Chapter 23: Under The Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

As everything was fading to black, I felt him let go of my neck and I heard him curse. My eyes wouldn't stop rolling and the urge to swallow was unattainable. I couldn't seem to get my throat to cooperate with the need so the vomit and spit was leaking down my face and onto the bed that cushioned my face.

He was frantic in his panic and even through all the pain, it gave me a moment of vindication to hear him freak out like I had been all day long.

My skin felt like it was on fire as the drugs zoomed through me but it felt like the fire was on the surface of a swimming pool that I was sinking to the bottom of. I tried hard to breathe and maybe even to cry out but I couldn't make a single sound.

Even now I was a good girl, showing him how I could be quiet.

"Princesa, fuck...you pushed me too far. I ask so little of you, you little puta. I can't deal with this shit. Get up!" He was mumbling harshly but my body was no longer my own and he kicked something, then groaned before he left me there.

There was more vomit, more popping in my head and my eyes were like fucking marbles that wouldn't stop rolling. My mind fuzzed and wrinkled but then there was the sound of pounding feet in or out of the room, up or down the steps. Rolling eyes, roll and cross back and forth. Fuzzy, mushy, soft. I wanted to lift my head, I wanted to open my eyes but my head weighed a thousand pounds and my eyes were glued closed.

Each time I tried to say a word a whistle would sound instead of words. I was floating in and out of sleep, Marco was gone, that was for sure. My body was bare to the world as I hung half off the bed.

Was I asleep or awake and if I was sleeping, how long had I been out?

After the thudding and banging, I managed to get my eyes open or at least it felt like it but there was nothing but darkness. No shadows, no anything, just darkness.

Then there were sirens and voices, so many voices. I tried to open my eyes for real and I tried to call out to them but nothing would happen.

It was like there was no one really there.

So I stopped fighting to reach out to someone and just closed my eyes, I stopped screaming and tried to ignore the pain that was creeping into my consciousness.

For so long I had felt tired, I had felt trapped but now I let the darkness swallow me whole, finally embracing the darkness. I chuckled to myself as I thought of Finn in that waiting room what was it, a week or two ago? Time was nothing anymore. He had thought I was making a cruel joke about ending up at the hospital.

He thought I was heartless but now who was the heartless one?

Rolling eyes, burning skin, body flying, jerking, foaming, dripping mouth and then the white and then the black. Murmurs and voices and sirens.

Crying, begging, whimpers.

No pain...searing pain.

My body was floating and my chest was being slammed.

After all of it, I rested in softness, I felt like I was dying and I was welcoming it with open arms.

At 18 years old, I was ready to be done with this life. I floated in the fire filled swimming pool for an eternity, my skin refusing to fully ignite.

The world didn't want to let me go and I couldn't figure out why.

My throat ached but the whistle seemed to be gone and my body felt heavy as the flaming pool drained at last leaving me lying there at the bottom with echos of noise and conversation.

I tried to force my eyes open but the pin needles made it nearly impossible. When I was able to push past the pain, all I could see was whiteness. It was all fuzzy. I needed my contacts or glasses or something. I blinked a few times until I saw a familiar blonde facing away from me but her fingers were holding onto mine. I couldn't squeeze back but the comfort of her touch was bringing me back. Quinn had always been my tether and even now, it seemed to be true. When the sounds got to be too much and the whiteness overwhelming I closed my eyes again.

"I can't believe he just left her there to die." Said a voice that sounded like my mother and then, I was sure of it as she placed the blame on someone else. "Why weren't you there?"

"Gladys that's not fair. Sandra has been doing everything she can to keep Santana together." Quinn said.

"What's not fair is that my daughter has been unconscious for days! I've had to lie to all of her teachers and to our family about why she's here. This is a shame on the family and if Sandra was down the fucking hallway from them and is trained as fucking marine to protect and shit, why hadn't she done something!"

"Cool your jets, Gladys, first of all, I am pregnant and beating him down just because of what he might have done is a ridiculous notion. Second, there was no noise until he left, I thought maybe she was exaggerating and he was just coming home to have some married time. I should have known better but I misjudged the situation. I am sorry for that. I just need you to understand that he was silent while he did this and you of all people, have no right to judge anyone about protecting her. I know about you letting Papi beat her."

"How dare you speak to me like that!"

