Chapter 25: Grudges (Paramore)
The peace that filled me on that first night in my bedroom, in my first apartment had me wondering why it took so long for me to do this?
After I got back for the summer, I should have just gotten my own place and ignored the fuck out of Marco and my parents. I could have been loving up on Brittany from the moment we left camp but instead I tried to play a game that was rigged against me from the beginning. So much would be different if I had stood up for myself but then...well then, I wouldn't have this little nugget and the more that I thought about the life growing inside of me, the more I was feeling like this was so perfect.
This would not stop me from moving to New York, this would not stop me from becoming a lawyer, and hopefully it would not stop me from being with Britt, but it would absolutely stop me from making dumb decisions.
I rubbed my flat stomach and turned onto my back and that's when I saw them.
Stars.
They spelled out, I LOVE YOU.
And I just knew that it had to be Brittany. She had looked at me weird earlier and then asked if she could go see my room. I had left her in there while we watched the movie and now I see what she had done.
I took a picture and then texted it to her.
She immediately called me.
"You like it?"
"I love it, thank you."
"I'm so happy that you love it. I know that we kind of stopped talking for a little there, but I think I needed that time. I was really hurt...I still kinda am."
"I get it, B. I'm not holding any grudges."
"You're not?"
"Of course not. I told you that no matter what happens this year, I would love you and sometimes a part of love is knowing when to step back. I couldn't really help stepping back but you did something brave. You put your foot down and decided to put your own happiness first and that's not a bad thing."
"Thanks, Ana...do you think that I could come over more often?"
"You can come over anytime, B. I make the rules in this place and the only permission you need is from Susan."
"Right, mom will want me to check in with her."
"I don't want to get on her bad side."
"Wait...does that mean we can have sexy times now?"
"Are you sure you don't need some time after Finn?"
"I want to be with you, I always want to be with you."
"Me too...I need you to know that I might need a little bit of time. I went through something really scary and I'm still anxious."
"So, no sleepovers?"
"We can have those, of course but I don't think I'm ready for us to jump right in. Not just yet, is that okay?"
"Yeah. You let me have my space and now I need to respect yours."
"Thanks, B."
"I love you, Ana Banana."
"I love you too."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I have two weeks of homework to catch up on, so I'll be spending the day in... getting ready to go back to school on Monday."
"Do you think I can come over? I'll bring my SAT prep book, I need to start studying if I'm going to pass."
"Are you just getting started? The test is next month!" I was concerned now.
"Well, Finn was helping me."
"Oh, well at least you did study some."
"Not really, we really just had sex and watched porn. He wouldn't let me top him though, you know like I top you."
"B, I love you, but I really don't want to think about that man-baby touching you. Okay?"
"Oh, right. Sorry. So what time can I come tomorrow?"
Even though she was attempting to change the subject, it was already burned into my memory, yuck.
My body had way too much energy from being in the hospital for two weeks, so I rolled out of bed at dawn and got dressed. Sandra, who was headed to Cincinnati for a few days to go watch Johnny play was in the kitchen drinking tea and listening to her gospel music.
"Did I wake you?" She asked when I slid into a chair across from her with. "Wait...you're dressed, where are you going?"
"For a run on the track, are you heading out soon?"
"Yeah, I want to get as much time with my boo as possible, you know how it is."
"I do. Britt's coming over today to study."
She wiggled her eyebrows. "Just to study?"
"Yes. I put a pause on sex for a bit, Sandra, I'm not ready to go there with anyone...even her."
"Sooo...when are you going to tell me your news?"
I brought her cup to my nose and sniffed for liquor and she laughed. Obviously, it was only tea since she had my nephew brewing in there, but I had to be sure.
"What are you talking about?"
"I saw you yesterday, you kept holding a hand to your stomach and then Q would shoot you these knowing looks and then there is Papi, he is all of sudden committed to being better to you. Are you going to keep it?"
