Chapter 29: I'm Lost Without You (Blink-182)
As I walked back to my locker on the way to class from lunch, I saw the ginger head bobbing up and down through the crowd of students. Emma Pillsbury was like a troll but way freakier looking.
"Santana! Just who I was looking for. Could you come to my office please?"
"Can't, I have an exam." I lied.
"Actually, you don't. I checked your schedule and you have study hall next."
"What's this about?"
She looked at me with pity and I rolled my eyes.
"A few of your teachers are concerned about you and want to make sure you are giving yourself time to grieve."
"And how is me talking to you about some psycho killing my father supposed to help?"
"I understand that this is a difficult time for you, I brought this pamphlet just in case you chose not to come sit with me."
I looked down at the piece of paper and wondered where this loon got these things.
The cover had a girl hugging a corpse and the title said 'So, you're nearly an orphan, what now?' I handed it back to her and then slammed my locker closed before turning in the opposite direction and leaving her there.
Half an orphan, she could NOT be serious.
Once I was in study hall, I moved to my seat in the back of the room, put my bookbag on the table and laid my head on it. I felt way too tired to pretend to study.
My head was throbbing as I woke up.
When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was sleeping in an empty library all alone. I had completely missed the bell and with no phone to check the time, I couldn't figure out how long I'd been asleep.
I dragged myself out of the chair and into the deserted hallway, the moment I found a clock, I realized that I had slept through two class periods. Last period was in full swing and there was no reason for me to show up now.
So, I got my books from my locker and decided to check in on the troll to see if nothing else, I could take her up on her offer.
When I showed up outside her office, she was wiping off a grape...where did Figgins find this woman?
I knocked on the door and her head popped up.
When I went inside, she nodded towards a seat, but I didn't take it.
"Actually, I need you to do something for me, if you can't I'd rather not linger."
"Okay. What can I help with?"
"Can you get me excused for the rest of the week?"
She gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded.
"Yes, I will talk to your teachers and have them email you any make up assignments. Figgins policy on death of a parent is very generous, two weeks no question asked."
"Two weeks? That's insane!"
"It's not mandatory, at any point you can come back but if you need the time, you should take it."
Normally, I would be rolling my eyes because I never missed school but Papi was dead and I needed time to process it. Plus, this baby was zapping me this week.
"Okay, I think this week might be enough, but I'll play it by ear."
"Good. The only person that I ask you to convey the message to, is Sue." She looked genuinely terrified. "If you don't mind?"
"That's fine, I usually stop to see her on my way home. Thanks for taking care of this."
"It's my pleasure. If you need anything, let me know."
"I will."
When I got to the field, I still had a half hour until cheer practice, so I decided to go see Sue like I said I would. When I got to her office, she was leaned against her desk.
"Sandbags, about time you showed up!"
I gave her a small smile as I walked fully into the room, only to stop short when I saw Quinn and B sitting on the couch staring at a piece of paper.
"Uh...did my invite get lost?"
"I paged you last period and you didn't show, they did. Where were you?"
"Fell asleep in the library, just woke up."
Brittany looked at me with concern and went to stand but I shook my head.
"I won't be long, I'm taking a break from school for the rest of the week, I wanted to let you know that I won't be at practice. Is that okay?"
"More than alright. Glad to see you aren't going to milk the two-week policy."
"I don't think that's necessary, but would you blame me if I did?"
Sue looked me over and then glanced at Britt and Q.
"No. I wouldn't."
"So, why did you page me?"
"San, this is amazing, tell her B!" Q said with sparkling eyes.
"I still can't believe this is happening! Please don't be mad." Britt looked up at me but quickly bowed her head again.
"What's going on? Is it amazing or am I gonna be mad?"
"Both maybe?" B said and then Sue couldn't take the suspense.
"Well Lopez your girlfriend here was spotted during her audition for Juilliard by a major choreographer, I was contacted this morning and now, I have the honor of letting her know that she was just asked to go on Madonna's come back tour."
I now understood the look that Brittany had given me and why she was hoping I wouldn't be mad.
And I wasn't mad, I was sad that just as our lives were starting to move towards a future together, this happened. We had literally just been planning our lives together the night before, but this was the opportunity of a lifetime and no matter what she was about to say to convince me otherwise I wasn't going to allow her to give up her dream.
She would dance, end of discussion, so I put on my most genuine smile and moved closer to her.
When I touched her face, she blushed.
"When do you go?" I asked, trying to appear calm and collected even though I was freaking out on the inside.
"I can't leave you right now, Ana! You need me." Britt said with watery eyes.
"You have to do this Britt, I won't keep you here and you know that this is the opportunity of a lifetime. When does the tour start?"
"Next September in London, I would leave the first of the month." I took a deep breath and kept on smiling, trying to swallow the utter despair that I felt. She could see it on my face, but I just kept right on being the supportive girlfriend that she needed me to be. I wasn't going to allow her to give this up for me even if it killed me inside.
I would wait for her, hadn't I already?
"Wow! That's so awesome B!" I said smiling for her benefit. "You can't pass this up, okay? This is the opportunity of a lifetime."
She looked up at me starry eyed.
"Really, Ana? You're not mad?"
I was furious at Madonna, the universe, and Sue but I wouldn't show it.
She jumped to her feet and swallowed me up in a hug and the smell of her soothed the rumbling in my gut. I wanted to weep but I couldn't.
Not now.
Shove it down, Lopez.
A huge part of me was wishing that I had just gone home instead of searching for Sue because I would have been spared this news for a little while longer, but regrets wouldn't change the fact that she was leaving me.
I kissed Britt on her forehead and then stood back, holding her hands in my own.
