Chapter 19: Fix a Heart (Demi Lovato)
After my exam, I stood outside Q's class waiting for her and sent a text to B.
Dinner is at 5, making pasta and shrimp. I love you-Santana
I'll stop home and get my stuff. ;)-B
I shivered knowing that she meant her strap. I could feel my body reacting to her and wished I could just jump her right then.
"What are you blushing about?" Q asked as people poured out into the hall.
"B's coming tonight." I said, "I'm kinda nervous."
Quinn cocked her eyebrow and then looped her arm through mine. With her by my side, people moved out of the way much more than when I was by myself.
"Please tell me that you two aren't going to fuck in that psycho's house."
"Okay, I won't tell you." I said.
She was glaring at me when we got to the car and like she owned it, she actually got into the driver seat again. "Um...you do know that this is my car, right?"
"I do but if I don't keep my hands busy, I might try to slap you and I have promised myself that I would never put my hands on you in anger."
I buckled in and then turned towards her, "Wait, are you angry with me?"
"Yes. I know she got jealous earlier and it probably turned you on but use your head, you're married to a psychopath who probably has cameras everywhere."
"Let him watch...it's what he did in New York, why is this any different?"
"Two reasons, again you're married and also sex with Brittany actually means something to you."
"You're no fun, Q ball."
"It's my plight in life...being a buzzkill but if that means you stay alive then so be it." She drove us into her development and pulled into her driveway. "I'm going to drive my own car there tonight and I won't leave until she does, I can't let you dig yourself even deeper."
"It is not your job to control who I fuck in MY house." I said and she rolled her eyes.
"I just don't understand, how hard is it not to fuck her?"
"Harder than kicking coke."
"Just don't fuck her at all, not now."
"I'll work on that."
"I'll see you tonight, San, I'll bring a cake."
I kissed her cheek and then climbed into the driver seat, totally ignoring her insanity.
Okay...maybe only a little.
Fucking B in Marco's house was suicide but her parents didn't get home until 6 and it was only 2:45.
I drove onto B's block and parked by Noah's house and walked. B's dirt bike was on the lawn so I knew that she was home.
I'm outside, can I come in?-Santana
Please. Door is open...I'm waiting.-B
I pushed the door open and then locked it behind me, the chance that Q would suddenly drop in was quite high and I didn't want her killing my vibe. When I went into Britt's room she was half naked as she pulled on the strap.
I just stood there gawking at her.
"How did you know I'd come here?"
"Because I knew you wouldn't be able to wait until tonight, come over here." She said as she pulled back the sheets.
I kicked off my shoes and then walked over to her, my hands hovering above her waist. She sang softly to me as she slowly peeled my clothes off of my body. The anticipation was killing me but I stood there looking at the awe in her eyes as she took me in and then when I was naked she held out her hand. "Give me your hand." She said and I placed my left in hers.
She bit her lip as she pulled both of my rings off and placed them gently on her desk.
"B..." I started to say but she put a finger to my lips and shook her head.
"Get on the bed, please. Walk slow. Warm yourself up."
I smiled at her and slowly made my way to her bed, feeling the wetness coat the tops of my thighs. She was groaning as I climbed on her bed and opened my legs.
Her eyes went wide as I moved my fingers slowly through the wetness and started to wind myself up.
"I need you, B." I groaned.
"B?"
"Daddy." I said and she growled, her tits bouncing as she rushed over to the bed.
Our lips crashed together and then she was pushing that thing inside me. It was bigger than Marco, bigger than most guys I'd been with and the noise that ripped from me was impossible to hold in.
"I missed you...I hate that I have to share you...I need you to be mine again. Just mine." She said, thrusting in a rhythm so quick and even that I felt an orgasm rip through me for the first time without coke since camp.
"I'm yours, fuck...fuck...fuck!" I yelled as I dug fresh tracks in her back.
She rocked into me until I couldn't take any more and then she kissed me, wrapping her arms around me and rolling me over.
When I was on top, in control for the first time in months, she let me set the pace.
I rocked on her, leaning down to suck her nipples and she gripped at my hair.
"Can I touch you?" I asked her when I couldn't take another second of stimulation.
"Not yet...you have to unlock that level."
"Is this a game to you?" I asked, feeling the sting of her rejection as I laid next to her, my fingers tracing up and down her side.
"No, I just don't feel like I can give myself to you fully until we are official."
"Oh."
