Chapter 26:Hurt (Christina Aguilera)
"Do you have everything you need?" I asked my parents as we sat in the airport drop off.
"Yes, mom!" Mami said and I rolled my eyes.
"I have to practice." I said to her and she looked at me for a long moment and then turned back to my father.
"Do you hear this Aden?"
"I do. She's a married woman, are you surprised?" It was such a non-factor and then he leaned forward and kissed my cheek. "I'm going to grab the bags, take your time my love."
"Wait, is this why he's being nice now, is your father actually excited about this?"
"I told him everything, Mami and he believed me this time."
Mami smiled so big and then there were tears in her eyes.
"I'm going to be an Abuela?"
"Yes." I said and now I was crying.
"Wow, I'm so happy for you." She reached across the console and pulled me into a hug. "Are you...does HE know?" She said, looking worried.
"No and please don't tell anyone else until after I file divorce papers. He needs to stay a ghost for my own piece of mind."
"Nanita, you know that I'm going to worry now, you live alone, and we will be hundreds of miles away. Anything could happen. Say the word and I'll stay."
"I will be okay, I'm a big girl and I have some protection."
"He didn't?" She looked shocked.
"Oh yeah, Papi gave me a gun and I'm going to get a license and go to class for it. I will be safe. I promise."
Her eyes got huge.
"Promise me that you will not use that gun until you have all the right paperwork?"
"I promise."
I climbed out the car to give Papi a proper hug and he held me for a long moment. Thankfully the airport wasn't crowded, or we'd be getting yelled at for taking so long.
"I love you, Santana and I accept you for who you are, you left that out last night, but I just needed you to know that I know, and I love you still. I'm sorry it took so long for me to accept you, but I do now. Cuidate." He said and when I pulled back to look at him, he winked.
He knew that I was gay and was showing that he was okay with it.
"Thank you, Papi. Give Atlanta hell, show em how we do it in Lima Heights."
He rolled his eyes.
"Like you even know what that means."
On the drive home, I gave myself space to really absorb the feeling of finally being on my own time schedule and ruling my own life.
I could follow any whim and I could get as high as I wanted, and I could make the choice not to.
Being drug free felt good and right now, that's all I needed.
When I got back to my place, I pulled out my cleaning supplies, turned the music up and began to give the apartment a good scrubbing.
There were moments where I would freeze, forgetting that there wasn't some person watching me or someone expecting me to have this place looking a certain way.
After I was done, I grabbed my jug of water and settled at the kitchen table to get some homework done. I was almost completely caught up, Lima really does move at a snail's pace, and was the euphoria of being home alone was starting to dissipate.
I think I need a pet-S
Q didn't respond, and I tried not to take it personally because really, it was Sunday afternoon and she was probably with Rachel. I couldn't expect her to be at my beck and call.
She wasn't my girl, but I did kind of have one...didn't I?
Hadn't I fought Marco to be with Britt and I was just sitting here waiting for what exactly?
And then I remembered just how jealous Britt had been and I realized that my go to action was to reach out to Quinn instead of B and that might be the problem. It was Q that I had kissed and cuddled with, while offering B just a study buddy when she came over.
That needed to change.
Are you busy?-Santana
Her response was immediate, like she was just sitting there waiting for me to respond.
NO. I'm SO BORED!-Britt
I think I need a pet-Santana
Wnt Tubbs?-Britt
No thanks-Santana
Wnt me?-Britt
...
...
...
I tried to come up with something witty but then I just was real.
Wanky-Santana
I'm not joking-Britt Britt
Ok then, Yes B, see if you can spend the night?-Santana
REALLY?-Britt
Please?-Santana
And then my phone rang.
"Hey, did you ask that fast?"
"Tell me you didn't invite Q over first." Her voice was deeper and had that Daddy tone to it and I was squirming in my seat.
"I didn't invite her over...just you. You're all I want right now."
"Just right now?"
"Always, B."
"I'm going to ask my mom now, did you eat?"
Again, I was hesitating and then I was honest.
"Not yet."
"Okay, hold on."
She put the phone down and then I was sitting there, for five minutes doodling S & B over and over again.
Then my phone chimed.
