Chapter 22:Because of You (Kelly Clarkson)

I got onto the highway and then she began to ask more questions, but I couldn't hear them over the crazy thoughts running through my head, so I just said exactly what she wanted to know, no more, no less.

"Look I can't take this test in Lima alright. Marco will find out and if it's nothing then I will get my ass kicked for nothing. Now please shut the fuck up and let me drive."

Quinn uncharacteristically shut up and just put a hand on my thigh, rubbing lightly, trying to encourage me. I drove all the way to a town 50 miles out from Lima, a shit town called Parkson. I didn't think that Marco could know every fucking person in Ohio at least that is what I was hoping for.

His indifference this week had been some of the best sleep that I had all summer long. I figured if this test was nothing, then this would just be a day trip and seriously, could he really be tracking my phone right now and even he was, he would probably wonder what business I was had there.

For all he'd know it could be another random glee trip. That did happen from time to time. I had been here before, just randomly with Britt when we got lost on our way home from Cincinnati. Back then I would have never been able to imagine that I would be back for this kind of thing.

Who would?

I hoped that this place could give me the answers that I needed so desperately, on top of that I was thinking about Britt and suddenly felt glad that she hadn't gone there with me with anything other than a strap on, if I had given her something, I would have never been able to forgive myself. On top of that, I knew for a fact that she was having sex with Finn and even though I don't really care for him, I wouldn't want to spread anything to him either.

But Marco, God, of anyone on this Earth, he is the last person that I'd want to hurt in anyway. Not because I care but because if he hurts, I hurt. If this was indeed a thing then it was going to be my entire ass.

Trial or not, I could see him ignoring the unspoken truce we had and coming for my head. Mr. Evans was growing to dislike Marco and knowing him, he was making him be sober for this trial.

And I knew what being suddenly sober did to a person. All the side effects of coke amplified and instead of feeling good, you felt your very worst. I didn't want to be on the other side of his wrath and for the first time all week I was on edge, but I had just reason, my very safety was on the line.

I just needed to know one way or the other, what I had gotten myself into. I was tired and fed up with my own bullshit, too much had happened over the course of the three weeks since we'd come back from camp.

Other seniors were enjoying hang outs and last first experiences, and I was married, hooked on coke, and burning bridges with the people I loved. I just couldn't take this pressure today, but I had no other choice.

So even though Q had invited herself, I was glad that I had her with me, she was my ride or die and there was no one I'd rather have by my side.

"Whatever this is, we will get through it." She said as we pulled up outside Planned Parenthood.

"I'm working so fucking hard to be clean Q. You know, that right?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Maybe it took me longer to see it but now I do. I've got your back. This isn't helping you stay clean, but I support you, I'm here for you and I will not let you go through this alone."

"Thanks, boo."

The woman at the clinic told me that if I waited around I could get my results immediately, so I did just that, I gave paid the fee for the tests from the money I earned from Mr. Evans and then I sat down next to Quinn who looked comfortable as can be as she sat in the waiting room with her ankles crossed reading.

"You sit in a lot of waiting rooms?" I asked, and she gave me a sad smile.

"When I was pregnant I did...you get used to it."

"I bet."

I sat there next to her, feeling uneasy but trying hard not to give a shit.

"If this is something, how are you going to tell Marco?" Quinn asked trying to make conversation.

"No frigging clue." I was suddenly over sitting there, so I stood up and dried my sweaty palms on my jeans. "I need a cigarette. I'll be right back."

"Wait, I can come with you!"

"Don't bother, just text me if they call my name. There's a store across the street."

"Okay, just be careful, alright?"

"Yeah, just listen for my name."

I left her there and walked to the closest store. Thankfully, she let me be and didn't follow, I needed some air and time away from the questions.

Being sober was important to me but what I really wanted was something more only I had no way to get it, so I settled for cigarettes.

Cocaine didn't rule my life.

That's what I was trying to learn. I'd been to two meetings already talking about the steps and I thought it was a load of shit, but I did understand that it did sometimes feel like one moment at a time. This was what I needed versus what I wanted, and my sisters voice lingered in my head...I could do this.

I found a store a block away from the clinic and went inside.

