Chapter 16: Bad Angel (Dierks Bently, Miranda Lambert & Jamey Johnson)

"So how are you really?" Rachel asked as I laid across her bed scrolling through Spotify looking for a song.

I looked up at her and could see that she really wanted to know my answer, like she really cared.

"No judgement?"

"None, I just think you need someone to listen that isn't Sue."

"How do you know that I talked to Sue?"

"I was looking for you earlier today and Quinn told me where to find you, I had wanted to make sure that the plan was still a go."

"Oh...well, I think that drugs are helping me and hurting me. My parents want to kick me out and I made a deal with the devil to save my relationship with B but that has imploded. Oh, and apparently, I had an orgy that I cannot remember. All of that to say, that I am definitely NOT good."

"That is definitely quite a predicament. Have you given any thought to maybe getting a place of your own? You're 18, you have money of your own...don't be mad at Quinn for telling me."

"I'm not surprised Berry."

"It's worth a thought...that way you can get rid of Marco, your parents and maybe be able to have something real with Brittany."

"You have a solution for the drugs too?"

"Of course. Go to a meeting and stop doing them."

"That easy, huh?"

"Nothing worth fighting for comes easy."

"You sound like Quinn."

"Ahhh, speaking of which, shall we continue our search?"

"I'm on it."

Rachel and I couldn't settle on a song.

I wanted to sing the song "You" by Chris Young again because it had worked so well at camp, but Rachel insisted that it would be like rubbing salt into an open wound and I conceded that she was probably right. She suggested the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood instead, but I shot it down immediately, I didn't want this to turn into my intervention besides, that didn't solve her getting rid of Finn. It had been an hour and we were both running out of ideas which was holding up the Berry family Friday night dinner at Breadstix.

They all invited me to tag along but I told Rachel that I was not comfortable eating with other people's families, even though I had wanted to with the Fabray's the other day that was only because I couldn't go. Having dinner with Russell was not my idea of a good time.

My head was starting to hurt after too much time between hits, so I set a timer for us, if we couldn't figure it out by that time we were going to just need to table it for the weekend. I was racking my brain for some sort of solution as the pounding in my head got worse since we were quickly burning out and then it hit me!

"I got it! How about an anti-serenade?"

"That's sounds...interesting. Do enlighten me Santana, how would that work exactly?"

"Q, likes bold statements but not necessarily huge declarations of love and B just wants me to be safe, she told me once that I don't love myself as much as she does. I want to prove to her that I love her no matter what stupid shit I do."

"So, knowing all this helps us how?"

I couldn't believe that she of all people was rushing me to get to the point, but I understand the need to eat Breadstix until you burst, so I continued.

"You need to publicly break up with Finn and I need to commit to breaking my bad habits."

"But Santana, me and Finn...we aren't a couple."

"That may be the case to you, however, you still kissed him on a national stage and then slept with him while we were away so no matter how many times you stray he will always remember that romantically stupid day and how you ran to him when Quinn was out of the picture, and he will think that he owns your heart."

I watched as understanding flashed in her eyes and then her smile lit up and she began to nod her head.

"In that case, I've got the perfect song!"

"Of course, you do!"

It was just after four when I left Rachel's even though I felt like I had been there FOREVER, I realized that not being a Cheerio afforded me a lot of free time. Time that I was actually starting to appreciate but then as I walked out of her house I got a phone call from Noah asking me to come over as fast as I could, that it absolutely couldn't wait.

Since I was only a few blocks away, I decided to humor him even though I knew that it couldn't be that important, he was obviously just as bored as I was without football. So, when I got to his house, he was already waiting at the doorway. I glanced over to Britt's house but didn't see her truck. Maybe she was at Quinn's. What I wouldn't give to see her smiling face right in that moment, but I was glad she wasn't seeing me going into Puck's house so soon after everything.