Sorry I missed you. Hope your parents got off okay. Just don't get a cat, dangerous for you right now. Rachel says hi. I love you and I'll see you at your first official practice tomorrow at 6am sharp! Have a good night!-Q
I chuckled to myself knowing that she was trying to say everything at once, so she could go back to whatever she was doing. She deserved this time for herself, so I didn't respond. There was no need.
"What are you laughing about?" B asked as she came back on the line.
"Oh nothing, so what did Susan say?"
"She told me to bring you dinner and that I can come over as long as we are on time for school tomorrow."
"We will be, I promise."
She screamed my answer to her mom and then she was back.
"Great, she's packing your plate now. She made spaghetti and meatballs."
"Did she make garlic bread?"
"Even better, she made garlic bread sticks."
"Oh God! What about dessert?" Suddenly I was starving.
"Tiramisu."
"Yes, I fucking love your mom. Hurry up and get here so you can watch me pig out."
"Should I bring anything else?"
I knew what she meant by that and my first instinct was to tell her no but then I figured, what could it hurt. We both knew we were endgame, sure I was keeping something major from her, but I needed to make sure she was ready to hear it.
And that I was fully ready to embrace it.
For now, I needed to take care of me.
"Yes, Daddy." I said, full sexpot voice.
"Yes! See you soon."
I finished up my homework and then cleaned up the kitchen, trying to keep my nerves at bay.
What had I just signed myself up for?
I wanted to text Quinn so badly, but I resisted. If I was going to be with Britt than I needed to BE with Britt. Things with me and Q could easily become more, it was too easy for us to fall into romantic moments. It was just the familiarity of everything we'd been through together and how similar we were that kept us from becoming something more and try as I might, I could never see her as my true love.
She'd seen too much, I'd always wonder if she was with me out of pity and it would just become an unhealthy obsession, so I needed to make things with Brittany work.
I love her in almost every way, I wanted to love her in ALL ways, but I just didn't know how yet but I wanted to know how and that was the difference between her and Q.
There was still that mystery of what me and B would become, and I craved that.
When Britt knocked on the door, I realized I had been wiping the table for way too long, it was so shiny that I could almost see my reflection in the wood.
Wow.
I shook myself out of my trance and went to the door. I hadn't changed or made myself pretty for her, that part of me that needed to impress her had fizzled away. I think part of me just wanted to know if she'd still want me if I was in my most natural state and I should have known by now, but my gut was something that I didn't know how to rely on anymore.
The huge smile on her face when I pulled the door open made all my doubts shut up.
She put the food down on my side table and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around her waist and let her carry me as she kicked my door closed.
I looked in her eyes and nothing else mattered.
"I need you right now, B."
"But what about dinner?"
"I might need some help building up an appetite."
"Say less."
Getting up early every morning, without anyone to answer to was getting harder and harder. I had four alarms set just to make sure that I got showered and dressed by 5:30 and then out the door and on the field by 6. I was the first one there every day, running the track with music pumping in my ear.
That was how I avoided Sue's morning rant at the late Cheerios and after two weeks, she had come to expect my early arrival and would have the school lights on and waiting for me.
Even though I wasn't really showing yet, this baby was starting to make itself known. After every morning run, I would go back to the locker room and vomit for five minutes.
Thanks to Sue and Quinn, nobody was the wiser.
My mood though, was getting worse and Britt was starting to take notice.
It was a Friday and I was grumbling to myself as I made my way from the bathroom to my locker after having thrown up in the middle of the day for the first time, Britt stepped next to me and put an arm over my shoulders.
"Hey B." I said, my throat feeling raw.
"Are you moody again?"
"No." I grumbled.
"You so are! Is it because of HoCo?"
"What?" I said as I pulled away from her and opened my locker.
She was standing there, not bothering to grab her books for the weekend.
"Is this because I told you I wanted to go to homecoming?"
"No. I don't care about that."
"So, you'll go with me then?" She had been asking me for a week straight to go to this stupid dance with her when all I really wanted to do was go home and veg out.
But she had worn me down and it wasn't her fault that I felt like a gross slob.
"Fine." I said.
She jumped up and down. Then she turned to her locker and I lie to you not, pulled out a fish bowl with two sad looking fishes swimming around.
On the bowl she had written in marker, "I'm glad we are finally o-fish-al."
"Oh my God, B, how long did you have those in there?"
