Chapter 27: LOVE (Jhene Aiko feat. Nas)
After mass, Quinn looped her arm through mine and Britt walked beside us, her arm thrown over my shoulder. I hadn't walked with my two best friends like this since their war started and I hated that it took tragedy for them to get over themselves, but I wasn't going to take it for granted.
"I think it's time we had an honest conversation." I said and they both got a little stiff but neither said anything. "This last few weeks of you two fighting and being little shits to each other has really taken its toll on me. I have tried to suck it up, hoping you will just go back to being friends but now, as I go through this big thing...I'm going to want both of you there with me and that means you'll need to squash this beef."
"I feel you, I'm so tired of having my guard up all the time. I don't want to look at you too long, San and risk losing any contact with Beth but at the same time, you are like my sister and sometimes the only family that I have."
"And I'm always here to be that for you, Q. There's nothing in this life that I wouldn't do for you. You want to off on someone, I got you...it's whatever and B that doesn't mean that I'm running away with Q to live some life without you. You're my endgame. You can't recreate what we have. I need you to be secure in that. The only thing that got me through this summer was knowing I was coming back to you."
"You really mean that?" B said, stopping our momentum to look at me. Quinn was still arm in arm with me and tried to pull back, but I clamped down and wouldn't let her pull away.
"I do but you need to also accept that this girl right here, is the reason that I'm sane enough for you to be with. Q has held me together and saved my life more than once. You can't push her away without losing me too."
B nodded as she looked at Q for a long moment and then that silly grin was on her face and she was pulling Q into a hug.
"Finn got in my head, he's really hung up on you and Rachel. I think I forgot who you really are. I'm sorry. You held me together too when Ana left. You were the only one that was honest with me. I'm really sorry and I would never ever get between you and Beth, I just was trying to scare you."
"Come at me all you want just please leave Beth out of it, deal?"
She nodded. "Deal. I'll never do that again."
I pulled them in and hugged them both at the same time, content that this could be a turning point for us...hopefully.
When we got back to my apartment I found Celia sitting down against my door frame in tears.
Of my sisters, she lived the closest, less than 100 miles away so I wasn't surprised that she made her way to her closest connection to Papi, me.
Seeing my older sister in tears made me feel sick, I knew that it was on the news, but I hadn't seen any of my family yet, so this made it all real.
And I also knew that I would see all my sisters one by one show up on my doorstep over the coming days.
Now with Papi gone, for some reason, I now symbolized home to them.
Go fucking figure!
As Celia went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, I slumped against B.
"I just want to take a bath and lay down, I'm not ready to deal with this."
"Then let me, you and B go have some time and I'll keep Celia company." I hesitated, not wanting to push off my sister onto Q but then she squeezed my hand. "I'm here if you need me but you have B, I'm not taking a bath with you that's my beyond my expertise...so go do that with B. You're going to be bombarded with family soon enough. It might be a good time for you to trust Brittany to take care of you."
There was a twinkle in her eye...Britt needed to know about what was coming and this might be our only moment.
"Okay." Celia came out of the bathroom, looking a little better. "Sis, you're welcome to the guest room. I'm over it today. Make yourself at home. I love you." I let her hold me for a long moment and then she kissed the side of my face and stepped back.
"Go and I love you too." She winked at B and then turned towards Q, "I know none of you is legal but is there any liquor in here?"
"Yup, I raided Marco's liquor cabinet when I moved her stuff in." Quinn said as she moved into the kitchen.
"Oh, I like you." Celia chuckled at Q.
"You two sure it's okay if I head to bed?"
"Yeah, go...I can't ask you to stop your plans. Can I give you another hug first?" I was frozen for a second but then I saw her smile and remembered that summer of her dragging me out of bed. She'd shown her love back then in her own way. So, I let her hug me and I rested my face on her shoulder. "Just know that I love you and I'm here for you. Okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"Get some sleep. I will hang with blondie over here."
"Don't overdo it and be careful, she's still jail-bait." Quinn glared but I just winked and pulled B down the hall to my bedroom.
Things were shifting, my heart felt so heavy, but I just had to have faith that things were going to be okay.
Once I closed the door to my room, I realized that this was the first time that I was alone with B in my room since I had moved in. She stood there nervously and then for some reason I was thinking of Susan.