There was a sign that said that I had to buy the cigarettes at a back counter.

I got two packs and then was headed out when I heard the word blow.

The sound of the voice was really low but when you have an addiction...or the ghost of one...there are triggers that control your mind.

The word blow...was mine.

I looked into the next aisle and there was a shady looking guy handing something off to a scrawny looking dude. For a moment, I was tempted to walk over to him but this seemed a bit off since it was happening in plain sight in the daylight hours. The last thing that I needed was to get arrested or be stuck in Lima like a loser.

So, I grabbed a drink out of the fridge in the next aisle, taking my time to walk closer. My instincts had been right, I was on my way over to him one way or another, when I heard the sirens.

This was a sign that I didn't need this shit, so I put the drink back and I got the hell out of there hoping to God that nobody questioned me.

As I was walking across the street, I saw the shady looking guy handcuffing the scrawny dude that he just sold the blow to. The dealer had been a cop.

Great!

If I hadn't hesitated I would be in the back of that squad car too. That was too fucking close for comfort.

I was shaking like a leaf when I walked back into the clinic. Quinn was watching me over her book, but I avoided her eyes. Even though she was trying to trust me I'm pretty sure that she thought that I was high, and I didn't really blame her. When I sat next to her, she was trying to see my eyes, but I looked away again.

Fuck her...that was not what I needed right now but she didn't know that. I had given her no reason to trust me. Thankfully, the nurse had impeccable timing and saved me from an interrogation.

"Ana Vega?"

I pushed up from the chair, not looking at Quinn and followed the nurse into the back room, while I knew that Q had been checking to see my eyes I didn't want to let her because I didn't want to her to see my fear. I wanted to seem brave, nonchalant even, but Q knew me better than that. She knew me too well for me to get away with a fake ass facade.

She even knew me too well for me to get away with attempting to get coke, one look at me and she would have seen that getting high had been my intention even if I didn't go through with it and would have given me shit for it.

"Well, you're lucky, Mrs. Vega, this is very treatable. You have Chlamydia. You should contact your sexual partners. Take this round of antibiotics and in a week, you should be good to go. Also, you should try to avoid any sexual activity until then and alcohol usage. Any questions?"

"Why couldn't I tell?"

"Symptoms differ in people. You may have felt other things, more tired than usual, a loss of appetite."

"I have felt that...yeah."

"Okay, well plenty of water and rest, and as I said refrain from sex and alcohol for the next 8 days."

"Thank you."

Chlamydia.

What the actual fuck?

I nodded and took the pill bottle from her.

When I checked my phone and saw that it was nearing two, I knew that we could still make it back to school in time for glee club. We just had to go now.

I rushed past Q and out of the clinic not even checking behind me to see if she followed because she always followed, even when I didn't want her to.

When we got into the car I could see that the cops were still at the store.

Did they notice me?

Shit, we needed to go. I put the car in gear and then I saw them looking towards my car, so I drove the speed limit and kept checking my rear-view mirror until we were back on the highway.

We weren't followed...thank the sweet Lord.

"What happened?" Quinn asked placing a hand on my leg. "You're acting paranoid."

"What? What do you mean? I'm fine."

I was anxious, did she know what I was going to do or was I just actually being fucking paranoid.

They say the effects of cocaine can last long after you are sober again.

Is that what this was?

Shit!

"God, San are you high? If you are please pull over!"

"No Quinn I'm not fucking high. Just pissed off, I'm trying to get back before glee starts okay. Just let me drive in peace." I snapped before lighting a fresh cigarette.

"Fine." She said as she lit her own cigarette.

The car was quiet for a second, but Quinn has never been able to just let shit like this go. So now with a cigarette to calm her down, she took a deep breath and then tried again, this time with a less accusatory tone.

"Is it curable at least?"

"Yea. It's fucking Chlamydia. If I have it, I know that he does. Marco is going to fucking skin me alive."

"God, I hope not, this is good compared to what it could have been. What he is going to do though, is probably very bad. This is a huge embarrassment and we know how insecure he can get."

"You got that right. This is very bad. He has left me alone for a week and now all the shit he brushed off is going to compound with this, I just know it."