"TT! Get in here"

"What's the big emergency, Noah?" I said as I dropped onto the sofa. He was pacing like a maniac and shooting me nervous glances every few seconds. His hesitation was driving me insane and I was starting to fiend for coke, so my humor at his whole thing wore out pretty quickly. "Well? Oh my God, please don't tell me you knocked someone up, not again!"

"Nope, I think I'm in love."

"What? Puck! That is NOT an emergency! I recall you saying something similar about that white rhino, Zizes."

"Look, this is different. Lauren was a game to me, but this is real."

"If you say so," I started tapping my foot impatiently, "Well are you going to keep pacing or are you going to actually tell me about her?"

"Her name is Olivia. She is a junior who is training to join the track team. She just moved here from Kentucky. She is another Puerto Rican mamacita, like my favorite person." I rolled my eyes.

"Ok? Before you go on can I ask, does she know that you exist?"

I was enjoying seeing Puck flustered.

"No, not really. We have AP English together, though and gym."

"So how do you know that you're in love with her? We only had school for two days!"

"I don't know how to explain it. She makes me want to grow up. I barely know her, and I know that I would give anything for her. Time freezes, I get butterflies."

"Maybe you have cancer or something! Look, I was hoping to get home early, so tell me why of all people, you called me over?"

"Because you are my best friend, you have a way with the ladies and you are on the track team. Maybe you could become homies with her?"

"Ugh. Enough with the pacing, I'm getting nauseous. I'll have you know that I apparently suck with the ladies, have you seen my girlfriend around or even my best friend? Plus, track doesn't start for another couple weeks."

"Exactly, she is training already and despite your smoking, drinking, and recent drugging you are still the best on the team, maybe you can get to know her, maybe invite her to join glee."

"Why is that everyone's answer to everything? Does she even sing? Glee isn't some incestuous matchmaking service."

I stood up walking to the door, I was over this conversation.

"I guess we will find out." He said as he opened the door for me. I growled and headed down the walkway. I turned just before he closed the door and called out,

"You owe me for this, Puckerman, you know I hate to play nice!"

"But you do it so so well."

I climbed up the steps to my room completely absorbed in thoughts of my duet with Rachel and Noah's sudden infatuation with this new girl.

My day was going well even though I had spent the afternoon annoyed. So, when I opened my bedroom door I didn't expect it to go downhill but then I saw her just sitting there on my bed.

The coke just sat there where I left it, traces of powder wiped clean. When our eyes met she was smiling at me like everything between us hadn't changed.

And how I wanted that to be true.

"Hey." She said with a steely determination in her eyes.

"Hi."

I was nervous, the past couple days without her sucked and then when I woke up alone, I was certain she was done with me.

"I texted you"

I pulled out my phone and she had texted twice.

We need to talk-B

I'm coming over-B

"I'm sorry, I was at Berry's finding a song and then I went see Noah and I didn't realize I had my ringer off."

She tried to hide her flinch when I mentioned his name, but I saw it.

His name seemed to completely change her mind about something and I could see the wheels turning in her mind as she looked me over.

She kept looking at my crotch like she could see his sperm inside me or something.

I practically gagged at the thought but then she was standing up looking pissed off.

"Wait, are you leaving?"

"Yeah, I should go this was a mistake." She said as she avoided my eyes.

I wanted to scream at her to look at me, but she was already at the door. When I tried to block the open doorway and reached for her, she yanked her hand away.

"Don't touch me!" She said pushing past me, reminding me of myself that day she turned me down.

"Britt, wait!"

My mom called as I cried over my homework and told me she was going out with her church friends and not to wait up for her. I don't know why she even wanted me here when she wasn't planning on being home much.

At least when I was at Quinn's I had some company.

The sun was still shining bright, it was barely 5, so I knew that Q should be home by now.

Q? Are you busy?-S

Umm...a little-Q

Ok, never mind then-S

It's just that B just called and said she was on her way over.-Q

Of course, I understand. TTYL-S

I'll call you later?-Q

Sure.-S

I placed my phone on my nightstand and noticed that the baggie still sat there waiting for me. I had promised myself that I would only have the one hit today, but things had completely dissolved in chaos and I was running out of reasons to stay sober. I still hadn't taken off my jacket or shoes, so I walked to my window and pushed it open. It was a small jump and then I was in my tree house. I hadn't been inside of it in months.