"I am but please don't tell anyone. It's still early and the less people know, the harder it will be for Marco to find out before I file for divorce."
She clapped her hands together comically and then grinned.
"My lips are sealed. This is just so amazing...wait you're still moving to New York, right?"
"I am."
"I mean, I know it's your senior year and there are parties and prom, but this is going to be such a blessing for you. I will babysit and stay up with you at night. We could raise them as cousin siblings."
"Wow, I um didn't expect you to be this excited."
"Well I am!"
"Thanks for your support, sis."
"Well duh. Now, since you're up, I want to run something by you."
"Okay, shoot."
"You know I'm headed home next Sunday, well I was thinking that maybe we can get Celia to drive down and we can have a sendoff dinner for your mom and Papi."
"For Saturday night?"
"Yes."
"I'm down."
"Good...I'll set it up, you just make sure you take care of yourself and my little niece or nephew."
"I'll do my best."
"And go to meetings...right?"
"Do I really need to?"
"Or church, you need something for your soul, remember?"
"You're right. I'll see if Q wants to run and then I can hit up mass or we can pray or something."
"Good idea. Okay, well, I have to get ready to head out. I love you, sis."
"I love you."
Feeling the clay beneath my feet again as I jogged the track, felt like coming home. After helping Sandra to the car, I kissed her face and hugged her super tight before heading over to the track. This was probably going to be one of my favorite parts of living across the street. I did a quick stretch and then I started off with a slow jog until the cramps in my legs seemed to settle. My body craved movement always but especially after being confined to a bed and wheelchair for way too long.
It was Celia that had started me out with running and it had stuck with me. When I was 14, I had hit a deep depression after my miscarriage and with Marco running my life from hundreds of miles away in New York, I had hit bottom. I felt reckless and no one had taken any notice. When my parents were away, I would leave the house and go joy riding in their cars, I was smoking and drinking and having a lot of sex. My parents felt like I was doing it for attention, so they wouldn't give me any, which only made things more exaggerated. Papi stopped speaking to me unless he needed something and Mami had thrown herself completely into church duties. They couldn't fix me, so they just didn't talk about it and when my wild behavior didn't get their attention, I took a new approach.
I had taken to starving myself and sleeping all day instead of going to school.
Sandra and I have the strongest personalities and tempers and right behind us is my sister Celia.
So, at that age, when I thought I had the world figured out, the only people capable of bringing me back from the brink of insanity...were my sisters, even if they didn't really know it. At the time that my aching depression hit its peak, it was summertime, Sandra was in Afghanistan and Quinn was off at church camp. Celia was training to run the Chicago marathon at the time and for some reason she decided to come stay with us for half of the summer.
At first, she left me alone but the moment that she realized that I was in bed all day she got me out running with her.
For her it had just been something to keep me busy, but it probably saved my life. I am insanely grateful to my sister for introducing me to something that is so cleansing and gratifying, it's something healthy to be obsessed with.
Running is something that you can only get better at and the results of it are almost immediate if you stick with it.
Marco is always telling me how alike he and I are. We both have lettered in track, we were both state champions in debate and we aspired to go work in Congress someday.
If I was straight and Marco wasn't so screwed up, we would probably make an insane power couple, but we are just so toxic together.
I had run about three miles when I started to feel winded and achy.
Which is highly unusual for me. I was dangerously out of shape and there was one person that I could trust to get me into shape while also recognizing my "delicate" condition, so I pulled out my phone and unlocked my screen.
Hoping to find some encouragement.
Hey, what are you doing?-San
I was just laying here trying to figure that out...skipping church.-Q
Wow. Well, I'm at the school track right now and things aren't going so well. Wanna join?-San
Should I be worried?-Q
Not sure.-San
I'm on my way.-Q
OK.-San
I zipped my phone back into my pocket plugged my headphones in my ears. At that point I was just trying to get my body to cooperate with me. So, I took an extra moment to stretch and then began to run again. I tried to push myself and get my breathing under control, but it hurt so bad.
