Chapter 24: Speak (Jhene Aiko)
At the end of my first week in the hospital, I woke up frantic in the middle of the night thinking that Marco was standing over me, but I was all alone. It seemed that as soon as my body started to really heal, the night terrors started. My heart rate was though the roof, alerting the nurses in the hall.
They came rushing in and I was sitting up choking on air and they'd always tried to give me a sedative, but I kept denying them. I didn't want anything that could possibly be addictive.
A full week had passed since my overdose and my body was still shaking, I was still craving and scratching at my skin. For years my father had always driven us to other hospitals because he didn't want anyone in his personal business but me being here was unavoidable.
Plus, he seemed to genuinely be concerned with my level of care, so he was driving the doctors and nurses insane. I could see it in their faces when they came into my room, looking close to tears, well all except one. Dr. Jindahl seemed immune to Papi's fits of passion and I liked him the best. I found out that he had a degree in psychology, so I asked if I could just speak with him instead of the judgmental psychiatrist that came through every day, trying to get me to admit that I had tried to kill myself.
My father was the chief, so no one argued when under threat of my sisters converging on him, Papi began to listen to me when it came to my level of care so, instead of the psychiatrist on Saturday a nurse came to get me and wheeled me to an office down the hall from my father's.
Dr. Jindahl was sitting at a table eating a sandwich with his feet up on a chair.
"Did you need anything else, Dr. J?" The nurse asked.
"When is her vital check?"
"She just had one, here's her chart." It seemed that this woman was nervous around this doctor too as she placed it on the table and then came to stand next to my wheelchair. He nodded and then stared at her impatiently.
"You can go now."
This man reminded me of myself before all this shit went down and it made me feel right at home.
Once the nurse closed the door, Dr. J came over and pushed me close to the table. He tossed my chart onto his desk and then poured a box of puzzle pieces onto the table, before putting the box face down on his desk.
"Get to work."
"How will I know what it's supposed to be?" I asked as he sat down and continued eating.
"That puzzle is 3000 pieces and every piece is there for you to put together just like life...you cannot see the end result."
"Are you going to be my guru now?" I asked.
"Hey, you were the one who wanted me as your personal doctor and psychologist, so we will do things my way or you can go back to your room and talk to that bitch, Lindsey."
"Um...okay, that seems a bit harsh."
"Which, from what I hear, is just your type."
"Touché, doc."
"So, tell me how you got here."
He watched me as I searched through the pile for all the edges and then I began to color coordinate the rest of the pieces, creating piles, as I told him everything all the way back to my birthday and then further back to how Marco and I ended up together.
Not once did he seem to flinch, he just nodded and occasionally wrote things down on his own notepad.
As I put the border together, I finished telling him what I remembered from that night which wasn't much at all and then he picked up my chart but didn't say anything. My head was starting to hurt as I got the entire border figured out. At least thirty minutes had passed since I had started talking and I could feel the tears wanting to come but they didn't. He remained silent for a while and then after staring at my chart for a long time he put it down.
"What is your plan when you are discharged?"
"Go back to school, divorce my husband and I guess move back to my parents' house."
"From what I read in the notes from Lindsey, you have been living on your own for a month now, is that right?"
"Yes, I've been living in my...in Marco's house."
"How's that been, being on your own?"
"When I was alone, it was great...I'd cook and clean...have time for homework and I didn't really have to answer to him or anyone else."
"But now?"
"I can't go back there, I almost died in that house, so I'll just go back home to my parents."
"I was under the impression that your parents were closing up their house for good when they move to Atlanta full-time next week, will you stay there alone?"
"Right...I forgot, now that you say that, I'm not so sure I'd want to be in that big ass house alone and I can't ask my sister to stay, she has her life in New York. I can't keep people from their lives anymore."
"Can I make a suggestion?" He looked at my chart again and then back at me, waiting for my response before giving me advice.
It felt good that he was actually interested in what I had to say.
"Yes."