"Don't worry Ana, we can still do this...I can still fuck you like you deserve...give you what you actually want and not what is forced on you."
I couldn't hold back the tears as she held me tightly, letting me cry in her arms until I couldn't stay awake another second. Falling asleep in her arms again, reminded me just why I needed to make this marriage end.
There was no other place I'd rather be.
"Get up, Santana, I cannot fucking believe you right now!"
I woke up to Quinn standing over me looking like she was five seconds from murder. Britt was smirking behind her as she got dressed.
I sat up, feeling the ache in my body and smiling to myself.
"Don't laugh, Ana, it will only make her angrier."
"Why are you here?" I asked Q.
"I was coming to pick up B and I saw your fucking car down the street, I have a key to this house and honestly, I should have known you'd come here!"
"Calm your tits, Fabray, shit. You said not to have sex with B in Marco's house so I didn't."
"No, I clearly said not have sex with her at all!"
I rolled my eyes at her and grabbed my clothes, getting dressed quickly and then in a weird juxtaposition Brittany pushed my rings back on my finger.
She was giving me a sad smile and then she ignored Quinn's anger and gripped my face, pressing her lips to mine and I was putty.
I had been hesitating in leaving Marco, trying and waiting for him to decide when enough was enough, feeling like Brittany was done with me didn't make me fight but now that she had actually seen me call him Daddy, she'd seen the way I fear him even over the phone, she was staking her claim and letting me know that I was hers.
This right here made all the difference.
"I'm going to head home and start cooking. Can you two stop at Breadstix on your way and grab some sticks?" I looked at my watch. "They make them fresh on the hour so if you leave in ten minutes you should be able to get them hot."
Quinn rolled her eyes at my obsession with those warm doughy pieces of heaven but she knew how hard eating had become for me lately, so I knew that she wouldn't deny me.
"Fine, it's probably better that way." Quinn grabbed a brush and handed it to me. "Get moving, it's already 4 and it is still a school night."
I left Quinn there scolding Brittany after I had made sure I looked like I hadn't just been having the best sex that I had in awhile.
When I got to my car, Noah was standing outside with some girl and gave me a wave.
"Don't say a word." I said, glaring at him.
"I don't know you lady." He said with a wink before turning back to his new girlfriend.
I'd left my phone in the car, not wanting to be interrupted and my blood ran cold when I unlocked it. Two missed calls from Marco.
You've been parked on Cherry Street for over an hour.-Marco
Why aren't you answering your phone, Princesa?-Marco
I get out of my meeting around 4, you better answer my call!-Marco
All of my happiness was zapped.
Why hadn't I thought to turn off my phone?
You were right. He's definitely tracking my phone-S
Shit, should we cancel tonight?-Q
No. He's calling any second, gtg. See you soon-S
I turned on the car and started driving, my car connected to Bluetooth and the phone started to ring almost immediately
"Hey Daddy-o." I said, as I crossed through the center of town.
"Explain yourself, Princesa."
"I had a study session with a few girls from my Trig class, I left my phone in the car. I'm headed home now."
"What girls?"
My response was quick because it had to be.
"Jordan Mack, Daisy whatever her name is, and Carolina Fisher."
"Did you see Noah or Brittany?"
"I just saw Noah as I was getting in my car but we didn't stop and talk or anything."
He was about to talk but I pressed my hand on my horn and cursed out an imaginary car to distract him.
"And that girl?"
"Actually, Daddy, her and Quinn are coming to the house for dinner. I won't be alone with her, is that okay?"
"Just dinner?"
"Yes, I'll make sure they don't leave too late."
"That's fine, as long as she leaves before or when Quinn leaves. I do NOT want you two alone together, understand?"
"Yes, Daddy-o."
"Good girl and no more leaving your phone in the car."
"It won't happen again." I swear, I said silently to myself.
"Call me when they leave so that I know you are following the rules."
"Okay."
"Good, I'm heading to see Mr. Evans. Behave yourself."
"I will. Cuidate." I said, pretending to care.
When I got to the house, I turned the music all the way up and put the food on the stove. While the pasta boiled, I mopped the floor and set the table. I knew that Marco had the ability to watch me if he wanted and I wanted him to see me be normal and domestic like I had been back in New York.
I had been right to go to Brittany's house instead of my own, I just hadn't been smart enough to leave my phone somewhere that wasn't Cherry street, I wouldn't make that mistake again.