I kept going, trying my best to run through the pain and exhaustion. I was just trying to make it to my second wind, but it wouldn't come. My energy was at zero and then it hit me, I hadn't eaten breakfast...not really.
Feeling winded, I slowed down to barely a jog and Quinn easily caught up to my slow stride and was even a step-in front of me.
"I think you should stop San, you look like you are about to pass out."
"I can't!" I pushed out as I tried to outrun her.
Stupid move.
She saw the challenge and so she ran beside me for a moment and then within seconds she was taking off past me.
Quinn was like a fucking gazelle. Her sprints were effortless. I tried pushing myself to where she was, but my body was betraying me. I tried to call out to her, but I didn't have enough breath.
When I felt the world start to spin, I stopped running and stood hunched over balancing myself with my hands on my knees.
Before I knew it, Quinn was coming up behind me.
"Are you ready to stop now?" Quinn asked with no sarcasm in her voice just a whole lot of concern.
"I have no choice."
"You don't look so good San, maybe it's just too soon for you to be out here running like the last few months never happened."
"I'm trying to erase them Q."
"I know your head is still trying to get wrapped around it, but you are not the same Santana that could run ten miles on command. You now you have another life to think about. You can't ignore your problems or the things that have happened, you had a collapsed lung two weeks ago, San. You almost died."
When I opened my mouth to argue, I began coughing hard, my chest was closing up on me and I had to concede that Quinn was right, and my over exertion was idiotic.
"Okay, can we just sit?" I asked, and she nodded, helping me down to the ground. I put my head between my knees and took long, deep breaths.
"Catch your breath but then I'm taking you home. You've done enough for today."
"Fine."
Quinn offered to stay with me and keep watch, but I insisted that I just wanted to go back to bed. She did not trust me to wake up on my own, so after I changed into a sports bra and panties, I climbed right into bed and patted the mattress beside me.
"I'm not going to die but you can keep watch."
"Okay but I'm staying above the covers...I don't want to be tempted."
I rolled my eyes and then closed them.
"By the way, Britt is coming over at some point to study. If she gets here and I'm sleeping just wake me up."
"Okay."
I yawned and then fell into a deep sleep and then I was waking up to harsh whispers coming from the other side of my bedroom door. Somehow, I had forgotten the tension between my two best friends the day before.
"I don't care, B. She needs to rest. She needs zero stress and you will stress her out."
"No, I won't."
"It's what you do...she just doesn't admit it."
"She invited me here!"
"I know, just let her sleep a little longer and maybe don't bring up every single moment you were apart from each other."
"You'll never have her, Q. She's meant for me. She's MY endgame not yours."
"That's just it, Brittany, I already had her. She was mine FIRST and you can't change that, you only got her because I stepped back. At any point before you got to this town, I could have had her, but we are just friends you can't change that."
"That's not the thing I wish I could change...I wish-"
"Shhh...she's not snoring anymore-"
"But-"
"Shut up!"
I pulled the door open and looked between them. Britt looked at how I was dressed and then stared daggers at Q.
"You just wanted her to yourself."
"Okay, you two need to stop." I said and then I walked between them and grabbed my water jug off the counter. "I don't know what happened and I am not interested unless it's going to somehow make our lives better...is it?" I asked, and they looked at each other and then me, shaking their heads. "Then can you let it go. Let's hang out, get some studying done and not stress. Please?"
"I'm actually leaving." Q said, "I'm going to let you two have your time. I've seen you every single day. SHE hasn't."
"Quinn...what is going on?" I asked as I stepped closer to her and then there was a growl from Brittany and Quinn turned to ice.
"I'll be by in the morning after cheer practice to walk you to school, okay?" She said.
"So, will I!" Britt chimed in.
They were glaring again.