I unlatched the door and stepped inside.

A million memories hitting me all at once.

Including my first kiss with Britt.

And it sucked.

How had we fallen apart so easily?

I looked around for more coke, which Marco had promised was in here, but it wasn't anywhere...asshole.

My tree house was my one place that people seemed to leave me alone and I cherished it more than anything else that I owned. My dad and Marco built it for me back when I was still in their good graces. It was lit by a tiny little Princess Jasmine lamp in the corner and had all sorts of sheets and tapestries covering the walls.

I called it my Magick Place and the name rang true especially after I made love to Britt for the first time in here. No one ever came in here except me, Britt and sometimes Q. It was also where Q and I had fooled around a billion ages ago...but of course we don't talk about that. I switched on the lamp and then searched around for my cigarettes which I found tucked under my bean bag. I was surprised that the squirrels hadn't gotten to them. It felt good to just be on my own, letting the warm evening breeze soothe the fraying edges of my day. I rested back on the bean bag and then put the baggie on my little table.

Eventually, I went from laying back to glaring at the bag, biting my lip between puffs of cigarette after cigarette. I was losing track of time trying to decide if I just wanted to finish the damned thing. I kept weighing my options as the sun set and the light of my lamp was the only thing allowing me to see my surroundings.

"What are you doing?" I looked up and saw Q on the threshold.

"Listening to an argument between the angels my shoulders."

"Who's winning?"

"The one in white."

"Is that a euphemism for cocaine?"

My laughter sounded foreign and harsh to my own ears. Maybe...

"It wasn't meant to be. Are you going to come in?"

"Yea."

"You still angry at me?"

"I'm not sure. I will tell you after the angels are done arguing." She winked at me and then grabbed one of my cigarettes, quickly lighting it. "Mmmm...I missed this."

"Smoking?"

I realized she hadn't touched a cigarette since her little skank phase.

"No, us, bantering back and forth. The Cheerios aren't the same without you. I think I need you around more than I care to admit, San. You make me better."

"You just saw me a couple hours ago."

"Yea and then man hands stole you away from me."

"Don't call her that Q."

"Hold up, are you defending Rachel Berry."

"Yea" I shrugged, "I guess I am. I got to spend some alone time with her today and she loves you so much Quinn."

"Coming from you I don't know if I trust that statement. You haven't had the best judgment lately."

"Touché. But I have been high and drunk for most of it what's your excuse?"

"Touché."

"So, what happened with B?"

"I don't think you want to know."

"Probably not but you should tell me anyways."

"She's out having dinner with Finn. She came to you to see if you could give her a reason to not do it but then you apparently went to Puck's again...so that made up her mind."

I sat up in disbelief.

"He insisted I come over to talk about some girl he likes, nothing happened. I was there for like ten minutes."

"He got me pregnant in less time."

"Well I am not you. You don't think that they are gonna, you know...fuck, do you?"

"Who knows for sure, I can't say it wouldn't be poetic justice."

"Fuck! Maybe it's just for glee, who is she partnered with?"

"Me."

"There goes my chance to grovel." I said echoing what Quinn had said a few months ago.

Q caught me up on all things Brittany and I did the same when it came to Rachel and then we talked about everything else,

My talk with Sue, my talk with my mom and the fact that I was really starting to become addicted to coke. She held me as I cried over Brittany and I held her as she went on and on about Rachel being some of the best sex she's ever had.

Which I took immediate offense to and she laughed so hard.

It felt good to just talk like sister friends again and the calm of it had me falling asleep in her arms. We both fell asleep, wrapped up in each other on the floor of my tree house and although we were as platonic as could be something in us was drawn to each other in our sleep.