"Text your mom and let her know you're staying." I said, and she nodded, pulling out her phone.
While she did that, I started pulling off my clothes, tossing them in the hamper...completely unconcerned about my ex seeing me naked. Let her look.
I stood in front of my mirror as I put my hair into a top knot and caught B's reflection. Her cheeks were flushed as she stared at my naked body and then without a word, she tossed her phone onto my dresser and started pulling her own clothes off.
She had her bottom lip between her teeth as she walked over to me and I finally felt flushed.
But when she touched me, she just grabbed my hand and pulled me into my bathroom, sitting me down on the edge of the toilet.
There was no question that I needed some comfort in that moment and she was doing just that as she filled up the tub. If this were her house there'd be duck bubble bath, but I just had the fancy stuff that smelled sexy and was hella expensive. I didn't even care as she poured it liberally under the water.
I sat there dazed, just watching the joy on her face as the bubbles formed, then when the tub was full, and she pulled me back to my feet. In that moment, she was still Finn's girl and I was a pregnant soon to be divorcee at the ripe old age of 18. It's no wonder why I just stood there shifting back and forth from foot to foot, feeling a little uneasy.
My body felt heavy and my eyes were equally so, but I couldn't rest, my mind wouldn't allow it.
Maybe I could have protested a shared bath since she wasn't my girl, but I didn't give a flying fuck. Britt was a woman with her own mind and if she thought this was best for me in this moment I wasn't going to question her.
After we settled into the bubbles, I rested my head back on her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my middle and gave me a good squeeze.
"You know B, you won't be able to do this for much longer."
"What take baths? Is it because of Finn or is Marco coming back?" I froze when she mentioned his name a sick feeling covered me suddenly. That was my worst nightmare, not only could he ruin my life at any moment especially since Papi wasn't here to protect me, but his very name would taint all the amazingness that is Brittany.
I shook off the disgusting and disturbing feeling and leaned deeper into her, returning to the conversation with no response to the Marco question.
"I'm pregnant, B. I'm going to have a baby. I saw its little fluttering heart and heard the heartbeat today. Q went with me, don't be mad at her about it...please?"
It was her turn to freeze up, I leaned my head back and looked up her. I expected a scowl or anger on her face, but she just smiled and rubbed her hands across my stomach.
"Wow Ana. I'm glad you weren't there alone. I was a bitch to Q and I mean it. I am sorry."
"And the baby? Is it a deal breaker between you and me?"
"No way, I'm so excited that we are going to have a baby. I hope it's a girl, then she can be the flower girl at our wedding. You're gonna have to divorce Marco though and I have to dump Finn, I mean I kind of did when I punched him so many times. I want to be together for real now though. I'm ready when you are."
I found myself laughing at the absurdity of it all, but I knew that Britt was serious. Which made all the laughter stop.
"Wait, B...You still want to marry me after everything I've done?"
"Yes. A thousand times, yes. I want to be a Lopez. My dance name will be BLo and when I drop it low everyone will shout look out B-Lo! Oh! Get it?" She chuckled.
"Britt was that a sex joke?" I was shocked at her crudeness.
She laughed and kissed my forehead.
"Yeah. I didn't think you would get it."
"How long did it take you to come up with that?"
"I thought of it one day when I was down below...duh!"
"You were creating jokes when you were going down on me?"
I was mock offended and lightly slapped her wrist.
"It was right after you came. I promise."
She pouted and then she nuzzled into my neck and took a deep breath, when she let out this little whimper after I pushed my ass back against her, she planted a kiss right behind my ear.
"I want you to be my girlfriend Ana, officially. How are our fish babies by the way?"
"You saw there's only one left?"
"Oh no, which one Monty or Gulliver?"
"Little Gully is a goner."
"We will get you a new one, just say you'll be my girlfriend...I know timing is off with your dad...but right now with our baby coming and me making up with Quinn, it just seems right."
"Mmm...Okay."
"Really? Is that a yes?"
"Yes."
"Um, okay...wow! That was quick...there's so much to do and I need to go buy a fish."
"You okay, Britt?"
"Yea, I just didn't think you would say yes so fast."