"I'll see you both here and we can walk in together, as the trinity without grudges. You two figure your shit out on your own time and don't bring it here. I need this apartment to be peaceful, so don't bring that shit here again or you can both stop coming over. Got it?"
They both seemed to balk at that and then seemed to get over themselves.
"I'm still heading home, seriously, enjoy each other. I might go to church after all."
Once, Q was gone, Britt's whole mood shifted, and I think she was expecting me to ask about their fight, but I didn't want to know. You know how you get a gut feeling that if you look for drama, you'll find it, this seemed like that and I wanted no parts.
I had bigger things to concern myself with.
Britt had brought me breakfast and made sure that I ate without hovering. having her in that space, felt so domestic. Like a glimpse of how we could be.
Maybe.
"Is that Santana?"
"She looks hot."
"Is she glowing?"
"What's with the mini Sue look?"
I walked as the center of our trinity for the first time as we walked into school on Monday morning and the gossip was immediate.
When I saw a few guys coming down the hall with a few slushy cups, I froze but then Quinn nudged me out of the way. They passed us and then a blonde guy hesitated when he saw me. Our eyes met, and something flashed in my memory, but I couldn't pin it.
"Do I know him?" I whispered to Quinn and she whispered back.
"If rumor has it right, you know him intimately. That's Ian Perkins."
"Perkins...as in that night?"
"Yes."
"Shit, no wonder, he looks like you Britt Britt."
She got spacey.
"Nah, my hair is long and his is buzzed off."
I hated when she did that, acted aloof when she was uncomfortable about a situation. When we got to our lockers, Q kissed both our cheeks and headed further down the hall to her locker.
Me and B were alone, and her face changed as our eyes met.
"You could have screwed me that night. I was basically throwing myself at you."
"I was stupid and rebelling, please don't hold a grudge. It was just unmemorable sex that I have been punished for enough, B. Please let it go."
"You're right, baby. Sometimes people have sex with other people just to forget that the person they love is breaking their heart. You know?"
Something about the look in her eyes made me go cold.
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
"Santana!" I turned around and then Noah was picking me up and twirling me around. "How do you like your place?" He asked as he returned me to the floor.
"It's great. Thank you for moving my stuff in."
"Anytime, TT."
I punched his shoulder and grinned at him before he walked off.
"Do you have to do that?" B asked, seeming suddenly pissed off.
"What did I do now?"
"Flirt right in front of me."
"Okay, what is your deal, B? It's my first day back and everyone seems happy but you. Did I do something wrong?"
"No, I just...we haven't had a real moment alone and I feel like you're doing it on purpose. Like you're punishing me for not coming to see you in the hospital."
"That's your guilt, B, nothing I'm doing is intentional and we had alone time yesterday a whole afternoon uninterrupted!"
"But we just studied and nothing else."
"I know, so what?"
"We were all alone in your place and you didn't even kiss me."
"I told you, B, I need time."
"Well then so do I." She slammed her locker shut and walked away.
I stood there staring straight into my locker, trying to breathe, it seemed that the biggest way this baby was making itself known was through my tears.
The bell for first period rang and there I stood, not able to get myself together.
"Miss, do you have a hall pass?" Someone called out to me, but I just stayed there not moving until they were right next to me, "Hey, I was kidding you okay?"
I turned towards the voice and there he was again.
"Um...yeah." I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. "You're Perkins, right, nice to meet you."
"Meet me? Do you um...not remember anything about that night?"
This is where I was supposed to blush but I was an escort for two months...sex was not something I blushed about, ever.
"I don't, this feels like we are meeting for the first time."
"Well, I just wanted to apologize for knowing you were that far gone and still going along with it."
"That's nice of you but really, it's okay."
"Cool cool cool." He said, sounding super nervous. The warning bell rang, and I smiled softly at him, resting my hand on his arm.
He went stiff and I dropped my hand.
"Seriously, thanks for being the kind of guy that thinks about his actions and hopefully learns from them."
"Absolutely. Welcome back, Santana. Have a good day?"