"This might be a good time to find a place of your own. You're 18 and from the sound of it, you have some trauma from other people controlling your life. Moving home to your parent's house during and after divorce will be hard because you've already experienced having your own space. Even if they are in Atlanta, you won't feel free to do as you want. If it's feasible and from the sound of it, that money you made this summer is just sitting there, you might want to get an apartment until you leave for college."
"You think so?"
"It's just a suggestion, this is a time for you to finally decide things for yourself. Your father seems to be humbled by this experience and I don't think he'll stand in your way."
"I never can guess with him."
He laughed and nodded.
"I want to discuss something else with you Santana, but I want to make sure you are ready to hear it. Be honest with yourself and with me, if I had to give you the hard truth, would you be able to deal with it?"
"No." I said, before I could even think about it. "I need time to readjust...I can't handle anything else right now. Finding out about the chlamydia sent me into a tailspin."
"Thank you for your honesty. I think it would be good for you and me to get together as much as possible to get you to that point before you leave. What do you think, can we work on getting there in the next six days?"
"I'd like that, I really want to know what this puzzle is, and I really want to be ready for the world without Brittany to fall back on and Quinn to put all my stuff on." I could see what my bullshit was doing to my friends and they didn't deserve it. It was one thing to share my life, it was another to ask them to lift my burdens with me. Not once had Quinn shared her Beth stuff beyond the little things because I had left her to carry that load.
I had to be better to my little village and I needed to let them develop into full characters with their own lives. I needed to move on from being selfish and childish.
"You are very hard on yourself."
"I know."
"I challenge you to do something big for yourself, Santana. Do you think that's possible?"
"Definitely, I'm going to call Judy when I get back to my room and ask her to check the listings. She's a realtor and Quinn's mom."
"Oh, I know Judy, she came through here a few times."
"Russell." I said, and he nodded. "Should you be telling me that?"
"Probably not but you guessed, so no HIPPA violations here." He smirked and then picked up a random piece from the purple colored pile and stuck it in the hole I had been staring at in my red section.
"How did you know that?!" I was outraged, glaring at him.
"Not everything can be taken at face value...look at that piece, it has red on the very edges. I imagine that in your life you have treated people like this. Putting them in one pile when they fit just fine in another."
I thought of Rachel and how all of a sudden, she was making my best friend happy.
Then I thought of myself...Marco had tried to make me fit in his life, fit me to his ways not realizing that I was a completely different person with my own purpose.
"Thank you." I said with a yawn.
"That is our cue to get you back to your room, your lunch is probably waiting for you. Next time, I'll have them bring it here."
"Thanks, doc."
Quinn and B had a cheer competition in Toledo and kept sending me clips of the other teams, then from the bus home Q sent me their award-winning performance that included a triple spin that I had put into the routine back at camp. No other team had done one in midair and if I had practiced I probably could have done a quad spin, but I had been out of shape.
I was taking a nap when I felt a weight settle in my bed with me.
"You didn't have to come see me." I whispered as I opened my eyes and rolled towards her. My heart swelled when Quinn smiled at me so big.
"I do, you're like my wife...I have to share all of my big stuff with you. Besides, Sue wanted me to bring you this." She handed me a very small participation trophy that looked like one of the ones that she kept in her office. "You created our winning move and just like that you're on her good side again."
"Oh, well thank you." I took the small trophy and admired it as Quinn's eyes lit up.
"What's on your mind? You look like you have a million things to say."
"Thank you for everything you've done for me, Q. I don't deserve it, but I appreciate you and I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me. That changes now, I will be here whenever you need me."
"Oh God, what is this about?"
"I just need to start moving on from all the bullshit, Q. You are so strong and driven. You inspire me. Teach me to be like you."
"No thanks, if you were more like me, I wouldn't like you. I love you just as you are."
"You do?"
"Yes. Don't you get it, I have been in love with you since we were six, Santana. It just couldn't work between us. We'd kill each other in a week tops. So, I have never gone there and made us a thing, I have encouraged you and B because you need someone like her. I will however be a pain in your ass because like I said, you're like my wife and I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"Wow."
"It felt like a good moment to be transparent, don't get used to it."