"We have to celebrate after all the grieving is done, ok?" I said, then I lifted her hands and kissed them. I'd done my part being a supportive person but now I needed to go lick my wounds. "I'm headed home now to help with the funeral arrangements and then I'm going to buy a new phone, so I will text you guys, later ok?"
Both Quinn and Britt nodded.
I began to turn away when Sue cleared her throat loudly, I turned around halfway and then looked back at her.
"Hey Lopez, when you come back to school, come back to see me. I'm sure Red gave you some bozo pamphlet and that might be okay with those glee freaks but you're one of my own. If you need me, let me know. Got it?"
"You got it coach." I said before heading out of her office, hoping to God that no one followed.
After I was halfway across the field I began to jog, feeling like I needed to work off the excess anxiety that I was feeling. Right then, all I needed was to get away from the hurt of Britt leaving me.
When I got to my building another wave of nausea hit me and I had to run up the steps two at a time to make it. I burst through the door and heard someone yelp as I went flying across the apartment and into the bathroom.
My stomach ached, my head was pounding and then my body was shaking again. I couldn't stop vomiting and crying. The more I cried the sicker I got and the sicker I got, the more I cried.
I had barely eaten anything all day except for the lollipops and so my stomach felt like it was trying to climb out of my throat.
When I felt like it was safe enough, I stood up and rested my head against my arms on the sink. After taking a few deep breaths, I chanced a glance in the mirror.
My eyes were sunken in, my face was clammy and pale, and my hands were shaking as I pressed my hands against my cheeks.
I put my hand on my stomach and rubbed where I thought the baby would be.
"You are killing mama today baby."
My dry heaving finally stopped, and I was finally able to stand on my feet without fear that I would be on my knees again.
I leaned forward on the sink and rested my head on the cool glass of the mirror.
There was a knock on the door.
"Hold on a minute, please?"
I grabbed my mouthwash and swished it around for a minute before spitting it back out. I stood for a moment waiting to see if I would get nauseous again, but it seemed like it had passed for the moment.
My mom stood on the other side of the door.
She held a cup of tea and a bowl of soup.
She smiled at me and gestured for me to climb in my bed.
I nodded and kissed her cheek.
"Bendicion, MamÃ, gracias." I said, as I crawled into my bed.
I was so tired and angry inside, so I just sat there allowing her to mother me.
She handed me the cup of tea and placed the soup on my nightstand.
She kissed my forehead and then smiled at me.
My mom seemed satisfied with herself as she tucked the comforter around my hips and fluffed up my pillows.
I knew that she needed to distract herself from the reality that was her life.
In that moment she need to just be my mother and I just needed to feel like someone cared about me.
"I talked to your sisters today. They told me what you talked about yesterday. I'm sorry that I judged you so harshly. I think I'm just frustrated and you were my target. You are all that I have left, and I should have treated you better, I will treat you better."
She sat down beside to me, rested her hand on my knee. I could tell that she was searching my face for answers similar to what my father had done not too long ago.
I took a deep sip of the tea and allowed it to soothe the ache in my stomach before I continued.
"Yea well honestly, Mami, I am starting to get used to it. I know that I am kind of hard to be around. That's why I spent so much time alone as a kid, that's why Marco kept me high all the time, and that's why you ended up in Atlanta and now Britt..."
I trailed off feeling like I had already said too much.
She looked hurt at my words, but she didn't argue them.
My emotions were out of whack and at my mention of Britt I broke and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over.
It was futile to fight them.
Mami brushed the tears from my face and then grabbed a tight hold of my hand.
"I'm here now Santana, I'm not leaving you again."
"Well, we will see about that." I mumbled
"What about Brittany?" She asked, ignoring my comment.
"She asked me to be her girlfriend yesterday, finally after so much wasted time we are finally a couple." I searched her eyes for disgust or disappointment, but she just looked sad.
"And what's wrong with that, isn't this something that you have wanted forever?"
"Well, other than the fact that I'm still married...wait you don't care?" I had to circle back.
"Santana, I have watched the way you have been with each other for years. Your father and I were just waiting for you to come to us."
"So, he really did know, he alluded to it but I kind of didn't want to believe it."
"Aden knew more than he let on. He pushed Marco because he and I felt differently about you being a lesbian. He promised me that if you told him about it...came out to him, he wouldn't push anymore. I'm happy if you're happy and Brittany has always made you happy."
"She does make me happy. I want to marry her someday. She actually wants to help me raise this baby. Can you believe that?"
I eased back into the conversation feeling so much better now knowing that I could have this kind of talk with my mom without judgment.
"I always did like that girl, she is so loyal to you and so tell me what's wrong?"
"She just got offered a job dancing on the Madonna tour."
"Wow! What an honor! You told her to go, didn't you?"
"Of course, I did, I couldn't keep her here because of my own mistakes."
"That baby is not a mistake."
"No, it isn't but my dealing with so many guys, was a really big mistake. Getting so drunk that I don't remember sleeping with two people was a mistake, but the baby is a blessing."
Mami smiled at me and caressed my cheek with pride.
"Mi'ja, you and Brittany have loved each other from the moment that you met and no matter how far she goes your heart is with her and hers is with you and if she gave you her word that she is going to be there for you to raise this baby, then you need to believe her."
"I know, I guess I just got excited about doing this together and now she'll be there. She was excited about it. So, now that I'm excited too, she will be leaving just two months after I give birth."
"Ana, make every moment count from now until then, show her what she has to come home to. Brittany is not like me and your father, she will always be there for you and with you."
"You're right. Thanks, Mami."
"I want to be the mother that you deserve, and I will do my best to be that."
"Okay and I'm here for you too, Mami."