"You too."
I threw myself completely into my classes, thankful that Sue had told me to get a grip on catching up before coming to a practice. I told her to just give me a week and she seemed content that I wasn't going to milk my return.
Normally, I liked to sit in the middle of my classes, filing my nails or popping my gum but two weeks of no classes added to drugs and loss of oxygen to the brain, made me feel behind. I hated that feeling, so after every class I asked for more homework, extra credit work and each teacher gave me more than they needed to.
If Britt thought I paid her no mind before, she was going to have to basically strip naked and give me a lap dance to distract me from not only catching up in my classes but soaring past everyone else.
Being the smartest kid in class had always been my goal and I had saddled myself to a person that was content just to get a passing grade. B isn't stupid, her brain just works different and she can be a bit lazy. When I worked with her on something, she usually took to it and kicked ass.
Now though, hanging out with the man-baby for almost a month was showing.
She didn't want to study, she wanted to fuck and that was the last thing I was interested in.
My first lunch back, it hit me that the last time I had lunch at school was when Azimio had dropped that Chlamydia bomb on me. I avoided tots and grilled cheese sandwiches...I avoided most of the food. When I showed up to the lunch table with just a banana and chocolate milk, Britt and Q stopped glaring at each other long enough to glare at me.
A common enemy...I could be that if they could just stop this war.
"Is that all you're having?" Q asked.
"She's not your responsibility, Quinn. Step off."
"Fuck you, okay. You have the biggest chip on your shoulder because you didn't get off Finn's dick long enough to go see your supposed love in the hospital! I even offered to take you and each time you made a damn excuse. You feel guilty but that's not my problem. I did my job as her best friend. I showed the fuck up! If you love her, prove it, stop punishing me for your stupid mistakes."
"Whoa, Q...that's enough." I said but she just rolled her eyes and went back to her food.
I turned to B, expecting her usual tears after being called stupid but instead of sadness there was rage. She was about to reach across the table and slap, Q, my instincts told me so.
And sure, enough she had her fist balled up, but I put my hand on top of her fist.
"Please, stop." I said to her and she nodded.
"I'm sorry."
"Yes, I'm just having a banana and milk, I'm not really hungry. I will eat again when I get home, please don't fight. Okay?"
"Good luck with that, they have been like this since you went into the hospital." Rachel said as she slid in next to Quinn.
"No one asked you." Quinn said calmly as she continued to eat and read her textbook like she was bored with our presence. Rachel reached over and closed the book, Quinn looked like she wanted to snap but when their eyes met, she let out a sigh. "That was uncalled for, I'm sorry." I was in awe, as my big bad bestie basically kowtowed to Rachel Berry.
What was this world that I had come back to?
When I got to my parents' house on Saturday afternoon, I came loaded down with school books wanting to squeeze in study time if I could, but my family time was in full swing.
The house already looked a bit bare and my parents were glowing.
I put my book bag down in the den by the kitchen and then greeted everyone.
Sandra looked me over and then hugged me super tight.
"How was your first week of school?"
"Good, I have a lot of work to catch up on but I'm happy to be studying again."
"Oh God, Papi you raised another nerd?" Celia chimed in and Papi shrugged.
"It's genetics."
"I must have got skipped." She said, and he nodded.
"You're all your mother."
"Well that's mean!"
Seeing Papi joking with his kids was so surreal because we had never managed that kind of relationship.
"How long until dinner, Mami, I could use some study time if it's going to be awhile."
"An hour or so."
"Perfect."
"Actually, Anita, could you please come to my study? I want to talk to you."
Mami froze and so did I, that never was a good segue into conversation.
"It's not bad, I promise."
Sandra rubbed my back. "Remember, he's not going to do anything stupid."
Her word I trusted, so I followed Papi into his study.
When I went to sit across from his desk, he shook his head and gestured over to the couches that sat on either side of a coffee table with chess and checker boards on it.