"Yeah, it was."
"Was that it, are you dying or something, am I?"
"No, not yet. I do need something though."
"I knew it, lay it on me, what's up?"
"Actually, I need Judy for this."
"What could you possible need from her?"
"I need her to find me an apartment. I'm willing to sign a yearlong lease and pay all of my rent upfront."
"Seriously?" Quinn looked way too excited about this.
"Yes, let's call it celebrating my freedom."
Tears were in her eyes and then she was hugging me, crushing the trophy between us and because she was crying, I was crying, and it was a gross reaction to a happy moment.
"I'm going to make that happen as soon as possible, so that you can move right in from here."
"Good. Thanks, Q."
"No...the pleasure is all mine, if this means you are finally kicking that asshole to the curb."
"As soon as I can."
She pressed her lips to my forehead and held me as close to her as possible.
I took a deep breath and let her love fill me and hopefully I was doing the same for her.
Seeing Quinn on Saturday night had been amazing, but I couldn't help but notice that she didn't mention Britt at all but then just before she was leaving, she put a bag on my bed.
"I almost forgot." I was putting the trophy on the side table and hadn't been paying attention, when I turned to her, she was pulling out duck pajamas from her purse and a crumpled-up note. "I was so excited to give you the trophy and to cuddle up with you that I nearly left without giving you these."
My face hurt from the amount of smiling I was doing, sure it had been three days since I sent the note but the fact that Britt was responding to my note made my night.
"She actually parted with her favorite pajamas?"
"No, these are new, she went out and bought you some that would fit and then she slept with them. She gave them to me when I dropped her off after the competition."
"Wow...she didn't have to do that."
"But she wanted to. If you want to start moving forward, you have to start accepting the good things. You deserve these from the girl that you love, got it?"
Q looked so serious as she pulled back the covers and began to untie my hospital gown.
"I can dress myself." I whined.
"Aren't you still using a wheelchair because you get winded?"
"Yeah."
"And don't you get tired just readjusting the covers?"
"Yeah...so?"
"Then shut up and let me help you." I held my arms out in front of me and closed my eyes. As she took the gown off, I felt tears leave my eyes, the amount of love from her was overwhelming and then the smell of B on the top made me whimper, I was a wreck. She was so gentle as she pulled the top over my head and once I had it on, she took a deep breath and wiped my tears. "All better." She said, like I was a child and then a cracked a smile as I finally opened my eyes.
"God, I hate you." I growled, and she stuck her tongue out.
"Do you want the pants? The top is long enough to cover your goodies, so you don't really need them, I know you could never sleep in pants."
"My legs get hot."
"I know...so no?"
I held my hands out for them and she handed them over. I tucked them in my pillow and she rolled her eyes.
"If I ever get this sentimental with Rachel, shoot me."
"You got it." I said, crossing my heart.
She looked mock outraged and then checked her watch, "I need to get going, movie night with the Berry's tonight."
"Oh nice! Have fun, I'm going back to sleep."
"I love you, San, see you tomorrow afternoon. If Judy is as good a realtor as she claims to be, I will bring some listings with me for you to check and might drag her butt here."
"Don't force her, Q, she hates hospitals."
"I know, that's why I want to bring her."
"Be nice to your mom."
"Yeah yeah, you first."
Once Q was gone, I opened up Britt's note, praying for some shred of hope.
S-
You are the best thing that has ever been mine. My pajamas are covered in cat hair, no good for healing lungs. Hope these are just as good. I washed my sheets before sleeping with them and wouldn't let Tubbs on the bed while they were there. Get better soon. I'll see you when you get home.
-B
While I spent Sunday in therapy with Dr. J and with the drug counselor, Quinn had Judy on the hunt with the listings that I had signed off on.
I didn't want to pay an insane amount of money and Judy told me that if I could afford to pay all of it upfront, she could get someone to agree to a nine-month lease instead of twelve.
She was all business when she came and sat on my bed, leaving Quinn to sit in the corner smiling like a nut as she texted.