"Um...since this morning, Q told me that you'd break today so I went out last night and got these guys."
"Why?"
"Well you said you needed a pet and I know you won't want to clean up poop so here."
I held onto the bowl and couldn't help but smile.
But then I got a whiff of the water and I was shoving it back in her arms and running.
My appetite hadn't been the best, so I was just dry heaving over the toilet.
By the time Britt got to me, holding both our book bags and the fish, I was reapplying my lip gloss in the mirror.
"Are you okay?"
"I would be better if you went home with me and made me feel better."
"That would be easier than going home only to come back for the game."
"I know."
"But me and Q are supposed to get ready at her place." She said, then she shrugged. "Oh well."
Britt had gone home with me that afternoon and showered with me until the water ran cold. Her kisses were soft as she grazed my body, admiring the softness that replaced my abs and the curve of my hips.
Right then I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know that my body would never be all bones and abs...there would soon be a fat belly and stretch marks, but I wasn't ready...even though we were connecting more and more, I still wasn't claiming her at school and we had NO title.
All we had was these stolen moments where she made my eyes cross and body tremble.
"I love you." She would whisper against my face as her fingers thrust inside of me and I would clutch her to me, enjoying the feel her against me.
But then alarms would go off and we were back in the shower.
We showed up at the game, pinkies linked and bodies sore.
Q met us at the entrance looking every bit as annoyed as she should be since B hadn't called her to cancel.
"I waited for you, which made me late and now thanks to you, Sue is on a rampage. You're both late."
"Sandbags!" I went stiff as Sue came storming around the corner of the stadium.
"Yes coach?"
"You live across the street! Why are you late?"
"I got sick and needed to change. Britt was making sure that I was okay."
Sue gave me a knowing look and then nodded.
"I just need you on the bench tonight, keeping tabs of any screw ups in the routine. Can you manage that?"
"Yes, coach."
"Good. Let's move it ladies."
Q and B followed her at a slow jog and I took my sweet ass time as I walked over to the bench, there were definite advantages to this pregnancy and I was going to milk it for as long as I could.
After a stunning defeat, where Finn got turned around and ran sixty yards into the wrong end zone, scoring a touchdown for the other team...I stood from my perch on the bench way too fast and felt the world turning upside down.
Before I hit the ground, my body collided with someone else's but because it wasn't Britt's, I knew it would be a problem.
Quinn's arms came around me and steadied me.
She held me there for a moment until I was solid on my feet and then came the storming feet and the growl from Britt.
"What's this?"
"She got dizzy, I was just making sure-" Quinn started to say, a stutter in her voice that I hadn't seen since Russell yelled at her once in front of me.
"We talked about this!" Britt said to her and Quinn literally looked at me for a long moment, her eyes going from sad to angry to ice in seconds.
"I'm sorry, okay. Next time I'll let her fall." Q said, turning in a flourish and storming to the locker room.
"What the hell, B?" I asked, and she got all sweet again.
"She was overstepping with you, so I told her she needed to back off."
"Or what?" I asked.
"I'd write Shelby and tell her Q wanted to steal Beth back." B had no remorse as she told me this so matter of fact. "It's not like I'd really do it."
"That's low, B, especially for you. I got dizzy and she saved me from falling. That was it. Wait...is this why she barely texts me back and stopped coming over?"
She shrugged again.
"It's better this way. You're happy, even your weight is better. In two weeks I have done more for you than she has since you met her. Now let's go back to your place and finish what we started."
"Actually, B, I think I need to be alone tonight. What time is the dance tomorrow?"
"Oh, um...I can pick you up at 5."
"Great. I'll see you then."
I didn't hug her or even pinky link that time, I just turned from her and walked home. She was being possessive, and I wanted no parts.
When I got back home, I stripped off my track suit and sat watching the Bachelor with Monty and Gulliver, the little fishes were great company. Britt had at least been right about that but this whole thing she had with Q wasn't sitting right with me.
She told me that she threatened you. I'm sorry. That wasn't cool.-S
I put my phone on the charger and left Britt on unread. She needed time to stew over what she had done. My head was hurting as I fell asleep and the banging didn't stop. Then I heard her whimpers on the other side of my door and realized that it was B that had been knocking.
"I'm sorry...please let me in...please, Ana."
"Go away, Britt." I called to her as I rested my head against the door.
