to me at camp."

"Well I'm coming to you now, I don't have anyone else that will listen."

"Come in and shut the door."

I shut the door and then sat in front of her desk placing my bag at my feet.

Sue had a penetrating stare but I needed someone who was going to look at me and give it to me straight without all the emotion.

"I spent all day high yesterday after we talked." I admitted.

"I know."

"Was it that obvious?"

"To me, to Q and to Brittany, you were dazed, unresponsive almost like a zombie."

"I had more this morning, just to kick off my morning but I didn't bring any with me. I spent all morning trying to catch up on my homework. Now, my head is starting to clear. I think I'm ashamed of myself."

"You should be ashamed."

"Harsh."

"If you wanted kind platitudes you would have gone to see Ginger."

"I know."

"So why come to me?"

"Because you are the only adult who doesn't walk around me or all over me. I trust you."

"So why did you do it?"

"To feel like I was in control."

"Were you?"

"Hmm?"

"When you were high, do you feel like you controlled anything?"

"Not yesterday but a little bit this morning."

"What about when you were drunk and you slept with those two gabbing football players?"

"I don't even remember being with anyone and it disgusts me. I was drunk off my ass and I don't remember what I did or who."

"Dangerous."

"Yea, I should go get checked out, I guess."

"They have the same standards on the football team as I do. You should be clean but it was after summer shenanigans. Don't worry those STD tests will come back and you'll find out soon enough."

"Something to look forward to...I guess."

"So, tell me Santana, will you pass the drug test in January?"

"I don't know. I'm done making promises that I'm not sure I can keep."

"Do you think you have a problem?"

"Not yet but I think I'm close."

"So why are you here?"

"Because I had nowhere else to go, Q is sick of me, Britt came over last night and held me while I slept but when I woke up this morning she was gone. No note, no nothing."

"Who is to blame for all that?"

"Me."

"Just you?"

"Yeah. Just me."

"I think you need to reevaluate your priorities think about who or what event led you here."

"Or what coach? What if I don't?"

"Then that phone call from Columbia that I got this morning about offering you a cheer scholarship is a waste."

"What?"

"Yep, you are a nationally ranked cheerleader Santana, you are about to be inducted to the National Honor Society and you are throwing it away."

"I only got that because of Marco."

"I beg to differ. Cheer has nothing to do with the law department. I called them myself. The Honor Society has nothing to do with Columbia it has to do with you busting your ass for that 4.2 average you have. Marco has nothing to do with any of that."

"I don't know what to say."

"It is not about what you need to say, it is about what you need to do."

I couldn't help the smile on my face as I walked into the choir room that afternoon. Most of my classes were with Q but she seemed to be avoiding me so this was my chance to corner her. Mr. Shue was late once again so I climbed up next Quinn and plopped down beside her.

"Hey Q." She looked at me and when she saw my clear eyes, she smiled.

"Hey S."

"Yesterday was shit, this morning I did it again but I haven't for the rest of the day I'm sober now." I whispered.

"Good. It's only been a few hours so who knows. Right?"

Ouch.

"I got offered a cheer scholarship at Columbia."

"Really?"

Quinn couldn't hold back her excitement with that.

"Yeah, so I'm definitely going to be in New York next year."

Then she remembered that she was upset with me.

"Don't screw it up."

My heart dropped.

Mr. Shue chose that moment to come into the class and no less than ten seconds after that Berry's hand shot in the air.

Even though I expected her outburst it still annoyed me.

"Yes Rachel."

Mr. Shue seemed just as annoyed as everyone else.

"As the glee captain, I would like to just offer up a fun theme for next week."

"Oh?" Mr. Shue said, seeming surprised.

"God, please, no more Broadway!" Mercedes groaned.

"More Broadway?" that was Kurt.

Rachel pursed her lips and shook her head.

"No, see I know that for a lot of us this is our last year and after such a crushing loss at Nationals last year I just thought why not express ourselves with one of the most versatile and hurt wrenching genres."

"And that would be?" Finn asked.

"Country." The room got silent but I just smiled at Rachel hoping that no one else noticed.

Mr. Shue clapped his hands together and went to the whiteboard. He scribbled in big bold letters, "COUNTRY MUSIC WEEK"

"I love that idea Rachel, so class how about we pair off and I will give you until next Thursday to give us a performance."

Everyone shuffled off, Q going off with Britt and leaving me there. I sat and watched as they all coupled, quite fine if I ended up alone but then Rachel came over to me and sat down.

"I couldn't help but hear about your misadventures of late."

"And?"

"It seems like you and I are suddenly in the same boat. So how about instead of me wooing my lady love you can also woo yours."

"You know Berry, that doesn't sound half bad. When do you want to start?"

"How about tonight at my place for dinner?"

"That sounds an awful lot like a date."

"Oh…definitely not, I'm in love with your sister friend over there."

"That's what I like to hear."

"What about you? You still crazy about that blonde over there?"

"Yeah. Forever and a day."

I didn't expect to like Rachel's house so much or her dads for that matter but honestly being around them gave me hope for what my own future might bring. I want Britt to love me again and even though I keep screwing it up I know that someday I will get it right and when I finally do, I will do whatever I can to keep a smile on her face.