"Hey, coma or not, she can hear you." Quinn whispered.

"No problem, I'm leaving. I can't be here with her." Mami said and then I heard the click of her heels and the door closing.

"That woman is insane, so tell me...since this has been the first time she has allowed me to be up here, how did you know to check on her?"

"I heard footsteps pounding down the steps and then tires screeching. I looked into the driveway and her old car was gone. I went upstairs to see who had left and there she was crumpled, hanging off the bed, face down. I thought she was dead but then I felt for her pulse and it was steady and I was sure she was okay but the next moment, her eyes rolled back and she stopped breathing so I did what I had to do. No man left behind."

"Oh God, so you carried her in your condition? Tell me you got checked out?"

"Yea, I know I shouldn't have carried her, that's what the doctors were saying but I had no other choice. She had stopped breathing so I gave her CPR and when I got her to start breathing again, I threw her skinny ass over my shoulder and brought her here. She isn't heavy. The baby is fine, I was urged not to be a hero if this happened again but I swear on everything I love, this will not happen again on my watch."

"I've been saying that for years, it's inescapable. He has a hold on her and even after this, I guarantee that she'll still let him back in some way. I just try to keep her alive at this point and if I was there, I wouldn't have let her out of my sight don't let Gladys make you feel bad, you don't know what you don't know. I'm just glad you were there to bring her back."

"Me too."

"So what do the doctors say? Is there any change?"

"That she has lost a lot of oxygen to her brain and that they can't really tell what's going on until she wakes up."

"Has anyone heard from Marco?"

"Well my dad spoke to him. He is back in New York and denies even being here but my dad listens to me and he knows that Marco is lying. He just doesn't realize how bad things are."

"So they are just treating it as a regular overdose and monitoring her? That's it?"

"Yea and because my dad works here they are treating it delicately. Thank God. The people in this town are so small minded and you know how gossip travels. I don't want her last few months here to be any harder than this past few weeks have been."

"Try the last few years." Quinn said in her coldest voice.

And without seeing it, I knew that my sister flinched.

I listened to my sister and Q going back and forth for a while before I decided to make my presence known.

My voice came out low and crackled, I barely recognized it.

"Hey." That one word made my throat burn and my head ache ten times more.

They turned to me in shock and I tried to smile but it hurt, so I just looked at them both and let the tears flood my eyes.

"Hey Ana, I'm so happy that you're awake. Mamita, I was so scared when I thought you were dead! I'm so happy to see your big brown eyes again! I'm going to get the doctor...oh thank God!"

Sandra was crying and I had to look away, it was too much to see someone as strong as her breaking down over someone as insignificant as me.

I looked over to the other side of the bed and I saw Q staring at me with tears in her eyes but she wasn't letting them fall.

She smiled at me almost shyly but then when I smiled back a big grin covered her face.

"Hey San. You gave all of us quite a scare. I have been here everyday to see you or at least I've tried, your dad has this room on lock down but now you're awake which means that you're getting better."

"How…how long have I been here?" I squeaked out as Sandra came back in and told us that the doctor was on the way.

"You've been in a medically induced coma for five days days, it's Wednesday morning. I'm supposed to be at school but I just couldn't be there because my focus sucked, I was just so worried about you."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, this isn't your fault. No one blames you." Quinn said leaning in closer pushing my hair out of my face.

She kissed my face and then caressed my cheek.

I felt peace surround me but I was still full of hurt and anger.

"My dad probably does."

I knew that I was being defiant but I knew that it was true.

"Fuck Papi. He's going to do right by you, I promise you."

I could tell that my sister had seen enough of what I had been through, because I had been secretive about all my shit with Papi and Marco in the past, it was like a shock now that I have been open and honest and she was seeing it up close. Of course, honesty comes with a price, my world was falling completely apart and everyone had opinion about it.

My parents thought they had a say but they'd lost that chance. I had tried their way of doing things by marrying Marco and now I think it's up to me to start doing things my way.

I got myself through the bullshit this long and I managed well so now I needed to do that again just until I got to New York.

Hopefully with Britt by my side.

"Britt." I asked Q and I watched her face fall, then she shook her head.

"She refuses to come."

"Oh."

"Hey, don't cry." She said wiping at tears I didn't know where there. "She needed to distance herself from this or she would have lost it."

"Finn." I said and she sighed, nodding.