"I just hate how she looks at you."
"She can do what she wants, at the end of the day she knows who I want to be with. I need you to go home, B. Please. I'll see you tomorrow."
"So, what, I'm on time out?"
"Yes. I need a break."
"You can't take a break if we aren't together."
"I know."
"Fine. I'll see you tomorrow at 5."
"Okay...be safe driving home." I walked away from the door then and curled into my couch. I picked up my phone from the charger and saw that Q had messaged back.
No matter how far you run, a version of Marco always appears. I hate everyone who tries to contain you.-Q
Then ten minutes went by and she said,
I can't hate Britt no matter how hard I try. I miss us, but I don't want her to become him.-Q
And then,
Should I worry?-Q
And then,
If she hurts you, I'm dropping her from the top of a pyramid. I swear on everything.-Q
And then now,
She just apologized and told me to tell you we made up. So there. I told you...if you need me, I'm here. If you're dizzy, your iron might be low. Talk to your doctor about a supplement.-Q
I could hear Britt's truck revving up and then pulling away, then I walked to the window and watched her turn away from my street. When I looked at the stadium, I could see her, running laps.
Quinn liked to run when she needed to cry, and I could see her, wiping at her face as she came up to the empty bleachers. Then she picked up her phone and stared at it for a long while.
A moment later my phone chimed in my hand.
I will always have your back. We are a trinity because Sue deems it so but no matter what, I am YOUR best friend.-Q
She went to put the phone down but then hesitated as my reply went through.
Stop running, come be my best friend.-S
I watched as she turned and looked towards my apartment, it was probably going to make things worse with me and Brittany, but I couldn't just let Q crumble without me.
She had my back through everything and I couldn't let her down.
Q showed up and just hugged me for a long time, crying into my shoulder.
"She can't go to Shelby, if I stop getting pictures and updates, I'll break...please don't let her do that to me."
I pulled her into the apartment and closed the door.
When I put my hands on either side of her face to rub away her tears, more came.
"I won't let her fuck that up."
"Promise me?"
"I promise."
"Oh God, thank you!"
For the first time in our relationship, Q didn't sleep in the bed with me. Even with my assurance, she wasn't trying to piss off B not knowing that even finding her here, when I had turned B away would be a thing.
But I didn't have to worry about that because by the morning, Q was long gone.
My heart ached for her and it made my next move amplified.
I can't go to HoCo with you. Still mad. I think we need space.-Santana
Here we go again.-Britt Britt
Do you want the fish back?-Santana
No.-Britt Britt
Will you still go?-Santana
Finn asked, so yeah-Britt Britt
Great, have fun.-Santana
She didn't respond after that and honestly, it felt like it was for the best.
By mid-October, I had stopped being dizzy and just had the morning (all day) sickness to deal with. Britt had backed off a lot and Quinn was still kind of keeping her distance, so I started having lunch in the library or with Sue, going over routines.
With Monty (Gulliver had died), for company I was doing alright on my own. There was a period of adjustment but now I felt good enough to go days without someone over to distract me.
It felt good.
Marco was still making himself scarce after nearly killing me and I was thankful for it. Papi had finally sat him down and told him what was what. According to Papi, I could expect a divorce very soon and if my dad had anything to do with it, it would be an annulment.
We still hadn't spoken to each other except for him leaving me a voicemail, begging me not to press charges. I deleted it and then promptly did not press charges.
I didn't want to get wrapped up in a court case, I just wanted to keep this pregnancy under wraps and get through school.
Nothing else was on the agenda.
He was slowly fading into my past again and I didn't mind much.
Now that that Britt was back with Finn and put me in the friend-zone, I hung out with Quinn whenever I got the chance and I was back on my weekly shopping schedule with Britt, they both seemed to be happy that our friend time was one on one.
Neither one of them seemed to notice that I was drifting on my own most days.
I had gotten a baby doctor and was going to appointments solo...and at first, I had the urges to reach out and drag one of them with me but after two visits I stopped.
This was my time to do this on my own. It was enough that I was getting individual time with them, even if I did miss the trinity.
Two weeks after homecoming they still hadn't spoken and while I was sure that would eventually have an effect on the team, I had managed to space them apart enough to keep war from breaking out.
