Chapter 20: You Pulled Me Through (Jennifer Hudson)

Britt looked at me, waiting for me to answer her question.

Would I let her help me?

I felt hurt and I wanted to lash out at her but that would fix nothing. The last few days of secret rendezvous and make outs had been some of the best. My body responded to her like it was starving for her.

I became pliable and wanton like Marco wanted me to be for him, but Britt didn't have to drug me.

She didn't have to beat me.

Just a look from her, a growl, had me submitting to her like a bitch in heat. Now though, she was asking of me what I had asked of her on the way back from camp. She wanted to just be friends and nothing else until my marriage was over.

Before when I had said it, I wasn't married, and I was under the misguided impression that me and Marco would be over before we started. Now though, I was married, living in his home under constant surveillance and I had an actual addiction.

An addiction that seemed to be taking hold of me way more than Marco's was. He had learned to use coke like a fun time drug...something he did to increase his likelihood of a good time, but I was using it to survive, to live off. Yesterday I had put more coke in my system than food or water.

Looking into those sad eyes made my determination solidify.

"Okay...how?" I asked, and Britt leaned in and hugged me.

And then Quinn was joining in, their bodies strong and steady, holding my weak and ailing one. I closed my eyes and absorbed their love and strength.

The moment was perfect until Q's phone started buzzing.

She looked at it and then groaned before picking up.

"Hello mother...yes...I told you I was eating elsewhere. He is? What, why?" Quinn looked apologetic as she listened to Judy go on and she said reluctantly. "I don't have my car...I'm at the Lopez's so I should be home in ten minutes. Yes, I'll be fine. Mother I have been walking from Santana's house for over ten years by myself and I have a child of my own somewhere, I am pretty sure I can manage walking alone. Yes...yes...okay then, I'll see you in ten minutes. Bye...mother...Judy! I am on my way."

"I take it you have to go?" I asked, and she rolled her eyes, snatching up her smoothie as she stood.

"Russell is over for Friday dinner, there's a surprise, Judy thinks he's getting married or knocked up one of his whores. Apparently Frannie will be calling in as well. He's already there and she is begging me to get home, so she doesn't have to spend any alone time with him. She locked the screen door and has him waiting on the porch."

"Shit, look at her getting a backbone." I said, and Britt chuckled.

"Do you want to come with me, B...I know Marco doesn't want you two alone." Q said, and I swear we both waited for her to crack a smile, but she was serious.

"No. You go, I'll stay. He can't control everything...obviously he hasn't learned yet that the more you try to control Ana without her wanting you to, the more she rebels."

"That is NOT true." I said and this time they both were laughing. I rolled my eyes and threw my straw wrapper at Q. "Get a move on...I love you for tonight. Call me later and tell me what's up with Russell." I pursed my lips and we did something that we hadn't ever done in from of B. She dropped a kiss on my lips.

B though didn't even flinch she just leaned up and then Q kissed her lips too.

I did flinch...cuz what? Since when did they do that too?

"Get over yourself...I'm way more into brunettes." Q said and then winked before leaving me and B all alone.

Finally.

When Q was gone, B took the smoothie from my hands and put it on the little table. She pushed my legs apart and knelt between them.

"What are you doing, B?"

"I'm glad she's gone, we can really talk now."

"Okay, great when did you start giving Quinn little pecks?"

"We are all alone and that's what you want to talk about?" She said, running her hands up and down my thighs.

"You don't want to have sex anymore so what's left?"

"Kissing obviously! We just need to be smart about it."

"Oh." I said and then she pressed her lips to mine.

My heart was swelling, she had known what I needed in all of this. I needed the motivation that she was waiting for me. I needed to feel like she was enough for me and so she was working to make that happen.

Her knee was between my legs, causing friction as she kept kissing me.

I was groaning as she found a way to make me orgasm without actual sex. This was better than any high, she was enough for me in that moment.

"I love you so much, Britt Britt. I can't wait to call you my wife."

"Yeah?" She said grinning at me.

"Yessss." I said as she kept grinding on me.

"You'll do what you need to do then, right?"

"Anything, B."

"Stop provoking Marco, I'm afraid he's going to kill you. Do what he wants until you can safely get away."

I pushed at her shoulders, so I could look at her and could see the seriousness in her eyes.

"He's not going to kill me."

"I don't know, my gut tells me that he could. I know how you like to push and rebel, I can handle that, but he can't."

"Fine, I'll be smarter when it comes to Marco. Anything else?"

"Stop using cocaine especially during the day. I think Marco has the right idea if you have to do it...only do it at home at night."