By the time that the shrimp was sautéed and the pasta was draining, the doorbell was ringing. I turned the shrimp to a low simmer, checked my lip gloss in the hall mirror, and then pulled the door open.
Quinn pulled me into a quick hug and then put her arm through mine.
Britt followed hesitantly, looking like this was the last place she wanted to be which was perfect because it's exactly how I felt.
"It smells great in here." B said, handing me the bag of hot bread sticks.
"Thank you so much!" I said, wanting to kiss her but knowing better.
"Did you clean?" Q asked looking at me with a smirk.
"Obviously, I wanted it to smell nice you for you ladies."
"Can he hear us?" Q said under her breath.
"Not with the music this loud."
Q put a grocery bag on the table, pulled out a bottle of wine and a whole cake.
"We shouldn't be drinking on a school night, Q." B said with the most serious face and when Q balked, Britt broke out to a fit of giggles. I couldn't stop watching her.
"Uh...is something burning?" Q asked and I snapped out of my stare.
"Shit!" I rushed to the stove and thankfully was able to save the shrimp from permanent damage. I cracked open the bottle of wine and poured some in the pan. The sauce came back alive and I stirred it all into the pasta. "I hope you chicas are hungry."
"Starving...I worked up a really big appetite this afternoon." Britt said and I blushed.
"Don't." I said and she drew a heart for me and I pretended to swoon.
"You two need to stop...come on, I do not want to watch you fawn over each other."
"Fine, buzzkill." I turned back to the counter and served up three plates, bringing them back to the table where Q was pouring us each some wine.
We talked and laughed until the bottle was empty and my phone started buzzing.
"Did you set an alarm for our hangout?" Britt said, looking hurt as she hovered over the cake to cut another slice.
"I did. I promised Marco that I would call him when you two left."
"Oh...should we go?" Q said, unbuttoning her pants and licking her fork. "Cuz I'm going to need like fifteen more minutes to sober up."
"Me too." B said.
"That's fine, I'm going to clean up the dishes while you two chill."
Almost to the minute, 15 minutes later I was escorting them to the door.
Brittany attempted to linger, whispering sweet things to me but Quinn grabbed her hand and yanked her.
"Don't get her in trouble, B."
"Your husband sucks!" Brittany yelled really loud before stealing a kiss, pulling away before I could kiss her back.
Shit.
Like the fucking stalker that he was, the moment that I closed the door, my phone rang.
Fuck!
"Hi Daddy." I said as I locked up downstairs, shutting off the music and tv.
"Video call." He said and then hung up.
I shut off the lights and made my way up to our bedroom, stripping off my clothes as I ignored his call.
He was watching and I figured why not give him a show.
The phone rang again as I turned on the tv in our bedroom and laid across the bed.
Marco looked flushed and angry.
"You fixed your lip gloss for her."
"What?" I said.
"I saw you, before you answered the door, you stopped to fix your lip gloss...and the look in your eyes was that just fucked look. Is that what you were doing on Cherry Street? Fucking with that girl?"
My face was scrunched up.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I am always fixing my damn lip gloss."
"Even if that was nothing, you flirted with her all night and don't think I didn't see what just happened at the door."
"You sound like a real perv, you know that? She kissed me not the other way around, did you see me keep it going?"
"I think you're trying to make me fucking crazy...is that it? I wouldn't let you have more blow today so you parade her in front of my face?"
"No...you know that I love her, a ring on my finger isn't going to change that. I followed your rules. She left when Q left, I locked the door and I won't see her again until tomorrow. Please stop hovering."
"You don't tell me what to do!" He yelled at me, spit dotting the screen.
"How can I fix this, Daddy?" I asked, knowing that a Daddy-o right now would just piss him off more.
"Just do what I ask, we got to a point when you were here that I didn't hit you at all. I don't want to punish you...just be a good girl. That's all I want, Princesa."
"Okay. I can do that."
"We'll see about that. Get some rest...and no funny business, I'll be watching."
"Don't I know it. Good night." I said blowing him a kiss and he glared before ending the call.
Meet me under the bleachers in our old spot-B
It was during my free period when I was on my way to the library that I got B's text message. We hadn't crossed paths all morning and I missed her like crazy. I cut through the deserted locker room and went to the dark part of the bleachers where the light didn't really touch, it was our old spot. Britt was standing there, a daisy in her hands as she smirked at me.