Britt has always said that we are two sides of the same coin, that we didn't really let our walls down in front of anyone but each other and so we weren't shy about comforting the other when a wall broke.

It's why B never minded our little lip pecks because they didn't go further than that, Q was my living security blanket and being away from her for just one day had me feeling empty and now I felt like I could breathe again.

See what I mean when I say that B is a genius?

It would all be so simple if me and Quinn could be together, but the bond was different, sacred but different. There was no one that I loved in the way that I loved Quinn Fabray.

And I hoped that she still felt the same way about me.

At one point, when I whimpered myself awake, thinking about the summer that had just passed and she kissed my face, rubbed my back and reminded me that she was there until I fell back asleep.

She definitely still loved me.

Quinn's phone went off at some point and she jerked me awake when she answered it.

"What happened?" She mumbled. "Rachel sweetie slow down! Where are you? I'm on my way, I'm hurrying! I will. Okay, okay! Bye."

"What's wrong?" I asked wiping the salt out of my eyes as she was rustling around, straightening out her clothes and searching for something.

"Fuck, I walked here! Shit, San I need a ride."

"Okay."

"Thanks, you don't mind?

"Of course not, just tell me where?"

She leaned over and kissed my lips before giving me the tightest hug in the world.

"Thank you!"

I hated seeing her so distraught.

And right now, I would do anything to make sure that one of us was happy.

Or at least okay.

I broke traffic laws, I nearly ran into a cop car and got a speeding ticket, but I got there. Quinn had a death grip on my hand as we made our way into the ER looking for Rachel. We found her sitting in a corner being comforted by Britt and Finn.

Quinn didn't even hesitate, she dropped to her knees in front of Rachel and held her hands.

"I'm here Rachel, sweetie what happened to your dads?"

I stood there thinking of the kind gay couple who had invited me into their home earlier that afternoon and gave me dating advice. I sat across from them and just stared off out the window. Still half dazed from our nap, wondering if anything about the time I had left in Lima would be easy.

A heaviness settled comfortably on my shoulders and the shake in my hands, reminded me that I had demons that weren't going to give up so easily. The waiting room was tense as I tried to listen to Rachel without seeming too nosey.

She gave a quiet mumble and then started crying, Quinn looked at her with such pity before wrapping her up in her arms that probably smelled like cigarette smoke and me.

I wondered briefly if Rachel would notice or question where Quinn had been or if there had been something between us yet again, but I knew that her mind was solely on her fathers.

My mind, though, was focused squarely on what came next. What big thing was going to fall in front of me because from the day I turned 18, it seemed that adulthood had decided to make me it's bitch and I was slowly breaking under the strain of holding it together.

I needed a hit or a smoke or both.

Britt broke the tension and tears with an odd placed comment that I didn't really hear. When our eyes met, I had the weird feeling where everything disappears. Suddenly I remembered Quinn's words.

I remembered where Britt had been and when I looked up at her for the first time since she left my room in tears, I noticed how pretty she looked in a pale purple dress that I had bought her on one of our random Saturday splurges.

She'd worn that dress on a date with Finn and the pain in my heart got bigger but then she gave me a half smile and the anger that was building dissipated. Right then, as she put an arm around Rachel, she was reminding me that none of this was about me and that this was not the time to make anyone worry about me.

Our eyes were locked until I gave a small nod, acknowledging the silent conversation and direction she was giving me. The moment that she looked away the spell was broken, and I remembered who was sitting next to her. I was thinking about the date again but then she spoke, her eyes back on me before she looked at Quinn.

"Finn and I were at Breadstix and we saw it all happen. Rachel and her dads were leaving, and two big guys followed them outside. Then we heard Rachel scream and we ran outside. The guys were beating up Rachel's dads and calling them really mean names. Finn called the police after trying to fight one of the guys."

That's when I noticed how roughed up Finn looked, holding an ice pack to his face and for a moment I felt grateful that he was there to do something. I mean it was the least he could do after those men had taken him in as a 'son' when he was with Rachel, even if they didn't approve.