"Do you know who gave it to you?"

I shrugged.

"Has to be Azimio or Perkins...right? He knew enough to tell me, and I had already been clean before camp, trust me I checked, it has to be one of them."

"I guess so."

We pulled into the school parking lot as the clock rolled over to 3:10, we were only ten minutes late, Mr. Schue probably was just getting to the choir room himself.

I took a deep breath and then turned towards Q, she looked at me wide eyed, but I didn't even smile.

"So how is your arm, really and are there any other bruises?"

"A few on my back but my arm got the worst of it, you basically stepped on me."

"Shit, I'm so sorry, Q."

"I know, what sucks the most is that Sue benched me after seeing it. She's afraid I'm broken or some shit, so I'm yelling at the girls from the sidelines."

"What can I do to fix it?"

"Nothing, I forgive you for your lapse in sanity and I will fully be over it when the bruises are gone. I just need you to stay sober. I haven't been afraid like that in a very long time and I'd like to never feel like that again."

"I know all too well how that feels. Are we cool?"

She sighed and patted my leg. "Yes. I love you, I have your back but if you ever hit me like that again, there's no coming back from that...okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I love you and I'm sorry."

"I love you too and I'm glad that you're sorry."

"Okay, now that we got that sorted, get out."

She leaned over and kissed my cheek, not bothering to argue.

I waited for her to get out and then yelled out my window,

"Dinner is at seven tonight if you want to come, I have to go."

I pulled back out of the lot and drove around for a while smoking and thinking about how I was going to tell Marco.

Of course,...turns out I wouldn't have to.

My phone went off and I ignored it and then it went off again, back to back calls and I knew I was in deep shit.

Marco hates it when I ignore him, and he knew that school was out.

"Why didn't you answer the first time?"

"I'm driving this expensive car that I didn't want to crash."

"I just left the doctor's office... can you guess why?"

"Hold on let me pull over."

I could hear him grumbling but I knew that shit was about to get bad and I couldn't be driving like that and then to make matters worse, I took my time getting back on the line by stopping to light another cigarette and then finally, I got back on the phone.

"I just got back from the clinic myself, I'm so sorry. That fucker Azimio just told me to get myself checked out. I was about to call you, actually."

"You are so lucky that I'm not there right now, Santana."

Full name always equals deep shit.

"I know, I am. I'm sorry about this."

"Not as sorry as you're going to be."

"Did they tell you that it's curable, at least?"

"Yes Santana, I know what fucking Chlamydia is! I will see you in tonight."

I hated when he talked to me like I was an idiot.

"Wait, tonight? What about your case? I thought you couldn't leave?"

"I don't have court until Monday morning. I am coming to Lima, just to see you my love and deal with this issue in person. I will be back on a plane in the morning. Pick me up at 8 in Dayton. Don't be late!"

He hung up in my ear and I punched the steering wheel.

I knew what was coming and I was freaking out.

Forget dinner Marco is coming home tonight, you might want to go see Papi.-Ana

What? Why?-Sandra

Long story. I'm going to text Quinn to cancel. See you in 5.-Ana

Are you on the way home, No glee?-Sandra

Not today. See you in a minute.-Ana

SOS. Dinner is off tell B not to come.-S

What happened?-Q

Did you tell him already?-Q

Marco is coming home to kick my ass and then leaving in the morning. I'm freaking.-S

Shit, this is NOT good.-Q

Still at glee told B dinner is off. Please let me know if u need anything.-Q

A miracle.-S

I pulled back onto the road and drove straight home.

Despite making it through a half a pack of cigarettes, I was shaking again but worse this time. The shaking was so bad that it was hard for me to drive properly, thank God I didn't get pulled over. I needed a hit of something stronger than cigarettes and I was thinking that I might just do one more line, but all luck had left me.

Sandra was waiting for me in the driveway shifting from one foot to the other anxiously, I have never seen her like this before, she climbed into the car and told me to drive to Breadstix.

Of course, she reamed me out about the cigarettes and tossed a pack out of the window and into the street.

"Littering is a crime, Sandra." I tried to joke but it fell flat.

"Tell me what's happening."