"What's up?" I asked and she pulled me by my belt loops until I was pressed against her, she turned us so that I was pressed against the wall with her body blocking mine from view as she leaned in next to my ear.
"Yesterday was amazing, I went home and rubbed one out to one of our old videos."
I groaned and she pulled back, looking into my eyes with so much heat before kissing me. Every time that my hands wandered she brought them to her hips and then went back to groping my breasts and nibbling my neck.
"Oh B...I missed this."
"Me too, baby."
"I wish you could just fuck me right in this spot."
"Don't tempt me." She growled.
We made out like that until the bell rang and then she left me there, panting as she joined the Cheerios on the field for a lunchtime practice.
I rested back against the wall like that until I heard the bullhorn crackle a sure sign that I needed to be anywhere but here.
Thankfully, I managed to get to the library before Q or Sue saw me.
As I got set up with my smoothie and some fruit, my phone buzzed.
Eyes and ears everywhere. Keep fucking with me, Santana-Marco
Hi Daddy, studying in the library. Still coming home this weekend?-Santana
I just might-Marco
Let me know so I can be ready for you-Santana
All I ask, Princesa, what is it?-Marco
That I be a good girl, which I have-Santana
I'm sure you were, like a cat in heat under the bleachers-Marco
And then he sent me a blurry picture of my face. I had my eyes closed and my lip between my teeth as Britt attacked my neck.
Shit.
We were stupid to do that out in the open but Britt made me reckless like that, I just wanted her anytime, anywhere.
I forwarded the picture to Brittany, we need to be more careful-S
I put my phone down, turning the ringer off because what else was there to say.
Wednesday night, I went home and snorted four lines before going to bed without dinner.
The coke seemed to be different these days, where before it woke me up, now it made me tired.
I laid there naked and fucked myself thinking of Brittany, although I wasn't stupid enough to say her name aloud.
When I woke up, it was to a text from Marco and one from Q.
That's what I like to see. Good girl.-Marco
Glee kids going to Rachel's tonight to cheer her up, please come and keep me sane! Schue might even be there-Q
I rolled my eyes and got ready for the day, packing a bag just in case I decided to go to the party. What harm could a glee party be on a weekday?
Marco shouldn't mind, right?
Glee get together tonight for Rachel, should be home before 9, is that okay?-Santana
No.-Marco
What?-Santana
You need to be home like last night, giving me a show.-Marco
I'm going.-Santana
Do you really want to add another thing to the list, Princesa?-Marco
For Rachel, yes, she's worth it-Santana
You've been warned-Marco
The party was a success, Rachel cried and I was there for her when she needed me.
I was home before sunset but I knew that it wouldn't matter to Marco, I had disobeyed a direct order and I knew there'd be hell to pay but like I said, I would do anything for Rachel.
Maybe I'm a bitch but I'm a loyal friend, that cannot be disputed. I even sang a duet with her and my heart felt so full.
My night of rebellion continued as I snorted four lines and then blatantly packed some coke into my bag for the next day. I knew that he saw me but he didn't call or text, not even when I fucked myself thinking of Brittany again.
Maybe he got a life and decided not to be so uptight.
I woke up and snorted two lines and then drove to the Lima Bean and got two large coffees. There were still no messages from Marco. I spent some time before the morning bell in the janitor's closet with Britt, more making out, more of her giving me intense orgasms, more of me not being allowed to touch her. Then she realized that I was high and we had a huge argument.
"I thought you were doing so good?" She yelled at me halfway through the make-out.
"I am!"
"Then why are you high?!" She screeched.
"Because I needed it!"
"No, you don't!"
"You're right...okay...you're right." I said, resisting the urge to apologize but not being able to help it. "Sorry sorry sorry."
"Is this all just about you rebelling against Marco or something?" She asked when I started crying.
"Yes...he...all week has been threatening me and I just can't handle the stress of him coming home this weekend."
"Oh baby, I'm sorry that you feel like you need to be high to cope, come here." Britt kissed my face and held me until I calmed down.
Even though she had gotten me to come down from my hysteria, I was already feeling off in that way that always made Marco uneasy.
My body was quaking as I sat anxiously through AP French trying my hardest not to think about Britt or Marco but as soon as the bell rang, I was the first person out the door, slamming into a few people as I sprinted to the closest bathroom thankful that Cheerio or not, people still feared me.