It was so good to see her happy and I was striving to someday feel like that. I loved B so much and I wanted my endgame with her, but I wasn't building my world around her anymore. I felt like I needed to put myself first and just two sessions with Dr. J had gotten me feeling like that. He kept staring at my chart for long periods of time when we spoke and then would ask me how I felt mentally, I still wasn't ready for whatever it was, but I knew that I needed to give in soon because I was building whatever hard truth he had into the biggest thing in my mind.
Obviously, my brain wasn't broken because here I was over analyzing things, so I decided that once I got the apartment settled, I would be ready.
I didn't think Judy would move fast but before Sunday was even over, she called me excitedly to say that she found the perfect two bedroom and Quinn had approved knowing that Q's seal of approval was as good as gold for me. So, I had Quinn go to Marco's and get my check book on her way to the hospital with the lease agreement. Judy was sending her as the go between just, so she didn't have to come back to the hospital.
When Q returned she smiled really big as she dropped the papers in my lap with my checkbook.
"How much?" I asked as I got a pen and opened it up.
"Ninety-nine hundred but Judy suggested that adding an extra hundred for a security deposit but it's up to you."
"I trust her."
"That's a lot of money."
I sat there looking at the $10,000 that I had scribbled out and said to her as calmly as I could. "I made this much on average a night. It feels good to do something good with it."
"I still can't believe that you pulled all that off, you must be good if they kept coming back." She looked flushed and then shrugged. "Fuck it, girl...get it. If I didn't have these stretch marks, I'd probably strip on the low."
"You would not!"
"Oh, San, you'd be surprised the things that I wish I had the balls to do."
"Well, Q, I'll tell you what, if there's ever a clean stripper pole in my vicinity, I will make sure you get a turn."
"Yeah and you'll teach me your moves?"
"I can't believe you're serious."
"Sure, why not."
"You have actually shocked me, Quinn Fabray."
"Thanks. I aim to please."
"No, prudent one...that would be me. Now, get to business where do I sign?"
She walked me through the paperwork, sounding and looking like her mother but I valued my life, so I didn't tell her that. After all was said and done, because I was paying upfront, Q said I could move in as soon as I was able which for me, meant immediately.
More therapy, more puzzle time on Tuesday and Wednesday while Quinn got Puck to help with moving my bedroom furniture from my parent's house. The only thing that I took from Marco's was the gourmet coffee maker that Papi had bought us and my clothes. The rest could burn to the motherfucking ground as far as I was concerned.
Quinn moved my car to the new apartment too, so that I never had to go back to Marco's house again.
If I was going to break this vicious cycle of Marco and me then I was going to need a clean break.
While they were moving all of the stuff into my apartment, I ordered them pizza from my hospital bed trying my best to recognize that they didn't need to do shit for me, but they were still doing it.
Knowing that a new chapter in my life was starting and that without leaving the hospital, I was ready to get started with my life again, I rolled into therapy and there sat Dr. J with his eyes closed and his hands resting on his knees.
The nurse parked me at the table and while he meditated, I continued to work on my puzzle. I was halfway through it and was pretty sure that I knew what it was, but I was still unsure.
I looked over at him when I completed the purple windmill and he was looking at my chart again.
"Just tell me what it is." I said, and he looked at me for a long moment.
"Are you sure?"
"I am." I said, and he nodded.
"Well Santana, knowing all that I know about you so far...I'll just say it. As of this morning you are seven weeks pregnant."
I nodded and then went back to my puzzle, feeling on some level like I knew this already and when I looked back on how they were treating me, giving me extra food, agreeing with me about no pain medicine, the way that everyone seemed to want to make sure I wasn't going to break down.
"Who knows?" I asked, and he gave me a small smile.
"You mean, does Dr. Lopez know?"
"Does he?"
"I know for a fact that he checks your files every day he's in the office, so he definitely knows."
"And no one told me because they all think I tried to kill myself and they think this is why?"
"I'm sure there are some that suspect that."
"Do you think this is why he's been so nice to me?"
"I cannot speculate."