My close proximity to the school provided me with no excuse to not attend football games, Sue didn't really put me to work when they were going on other than just being a second set of eyes, so I ended up sitting with Rachel in the stands. Quinn had asked her to keep an eye on me even though I assured them both that my dizzy spells were gone.
From what I knew, Rachel didn't know about the baby, she was still on drug watch...which was also an okay thing to do. I wasn't magically cured of my drug addiction, I had just been focusing on my other priorities.
Sitting with Rachel, had me enjoying the game much more since I was able to pay attention to what was actually happening without being distracted by B.
In the last week, we began to spend time again outside of shopping and it was actually what I had wanted in the first place, Sweet Valley High marathons and lots of silliness.
Finn called a lot, asking her a million questions about what she was doing, and I was beginning to see where she had picked up this need to control everything.
He had told her how devious Quinn was and she had started believing that Q was out to steal me.
As if I wasn't a grown woman with my own mind.
Now that she was back together with Finnept and he apparently made her happy, I kept my physical distance when he was around and tried my hardest to keep my eyes from admiring Britt's body for too long.
"Please tell me these hormones chill out at some point?" I said to Q as we took a jog around the track after school.
"Nope. They stick around even after the kid for a bit. You're horny, aren't you?" She asked with a grin.
"All the fucking time."
"Get some batteries and a vibrator, trust me, way less drama."
"I miss her though."
"I get that, and I wouldn't be mad at you if you got her away from Finn. Do you know he still texts Rachel every day?"
"No way?!"
"Little things, like saw this thought of you or having a green drink, you'd love it. Stupid shit but it is really making me want to drive a knife through his brain."
"Good God, you sound like me!"
"Two peas in a pod, San."
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Vega?"
I hated that my last name was officially Vega...it made my skin crawl, but I didn't correct people anymore because it involved explaining and I just didn't care to spend that much time and effort.
It would change soon enough.
"Yes? Who's this?"
"Dr. J, who else?"
"Hey doc, what's up?"
"I'm so glad you didn't say it like the bunny, that joke gets old."
"Ha!"
"I hope that I caught you at an okay time. Can you make it in today by any chance, I have your picture framed."
"The puzzle?"
"Yes also, I see that you skipped your follow up after you were discharged. We need to get some tests done and you could really use an exam to make sure everything is okay."
"I did get a baby doc, Dr. Ramirez. She's pretty amazing."
"Yes, she is but that's not the original reason you were in the hospital if you'll recall. Can you come in this morning?"
"Actually, I am headed to take my SATs, can't it wait? My lungs feel fine, the spawn is making me upchuck like it's supposed to...what's to check on?"
"Maybe after your test you could make it in? You need to put your health first, especially now."
Quinn was having a big bonfire down at the junction and I had been psyched about it, but I knew that she would understand if I had to take a slight detour, I mean I usually showed up late anyway.
"Alright, doc, how about at 4?"
"Perfect, see you then, Mrs. Vega."
"Oh, and doc?"
"Yes?"
"Please stop calling me that, Lopez is fine."
"Noted. See you at 4."
At first, I was fine, I got to the cafeteria and signed in and was sent off with the M-Z group which annoyed me, I had to make sure to get divorced before graduation. I would not graduate as Santana Vega. Since I was now stuck at the end of the alphabet, there was no commiserating with Quinn and even though this meant I'd get to see Britt, I was too anxious about my test to enjoy being close to her and then I was worried about what the good doctor had to say, he was a little too adamant for my liking.
Truth was, I was terrified that once I saw the kid, I'd fall in love and the world wouldn't matter anymore.
I had really wanted to talk to Quinn about going with me, since I was terrified of it all and she had been in my shoes but now I had to wait until our break in two hours, since the people with A-L last names were in a different part of the school.
The only upside was that now I got to stare at Britt without Finn lingering and watching me because she was at the end of the alphabet too.
The first half of the test was verbal, and it went painstakingly slow, I had finished each section in record time and even had time to recheck my answers twice but then I looked over at Britt and she was near tears, which made me want to strangle Finn.
She'd admitted to me that his help had been to have sex with her and while I tried to make up for that, it wasn't enough. I had offered to help Britt study, but Finn had gotten territorial and said that he would be able to help her ten times better than I could.