What's the use of being a huge brute if not to do something when the world needed you too.

My head was still aching, and I realized that I never did take a hit and now I was wishing that I had. Hate crimes didn't really happen too often in our little town so when one did it was a big fucking deal, especially for me, someone who wanted to live out and proud with my lady love.

So, I stayed there because I wanted to know what happened, who did it and why plus I wanted Rachel to know that all bullshit aside that I was there for her.

Time passed and eventually my legs couldn't hold me any longer and slumped into a chair far away from Brittany and Finn.

After a while the cops eventually came and questioned everyone involved. I watched as Britt fawned over Finn, calling him a hero which made me want to gag but I kept my face neutral. She had made it clear that she was done with me, so I had to respect that. Once the cops cleared out, we just sat around staring off thinking about what this meant and how we just couldn't wait to get the hell out of this hick town.

I felt out of place, but I couldn't just leave so I sat in the corner and played on my phone until I fell asleep again.

Exhaustion finally winning out.

I was awakened early in the morning just before dawn when my phone began buzzing, wiping at my eyes, I saw my Papi's name across the screen and then Mami's. The sun was barely up, why did it matter to them that I wasn't there to wake up in person.

Fuck them.

I tried to ignore it, but it kept going off.

Quinn was sleeping next to me, her head on my shoulder with Britt sleeping on Finn across from us. Rachel was with her fathers so us being here really served no purpose. I had fallen back asleep when I was being poked, when I opened my eyes Q was staring sleepily at me and holding out my phone.

"Your mom has called you nonstop."

"What time is it?"

"Five, you should answer."

I took the phone from her and then stepped out of the waiting area into the lobby before answering.

"Yes?"

"Where are you, Santana?"

"At the hospital some guys roughed up Rachel's dads really bad. I fell asleep here."

"Well that's unfortunate but you need to come home right now."

"Mami, I can't just-"

"Get here. Now!" She growled into the phone.

What had crawled up her ass, there was only one person that wound her up like this...was Papi home?

She hung up in my ear.

Something was wrong again.

My head hurt so much, my stomach was lurching, and I felt unsteady on my feet as I made my way back into the waiting room. Everyone was awake now, looking at each other like they'd just carried the world on their shoulders.

But they hadn't...not really.

I leaned down near Quinn and rubbed her back.

"Please tell Rachel that I'm so sorry that this happened. Please give her fathers my best. Call me if you need anything, okay? Q, I have to go home right now, Mami won't hear any excuses. Are you okay to catch a ride?"

"Yeah but why do you need to rush, it's Saturday."

"I'm not sure but I better leave now or I'm going to end up back here myself."

I began to walk away but then I heard Finn mutter, "That wasn't funny, Santana. Even now you're fucking heartless."

I stood there for a moment, catching my breath and refusing to look back at him. I wanted to tear him to shreds but Britt had been right...now was not the time so I continued to walk away when I heard Quinn reprimand him.

"She wasn't joking, Finn."

I drove the same break neck speed back home, thankfully not running into the cops this early in the morning.

When I pulled into the driveway, I could tell why Mami was so frantic. I immediately noticed the problem, my dad's car sat right behind my mother's and there was a black SUV behind them...and another car that I didn't recognize.

Crap.

My house was lit up making me check the time.

5:35 a.m.

Believe it or not, when I was home I had a curfew and I had broken it by several hours even though I had a good reason, Papi didn't always care.

Even if he was weird about me being gay, he liked the Berry's, so I knew he would care about this.

That would be enough...right?

I rested my head on the steering wheel and wished that I had kept that baggie in my pocket. So, I searched for the next best thing. I reached into my glove box, but I couldn't even find a cigarette.

There was no coasting through this day, I had to face it head on, I was just hoping that things would go better than the last time that I saw Papi. I wasn't sure I could handle his wrath, I was still healing from our last encounter.

I was just so fucking frustrated.

"I never get a fucking break! Dear God, please don't let him hit me. I just can't handle this today."