We sat in the water until it went cold just laughing and joking. For a long time, it felt like we were off track, but this felt right, like we were finally finding each other.
It was like the universe had decided that we had suffered enough.
When we finally climbed out of the tub, I immediately felt refreshed.
Britt couldn't stop smiling and neither could I.
We crawled into bed without getting dressed and without hesitation Britt pulled my body against hers.
She pulled my leg over her hip and sunk her fingers into me, I groaned and buried my face against her neck.
"Is this okay?" She whispered as her thumb flicked my clit.
"Please, yes." I murmured as her thumb moved in time with her fingers. I could feel how wet I was as I felt her loving me.
"I love you so much, no matter what...does this feel good? Hmm?"
"Yesss."
I came shuddering against her and then she brought her fingers to my mouth and I twirled my tongue around them.
"Let's get some rest, okay?" She said and I pouted but she just kissed my face.
"Right now, I just want to be here for you. We can worry about what I need later."
I felt peace fill in my soul and as I drifted off to sleep I heard Britt mumble, her hands rubbing my semi flat stomach. "I can't believe you said yes." and I smiled.
"I can't believe it took me so long"
"Me either. You are either super slow or crazy fast, there is no in between."
"Story of my life."
Although I was where I wanted to be, and I felt safe, sleep didn't stay with me for very long. I woke up with the moon shining brightly through the curtains.
Britt was laying half on me and half off. She smiled as she clung to me and I knew that no matter what was coming, with Britt by my side, I'd be alright.
Early Sunday morning, my throat was dry, and my stomach was growling which never happened with this little spawn. Normally mornings were for vomiting and not eating so I had to take advantage of eating when I could.
I sat up, forgetting I wasn't alone and nearly knocked B off the bed. She glared at me and I just leaned in and kissed her face a few times.
"We're hungry." I said, "And thirsty."
"Let's grab something and have a picnic in bed."
"Good plan but we have to be quiet."
She zipped up her lips and tucked the imaginary key in her hair before giving me a thumbs up. We wrapped our naked bodies in sheets and crept out to the kitchen.
There was an empty rum bottle and two cups on my table but no sign of Celia or Q. I thought nothing of it as I got water, some crackers, and bananas.
As I was turning off the light, I caught a glimpse of movement from the living room.
Britt came up behind me and whispered.
"No way."
I couldn't help myself as I moved closer and there on the couch was Q spooning my older sister, both of them topless with swollen lips.
When I went to move even closer, Britt pulled me back, I turned to glare at her and she just shook her head.
Meaning, let them figure this out.
I would only make it worse but that didn't mean that down the road, Q wouldn't be hearing about this until the end of time.
So, I bookmarked this moment and followed my new girlfriend back to bed, hoping to convince her to handle an itch that I hadn't been able to scratch on my own.
Wanky.
Around dawn, my stomach decided it wanted to turn itself inside out. Britt was sound asleep, so I slipped out of bed and silently threw up. I knew that she'd want to be there to comfort me, but I was okay being alone. I brushed my teeth and then went back to the room, she was cuddled around my pillow and I decided to just leave her there for a bit. She'd had a crazy day too, with the SATs, fighting with Finn, and then having to hold me up.
My family would show up soon enough and I needed a moment to breathe without added stress. So, I took my time getting dressed in the most comfortable thing I owned and then I grabbed my glasses, not feeling the contacts today since there was no doubt that I would be crying all day.
And then I crawled on the bed and kissed Britt's face.
"Little longer." She mumbled.
"Sleep my love, I'll still be here."
"Okay...love you." She still had her eyes closed as she pursed her lips.
I kissed her and knew that I could do it for eternity.
"I love you too, Britt Britt. Sleep for me."
She smiled and before I got to the bedroom door, she was snoring.
Works for me.
I shut the door lightly and then walked towards the kitchen, ready to make some decaf for myself and have some me time but Q was sitting there, staring out the kitchen window with a mug between her hands.
"Hey." I whispered.
She looked at me in shock, as if she wasn't sitting in MY kitchen.
"Morning." She mumbled.
I set up the coffee maker, pulling out a decaf cup and plugging it in. She continued to look out of the window and I just quietly waited for my coffee.