"I can't believe you are agreeing with Marco about something."

She closed her eyes and sighed before looking at me again.

"In some weird way he cares about you, I wish he didn't, but he does, and I don't think he wants to lose you either."

"But you think he'll kill me even though he doesn't want to lose me?"

"If you push him, he might. He only will lose you on his own terms."

"Fine...I will follow his rules...and what about us?"

"Kissing...this." She said pressing her knee against me again. "And this." She nibbled my neck. "And you calling me by my name...those we can do but only if you do what you need to do and stop rebelling." She said as she whispered in my ear.

"Okay, Britt Britt, I promise you that I will be better."

"Good." She said and kissed my cheek.

The ultimate crash from the coke finally hit me as I curled up with Britt and fell asleep.

My head was pounding when I woke up again. It took me a second to realize that I was back in my old bed at my parent's house and Brittany was gone.

With all the strength I could muster I sat up and tried to blink myself awake.

"Hey girl, about time you woke up it's already past noon."

My head snapped to the side, the body next to me was my sister's and she was laying there playing on her phone.

"How did I get here?"

"When we got back last night, Celia found you and Brittany asleep in the tree house. It was like 2 am, so I sent her home...Celia dropped her off on her way back to Chicago."

"Who put me in bed? You shouldn't be lifting anything." I scolded and then realized that I was in my pajamas. "Who dressed me?"

"That was all Brittany, she picked you up, got you changed and put you in bed. Then she kissed you...I was a little confused about that one."

And then it dawned on me, Sandra knew NOTHING about my life before my wedding day.

She had no idea just how much I sacrificed in carrying on with Marco and if she was going to be sticking around in my life, she deserved to know who I was from me and not through stories and family gossip.

"There's so much you don't know." I said, feeling dazed still as I ran my fingers through my hair and when I hit a snag, yanking my head in the process, I immediately thought of my husband. "Has Marco called?" I asked, and she raised an eyebrow.

"Of course, he has. I told him that you and Brittany fell asleep during your hang out and now you were sleeping next to me, dead to the world."

"Wait, wait, wait...you told him about Brittany?" I asked, feeling the air leave me.

"Yeah, so?"

"She was right, he's going to kill me." I muttered, my hands shaking as I gripped them in my lap. "Where's my phone?"

"Kill you? What's going on?" She gestured to my nightstand and my phone rested on the docking station. I reached for it, terrified of what message he'd probably send me.

And there it was from early this morning.

Brittany, huh?-Marco

Then another message from a few minutes ago.

See you tonight-Marco

"Papi was right, I am a fuck up...shit."

I was fighting tears now, terrified of what was to come. Sandra moved closer to me and rubbed my hair out of my face.

"Ay, Niña, Papi is an asshole. All of his kids think so, well except Damariz, she's just an ass kisser...tell me what I don't know...please?"

I smiled knowing that it was true.

Damariz was the only one out of all of us who followed in his footsteps and became a doctor.

She always took his side.

Bitch.

She rubbed at my back and then I just laid in her lap, letting her comfort me as I laid there, racking my brain for a plan. My future nephew didn't kick at all, he just seemed to be listening.

Nosy brat.

I laughed to myself.

I was so annoyed with all this crap.

"Why can't I escape from all this bullshit, Sandra?"

"Generally speaking, you can't run away from your problems Ana, they just follow you and get bigger because you made them run and now they have muscles." I laughed out loud.

"That's ridiculous."

"What you don't think it's true?"

"No, I believe you it's just I have never heard that kind of explanation from anyone outside of Brittany. It's ridiculous as in, it's funny. I have to tell Quinn about it. She would love it."

"Yea, I'm sure she would."

"Thanks for being here, San, I really appreciate it."

"So, there's trouble in paradise with you and Marco?"

"It was never paradise...ever!"

"Hmm...yea, I kind of figured way back on the wedding day, everything felt so off."

"Because with him, it's always off. He's not Brittany and he knows he never will be."

"So that brings me to a question...You don't have to answer if you don't want because I know that you are like me and you don't like people in your shit, but it would be nice if you'd let me in. I mean after all I am your favorite sister."

"You got that right. Ask away."

I was still crying but it was silent now.

"Are you gay?"

"Yes. Totally a Lesbian."

"So why the sex with guys, I heard about that party."

"You ever heard of a straight girl who sleeps with girls occasionally, like when she's drunk?"

"Yea…they are bisexual, right?"