I had a free period next so I knew that I could take my time getting a hit before going to the library, so I went to the farthest stall, feeling nauseous as I closed the door. The shaking in my hands made me feel insane but the headache that was raging was more painful than any I had ever had so I reached into the inside pocket of my bag and pulled out what I needed.
With one of my text books on my lap, I pulled out a rolled up fifty that I had used that morning and laid it in the ridge of the book, so far there was no sign that anyone was in the bathroom and I let out a deep breath.
The shaking wouldn't stop, so I tried to be quick as I took my credit card and made four perfect lines before I lost my nerve, I had never gone this far at school and I knew that I was letting people down but I needed this so much more than their approval.
As I finished getting the lines perfect, I heard people enter the bathroom and one voice stuck out the most, Britt. She was having a hushed conversation with someone and then I heard Q respond. Had they come looking for me?
Did they know I was here?
Fuck!
Even knowing that they were out there, I needed to finish what I had stared, knowing that if I was going to do this I had to make it quick. So, I let out another breath before I leaned over and did the first two lines.
The buzz was immediate, the conversation stopped. At first, I thought it was just the rush of the drugs but no, they were definitely listening, I tucked my feet back and sat stock still, trying to wait them out and after a moment they went back to their conversation.
I tried to be quieter when I did the next line, I was about to do the last one when I heard the silence again.
My heart was pounding in my ears.
Fuck it...I did the last line and then grabbed some tissue and wiped my nose, there was only a little blood there this time, even with four lines. My body was humming as I quietly put my things away.
I stood up and lowered my pants, knowing they were waiting and listening. If they wanted to be pervs I needed to make some kind of noise, so I forced myself to pee.
The bell rang for the next period and I finally heard the door swing open and then close.
I flushed the toilet and then looked under the stall, no feet.
Good.
Coke was starting to make me paranoid as shit and this was just one of those moments it seemed unavoidable. I should have never done so much during the school day, Marco was right but it was too late. I threw my bag over my shoulder and then unlocked the stall, and stood at the sink, washing my hands for a really long time while looking over my shoulder every few seconds.
Shit...I needed to calm myself.
This was the most cocaine that I had ever done while out in public since New York and I was paranoid about it and that feeling continued for the rest of the morning until I began to come down from my high. As I crashed I felt like I could barely keep my eyes open, the headache was back right as lunch time was about to start and I knew that I needed just one hit to get me through the last two hours of the day. I needed more but I couldn't take such a big risk like four lines, just a little bit...just one.
I leaned into my locker like I was searching for something, dipped my finger into the bag and then put it to my nose, sniffing quickly before fishing out wallet. I was actually hungry for once and I wouldn't pass up the opportunity for a mountain of tots. When I popped my head back out, I looked in my mirror and was grateful that I did because I had a little of powder on my nose and quickly wiped it clean.
I reapplied my lip gloss and then made my way to lunch. Normally, I waited for Q but I was starving so I zipped through the lunch line and then found a table in the back.
I didn't want to be fucked with so I pulled out a text book and began to work through my homework.
The high was just enough to make my head feel a little better.
Had I been sober, I would have noticed that for the first time at lunch, I was sitting alone.
At the end of the day, I was walking to my car with my bag dangling from my fingers, feeling like I just wanted to sleep off the rest of my high but then Quinn and Britt were flanking me.
"What's up, chicas?" I asked as I threw my bag in my backseat.
"Do you want to grab some food and have a picnic in your tree house? I hear that Sandra's been watching the house for your parents." Q said, sounding super casual.
"Um...sure...okay. I haven't been to my tree house in a bit."
"Great!"
Quinn offered to drive and I didn't think anything of it because I was still halfway gone.
I didn't notice how anxious either of them seemed or how they didn't really joke with me like normal, instead I just stared out the window and ignored the buzzing phone on my lap.
And then the Bluetooth connected.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Princesa? You okay, you haven't answered any of my calls today and I've heard you really haven't been yourself today."
"Daddy-o, we talked about you spying on me, it's so not cool."
"Hmmm...how much have you had today?"
"I don't know." I snapped at him.
"This is why we made rules, if you're going to keep snorting blow what is the rule?" He asked sounding concerned.
"Only do it after school and once a day."
"Ay, Princesa, this is getting out of control. Shit...wait, are you driving like this?
I was going to lie but then Quinn shut it down.
"I'm driving, Marco. We're going to have dinner in her tree house and just hang out until she comes down."