The bitterness seemed to settle my stomach like nothing else, I just hoped this wasn't one of those days when it decided to come back up because that was always the worst. Before I could even sit down, Quinn was blurting out her truth.
"I made out with your sister last night and I don't feel guilty...tell me I'm not a horrible person for doing this to Rachel."
"You were spooning her on my couch half naked, Q...I saw." I said, and her eyes went wide. "Britt says you have a thing for the Lopez women."
"She's not wrong but it can't happen again. I love Rachel and Celia is practically married."
"She's also 9 years older than you."
"I know. What's wrong with me?" The smile on my face was hard to hide as I drank my coffee. "I'm serious."
"Q, you are on an endless quest for love."
"How so?"
"Come on, you see it right? You don't know how to be alone...like ever."
"I could say the same for you."
"Okay, don't get defensive. I'm being real. You need to pick one love at a time and stick it out or move on. If you love Rachel, then stop kissing me and my sister...or Sam or Finn or Puck. Got it?"
She blushed and nodded.
"Got it."
"And I can say the same, I love Brittany and I kissed you and slept with a few dudes and now I'm knocked up...it's time for us both to focus on growing up."
"Did you tell her?"
"I did, and I'll tell my sisters today."
"How can I be here for you? Should we maybe leave you to be with your sisters?"
"That might be what I need but I'm not sure that's what I want."
"I'll stick around for breakfast and then me and B can go work on our new routine for a bit and if you want us to come back, we will."
"Yes, that sounds perfect...thanks, Q."
"That's what sisters are for...oh God...if you're like my sister and I kissed your sister does that mean I've crossed the line into incest?"
"We've been kissing since forever...relax. It's not that big of a deal. You're with Rachel...unless you really liked kissing my sister."
She was blushing and then staring in her cup.
"Better than any other person...for the first time I felt fireworks. The world stopped."
"Shit...so maybe it's not just any Lopez."
"I don't think so, but I need to be with Rachel right now, if it runs its course down the line...if we are both single and I'm not jail-bait as you called me, then maybe but right now it can't happen."
"Are you going to tell Rachel?"
She shook her head.
"I can't do that to her, did you know her one dad still has trouble remembering her? She's been going through it and I can't put this on her."
"Then you really can't do it again."
"I won't."
Celia came into the kitchen a moment later and Quinn's jaw dropped. My sister was in nothing, but a sports bra and booty shorts and I watched Q's brain completely short circuit.
She had never looked at ANYONE like that and I knew right then that somehow, some way these two would be a couple. Right now, though, in my home with my friend's heart on the line, I wouldn't allow it.
The only lady loving happening in my apartment with be me.
"Hey Q...how are you?" She asked.
"Uh...yeah...this can't happen." I said and they both looked away.
"I'm going to uh...make breakfast. Are you hungry?" Q asked, and Celia cleared her throat.
"I sure am."
"I bet." Q said, and I just couldn't deal with it.
"Britt! Come help, please?!" I yelled and a moment later, a stumbling Britt came out of the room with my emergency bat.
"What happened?"
"They're flirting and making me nauseous!"
"Don't make me call your girlfriends!" Britt threatened and they both looked pale. "See Ana, I fixed it."
"Thanks, baby." And then pursed my lips and she kissed me. "Go get dressed, Q is going to make us breakfast and Celia is going to go put some fucking clothes on...a burka if she has one because there are children present."
"Children?" B asked.
"Quinn is 17 and so are you!"
"Right...go!" B said pointing at the guest room with the bat and Celia blushed as she left the room.
She was being super in charge and it was hot.
After a semi-quiet breakfast when everyone was dressed, Quinn and B were preparing to leave when my first sisters showed up. Q was in Britt's truck and I had B pressed against the wall outside my apartment, with my lips on hers. She held me tightly and then I heard a gasp and then throat clearing.
I was only out to Sandra and Celia but now, without saying a word I was out to my other two sisters.
Damariz and Brenda had showed up loaded down with doughnuts and coffee, their twin faces showing the same expression and Britt grinned.
"You didn't tell me your sisters were twins." Britt mumbled, and I nodded.
"Damariz and Brenda, this is my girlfriend Brittany."
Brenda looked at Damariz and grinned. "You owe me a hundred bucks. It's very nice to meet you, Brittany. We will leave you to it."