"No, they're usually straight. Anyway, that's what I do. I get all freaked out with being gay, so I run to guys. It's just easier in the moment…but afterwards, I feel horrible and just wrong. Especially since I feel like I already found my person, Brittany is my endgame."

"Does Papi know?"

"He likes to pretend he doesn't know and I've never corrected him, but Marco knows everything. He knows that she's it for me."

"Hold up, Marco knows that you're gay and in love with someone else and he still married you? Now I see why you're freaking out about him knowing Brittany was here. Is he insane?"

"Yes. He is a sociopath who likes to control my life. He just wants to be Papi's son for real and I think that he figures I'm his best way in. He just has this insane hold over me. He's pushed me to sell myself, to do drugs...to debase myself for his amusement."

"So, you did escort then? I thought I saw you last summer in New York with some old dude on Broadway."

"That was most definitely me, but I got paid well and the more I made, the more Marco loved me, and, on some level, I needed his love. I hate myself for it."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because of the baby, I'm sure." I was shocked that I was being so forward with one of my sisters, letting my walls down and just being honest. It must have been the after effects of the intervention, I just hope it didn't come back to bite me.

"What baby? Are you pregnant?"

"No, I was before though. Papi never told you?"

"Um…I think I would be less shocked right now if he had."

"Figures."

"What happened?"

"Marco raped me when I was 13, I got pregnant tried to hide it, slept with Noah, Marco told Papi about the baby and he beat me until I lost it."

"What the fuck? Why is he still breathing?"

"I know, right...when I got pregnant, Papi saw me as spoiled goods, since he already ruined me he let Marco have free access to me."

"I cannot believe Papi. Wow. Pobrecita. I can't believe you went through all that alone. "

"I had Quinn."

"She was a kid too, you needed me...you needed all of us. I'm sorry that I wasn't here. I'm sorry for your loss."

"It was my fault. This is all my fault. Don't feel sorry for me, even now I push him instead of following his rules. Last night wasn't even planned...I was trying to be a good girl like he wants...I just can't seem to stop fucking up"

She stopped rubbing my head and leaned closer.

"Look at me Santana." I rolled onto my back and looked into her eyes. She was crying. I had never seen her cry, it physically hurt to see my sister in pain, so I know she must have felt for me. "Niña, none of this, the baby, the bruises, the forced sex…yea …even the drugs, Quinn told me that part, none of it is your fault. You are playing the cards you were dealt, it's not your fault you got a shitty hand. I'm so scared for you. I wish I could take you from all this. I wish I didn't live in New York and I lived closer to you but when you come to Columbia and you need me I'm there, baby and all. I think I'll stay in Lima a little longer, to be here for you."

"Thank you." I sighed.

"No, thank you for sharing all that with me, maybe I can start getting through to our father."

"Good luck with that."

I had told Sandra everything and she had done her best to assuage me of my guilt and for the first time, someone in my family was listening to me. Someone was hearing me and when it came to my sobriety, it made all the difference, because of Sandra listening, I felt like I had another reason to fight. Another reason to be better and to keep living.

She cried with me, got pissed with me and then just as I was about to fall asleep she wrapped her arms tightly around me and she prayed with me.

"Abba, I know that you've got this under control. I just hope that Santana knows that you got her back and that her friends and I are here with her. Abba, I just ask that you form a bubble around her, help her with this addiction. Help her to see the value in herself that I see. I know there is a plan for her. Help her find it and stay on her path. I know you love her no matter who she loves, because you created her. Thank you for allowing me to be here with her and help me to continue to do so. Amen"

Sandra was making up for lost time as she made me sit in the kitchen with her while she made me lunch.

The longer I sat, the more my body was getting tremors.

Something that I was learning to be true was that I either needed to regulate myself with small consistent doses of coke or I needed to stop all together. The periods without it and then days spent with one hit after another was making my nervous system go haywire.

Even with the option to fix this, knowing that I still had coke in my backpack. I chose to be present with Sandra.

"So, you two just locked eyes in the locker room and you were inseparable ever since?" She asked as I tore into her arroz con pollo.

"Yeah, we have been through some stuff. I have been afraid to be myself in front her. I have tried to deny how I feel and this past summer I was finally going to come out to everyone and I was going to be out and proud with her and then Marco came back."

"Well, I want you to know that I support you and I love you. You should also know that you are not the only gay sister."

"What? Who?"

"Celia, she lives with her college girlfriend in Chicago. Papi knows, he doesn't like it, but he's been out to dinner with them. He has bought them gifts; vacations and I don't know why he's different with you but know that he's more supportive than you think."