"Do you want a drink?"
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"You know I can't." I said.
"Mmm, so you're keeping it then?"
"I am."
"Seltzer or ginger ale?"
"Either."
When we were settled on opposite couches he crossed his leg over the other and looked me in the eyes.
"I wanted to talk to you about Marco."
"Oh…touchy subject…don't you think? Are we ready for that?" I asked.
"It's important, I updated my will recently and I have made provisions to cut him out of it. I want you to know that any threats I attached to you staying married, are now null."
"It only took him nearly killing me."
"I know it shouldn't have but I'm a stubborn old man."
"You're not even 50!" I chuckled, and he smiled so wide, his dimples popped.
"And yet the Lopez curse of living beyond our years has taken a hold on me."
"Okay, Viejo." I said, and he laughed so loud that I froze.
Who was this man?
A sense of humor that I had rarely seen was being directed at me and I knew that it meant that he was trying, and it meant the world to me, but it was still strange.
"While we are discussing him, I think you should know who he really was to me. I feel like you and I can never mend this break between us until we discuss him. Please?"
"Okay. Is this about the drugs?"
"Yes and no."
"Okay. I'm all ears. Hit me with your best shot."
"I don't love him Papi, I don't think I ever will."
"I know, you've said that before, but I just could never understand why."
"Remember when I got pregnant?"
"How could I forget? I caused you a lot of pain. Accused you of lying."
"I forgave you a long time ago. It's just that... I got pregnant because he raped me, Papi. I know I denied it after telling you the first time...but it happened. Then this past summer he beat me almost every day and he made me perform sexual favors for his colleagues. I would be insane to love him after all the pain he has inflicted on me mentally, physically, and emotionally."
My father clenched his jaw and looked at me with hurt eyes. It hurt me to see him like this especially since he had seemed like he was in such a good mood, but I just felt like it was now or never.
It is never easy to tell your parents that they screwed up and I hope my children never have to tell me that because I could see by the look in his eyes that it pained him to hear these things, but it pained me double to hold them in.
"And the drugs?" His voice was hard and raspy, yet another trait that I inherited.
I could tell he was boiling over with rage, but I knew that it was directed at Marco and not at me, for once.
"He liked me that way, high. He says that I am more malleable, more like the woman that he wants as a wife. Like his own personal whore. I was becoming addicted to the coke, but Quinn and Sandra helped me before I got too far and then…"
"What there's more?" He sipped his seltzer, doing everything in his power it seemed to be sober for this talk. Drunk Papi and an apologetic me, was not a good mix. Before I spoke he gave me a supportive smile. "I'm all ears, mi'ja."
It was suddenly familiar to me, this baring of my sins. This felt a lot like confession, only I wasn't in a box hidden from the eyes of the priest. This was me being honest with the man who had made the last few years of my life uncomfortable. I was praying this time would be different.
"I was stupid, I got drunk and had sex and don't remember it. I got Chlamydia and gave it to him. He flew in and he forced me to do the lines and then he basically raped me again. Now I have this baby inside of me and I don't know who the father is and I'm terrified that this time, he's going to be the one to beat this baby out of me." He flinched knowing of his own past sins. "I'm afraid he'll find out and I don't think I can go through that twice."
"I will do everything in my power to protect you both." He said gesturing to my stomach, "I have already put some things in the works in New York, that's why he hasn't shown his face."
"Really?" The tears came because without knowing all the details, he'd already started trying to protect me. I was crying into my hands, I was ashamed, but I felt relieved at the same time. I peaked at him through my fingers and I could see his head bent low and his body shaking.
He raised his eyes to me, they were bloodshot and sad.
"Between Sandra barraging me with all I stand to lose and finding out that you're with child, I couldn't let you suffer anymore. Not on my watch." He seemed to be holding in so many questions, but he knew that there were only certain ones that would give him the answers that he needed. "What about the money, tell me about that?"