I didn't need to know anything else. She had chosen him over me, just like I had chosen Marco over her. It was a fucked up way to take a stand but I deserved it.

Q and Sandra left a little while after I woke up and then the doctors came in.

They examined me, poked and prodded me and then made me sit through a psychiatric evaluation before they brought in a drug addiction counselor.

One of them had mentioned suicide watch but another corrected him that Papi had vetoed that.

I couldn't believe that they actually thought I tried to kill myself!

Insanity!

I didn't snap at them though, they were doing everything they could to help me.

My neck had healed beautifully, that's how the doctor put it. When I asked to see it, they gave me a hand mirror and I could see that bruises wrapped around my neck in a sickly yellow shade. The doctor smiled at me but I think he was just he was just trying to be nice because of who my father was.

I was in and out of it all day, waiting for my sister and Q to come back. It felt like an eternity as I sat there staring blankly at the television feeling I was all alone.

As usual.

When the psychiatrist had come in to see me, she had asked me to write down all the things that troubled me but I really could only think of one thing other Marco and what he had done to me and that Britt.

Silly I know, but I have just been through the ringer and honestly the thing for me that has been missing the most was my best friend.

Before the doctor left I asked her if she could find me some paper and a pen.

She seemed happy that I wanted to write my emotions down.

I am great with quips and witty remarks in the heat of the moment but when it comes to expressing how I feel I always freeze up.

So I set about writing Britt a letter.

Dear Britt Britt,

When I woke up in this stupid hospital gown and surrounded by all these people poking at me, I kept thinking about the time that you broke your arm and I sat beside your bed and we made a game out of the doctors and nurses lives, we made it our own little soap opera.

Remember that?

I tried to do that again today but I realized what made the game so fun was you. I know that you and I are taking a break from each other right now and that you are dating Finn but I just wanted to let you know that no matter what happens this year, know that I love you so much!

I wanted us to start off slow again, build our friendship back up and then maybe in the future we can be together but then I chose Marco over and over again, how could I expect you to do any different. For me, we are still endgame. I still want to move to New York and have babies with you but I will respect your relationship with Finn.

I will give you your space while I take time to get healthy and become worthy of the love that you give me. I am still in the process of pulling myself out of this hole. I am glad that you aren't here right now because I think it would break my heart to allow you to see me as this broken shell of who I am as a person.

You should always see me as beautiful and whole.

So it's okay that you aren't here, I do however request that you please send along your comfy duck pajamas with Q, so that I don't have to wear this gown anymore. My ass is freezing!

Love Always,

Ana

Quinn came back by herself that night.

She told me that Sandra was currently at my dad's house fighting with my parents on my behalf. I knew that my sister would soon realize just what it is that I had been up against for so long. The only difference is that she is more likely to get Papi to listen.

And if she can't do it on her own, I know she'll enlist my sisters. Papi is an asshole and he's stubborn just like me.

Like Sandra said, we don't like authority unless we are the authority and Papi is everywhere he goes.

The hospital.

Town supervisors.

City Council.

and at Home but even with all that authority, if anyone could get through to him, it was her.

I felt secure in the face that he would never lay a hand on her in anger so she was probably better at fighting battles against him then I was or ever would be.

My head was hurting me bad as I laid on my side and stared out the window at the sunset. One of the random tremors that I had been having ran through my body and I pulled the blanket tighter around myself, wishing I had those ducky pajamas so badly.

I could see Quinn's reflection in the window, hovering in the doorway. She had been so nervous around me since I hurt her and now, it seemed she was afraid for a whole new reason. I couldn't be that reason.

"Q?"

"Yes San? Do you need like water or something?"

"No, I need you not to treat me like I am about to break and climb into this bed with me."

She laughed and then came closer to the bed, "I'm not that easy you know you have to at least take me to dinner first." She winked at me before climbing in and spooning my side.

I lifted my arm and waited for her to put her arm around me. She buried her face against my back and I felt like I could finally breathe.

Quinn would forever be that source of comfort that I needed.

No matter what.

"I don't think the diva wonder would like me scooping up her girl. Even if you were mine first. How's your secret relationship going?"

"How did you know about that?"

"Psychic. My Mexican third eye."

"You're not even Mexican."

"Am I wrong?"

"No...we've been taking it slow."