"This Papi that you all know, is a stranger to me. I've never met that guy."

"Maybe as you grow up, you'll get to know him like we know him...and I feel the same way, I don't know the guy you're telling me about. I don't ever want to meet him."

Princesa? Video call.-Marco

I looked at my phone and felt my hackles rise.

"It's my husband."

"Do you have to take it?"

"I do...I've ignored him for long enough."

I kissed my sister's face and then headed to Papi's study. With him and Mami in Atlanta, everything seemed so different. I didn't feel the stress of Papi lurking around a corner, it reminded me of when I was a kid and I would spend days alone in this big house.

Most kids would have gone crazy, but I learned to enjoy my own company. Now it seemed that my time alone was nearly non-existent.

I sat in Papi's oversize chair and put my feet up on his desk, feeling powerful as I looked around the big room. Bookshelves lined the walls, and everything was either leather or wood and there in the very corner was my old piano...a relic that I had been banned from touching.

The phone rang again as I ran a finger over the scar on my wrist.

Marco stared at me, his beard freshly trimmed, a wicked smile on his face.

"Hi, Princesa." He said from the inside of a cab.

"Hi, Daddy-o. Your beard looks nice, I've always liked you with a fresh cut."

"I know, I had to make sure you got to see your husband looking his best." He was cheesing, and I rolled my eyes playfully. This was the way I liked him, his old self before all the raping and beating, he was sober.

"So, you're coming home?"

"Not exactly. We have a layover in Fort Wayne, going to meet our client there and then fly with him Utah."

"We?"

"Mr. Evans and I, so I'm going to need you to drive to the airport and meet us."

"Um...why?"

His happiness vanished.

"So that I can see my wife to make sure you're doing okay, in person. I don't have time to go all the way to Lima, so you'll meet me there. The layover is three hours, so be there at 4pm, look nice, I'd really like to impress my client. We can have an early dinner before we leave."

"Can I bring-" I began to say but he cut me off.

"You are to come alone! It is only a one-hour drive, it's a straight run. Is that too much to ask, Princesa?"

"No, Daddy." I said, smiling back at him, hoping to keep him from snapping at me. "Did you need me to bring you anything from home?"

"How considerate of you, baby. I don't need anything but you. 4pm, private jet entrance. Come sober client is a Mormon and we need his business."

"Okay."

"I love you, Anita."

"I love you too."

I was panicking as I called Britt, but she didn't answer.

B, please I need you.-Santana

In dnce class, I'll cll whn it's ovr-B

It's about Marco.-Santana

Almost immediately she called me, sounding breathless.

"What happened?"

"He's insisting that I meet him at the Fort Wayne airport to help him impress a client."

"Oh, is that really a bad thing?"

"B, the last time that he said that phrase I was on my knees with a cock shoved in my mouth."

"You don't think...he's not serious, right?"

"I've been pushing him all week, B. He can't get home to beat my ass this might be his way of getting me back." I was crying now, and she was silent. "Say something, fuck!" I snapped. She let out a little growl and my response was immediate. "I'm sorry, I'm just taking your words to heart and I don't know if I can do that again."

"Then don't. If he can't come home...maybe, you'll have to put your foot down."

"It doesn't work like that."

"Make it work like that!" She snapped.

"Okay...I will try."

"Do you want me to come?"

"No...he was adamant that I should come alone."

"Then you'll call me, I'll talk to you the whole way there and back. Fuck what he says, I'm staying over with you tonight."

"Really?!" I was excited.

"Yes, just don't tell him...let him find out after it's already happening, can you do that?"

"Okay, B. I have to go home and get changed. Go back to class. I'll call you when I'm headed to the airport."

"Good. I love you, it's going to be okay. You've got this...you're strong and beautiful and no matter what, you're mine. Got it?"

"Got it."

I sat there taking deep breaths and then decided that I wouldn't piss him off if I could help it. I would do my best to be a good girl, a good wife to him in front of his client and I would steer clear of being alone with Mr. Evans. Britt had given me something to look forward to when I got home, so that was what my focus was.

Sandra didn't need to get wrapped up in this, but I would bring him some food, maybe that would help him to stay calm and happy. My mind was going a million different directions as I made my way back to the kitchen.

I needed to tell my sister something, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I had told her enough. As my mind was running wild, my phone chimed and immediately I felt calm.

U r my moon, u r my sun, and when the long day is finally done u are the dreams that cloud my mind, u r the hope that lives inside, and when my life is finally through, I know that I will spend eternity walking side by side with u. Breadstix and cuddles tonight. I love you-B