"I have an STD that I got from the guys on the football team. I just found out and Marco has it too. Thankfully it's treatable even though I feel gross, I'm happy that it's nothing permanent. Either way he's coming home tonight just to pay me a visit."

"Wow...and what have you learned from the STD?"

"Really, sis, right now?"

"Yes, I know you have impending doom coming but we need to address the root problem."

"I have learned to never have unprotected sex even though I don't remember it."

"Another thing, hang out with the kind of people who won't take advantage of your inebriation, okay?"

"Yeah, agreed."

"Good, now what's the plan for tonight?

"I don't have one, stay alive, I guess."

We ate in silence after that, not even the amazing bread sticks could cure my nerves and then after dinner, I sat in the car sobbing my heart out. I was so distraught that driving would have put my sister and her unborn child in jeopardy. So, Sandra took the wheel, occasionally glancing at me.

"We are no safer if I have to worry about you hyperventilating."

"I know." I said, my voice choked up.

"Breathe...that's it. In and out."

Once I was calm enough, I closed my eyes and was honest with my sister.

"He's going hit me, no doubt. I doubt he'll kill me, but he might lose control. I'm so scared because he's built up anger towards me, instead of getting at me little by little he's been holding it in so...please...promise me that you will stay out of his way. If anything were to happen to you or the baby..."

"If he touches you I will kill him."

"Please, stay out of it Sandra. I'm going to take whatever punishment he gives me like a woman. I did this. Granted I don't remember it, but it obviously happened."

"I don't care, I will kill him."

"If I scream for you, call the cops and Papi...how about that?"

"If he hurts you. He is going to die...how about that?"

"Sandra, don't."

"Santana, I'll do what I want."

Sandra wasn't going to back down from this and I wasn't even going to try to fight her on it. As a retired marine, she was trained to kill, who was I to stop her.

We got to the airport just after eight. Once again, the trip to the airport was doomed. Even though we left the restaurant with plenty of time to spare, a fucking tractor-trailer jackknifed in the middle of the highway and so we were backed up for almost an hour. Even though I warned him, I knew that being late was going to just increase Marco's ire, but this was out of my control.

The moment that I saw Marco the shaking came back, and I felt like I was slowly losing control again. I didn't want him to see me so unwound, but he literally promised me that this visit was just so that he could kick my ass. He didn't even have any luggage with him because of course not.

When he saw me, he didn't smile or nod he just stared right through me, I climbed out of the passenger seat and slid into the back, not trusting him to sit behind me. As we pulled away, Sandra told him about the accident that held us up and he made it seem like no big deal. They even joked around, my sister's laugh sounding fake to my ears and his seeming forced. I could tell that he was thrown off because he hadn't counted on the fact that I wasn't alone but knowing him I'm sure he still had a plan.

He was being cordial to Sandra, but I knew that he just wanted her not to be around but try as he might, he couldn't get her to leave me. It would draw too much suspicion. He seemed really exhausted and angry with the whole situation which scared me even more, but I stayed quiet and just tried my best not to piss myself.

Hey, what's up-Q

In the car now with him and Sandra-S

Should I worry?-Q

Always-S

That's what I'm afraid of-Q

Should I tell B?-Q

No, she'll come and make it worse-S

Ok just keep in touch if you can-Q

I will-S

When I looked up from my phone, Marco was turned in his seat looking right at me.

I put the phone down and smiled at him, but he didn't return it, instead he went right back to his conversation.

God help me.

When we got back home, Sandra hugged me tight to her chest and then kissed my temple.

"Call for me...if you need me." She whispered.

I nodded and wished her a goodnight.

When Sandra went off to the guest room and shut the door, I lost all hope because I was at his mercy and from the look in his eyes, I knew that it was on.

Marco grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, shutting the door quietly and locking it.

I clutched my phone and stood there, waiting for whatever was about to come.

"Give me your phone." He said, and I handed it to him, happy that I had thought to erase my messages and call history while I sat in that backseat. He put it in his pocket and then said just as nicely, "Show me how you can be quiet, Princesa." I nodded, and he advanced on me. "Strip and if I find a hickey or a scratch, you'll pay...do it...ahora mismo."