"Is this why you encouraged me to get my own place?"
He nodded and finally, I smiled at him. "Thanks, doc. This changes a lot."
"Like?"
"Well, there's no rejoining Cheerios like I wanted, and track is a no go."
"You should still train, if you intend to see this pregnancy through, exercise will be good for you."
"Do you think I've already damaged the kid with all the drugs?"
"The crucial time is the next few weeks, stay clean from here on out and you should have a healthy pregnancy."
"I think I'm going to keep this information to myself for a little while, no one else is going to tell me...Papi probably thinks I'm going to get rid of it and doesn't want to get attached."
"Now that you know that, I'll leave you to address next steps what I want to talk about is the big step you took today."
I smiled at him and then pulled my new phone from my wheelchair, so I could show him the pictures that Q had sent.
"This is because of you, Dr. J. I mean I did it but that's because I realized that all the options are on the table."
Now that I knew, I could feel the way my body was changing, I should have figured it out on my own but the last time I had still been developing and I was experiencing daily trauma to my body. Now though, I just felt softer and was used to the aches of pain that my life brought. My breasts had been sore, and I just thought it was because of the injury to my neck but that made no sense.
I wanted to tell someone so badly, but I wanted something for myself for a while longer. There would be so much judgment from everyone and right now, I couldn't deal with that. People at school thought I was in the hospital with mono or pneumonia, no one knew that I nearly died but when I showed up looking like Preggers the sequel it was going to be a thing.
Especially since Quinn is my best friend and then there is Britt.
How would she take this?
I was married, that was at least something that would keep judgments to a minimum but that didn't mean that there wouldn't be harsh criticism. There was one thing that I was absolute about, this could not get back to Marco...not while we were still married. I wasn't sure that this baby was his and I didn't want him to fight the papers when he got them.
He'd try to leverage this baby, I'd seen how custody cases went and I didn't want to be in one.
Late on Friday night, Papi had pulled all the strings and after visiting hours ended and people had come and gone, my door opened. Q came in with a small box of pizza just for me and a black tracksuit.
"A track suit?" I asked as she put it down on the belongings shelf.
"Yeah, here eat and I'll update you on this roller coaster of a day." Quinn quickly wiped a tear away and then sat on the end of my bed and watched as I opened the pizza box. My stomach growled, and she let out a chuckle. "Are they not feeding you in here? I thought you were hospital royalty."
"My dad is no longer their chief in another week, so they have been slacking a bit, but I leave tomorrow, I'm not trying to make any enemies. I still have to live in this town."
"Well enjoy that pizza, it was made fresh just for you."
"By who?"
"Puck. He got a job at that pizza shop down on front street."
"No way?"
"His new girlfriend insisted that he needed something to do with himself other than being a pool boy, especially since it's the middle of September."
Quinn seemed to be waiting for me to talk but I just slowly chewed and looked back at her. She seemed so unsure of herself when I wasn't monopolizing the conversation, but I didn't want to talk. If I talked, I'd tell her my news and while she had been in my position, I was still processing.
"This is good." I said and then I continued chewing.
"Well, today, Sue cut a quarter of our team." I nodded, not really that surprised. "And you aren't shocked...why not?"
"I saw the performance, we would have scored higher if there were less girls doing more moves than more girls doing the same thing or just flipping on the sides."
"That's what Sue said! She also wants to get some guys on the team."
"Expected."
"Maybe she was right then," She gestured over to the track suit. "Sue sent that, after that routine that you helped create she was wondering if you would be her second."
"But you're her second." Quinn rolled her eyes and then more tears came. Now my jaw was dropping. "Q, what's wrong?"
"I guess you becoming her team manager, means you are my captain too...you should be happy."
"Well, if it makes you upset then no...I'm not happy about that."
"Can't you just get your shit together and take my place? I want to move on from being the captain. I think I outgrew this team and cheering."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I'm not going to be cheering or running track when I come back. I'm going to focus on school. I don't even know if I'm doing glee anymore."
"But Marco isn't around anymore to tell you not to."