"Is she under the impression she has you all to herself because you've got to break it to her that you belong me."

"Ha...don't tell her that. She thinks that I have always belonged to her in some odd way."

"I'll leave her to that delusion. What's happening with you two by the way, is it going well?"

"Rachel and I are complicated. We fight all the time but the arguments are insanely vapid. It's just so screwed up and backwards but I think I might be falling in love with her."

"Whoa...love?"

"Yea, do you think it's too soon?"

"Nah. I think that it's a good thing, Q. You deserve love."

"What about you? What do you deserve?"

"To not feel that scared ever again. I thought I was going to die. I don't ever want to feel like I did that day."

"How much coke did you do that night?"

"Eight lines at least. I lost count. I just know that I went until I couldn't stand and Marco didn't seem to notice that my lungs were collapsing."

"Are you going to be like on some kind of watch or something?"

"Nope because I'm not a minor anymore it's up to me how I go from here, so after my body recovers I am free to go. There was nothing to charge me with because there was nothing in my possession and all the coke had absorbed in my system by the time I got here."

"Wow."

"Yeah, My dad came by a little while ago and asked that I stay out of trouble and be a good girl. I told him that I would be working on getting better and making him proud. He thinks I'm doing it for him…like always. I just hope that my lungs can recover from this."

"So has this like fucked your lungs for good?"

"They didn't say, they just said that I should stop smoking. I will try but you know me I can't make any promises. I smoke like a fucking chimney once I get going."

"Yea...I know, I used to be the same way."

"Yeah, pink hair and all."

"I kind of miss the pink."

"It looked hot, I have to admit but you know the glee club needed you back."

"Yeah, on their terms. It sucks living on other people's terms. Right?"

"Yup and I don't think I want ever again, I'm just...so tired of all this, Q."

"I know, sweetie, I know."

"At least Marco isn't here...right?"

"Hmmm...right. So where do you stand with Marco."

"I'm his wife for now." I thought of Mr. Evans and him saying that I held the power when it came to Marco. I had rolled my eyes then but right now as I recover from him nearly strangling me to death, I knew that things would never return to how they were. I wouldn't be his punching bag ever again.

"And?"

"That's it for me right now Q, I don't feel anything towards him anymore it's just a title and a certificate. I just want to get B back and get the hell out of this place."

"She's with Finn now, you being gone for a few days gave her the freedom to be gross with him…which, can I tell you is kind worse than him and Rachel. Our glee club is quite incestuous, It's getting really skeevy."

"Yes, it is. You know, I can't believe that she is going out with him still but then again you and I both slept with him so anything is possible."

"Ugh...don't remind me."

We talked for a few hours after that but then the nurses came in announcing the end of visiting hours, so I gave the letter to Quinn that I had written for Brittany.

She smiled at it and promised to give it to her immediately, she dropped a quick peck on my lips and then my forehead.

"Rest...I'll make sure she gets this...you just worry about getting better."

"Ay ay captain."

"Forever and always, babe." She winked and then left with an extra strut in her step as it should be.

Just knowing that my letter would be in Britt's hands as soon as Quinn could find her made my heart soar.

I just wish that I could see her face when she reads it.

Her freckles.

Her eyes.

Her laugh.

I miss her so much and I don't want to waste another second of our lives with other people...I just need her to agree but first I need to get back to myself and the best place to start was sober and independent of my psycho husband. I had to make all the sacrifices to be with the person that made me feel like I was worth something.

Britt.

Peace surrounded me as I drifted back to sleep in the dark room and I realized that it was the first time that I had been alone for the last little while.

I hadn't really had time to just think without interruption for an eternity and I didn't want to ever feel like that again.

Needs versus wants.

I need to get my shit together and I want to start as soon as possible.

At this moment I was stuck between who I am and who I want to be, independent of everyone else.

I mean Britt is a big part of who I want to be but as far as my own mental health, I feel like I have a lot to work through.

Things had gotten really bad with Marco, I can see that now and so could everyone else.

He had crossed a line that I didn't even know was there.

Deep down I had this feeling of being incredibly empty, it was a feeling of being alone in a abyss, not knowing right from left or up from down.

I knew what I felt was changing me in unforeseen ways. I had first hand knowledge of what dying felt like and it scared me.

So, I am going to deal with this my way and I'm going to get back my life.

One way or another.