I got it, he didn't want me to be alone with her, so then Quinn tried to help but the idiot had insisted in front of Britt and just went along with it.
Watching her fall apart without being able to help her was literal torture. Britt was up for a scholarship to Juilliard and since she needed every bit of scholarship money that she could get, this test was crucial.
She didn't have Quinn's money or my trust fund to get her to New York she was relying on pure talent.
Seeing her struggle pained me but I knew that at this point there was nothing I could do.
When break came around, they sent us to the cafeteria, providing us with a half hour to eat and mingle so that we could give our brains a rest.
I headed towards Q, so that I could talk through some of this anxiety after that phone call, but Britt had other ideas.
Before I knew it, she had wrapped her arms around me and was sobbing into my neck. I held her close and rubbed her back.
"It's alright B, there is always the makeup next month."
"The scholarship deadline is in two weeks, Ana! I'm so screwed. I should have let you help me like I wanted you to."
"I'm sure you are doing great, B. Just think about what I have taught you and forget the rest. I know you got this!"
"Finn says that your tricks and shortcuts are dumb but then I tried his and now my head feels like it has marbles rolling around in it."
I was beyond angry, he had no right to try and teach her stuff in a different way so close to the test.
He was an idiot!
I gripped Britt's hand and stormed over to where the dumb jocks were sitting.
"Ana...don't." She whispered but I was on a mission.
And I didn't care who saw.
"Hey creampuff!"
Finn turned red as he looked my way. I had my arms crossed over my chest after moving Britt to stand behind me just in case this got ugly.
Everyone sat frozen watching us, Finn jumped up and stormed over towards me with his fists balled up and his stupid gassy baby face scrunched up.
I knew he was embarrassed but I didn't give a shit about those dumb meatheads.
Britt was hurting, and he was going to pay.
"What is it Santana?"
"Do you know how long it took me to get Brittany to finally understand the verbal and mathematical functions for this test? I taught her all my tricks and that is why she has a 3.0 average but apparently you are smarter than me and now that she had to rely on your dumbass ideas she couldn't work out the test, you fucking confused her!"
"Your methods made no goddamn sense, Santana."
"Maybe not to your puny nut sized brain, jockstrap, but Britt had gotten it. It would have been easier to just let me help her, I have helped her since the tenth fucking grade. And now, if she misses out on Julliard because of you and your stupid fucking territorial bullshit, I am going to stick my foot so far up your ass you are going to taste the dirt on my sneaker for weeks."
"Take that back."
"Make me!"
"You know what Santana?" I had conducted myself at a low growl, but he was loud. Like screaming, loud. "I'm sick of your shit. Just fucking come out of the closet already! You are just mad because I had the balls to ask Brittany out. If you would just admit to everyone that you're a lesbian already maybe you wouldn't be such a fucked up, crack addicted bitch! You are so unlovable that even your parents had to leave you, you're only worth a good lay and even then, it's probably disease infected!"
The whole room went silent as I stood there frozen. My whole body was shaking, and I couldn't bring myself to move, knowing that I had another life to protect but that didn't stop Britt.
She lunged at Finn who had already been on his way back to his table wearing a self-satisfied smirk. I didn't even watch the altercation, I just turned and ran as fast I could out of the room.
Q says it was poetic justice watching the quarterback being tackled by a blonde cheerleader and getting wailed on.
I'm sure it was, and I would have done it myself it hadn't of been for my tears. I couldn't let them see me cry. I didn't see anything past his words because I was already in the bathroom sobbing.
I had just been outed in front of the whole senior class as a crackhead and a lesbian. I didn't know which one was worse. All I knew is that I couldn't show my face out there and then my body agreed with me, I was mid sob as the first wave of nausea hit me, followed by a second and a third. I was knelt over the toilet gagging when Q found me...I hadn't even shut the stall door.
"San? Sweetie? Are you okay?" I didn't have the energy to answer, so I just shook my head, turned back to the toilet and continued to empty my stomach. "Right, stupid question. You will be happy to know that Sue just kicked out Finn and he has to make it all up."
I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and sat against the stall wall.
"He's a fucking asshole. I hate him!"
"Me too."
The bathroom door swung open and Rachel popped her head in.
"Britt was just escorted out of the building and if you two don't come out of this bathroom you will be too. Test starts in three minutes."