It was so hard to have this conversation when she didn't have all the facts, but she would understand soon enough.
"So, what else is going on?"
"Wait, you're just changing the conversation? You're not even going to say anything about being the team manager?"
"I can't do that until I talk to Sue face to face, after we talk she might change her mind and I'm okay with that. I might be in the same mental space as you. I was only a cheerio for status and then I stayed so that I could be close to B but now things are different."
"You're being vague, just spit it out." She said as she looked me over, "You're pregnant aren't you...is that it?" I choked on my pizza and took a whole long moment to catch my breath. When I looked back up at her she was analyzing me and then she nodded to herself. "Is that it?"
"Yeah, I wasn't ready to talk about it, I just found out today." I said, no longer able to look her in the eyes.
She leaned forward and tipped my chin up until we were eye to eye.
"Listen here, S...being a mom is the best thing you'll ever do. I regret nothing about having Beth, I created this perfect thing and she's out there happy. The only thing that would have made my life more whole is if I could have kept her, but I regret nothing. I won't tell a soul until you are ready, and I still think you should become the manager. I agree that talking to Sue is a good idea because if she found out from anyone but you she'd rage. Let her feel like she's being gracious to you."
"Oh shit...I just realized what this means..." I had been trying so hard to not take over the conversation, but my mind was whirling now. "There's no way I get to keep that cheer scholarship."
"Damn...but wait, when are you due?"
"I don't know, I didn't ask."
"You just need to train but you should have time before college."
"But I don't even know if I want to do that anymore, I guess school is my number one priority, I'm going to need a scholarship."
"Don't you have a trust fund though?"
"Who knows what's in there, Q...I want to get through this without being indebted to my parents and after they find out I'm keeping this baby, they might not give me the money."
"Hold on...do they know?"
"My dad does but he hasn't brought it up, it's in my chart and he reads it every time he comes in here but says nothing."
"You Lopezes are almost as bad as the Fabrays about keeping shit to yourselves."
"Two peas in a pod."
"I broke up with Rachel today." She said out of nowhere and I could feel my face twist up. "It has nothing to do with her, I just can't be all in this relationship right now. My father is campaigning, my mother is drinking more, and I have these interviews with Yale, Penn, and Columbia. She's in the same boat focusing on NYADA, even though I have been pushing her to apply to NYU, but she insists this is the only school that she wants to go to."
"She's crazy to only apply to one school."
"That's what I said, anyway we keep arguing more than anything and I need less of that and more of our friendship."
"You did the right thing. It sucks to not be with the person that you want to be with but when you're trying to grow yourself at our age, it's easier to alleviate the pressure of maintaining a relationship. What you didn't add is, that you are MY best friend and that's a job all by itself."
"Isn't that the truth." She moved my empty pizza box and then kicked off her shoes before climbing into the bed. "But I wouldn't change a thing about this. I need you always, San."
"Same here."
"Did you finish the puzzle?"
"I did, he is going to frame it for me."
"So, what was the picture?"
"Tulip fields in Holland...it's so pretty. Can we do that, when I'm in my place...maybe have game nights?"
"I'd like that. I look forward to coming to stay at your place instead of putting up with Judy's nonsense."
"Anytime, Q. You'll obviously have a key."
"Sweet." She said before dropping a kiss on my lips and for the first time, I put my hand on her face and kept the kiss going.
It was one of those things I had always wanted to do, and we were both free for once, she kissed so softly and then she pulled away.
"I'm not sorry." I said and then grinned. "Just wanted to see what that was like."
"And?"
"Not bad, Q. What about me?"
"I can see why people were willing to pay for it...I'd pay to do that again. No strings."
"Really? Come here."
And we kept kissing, no touching...no emotions just two girls seeking comfort without commitment.
Her phone buzzed, and she pulled away.
I looked at her and smirked.
"What?"
"If you think I'm good...B is better."
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me."
We fell asleep in each other's arms and I felt happy that leaving the hospital was an insanely better experience than coming here and, in the morning, Q would drive me to my place, my new life.