I took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes, remembering the last time he and I had discussed this issue. I had walked around with a bruise the size of his fist covering my face for a week.
He deserved the answer to this question as much as I needed to give it to him and while he searched my face, I left my expression open. This was not the time to build any walls, I had to be 100% truthful.
I had to get through all the pain of the last three months.
God has it only been three months?
Shit!
I shook my head to regain my focus and answered him the best way that I could
"Marco never offered me a corporate job. I worked as an escort and stripped at an exclusive brothel essentially. I had my own room and stripper pole. He made it seem glamorous and told me I could keep half of what I made. He got me hooked on coke and that made me easier...loose. I spent each night high and drunk. I made on average $3000 to $10,000 a night. Marco kept half of everything I earned...probably more than that. I hated myself for it but when I worked he didn't hit me and the sexual favors stopped. He forbid me to talk to you or anyone about it. I did find people who kept me from killing myself but there were times, that I didn't think I'd make it back here in one piece."
"I'm sorry, I did this to you. I forced him on you time and time again. You had finally been rid of him and I went searching for him right before your birthday. I thought it would be a great surprise now that you were both of legal age. I have failed you."
"You didn't know Papi...not completely. I had chances to get out, to make different choices and I fucked up. Some of this is on me."
"It's my job to know these things, Santana. I have been a father for more than half my life and I have failed all of you in some way but you, I have failed the most. Lo siento, querida bebe!"
"I forgive you, Papi...if you're being real with me then I forgive you."
He came over to my couch and wrapped me up in his arms. It felt so good to have him hold me close to him and I wanted to hold onto this feeling forever. The only thing that I didn't talk to him about was being gay…I thought I would cross that bridge a little later.
I dealt with what was most pressing to me, I also knew that by telling my father about all the abuse that I had suffered through the years that he would do his best to keep Marco away from me.
And at the end of the day that mattered to me more than anything.
We came out of the study, with Papi's arm around my shoulders and me leaning against him. Mami looked at us and then smiled with tears in her eyes, wrapping us in a group hug.
"I've prayed for this moment." She said to us. "We will be better Nanita."
I nodded and choked out a response, "So will I."
"This is nauseating." I heard Celia grumble but then Sandra shushed her.
"Let them have their moment." She whispered.
And then the spell was broken.
We broke bread together and for once, the laughter around the table wasn't forced. It was a good idea to have this send off and to air our grievances.
It even seemed, as they joked back and forth, that Mami and Sandra had squashed their beef. Thank God. One less thing I needed to stick my nose into.
After our heart to heart I walked through the house pointing out the things that they planned to leave behind like their flat screen TV, pictures, and of course money that I had stashed in various places. Papi packed up the SUV with all the things I planned to take and we all went back to my place for coffee and dessert.
I took a moment to change into something more comfortable and text my girls in our group message.
Dinner was amazing with my folks. Finally had a heart to heart with Papi. Told him about the summer, everything about the summer.-Santana
Their responses were nearly immediate.
That's amazing. I'm proud of you-Q
U came out?!-Britt
Not yet, having coffee and dessert at my place. We talked about the big stuff-Santana
Good-Q
Coming out isn't a big deal to you?-Britt
Relax B, she's trying-Q
Fuck you, Quinn. You should come out to him, baby.-Britt
Uh, just wanted to share. Play nice and I'll come out when the time is right.-Santana
I could see the bubbles populated as they wrote responses, but I left my phone on my nightstand and went back into the kitchen, not wanting to referee them for another second.
For once, my parents and two of my sisters were here for me and I wasn't going to waste it bowing down to Britt's demands. The Santana that would do anything to make Brittany happy, including screwing my own happiness was dead. She had to meet me where I was and if she couldn't do that, then she wasn't ready to be with me.
She was still a kid and I wasn't. My heart was ready to love her whenever and however, but my head knew way too much about how fucked up we'd be as a couple if we forced it.
I had to go at my own pace, there was no other way.