My heart swelled at the thought that Britt had another chance to take the test! I mean I hated that she was being sent home, but I knew that I would be able to help her this time. I let that knowledge calm me as I rinsed out my mouth and headed back to my testing area.
I looked at Britt's empty seat and sighed, I needed to get through this test and get out of this place. For me this was just a formality, but I tried my best to focus on the rest of the test even though I could feel people watching me.
I was nerve wracked and knowing that I had to head back to the hospital to top it all off had me jittery.
"Time! Please turn your tests in up at the front. Good luck to you all."
I rushed out of the building and walked as fast as I could towards home, not even stopping to put my bag inside. Right then I just needed to get in the fucking car and go but I had been trying to get my key in the ignition for several minutes without success.
"Ugh! God help me! Please?" I pleaded with the sky.
I finally got the key in and was able to start the car. My hands were shaking so badly, I knew that I just needed a cigarette and I would be able to calm myself but that wasn't an option anymore
And then all at once a craving that I hadn't had in a while washed over me and I closed my eyes, placed my head against the steering wheel and tried to breathe.
I hadn't locked my doors so when Quinn got in it shouldn't have surprised me so much but when she touched my leg, I jumped and nearly had a heart attack.
"Fuck! Quinn! You can't do that! Shit!"
My hands began shaking harder as I rested my face on the steering wheel again and started breathing fast.
"San? It's okay honey. Here," she handed me some gum. "it helps with the nerves. Just chew and breathe slowly."
I took the gum and chewed, I immediately began to breathe a little easier. I turned my face to her and smiled, happy that I was able to calm down without nicotine or coke.
"Thanks Q."
"No problem. Feel better?"
"Yea."
"So where are you headed the bonfire isn't for three hours. Are you going to check on B?"
"Headed to the hospital actually."
"Really? Why?"
"Dr. J is insisting I come get a checkup, I haven't been back since I left." she nodded and buckled her seat belt.
"Well, he's probably right, let's go check on your little gumdrop."
I love Q, she is always down for anything.
Even at the last moment.
I got blood drawn, took a pee test, and had bright lights shined in my eyes. My brain function seemed to be returning to normal although apparently, my memory was slow.
Dr. Ramirez cam in for the baby exam and this time I didn't stop her from doing the sonogram, since I wasn't alone.
After a very uncomfortable probe, Quinn held my hand in the dark room and we watched the flutter of a heartbeat on the screen and then there was the thing on my stomach and the sound of running horses filled the room.
When I looked at Q, she had tears in her eyes. I looked back at the screen and knew that my fears from earlier were unfounded.
I was in love and it was the best thing in the world.
When we were back in Dr. J's office, he gave me the picture frame with my puzzle, with the ultrasound pics on top and Quinn took the lead on asking the questions as I looked at the little baby that was growing inside of me.
"How far along?" She asked.
"Twelve weeks."
I was counting back in my head, I found myself hoping it was Marco's more than any other guy, only because I knew him but then because I knew him, I thought of the sweetness of Ian that one time we spoke and prayed that it would be his.
Most of all though, I was just happy that it was mine.
Lately, I have been a little too open with my emotions but at this moment I just wanted to curl up and be alone. Every thought was in my mind and Q knew better than to harass me. Instead she made sure we stopped for some food on the way to her house and then she kissed my cheek and told me that I should take some time to myself.
She understood that it was sinking in now and I needed the space to deal with it.
When I got up to my apartment I shut all the blinds, put my Amy Winehouse playlist on repeat and then drowned myself in my blankets and pillows.
I wasn't built to be anyone's mother, I was too fucking selfish for my own good and any kid would be suffering with me as their Mami.
My head was full of every doubt, every excitement, and every everything, that when I vaguely heard my phone ringing and then knocking at my door, I couldn't bring myself to move.
My phone continued to go off and so I finally checked the caller id, it was fucking Marco, had he heard? Was there some mass announcement?
I threw my phone across the room feeling somewhat satisfied when I heard it shatter, I knew I was being irrational, but weeks had gone by without this much attention.
And I was terrified Marco was on the other side of that door, ready to beat the baby out of me and I was freaking out as the knocking persisted.
"Go away!"
My voice was almost nonexistent, and my words were no more than a whisper.