"Oh okay, take care of her Quinnie." She rolled her eyes but didn't snap at him.
"I'm working on it."
"Good, Princesa?"
"Hmmm?"
"All I ask...you know, that right?"
"Yes, I know, I am...you know that. I am."
"Good girl."
And then he hung up.
The tears came so fast that I all I could do was let them come. I was crying so hard that my breaths were coming in shallow. Britt leaned forward and took my hand in hers.
"I'm here baby, shhh, we got you, okay...just breathe. I'm here."
I nodded and then, whispered, "Sorry sorry sorry."
After that I felt dazed, my high was gone but my brain hadn't returned.
I was losing my mind.
While Q and B got the tree house set up, I stripped out of my clothes and got in the shower, doing my best to shake myself out of this head space. I hated feeling this way and I knew that I probably looked more dazed than I felt and I was happy that Sandra was out to dinner with Celia.
I dug out some old sweats and then stumbled into the tree house which was lit up and filled with extra pillows and blankets.
Britt smiled at me as Quinn spread out the food on the only visible part of the floor.
My stomach was queasy as I collapsed in a bean bag chair and watched them move about.
And then they both were looking at me.
"What?" I said, not even feeling fired up enough to get snippy with them.
"It's time for us to talk about this problem you have, S. It's getting out of hand."
"Is that what this is about? Is this an intervention? At least you didn't make a whole glee club meeting about it...leave it to you to maintain some decorum, Fabray."
"Hey...don't be mean." B said and I tucked my head.
"Sorry sorry sorry." I said looking over at Q... "Say what you need to say."
"Actually, Noah wrote you a letter, can I read it?"
I shrugged.
Britt cuddled next to me and took my hand, "Please?"
"Okay."
Quinn's hands shook as she held the paper and then gave me one last look before reading NoNo's words.
"Hey lady, you know, I'm down to smoke it up from time to time and I'm all for the legalization of the green. This stuff though babe is bad news. It's going to kill you but first it's going to take you away a little at a time. Each special part of you is going to disappear until there is nothing left and then you will be lost. You are my best friend T, I want you as my best man, I want you as the godmother of my children but you have to stop this. Please? I just want to help anyway that I can, I'm here. Your big brother is here. Don't be mad at baby mama for getting in your face like this, she loves you and you know you'd do the same for her."
I smiled knowing that I would...it touched me that he cared that much.
Then Q put the letter down and faced me, taking my hand into her lap.
"I don't like when you look sad like this, Q."
"I know...but what choice do I have, my whole heart is worried sick. I won't hit you over the head with all the things people say in interventions but I will say what I think you'll hear."
"Okay."
"Do you remember the day we met, you had skinned your knees on the sidewalk outside my house after rollerblading? You were the first non-white person that I ever met and I remember that I was fascinated with you. I helped you up, dusted you off and then I asked you if you spoke English. You called me a racist then I pushed you on your ass and you grabbed me as you went down. You were the first person to match me and surpass me in all levels of bitchiness. You are my sister, my partner in crime, and I have always wanted to be just like you. Lately I have been scared. Scared that I'm going to blink and you will be gone. You are already drifting. I heard you in the bathroom earlier snorting and then a little while ago I was right behind you at your locker. You are like a big sister to me and I am afraid that if you are lost I will get lost trying to save you. Every girl needs her big sister and that is why I wanted to call yours but I didn't want to bombard you. I did tell Sandra even though I knew that you would be mad at me but I begged her to let us talk to you first."
"Wow...I don't know what to say to that."
"I know you're probably super annoyed about it but I can live with that as long as you get the help that you need. I will help you however I can...I will always have your back."
Britt continued to hold my hand and then at the urging of Quinn she decided to go. She took my hand and brought it to her lips.
"Baby, I know it's hard to quit this stuff when your dealer is your husband but even hearing him earlier, how worried he is for you. I shouldn't have gone so far with you this week, I should have stuck to my heart and waited. I will be a better friend to you, Ana but we can't have sex anymore. It's breaking my heart to watch you destroy my favorite person in the whole world. You keep trying to fix things but they don't get better. I want you to get better so I am ending this thing we have for good. I love you always. Please let me help."
"Please don't." I whispered. "I can't be without you...please?"
"I'm still here, Ana, just like you said...we shouldn't be together fully until we belong to each other fully. I love you always, you are still my person, okay?"