On Saturday morning, the sun was shining, and the leaves were turning all sorts of beautiful colors, being sober without a tremor in my body felt so good as I stepped outside in the tracksuit that Sue had sent. Q brought the car to the entrance and I climbed in feeling like a completely different person.
"It feels weird being outside."
"Yeah, when you went in there it still felt like summer but now it's fucking cold."
"I still will never understand how you hate the cold and want to move even further north!"
"Obviously I'm a glutton for punishment, Santana." She said seriously and then she started laughing. "Who knows, you just might convince me to be in New York with you."
"That would be the dream.".
Judy wasn't kidding when she told me that the apartment complex was close to school, it was right across from McKinley, it was literally behind the school's football field.
I could literally roll out of bed and make it to school in under five minutes and I had an almost perfect view of the football field. When I saw the view, I knew that Quinn had something to do with which apartment that I was given because now I could literally see the Cheerios and the track team when practice was going on.
She had been trying to encourage me and now it wouldn't really matter. Saturday morning Cheerios practice was in full swing with Sue belting out orders through her bullhorn.
"You didn't have to get me Q, I'm sure Sandra would have loved to since I banned her from coming to the hospital, she's been stir crazy."
"That practice is not for me, it's for the new Cheerios."
"But you're captain."
"Co-captain, we never got to that part of my story."
"Wait, what?"
"Becky is my co-captain now. So, I told Sue straight up, if that is the case, then Becky can have JV and the newbies, and I will deal with the juniors and seniors."
"Which means no Saturday practice for you, smart."
"Thanks, besides she hopes I'm picking up the new Cheerio manager."
"Right...there's that too."
My sister waited in the parking lot for us, wrapped in a bubble coat looking anxious and then she held my hand as she led me into the apartment.
I almost broke down in tears when I saw that this was all mine and no one else's.
My sister had bought me some furniture for the dining room and the living room and had cooked us lunch, it felt more like home than any place I'd ever been, and I was in tears.
Aside from my tree house, I have never had anything that was truly mine.
It felt amazing.
After lunch, Sandra decided that she was going to take a nap in what she called her room, leaving me and Q to our own devices. I was happy that she trusted that I would be okay without her hovering over my shoulder, the fact that Q was there probably helped.
"I'm tired of being indoors, want to go with me to see Sue?"
"You're already dressed for the occasion, we might as well go over."
"Should I tell her today?"
"The sooner the better just tell her straight up and she'll probably be amazing to you because she's always liked you better."
"Not true."
"We'll see about that."
Quinn looped her arm through mine as we crossed the street and walked into the stadium. The girls were running laps, so we waited for an opening before crossing onto the football field. Sue saw us and then looked at my outfit and nodded with approval.
"Okay, sloppy babies, hit the showers!" She yelled and the Cheerios all seemed to get an extra burst of energy as they raced each other inside. The three of us strolled onto the track and I took a deep breath.
"So, Lopez. Back from the dead, I see. Still sober?"
"Yes coach. Hopefully for good."
"Good to hear."
"I see you have thought about my offer to let you be our team manager an honor so prestigious that we haven't had one in six years."
"I know that you picked me because I love this team as much as you do, and I will do anything to win, that hasn't changed. The Cheerios are a part of who I am and while I will probably never wear the uniform again, there's nothing I won't do to make sure we win."
"That's what I like to hear."
"There is one thing you should know."
"What?" She looked at me with patience, but I could tell she was not ready for me to throw a curveball.
"I'm pregnant. I just found out...no one knows except the three of us."
"So, I'm getting the exclusive...is it going to get in the way of winning me a competition?"
"No, coach."
"Good...then put in all the work you can until you physically can't any longer. Thank you for being upfront with me, Lopez. I've always liked that about you."
Quinn stuck her tongue out at me and mouthed, "Told you so."
A weight was lifted from my shoulders knowing that, I could still play a part in being a Cheerio and that Sue wasn't going to make me feel like a pariah.
When we got back to the apartment, there stood Brittany a nervous smile on her face and bag over her shoulder.
"Hey." I said.