They left us there and when they were inside I heard them laughing.
"That went well." B said, and I just stood there shell-shocked.
"I guess it did. I'm going to head inside, call me later, okay?"
As Britt started to walk away, Sandra came down the hall with her hands on her belly and when she saw Britt, they hugged. It made my heart so happy to see it. Britt towered over her, but she stooped down to make the hug easier on my sister and then she left.
"Hey, sis."
"Am I the last one to get here?"
"Yup."
"Is your mom here?"
"No and I haven't heard from her since yesterday, I think she's figuring out the plan for Papi's body." And just like that all my morning joy and lightness disappeared, I came crashing down to Earth as the tears came.
"Come here...shhh...shhh." She wrapped her arm around me and helped me back inside.
A similar scene was happening inside as Celia comforted Brenda.
Suddenly I was nauseous, but I choked back the feeling and put on a brave face. I was glad that the apartment was full of people because I knew that if I had allowed myself to be alone for too long I would have relapsed...even if I was pregnant.
If I didn't have this new baby to worry about I would have found something to get me high, even if it was just a cigarette but instead I ended up going to church when I heard the news...I guess this baby was a small miracle, even bringing me and B to our senses.
My sisters sat around drinking coffee and eating doughnuts for a long while and then I excused myself when I couldn't take another moment, leaving them to take over my kitchen and make lunch while I sat in my shower and finally let out some emotion but now that Papi's death was setting in, all that came out where screams as I cried.
Once I allowed myself to cry it out, I felt like I could breathe again.
I got dressed again and this time, I rushed through it not wanting to be the sister that couldn't hold my shit together.
"Come on Ana, you need to eat you're looking sick. Have you been eating?" Sandra asked as she let herself into my room as I put on some waterproof mascara.
I nodded as she looped her arm over my shoulders and hugged me to her warm body, soothing my frayed edges.
We took one step into the kitchen and I couldn't help but smile seeing my sisters all together but then my stomach lurched.
The moment that I smelled the bacon my morning sickness came rushing at me.
"Oh God!" I moaned, covering my mouth and turning back around.
I barely made it to the bathroom before I became Linda Blair and started spewing out everything that I had eaten that morning.
A dozen hands were suddenly rubbing my back, pulling up my hair up, and coaxing me back from the edge. All of my sisters had squeezed into the little room and were banding together to take care of me.
Which was something that they all probably needed at that point.
"Are you alright Ana?" Damariz asked me, jumping into doctor mode immediately.
"Yea, I'm just...you know...pregnant, I had my first sonogram just before..." I mumbled with my face still lingering over the toilet.
At the thought of Papi, I had started to violently dry heave. I was exhausted, and the bile burned as it made an appearance after the last bout of dry heaving.
There was a collective gasp after my announcement and although I was a married woman Marco had agreed with my family that we would hold off on kids, so this was a shock to them all.
When it seemed to be done, Damariz felt my forehead and then pressed a cool towel against the back of my neck. The heat in my body seemed to ease and I finally was able to move from my knees to my butt.
I was exhausted.
Damariz wiped my face and handed me a cup of water as I closed my eyes.
I felt disgusting.
"It is Marco's, right? I only ask because he's not around." That was Brenda trying to make a joke.
Except it wasn't all that funny.
I sat against the wall and looked straight in her eyes.
"I don't know, maybe. It's him or two other guys."
My sisters all looked at me with equal looks of disdain and confusion.
Yea, how's that for a fucking joke?
My honesty has always thrown people for a loop, everyone except my sisters.
With my father dead, my sisters needed something to distract them from their grief and that morning I became their target. They shot me with question after question but instead of answering I shut down and deflected with half answers.
Did they not see how tired I was?
Sandra eventually kicked them out of the room, telling them to get rid of the bacon which probably meant they'd eat it all which was fine with me.
I could already hear the creak of the windows as they opened them in the kitchen.
"Ana, maybe it's time to tell them what you told me about Marco and about the overdose?"
"Why?"
I was honestly too tired to argue but I just wanted a good reason why I should spill my darkest secrets like they were insignificant fairy tales.
"Because Papi kept them in the dark and it does nothing but divide us. We have to stick together, right now especially. I know that you weren't raised with us, but you are still our baby sister and you need us, even Damariz."