Whoever it was kept right on fucking knocking but I wasn't moving. I started singing to myself trying my best to drown out the noise, I knew that I was losing it.
I rocked and sang until no sound came from my throat.
The knocking had finally stopped thankfully but that was only because whoever it was had gotten inside.
I was suddenly wrapped in Britt's warm comfort.
She laid on her side behind me and held me close to her.
I didn't want her to see me like this but knowing Britt, she didn't give a shit what I wanted when I was this deep in depression especially if it ended up with me trying to hide from the world like this.
"You heard the news I take it?"
Had Quinn sent her, too worried about me to be able to enjoy her Rachel time?
Britt was talking but I was only half listening.
"God San I'm so sorry this had to happen just when things were looking up for you. When I saw it on the news I rushed right over here. Thank goodness you taught me to pick locks." She was rambling and rocking me.
At some point Quinn came into the room with tears in her eyes. Did she think I was mad that she told Britt because I wasn't?
Then some of the words were hitting me and they didn't fit with the pregnancy...not really. Something had happened, and it had to do with me and my world, so I forced myself to pay closer attention to my surroundings.
"I canceled the bonfire, have you heard from your mom yet?"
"I haven't moved from this spot, I'm not even sure how I feel right now, why would I talk to my mom?"
Quinn looked confused and then I saw the light bulb go on in her head.
"Shit San...where is your phone?"
"I threw it when I saw that Marco was calling me."
"San something has happened...something big."
Quinn rummaged around in my covers until she found the remote. She turned on the TV and almost immediately I saw my father's face flash on the screen.
I sat up as the reporter began to speak.
Former prominent local figure was gunned down this afternoon. Aden Mateo Lopez was working at the Atlanta Medical Center this afternoon when a deranged man walked in and started spraying the room with bullets. As of this time there have been nineteen casualties and six are wounded. The hospital was locked down for six hours this afternoon while police searched for the gunman. The man, Isaiah Powell of Savannah, Georgia, was brought down shortly after his shooting spree when he opened fire on enforcement officials. A public vigil is being held at Lima General this evening to pray for the victims and their families. Aden Lopez was 49...
I remember every second after I heard the news, but I don't think I was really present, the world just seemed to move around me at a slow pace in black and white. I remember standing up and letting Britt put some clothes on me. I remember using Quinn's phone to call my mother and I especially remember how hysterical she was. I tried to comfort her, but I know that it fell flat.
It was like my emotions had been sucked out of me. As a child my father hated to wake up on Sunday's more than anything. I inherited this trait from him, among others.
As a family we would always go to midnight mass on Saturdays and since I was in Catholic school my dad felt like his duties as a good Catholic had been fulfilled.
When I lost the baby, I had stopped going to mass all together.
I tried to get up the urge to make it but there was always something more important going on.
Over the years I had only gone a handful of times and one of those nights resulted in meeting Blaine, sneaking into a bar afterwards and drinking away the nights sermon on homosexuality.
We ended up in bed together trying to fuck away the gay but we both left the motel feeling even more assured in who we were and what we couldn't be, straight.
I went to mass a few times after that but really something had died in me when I was told I was going to hell for who I loved. Quinn and I had millions of conversations after that, involving religion and I always agreed with her. God is love and so he could never hate me because I loved Brittany.
Even with Quinn urging me to not give up my faith, I still felt cheated and betrayed by those people that I trusted, it was why I refused to go to a Catholic high school.
So, when I got up that night after hearing that my father had been taken away from me, I got dressed and walked to the church down the street with my two shadows flanking me. When we walked into the church, I know that Quinn was a bit shocked, but she just followed me down the aisle towards the front.
I was numb.
Papi and I were just fixing things, just getting back to being a father and daughter duo that loved each other endlessly.
I needed to find some absolution, I needed to embrace what little faith I had left.
When I walked to the front of the church and knelt in front of the altar, I felt Q and B beside me, but I was too focused on my petitions to pay them any mind.
My head was pounding but I prayed hard and lit candles, thinking that Papi would laugh at this sight.
This day would change my life forever, my love for a baby whose father was unknown and an emptiness over a father that I was just starting to know,
I sat through midnight mass like my life depended on it and let the words settle the truth within me as I pressed my hands to my stomach and leaned forward, resting my forehead on the pew in front of me.
Life goes on and I had to make it count.