He watched me undress and then twirled his finger. I turned around for him, knowing he'd find nothing since Britt had cut me off. When he was satisfied with his inspection, he grabbed my arms and held me against the wall, I didn't make a sound hoping that being a good girl would pay off.

There was so much rage in his eyes as he held me tightly and even with the weight of his hands, I could tell that he wasn't putting all his strength behind it.

Marco was smart in his abuse, he didn't want to leave any trace of the pain that he wanted to cause me, and he knew that Sandra was trained to kill with her bare hands, pregnant or not she could kick his ass, so he was being cautious.

Controlled, even but like I had said to Sandra, Marco has always been a hothead, so I knew that he wouldn't be able to restrain himself for much longer and I was too right.

"So, word around town is that you are trying to be sober. That true?"

"Yes. I slowed down like you wanted me to and then I stopped." I squeaked out.

"I don't like you sober, you know that."

"Marco...please...I can't get high anymore. You told me to slow down, that's what I did."

He ignored me.

"Tell me, did you use the stuff in my sock drawer yet?"

I nodded as I looked him straight in the eye.

"Daddy, please, I just don't like what it does to me. I don't like not being in control."

"Oh, but I love you more when you aren't in control, can't you tell by now, Princesa? Hmm?"

He left me standing against the wall and then went to his sock drawer, I didn't dare move because I knew that he was watching me closely the whole time.

Marco was relying on my fear of him even though he didn't trust me, he knew that as long as he occasionally glared at me, I wouldn't budge.

Sandra was only down the hall...it wouldn't take much for me to run but he knew my fear, there was nothing to worry about. He had done and continued to do, everything that he could to break me but instead of physically this game was all psychological.

I watched him as he pulled out his supply and made lines on the glass top of the dresser, when the number of lines went past six, I knew I was done.

After Sunday, I knew that more than six was going to make me insane and my heart sank.

I don't know how many lines there were by the time he emptied the bag or what his point was, but I knew that my sobriety would be ending tonight, less than one week after it started.

Interventions were useless if I was still tied to this man.

He handed me the rolled-up bill as he yanked me across the room.

The cocaine was lined up neatly and I wanted to cry out to my sister, but I didn't because my inner addict was clawing at me as he stood with his hand on my arm.

"You snort every single line. I control you, Santana. Fuck everyone meddling. You belong to me and it's time you realized that. Had you listened to me in the first fucking place, we wouldn't be here right now doing this. Now...do it." He growled into my ear.

I didn't think anymore as I bent over and took line after line. He cackled in triumph as I choked but even though I was tripping hard when I was at seven lines, I kept going even though I felt jittery.

It was too much.

Too strong.

But he didn't care.

I stumbled backwards clutching my chest when I couldn't handle another line.

"Please...n-n-no more." I begged.

My lungs felt like they were going to collapse as I laid back on the bed. I tried to slow down my breathing, but the breaths were coming out short and fast.

Was this an overdose?

Marco finished whatever coke was on the dresser and then he pushed me further onto the bed. I knew what was next and I had no power to stop him. He was my husband, what was the use in fighting as he took full advantage of my near catatonic state.

I had no control over my body or my voice anymore since he was clutching his hands around my neck, cackling as he rammed into me over and over again.

My mind couldn't focus on the pain of my head slamming into the headboard because I was just trying so hard just to breathe.

I felt like I was dying, like I was slowly losing touch with reality and even as I was drowning, he didn't seem to notice. I should have known what came next, but I couldn't think anymore, I had lost too much oxygen and there were popping noises in my head.

So, I closed my eyes for a moment and allowed the darkness to take me under but then my eyes wouldn't open back up.

My mind went to Brittany, who had been avoiding me since I cut her off yesterday, I thought of her marrying Finn and forgetting me. I thought of Quinn finding a friend that didn't hurt her so much. I thought of my parents finally free of their drain of a child. I thought of my sisters mourning me and then forgetting me like they had most of my life.

As Marco drained my life, I finally thought of Noah's letter and I wondered if this is what he meant when he said I was going to be lost if I kept doing blow.

Which begged the question, if I was in fact lost, would anyone ever be able to find me?