"Hey back." She said.
I felt emotional, but I wasn't going to show it, she wasn't mine to covet. I just put on my best smile and wrapped her in a hug, even that felt different to me. When I pulled away from her, I could see that her eyes were bloodshot.
She'd been crying but I wasn't going to ask instead, I stood there looking into her eyes.
"Do you want me to go?" Q asked but I shook my head. "No need, Q. It's good to see you, B."
I saw a bench near the building and decided to sit down but and Q followed suit, but B kept standing as she looked around and at me. She wasn't herself anymore and neither was I, we had to teach each other all over again.
What I hated though, was how awkward it felt.
"So, how do you like your new place?"
"Oh, B…it's perfect."
My heart was thudding really hard, but I tried to play it off. Hearing her voice , directed at me again after so long made my soul ache, even if she seemed at a loss for words.
She had essentially paused our friendship and relationship for two long weeks and now here she was here unannounced, and I wondered if this was where we would start to work on our relationship again.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too." She smiled.
"How are things with Finn?" Quinn asked, ballsy enough to ask her what I wouldn't. She grimaced, and I shrugged, might as well rip off that band aid.
"I dumped him last night. He has an unhealthy obsession with Rachel. When I told him about you two breaking up, he asked me if he should call Rachel to see if she needed anything. I was annoyed so I broke it off and he didn't even really care. I couldn't take it anymore."
"You deserve better, B. He is obsessed with Berry, always has been, always will be."
"He better get the hell over it!" Quinn said with a grumble. "I mean we are so over, but he can't just swoop in."
I chuckled to myself and smiled at Quinn.
"Be easy on him, how would you feel if your two exes were doing the dirty?" she scowled at me.
"I had a taste of that this summer." I wrinkled my face in disgust, this glee club really was too incestuous.
I realized in that moment that somehow, we were all interconnected sexually.
It made me gag.
We ended up all laughing and counting up who we had slept with in glee club, I came away the winner with six people, Britt followed me with five, and Q ended up with four.
We were so grossed out that we ended up just standing there laughing about it.
After a while, they noticed me dazing off and simultaneously wrapped their arms around me in a big hug. We were sitting on a bench outside the building staring at the field and then B asked.
"What did you need to talk to Sue about?"
"Say hello to your new Cheerios manager."
She squealed and then looked at Q, "Are you okay with that?"
"Well I got demoted in front of the whole team already, B...this is only icing besides, it means I have my girl back on the team, so I'm okay with it."
"I bet you are." B said back, and I couldn't help but notice that they had tension between them, but I did not get out of the hospital to facilitate whatever spat this was. So, I decided to smooth whatever it was over, I smiled up at them and then I said.
"And as your new manager, I say we go wake up my sister and then head out to Breadstix to celebrate!"
"Yes please!" Britt said bouncing up and down.
"Great! They have this new bacon crusted chicken Parmesan. Ugh! I have been so excited to try it!"
"Gross." I said shaking my head in disgust.
She stuck her tongue out and I let out a huge laugh.
And it felt amazing.
We headed upstairs and found my sister curled up on the couch with a small tub of ice cream watching some chick flick and laughing hysterically with tears in her eyes.
Quinn turned to me and then looked back at Sandra.
"You know S, I think your sister had the better idea. How about we get take out and break in your new apartment?"
"Sounds like a plan." I said suddenly feeling exhausted.
I had to get my stamina back up. We lay out on the living room floor for the rest of the night watching horrible chick flicks and eating takeout until we thought we would burst.
It was a great way to come home. Sitting there with these ladies, I realized that there was no other place that I would rather be.
I was finally comfortable with myself.
Marco had screwed up royally and I was reaping the benefits.
Unfortunately, however, I am a realist.
I knew that peace doesn't last like it should and underneath all the new-found happiness I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And I kept finding my hand hovering over my stomach, I'd catch Q's eye from time to time and she would give me a small smile, but I had to look away or I would ruin this moment.
For just a little while longer, I needed to enjoy my freedom and continue to keep something just for me a little while longer.