"Ugh! Fine. I will tell them, but you have to make sure that there's no more bacon if you want me to talk about this."
So that is how I found myself sitting against the center of my headboard with a bottle of water and some crackers surrounded by my older sisters.
They all had equal looks of horror on their faces as I told them about who I really was. I could tell that I was breaking perceptions as they all looked pissed when I explained my past with Marco and I clued them into why Marco was M.I.A. and I got nothing but comfort when I admitted how I was scared shitless about this pregnancy.
Damariz got quiet at one point and then asked for some confirmation.
"That...earlier...with Brittany...are you like Ceily gay or is that just a now thing?"
"I'm a lesbian, that's a big reason that Papi was trying so hard to force a life on me that I didn't want. One gay daughter was enough."
None of them rejected me and that made me feel amazing.
Sandra squeezed my hand tightly as I talked about almost dying and how Papi still expected me to uphold my vows and be a good wife until recently.
"So, what are you going to do about the kid?" Celia asked with unshed tears in her eyes.
"Keep it. After losing my first baby so violently I can't carry life in my body and not keep it. I cannot lose my baby again."
"Call me an ass if you want but baby sis this pregnancy seems right on time to me. I think Papi dying the day you saw the baby for the first time is a sign. Maybe you would have gone back to using."
Damariz stuck her chin out and prepared for an onslaught of criticism but was surprised to see me and everyone else nodding in agreement.
She was right.
That's exactly what would have happened.
My sisters and I sat around for hours after that just talking and laughing.
I heard stories of how they grew up and what they thought of me and how I was the spoiled one, I had two cars and a trust fund while most of them were still paying off educations and car notes.
Little did they know back then, that what I had been given in life had come at a big price.
They had childhoods...and I didn't.
Me opening up helped them see that my grass wasn't much greener than theirs.
I felt surrounded by love and friendship that I wish that I had experienced as a kid.
But they were here now...right?
My sisters lingered for hours and took turns offering any assistance that I needed. They made me a bacon free dinner and then they FINALLY cleared out after cleaning up.
Celia had gone back to the hotel with Damariz and Brenda, so it was just me and Sandra.
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for all the love, I was happy to have just a little breathing room.
"Can I see the sonogram pics of the baby?"
I pulled them out and gave them to her and watched as she cried AGAIN.
"So, pregnancy has made you cry like crazy too...great." I groaned, "I am not a fan." I said, wiping away fresh tears.
"Me either but you get used to it. Trust me. Please tell me that you are still sure about Columbia? What about law school?"
"I don't know if it will be right away, I might take a gap year to get used to being a mom but I want to go college. Papi has my education covered so I just need to get a place and work while going to school."
"That's an awful lot to take on by yourself Ana."
"Well what other choice is there? I can't lose my baby again!" I snapped.
Sandra sat across from me and ran her finger around the rim of her cup.
Then without responding she got up and left the room with a simple nod.
I sat there thinking about my future and how I was going to juggle everything, but I knew that I could do this on my own. It was a nice idea to have Britt by my side, but I had to be realistic and prepare for being a single mom.
Until I had a ring on my finger and she was tied to me legally, that's just how I had to think, and she couldn't even do that because I was still married to Marco.
The doctor told me that my due date was in late May, so that gave me time to deliver, move to New York and start some classes.
I was still in deep thought when Sandra plopped down next to me again.
"I just talked to Johnny. I told him about everything and he agrees that you should just come and live with us. Johnny agrees that this way I won't be lonely, and you can become that amazing attorney that you have always dreamed of being."
"Sandra, I could never put that on you!"
"I want to. Please, let me help you Ana."
"Fine but what about me and Britt."
"You can still be together...I'm not standing in your way, I just want to help you in all the ways I couldn't when you were a kid."
"Okay. I guess this is happening then."
"I guess so! I'm so excited! Little Johnny will have a cousin to play with!"
More and more I find my fear dissipating when I allow myself to open up, almost the opposite of what I was taught as a child.
It's amazing what you learn as an adult that could have made your childhood much easier but then again creating an easy-going childhood for your children is not as easy as it seems.
Some things just have to be done piece by piece, one moment at a time.